Mostly Good

I really didn’t mean to go so long without posting an update…oops.

I am doing mostly good in a lot of ways. I had been afraid that I would be in much more pain after the surgery, but I am actually in much less. No doubt the metal plate in my wrist has stabilized the bones. I still feel pain, of course, but the pain meds help tremendously. The first few days I took whole pills, but on Sunday I began to take half pills and I’m doing fine on the lower dosage.

My new splint is more comfortable than the first one. The splint doesn’t cover my fingers so they aren’t all crushed together. I can move my fingers which is wonderful. My arm was painted with something orange during surgery so it looks as if I’ve been eating Cheetoes–or as if I’m turning into an Oompa Loompa from Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

Before the surgery I was in so much pain that I could only sleep an hour or two at a time. After the surgery I slept much better. In fact, I don’t know if it’s because of the injury to my body or the meds I am taking but I have been sleeping a lot. One moment I’m awake and alert and the next I suddenly can’t keep my eyes open so I go take a nap. This tiredness is why I haven’t posted. I am so tired that it feels as if it takes too much effort to peck out a post.  Mostly when I’m awake I do a few tasks, watch Netflix or Amazon Prime videos…and then take naps.

Mostly I have a good attitude about everything, but every now and then I have a very down day. It is frustrating and physically tiring to struggle to complete the simplest tasks but the emotional struggle is even worse. I worry about EJ because he lives with such chronic pain and fatigue every day. I always try to do as much as I can around the house so he can rest when he is home. Even with my injured hand I’m trying to do everything I can to help out, but there are many things I just can’t do and EJ has to take over many of my chores. It’s difficult knowing EJ has to care for my poultry before and after work when he is exhausted and hurting yet if he doesn’t keep their coop clean and give them clean water every day, they could get sick and die. I’m torn between wanting him to relax and wanting my poultry cared for so they don’t get sick. Sometimes EJ just wants to relax but if he doesn’t take Hannah outside then she paws at me, which is stressful because I’m afraid she will paw my injured arm and hurt it. So I take the dog out as often as I can to try to spare both EJ and me, but it requires effort and sometimes I am tired and don’t want to take her out. But I don’t want to nag EJ to do it.

I think JJ sees me doing a lot of tasks and he assumes I’m almost back to normal. I felt like crying when I asked JJ to please take Hannah out for me before my surgery and he complained that the only reason I was asking him to do it was because I didn’t want to do it myself. I wanted to snap that, no, the only reason I take the dog out is when I’m alone and she needs to go out, and I’m trying not to be a burden. In reality, I’m in excruciating pain, and it’s an effort to take Hannah out, and I’m always scared that I’m going to slip and fall outside and injure myself further. I don’t want to have to plead for help. I don’t want to feel like a burden.

So I struggle to do simple tasks, I feel like a burden (the guys wouldn’t have to do my chores if I hadn’t fallen), I’m trying not to place too many demands on the guys, I feel dependent, vulnerable, and helpless. I am tired, and frustrated, stressed and sometimes anxious.  Sometimes all these emotions grow too overpowering and I have a low day where I feel depressed, frustrated, impatient, and I cry. On those days I don’t want to talk to any friends so I don’t burden them with my emotions.

But not every day is low and mostly I am doing well.

JJ is going to be moving out. He and a friend will be getting an apartment together. It’s actually quite a nice apartment and the complex has a pool, gym, and so on. It will be an adjustment to have him no longer living with us, but I think he is really ready for independence. I think there are valuable lessons and maturity to be gained by moving out that he can’t learn while he is a kid living with his parents.  I know I learned a lot when I moved from my parents years ago and I value the experience. JJ is excited and nervous about this huge step, but I tell him that I’m sure he will do fine and will soon enjoy his independence.

We are selling JJ our Xterra. This is a bit of a sacrifice for us because we liked the Xterra and without it I won’t have any transportation, and we won’t have a backup vehicle if something goes wrong with the sub. However, JJ has been driving it all the time anyway and he needs to have a vehicle.

Last weekend southern Michigan was hit with a snowstorm. The storm didn’t reach our area. I’m glad because EJ didn’t have to snowblow the driveway.