I thought this was a very bad week, and it was very difficult in many ways. However, G-d has a way of changing “bad” into “good”–or if not exactly “good” then at least “beneficial.” A friend did something earlier this week that triggered memories and feelings of the emotional abuse I suffered. I felt anguish, sadness, anger, feelings of worthlessness, self-blame, confusion, powerlessness, and loss of identity. My stomach felt tied into knots, I felt emotionally and physically exhausted, and I had trouble sleeping. Because we were already worn out, it was even more difficult to deal with all this. I thought, “Why did this have to happen NOW when we are already pushed to the limits of our endurance from JJ’s battle with cancer???”
I don’t want to describe the actual situation, and neither do I want to get bogged down in a description of my life story. Frankly I am tired of talking about it. However, I do think it would be helpful to describe what emotional abuse is and how it affects a person. The following is from several different websites:
Emotional abuse can be defined as any behavior that affects the psychology of an individual by overpowering him/her. It involves verbal, as well as non-verbal abuse that eventually undermine the self-respect and independence of the sufferer…
An individual under prolonged abuse loses his/her self-confidence, self-concept, self-motivation, and self-worth. It can be more harmful than physical abuse because it can undermine what we think about ourselves. It can cripple all we are meant to be as we allow something untrue to define us.
I have fought very hard to overcome these things and become who G-d designed me to be. Sometimes it feels as if I have to keep fighting and fighting these battles, and I get discouraged. But when I look back, I discover that each battle that I have fought has strengthened me in a different way. Including this one. I have made progress this week. While I will always strive to be loving, patient, compassionate, and understanding towards others, today I began to re-affirm my declarations for myself, which I first began to develop when emerging from emotional abuse. They are:
I thought this was a terrible week. Now I am becoming thankful for how G-d is using it to strengthen me.