I Love To Go A Gardening
Growing Our Life in Northern Michigan
Early March
Last Tuesday EJ came home from work sick with the awful flu that has been going around. He was so sick that he didn’t go to work for the rest of the week. When he contacted his company to tell them that he was going back to his first job, they told him not to bothering coming back. It makes sense, really, since he had only worked there for three weeks–and he was sick for most of the third week.
So rather than give two weeks’ notice that he was leaving, which is customary, he was able to begin his old new job on Monday. Last year his first day with this company was on March 9th and this year his first day at the same company was March 7 so both his first days at this company was almost exactly one year apart–and both times he was sick. He said everyone told him that they were really glad to have him back. Even the “big bosses” came by to shake his hand and welcome him back.
Yesterday was actually EJ’s first anniversary of moving up north. He moved north the day before he started his new job, and he lived in a motel for about three months while I stayed behind to take care of things downstate. My anniversary day is not until June 1st–the day we closed on this house.
EJ kissed me while he was sick so it was inevitable that I would get sick as well. I think kissing is a habit (a good one) and we forget that the other person is sick until, “Dog-gone it, you KISSED ME! And you are SICK!” All weekend I stayed in bed, sometimes shivering with chills, sometimes drenched with sweat, and always aching and coughing and groaning. I was so sick that I didn’t eat for days; I wasn’t hungry. I am just now beginning to eat again. Fortunately, EJ was on the mend by then and he was able to take care of me. “On the mend” actually means feeling less bad.
With two people sick in the household, it isn’t surprising that JJ has gotten sick too. Fortunately, I am on the mend (feeling less bad) so I can take care of JJ. I feel really bad for JJ because although he could stay home from work and recuperate, he cannot stay home from school and he still has to study. He looks terrible and is doing a lot of groaning. We’ve had to scramble to make sure our medical insurance is reinstated so that JJ can go to the doctor and get an excuse for missing work. EJ called me after work today that everything was A-OK and JJ immediately called his doctor.
Yesterday was Michigan’s election primary. JJ felt too sick to vote, but EJ and I voted. It was kind of a weird experience because for the last 20 years we voted at the same place, and the same volunteers worked at the polls, and we encountered familiar faces waiting in line. Now, here we were doing the same familiar procedure but at a completely new place, with new faces, knowing no one. It felt sort of like when you visit your hometown after being away from it for years–both familiar and strange.
Yesterday I was finally able to do some light housekeeping. While I was vacuuming the carpet, the vacuum cleaner died. We have only had it for less than a year. I remember that we have had other vacuum cleaners suddenly quit working and it was a simple fix, but I couldn’t remember what the problem had been. Then today I figured out that dog hair and other debris had gotten packed in the hose. So I sat on the floor and using a bunch of tools, including a stretched out wire hanger, which worked inadequately, a pair of tongs which were too thick to be of any use, a fork which was too short, needle-nosed pliers which were also too short, and finally two shish-kabob skewers which worked the best, I patiently teased out the hair until with a great gulp of air, the vacuum was unclogged and began to work again. This is good because Danny sheds so much that I could make a whole new dog out of the hair that is comes out of him each time I brush him. I always throw out his piles of hair for the birds to line their nests with.
We have enjoyed watching the deer coming to our house to eat. They come in groups of two or four or six. Most of them are small yearlings and a couple of them are quite tiny, which means they were born later in the season last year. It’s very hard to take pictures or videos of them because they spook really easily and the slightest movement or noise causes them to vanish. But I was able to get a video of six of them before they leaped gracefully away.
The turkeys haven’t visited for a couple of weeks, but I looked out my window yesterday and the yard was teeming with them. They move around a lot so it’s hard to get an accurate count, but there was about 40 of them, give or take a few, which is twice as many as we’ve ever had before. They returned again today. They came two different times today. I think there were two different groups rather than one group returning.
The weather has been very warm–with several days the temperature up into the 60s. This morning it was very misty and I watch clouds of misty fog writhe around trees and slither across the driveway. It was gorgeous. I love that different types of weather changes the look of our Enchanted forest.
With such warm temps, a lot of the snow has melted and we can see the grass and bare driveway again. Although I will miss sledding down the hill, it will be nice not to have to go four-wheeling up our driveway or worry about getting stuck in the snow. Unless, of course, winter returns for a final punch or two. When JJ was a child, I used to tell him that Spring and Autumn were when Winter and Summer fought.
One thing I am not looking forward to–no, not at all–is a return of the spiders.
Plot Twist!
The story of our lives has taken a new direction. I guess you could call it a plot twist.
As those of you who are reading our story know, business at EJ’s company slowed down to historical levels so EJ got laid off from his job about a month ago. That was scary, but he quickly found a new job, and he likes his new company as much as he liked the previous one. However, at this new job EJ earns two dollars less per hour than at his previous job, and finances that were already tight–since we still haven’t sold our old house yet–are even tighter. Two dollars per hour less is $4,000 per year less. Yikes. Also, we don’t have medical insurance for 90 days, which is kind of scary, especially since EJ has health problems and JJ needs to have regular appointments with his oncologist to make sure he remains cancer-free. In addition, EJ was hired through an employment agency so technically he works for them as a temp until his contract with them expires. The advantage of this new company is that it has long-term contracts so the chances of getting laid off are very slim.
Well, late last week EJ got a call from his previous company–the one that laid him off–and they offered him another job at the same pay he was getting before, which means he’d get his $2 per hour back. Also, he’d be a “direct hire” which means he wouldn’t work through an employment agency. In addition, the new position would involve working in a different department on a “core product” which means there is less chance of getting laid off than before. However, the owner of the company is older and will probably sell his company in a couple of years and the work environment could change drastically with a new owner. And what if the company lays EJ off again? His current company would unlikely want to hire him again if he left after working less than three weeks. So we’d be permanently closing a door.
Despite the increase in pay, EJ is happy at his new job so he was going to decline the job offer to go back to the other company. But then he was told that he would immediately have medical insurance. That is a HUGE advantage.
We had to quickly make a decision. It’s hard to make a decision when the choices are both good. It’s hard to decide when both have more-or-less equal advantages and disadvantages. It makes me feel like the game show, Let’s Make A Deal, in which a contestant is given something of value and then given a choice of whether to keep it or exchange it for a different item. Does EJ keep what he has or risk it for possibly something better?
We decided that the $2 more per hour and the immediate medical insurance were too necessary to pass up. EJ is returning to his previous job.
Meanwhile, I’m a member of a popular INFJ Facebook page. Apparently, my comments always get a lot of likes so the senior admin has been urging me to become part of their team for the last year or so. I’ve always declined because there was always too much going on in our lives–like moving, for example, and trying to recover from burnout. However, I finally agreed to co-host a weekly segment about being an INFJ. I would actually share duties with another host so I’d have to do it one day every other week. That is more manageable than hosting it every week, especially since I’m also trying to get my Etsy store going. I’ve spent the last days trying to learn about my new duties. Who knows where this will lead?
Meanwhile, JJ is hoping to move on to a new job. Since a new Meijer store opened up in November, his store’s business has been cut about 50 percent and the corporate office is eliminating positions throughout the company, which is causing stress. JJ thinks it’s time to move on. He is really good at his job and he frequently has customers urge him to work at their companies. A co-worker who works as a park ranger has been urging JJ to apply so he filled out an application and dropped it off a few days ago. We shall see what happens with that.
My family has always been very cautious and Hobbit-ish, but in the last year or so, if feels as if we have been taking, oh, so many risks. New move, new jobs, new roles, new opportunities. I feel a bit like Bilbo Baggins:
“Then something Tookish woke up inside him, and he wished to go and see the great mountains, and hear the pine-trees and the waterfalls, and explore the caves, and wear a sword instead of a walking-stick.”
The End of February
I’m surprised that I haven’t written since February 17th. Time went fast.
The second half of February has gone better than the first half, although I do feel a bit worse for wear.
I have mostly been busy crocheting. I have an order for 50 bookmarks. I don’t have to finish them until late summer, but I like to get orders done as soon as possible so I’ve been working hard at them.
In addition to working on the bookmarks, I was able to set up a Facebook page that is linked to my Etsy store AND I was able to put a link to my Facebook page and store in this blog. It’s at the left side of my blog. How cool is that? I think that if you click on the name of my store–Teric’s Treasures, you will go to the Facebook page, but if you click on an item, you will be taken to my Etsy store.
The weather has really been warming up around here–into the 40 and 50 degrees. We still have a lot of snow but it’s melting. We actually can see some of our driveway here and there amidst the snow.
EJ says that with the weather warming up, the bears could start waking up soon. I read that bears can wake up as early as March depending on the weather–but normally bears come out of hibernation in April. Bears wake up very hungry and will often raid bird feeders, so I have to start thinking about putting away the feeders before they find them. I read that normally bears are very shy and will avoid humans, but if they find a food source–like bird feeders–they could get used to humans and become dangerous. I hate to put away the bird feeders because they draw the birds into the open where I can see them. It’s much harder to see them when they are hidden in the trees. Still, I don’t want bears.
I went outside a couple of days ago to refill the suet feeders and found one of them missing. Only part of the chain was left hanging on the hook. I looked around the area in case it had fallen, but couldn’t see it anywhere. I wondered if a bear could have taken it away, but EJ said I would have definitely seen signs of a bear–like footprints–if it had been a bear.
For a while the wild turkeys were coming by every two or three days to eat the seeds that had fallen from the bird feeders. But suddenly they stopped coming. I suspected they might be mating and laying eggs. I looked it up and found an interesting article about turkeys from the Michigan Department of Natural Resources that said:
…Turkeys are social birds and in winter often separate into three distinct groups: adult males (toms), young males (jakes), and females (hens) of all ages. These flocks begin to disperse in late winter or early spring when courtship and mating rituals begin. Toms set up territories and begin gobbling, strutting, and displaying in hopes of attracting a harem of hens. Most hens, regardless of age, will breed with a gobbler each spring. Egg laying begins in April, and each hen will lay a clutch of 11 to 12 eggs over a two-week period…
I think it’s interesting to learn about the wildlife that we encounter.
When the turkeys stopped coming by, some new visitors began making an appearance to eat the cracked corn that we had bought for the birds and squirrels. At first, we saw only one or two deer. They came by early in the morning, about mid-day, and at twilight. Tonight SIX deer came to eat the corn. They were right outside our windows! Most of them are quite young–yearlings, we are certain. The deer are very cautious. The slightest movement spooks them and they run off. So whenever the deer appear, we don’t make sudden movements and we talk in a whisper. If we have to move through the house, we try not to let the deer see us so we duck under windows or slide past doors. Often the deer will look right at us through the windows so we hold very still. The deer are so beautiful. We love to watch them.
The pictures below are some that I took a couple of mornings ago. I wanted to photograph the six deer that came tonight, but my camera was in my purse, which was on the table in the other room, and I didn’t want to risk moving and spooking the deer.
We have three different types of squirrels at our feeders: Fox squirrels, gray squirrels, and red squirrels.
It’s really fun watching the wildlife.
Although I’m a bit tired of snowblowing snow, and it’s not fun getting stuck in deep snow, the slippery driveway sort of scares me, I’m sort of sad to see winter leave because I get to see so many more wildlife in the winter. Also, when the weather warms up, the bears wake up and so do huge scary spiders. But, still, the warmer months are beautiful too.
Frightful February
February has been such a loooonnnnnggggg, awful month so far. Ugh.
I cannot share most of the story of what has made February so awful because it involves others so I only told a few close friends who I knew would pray for us. That untellable part of the story has made me feel, battered, beaten, overwhelmed, stressed, saddened, soggied, and somewhat angry.
In addition to the untellable parts of the story, EJ got permanently laid off from his job, which I already shared, and which was scary. He immediately got hired at a new company. He started Monday and I hoped and prayed and hoped and prayed that this would be a good company. I was totally relieved when he said that he liked it even better than his last company. People there have told him that his previous company has a habit of hiring people and laying them off, while his current company tends not to because they have long-term contracts so there’s always work. The work is complicated, but EJ was told if he could handle the complicated work at his last company, he will have no problem here–in fact, he probably was hired because he was doing well at the previous company. And EJ again will work four 10-hour days each week, but there is a good chance for overtime, which will help our finances. So despite all the stress and anxiety of EJ getting laid off, and finding and starting a new job…Whew!
EJ’s previous company paid him for unused vacation days in addition to his regular (last) paycheck, so that will help until he gets his first paycheck from his new company.
Since EJ didn’t work all last week, he was going to build my bookshelves in our library. Instead, we spent the week ferrying JJ to school and his job because the Buggy was stuck in the driveway. We also spent a lot of very exhausting hours digging the Buggy out of the snow, only to have it slide into another snowdrift along the driveway. Sunday evening I had to sit in the Buggy and push on the gas and steer while EJ tried to pull it out with the Suburban. No luck. I am totally inexperienced at this sort of thing, so it was very, very stressful for me. On Monday, while EJ was working, I snowblowed behind and in front of the buggy, which by this time was stuck near the bottom of the driveway. I also did my best to dig out the snow under the Buggy. Later that evening we dug a bit more and then with JJ in the Buggy this time, EJ tried again to pull it out with the Suburban. This time we were successful and we got both vehicles up the hill and parked in front of the garage.
In our efforts to get the Buggy unstuck, its tail lights were smashed. JJ didn’t want to drive it yesterday. For some reason, he is always anxious about getting stopped by police, even if only for a “fix-it ticket.” This week EJ is on first shift while he is trained; I think he will start working second shift next week. First shift begins at 6 a.m., so EJ has to get up at 4 a.m. I got up with EJ yesterday, and rode to work with him and then drove the Sub home with the goal of taking JJ to school later. EJ had explained to me how to put the Sub in 4-wheel-drive to get it up the driveway, but on the way to his work a light came on saying “Service 4wd” and when I got to the driveway, I couldn’t get the 4wd to engage. I got stuck in the driveway; the Sub slid and blocked the whole driveway. My stress level–already high–went even higher because I am inexperienced at getting vehicles unstuck, and if I couldn’t get it unstuck, I wouldn’t be able to pick up EJ from work later in the day. (I considered calling a taxi for him if necessary.) Neither would I be able to get JJ to school or work. I felt like crying.
It was still early and the sun hadn’t yet risen so it was very dark. I trudged up the driveway and waited until dawn. I woke JJ up and told him he needed to help me get the Sub unstuck. While he got dressed, I grabbed a shovel and went back down the hill to the Sub. I started the Sub and this time the 4wd engaged, but the tires spun and went nowhere. I went back up the hill and grabbed the kitty litter (I put it on a sled and sledded down the hill with it 🙂 ) and sprinkled some kitty litter in front of the tires for traction. JJ got into the Sub and was able to drive it up the hill.
I was exhausted. I took a nap until it was time to get ready to take JJ to school.
We left at noon. I prayed all the way down the driveway that we wouldn’t get stuck again, and we didn’t. Whew! I successfully dropped JJ off at the college. JJ’s class was about 2 hours long so it wasn’t worth driving all the way home and back again so I stayed in the city. To pass the time, I stopped at Joann Fabrics and browsed through the store. I recently had gotten an order for 50 bookmarks, so I bought a couple skeins of red crochet cotton. I also bought a couple of bottles of bubble solution for EJ and me. I had read that when it’s cold, the bubbles freeze and I thought it would be fun to try. We need quiet, relaxing fun in our lives. After I had browsed through all the aisles of Joann Fabrics two or three times, I drove to a seed store and bought some suet for the birds and dog food for Danny. I still had time to kill, so I stopped at a grocery store and wandered through it. Then I drove back to the college, picked up JJ, and took him to work, which was a few miles down the road.
Then it was time to pick up EJ. I found my way to his company with no problem. I just look for the “Sith” sign. Actually, the sign is his company’s initials, which is nothing like the word “Sith,” but the font makes it look as if it says “Sith” so I tell EJ that he is now working for the Siths.
We went out to eat at our favorite restaurant. Then we went to Goodwill…just because. Then we went to the auto parts store across the street and bought tail light tape for the Buggy. It will do until we can order an actual tail light replacement. Then we drove across the city to Lowes to exchange an item that was the wrong size. Then it was time to pick up JJ from work.
We got home about 9 p.m. As we drove up the driveway, I felt incredibly stressed and anxious that we’d get stuck again. That driveway is both a blessing and a curse, a pleasure and a pain. I love that it winds around and hides us from the road, and I love sledding down it. I dislike that it caused us so much work and money last summer and that it’s treacherous to drive up in the winter.
EJ had been up since 4 a.m., but he took the time to show JJ how to tape the tail light. Meanwhile, I took our day’s purchases into the house and took Danny outside. I was so relieved to finally get to bed.
I have my phone alarm set for 4 a.m. as a backup to EJ’s phone alarm. Usually his phone is set to vibrate and I don’t want him to not hear it and be late to work. I confess that when my alarm sounded this morning, I turned it off and snuggled back into bed. But then Danny told me that he needed to go outside so I got out of bed and took him out. I made EJ’s breakfast to eat now and lunch to eat later and said goodbye to him before heading back to bed.
Today I am staying home. Going nowhere. I am cleaning, and doing some laundry, and making homemade bread. Later, I will start working on the bookmark order. It’s a custom order, so I might have to adapt a pattern or make up my own.
February has been awful. February has totally stressed me out. I am ready for February to be over with. Sadly, we still have twelve days left in this month. I’m not sure I will survive February.
Winter Work
Yesterday a few women read my last post about the depression and anxiety that I was feeling and they suggested that I start taking Vitamin D3. As soon as they said that I thought, well, duh! Our doctor downstate had once told us that she had done research about Vitamin D deficiency and discovered that it is at epidemic levels in Michigan because we don’t get enough sunlight. And my current doctor had suggested that I take Vitamin D when I told her that I had been struggling with anxiety and depression. I had taken it for awhile and it did help, but then I forgot. So I was grateful for the reminders.
It’s easy to think that anxiety, depression, and feelings of being overwhelmed are caused by a lack of faith or positive outlook. However, I know that chronic stress can really affect the body–and we’ve had chronic stress for a long time which I think really depleted us. Stress affects EJ in physical ways. Last summer he actually experienced numbness and faintness and we were afraid he was having a stroke or heart attack, but we found out it was due to stress. His doctor told him that stress has killed of the probiotics in his intestines so he has to be careful what he eats until he can build them back up. Meanwhile, my stress comes out more in emotional symptoms–feeling terribly overwhelmed, anxious, and depressed. This morning I took Vitamin D3 and a few other vitamins and I did feel much better. I still feel a bit of anxiety over finances and EJ starting his new job–new jobs are difficult and this job is complicated and EJ has to learn a new machine language. I always worry about him until I see that his job is going well. But I am not feeling anxiety to the unbearable levels that I had been experiencing.
Overnight we got about a foot of snow. I can’t believe how much snow we get up here in the north–and this has been a mild winter. I’ve read at a weather site that usually we get about 120-150 or so inches of snow during the winter.
The buggy is still stuck in the driveway so EJ has been taking JJ to school every day. I didn’t want EJ to get the suburban stuck this morning, so after I refilled the bird feeders this morning, I sneakily got out the snowblower and began to clear the driveway. EJ does so much that I try to help out when I can. I am supposed to fill the snowblower with gas before I start it, and I did try, but the 5 gallon container of gas was very heavy to lift and I didn’t get it as full as I should have. I went down our 500 foot drive, back up the driveway, and then down again and then the snowblower ran out of gas. Rats! I called EJ and he said he would bring the container of gas down, but he wasn’t even dressed yet so it took him a while to get down to me. I had run out of gas right at the very edge of the road so I couldn’t just leave the snowblower there. It was very cold today and I was sure I was going to freeze to death before he joined me.
I didn’t freeze to death…although I might have come close. EJ eventually came down the driveway pulling a sled with the gas container on it. He filled the snowblower and then took over clearing the driveway while I pulled the sled with the gas container back up the hill. I was freezing when I got in the house, so I sat down with a cup of hot coffee. But before I could take more than a sip or two Danny wanted outside and he never likes to go out without me. So I got my coat, hat, boots, and gloves back on and took him outside. Then I came back in and got all undressed and sipped my coffee again. But then I saw that EJ was returning after two trips down the driveway, so I got my winter clothes back on and went out to take my turn again even though I was still cold. He waved me away and went down again so I went back inside to my coffee. I tried twice more to take my turn at snowblowing, and EJ only let me take over the second time to clear the little bit of driveway in front of the garage because he needed to change out of his work clothes to take JJ to school.
I ended up going with EJ when he took JJ to school. We didn’t really have time to go back home, so EJ and I stayed in town and went to a couple of thrift stores until it was time to pick up JJ. EJ and I love treasuring hunting at thrift shops. It’s inexpensive fun. We also stopped at a seed store to get pet food.
After we got home again, EJ and I went outside to trying digging out the buggy. The last time EJ tried to get the buggy unstuck, the steering wheel wouldn’t turn so he was afraid something had broken or bent. We cleared the snow from the front of the buggy and EJ slid under it to take a look. Nothing was broken or bent and he discovered a huge ball of icy snow had caused the problem. So he got that out and we shoveled the snow from around the buggy. Then EJ started the buggy to try to get it unstuck. This time he could turn the steering wheel (yay!) but the tires spun. They couldn’t get traction on the slippery snow. We walked up the hill intending to get boards to put under the tires, but we were so exhausted from all the physical work we had done in the cold today that we just didn’t have the energy to work anymore. We called it quits for the night. Well, mostly. I still did a bunch of chores–like made popcorn, washed dishes, did laundry, and cleaned out the kitty litter….
We need to get the buggy unstuck before EJ starts his new job or JJ won’t be able to get to school or work.
Over the weekend, forecasters are predicting that we could get more snow–like maybe even as much as another foot. And it’s supposed to turn much colder. That is life in the north.
A Day and A Half
As you know, Friday EJ was permanently laid off from the wonderful job that enabled us to move to our beautiful enchanted forest in Northern Michigan.
EJ told me that as soon as he got into his suburban, he called the head hunter (a person who connects companies with job seekers) and set up an appointment with him for Monday. His meeting with the head hunter lasted an hour, and 20 minutes after he left he was called by a company wanting him to come in for an interview. He missed the call at that time because he was driving but he called back later and set up an interview for Tuesday morning. He went to the interview on Tuesday and the company immediately hired him. He starts next Monday.
The pay is a little less than he was getting at the other company–but at least EJ has a job. All of the new company’s contracts are long-term so it’s very unlikely he will ever get laid off. He’s also back to working ten-hour days for four days a week. With less income, money will be tight, but JJ has taken over paying for his phone bill and his medical bill for cancer.
Thank you all who have prayed for us. EJ was technically without a job for about a day and a half (not counting the weekend). I’m so relieved and thankful that he has a job so quickly. I pray that he loves this one even more than the previous one.
Our buggy is still stuck in the driveway. EJ believes something is preventing the steering wheel from turning so that he can’t pull it out. He has been driving JJ to school and work. I’m not sure what will happen when EJ begins working.
We had a scare today. EJ took JJ to school, then went to fill out paperwork for his new company, and then picked JJ up from school. I was surprised when JJ came to the door and I didn’t see any sign of EJ or the suburban. JJ said, “Dad is stuck at the bottom of the driveway.” He had come up to get a shovel. We had gotten several more inches of snow. A guy driving by saw that EJ was stuck and stopped and pulled him out. It turns out that he’s a neighbor that lives down the road, and EJ and he had a nice chat. I was relieved that we didn’t have two vehicles stuck in the driveway. After EJ got the sub up the driveway, he and I took turns snowblowing the driveway.
I tell EJ that I feel so easily overwhelmed and anxious and depressed these days–with an intensity I’ve never felt before. It’s as if I have no shields to protect me and everything hits me hard and deep. I don’t know if it’s a symptom of Caregiver Burnout or what. I hate it. But whenever I get overwhelmed, EJ says, “Don’t worry. I am your Samwise and I will help you.”
I Am Your Sam
It’s has been a difficult week…as in terrifyingly difficult. I debated whether or not to write about this but, oh, well, here goes:
We moved north to give ourselves a fresh start and to recover from years of difficulties. We all have suffered symptoms of chronic stress. The stress came out mostly in different ways. We all struggled with anxiety attacks but most of EJ’s stress affected him physically. JJ has nightmares and gets easily upset. I have struggled with depression. To fight it, I have counted my blessings, sledded down our hill, enjoyed the beauty and wildlife on our property, and so on. We were slowly recovering.
For the last few months, EJ’s new company has been experiencing a historic slowdown. The work has just not been there. With so little work to be done, EJ was moved from second to first shift and he did whatever work was found for him.
Monday morning EJ called me to tell me that he had been permanently laid off. As in, he no longer has a job. His bosses told him that he was an excellent worker, they all enjoyed him, but the work is just not there. They gave him hugs as they parted.
So now we have a new house, an old house that hasn’t yet sold, and no income.
Talk about stress!
EJ is the most hopeful of the three of us.
I don’t know how we will make it. I feel very scared and completely overwhelmed. I feel fragile and emotional. I cry often and the smallest tasks seem incredibly difficult. Sometimes I don’t want to get out of bed. EJ says that I have always been incredibly strong and that “You have been strong for too long.” I tell him that I hate feeling so fragile and weak and emotional. “I feel like Frodo in The Lord of the Rings when he moaned, “I just can’t do this anymore, Sam.” EJ says, “If you are Frodo then I am your Sam…and I will carry you.”
Turkey Whisperer
This morning as EJ was driving off to work, he saw a large flock of turkeys, which he guessed might be headed to our place. He was right. Ever since the first turkey found our bird feeders, the turkeys have been appearing every two or three days.
I love them.
Today they stayed most of the day–about 5 or 6 hours. They had been at our property for an hour or two, eating the seeds that had fallen from the bird feeders when I thought about them not moving very far away when JJ got into the Buggy and drove off to work the other day. I decided to see how they would react if I took a scoop of bird seed outside and scattered it around so they could eat some more. When I went outside, they didn’t run into the forest. Instead, they all gathered near the far feeders. I scattered the seed and went back inside and they went back to eating. A couple of hours later, I scattered another scoop of seeds and, again, they didn’t move very far away. As soon as I turned to go back into the house, they began to move toward the seeds.
Maybe they will get used to me coming out with seeds for them.
I feel like the Turkey Whisperer. Or maybe like Snow White. When I was a child (and even now), I always liked stories about people who could talk to animals. The summer that I was 16 years old, I trained the squirrels in our neighborhood to take peanut butter crackers from my hand. It was cool.
At one point, one of the turkeys sort of flyingly jumped onto the small tray feeder and ate the seed there while another turkey looked up at him. Later, a turkey–maybe the same one?–stood on the large rock and ate the seed from the feeder.
The other birds pretty much stay away from the feeders while the turkeys are there. During the afternoon, I watched the Pileated Woodpecker fly from the trees on one side of our property to the other–and back again–obviously wanting to eat the suet. A couple of times it landed on the suet feeder, but was nervous about the turkeys and didn’t stay long. When the turkeys finally walked single file into the forest and disappeared, the woodpecker immediately flew to the suet and ate undisturbed. The other little birds returned to the feeders as well.
I think the birds–all of them–are very interesting to watch.
Tonight when EJ came home from work, he showed me his bandaged hand. Work has been slow so he has been working in the shipping department building boxes. He accidentally put a nail through his hand with the nail gun. Yuck.
Tomorrow morning he has to have a root canal done. Yuck again.
Michigan Bucket List
I think I am addicted to sledding.
Whenever EJ snowblows the driveway, the sledding gets better because there is no fluffy snow to slow me down. Last weekend the sledding got faster and faster and faster and by Monday it was so fast that I practically flew down the driveway. I could feel the breeze hitting my face. It was so fun that on Monday I sledded down the driveway seven times. I didn’t bother even trying to video it because it took all my skill to steer the sled around the curves. Once I got out of control and tumbled off the sled, but I just laughed and got back on the sled and continued on my way. EJ held Danny on his leash the last time I went down. He said he thought I must have been going at least 25 mph.
JJ said that I should go to a real sledding place. I said no way. I have an awesome private sledding hill all to myself. I don’t have to wait in line, I don’t have to deal with crowds of people, I can sled whenever I want. Nothing could be more perfect.
Monday night it snowed and it snowed all of Tuesday too. There was too much snow for the sledding to be any good. The snow was wet and heavy–perfect for making snowmen so I made a dozen or so little snowmen along the driveway when I took Danny outside in the morning. I also made a cat snowman. Then I came inside to rest.
Not long after I came inside, the turkeys showed up. Last week one lone turkey came to eat the seeds that had fallen from the birdfeeders. A few days later, EJ counted eleven turkeys at the feeders. Yesterday about two dozen turkeys arrived. It appears the word that there is free food is spreading. I’m kind of wondering how many will show up next time.
After about an hour, JJ had to leave for work, and I wondered how the turkeys would react to him going outside. Would they fly/run away in a panic? I began videoing the turkeys as JJ went outside. They quickly–but not in a panic–ran into the edge of the forest. A couple of them stood guard watching JJ. As he drove down the driveway–before he was even out of sight–they began to return.
The turkeys stayed for 2 1/2 hours. After they finally left, I went back outside and built more snowmen. I built a bunch more little snowmen and three large ones. However, my greatest achievement was the Dalek snowman.
For the Dalek body, I filled a trash can with snow, packed it down, and tipped it out. I used a shovel to give the body its shape. I used a muffin pan to make the round mounds to attach to the body. I used a small plunger and a whisk for the “hands” and a small section of a birdfeeder pole (which I haven’t put out because I can’t find all the pieces) for the head attachment. I put it at the top of the driveway to surprise EJ and JJ when they came home. Then I waited.
By the time I finished making the snowmen, I was tired and dripping with sweat. Making snowmen is hard work–but good exercise.
EJ came into the house laughing and telling me how great I did with the Dalek. He said he didn’t see it until he backed into his parking spot in front of the garage and his headlights shone on it.
I fixed him supper and then he went outside to snowblow the driveway. We had had at least 7 inches of snow. It was completely dark by the time he started clearing the driveway. He asked if I’d come out and check on him now and then, but I pretty much stayed outside with him until he finished, with only brief forays into the house to get a drink or use the bathroom. It was warm enough that it was pleasant to be outside. A few times I took Danny outside so he could use his “facilities” and/or walk with me down the driveway. It was snowing and everything was snow-covered and beautiful in the night. Once I looked up and saw stars in the sky, but it was still snowing rather hard, which I thought was unique.
EJ had most of the driveway cleared when JJ arrived home. I was near the bottom of the driveway, just a little ahead of EJ’s snowblower. JJ paused to talk to his Dad so I hurried up the driveway. When JJ had driven up the driveway, parked the Buggy, and gotten out, I had my flashlight shining on the dalek. I didn’t want JJ to miss it. He saw it and started exclaiming, “Oh, that is so AWESOME!” He took a picture of it and sent it to his girlfriend.
When EJ had cleared the driveway and was working on clearing his turnaround place up near the house, I grabbed my sled. EJ laughed at me and said he was just about ready to text me that the driveway was ready for sledding. I went down twice. I went really fast, so fast that it was difficult to see where the curves were in the dark, but I made the turns well, and went further than I ever had before. It was fun!
This morning I was so tired and sore from building snowmen and sledding down the hill. But it was so much fun.
This morning the snow-covered landscape was breathtakingly beautiful. As I looked out the window and drank it all in, I said to EJ, “If I lived in a place like this, I would never leave.” Then I laughed. “Of course, I DO live here and I never want to leave.”
Tonight we are supposed to get more snow. And the wind is going to start blowing and cause drifts and reduced visibilities. When I sledded down to the mailbox this afternoon it was getting breezy. I am glad that EJ and JJ will be home before the weather worsens.
I’m been thinking that I should make a Michigan Bucket List of all the things I want to explore and do in Northern Michigan. I wouldn’t put anything I did long ago in my childhood, but only things that I’ve done since we’ve moved here –or things that I want to do, which I will check off when I do them. I’ve already
- Sailed on a tall ship–and helped hoist the sails
- Went on a large inflatable boat on Grand Traverse Bay
- Gone across the beautiful Mackinac Bridge
- Climbed up Castle Rock
- Eaten pasties in the Upper Peninsula
- Driven through the Tunnel of Trees
- Taken a color tour on beautiful M-22
- Road a ski lift to enjoy the beautiful autumn colors
- Visited two lighthouses
- Stood on the frozen waters of Grand Traverse Bay and Lake Michigan
- Gone sledding down the driveway
- Built snowmen
- Had deer and turkeys wander through out property.
- Enjoyed Pileated Woodpeckers
EJ and I have been talking about taking a polar bear plunge into icy winter waters. We don’t want to do it at a festival when crowds of people are doing it. We’d find a quiet lake nearby (there are many), dive into the icy water, and then quickly drive home. We’d do it just because. I also want to go snowshoeing. I also would like to go parasailing. I was going to do it last summer but we had to work on getting our driveway fixed. Maybe next summer. And there are tons of nature refuges to walk on. I told EJ that we could spend years exploring this area and when we’ve explored it…I want to explore it again. Yup. I will have to make a Michigan Bucket List.
A Winter Date
Several nights ago EJ woke me at about 4 a.m. “I have something to show you. Come look,” he whispered. We quietly sneaked into the living room. There were two deer just outside the window exploring the bird feeders. We tried to be quiet, but they were aware that we were there and after a few minutes they silently disappeared.
Yesterday when I walked up the driveway after having sledded down to get the mail, I noticed turkey tracks in the snow. A short time later, I glanced out the window and saw the turkey eating the seed that had fallen from the bird feeders. He was out there for quite some time, gobbling his fill.
There were also two crows eating the seed on the ground. I wasn’t able to get pictures of them under the feeders but I did get a picture of them sitting in the tree. I like crows. They are very intelligent, interesting birds.
Today EJ and I went on a date.
First, we stopped at the feed store and bought some cat food and some bird seed. We were almost out of cat food and completely out of bird seed. We try not to do much shopping on Saturdays, but EJ’s work hours have changed because of a slowdown in work. He is now working five 8 hour days instead of four 10 hour days–and he has been switched from second shift to day shift. The change in shift makes it harder for us to get errands done. The feed store closes before he gets out of work and isn’t open on Sundays so….today it was.
After we bought the cat and bird food, we went for a drive. Both EJ and my families had often vacationed in Northern Michigan when we were growing up. EJ has often been to Northern Michigan in the winter, but I have only ever been here in the summer so I am interested in experiencing winter here. I’d love to see the Great Lakes icy and frozen. I want to hear ice cracking as it is being created and thawing. I’ve also heard that sometimes the waves freeze and people can walk right out on them! This winter has been too mild for the Great Lakes to freeze, or so I’ve heard, but I still want to see the Lake in the winter.
Today we drove up Old Mission Peninsula, which is a peninsula that divides Grand Traverse Bay into two halves. The Peninsula is filled with vineyards, wineries and orchards. Of course, everything is snowy and bare right now, but winter has its own special sort of beauty. At the tip of Old Mission Peninsula is the pretty Old Mission Lighthouse which was built in 1870. I took pictures of it and then we walked down to the water’s edge. Actually, the water near the shore was frozen, so we actually walked out on the ice for a few feet. Woo hoo! I am walking on the Bay!
We weren’t the only ones at the park. Several people were there snowshoeing. Some were with their dogs and, of course, we gave them lovings. I told EJ that I can’t wait until we can snowshoe too. I have never snowshoed before, but it looks like fun. I’ve always lived in a town and although I built snowmen and snowforts in the winter, I wasn’t all that thrilled with outdoor activities. But up here with our own forest and sledding hill and interesting parks and trails nearby, winter seems more fun and I want to experience more of it.
After we left the Old Mission Peninsula, we drove to Leelanau State Park, which is on the tip of another peninsula between Grand Traverse Bay and Lake Michigan. The Grand Traverse Lighthouse is located there. Again we encountered people snowshoeing. We also saw a 150 year-old Northern White Cedar Tree. It was unlike any cedar tree I had ever seen. We walked passed the lighthouse and out along the shore. Again, there was ice along the shore. Woo hoo! I am standing on Lake Michigan!
We were starving after we left the lighthouses, so we stopped at a restaurant to eat before driving home. When we got home, EJ and I sledded down the driveway to get the mail with Danny running alongside us.
We were so tired when we got back up the hill that we both took naps.
It was a wonderful day.
Snow Fun
Here in the North, we’ve had snowstorms and lake effect snow. It’s been snowing constantly for days–meteorologists say that we’ve gotten 1-4 inches of snow per hour at times. I’m not sure exactly how many inches of snow we’ve gotten. In the unshoveled areas near the house, the snow is at my knees. I told EJ that I would like to make a post to measure the snow. Our property is full of hills and valleys so I think the depth of the snow would depend on where we stand but at least it would give us some idea, more or less.
With the heavy snow, low visibility, and slippery roads, driving conditions have been quite bad and there have been numerous accidents in the area. JJ’s college classes were actually cancelled today because of the weather. He wasn’t scheduled to work today so he got to stay home. EJ had to go to work, but he’s experienced at driving in bad weather.
EJ used the snowblower for the first time on Friday. While he was clearing the driveway, I made four snowmen along the driveway. Three were standing, but I made the fourth one lying down with x’s for his eyes as if he was dead. Hey, I always loved the imaginative snowmen in the Calvin & Hobbes comics. I had wanted to go out every day to build more snowmen until they were all up and down the driveway, but the snow hasn’t been the right consistency for snowman building since Friday. I’m waiting….
It snowed so much that EJ had to clear the driveway again today. Not long after he finished clearing the driveway, the snow began to accumulate again. It would be nice to have a plow or riding snowblower to make the job go faster, but this is what we have and we don’t have the money to buy something else right now. Besides, EJ says that it’s actually rather fun to use the snowblower.
We have been frequently sledding down our driveway. When EJ clears the driveway, the sleds speed down it like a luge. Sometimes Danny chases after me. A few times, EJ and I have gone sledding at night. That is really an exciting adventure because we can’t exactly see where we are going.
I haven’t been able to upload videos to YouTube for at least a month, but today I suddenly could so I uploaded quite a few. My Facebook friends have seen most of my videos because although I couldn’t upload them to YouTube, I was able to upload them to Facebook. I will share a few of them here, though, for those of you who are not friends with me at Facebook. Hopefully you aren’t groaning, “Oh, no, not another video!” If you’d like to see even more, I think you can see others at my YouTube channel by clicking here. If that doesn’t work, I suppose you could just subscribe to my channel or something. I’m not sure how that works.
This first video was taken on January 12th. It shows how heavy it snows here at times. It’s really quite amazing. I know a lot of people hate the snow, but we really enjoy it. As EJ said the other day, “We live in a Christmas card!” Or a snow globe.
My first time sledding down the hill I used a round saucer which spun me around and around. That is really fun in a crazy sort of way. We also had a longer sled which EJ used the first time he went down the hill. He prefers a long sled. We have since bought two more longer sleds so we can all have one if we choose. The long sleds don’t spin out of control like the saucer does. With more experience, I’ve learned how to steer the long sleds even when I’m holding the camera. In this next video, which I recorded today, Danny chased me down the hill which made me laugh. EJ had just cleared the driveway so I went down fast. In fact, he was still working on clearing the driveway when I sledded down. He was around the curve past where I stopped.
I go sledding at least once each day when I go get the mail. EJ joins me whenever he can, and JJ has sledded a couple of times. He’s not into outdoor stuff much and he’s busy with work, school, and the girlfriend. He did go sledding with us today, however. We all three went together. I let EJ and JJ go first because I wanted to film them going down the hill as I sledded after them. However, they went into snow drifts and I quickly passed them. I really was hoping that I wouldn’t because I wanted to video them, but I yelled, “I win!” anyway. Shortly afterwards, EJ had to go to work and JJ went back into the house. I ended up sledding down the hill about 7 times today. I would have liked to go down even more times but it’s really tiring walking back up the hill. For some reason, it’s actually less tiring to walk down and up the driveway than it is to sled down and walk back up. But…I figure it’s good exercise.
EJ has several pairs of snowshoes, so as soon as he gets them ready, we will go snow-shoeing in our forest. I think that would be awesome. EJ has wanted to ski on our property, but I’m not sure we’d be able to keep upright–and I wouldn’t want EJ to further injure his already injured back.
The next video I’m sharing was taken on January 4th. It shows one of several Pileated Woodpeckers who live in our forest. Pileated Woodpeckers are one of the biggest types of woodpeckers (if not the biggest). They are about the size of crows. They are awesome. We only caught glimpses of them during the summer, but after we put out the suet, they began to visit it frequently so we get to enjoy watching them. We also have seen many Red-bellied Woodpeckers, Downy Woodpeckers, and Hairy Woodpeckers at our feeders in addition to the chickadees, finches, cardinals, and other birds. The chickadees now let me get quite close to them before flying away when I go refill the feeders each day.
We are expecting even more snow through the evening. We live in one of the snowier areas of Michigan. I really, really love living in Northern Michigan.
A Walk Through the Woods On a Snowy Afternoon
I do not think we got as much snow last night as the meteorologists predicted, although we did get a lot of snow.
The meteorologists said that the snow would stop and then we’d get lake effect snow for the next few days. I asked EJ what the difference was between the two. I knew that moisture from the Great Lakes is picked up and dumped on areas near the coast, but wasn’t quite clear on why the meteorologists made such a distinction between the two. EJ explained that the main difference between lake effect snow and a regular snow storm is that lake effect snow storms are not low pressure system storms. As a cold, dry air mass moves over the Great Lakes regions, the air picks up lots of moisture from the Great Lakes and dumps in over areas surrounding the lakes.
We now live in an area that gets a lot of lake effect snow.
Today it snowed and snowed and snowed and snowed. I have never before seen such snow. Sometimes the snow came down so heavily that we could barely see the trees surrounding our home. I took a video of the falling snow, and then it began to snow more heavily so I took another video, and then it snowed even more heavily. It was beautiful and awesome.
(I would share my videos with you but I can’t seem to upload videos to YouTube or similar sites, which is frustrating. JJ says it’s because of our internet connection. Our ISP says that we have the best connection they can give us right now, although they are working on improving it. Sigh. Maybe I should get a I Love to Go A Gardening Facebook page since I am able to upload videos there.)
The falling snow was very beautiful and I kept going outside to take pictures and videos. I took Danny for a walk to the mailbox and then later, when the snow was falling especially hard, I talked JJ into taking a short walk through our forest. Although he loves the beauty of our new home and it’s surroundings, he’s not exactly a huge fan of nature walks. This is only the second time he’s walked with me through the forest.
It was very pretty and the snow was sometimes so deep that it went almost up to our knees. We heard the distinct sound of a Pileated Woodpecker. We spotted two of them in the trees above us. We’ve never seen two at once before. They are such amazing birds.
While JJ and I walked through the forest, EJ cleared the snow off the Suburban.
There were reports that the heavy snow, blowing wind, low visibility, and slippery roads were making driving hazardous. JJ struggled with whether or not to try to drive in to work. He gets a point against him if he doesn’t go to work when he is scheduled–and six points gets him fired. But at last he decided that as inexperienced as he is, it was too dangerous. When he called in, the HR director told him that because of the bad weather, he would not get points counted against him. He was really relieved.
EJ went to work, but he has years of experience driving. He texted me when he got to work that it was quite tricky in a few places. I’ll be glad when he is home tonight.
Snow Adventures
It’s been snowing off and on for three days. We have a lot of snow now and will be getting more: Another snowstorm is headed our way. Winter has finally arrived.
JJ had quite a day yesterday. On his way to work, as I wrote yesterday, he slid into a ditch. He said later that he thought he had handled it well: When he felt himself sliding toward an intersection, he chose to steer into a snowbank rather than slide into the busy main road and risk getting hit. We agreed that he had done well. He also is aware of his many blessings: He slid into the snowbank right in front of a state policeman, who stopped and stayed with him until EJ arrived to pull him out. JJ could have gotten an expensive ticket for “failure to have control of his car” but the trooper didn’t give him one. Also, a current proof of insurance card was not in his vehicle (oops), which could have gotten him another ticket but, again, the trooper didn’t give him one. When EJ arrived, the trooper told him that he could tell that JJ wasn’t driving carelessly. EJ commented that JJ is not a reckless driver and he’s a good kid.
Anyway, in the evening we got a text from JJ telling us that he needed rescuing again for the second time that day. After work he went out to start the Buggy and it was totally dead. So EJ and I jumped in the Sub and drove to him. We found that JJ had accidentally left the headlights on again. He thought he had shut them off, but hadn’t shut them completely off before he went in to work. EJ tried to jumpstart the Buggy, but it was dead, dead, dead. Apparently it didn’t like having been left on two times in a week–and in the cold.
The weather was very blizzardy last night, with heavy snow and blowing wind. It was interesting watching the wind blow the snow off the stores’ roofs. The temperature was about 20, which isn’t that bad for winter, but the windchill made it feel brutally cold. The cold made my face and hands sting. I’ve been cold for several days now. I would barely get myself warm by holding and drinking hot cups of coffee or apple spice tea before Danny wanted outside, or I joined EJ as he worked on the mailbox, or Danny wanted outside, or EJ and I drove to rescue JJ, or Danny wanted outside, and Danny wants outside again. Brrrr. I’m beginning to growl at Danny when he asks to go out. “Are you SERIOUS?? You want to go out AGAIN! GRRRRR!” I don’t particularly like cold but I like heat and humidity much, much, much less. It’s easier to deal with cold–just put on more clothes, a blanket, or drink hot coffee or tea–than it is to deal with sweltering heat. Sweltering heat makes me feel like a snowman melting in the sun.
Ok, back to my story. Sitting in the car last night while EJ and JJ tried to start the buggy, I was so cold that I actually trembled. But it was beautifully exciting watching the snow pour down and swirl in the wind. Still…it wasn’t good weather in which to work on a vehicle so we left the buggy in the parking lot and headed home with the snow rushing toward our windshield like stars at warp speed.
We had to get the Buggy running this morning because JJ had to get to his college class by 1 p.m. and then head to work. JJ had offered to buy a new battery so as soon as we could we all jumped in the Sub and drove to store where JJ bought the new battery. Then we headed to the parking lot at JJ’s work where the Buggy was waiting. EJ taught JJ how to replace the battery while I stayed in the Sub with the heat on and a blanket on my lap. After the new battery was in, the Buggy started right up and JJ went on to school…and later to work.
The drive in a snow-covered world was beautiful. EJ said that we live in a place that looks like Christmas cards…and I totally agree. I took lots of pictures as we drove along. After we parted from JJ this morning, EJ took me out for lunch. We drove along the coast and saw great chunks of ice in the lake. It was very cool. Ha, ha, pun intended.
I had meant to ask EJ to stop at the entrance to our driveway so I could get the mail, but we were both so entranced by the snowy beauty of the scenery around us that I forgot. So after we got up to the house, I let Danny out and grabbed a sled to slide down the driveway to the mailbox. I figured I might as well go while I was already outside and cold. The deep snow hindered the sled from traveling fast, and a lot of snow fell into the sled and down into my clothes and boots. I gave up a little more than half way down and walked the rest of the way down. The walk up was more of an effort and I huffed and puffed all the way with Danny trotting along beside me, stopping now and then to chew the snow out of the pads of his feet. If I thought he’d actually wear them, I’d get him little dog boots.
Another snow storm is moving in. Forecasts vary a little about the amounts–some saying as much as 15 inches through Wednesday–but they all agree that we are going to get tons of snow and that at times it will exceed an inch an hour. We also will get very cold temperatures and wind. The weather forecasters said that the roads could be impossible tomorrow. I texted the weather report to EJ at work and he replied, “Ha! Impossible, eh? CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!” I worry about both of my guys driving home in bad weather, but I worry more about JJ because he is inexperienced.
However, at least JJ made it home tonight with no difficulties.
A Very Snowy Day
It’s been an eventful few days.
On Friday JJ restarted college. He had had to drop out during his first semester in 2013 when he was diagnosed with cancer. He said he really enjoyed his teacher and his class–even though he dislikes math–and that it’s really good to be back in school. After school he went right to work. With his job, college, and his new girlfriend, life is exciting and he is developing a new confidence.
While JJ was having an exciting first day of college, I went with EJ to the dentist. EJ had been struggling with a bad toothache. We’ve really disliked our last couple of dentists but EJ said that he really likes this dentist and that he had the best dental experience he’s ever had. He has to have a root canal, which he scheduled for the end of this month. It’s much less expensive than what the dentist downstate wanted to charge.
Yesterday EJ’s friend came to visit, bringing boards for the bookshelves for our library. He lives on the other coast of Northern Michigan. This is the first time he’s been able to visit. It was really fun to show him our new home. All our family and friends say we look so much less stressed and happier than we did before we moved here.
Northern Michigan usually gets a lot of snow, and everyone tells us that our area of Northern Michigan gets particularly dumped on. This winter has been very mild because of El Nino. However, yesterday evening a storm moved in and we have gotten a lot of snow. Last night when EJ and I took Danny outside for the last time, we walked down to the bottom of the driveway. It was snowing so hard that I could feel the snow falling into the collar of my coat, the brim of EJ’s cowboy-ish hat filled up with snow, and Danny was all covered with snow. It continued all night long and throughout the day. Many times it snowed so hard that it looked like fog and sometimes the wind swirls it around in snow-nadoes.
Lately Danny has asked to go outside as soon as I get up in the morning. I took him outside and it was so beautiful with all the snow. Our Enchanted Forest is very beautiful in the winter. I took the opportunity to put new suet in one of the feeders. It didn’t take long, but by the time I finished my hands were aching with cold.
JJ had to leave for work at mid-morning. We got a call a short time later that he was in a ditch. He has never driven in snow like this before and there are some pretty steep hills between us and his workplace. A policeman saw him slide into the ditch and stayed with him until EJ arrived to pull him out. Then JJ continued on to work and texted that he had made it safely. Getting home will be another adventure. We are expecting more snow and the wind will pick up, causing poor visibility and snow drifts to contend with. JJ will definitely gain experiencing with driving in bad weather up here.
EJ fell asleep in his chair this afternoon, but when he woke, he drove down to the mailbox to put up a reflector so the snowplows can see it. When our neighbor, M. had plowed his own driveway across the road from us, he came over and also plowed by our mailbox so the snowplows wouldn’t push snow against it and knock it down. M. is the only neighbor we have really met. Our property is secluded so we don’t see most of our neighbors, and the house bordering our property is a vacation property. That neighbor only comes up occasionally during the summer.
I walked down the drive way…for the exercise…to join EJ at the mailbox. I helped him find nails that he dropped and held a board for him to nailed to the post to deflect snow. It was very beautiful outside. It was 19 degrees, which isn’t that cold, but it felt much colder–probably because of the wind. Even with thick gloves on my fingers got cold quickly.
But I’d rather be cold than hot.
Of Tears and Laughter
Today I am going to risk the possibility of stepping on a few toes. I do not intend to offend, and I will try to write with compassion and understanding, but this is a topic that I have thought about (and even struggled with) for years and I think it’s important.
It is about how we response to the sorrows and joys, the tears and laughter of others. I think that often we get our responses mixed up and end up hurting more than helping. That’s understandable because it’s not easy to know what to do. However, we can try to learn, even if we are awkward at it.
I will address the first one briefly and the second one in more detail.
Sorrow and Tears
I think that when people we love are in dark places of sorrow and tears, it makes us feel uncomfortable because we don’t know what to do and say, and we care and want to help, so we try to fix their problems or cheer them up and we end up not helping at all.
Most people were awesome when JJ had cancer. However, a couple people told me not to be afraid, and never to let JJ see me cry, and to have faith. I think fear and tears are a normal–and healthy–response when something traumatic happens and our lives are turned upside down, especially at first. It takes a bit to recover our breath and continue on when the news is bad. It is not indicative of a lack of faith. When JJ was a child and his beloved cat or hamster died, he would say to me, “I feel really sad.” I never told him not to be sad. I always said, “Losing your pet is a very sad thing. It’s normal to feel sad. So go ahead and be sad.” And he would be sad for a bit and grieve the lost of his pet, and then after a while he would be ok.
I had a lot of awesome friends who encouraged me when JJ had cancer, but the most awesomeness was a friend who never told me what to feel. When I cried, she was there–and cried with me. She was almost as anxious about the results of JJ medical treatments and tests as EJ and I were. When I could find humor in a situation, she did too and we laughed together. I have told her how much I appreciated this and she said, “You would do the same for me.” I said, “Well, I would try….” because I think she has a special gift of being there and knowing what to do that I haven’t yet learned. She might not realize it, but she is my example of how to help others through suffering, and I am trying to learn to be more like her in this.
A video that I think is very helpful is this one about the difference between empathy and sympathy and how to help those who suffer. Don’t worry, it’s short and rather cute.
Joys and Laughter
There are a lot of articles about how to help someone who is suffering. However, I think most of us don’t consider how important our response is when another person is experiencing joy and laughter. I think our response to others’ joys is almost as important as our response to others’ suffering.
I want to start out by saying that one of the things I have observed about my childhood is how little each of us kids were celebrated. We heard other siblings or people being praised or celebrated, but not often ourselves. The result of this is that envy took root and grew: We thirsted for what others were receiving that we weren’t and our envy often made it difficult for us to be happy for others.
This included me. However, over the years, little by little, God has taught me important lessons about envy, and entering into the joy of others, and the effect it has on others when we don’t, and I think these things are very important so I wanted to share them. They aren’t in any particular chronological order.
1. I once was envious of a friend who was constantly praised by another friend (I think the second friend was actually trying to cause envy–it’s called triangulation–but that’s another story). Then we got to talking and I found out that she was envious of me, which completely surprised me. We laughed about her envying me and me envying her, but I really pondered that while we are envying the lives of others, they might be envying our lives. It taught me to stop being envious of others and to appreciate my own life more.
2. I once found myself envious of a friend who rapidly advanced in a company in which she made more than $100,000 annually while we were struggling financially. I thought, “Why do other people have so much when we always have to struggle!” Then I remembered that my friend had had a lot of suffering in her life. She had once told me that at one time she had been so poor she couldn’t even afford to buy the basics…like toilet paper. I have never been that poor. Was I really begrudging her a time of blessing and plenty when she had suffered so much abuse and poverty??
This taught me that we all go through seasons of scarcity and plenty in our lives. We don’t always know every chapter in the lives of others. The abundance that they are now enjoying might have been preceded by a time of great suffering and poverty–or it might be strengthening them for suffering soon to come. So I began to work to cultivate a spirit of genuine gladness whenever a person was experiencing goodness in their lives.
3. I used to work with a woman who knew how to “rejoice with those who rejoice” in a way that I had never seen before or since. She was genuinely happy for others and asked them questions that allowed them to express their happiness. For example, I remember one co-worker was planning a vacation to Hawaii. The woman asked “When are you leaving? How long will you be gone? Where are you staying? What sights do you plan to see?” There were no comments like “Things like that never happen to me” or “I wish I could go to Hawaii” or “Man, why can’t I have something like that happen to me?” She was excited about everything they planned to do. She never said anything that diminished their joy. In fact, this woman caused the joy of others to increase. I decided that I would try to be more like her.
4. I wrote a few paragraphs earlier that my siblings and I were not celebrated so we became envious of others. I have one sister, in particular, who was very jealous of me because she felt that I had always been more loved then she was. (There is a dynamic in Narcissistic abuse in which there are favored and unfavored children. In reality none is truly loved and all suffer damage.) I am quite sure she was also jealous of everyone’s good fortune. It didn’t matter how big or little the good thing was, her envy sucked the joy out of every happiness. She often said things to me like, “Nothing good ever happens to me…You always have been God’s favorite. He gives you all sorts of good things and gives me nothing.”
Several years ago EJ and I realized that we were forgetting how to have fun or laugh. For many years EJ worked 12-16 hour shifts–or more–seven days a week for months without a day off. His company was awful, often firing people without warning for the smallest offences. After EJ left the company last March, a co-worker was seriously hurt, but the company refused to allow an ambulance to be called, instead ordering another employee to drive the injured man to the hospital. (After this incident, the company was investigated by OSHA.) EJ told me that often when someone was injured at work and in the hospital, barely coherent from medication, someone from the company would bring papers for him/her to sign saying that they would accept a bit of money and not sue the company. EJ was an encourager at work, lifting the spirits of his co-workers–especially after one of his work friends committed suicide. When EJ left for his new job, his leaving triggered an exodus. Many, many employees quit every month. He asked one former co-worker how many had left, and the co-worker said that all he knew is that in one month, about 30 employees walked off the job. That’s just ONE month.
Anyway, back to my story. Several years ago, EJ was so exhausted from working so much without a break in a difficult job that he almost had a breakdown. So we bought a used RV and we went to a beautiful campground (in Northern Michigan!) so he could rest. JJ and I also needed the break because with EJ working so much, we didn’t get a chance to do many fun things. We did little things, but sometimes we only had one vehicle so we couldn’t get away. When I happily told my sister that we had bought a used RV and were going camping, rather than be glad that we could enjoy some much-needed time away, she again diminished my joy with her envy. “WE never go on vacations,” she said resentfully, as if there was something wrong with our having something good in our lives. For goodness’ sakes, did she resent our rare vacation when they had their own private vacation spot to enjoy every day? Her mother-in-law had sold her son–my sister’s husband–the wonderful 40-acre farm he had grown up on at a very reduced price. It had fields and forests and a beautiful little pond on it. They had a picnic area near the pond and a wonderful little paddle-boat. My sister was like a miserable old miser who disregarded the piles of gold she had and resented anyone having any coin that she didn’t. I certainly didn’t want to become like my sister.
I had never prayed for God to deliver us from trouble but instead I’ve always prayed for Him to give us strength and faith and growth through suffering. However, I knew how weary we were becoming. JJ’s battle with cancer was sort of the final straw that totally broke our remaining strength. Afterwards, we were absolutely emotionally and physically exhausted. Even then, we would have tried to persevere, but when I saw how EJ’s company was destroying his health, I finally said, “I can bear no more.” I begged God to move us to a new area with a fresh start, crying that I didn’t know how much more I could endure. And immediately, things started to happen.
I don’t know at what point to include a little about the damaging effects of emotional abuse. Other bloggers are able to articulate it better, I think. But I can say that trauma victims–of every sort–often struggle with feelings of hopelessness, guilt, sadness, depression, anxiety, indecision, and self-hatred, with their identity, and with PTSD symptoms. Cancer survivors and their caretakers can also suffer from many of these things as well, and caretakers suffer from the exhaustion of burnout. I told EJ a few days ago that I feel as if I am filled up and overflowing with tears and sadness and weariness from years of struggle and heartache and abuse.
Up here, in the North, away from my emotionally abusive family, away from EJ’s abusive company, away from the difficulties JJ has struggled with, away from many, many struggles, we have an opportunity to breath, to heal, to recover, to restore our emotional, physical and spiritual strength. But it takes time. I’ve read that emotional abuse takes a very, very long time to recover from because it causes so much damage.
I have not described these things in order to elicit sympathy, I have a point to make. I want you to understand that our lives have not been one wonderful, happy, frivolous thing after another with nary a sorrow. I’ve told EJ several times that there is no way we could ever describe to anyone the difficulties and heartache we have endured. He agrees. I only mention comments here or there in posts now and then but it would take a thick book to describe the things we have experienced–and even then I couldn’t really describe it.
EJ and I have always, all our lives, trusted God, and counted our blessings, and found pleasure in small common things, which we actually think are wondrous and miraculous–like geese flying overhead, or intricate spiderwebs, or stars in the sky, or glittering snow, or the glimpse of a deer. It comes naturally to us, usually.
And, yet, finding pleasure and wonder in small things are not just little pleasant, trivial experiences. They are powerful weapons. Abuse and PTSD sites teach about the importance of learning to live in “mindfulness.” Mindfulness, as I understand it, is about not letting thoughts get lost in memories of trauma, or in sadness, or in anxiety about the future, but to learn to focus on Now–by counting blessings, enjoying the beauty around us, having fun and laughing. These things are lights that drive out the darkness. I told EJ that each time I count my blessings, each time I look out at my beautiful surroundings, each time I see wildlife on our property, each time I see beautiful birds at the feeders, each time I sled down the hill and laugh all the way, each time I see how happy EJ is, each time I see how JJ is thriving, each time Danny looks up at me and grins or the cats cuddle with me, it’s like a drop of sadness trickles away leaving another space for joy.
There are evil people who enjoy causing pain to others. There are envious people who resent the joy of others. And there are ignorant people who don’t understand how their comments can weaken others. (“Ignorant” is not intended as an insult–I mean they really are unaware.) Fighting for recovery (from abuse, illness, depression, or whatever) is a battle. The Bible says that “the joy of the Lord is our strength.” If you dim the joy of others, you weaken the strength they need to fight very difficult battles. Diminishing joy comments make me feel as if I have been punched in the stomach. They make my grasp on joy slip and make it harder to fight the sadness of trauma. It’s almost as if I then have to keep telling myself that it’s ok to enjoy blessings and feel joy and to laugh.
Diminishing joy comments can include statements like “Good things never happen to me….” “WE never get to do that…” or even “I’m glad you are experiencing blessings but there are many people who don’t have such blessings.” I don’t even know what that last statement is intended to convey. Is it meant to make a person feel guilty for having blessings? Are we supposed to not be happy because somewhere someone is sad? Does it express the belief that in being happy, we are ignoring all those who are suffering?
Believe me, I am very aware of the suffering of others and I don’t need reminders that it exists. As a very empathetic person, I deeply feel the suffering of EJ, JJ, my friends, or of those I hear about around the world and it breaks my heart. Often the suffering of others is more difficult for me to bear than my own suffering. Because of all this suffering in the world, sometimes I have to step back from it or it will overwhelm me with sadness. I–we–NEED to have moments when we can set aside the sorrow and be glad. I like what a Jewish sage wrote. I can’t remember his name or the exact comment but he said that we sin if we see only the pain and sorrow in the world and can’t see the beauty and joy in it. Our ability to count our blessings does not mean that we are ignoring others’ suffering. Despite suffering, 1 Timothy 6:17 says that God has given us “richly all things to enjoy” He surely knows about the suffering in the world–on a deeper level than any of us–and yet He still commands us to have joy and to enjoy His gifts.
I love what two of my friends wrote at FB after I shared my post in which I counted my joys: “I love that you’re all so happy and content!” and “What a blessing for you all and a joy to hear about!” There were no statements that diminished joy. (In mentioning Diminishing joy comments, I’m not including “pretend” envy. I have a friend who sometimes said, “Oh, I am so jealous you got to see the woodpecker…” or whatever. I don’t think of it as real envy. It’s sort of just another way of saying “That is so cool!” and “I would love to see it too!”)
Another thought: It seems to me that the people groups who have experienced the most sorrow in their history have the most joyful music. I wonder if it’s because they will not survive the sorrow if they can’t ever experience joy. The more sorrow there is, the more joy is needed to fight it? Joy helps us get through the difficult times. It’s why we have to count blessings. We will drown in sadness if we can’t ever release it.
We all have times of joy and sorrow, laughter and tears. They come and go like the seasons. We need to have periods when we can let the burdens of sorrow drop from us and soak in beauty, laugh, dance, sing, and be silly. Times of joy are like benches to rest on along an arduous trail before we continue on. Although we need to be careful to be empathetic, and we must be able to “weep with those who weep” we are also told to “rejoice with those who rejoice.” Some of the ancient Jewish sages taught that “true kindness consists in doing whatever the person with whom you are interacting most needs; thus a depressed person focused only on that which is paining him might desperately need to laugh, and thereby recall that life is not just anguish.” (Read more about the value of laughter at my other blog, I Love To Go A-Wondering.)
God has given EJ, JJ, and me a chance to rest and recover here in our Enchanted Forest. I am thankful that we have this time in which we can relearn how to enjoy life and to laugh again. Counting our blessings and enjoying our new life is a way of recognizing that a loving God gives rest to His people and has brought us to a place of plenty after a time of suffering.
For you, God, have tested us,
refined us as silver is refined.
You brought us into the net
and bound our bodies fast.
You made men ride over our heads;
we went through fire and water.
But you brought us out
to a place of plenty. (Ps. 66:10-12)
So, in case my intended message has gotten lost in this long post, I want to sum up:
- EVERYONE experiences seasons of joy and sorrow in their lives.
- We need to learn not to be envious of those who are experiencing blessings in their life. We don’t always know every chapter of their life’s story, and we may have no idea of the suffering they might have just endured or how desperately they need the rest.
- Don’t diminish the joy of others through joy-sucking statements.
- Whether you intend it or not, diminishing the joy of others can steal away the strength they need to fight difficult battles.
- Learn to bless others by sharing in and increasing their joy.
FYI: I disabled comments for this post because it was difficult to write and I don’t want debate. If you believe that the things I’ve written does not apply to your life, then it doesn’t apply. Let it go. If it does apply then be aware of how your comments are affecting those around you and ponder how you are going to start being a person who increases the joy of others rather than decreasing it.
