Oops

This morning I woke up just before 7 a.m. That is the time I prefer to wake up, and which I used to wake up, but my sleep patterns have gotten all messed up so I’ve been not able to sleep until the wee hours of the morning lately and then I sleep until late in the morning. So it was sort of nice to be able to wake up earlier.I spent the morning watching the birds. The beautiful Rose-Breasted Grosbeak was a frequent visitor to the feeders today. It especially liked the feeders under the pine tree. EJ lent me his small binoculars so I could see them clearly. They are such beautiful birds. I can’t believe I’ve lived in this area all my life and have never seen this bird before this year.

I learned to identify a couple of the sparrows: The House Sparrow and the White-Crowned Sparrow. There are a lot of different types of sparrows and sparrow-like birds that look very similar, but I am trying to learn to identify them.

I was amazed to see an Indigo Bunting this morning. It is another bird that I have never before seen. I thought it would be the size of a Baltimore Oriole or a Cardinal and was surprised to discover that it was only the size of a sparrow. It was a very pretty blue color, although not as vibrant as the one in the photo. I wonder if I was seeing the female? Next I want to see a Scarlet Tanager. I’ve never seen one of those before either.

This morning JJ had a CT Scan scheduled for about 11:40 a.m. We drove the hour to the imagining center and  then discovered that we were supposed to have been there an hour earlier so JJ could drink the solution. I do not know if it was their mistake or mine, but I assume it was mine. With all the many appointments I have scheduled for JJ over the last few months, I never made a mistake, but now that we are mostly done, I did. They said he could drink the solution and have the scan done at 1 p.m., but EJ would not have had enough time to make it to work, so we had to reschedule for tomorrow morning at 8:30 a.m. They gave JJ the drinks so he could begin drinking them at 7:30 a.m.

The thought of returning for another appointment is tiring, and even at the best of times an 8:30 a.m. appointment would be difficult for EJ because he works second shift. What makes it worse is that EJ had to work late last night and didn’t get home until 4 a.m. so he was really tired today. He didn’t know before he left for work if he has to work late again tonight. He said that he has to work without a day off–not even weekends–until Memorial Day. With his grueling schedule, I am especially dismayed that we have to go back for a CT scan so early tomorrow.

The day is warm and beautiful so I decided to try to work in the garden. We have two maple trees that drop zillions of seeds every year, and in the Spring the zillions of seeds start to grow all over our yard. I have pull them our when they are small and easily to uproot. The bigger they grow, the more effort it takes. I worked on it for a little while but my goodness it’s awful how quickly I tire.

I took Danny for a walk not long after EJ went to work. I encountered my neighbor and thanked him for taking down the dead tree a couple of days ago. He said, “No problem” and then said that if we don’t get our new fence up by this weekend, he will do it. I commented that we have wanted to get the fence up but we have been so exhausted by everything that happened this winter…He said that he has a clematis that is on the ground and needs to climb so the fence is going up this weekend. I do not know if he means he will put up our fence or if he will put up lattice like he had before the tree fell down. I hope he just means the lattice because I don’t want him doing what we should be doing. Our yard is higher than our neighbors’ yards so the fence is on the retaining wall and is absolutely ours and not merely shared. I feel so frustrated because we have wanted to get the new fences up, but with EJ working so many hours and with our lack of energy, and with the CT Scan tomorrow, there is no way that we can get it up by this weekend.

I finished walking Danny and then I came home and cried because we have to drive back for the CT scan again tomorrow, and we can’t get fence up, and I do not know if our neighbors understand our exhaustion or if they think we are merely being lazy. I would think that by now we’d be recovering, but I feel more weak, tired, overwhelmed, and unable to handle things now than I did through all the cancer treatments. It’s very, very frustrating. I keep telling myself: “We will get through this….We will get through this.”

Battle cancer with my son has made me so much more compassionate towards those who are suffering from a debilitating illness. And now my compassion has deepened for those who are emerging from a difficult time.