Oxymoronic Week

This week is quickly crawling by. Yes, that is an oxymoron. I like the word oxymoron. An online dictionary defined oxymoron as “It occurs when two contradictory words are together in one phrase. In fact, oxymoron translates from the Greek words oxy meaning sharp, and moron, which means dull. Thus, the word itself is two contradictory words pushed together.”

Apparently we jumped from a snowy winter to a hot summer with no spring to transition them. Every day has been very hot which makes me feel drained. I’m unmotivated and dragging through the days. Yet, here it is already Wednesday, and I haven’t written since Sunday. I’m not sure how days that tiredly drag can leap forward so quickly.

After our hard work on Sunday, EJ and I took it easy on Monday. Well, sort of. I did my morning chores taking care of the animals and then turned on the sprinklers to water the garden and trees. I have to move both the back yard and front yard hoses several times to water everything, and it takes me a couple hours. I did a bit of weeding in the flower garden. I did a few other small tasks. EJ worked harder than I did. Last week a co-worker gave EJ some of his surplus seed potatoes so he hoed up the ground and planted. We didn’t have room in the garden so he planted them at the base of the hill in the back yard. We shall see how that goes.

Yesterday EJ had to return to work. I finally made it to the bank to cash a check issued by EJ’s company for reimbursement of work boots. We kept forgetting to do it. I also stopped at the grocery store and picked up a couple of things such as cabbage to make coleslaw and a seedless watermelon for supper. I prepared a marinade for some chicken breasts I was planning to bake, but the chicken wasn’t completely defrosted so I just made hamburgers instead. I was sort of relieved because baking a chicken would heat up an already hot house. The temperatures are supposed to start dropping tomorrow into the 70s so I will bake the chicken then.

I think today has been the hottest day yet. I walk outside and immediately sweat begins to drip off me. I didn’t sleep well the last few days which adds to my lack of motivation. I didn’t do much of anything today. Even poor Hannah is hot and unmotivated. I found her sleeping on our bed with the fan blowing on her. Ugh.

Earlier there was a 50% chance that it could storm this afternoon but although the wind has picked up a little, I noticed the chance of rain has dropped to 10%. Boo! There is a 90% chance of rain tonight. I hope! I hope! Seriously, I think the people downstate has been hogging all our rain. They need to send some this way!

For supper I’m just having hot dogs and leftover coleslaw so I don’t heat up the kitchen by cooking. As they say, “If you can’t stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen.” And for goodness sakes’, don’t bake anything.

Usually I love to sit and listen to the beautiful birds sing, but the loud roar of heavy construction equipment has drowned them out since yesterday. I wondered if maybe construction crews were working on our road? When Hannah and I braved the heat and trudged down the driveway to the mailbox today, it appeared that the forest behind our neighbors across the street is being logged out. I hope they finish this job quickly because bird song is MUCH nicer than the roar of machinery. I want the quiet peace to return.

We usually have milkweed growing on the hillside beyond the large rocks each year. They seem to be extra abundant this year. I’m very glad because milkweed are essential for monarch butterflies and we have been trying to encourage them to grow. The Altona Forest blog writes: “There is a symbiotic relationship between the native milkweed plants and the monarch. The monarch butterflies enjoy the nectar from the flowers and help pollinate the plants. The successful pollination allows the milkweed to thrive and thus provide more nurseries for the crucial ‘fourth generation’ of monarchs. Unfortunately, there are no substitutes for where monarchs can lay their eggs.”

I wrote not long ago that one reason I think that victims have trouble leaving their abusers are because they aren’t strangers, but people they love and have trusted–family members, friends, church leaders. Because they love and trust them, victims tend to keep trying to fix the relationship. It takes a long time to finally give up.

For it was not an enemy who insulted me;
if it had been, I could have borne it.
It was not my adversary who treated me with scorn;
if it had been, I could have hidden myself.
But it was you, a man of my own kind,
my companion, whom I knew well. (Ps. 55)

Most of the people I went to for help as I struggled with my family’s abuse told me that they were just wounded and needed my unconditional love and forgiveness. So I kept trying and trying. Slowly I wrestled with concepts like what love really involved, as well as forgiveness, repentance, reconciliation, healing, recovery. It was difficult because I had no support, no voices that said that I was experiencing abuse and that it was ok to leave.

Now support is available on social media as abuse survivors reach out to support others. I have been finding a small group of friends who validate and support me on my journey to recovery. They listen to me rant, hug me when I cry, get angry at what we’ve suffered, and help me figure out what to do next. It’s amazing how these friends strengthen me, give me hope, and help me find the courage to make difficult choices. I just want to tell any who read my blog (and I know a few do) that they are deeply valued and appreciated.