The last few days have been quite productive.
Friday I went outside at 9 a.m. and painted the garage until 5 p.m. I completed two additional sides of the garage. When I was on the ladder painting the side nearest the house, I heard a sound and saw a robin with a worm in its mouth land on a branch of the tree at the corner of the garage. As I watched, it moved to its nest and settled in. I was a bit nervous that it would go into “defense mode” when I moved my ladder closer to the nest, but it didn’t seem upset. I enjoyed glancing over now and then and seeing it sitting on its nest.
My guys got home from the north later that night. It was really good to see them!
Saturday I went out to put a second coat of paint on the garage using a thick roller instead of a brush. EJ fastened a very long handle to another roller so he could reach up high to get the parts I wasn’t tall enough to reach. Then he climbed up into the second story of the garage and reached through the window to paint the very top. Meanwhile, JJ scraped off the old loose paint from the fourth side of the garage next to the woodshed and he also got a start painting it. With EJ and JJ’s help, we were able to get the entire three sides of the garage completely painted. We weren’t able to finish the fourth side but I will paint it later in the week when there is no more danger of rain. I will also paint the trim green, which is what it was originally.
When I finish the garage, I will begin scraping the flaking paint from the front and back porches of the house and paint them.
Saturday afternoon we put away our paint supplies. EJ went to his friend’s place so he could rotate the tires of his Xterra “Buggy.” Meanwhile, JJ and I went to a couple of thrift stores to find him clothes for work. He needed black dress pants and dark blue dress or polo shirts. We were able to find everything he needed. At the first thrift store we stopped at, they had a special “fill a bag for $10” sale so I bought me some new t-shirts. That was fun. My favorite t-shirt is one that has a large paw print on the side. I told JJ that I had been marked by a werewolf. I told EJ that it was my “animal whisperer” shirt.
My guys went back north on Sunday afternoon. Each week it is harder to see them go and leave me behind.
This morning I had to take Danny to the veterinary to get his stitches removed. Just outside of our small village is a sheep farm. As we drove by, I saw two tiny little lambs standing on their wobbly little legs next to their Mama. I think they must have just been born and were standing for the first time. They were adorable.
When we move up north, I am going to miss this sheep farm. They have a Great Pyrenees dog that guards the sheep. I have a friend who had a Great Pyrenees and she said that at twilight the dog barks to announce to the world that it is now on duty and then it guards the premises from all intruders. I think that is awesome. Great Pyrenees are white and it is not easy to distinguish them from sheep so we play a “I Spy the Great Pyrenees” game every time we drive by the farm.
When Danny and I arrived at the next town, we went first to the plant nursery where I bought some grass seed and a flat of flowers. I have leveled the area where EJ had had his vegetable garden and I wanted to make it look grassy instead of bare ground. I put the flowers in the raised beds that EJ had made for some of his veggies. I thought it would make the back yard look attractive to prospective buyers of our house.
Danny was having a great time riding in the car until we arrived at the veterinary. Then he got scared and whimpered. Despite his fear, he was very calm while his stitches were being removed. I told the vet that we were moving to the Emerald City and he wished us happiness. He said that he was retiring and had sold his practice. We’ve taken our pets to this vet for more than 20 years. Whether we moved or not, we would have had a new vet to care for our animals.
I have to find JJ a new oncologist in the Emerald City now that we are moving up there. I’ve research oncologists on-line and after Danny and I got home, I called the one we had decided on. The receptionist told me that they will be happy to have JJ as a patient but they must first have a referral from his current doctor. So I called our Cancer Center and the receptionist said she’d inform JJ’s oncologist. Meanwhile, when JJ comes south this weekend he has to sign and mail a release form to his current Cancer Center giving them permission to send his medical records to the new one. We had picked up the form when JJ went in for his last port flush. We hadn’t filled it out because there were too many unknowns. Now that JJ has a job and knows his schedule, and we are closing on a house soon, I feel I can start transferring his medical care up north.
After I got the medical stuff started, I went outside and worked in the yard until late afternoon.
JJ began his new job today at 5 p.m. During a break he texted me, “First day is good so far. I am learning. Should be fine.”
This weekend I got a bit stressed because although several people have said they would help us move when we were house-hunting, none have told us that they will be available on the actual date that will hope to move. If we have help then we’d rent a U-haul. Without help, I worry about EJ trying to move all the heavy things like appliances and furniture with his damaged back. Although JJ and I would help, we are not as strong as EJ so he’d be doing the heaviest lifting. So then I thought that maybe we could hire professional movers to move the heavy things, but I talked to a few and they seem to be awfully expensive. Plus, I read that sometimes unscrupulous movers won’t deliver a family’s possessions unless they pay extra fees they suddenly add on. Yikes! I think we have decided to rent the U-haul and ask people if they will help us.
I was also stressed because we have only a few weeks before we move and we have lots of projects still to do. I don’t want to have to spend every weekend this summer running down to the old house to work on projects. I want to put an end to our old life and begin our new life.
So I stressed a bit, and I got a bit upset. This triggered the effects of emotional abuse. Emotional abusers use manipulation, guilting, blaming, gas lighting, and other tactics to destroy their victim’s sense of identity and reality, causing their victims to not know who they are, to second-guess themselves, to feel inadequate, to blame themselves, and even to not like themselves for not being good enough. So last night these feelings were triggered and I began to wonder if I was justified in being upset or not, to wonder whether I should speak or be silent about things that upset me, to wonder how I am supposed to act, to wonder who I am (am I a good person or a terrible person?), to blame myself for maybe being unkind, for feeling like an awful person, and to feel waves of helplessness and insecurity. This evening I found a really helpful article at FB shared by After Narcissistic Abuse – There is Light, Life & Love. It’s about allowing ourselves to be who we are, to feel, to mess up, to be less than perfect, to not live up to others’ expectations or approval. The article was so helpful that I thought I’d share it here:
I AM MY OWN AUTHORITY
I must give myself the right to be me – to function as I see fit. It is impossible to have a sound self-concept until I am true to myself and accept full responsibility for my own individual life, my own need fulfillment. At any instant I can start a new life.
I ALLOW MYSELF THE FREEDOM – I DEMAND OF MYSELF THE RIGHT:
To recognize myself as an important and interesting person in the world – a unique and precious part of life.
To feel warm and happy, kind and living toward myself.
To realize that at my divine center I am no better or worse, or more or less important, than anyone else in the entire world.
To be different, to make mistakes, to be “wrong,” to be inadequate.
To take the time and effort to fulfill my own needs.
To share my voice, my truth, my feelings, my thoughts, my opinions.
To be happy and free – to be harmonious and effective – to succeed.
To be open and kind, loving and lovable – compassionate and helpful.
To be keenly sensitive and aware – radiantly healthy and energetic.
To do less than perfect – to be inefficient, to procrastinate, to “goof off,” to kill time.
To have “unacceptable” thoughts, images, desire and experiences.
To allow others to make mistakes, to be “wrong” – to be ignorant, to be “screwed-up.”
To act spontaneously, to resist, to change my mind, to be stubborn.
To be emotional – to love, to cry, to be angry, to be selfish and uncaring.
To drop all masks and images – to not fulfill other’s expectations and images of me.
To be criticized condemned, disapproved, disliked and unwanted.
To fail and to learn from it.
To be loyal, courageous, and exceptional – in both my person and my work.
To accept my own authority – to follow my own “knowing.”