Night and Day

In attempt to find something that we can enjoy while JJ is fighting cancer, we have signed up for free trial months of Amazon Prime and Netflix. We had talked about getting Amazon Prime for a couple of years because we often shop on Amazon and the free shipping is appealing, but we are also enjoying Netflix. Amazon and Netflix have some of the same movies, but also some different ones.  I think we are going to get both, since they aren’t all that expensive, and we really enjoy movies.

In the last couple of weeks we have been discovering interesting movies and TV programs on Amazon Prime and Netflix, including Doctor Who. I have heard a lot about Doctor Who over the years, but had never seen the program before. EJ, JJ, and I had a Doctor Who marathon yesterday, and we discovered that we really enjoy the show. I can see why it has a cult following.

The last Doctor Who episodes we watched last night before I headed to bed were 9 and 10 of season 1. It took place during WW2 and was about people who turned into childlike zombies. I like thrillers, suspense, and science fiction movies (among others), but not horror movies. In my childhood, even B horror movies used to scare me. I think because they made me feel trapped: people could never escape the monsters. Last night’s two-part Doctor Who episode felt horror movie-ish, and sort of scared me. I feel rather silly because it wasn’t all THAT scary, not really, but I think it tapped into stress I was already feeling. Especially just before bedtime. During the day I am mostly able to keep my focus on truth strong and not give in to stress, but I am vulnerable at night, when there are no distractions and my mind is too sleepy to always focus on truth. And if I don’t sleep well at night, I’m too tired to fight anxious thoughts during the day.

I think uncertainty causes stress, and there is a lot of uncertainty in our lives right now. During the day, I focus on the fact that many have survived this type of cancer, and we will take one day at a time, and I hold on to the truth that God will help us through whatever we have to face with JJ. At night, uncertainties about how JJ will react to chemo-therapy (if he needs it), and the difficulty of suffering with him as he (perhaps) vomits and loses his hair because of treatment, and the heartbreak of “what if he doesn’t survive?” nibbles at my peace.

During the day, I watch how God is showing us love through many, many people, and I am experiencing how He is caring for our physical needs. I feel so cared for! At night, however,  I feel financially vulnerable. I hear stories about millions of people losing their health care, and the cost of ObamaCare. No matter what you, my readers, think about ObamaCare, the truth is that there is a lot of uncertainty with it, and I worry about how that will affect our son, and our ability to pay for his health care. Will we lose our insurance? Will we get bankrupted trying to pay medical costs? Will we be hungry, homeless, or watch our son die because we can’t afford ObamaCare?

And then there is my and JJ’s computers, both of which have developed problems. Our friend who is fixing my computer texted yesterday that he is getting a refund on my  “brick” (the power cord thing) that he just installed a few weeks ago because it’s no longer working. He is having trouble finding a fan to replace the one that is dying. Apparently, technology is changing so quickly that even though my computer isn’t all that many years old, its fan is already obsolete. I think advances in technology are fun, but not if they change so quickly that a person cannot even find parts. In addition, if the motherboard on my computer is out, it will cost about $200 to replace it, which isn’t as bad as it could be, but is bad enough. We use our computers for so many things: news, education, research, entertainment, connection to others. EJ is sharing his computer with me while mine is being fixed, but sharing means neither one of us has full use of our computers, and his computer doesn’t have my bookmarks and photos and programs. And now JJ’s computer is not charging right. His computer is a gaming computer, which means EJ’s computer can’t run his programs.  JJ feels very isolated without his computer. How can we afford the extra expense of fixing or replacing computers? During the day I feel that “Well, these things happen…” At night I feel like, “Really? The computers have to break down NOW?”

All these uncertainties–and more–I can fight during the day, but not always at night, and definitely not last night. I was stressed and sleepless through the night. I woke this morning from very little sleep. I felt tired, stressed, and overwhelmed. But first thing this morning I had to take the laundry to the laundromat. I had extra loads because I am washing all of JJ’s bedding because he has fleas in his room. I have been spraying everything multiple times to get rid of them. I have not noticed fleas in the rest of the house. Probably JJ has fleas in his room because he complained when I kept spraying his room earlier this summer so I probably didn’t spray his room as well. Plus, if I notice any flea in the rest of the house, I immediately commence the “Flea Protocol” and start to spray, but I do not go into JJ’s room all that often. I have never had the problems with fleas that I have had this year. They are probably developing resistance to flea spray. I hate fleas. In case you wonder, fleas cause stress.

Anyway, I care about many things, such as what’s happening in our country and the world. However, I find myself having to limit exposure to news and information, especially if it’s negative. I scroll through my FB page, sometimes reading an article or two, but I do not always read every discussion, news, or informational item. Sometimes even different information about good things is too much. Sometimes I just look at cute pictures of cats and dogs.

I told EJ this morning that I was thinking that in everything there must be a cut off point. For example, we have researched pork and believe that it’s really not good to eat. Besides the fact that God calls pork unclean in the Old Testament and I don’t see why, if He doesn’t change, that He’d suddenly call something good in the NT that He called an abomination in the OT, we researched pork and it just isn’t all that healthy to eat. When EJ stopped eating pork, he immediately had less problems with joint pain. (If you want to research the matter of pork, there’s a thought-provoking book by Hope Egan called Holy Cow! Does God Care About What We Eat?) But how far ought a person take this? Pig DNA is being inserted in various foods. Do we try to check out the DNA of food or do we stop at just reading labels on packages?

Does a person not watch movies that promote a lifestyle he disagrees with? That’s certainly valid. We all have criteria for which movies we choose to watch or avoid. However, where does a person draw the line? Does he refuse to watch movies in which the story does not promote a disagreeable lifestyle, but in which the actors in the movie live such lives? What about if the producers are engaged in such lifestyles? Or the camera crew? Or the makeup artists? How far do you research lifestyles before letting yourself enjoy a movie?

And then there’s food. I agree that food affects our bodies and we should eat healthy. I believe that GMOs and chemicals aren’t good for us. Neither are a lot of drugs. I mean, have you ever seen the drug commercials in which the side effects sound worse than the health issues the drug is supposed to cure? Why would a person take a drug for depression if the side effect of the drug is suicidal thoughts? Duh! But how far does a person take this? It seems that no matter what the food or supplement is, there is something negative about it. If we ate only “perfect food”, we’d probably starve to death because the list of “perfect” food is small. Dead is dead–does it really matter if a person dies of GMO or starvation? And everyone has a different opinion. Some people say to avoid all drugs, others say avoid certain foods. Some of EJ’s co-workers think we should take JJ to Mexico and treat his cancer with methods not approved in the USA.

Ai, yi, yi!

It makes my head ache.

I can’t help thinking about Howard Hughes, who was so afraid of germs that he became a crazy recluse. I mean, many germs are bad, but fear of them ruined his ability to enjoy life. Maybe he would have been happier if he had accepted a few nasty germs in his life. What good is being germ-free if you live a fear-full life?

I told EJ this morning that what good is it to be so stressed about making sure JJ has the most healthiest food, and the perfect treatment (whatever that is), if we get sick and die of exhaustion or stress to make it happen?

I appreciate the information that people share with us. I think people share out of love and concern, and they can’t know which piece of information will be something vital that we need. I do not think that any individual is flooding us with too much. However, I have “liked” a lot of natural health pages myself so there is a lot of information streaming on my FB page. Sometimes it feels like too much so I do not read every article. If I read every article, I would be reading articles all day long. And sometimes a person has to stop reading and start making choices. As EJ often says, “A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.” 

So what we are doing is the best we can do. I think that is all any of us can do. I have several friends fighting cancer, and I try to support them in whatever way they decide to fight it. Cancer is hard enough to fight without feeling we have to fight it the way another person would. Besides, I don’t think there is a perfect way to fight cancer. Maybe every way is good as long as we are fighting it.

In our family we are trying to make the healthiest choices we can, but not every choice is the perfect choice. Not everyone will agree with every choice we make. We cannot follow all the advice we are given, which doesn’t mean we don’t love the people (or pages) giving it. Some choices might have some negative consequences, but we have to weigh whether the benefits are worth the consequences.

In order to fight stress, sometimes I don’t read every article on FB. sometimes I just turn on Amazon Prime or Netflix and relax with a good movie. A good night’s sleep enables me to fight stress too. But probably I won’t be watching Doctor Who just before bedtime.