On Sunday EJ drove me to Best Buy and bought me a new laptop. Among other things, it has a touch screen, Windows 8.1, and a wonderfully large 17.3 inch screen that I can see without squinting.
I felt sort of bad because I know EJ wants to pay off bills–and I do too–but he bought me the laptop sooner than he would have because I have been very tired and weepy lately. I said that I felt like a spoiled brat who cried and got what she wanted. I hate such traits. JJ gave me a hug and told me that I shouldn’t feel bad because I am not a spoiled brat, and he and his Dad know that I needed the new laptop for my mental health, and they are very glad that I have it. The laptop does help. I have had fun these last few days setting it up the way I want. The new computer doesn’t have some things that I liked in my old computer but it has some new things that are interesting and fun.
I told EJ that I feel stupid. I don’t know why I have felt so tired and weepy. I have trouble getting to sleep at night and then I sleep late. I barely have enough energy to drag myself through the day. I know, of course, that we have been depleted by the battle with cancer and there have been things like lawn mowers and laptops that have frustrated me this summer, but I thought that by now I’d be feeling less tired and not more.
I speculated that maybe it’s an Introvert thing. I took a personality test a couple of weeks ago, and the results were very accurate. I have the rarest of all personality types–only one percent of the population has my personality type. We are true Introverts. We are complex, deep thinkers, principled, and highly intuitive individuals. We care deeply about people and tend to be very gentle and understanding. We are good observers and listeners. Conflict is hard for us. We tend to be writers and empaths. An empath is one who actually feels the suffering of others.
There has been much suffering in the world lately that makes me sad, EJ has suffered a lot of pain this summer, and many of my friends are struggling with various difficulties. Even strangers I encounter have sad stories. As I walked Danny a couple of days ago, for example, I saw a neighbor in the next block holding the cutest little Pitbull mix puppy. OF COURSE, I stopped to tell her how cute the puppy was. We got to talking and she told me that she had had a terrible year filled with suffering, including struggles with her health, her grandmother dying, and a beloved dog getting hit by a car and having to be put to sleep (which is why they have a new puppy). She said, “I feel so depleted, so uninterested in stuff, and I find myself crying.” I told her that I understood–that our winter had been spent battling cancer with our son.
I wonder if my deep empathy for all those who are hurting is depleting me.
This morning a friend who works at the bank suggested that maybe my body is low in some essential element and I could use vitamins or supplements. That’s also possible. I told this to EJ And on his way to work he stopped and bought a few supplements of one sort or another for me.
I’m also trying to limit my exposure to sadness and fill my life with good things. There are MANY good things in my life that bring me gladness. One good thing is, of course, that JJ has beaten cancer. In addition, I had been wondering when we’d start getting medical bills from JJ’s surgery at Indianapolis University Hospital in April. It’s kind of hard to financially plan anything when we don’t know what the insurance company will cover and what we will have to pay. Finally, last week I got on the BCBSM website (for the very first time ever) and I learned that our medical expenses are $182,683 but our insurance company is covering $179,076 so we only have to pay $3,606. We have had to pay almost nothing. Can you imagine? That’s amazing!
Another good thing is that JJ let me read the latest story he is writing. It was such a blessing! JJ is a wonderful writer and I see tremendous improvement every time I read something he writes. I think he could be a famous author some day.
Today I walked to the post office and bank, and I suddenly saw two airplanes fly very low over the houses. One was like a Cessna or something and I do not know why it was flying so low. I only saw it a couple of times. The other plane was a crop duster and all day it flew low as it dusted the fields at the edge of town. When I walked Danny this afternoon, the crop duster flew so low that I felt like Cary Grant in the movie North by Northwest. I tried to take a picture of the airplane, but the picture from North by Northwest was more successful at capturing how low the plane flew. It was rather thrilling to see the plane suddenly appear over the trees and fly so low overhead.
EJ is going to try to get some vacations in early September so we can get a few things done and maybe do some fun things.