I Love To Go A Gardening
Growing Our Life in Northern Michigan
Michigan Bucket List
I think I am addicted to sledding.
Whenever EJ snowblows the driveway, the sledding gets better because there is no fluffy snow to slow me down. Last weekend the sledding got faster and faster and faster and by Monday it was so fast that I practically flew down the driveway. I could feel the breeze hitting my face. It was so fun that on Monday I sledded down the driveway seven times. I didn’t bother even trying to video it because it took all my skill to steer the sled around the curves. Once I got out of control and tumbled off the sled, but I just laughed and got back on the sled and continued on my way. EJ held Danny on his leash the last time I went down. He said he thought I must have been going at least 25 mph.
JJ said that I should go to a real sledding place. I said no way. I have an awesome private sledding hill all to myself. I don’t have to wait in line, I don’t have to deal with crowds of people, I can sled whenever I want. Nothing could be more perfect.
Monday night it snowed and it snowed all of Tuesday too. There was too much snow for the sledding to be any good. The snow was wet and heavy–perfect for making snowmen so I made a dozen or so little snowmen along the driveway when I took Danny outside in the morning. I also made a cat snowman. Then I came inside to rest.
Not long after I came inside, the turkeys showed up. Last week one lone turkey came to eat the seeds that had fallen from the birdfeeders. A few days later, EJ counted eleven turkeys at the feeders. Yesterday about two dozen turkeys arrived. It appears the word that there is free food is spreading. I’m kind of wondering how many will show up next time.
After about an hour, JJ had to leave for work, and I wondered how the turkeys would react to him going outside. Would they fly/run away in a panic? I began videoing the turkeys as JJ went outside. They quickly–but not in a panic–ran into the edge of the forest. A couple of them stood guard watching JJ. As he drove down the driveway–before he was even out of sight–they began to return.
The turkeys stayed for 2 1/2 hours. After they finally left, I went back outside and built more snowmen. I built a bunch more little snowmen and three large ones. However, my greatest achievement was the Dalek snowman.
For the Dalek body, I filled a trash can with snow, packed it down, and tipped it out. I used a shovel to give the body its shape. I used a muffin pan to make the round mounds to attach to the body. I used a small plunger and a whisk for the “hands” and a small section of a birdfeeder pole (which I haven’t put out because I can’t find all the pieces) for the head attachment. I put it at the top of the driveway to surprise EJ and JJ when they came home. Then I waited.
By the time I finished making the snowmen, I was tired and dripping with sweat. Making snowmen is hard work–but good exercise.
EJ came into the house laughing and telling me how great I did with the Dalek. He said he didn’t see it until he backed into his parking spot in front of the garage and his headlights shone on it.
I fixed him supper and then he went outside to snowblow the driveway. We had had at least 7 inches of snow. It was completely dark by the time he started clearing the driveway. He asked if I’d come out and check on him now and then, but I pretty much stayed outside with him until he finished, with only brief forays into the house to get a drink or use the bathroom. It was warm enough that it was pleasant to be outside. A few times I took Danny outside so he could use his “facilities” and/or walk with me down the driveway. It was snowing and everything was snow-covered and beautiful in the night. Once I looked up and saw stars in the sky, but it was still snowing rather hard, which I thought was unique.
EJ had most of the driveway cleared when JJ arrived home. I was near the bottom of the driveway, just a little ahead of EJ’s snowblower. JJ paused to talk to his Dad so I hurried up the driveway. When JJ had driven up the driveway, parked the Buggy, and gotten out, I had my flashlight shining on the dalek. I didn’t want JJ to miss it. He saw it and started exclaiming, “Oh, that is so AWESOME!” He took a picture of it and sent it to his girlfriend.
When EJ had cleared the driveway and was working on clearing his turnaround place up near the house, I grabbed my sled. EJ laughed at me and said he was just about ready to text me that the driveway was ready for sledding. I went down twice. I went really fast, so fast that it was difficult to see where the curves were in the dark, but I made the turns well, and went further than I ever had before. It was fun!
This morning I was so tired and sore from building snowmen and sledding down the hill. But it was so much fun.
This morning the snow-covered landscape was breathtakingly beautiful. As I looked out the window and drank it all in, I said to EJ, “If I lived in a place like this, I would never leave.” Then I laughed. “Of course, I DO live here and I never want to leave.”
Tonight we are supposed to get more snow. And the wind is going to start blowing and cause drifts and reduced visibilities. When I sledded down to the mailbox this afternoon it was getting breezy. I am glad that EJ and JJ will be home before the weather worsens.
I’m been thinking that I should make a Michigan Bucket List of all the things I want to explore and do in Northern Michigan. I wouldn’t put anything I did long ago in my childhood, but only things that I’ve done since we’ve moved here –or things that I want to do, which I will check off when I do them. I’ve already
- Sailed on a tall ship–and helped hoist the sails
- Went on a large inflatable boat on Grand Traverse Bay
- Gone across the beautiful Mackinac Bridge
- Climbed up Castle Rock
- Eaten pasties in the Upper Peninsula
- Driven through the Tunnel of Trees
- Taken a color tour on beautiful M-22
- Road a ski lift to enjoy the beautiful autumn colors
- Visited two lighthouses
- Stood on the frozen waters of Grand Traverse Bay and Lake Michigan
- Gone sledding down the driveway
- Built snowmen
- Had deer and turkeys wander through out property.
- Enjoyed Pileated Woodpeckers
EJ and I have been talking about taking a polar bear plunge into icy winter waters. We don’t want to do it at a festival when crowds of people are doing it. We’d find a quiet lake nearby (there are many), dive into the icy water, and then quickly drive home. We’d do it just because. I also want to go snowshoeing. I also would like to go parasailing. I was going to do it last summer but we had to work on getting our driveway fixed. Maybe next summer. And there are tons of nature refuges to walk on. I told EJ that we could spend years exploring this area and when we’ve explored it…I want to explore it again. Yup. I will have to make a Michigan Bucket List.
A Winter Date
Several nights ago EJ woke me at about 4 a.m. “I have something to show you. Come look,” he whispered. We quietly sneaked into the living room. There were two deer just outside the window exploring the bird feeders. We tried to be quiet, but they were aware that we were there and after a few minutes they silently disappeared.
Yesterday when I walked up the driveway after having sledded down to get the mail, I noticed turkey tracks in the snow. A short time later, I glanced out the window and saw the turkey eating the seed that had fallen from the bird feeders. He was out there for quite some time, gobbling his fill.
There were also two crows eating the seed on the ground. I wasn’t able to get pictures of them under the feeders but I did get a picture of them sitting in the tree. I like crows. They are very intelligent, interesting birds.
Today EJ and I went on a date.
First, we stopped at the feed store and bought some cat food and some bird seed. We were almost out of cat food and completely out of bird seed. We try not to do much shopping on Saturdays, but EJ’s work hours have changed because of a slowdown in work. He is now working five 8 hour days instead of four 10 hour days–and he has been switched from second shift to day shift. The change in shift makes it harder for us to get errands done. The feed store closes before he gets out of work and isn’t open on Sundays so….today it was.
After we bought the cat and bird food, we went for a drive. Both EJ and my families had often vacationed in Northern Michigan when we were growing up. EJ has often been to Northern Michigan in the winter, but I have only ever been here in the summer so I am interested in experiencing winter here. I’d love to see the Great Lakes icy and frozen. I want to hear ice cracking as it is being created and thawing. I’ve also heard that sometimes the waves freeze and people can walk right out on them! This winter has been too mild for the Great Lakes to freeze, or so I’ve heard, but I still want to see the Lake in the winter.
Today we drove up Old Mission Peninsula, which is a peninsula that divides Grand Traverse Bay into two halves. The Peninsula is filled with vineyards, wineries and orchards. Of course, everything is snowy and bare right now, but winter has its own special sort of beauty. At the tip of Old Mission Peninsula is the pretty Old Mission Lighthouse which was built in 1870. I took pictures of it and then we walked down to the water’s edge. Actually, the water near the shore was frozen, so we actually walked out on the ice for a few feet. Woo hoo! I am walking on the Bay!
We weren’t the only ones at the park. Several people were there snowshoeing. Some were with their dogs and, of course, we gave them lovings. I told EJ that I can’t wait until we can snowshoe too. I have never snowshoed before, but it looks like fun. I’ve always lived in a town and although I built snowmen and snowforts in the winter, I wasn’t all that thrilled with outdoor activities. But up here with our own forest and sledding hill and interesting parks and trails nearby, winter seems more fun and I want to experience more of it.
After we left the Old Mission Peninsula, we drove to Leelanau State Park, which is on the tip of another peninsula between Grand Traverse Bay and Lake Michigan. The Grand Traverse Lighthouse is located there. Again we encountered people snowshoeing. We also saw a 150 year-old Northern White Cedar Tree. It was unlike any cedar tree I had ever seen. We walked passed the lighthouse and out along the shore. Again, there was ice along the shore. Woo hoo! I am standing on Lake Michigan!
We were starving after we left the lighthouses, so we stopped at a restaurant to eat before driving home. When we got home, EJ and I sledded down the driveway to get the mail with Danny running alongside us.
We were so tired when we got back up the hill that we both took naps.
It was a wonderful day.
Snow Fun
Here in the North, we’ve had snowstorms and lake effect snow. It’s been snowing constantly for days–meteorologists say that we’ve gotten 1-4 inches of snow per hour at times. I’m not sure exactly how many inches of snow we’ve gotten. In the unshoveled areas near the house, the snow is at my knees. I told EJ that I would like to make a post to measure the snow. Our property is full of hills and valleys so I think the depth of the snow would depend on where we stand but at least it would give us some idea, more or less.
With the heavy snow, low visibility, and slippery roads, driving conditions have been quite bad and there have been numerous accidents in the area. JJ’s college classes were actually cancelled today because of the weather. He wasn’t scheduled to work today so he got to stay home. EJ had to go to work, but he’s experienced at driving in bad weather.
EJ used the snowblower for the first time on Friday. While he was clearing the driveway, I made four snowmen along the driveway. Three were standing, but I made the fourth one lying down with x’s for his eyes as if he was dead. Hey, I always loved the imaginative snowmen in the Calvin & Hobbes comics. I had wanted to go out every day to build more snowmen until they were all up and down the driveway, but the snow hasn’t been the right consistency for snowman building since Friday. I’m waiting….
It snowed so much that EJ had to clear the driveway again today. Not long after he finished clearing the driveway, the snow began to accumulate again. It would be nice to have a plow or riding snowblower to make the job go faster, but this is what we have and we don’t have the money to buy something else right now. Besides, EJ says that it’s actually rather fun to use the snowblower.
We have been frequently sledding down our driveway. When EJ clears the driveway, the sleds speed down it like a luge. Sometimes Danny chases after me. A few times, EJ and I have gone sledding at night. That is really an exciting adventure because we can’t exactly see where we are going.
I haven’t been able to upload videos to YouTube for at least a month, but today I suddenly could so I uploaded quite a few. My Facebook friends have seen most of my videos because although I couldn’t upload them to YouTube, I was able to upload them to Facebook. I will share a few of them here, though, for those of you who are not friends with me at Facebook. Hopefully you aren’t groaning, “Oh, no, not another video!” If you’d like to see even more, I think you can see others at my YouTube channel by clicking here. If that doesn’t work, I suppose you could just subscribe to my channel or something. I’m not sure how that works.
This first video was taken on January 12th. It shows how heavy it snows here at times. It’s really quite amazing. I know a lot of people hate the snow, but we really enjoy it. As EJ said the other day, “We live in a Christmas card!” Or a snow globe.
My first time sledding down the hill I used a round saucer which spun me around and around. That is really fun in a crazy sort of way. We also had a longer sled which EJ used the first time he went down the hill. He prefers a long sled. We have since bought two more longer sleds so we can all have one if we choose. The long sleds don’t spin out of control like the saucer does. With more experience, I’ve learned how to steer the long sleds even when I’m holding the camera. In this next video, which I recorded today, Danny chased me down the hill which made me laugh. EJ had just cleared the driveway so I went down fast. In fact, he was still working on clearing the driveway when I sledded down. He was around the curve past where I stopped.
I go sledding at least once each day when I go get the mail. EJ joins me whenever he can, and JJ has sledded a couple of times. He’s not into outdoor stuff much and he’s busy with work, school, and the girlfriend. He did go sledding with us today, however. We all three went together. I let EJ and JJ go first because I wanted to film them going down the hill as I sledded after them. However, they went into snow drifts and I quickly passed them. I really was hoping that I wouldn’t because I wanted to video them, but I yelled, “I win!” anyway. Shortly afterwards, EJ had to go to work and JJ went back into the house. I ended up sledding down the hill about 7 times today. I would have liked to go down even more times but it’s really tiring walking back up the hill. For some reason, it’s actually less tiring to walk down and up the driveway than it is to sled down and walk back up. But…I figure it’s good exercise.
EJ has several pairs of snowshoes, so as soon as he gets them ready, we will go snow-shoeing in our forest. I think that would be awesome. EJ has wanted to ski on our property, but I’m not sure we’d be able to keep upright–and I wouldn’t want EJ to further injure his already injured back.
The next video I’m sharing was taken on January 4th. It shows one of several Pileated Woodpeckers who live in our forest. Pileated Woodpeckers are one of the biggest types of woodpeckers (if not the biggest). They are about the size of crows. They are awesome. We only caught glimpses of them during the summer, but after we put out the suet, they began to visit it frequently so we get to enjoy watching them. We also have seen many Red-bellied Woodpeckers, Downy Woodpeckers, and Hairy Woodpeckers at our feeders in addition to the chickadees, finches, cardinals, and other birds. The chickadees now let me get quite close to them before flying away when I go refill the feeders each day.
We are expecting even more snow through the evening. We live in one of the snowier areas of Michigan. I really, really love living in Northern Michigan.
A Walk Through the Woods On a Snowy Afternoon
I do not think we got as much snow last night as the meteorologists predicted, although we did get a lot of snow.
The meteorologists said that the snow would stop and then we’d get lake effect snow for the next few days. I asked EJ what the difference was between the two. I knew that moisture from the Great Lakes is picked up and dumped on areas near the coast, but wasn’t quite clear on why the meteorologists made such a distinction between the two. EJ explained that the main difference between lake effect snow and a regular snow storm is that lake effect snow storms are not low pressure system storms. As a cold, dry air mass moves over the Great Lakes regions, the air picks up lots of moisture from the Great Lakes and dumps in over areas surrounding the lakes.
We now live in an area that gets a lot of lake effect snow.
Today it snowed and snowed and snowed and snowed. I have never before seen such snow. Sometimes the snow came down so heavily that we could barely see the trees surrounding our home. I took a video of the falling snow, and then it began to snow more heavily so I took another video, and then it snowed even more heavily. It was beautiful and awesome.
(I would share my videos with you but I can’t seem to upload videos to YouTube or similar sites, which is frustrating. JJ says it’s because of our internet connection. Our ISP says that we have the best connection they can give us right now, although they are working on improving it. Sigh. Maybe I should get a I Love to Go A Gardening Facebook page since I am able to upload videos there.)
The falling snow was very beautiful and I kept going outside to take pictures and videos. I took Danny for a walk to the mailbox and then later, when the snow was falling especially hard, I talked JJ into taking a short walk through our forest. Although he loves the beauty of our new home and it’s surroundings, he’s not exactly a huge fan of nature walks. This is only the second time he’s walked with me through the forest.
It was very pretty and the snow was sometimes so deep that it went almost up to our knees. We heard the distinct sound of a Pileated Woodpecker. We spotted two of them in the trees above us. We’ve never seen two at once before. They are such amazing birds.
While JJ and I walked through the forest, EJ cleared the snow off the Suburban.
There were reports that the heavy snow, blowing wind, low visibility, and slippery roads were making driving hazardous. JJ struggled with whether or not to try to drive in to work. He gets a point against him if he doesn’t go to work when he is scheduled–and six points gets him fired. But at last he decided that as inexperienced as he is, it was too dangerous. When he called in, the HR director told him that because of the bad weather, he would not get points counted against him. He was really relieved.
EJ went to work, but he has years of experience driving. He texted me when he got to work that it was quite tricky in a few places. I’ll be glad when he is home tonight.
Snow Adventures
It’s been snowing off and on for three days. We have a lot of snow now and will be getting more: Another snowstorm is headed our way. Winter has finally arrived.
JJ had quite a day yesterday. On his way to work, as I wrote yesterday, he slid into a ditch. He said later that he thought he had handled it well: When he felt himself sliding toward an intersection, he chose to steer into a snowbank rather than slide into the busy main road and risk getting hit. We agreed that he had done well. He also is aware of his many blessings: He slid into the snowbank right in front of a state policeman, who stopped and stayed with him until EJ arrived to pull him out. JJ could have gotten an expensive ticket for “failure to have control of his car” but the trooper didn’t give him one. Also, a current proof of insurance card was not in his vehicle (oops), which could have gotten him another ticket but, again, the trooper didn’t give him one. When EJ arrived, the trooper told him that he could tell that JJ wasn’t driving carelessly. EJ commented that JJ is not a reckless driver and he’s a good kid.
Anyway, in the evening we got a text from JJ telling us that he needed rescuing again for the second time that day. After work he went out to start the Buggy and it was totally dead. So EJ and I jumped in the Sub and drove to him. We found that JJ had accidentally left the headlights on again. He thought he had shut them off, but hadn’t shut them completely off before he went in to work. EJ tried to jumpstart the Buggy, but it was dead, dead, dead. Apparently it didn’t like having been left on two times in a week–and in the cold.
The weather was very blizzardy last night, with heavy snow and blowing wind. It was interesting watching the wind blow the snow off the stores’ roofs. The temperature was about 20, which isn’t that bad for winter, but the windchill made it feel brutally cold. The cold made my face and hands sting. I’ve been cold for several days now. I would barely get myself warm by holding and drinking hot cups of coffee or apple spice tea before Danny wanted outside, or I joined EJ as he worked on the mailbox, or Danny wanted outside, or EJ and I drove to rescue JJ, or Danny wanted outside, and Danny wants outside again. Brrrr. I’m beginning to growl at Danny when he asks to go out. “Are you SERIOUS?? You want to go out AGAIN! GRRRRR!” I don’t particularly like cold but I like heat and humidity much, much, much less. It’s easier to deal with cold–just put on more clothes, a blanket, or drink hot coffee or tea–than it is to deal with sweltering heat. Sweltering heat makes me feel like a snowman melting in the sun.
Ok, back to my story. Sitting in the car last night while EJ and JJ tried to start the buggy, I was so cold that I actually trembled. But it was beautifully exciting watching the snow pour down and swirl in the wind. Still…it wasn’t good weather in which to work on a vehicle so we left the buggy in the parking lot and headed home with the snow rushing toward our windshield like stars at warp speed.
We had to get the Buggy running this morning because JJ had to get to his college class by 1 p.m. and then head to work. JJ had offered to buy a new battery so as soon as we could we all jumped in the Sub and drove to store where JJ bought the new battery. Then we headed to the parking lot at JJ’s work where the Buggy was waiting. EJ taught JJ how to replace the battery while I stayed in the Sub with the heat on and a blanket on my lap. After the new battery was in, the Buggy started right up and JJ went on to school…and later to work.
The drive in a snow-covered world was beautiful. EJ said that we live in a place that looks like Christmas cards…and I totally agree. I took lots of pictures as we drove along. After we parted from JJ this morning, EJ took me out for lunch. We drove along the coast and saw great chunks of ice in the lake. It was very cool. Ha, ha, pun intended.
I had meant to ask EJ to stop at the entrance to our driveway so I could get the mail, but we were both so entranced by the snowy beauty of the scenery around us that I forgot. So after we got up to the house, I let Danny out and grabbed a sled to slide down the driveway to the mailbox. I figured I might as well go while I was already outside and cold. The deep snow hindered the sled from traveling fast, and a lot of snow fell into the sled and down into my clothes and boots. I gave up a little more than half way down and walked the rest of the way down. The walk up was more of an effort and I huffed and puffed all the way with Danny trotting along beside me, stopping now and then to chew the snow out of the pads of his feet. If I thought he’d actually wear them, I’d get him little dog boots.
Another snow storm is moving in. Forecasts vary a little about the amounts–some saying as much as 15 inches through Wednesday–but they all agree that we are going to get tons of snow and that at times it will exceed an inch an hour. We also will get very cold temperatures and wind. The weather forecasters said that the roads could be impossible tomorrow. I texted the weather report to EJ at work and he replied, “Ha! Impossible, eh? CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!” I worry about both of my guys driving home in bad weather, but I worry more about JJ because he is inexperienced.
However, at least JJ made it home tonight with no difficulties.
A Very Snowy Day
It’s been an eventful few days.
On Friday JJ restarted college. He had had to drop out during his first semester in 2013 when he was diagnosed with cancer. He said he really enjoyed his teacher and his class–even though he dislikes math–and that it’s really good to be back in school. After school he went right to work. With his job, college, and his new girlfriend, life is exciting and he is developing a new confidence.
While JJ was having an exciting first day of college, I went with EJ to the dentist. EJ had been struggling with a bad toothache. We’ve really disliked our last couple of dentists but EJ said that he really likes this dentist and that he had the best dental experience he’s ever had. He has to have a root canal, which he scheduled for the end of this month. It’s much less expensive than what the dentist downstate wanted to charge.
Yesterday EJ’s friend came to visit, bringing boards for the bookshelves for our library. He lives on the other coast of Northern Michigan. This is the first time he’s been able to visit. It was really fun to show him our new home. All our family and friends say we look so much less stressed and happier than we did before we moved here.
Northern Michigan usually gets a lot of snow, and everyone tells us that our area of Northern Michigan gets particularly dumped on. This winter has been very mild because of El Nino. However, yesterday evening a storm moved in and we have gotten a lot of snow. Last night when EJ and I took Danny outside for the last time, we walked down to the bottom of the driveway. It was snowing so hard that I could feel the snow falling into the collar of my coat, the brim of EJ’s cowboy-ish hat filled up with snow, and Danny was all covered with snow. It continued all night long and throughout the day. Many times it snowed so hard that it looked like fog and sometimes the wind swirls it around in snow-nadoes.
Lately Danny has asked to go outside as soon as I get up in the morning. I took him outside and it was so beautiful with all the snow. Our Enchanted Forest is very beautiful in the winter. I took the opportunity to put new suet in one of the feeders. It didn’t take long, but by the time I finished my hands were aching with cold.
JJ had to leave for work at mid-morning. We got a call a short time later that he was in a ditch. He has never driven in snow like this before and there are some pretty steep hills between us and his workplace. A policeman saw him slide into the ditch and stayed with him until EJ arrived to pull him out. Then JJ continued on to work and texted that he had made it safely. Getting home will be another adventure. We are expecting more snow and the wind will pick up, causing poor visibility and snow drifts to contend with. JJ will definitely gain experiencing with driving in bad weather up here.
EJ fell asleep in his chair this afternoon, but when he woke, he drove down to the mailbox to put up a reflector so the snowplows can see it. When our neighbor, M. had plowed his own driveway across the road from us, he came over and also plowed by our mailbox so the snowplows wouldn’t push snow against it and knock it down. M. is the only neighbor we have really met. Our property is secluded so we don’t see most of our neighbors, and the house bordering our property is a vacation property. That neighbor only comes up occasionally during the summer.
I walked down the drive way…for the exercise…to join EJ at the mailbox. I helped him find nails that he dropped and held a board for him to nailed to the post to deflect snow. It was very beautiful outside. It was 19 degrees, which isn’t that cold, but it felt much colder–probably because of the wind. Even with thick gloves on my fingers got cold quickly.
But I’d rather be cold than hot.
Of Tears and Laughter
Today I am going to risk the possibility of stepping on a few toes. I do not intend to offend, and I will try to write with compassion and understanding, but this is a topic that I have thought about (and even struggled with) for years and I think it’s important.
It is about how we response to the sorrows and joys, the tears and laughter of others. I think that often we get our responses mixed up and end up hurting more than helping. That’s understandable because it’s not easy to know what to do. However, we can try to learn, even if we are awkward at it.
I will address the first one briefly and the second one in more detail.
Sorrow and Tears
I think that when people we love are in dark places of sorrow and tears, it makes us feel uncomfortable because we don’t know what to do and say, and we care and want to help, so we try to fix their problems or cheer them up and we end up not helping at all.
Most people were awesome when JJ had cancer. However, a couple people told me not to be afraid, and never to let JJ see me cry, and to have faith. I think fear and tears are a normal–and healthy–response when something traumatic happens and our lives are turned upside down, especially at first. It takes a bit to recover our breath and continue on when the news is bad. It is not indicative of a lack of faith. When JJ was a child and his beloved cat or hamster died, he would say to me, “I feel really sad.” I never told him not to be sad. I always said, “Losing your pet is a very sad thing. It’s normal to feel sad. So go ahead and be sad.” And he would be sad for a bit and grieve the lost of his pet, and then after a while he would be ok.
I had a lot of awesome friends who encouraged me when JJ had cancer, but the most awesomeness was a friend who never told me what to feel. When I cried, she was there–and cried with me. She was almost as anxious about the results of JJ medical treatments and tests as EJ and I were. When I could find humor in a situation, she did too and we laughed together. I have told her how much I appreciated this and she said, “You would do the same for me.” I said, “Well, I would try….” because I think she has a special gift of being there and knowing what to do that I haven’t yet learned. She might not realize it, but she is my example of how to help others through suffering, and I am trying to learn to be more like her in this.
A video that I think is very helpful is this one about the difference between empathy and sympathy and how to help those who suffer. Don’t worry, it’s short and rather cute.
Joys and Laughter
There are a lot of articles about how to help someone who is suffering. However, I think most of us don’t consider how important our response is when another person is experiencing joy and laughter. I think our response to others’ joys is almost as important as our response to others’ suffering.
I want to start out by saying that one of the things I have observed about my childhood is how little each of us kids were celebrated. We heard other siblings or people being praised or celebrated, but not often ourselves. The result of this is that envy took root and grew: We thirsted for what others were receiving that we weren’t and our envy often made it difficult for us to be happy for others.
This included me. However, over the years, little by little, God has taught me important lessons about envy, and entering into the joy of others, and the effect it has on others when we don’t, and I think these things are very important so I wanted to share them. They aren’t in any particular chronological order.
1. I once was envious of a friend who was constantly praised by another friend (I think the second friend was actually trying to cause envy–it’s called triangulation–but that’s another story). Then we got to talking and I found out that she was envious of me, which completely surprised me. We laughed about her envying me and me envying her, but I really pondered that while we are envying the lives of others, they might be envying our lives. It taught me to stop being envious of others and to appreciate my own life more.
2. I once found myself envious of a friend who rapidly advanced in a company in which she made more than $100,000 annually while we were struggling financially. I thought, “Why do other people have so much when we always have to struggle!” Then I remembered that my friend had had a lot of suffering in her life. She had once told me that at one time she had been so poor she couldn’t even afford to buy the basics…like toilet paper. I have never been that poor. Was I really begrudging her a time of blessing and plenty when she had suffered so much abuse and poverty??
This taught me that we all go through seasons of scarcity and plenty in our lives. We don’t always know every chapter in the lives of others. The abundance that they are now enjoying might have been preceded by a time of great suffering and poverty–or it might be strengthening them for suffering soon to come. So I began to work to cultivate a spirit of genuine gladness whenever a person was experiencing goodness in their lives.
3. I used to work with a woman who knew how to “rejoice with those who rejoice” in a way that I had never seen before or since. She was genuinely happy for others and asked them questions that allowed them to express their happiness. For example, I remember one co-worker was planning a vacation to Hawaii. The woman asked “When are you leaving? How long will you be gone? Where are you staying? What sights do you plan to see?” There were no comments like “Things like that never happen to me” or “I wish I could go to Hawaii” or “Man, why can’t I have something like that happen to me?” She was excited about everything they planned to do. She never said anything that diminished their joy. In fact, this woman caused the joy of others to increase. I decided that I would try to be more like her.
4. I wrote a few paragraphs earlier that my siblings and I were not celebrated so we became envious of others. I have one sister, in particular, who was very jealous of me because she felt that I had always been more loved then she was. (There is a dynamic in Narcissistic abuse in which there are favored and unfavored children. In reality none is truly loved and all suffer damage.) I am quite sure she was also jealous of everyone’s good fortune. It didn’t matter how big or little the good thing was, her envy sucked the joy out of every happiness. She often said things to me like, “Nothing good ever happens to me…You always have been God’s favorite. He gives you all sorts of good things and gives me nothing.”
Several years ago EJ and I realized that we were forgetting how to have fun or laugh. For many years EJ worked 12-16 hour shifts–or more–seven days a week for months without a day off. His company was awful, often firing people without warning for the smallest offences. After EJ left the company last March, a co-worker was seriously hurt, but the company refused to allow an ambulance to be called, instead ordering another employee to drive the injured man to the hospital. (After this incident, the company was investigated by OSHA.) EJ told me that often when someone was injured at work and in the hospital, barely coherent from medication, someone from the company would bring papers for him/her to sign saying that they would accept a bit of money and not sue the company. EJ was an encourager at work, lifting the spirits of his co-workers–especially after one of his work friends committed suicide. When EJ left for his new job, his leaving triggered an exodus. Many, many employees quit every month. He asked one former co-worker how many had left, and the co-worker said that all he knew is that in one month, about 30 employees walked off the job. That’s just ONE month.
Anyway, back to my story. Several years ago, EJ was so exhausted from working so much without a break in a difficult job that he almost had a breakdown. So we bought a used RV and we went to a beautiful campground (in Northern Michigan!) so he could rest. JJ and I also needed the break because with EJ working so much, we didn’t get a chance to do many fun things. We did little things, but sometimes we only had one vehicle so we couldn’t get away. When I happily told my sister that we had bought a used RV and were going camping, rather than be glad that we could enjoy some much-needed time away, she again diminished my joy with her envy. “WE never go on vacations,” she said resentfully, as if there was something wrong with our having something good in our lives. For goodness’ sakes, did she resent our rare vacation when they had their own private vacation spot to enjoy every day? Her mother-in-law had sold her son–my sister’s husband–the wonderful 40-acre farm he had grown up on at a very reduced price. It had fields and forests and a beautiful little pond on it. They had a picnic area near the pond and a wonderful little paddle-boat. My sister was like a miserable old miser who disregarded the piles of gold she had and resented anyone having any coin that she didn’t. I certainly didn’t want to become like my sister.
I had never prayed for God to deliver us from trouble but instead I’ve always prayed for Him to give us strength and faith and growth through suffering. However, I knew how weary we were becoming. JJ’s battle with cancer was sort of the final straw that totally broke our remaining strength. Afterwards, we were absolutely emotionally and physically exhausted. Even then, we would have tried to persevere, but when I saw how EJ’s company was destroying his health, I finally said, “I can bear no more.” I begged God to move us to a new area with a fresh start, crying that I didn’t know how much more I could endure. And immediately, things started to happen.
I don’t know at what point to include a little about the damaging effects of emotional abuse. Other bloggers are able to articulate it better, I think. But I can say that trauma victims–of every sort–often struggle with feelings of hopelessness, guilt, sadness, depression, anxiety, indecision, and self-hatred, with their identity, and with PTSD symptoms. Cancer survivors and their caretakers can also suffer from many of these things as well, and caretakers suffer from the exhaustion of burnout. I told EJ a few days ago that I feel as if I am filled up and overflowing with tears and sadness and weariness from years of struggle and heartache and abuse.
Up here, in the North, away from my emotionally abusive family, away from EJ’s abusive company, away from the difficulties JJ has struggled with, away from many, many struggles, we have an opportunity to breath, to heal, to recover, to restore our emotional, physical and spiritual strength. But it takes time. I’ve read that emotional abuse takes a very, very long time to recover from because it causes so much damage.
I have not described these things in order to elicit sympathy, I have a point to make. I want you to understand that our lives have not been one wonderful, happy, frivolous thing after another with nary a sorrow. I’ve told EJ several times that there is no way we could ever describe to anyone the difficulties and heartache we have endured. He agrees. I only mention comments here or there in posts now and then but it would take a thick book to describe the things we have experienced–and even then I couldn’t really describe it.
EJ and I have always, all our lives, trusted God, and counted our blessings, and found pleasure in small common things, which we actually think are wondrous and miraculous–like geese flying overhead, or intricate spiderwebs, or stars in the sky, or glittering snow, or the glimpse of a deer. It comes naturally to us, usually.
And, yet, finding pleasure and wonder in small things are not just little pleasant, trivial experiences. They are powerful weapons. Abuse and PTSD sites teach about the importance of learning to live in “mindfulness.” Mindfulness, as I understand it, is about not letting thoughts get lost in memories of trauma, or in sadness, or in anxiety about the future, but to learn to focus on Now–by counting blessings, enjoying the beauty around us, having fun and laughing. These things are lights that drive out the darkness. I told EJ that each time I count my blessings, each time I look out at my beautiful surroundings, each time I see wildlife on our property, each time I see beautiful birds at the feeders, each time I sled down the hill and laugh all the way, each time I see how happy EJ is, each time I see how JJ is thriving, each time Danny looks up at me and grins or the cats cuddle with me, it’s like a drop of sadness trickles away leaving another space for joy.
There are evil people who enjoy causing pain to others. There are envious people who resent the joy of others. And there are ignorant people who don’t understand how their comments can weaken others. (“Ignorant” is not intended as an insult–I mean they really are unaware.) Fighting for recovery (from abuse, illness, depression, or whatever) is a battle. The Bible says that “the joy of the Lord is our strength.” If you dim the joy of others, you weaken the strength they need to fight very difficult battles. Diminishing joy comments make me feel as if I have been punched in the stomach. They make my grasp on joy slip and make it harder to fight the sadness of trauma. It’s almost as if I then have to keep telling myself that it’s ok to enjoy blessings and feel joy and to laugh.
Diminishing joy comments can include statements like “Good things never happen to me….” “WE never get to do that…” or even “I’m glad you are experiencing blessings but there are many people who don’t have such blessings.” I don’t even know what that last statement is intended to convey. Is it meant to make a person feel guilty for having blessings? Are we supposed to not be happy because somewhere someone is sad? Does it express the belief that in being happy, we are ignoring all those who are suffering?
Believe me, I am very aware of the suffering of others and I don’t need reminders that it exists. As a very empathetic person, I deeply feel the suffering of EJ, JJ, my friends, or of those I hear about around the world and it breaks my heart. Often the suffering of others is more difficult for me to bear than my own suffering. Because of all this suffering in the world, sometimes I have to step back from it or it will overwhelm me with sadness. I–we–NEED to have moments when we can set aside the sorrow and be glad. I like what a Jewish sage wrote. I can’t remember his name or the exact comment but he said that we sin if we see only the pain and sorrow in the world and can’t see the beauty and joy in it. Our ability to count our blessings does not mean that we are ignoring others’ suffering. Despite suffering, 1 Timothy 6:17 says that God has given us “richly all things to enjoy” He surely knows about the suffering in the world–on a deeper level than any of us–and yet He still commands us to have joy and to enjoy His gifts.
I love what two of my friends wrote at FB after I shared my post in which I counted my joys: “I love that you’re all so happy and content!” and “What a blessing for you all and a joy to hear about!” There were no statements that diminished joy. (In mentioning Diminishing joy comments, I’m not including “pretend” envy. I have a friend who sometimes said, “Oh, I am so jealous you got to see the woodpecker…” or whatever. I don’t think of it as real envy. It’s sort of just another way of saying “That is so cool!” and “I would love to see it too!”)
Another thought: It seems to me that the people groups who have experienced the most sorrow in their history have the most joyful music. I wonder if it’s because they will not survive the sorrow if they can’t ever experience joy. The more sorrow there is, the more joy is needed to fight it? Joy helps us get through the difficult times. It’s why we have to count blessings. We will drown in sadness if we can’t ever release it.
We all have times of joy and sorrow, laughter and tears. They come and go like the seasons. We need to have periods when we can let the burdens of sorrow drop from us and soak in beauty, laugh, dance, sing, and be silly. Times of joy are like benches to rest on along an arduous trail before we continue on. Although we need to be careful to be empathetic, and we must be able to “weep with those who weep” we are also told to “rejoice with those who rejoice.” Some of the ancient Jewish sages taught that “true kindness consists in doing whatever the person with whom you are interacting most needs; thus a depressed person focused only on that which is paining him might desperately need to laugh, and thereby recall that life is not just anguish.” (Read more about the value of laughter at my other blog, I Love To Go A-Wondering.)
God has given EJ, JJ, and me a chance to rest and recover here in our Enchanted Forest. I am thankful that we have this time in which we can relearn how to enjoy life and to laugh again. Counting our blessings and enjoying our new life is a way of recognizing that a loving God gives rest to His people and has brought us to a place of plenty after a time of suffering.
For you, God, have tested us,
refined us as silver is refined.
You brought us into the net
and bound our bodies fast.
You made men ride over our heads;
we went through fire and water.
But you brought us out
to a place of plenty. (Ps. 66:10-12)
So, in case my intended message has gotten lost in this long post, I want to sum up:
- EVERYONE experiences seasons of joy and sorrow in their lives.
- We need to learn not to be envious of those who are experiencing blessings in their life. We don’t always know every chapter of their life’s story, and we may have no idea of the suffering they might have just endured or how desperately they need the rest.
- Don’t diminish the joy of others through joy-sucking statements.
- Whether you intend it or not, diminishing the joy of others can steal away the strength they need to fight difficult battles.
- Learn to bless others by sharing in and increasing their joy.
FYI: I disabled comments for this post because it was difficult to write and I don’t want debate. If you believe that the things I’ve written does not apply to your life, then it doesn’t apply. Let it go. If it does apply then be aware of how your comments are affecting those around you and ponder how you are going to start being a person who increases the joy of others rather than decreasing it.
The Things That Bring Me Joy
Maybe because our calendars clicked over into a new year, I’ve been thinking of a lot about our lives now and then. Of course, I’ve been thinking about now and then ever since we moved to our new home, so maybe it doesn’t have much to to do with the calendar at all. I love to count the things that I love no matter what time of year it is.
I started to write a list of the Thens and Nows that we have experienced but then I deleted it because I’ve already tried to write about them in the past and, really, it’s impossible to describe how physically, emotionally, and spiritually weary we had become downstate and how it has suddenly changed for us when we moved North. Life down there was filled with struggle, illness, exhaustion, sorrow, pain, that seemed to stretch on endlessly. Up here in the North, it feels like Spring after Winter, morning after night, laughter after tears, a life filled with endless surprises and delights and possibilities.
We have lived here for 7 months now and rather than write a list of Thens and Nows, I thought I’d just describe all the things that I love about our new life here in the North that bring me joy:
I love that EJ now loves his job and he looks forward to going to work every day. I love that he works for a company that takes care of its employees and with co-workers who are friendly and helpful.
I love that EJ’s normal work week is four 10-hour days so that he gets a three-day weekend every week, which feels like a vacation. I love that he is feeling more rested and the “happiest I have ever been” and that his creativity is coming back. He is currently working on making me a sort of loom to hold my yarn as I use it. Here is a picture, although he’s still tweaking it.
I love that JJ is thriving in a way he never has before. For many reasons, he was miserable downstate and he used to say that he hated Michigan and as soon as he could he would leave and never come back. He has not said it–even once–since when have we moved North. Instead, he says, “I can understand why you and Dad love Michigan so much…I love it here!” I laughed the other day when he exclaimed, “Look! People are driving snowmobiles along the road!” Up here, snowmobiles are allowed on the roads. JJ is filled with a brand new excitement: He is doing well at work, he’s beginning college at the end of this week, and he now has a girlfriend.
I love that Northern Michigan is more prosperous. There is excitement in the air with so many things to see and do and explore. I love the beautiful lakes and forests, the cute little towns, and the awesome libraries, and the old-timey theaters.
I love that a trip to the store or the bank or the hardware store takes us through breathtakingly beautiful scenery. I love that I can find my way to places more easily here in the North. I don’t feel so anxious about getting lost.
I love looking up into the dark night sky and seeing billions and billions of sparkling stars so close that we can almost touch them. I love hearing owls hoot-hoot-hooting at night.
I love walking through our very beautiful forest in all the different seasons. Each season and type of weather gives our Enchanted Forest a different appearance, all of them beautiful.
I love that we have a long steep driveway that winds around and hides us from the road making our land feel like a delicious secret.
I love that it is cooler up here, even in summer, and not so humid.
I love that we don’t have the swarms of vicious mosquitoes that we had in mid-Michigan. We saw only one mosquito at our house this summer…and EJ killed it.
I love the beautiful snow that transforms our Enchanted Forest into a snow globe. I love that we can sled down our driveway with Danny chasing us. We laugh all the way down. And, yes, I do sled down the driveway whenever I go get the mail.
I love the happy grin on Danny’s face as he wanders freely on our five-acres following interesting smells or chasing the sleds down the hill. Whenever he went outside downstate, he was confined to a small fenced-in yard except for his daily walk.
I love that the cats get to roam through the whole house. (In our old house, we had a door to our upstairs and the cats stayed downstairs.) I love the cats telling us it’s time for bed and sleeping with us. I even love Kee-Kee taking shortcuts across my face as he settles next to my head at night.
I love that our house is just big enough and small enough to suit us perfectly. I feel like Goldilocks enjoying the baby bear’s bed.
I love the sunshine streaming through our large windows. In our old house, the windows were narrow and it was so dark inside that we had to keep lights on throughout the day.
I love the view outside my kitchen window. We did what we could to transform our little yard at our old house downstate. We made our whole yard into a garden with paths winding through it. We planted fruit trees, berry bushes, herbs, and vegetables. We put up birdhouses and feeders to attract the birds. I think our yard was cute-ish. However, it was small, and the views out the windows were still of the houses next door. Whenever I look out my kitchen window here in the North, I am filled with absolute delight because I can see the sky and beautiful forests unhindered by neighboring houses. We only get glimpses of our neighbors in the winter when the trees are bare.
I love that we can keep our property more wild up here. At our old home, if our grass grew longer than 6 inches, the Village would mow it and charge $50. We kept our grass mowed, but I was worried whenever the mower wouldn’t run. Here in the North, we don’t have to mow our lawn, except near the house…if we choose. We also don’t have to rake the leaves in the autumn. In fact, it would be impossible to rake our leaves and it’s better for wildlife if we don’t.
I love the wildlife we see on our property here in the North. I love “wildlife-scaping” our yard. During EJ’s days off for New Year’s, we bought a mineral block for the deer to enjoy. At first we put it near the birdfeeders in the front yard, but then we moved it to the back yard where we can see it from our bedroom window. We go in the back yard less frequently so the deer wouldn’t be disturbed. EJ also hammered some nails into a log and put some ears of corn on it for the squirrels.
We don’t see as many birds up here as we did downstate–because they mostly keep to the forest until I put out the birdfeeders after the bears have gone to sleep for the winter. However, I love the different birds we see up here in the North. I told EJ it’s like a burst of serotonin whenever I see the birds. I love the ravens and crows caw-caw-cawing as they fly overhead and the mysterious fluting of the Hermit Thrush. I love the chickadees, nuthatches, gold finches, and the different varieties of woodpeckers. We’ve even had beautiful Pileated Woodpeckers visit our suet. They are the largest of all the woodpeckers–about the size of a crow–and a complete joy to see. They totally belong in an Enchanted Forest.
I love all the “firsts” I am experiencing: My first time living outside a town, my first time having a mailbox along the road, my first time having a generator and having to have water on-hand to flush toilets in a power outage, my first time not seeing neighbors, my first time having deer and turkey wandering through our yard, my first time seeing a Pileated Woodpecker, my first time having to be wary of bears. However, I do not–and never will–like the giant spiders.
We so much love living in the North. We are thriving here, and we feel as if we are growing younger. We feel we have found the place where we belong.
It’s amazing how life can change so completely within a year.
The End of 2015
We survived the big storm that hit earlier in the week. The lights flicked a couple of times but we didn’t lose power. Yay!
A snowplow tore our mailbox off the post and flung it into the snow so yesterday morning EJ put his tools in the suburban and drove down the driveway to fix it.
While EJ was fixing the mailbox, I got out one of our sleds and sledded down our driveway. Danny stood at the top of the hill and watched me for a bit and then raced down and tried to push me. I had my camera with me and videoed my descent. It was tons of fun. EJ said he heard me laughing down the hill and it was like music to his ears.
At our old house, EJ had to work TONS of overtime and when he wasn’t working, he was either very tired, or struggling with chronic back pain (his job was tough on his back), or we had to work on our house or something. And then there was JJ’s cancer. We got wore down. It’s really nice to be able to just have fun and to laugh again.
When I reached the bottom of the hill, I called JJ on my phone to come join me. He quickly got ready and came outside. I gave him the round sled and he sledded down the hill with Danny chasing him and pushing him. We went down the hill several times. I used the longer sled and the last time I went down, I invited Danny to join me. He got on my lap and I held him tight as we raced down the driveway.
I tried to upload my videos to Youtube but for some reason I am having problems with it. When it processes the video, it suddenly aborts and starts uploading it all over again. I thought maybe it was my computer messing up so I tried to upload them using EJ’s computer, but it didn’t work any better. I was able to upload them on FB, but not Youtube. Bummer. They were hilarious.
This morning EJ and I got out the sleds and sledded down the driveway to get the mail. EJ gave me a huge push so I went further than I had yesterday before ending up in the snow along the driveway. Then he came down the driveway. He was able to skillfully steer around the curves so he went all the way down the driveway without stopping. In my defense, I’m too busy filming our descent to handle steering. Poor ol’ Danny was stiff and tired from running up and down the driveway chasing the sleds yesterday so he didn’t want to go get the mail with us today.
JJ had to leave for work at 11 a.m. today. I paid bills this morning (yuck!) and then EJ and I took off to run some errands. Because of the holidays, EJ doesn’t have to be back to work until Monday.
First we stopped at the post office to mail a package, but they were closed for lunch. Rats.
Then we drove to the Emerald City. Our first stop was a feed store. They have pet food and bird seed at a good price. We pulled up to the store at 1:11 p.m. They closed at 1 p.m. for New Year’s. Rats!
We were hungry, so we drove to our favorite restaurant. Fortunately, they were NOT closed. Yay! The restaurant is located right near the coast. We sat at a table near the window so we could enjoy the beautiful view of the lake. I don’t know if you can tell from the photo, but the lake is just beyond the trees.
After we ate, we drove to Goodwill. We love thrift-store shopping. We got some good bargains, like a scratching post for the cats.
After Goodwill, we went grocery shopping. That took quite a while and we were tired when we got out. However, we stopped at a farm store on the way home so EJ could get a post hole driver so he could put up T-posts along the driveway. He also got a snow fence. Little by little we are getting what we need to survive the winters up here. I’m so glad this winter has been mild so far to give us time to prepare.
By the time we reached our town, the post office was closed for the day. Bummer. I will have to mail my packages on Monday now.
When we got home, we unloaded everything and put it all away. I made chili and began doing laundry.
EJ and I had a great day together. JJ will get home about 8:30 p.m. or so tonight. We will enjoy some snacks, welcome in the new year at midnight, and then all head to bed. Well…I usually go to bed before EJ and JJ do, so it will probably be just me and the cats who head for bed.
This has been such an incredible year. It started in weariness and discouragement but ended in joy. We are so thankful we live here in the beautiful north!
Storm Prep
For the last few days we’ve heard that a big storm was headed our way. In fact, there has been nasty weather through most of the country with tornadoes and flooding to the south and snow and ice in the north. What a mess.
Our storm was supposed to bring snow, sleet, freezing rain, and high winds starting later this afternoon. Meteorologists warned that roads could become impossible and that “power outages of long duration” were possible.
We spent the morning preparing for the bad weather. We filled gallon jugs with water for drinking and the large blue 5 gallon jugs with water for flushing the toilet if our power went out. I got the laundry all done and the dishes washed because I didn’t want a pile of dirty clothes or dishes if we went days without power.
Meanwhile, EJ packed an emergency bag for both him and JJ in case they got stranded on their way home from work. JJ was like, “I won’t need it. I won’t be stuck.” However, I told him that it would be great if he didn’t need it, but if he did get stuck he would be glad he had it. He doesn’t have much experience driving in bad winter weather and I don’t think he’s fully aware of how bad it can be.
Before EJ left for work, I made him teach me how to hook up the propane heater in case we lost power before he got home. I’m very, very glad we lost our power over Christmas because now we are very prepared for this nastier storm.
All day we watched the chickadees, nuthatches, and woodpeckers eating from our bird feeders. I figured out that we have Red-bellied Woodpeckers and Downy and/or Hairy Woodpeckers coming to the feeders. The Downy and Hairy Woodpeckers look almost identical. I think mostly the difference is in size, but I think we have both sizes. I absolutely love the variety of woodpeckers in our forest. I tried to take pictures, but couldn’t get a good one. They usually flew away before I could grab my camera. Just before dark I went outside and brought the bird feeders onto the front porch. I didn’t want them to blow down in a high wind or get encased with ice. Once the storm is over, I’ll put them back up for the birds.
This is the first major winter storm we’ve had up here, and my first living outside a town. I wouldn’t be so concerned if my family was home, but both EJ and JJ had to work today and I worried about them getting home safely. Snow is bad enough, but ice-covered roads are treacherous. I told them both to call me as soon as they left work so I could pray them home. JJ got out of work at 8 p.m. and made it home safely. He said that it was terrible outside. EJ doesn’t usually leave work until the wee hours of the night, but he and his co-workers are planning to leave an hour early tonight. They will work an extra hour on Friday, he said. I will be glad when he is home. It becomes an adventure when my family is with me.
After JJ arrived home, Danny wanted outside. Ugh. It is cold and snowy and windy. I took some pictures. I think it’s interesting to take photos of the snow at night. The flash lights up the snowflakes into interesting patterns.
Our lights flickered a few times tonight, but then stayed on. I got out a flashlight and our battery-operated lantern so I don’t have to grope around in the darkness if the power fails. It would be nice if we don’t lose our power, but I’m not holding my breath.
Once the storm passes, we have sleds and can slide down our hill.
Winter Storm
I am very thankful that the high winds caused us to lose our power on December 24-26 because it motivated us to buy a propane heater and a generator so that we are all set for Monday and Tuesday when the weather is supposed to turn nasty. The U.S. National Weather Service has posted, “A potentially dangerous winter storm will impact northern Michigan late Monday afternoon through Tuesday morning. Snow, freezing rain and sleet accumulations may be significant.” I’ve read we could get about 1/4 inch of ice and around 5-9 inches of snow and “power outages are possible.”
I hate to think what we’d do if we lost our power and couldn’t get to the stores to buy a heater or generator or if the stores weren’t open because of power outages. The Christmas Eve’s wind storm was almost a preparation for the nastier weather coming. The only thing I have to be concerned with is Eric and Jared making it home from work on those days. I always worry about them driving, especially in ice. But EJ is going to put sleeping bags and stuff in their vehicles and if the weather is bad enough, they can stay in a motel. There’s plenty of those up here in the North.
Today I was very busy. I cooked steaks for breakfast/lunch. My guys got up late so I’m not sure exactly what meal they were eating. I also put a roast in the crockpot for our supper. I made eight turkey and chicken pot pies (four of each) which I put in the freezer for future meals.
EJ and I went to the local grocery store. He got gas for the generator and I bought a few groceries. I didn’t need many, but I had run out of freezer bags to put the pies in so…..
After we got home, I cleaned up the kitchen and vacuumed. Then I took Danny outside and while he was wandering about, I put up another of my bird feeders just outside the living room windows. We haven’t seen many birds since we’ve moved up here since they pretty much stay in the forest. The bird feeders are drawing them out into the open and I’m loving watching them. We are getting a lot of chickadees and also some downy woodpeckers and nuthatches.
A couple of days before Christmas JJ accidentally left the Buggy’s lights on while he was at work and the battery was dead when he came out to drive home. A co-worker tried to help him jumpstart it, but they didn’t really know what they were doing and couldn’t get it started. She offered to drive JJ home, but EJ was able to leave work early and he got the Buggy started. JJ appreciated his co-worker’s help so he told her that he wanted to take her out to a restaurant soon as a thank you. Last night she asked him, “Is this a date or a just a thank you?” JJ replied, “It’s whatever you want it to be.” She said, “I would like it to be a date.” So JJ is feeling really happy because she is his age and he likes her.
In a couple of weeks JJ starts college. His life is really taking off.
The Big Bad Wolf
At the stroke of midnight on Christmas Eve, a huge wind storm blew in. It buffeted our house, reminding me of the Big Bad Wolf who huffed and puffed to blow the house down. Our house didn’t blow down but sometime in the night the huffing and puffing blew out our power.
When I woke up the next morning, I called our electric company and their recorded message informed us that more than 30,000 homes were without power. It was sort of difficult to tell who had power and who didn’t because many homes have generators up here but we knew that there weren’t many in our area with dark houses. We thought for a while that we were the only ones. Because of that, we figured we weren’t high priority for having our power restored, so we prepared to wait for several days.
We had no generator or heater and our house was a bit chilly, although thankfully we’ve had a really warm winter so it wasn’t unbearable. Still, it was too cold to be without heat so on Christmas Eve EJ and I drove to the Lowe’s on the other side of the Emerald City to buy a propane heater. Once we got that hooked up, we were toasty warm. The pets loved the heater. Timmy, our black and white cat, especially loved it. He rarely moved far from the heater.
We bought some gallon jugs of water for drinking since nothing would be opened on Christmas day. We also went to the water pump in the local park and filled up our big blue 5 gallon jugs so that we’d have water to flush the toilets. EJ and I had a laugh because when we were first married, he rushed to fill up the bathtub in our apartment with water when he heard that a big storm was moving in. “What on earth are you doing?” I asked, mystified. I was a small town girl and I didn’t see the connection between a storm and a bathtub filled with water. EJ grew up in the country where they had to have water to flush the toilets when storms knocked out the power so they always filled the bathtubs when a storm approached. Now that we live in our Enchanted Forest, we are entering HIS type of world. We were ill-prepared this time, but next time a storm is forecast, we will fill the bathtub with water.
We had a quiet Christmas Eve reading by candlelight and our one battery-operated lantern.
The hardest thing to bear with the power off was not being able to wash my hair. My hair is super-fine and I need to wash it every day or it feels yucky. JJ’s hair isn’t as fine as mine, but he also needs to wash it every day. So in the morning I heated up a big pot of water on the stove (we have propane and can light it even without power), diluted it with cold water to an acceptable temperature, and then EJ poured the water over our heads while we shampooed and rinsed our hair. Ta da!
The first day without power EJ made coffee with an old-fashioned percolator type coffee pot. It was strong and rather bitter, but we needed our coffee fix so we drank it anyway. On Christmas morning EJ figured out how to make a good pot of coffee: He heated water on the stove and poured it in our coffee machine so that it made the coffee, and then he poured the coffee into the old coffee pot and kept it heated on the stove. It was tasty.
Earlier in the week I had bought tickets to the new Star Wars movie for Christmas Day. It was the only day that both EJ and JJ didn’t have to work. There are a lot of really cute movie theaters here in the north. The one we went to was very cute and located right on the shore. We really enjoyed the movie and had a great time, although we think the older Star Wars movies were better. There were things in the new movie that didn’t make sense–like why the girl, who was dressed in desert clothing, didn’t immediately freeze to death when the sun went out.
JJ had the most trouble handling the power outage–mostly because he had been looking forward to enjoying his day off with his Internet friends. I kept quoting, “It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness….” LOL. He also was tired because he’d worked some longer shifts and hadn’t slept well so he went to bed as soon as it got dark. EJ and I read for a while by the light of the candles, but when he dozed off too, I figured I also might as well go to sleep so I put out the candles and went to bed.
This morning after JJ went to work, EJ and I drove back to Lowes and bought a generator. We had wanted to get one anyway. Just before Christmas EJ got a check for the year’s unused vacation days, so that gave us the money to buy it. With EJ’s normal work week consisting of four 10-hour days and Friday thru Sunday off, we didn’t feel the need to take vacation days. Having three-day weekends feel a lot like having a vacation every weekend.
EJ didn’t have time to hook up the generator before an electrical company truck came up our driveway. EJ went out to talk to him, but before he got outside, the truck drove back down the hill. I felt like yelling, “NOOOOOOOO!” EJ said the truck drove up to make sure there was no damage to the lines up to the house. There wasn’t. I saw the utility trucks on the road and a few minutes later the power came back on. Yay!
I put up my bird feeders a week ago. We live in an area where there are sometimes bears so we have to wait until they go to sleep for the winter before putting up the feeders. I’m not sure exactly when the bears start to hibernate, especially with the mild winter we’ve been having, but I figured they must be sleeping by now. I hung up feeders at the big post, which has handy hooks on it and also put feeders on my birdfeeder pole close to the house. I filled the feeders with seed and also suet. Days went by and I didn’t see any birds at my feeders but I know it takes time for them to find them. Finally, on Christmas Day, the birds came to the feeders! Yay! I love watching the birds. We have mostly cute little chickadees so far but we’ve also seen what I think are downy-headed woodpeckers. I’m hoping to lure the Pileated Woodpeckers living in our forest to the suet, but I read that they are shy so I don’t know if they will come.
Once our power came back on and we had the Internet again, we learned that our neighbor at our old house had died unexpectedly on Christmas Day. He and his wife were wonderful people and we enjoyed having them as neighbors. They used to babysit JJ sometimes when he was small. 😦
I just read on FB that meteorologists are forecasting rain, sleet, snow, and ice for tonight. Hopefully JJ will get home from work before it hits. At least we now have a generator if we lose power again!
Another Thought or Two
After I wrote my last post, a couple of articles on the same topic appeared on my Facebook newsfeed. They are personal stories of people who experienced the church defending the abusers while accusing the victim. Stories like this happen often and it is why I think it’s serious when Christians believe lies. I’ll share the links at the end of this post.
Is Dealing With a Narcissist Spiritual Warfare?
Narcissists and Predators are Everywhere in Churches and They Destroy Faith
I want you to know that I am not Christian-bashing. I am a Christian. I know many others who have a great love for God, who walk with Him faithfully, and who have a deep understanding of the Bible. However, there are people within the church who are predators. They are wolves in sheep’s clothing. They are false teachers. And there are many people who defend and support them. This is a problem.
There are memes that state such things as “Not going to church because of hypocrites is like not going to the gym because of fat people.” I think memes like that reveal a misunderstanding of what “hypocrite” actually means. A hypocrite is not merely an imperfect person who has weaknesses and failures. Dictionary.com defines “hypocrite” as:
- a person who pretends to have virtues, moral or religious beliefs, principles, etc., that he or she does not actually possess, especially a person whose actions belie stated beliefs.
- a person who feigns some desirable or publicly approved attitude, especially one whose private life, opinions, or statements belie his or her public statements.
Merriam-Webster defines hypocrite as
-
a person who puts on a false appearance of virtue or religion
-
a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings
In other words, a hypocrite is one who deliberately pretends to be something he is not. He wears a mask to hide his true self. He is a liar, a deceiver, a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Narcissists fit this description. Every church has imperfect people in it but if hypocrites are in the church, the church has a real problem.
I also think there is a tendency to claim that people who leave the church are doing so because they hate the truth or they are disgruntled, critical, etc. I’m sure it is true that some people leave church for those reasons, but I think it’s arrogant to assume that those are the only reasons that people leave the church. I know many people with a deep love of God who have chosen to leave the church because the truth is NOT being taught there and/or because wolves are tearing apart the flock. It is naive to think that every church, every pastor, is preaching the truth. The Bible itself warns against false prophets and teachers and wolves.
Rather than dismiss people who leave as hating truth or being disgruntled, the church ought to pay attention to why they are leaving and to correct wrongs within the church. The fault might not be in the people leaving, but in the church itself. In the links I shared, one of the woman almost walked away from God because of what she suffered at the hands of the church. This is serious. We ought not to ignore, deny, or cover up problems, but honestly deal with them. In I Corinthians 5:9-13, Paul says that we aren’t to worry about judging those in the world, but we are to judge those who are within the community, those who claim they are “brothers.” He instructs that the evil doer be expelled:
In my earlier letter I wrote you not to associate with people who engage in sexual immorality. I didn’t mean the sexually immoral people outside your community, or the greedy, or the thieves or the idol-worshippers — for then you would have to leave the world altogether! No, what I wrote you was not to associate with anyone who is supposedly a brother but who also engages in sexual immorality, is greedy, worships idols, is abusive, gets drunk or steals. With such a person you shouldn’t even eat! For what business is it of mine to judge outsiders? Isn’t it those who are part of the community that you should be judging? God will judge those who are outside. Just expel the evildoer from among yourselves.
The church can’t remove the evildoers if it refuses to recognize that they exist.
Here is one final article. It describes exactly why predators target churches. It is very interesting and worth reading.
Why Predators Are Attracted to the Clergy
The Silence of the Lambs
I have been reading through the articles at a blog called Narcissists Suck. It is my new favorite website. The blogger writes about narcissism in a clear, concise, interesting, and Biblical way, which I am finding very helpful and refreshing, especially now when frustration at the way most people respond to victims of emotional abuse sits like a lump in my stomach. I have felt frustrated ever since I spoke up about why I strongly disliked that video about the seemingly lonely old man who pretended to be dead so his children would visit at Christmas. Writing for me is a type of therapy–I explore ideas or experiences and I also dump out thoughts so they don’t stay in my mind. I’m finding my frustration is staying in my mind so, sorry, I am going to pour my thoughts out here.
The video triggered memories of abuse because it has classic, textbook characteristics of Narcissistic abuse: 1. The old man appears very loving, a lonely victim of children who do not visit on Christmas. 2. He lies, deceives, and manipulates his adult children into doing what he wants. 3. He convinces others into helping him manipulate his children since, obviously, he couldn’t, himself, inform them that he was dead. 4. The one who points it out is not believed.
I have been told several times since I expressed my dislike for this video that it was merely perspective and others had a different perspective. I get that people have different perspectives, opinions, beliefs, interpretations, and paradigms. However, I don’t see how pointing out that this old man was a liar, deceiver, and manipulator is merely a matter of perspective. The man was alive, not dead. His death was the “not truth,” it was a lie, which means he was a liar. He made a situation appear one way (he was “dead”) when it was really another (he was actually alive). That’s deception. He used dishonest tactics to get what he wanted. That’s manipulation. God clearly says that He hates lies. That, to me, is clear and undebatable. Jesus called Satan a liar and a murderer. I believe He connected these words–liar and murderer–because a person who lies actually murders another’s reality, freewill, trust, love, spirit, identity. I don’t see how any Christian can hold up a liar as an example of truth. It’s an oxymoron.
I hate that when a victim of abuse speaks up, people assume that she/he is angry, bitter, unforgiving, filled with oozing emotional pain, and that that disqualifies her perspective. In reality, 1. A person can speak with pain and still be speaking the truth. 2. Just because she speaks about abuse doesn’t mean that she is bitter and unforgiving or oozing with pain. 3. A person can be righteously angry without being bitter and unforgiving, etc.–and I believe that there are things we ought to be angry about. And 4….I will talk about 4 in more detail throughout this post.
Whenever one of my friends mentions struggling with an illness, disorder, or other form of suffering, I research it because I care about them. I have friends who are suffering from Multiple Sclerosis, Crohn’s Disease, Hashimoto’s Disease, PTSD, and with a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), among others things. Some of these conditions I had never heard about before my friends suffered from it. Some I had heard about before but I looked more deeply into what sort of daily challenges my friends had to face–because it’s one thing to know in general about a disease or disorder and quite another thing to understand what a personal friend is actually suffering. I have also asked several of my friends directly about their problems. It helps me understand. I don’t doubt my friends’ descriptions of their sufferings. I don’t downplay their symptoms, I don’t tell them what to feel, I don’t tell them what they should do. I consider them more qualified than I am to speak about their challenges because they are experiencing it.
However, when a victim speaks up about abuse, many people disbelieve and downplay it, and act as if the victim’s words are invalid because “her perspective is off” because she has been hurt. I say poppycock. She is more qualified to speak about the dynamics of abuse because she has lived it and experienced its damage. Rather than dismiss her perspective, or re-imagine what happened, or tell her that she is over-reacting, or declare what they think she should feel, think, or do, or imagine possible motives of the abuser, they ought to listen to the victim with the intent of understanding. Listening is a gift you give to the hurting. Also, it could be very likely that the victim has important things to say and you could learn from her so that 1. you don’t become a victim or 2. you don’t make the suffering of victims greater.
I might, as a survivor of Narcissistic abuse, seem to be overly sensitive to this sort of situation. However, it’s also very possible–likely even–that because of my experience, I can see things that others are blind to. It’s like…EJ used to drink a lot, back before we met and married. Sometimes we are driving along–him driving, me riding–and he will say, “That guy in the car ahead is drunk. He’s all over the road.” I look and I don’t see what he sees. I mean, I think of “being all over the road” as, you know, WEAVING WILDLY from one side of the road to the next, leaving S-shaped black marks in the pavement–like in the movies. But I trust that EJ can pick up on subtle behaviors that I can’t see because I never had that lifestyle and he did. He KNOWS in ways that I don’t. In the same way, I can pick up on lies, deceit, and manipulative behavior that others might not see because of what I’ve experienced. In fact, there have been several times when I have warned EJ that someone was manipulating us. One such time was about a year ago, when I warned told EJ that–for real–the fragile old man he was feeling sorry for was actually manipulating us to get back at his wife. EJ said, “No, he’s just an old man and I want to help him…” So I told him in detail what I thought the man was doing and how it would affect us if we allowed ourselves to be used by him. We protected ourselves, avoided a mess, and we found out that I had been completely correct in every detail which totally amazed EJ because he didn’t know how I knew. I picked up on the subtle clues because I know about liars, deception, and manipulation.
Narcissist abuse experts say that a strange gift that Narcissists give to their victims is a hatred of lies and a love for truth. I believe it’s because victims understand firsthand how lies destroy lives. They know that the only way they escaped the web of lies was to hold on and fight with truth. They know that it is only the truth that sets us free. If you want to understand the power of lies and truth, good and evil, talk to a recovering victim of Narcissistic abuse.
So I want to share just a little about emotional abuse. Emotional abusers include Narcissists, Psychopaths, and Sociopaths. It has been said that not all Narcissists are Psychopaths but all Psychopaths are Narcissists. I would assume the same is true of Sociopaths as well. I will speak about Narcissistic abuse because that is what I am familiar with. If you want to understand this sort of abuse–and I hope you do–the website Narcissists Suck is an extremely good website to learn from. I will quote some of her articles here but it would be worthwhile to read the entirety of the articles which I am linking to. She really is an excellent writer.
It is said that emotional abuse is even more dangerous to a victim than physical abuse. Physical abuse is very terrible. Emotional abuse is a component of every type of abuse, including physical. However, physical abuse is more easily recognized and believed than purely emotional abuse because there is evidence of it–bruises and broken bones. Because of this, victims tend to get more validation and support from others. Emotional abuse has been described as brainwashing and psychological torture. It is especially dangerous because it is so subtle and there’s no evidence to prove its existence. Because of this, people tend to disbelieve it which means the victims don’t get validation or support. Also, physical abuse usually happens in isolated episodes while emotional abuse is constant torment.
A Narcissist is an extremely skilled liar who can make cruelty seem loving, evil appear good, lies appear true, black appear white, and ugliness appear beautiful so that even victims don’t always realize they are being abused until the damage has been done and they wake up one day feeling emotionally raped and not knowing who they are.
Narcissists hide their abuse, tormenting their victims in secret. They skillfully make themselves appear to outsiders to be very sweet, loving, and even spiritual. Because of this, the victim is often not believed and is seen as the Attacker of a Good Person. She often finds herself in a lose-lose situation: If she is silent about the abuse, lies go unchallenged and the Narcissist is free to assassinate her character and to capture more victims in his web. If she speaks up, she appears to be everything the Narcissist accused her of being: angry, bitter, unloving, unforgiving. I highly respect people such as Narcissists Suck who have the courage to speak up and are very articulate. I have compassion for the victims who do not speak up because they are weary of trying to defend themselves from those who disbelieve and condemn them. Sometimes I speak up and then become frustrated when people don’t listen–don’t understand–what I am saying. They make me feel patronized. Sometimes I write about the abuse and then delete it because it feels as if I’m slogging through muck or because I think no one will understand–and often they don’t. (In fact, I deleted my last post.) As experts say, “Narcissistic abuse can’t be described by those who are inside it and is not understood by those outside of it.”
On the other hand, while many don’t understand, usually when I share about abuse a few abuse victims will message me privately with their own stories. That makes sharing worthwhile and I’m glad to pass along things I’ve learned, but their stories make me sad and increase my frustration of the bystanders who refuse to hear. Some friends are willing to ask me to explain about Narcissistic abuse. I greatly value them because they are rare.
I cannot comprehend evil people. I cannot comprehend those who enjoy causing misery and pain to others. I am angry at unrepentant abusers and my heart is broken for the victims. However, I understand and accept that a Narcissist is a predator and predators act according to their nature. Predators are roaring lions who seek those they can devour. That’s who they are. Twisted people who devour others.
The people who anger me most at this time are the bystanders. It is very difficult for a victim to break free from Narcissistic abuse. When she does, the road to recovery is long because her core identity has been damaged. She has to rewrite lies with the truth, she has re-learn who she is, she has to learn to trust again. Often she struggles with PTSD, depression, or anxiety. The journey is much more difficult when bystanders trample over the victim as they rush to excuse, justify, support, and unconditionally forgive the unrepentant abusers. Bystanders tend to minimize the abuse and disbelieve and accuse the victim which increases the damage to her. I stayed in abuse much longer than I might otherwise have because I was told that the abusers were just wounded, didn’t know better, didn’t mean to, actually loved me, and I should love and forgive them more. I went to pastors, mentors, and Christian friends for help when I was confused and hurting. Not one really listened to me or believed me, not one told me that what I was experiencing was abuse, not one criticized the abuser, and not one told me that I didn’t have to endure it. I think God taught me little by little and what I learned was verified when I eventually found on-line abuse websites and groups. I am especially glad there are now Christians understanding and writing about abuse.
In Matthew 7:15 Jesus warned, “Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.” EJ has been told by an ex-policeman co-worker and I have read at abuse sites that predators go where the prey is and very often their prey is in the church. The religious abuser uses Scripture as a tool of abuse, twisting it to make the victim believe that if she resists her abuser, she is opposing God Himself. The Christian bystander often aids the abuser by defending him while accusing the victim with their misunderstanding of Biblical truths. They often tell the victim that in leaving her abuser, she is being unloving, unforgiving, and unChristian. Pressuring a victim to stay in an abuser’s torment is wrong and to use God to do it is heinous. Narcissists Sucks began her post, Not All Enemies Are Created Equal with
As difficult as you know it to be to extricate from a narcissist, especially a family narcissist, Christians are rendered much more susceptible to narcissist control because of the powerful clubs that misinformed Christianity hands over to malignant narcissists. So, hopefully, you’ll be patient when my posts focus on problems for Christians, especially Bible-verse-twisting antics of the narcissists and ill-informed Christians who often unwittingly support the narcissists.
Narcissists Suck refers to the unwitting supporters of the Narcissists as ill-formed. I think that the tragedy is that most of the Narissist’s supporters believe they are righteous and wise and know Scripture, which makes them unable or unwilling to hear anything other than their own opinions. They become unteachable.
In another post, the blogger wrote:
The narcissist appeasers [bystanders] always have a cloak of righteousness they wrap around themselves when approaching those of us who have finally seen the evil doer for what they are and are trying to protect ourselves and our loved ones from them. Regardless of whether the person is religious, or Christian, in profession…this self-righteousness always accompanies the narcissist appeasers. They find a way to assume a moral superiority to you and then smash you to bits. They are simply co-abusers with the narcissist and I find them every bit as dangerous…possibly more so…than the narcissist him or her self.
The Bible says that Satan can appear to be an angel of light. The most evil abusers can appear charming. The most awful lies can look beautiful. Narcissists Suck, who is a Christian, has written in her post They Hide From Truth Because Their Deeds Are Evil:
...There is an interesting point of religious doctrine on this that has been largely forgotten since the Middle Ages. It is that evil lurks beneath a beautiful exterior. In the vernacular today, we say that Beauty runs skin deep. We see this principle reflected in medieval paintings of the fall of the bad angels. They aren’t depicted as ugly demons; they are depicted as beautiful spirits indistinguishable outwardly from the good angels. In other words, malevolence disguises itself with sanctimony…
Evil must mask itself with good in order for it to make a living. Evil must hide itself by hiding the truth of who and what they are. Therefore, full truth (light) is anathema to evil…Evil is an absence of truth which is why it must attach itself to some semblance of truth in order to exist. Evil is parasitic. It cannot stand alone. Pure lies don’t sell. It is the truth that the lie attaches itself to that makes the lie attractive…or at least palatable. The lies of evil need to attach to goodness and truth in order to successfully hide in plain sight. Potential victims must not be warned off by the horrific sight and smell of their villainy. Even though the narcissist despises truth they are dependent on a certain amount of it in order to survive. I tell you this so you are not surprised by the mixture of truth amongst the big lies…
She also wrote, in her post From Such Turn Away:
Evil must disguise itself in order to stalk it’s prey…religion shouldn’t be faulted for being used by those seeking cover for their nefarious deeds. If you will fault religion then, to be consistent, you must fault many other worthy institutions of service and human welfare. The helping professions (teachers, doctors, social workers, etc.) are all ready disguises for the evil person who wants to present himself as harmless and trustworthy. The simple reality is that a person will cloak themselves with their opposite. If they are a pedophile, they may become a Scout leader, a teacher or a priest. Or a clown for kids’ parties. It gives them close access to their preferred prey and the advantage of the trust and authority these positions offer. A woman who gets her kicks controlling and abusing children may become a foster care parent. Examples are legion. Because most religious people are decent, religion is another place evil can hide itself. So don’t think that all religion is bad because some wolves use it to hide in and then savage the sheep…
The blogger also wrote in her post When Good is Bad:
The most dangerous predators among us are ingeniously veiled. They carefully surround themselves with people entirely unlike themselves, that is, with deeply empathic human beings who wish to please others, who are slow to judge, who are excessively tolerant and who have an eye for the good to be found in others. They know how to exploit to their own advantage such character traits. It is their association with such people that maximizes their chances of perpetuating the facade and keeping themselves from exposure. “Narcissism & the Dynamics of Evil“
I want to focus your attention for a moment on the kind of good person, good qualities, and good intentions which are used to support and hide “the most dangerous predators”. If good is used for the evil purposes of predators then good itself becomes dangerous. We really must make determined efforts to not allow good to be used as a cloak for evil, especially if that good resides in ourselves. We are responsible to others to make sure our good natures and qualities are not used by predators to get within striking distance of their victims.
A group of people who admire and cultivate the qualities of being “deeply empathic”, people pleasers, reluctant to judge, “excessively tolerant” and who choose to see only the good in others, are Christians. You do not have to be a Christian to value and hold these qualities, but as a group Christians tend to value and emphasize and reward these qualities. So I’m talking especially to Christians…
There is something fundamentally wrong with our idea of how “good” people should be if we are not discriminating enough to make sure our “good” is not used to facilitate evil. If the “good” qualities we boast of are used as weapons in the hands of a predator then our “good” is actually turned to evil. This is very serious business.
Christians…listen up. All the platitudes and bromides you’ve been weaned on do not apply to narcissists. Quit coddling, excusing, justifying and enabling evil to thrive. Your well-intentioned desire to “save” the narcissist is back-firing. You are supporting evil when you don’t hold evil people accountable for their behavior.
Christians, of all people, should be the last ones who excuse or support evil people, yet, somehow, they do it everyday thinking themselves to be good Christians by giving a pass to out right evil behaviors just so they look like “nice” people. Turn on your brains and think. Stop acting how you think you should act in order to impress all your friends with your great Christian heart. Sometimes the right thing to do isn’t necessarily the “nice” thing. The Gospel of Nice is not the Gospel of Christ. You are morally weak if you are giving a pass to evil narcissists. Period. Yes, even if that narcissist is your parent.
…It is no small thing to let your goodness be exploited, used, and manipulated by predatory narcissists. Your good qualities are only good if they support good. All too often people fall for the notion that their eternal patience and determined belief in the good of all people will cause others to rise to the occasion. The narcissist will never rise to this occasion in the way you hope. They will only see opportunity for protective coloration by standing very close to you and letting your goodness hide their badness.
It is imperative for you, your family, and your social circle that you engage your rational powers and start discerning between good and evil. Discernment = judgment. Not a bad word. I have said before that “nice people suck”. In this context, of how “nice” people often let themselves be used by evil people, I am speaking. There is a time for everything. Always being “nice” is a sign that you do not understand there is a time to not be “nice”. There is a time to judge. A time to take an unpopular stand. A time to hold evil-doers to account no matter the cost to you. A time to protect the innocent and abused from those who have very successfully hidden their malignancy heretofore. A time for war.
The Bible is filled with descriptions of evil people, and it warns that in the last days, people will be…well…evil (2 Tim 3). It also says that people will appear godly but deny its power and also that they give heed to seducing spirits and doctrines of demons. It says that there are wolves among the sheep. However, if someone speaks up about actual abuse, evil people, wolves in sheep’s clothing…bystanders shush them up and disbelieve it. That doesn’t make sense. Not everyone is evil, but the Bible does describe evil people and we ought to believe that they exist rather than treat them as if they are fantasy characters in a storybook.
The title of this post refers to two types of silent lambs. One is those bystanders who are silent when it comes to confronting evil and defending victims. The other silent lambs are those victims who are silent because no one really listens to them. It is said that Narcissism is on the rise so the chances of you encountering one is increasing. I challenge my readers to learn about Narcissistic abuse so you will not become a victim or be used by abusers to victimize others. I also urge them to stop silencing the victims. Listen. Educate yourself. Be teachable.
Fairy Tales
Many good things happened this week that I have wanted to share, but I have been busy and haven’t taken the time.
I have been spending most of my time crocheting items to sell at Teric’s Treasures, my Etsy store. I am super proud of a couple decorative pillows that I made. It was a complicated pattern, but the pillows turned out beautifully. I made them in a light blue and dark blue. I’d like to someday make one in green and the other in red, but I needed a break so I moved on to making cute hearts that can be used as coasters or strung together in a garland. I also made a really cute Owl cup cozy, but I’m not satisfied with the way it fits our coffee cups so I think I will change the pattern a little. I haven’t yet taken pictures of the hearts (or Owl) but I have taken a picture of the pillows, which I have posted for sale at my store. Oh, and I made a woven heart basket which was constructed very cleverly. It also is posted at the store. Here are the items:
This last week EJ, Danny, and I took several walks through our forest. I always love how Danny just meanders around in our general direction. He loves the little meadow where the deer tend to rest. We know they rest there because the grass is flattened in that area. I also saw more pileated woodpecker damage. I think it’s amazing how they shred a tree.
Earlier in the week I went with JJ to the college because he wanted to buy his books. First, though, he went into the Admissions office to ask why their site lists his status as “Pending.” It prevents him from getting student aid. He was told that the computer is showing that he is missing some…prerequisites or requirements (or something) for admission, but they can’t find anything that he is actually missing so they think it’s a computer error. They have an expert looking into it but they told him not to buy his books until that matter is taken care of. He was a bit disappointment and frustrated.
We’ve had fun celebrating Hanukkah. We light the candles together when we can, but when EJ or JJ are working, I celebrate alone. I’ve only had to celebrate alone once or twice. JJ bought peanut M&Ms earlier in the week so we could play the dreidal game on a night we were all home together, but we ate all the candy before we could play the game. Oh, well.
There is one thing in my week that distressed me:
There is a “heart-melting” video that is making the rounds on FB. It is actually a German commercial and as the accompanying article describes, it “shows an elderly man spending several Christmases alone; with his children providing a different excuse each year: ‘I just wanted to call and let you know that we can’t make it for Christmas this year… we’ll try again next year. It’ll work out, I promise. Merry Christmas Daddy!’ Time passes and tragically the children receive news of their father passing away. The advert shows each child wishing they spent more time with their now departed dad. The children return to the family home to attend his funeral and pay respects; but as they enter the dining room, their father appears and says: ‘How else could I have brought you all together?’
Many seemed to think that this video was heartwarming, touching, true, but it did not melt my heart. Instead, it greatly distressed me. The man in the video was not loving. He was an emotional abuser. How do I know? Because he lied, deceived, and manipulated his children in a terrible way by pretending he was dead. And since he obviously couldn’t call his children to inform them of his “death,” he no doubt drew in others to help him pull off the deception. This is classic Narcissistic Abuse.
When I commented about this to one FB friend, she said, “But the children wanted to be with their dad, left him loving messages, and at the end they laughed and enjoyed a wonderful time together.” However, that was merely a fantasy story created by a skilled storyteller to tug at heart-strings. It is not reality. I would have said nothing, but such a video creates a false reality, encourages a myth, that adds to the pain of parental emotional abuse victims who already have to struggle with the general belief that if there is a schism between parents and adult children it is always the fault of the children. Now that’s not to say that children can’t be abusers. Some are. ANYONE can be abusive. I’m writing about parental abuse because that is my experience and because the video is about an abusive father who lied, deceived, and manipulated his adult children into visiting him.
People are quick to fall for a skillfully-told story. Emotional abusers are excellent storytellers, able to create a false reality in which they can appear extremely loving to others while either making them their victims or drawing them into helping them abuse victims. They escape accountability because their stories are so well-told and people don’t pause long enough to figure out whether or not it’s true.
The Disney movie Tangled is actually a story of emotional abuse, as many fairy tales are. The witch wraps her abuse of Rapunzel in loving-sounding words that can be laughed away if confronted. Only at the end, when Rapunzel understands and opposes the witch does the witch reveal her ugliness, which is the way Narcissists are. The TV series, Once Upon a Time also describes emotional abuse in an episode in which a wicked queen has manipulated her daughter, Regina, into marrying Snow White’s widowed father. In a scene in the video below, the queen very “lovingly” manipulated Snow White into revealing Regina’s secret love (a stable boy) by exploiting Snow White’s love and longing for her own mother. Once Snow White revealed her secret, the queen killed her own daughter’s true love. This caused a lot of pain and ruined lives for years afterwards.
In reality, lies, deceit, and manipulation erode trust and destroy relationships. Just to be clear, I am defining these words in the following way: Lying means not telling the truth. Deceit is creating a false reality–making something appear to be something that it is not. Manipulation is using dishonest tactics–such as lies, deceit, guilt, shame, twisting truth, withholding information–to make others do what you want them to do. Those who use such tactics can make themselves appear to be loving–especially to outsiders–but they actually have a deep selfishness, lack of love, and disrespect of their victims. It’s all about the abuser and what he or she wants, without consideration for others.
In the German video, after he revealed that–surprise!–he’s actually not dead, the Dad asks, “How else could I have brought you all together?” How about with honesty? How about giving your children the freedom to make their own choices? How about choosing a different day for a visit if Christmas doesn’t work. Or maybe the Dad going to visit them? How about asking God to work things out? Duh. Do you understand the complications that could arise from this deception? Finances adversely affected (if they have to miss work or can’t afford a trip), schedules needing to be altered and possibly ruining others’ holiday plans, arranging bereavement days off from work. All for a lie. Let me tell you that a loving family will not need to use lies, deceit, or manipulation to motivate them to spend time together. They will be honest, respectful, and understanding toward each other and allow each other the freedom to make their own decisions based on TRUTH. Dishonest tactics will not draw a dysfunctional family closer. Instead, the victim will end up feeling used, disrespected, angry, resentful, hurt, distrustful. Lies, deceit, and manipulation will drive relationships farther apart until they are eventually destroyed.
Abuse experts say that predators always go where their prey is. This includes human predators. Child molesters, for example, will become teachers, Scout leaders, Sunday School teachers, or clowns at birthday parties–anything that will put them in the path of children. Churches are often the hunting ground of Emotional Abusers because there they find people with a conscience who seek to love and forgive unconditionally. Emotional Abusers usually groom their victims to accept abuse by first pouring on love and acceptance and then by slowly taking it away and eroding self-confidence and self-esteem. I sometimes wonder if abusive church leaders groom their flock to accept abuse by teaching them that they must unconditionally love and forgive even if there is no repentance. By teaching potential victims that it’s unBiblical to defend yourself or hold others accountable, they make their prey powerless to escape. Does this surprise you? Jesus warned that many would come in as wolves among sheep to destroy the flock and that it would increase in the Last Days. Ps. 37 says:
The wicked plots against the righteous and grinds his teeth at him…The wicked have unsheathed their swords, they have strung their bows to bring down the poor and needy, to slaughter those whose way is upright.
I think that one of the most horrendous things is that not only does a victim suffer at the hands of an abuser, but she (or he) also often suffers at the hands of those who disbelieve her and who defend the abuser. Many times Christians will rush to “give grace” and “not judge” the abuser because “he’s wounded” or “he needs to be loved to Christ.” (Here’s an interesting article called An Unholy Alliance: When Mob Forgiveness Meets Selective Grace.)
Meanwhile, victims are told things like
Are you sure you are not overreacting?
How can you say she is abusive? She’s so nice.
I don’t think he’s manipulative. He’s just clueless.
You must have done something to deserve it.
You need to be more loving, more forgiving.
Do not judge.
No one is perfect.
You need to stop being so negative and bitter.
If you see the problem, you are the problem.
You should never give up on anyone.
Your perspective is flawed because you are seeing through the trauma of abuse.
The last one I listed is one that I encountered several times this week. It frustrates me because if someone told me about their challenges of raising special needs children, I’d believe them because they are experiencing it. The same is true if they described their challenges of having a child with a life-threatening disease, or of living on a farm, or of struggles at work, or whatever their experience is. But when it comes to abuse, including the effects of dishonesty on relationships, people assume that the victim’s perspective is skewed because she was wounded. How about believing the victim because she has experienced it and knows firsthand the damage it causes?
Today I read a blog written by a victim of parental narcissistic abuse. Her story is horrendous. In one post she wrote: You would think that if you told someone about the abuse you suffered at the hands of your mother, that person would be understanding and sympathetic. You’d be wrong. Suddenly, you’re the one with the problem because you just can’t see all the things your mother did for you, how hard she worked, how much she sacrificed. Talking to someone like this and getting these responses is like being abused all over again. Why don’t people understand? Why are they so quick to blame the victim when there’s abuse? Why in the world do they question your account of what you suffered at the hands of your Narcissistic parent?
In another post, the blogger shared a link to Project Unbreakable which is a photography project aiming to give a voice to survivors of sexual assault, domestic violence, and child abuse. Victims were photographed holding signs on which they had written things their abusers–or those they confided in–had told them. I went to the site and it was hearbreaking. After sharing the link on her post, the blogger continued,
“I should make a poster that reads the following: “How would you feel if you were gang-raped? You couldn’t handle that.”
This was said to her by her mother after she had told her about the older foster child in her home who molested her.
This blogger also writes a different blog called Narcissists Suck. It’s an extremely thoughtful and well-written blog in which she describes Narcissistic abuse and the Biblical response. A few of her awesome posts include:
No Contact: Because Their Evil is Contagious
From Such Turn Away
The High Cost of Peace At Any Cost
The Voice of God or the Devil: The Expose
Ok, so now back to the German video:
My perspective about this isn’t skewed because I am seeing it only through the eyes of one who has been wounded. Yes, of course, people have different perspectives, beliefs, opinions, interpretations about many things but this isn’t merely about a difference of perspective, belief, opinion or interpretation. While people can debate differences, the Dad in this video LIED about his death. He DECEIVED his children into believing he was dead, and obviously had help since he could hardly contact his children himself to tell them he was dead. HE ALSO MANIPULATED them, using dishonest means to trick them into doing what he wants. Listen! The Bible very clearly reveals God’s view of lies and there’s no room for debate. Proverbs 6:16-19 says:
There are six things Adonai hates,
seven which he detests:
17 a haughty look, a lying tongue,
hands that shed innocent blood,
18 a heart that plots wicked schemes,
feet swift in running to do evil,
19 a false witness who lies with every breath,
and him who sows strife among brothers.
The Bible also says this about lies and truth:
Now, therefore, fear the LORD and serve Him in sincerity and truth (Joshua 24:14)
God is not a man, so he does not lie. (Numbers 23:19)
9 Never lie to one another; because you have stripped away the old self, with its ways, 10 and have put on the new self, which is continually being renewed in fuller and fuller knowledge, closer and closer to the image of its Creator. (Colossians 3:9-12)
We will then no longer be infants tossed about by the waves and blown along by every wind of teaching, at the mercy of people clever in devising ways to deceive. 15 Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in every respect grow up into him who is the head, the Messiah. (Eph 4:14-15)
44 You belong to your father, Satan, and you want to carry out your father’s desires. From the start he was a murderer, and he has never stood by the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he tells a lie, he is speaking in character; because he is a liar — indeed, the inventor of the lie! 45 But as for me, because I tell the truth you don’t believe me. 46 Which one of you can show me where I’m wrong? If I’m telling the truth, why don’t you believe me? 47 Whoever belongs to God listens to what God says; the reason you don’t listen is that you don’t belong to God.” (John 8:44-47)
Woe to those who call evil good
and good evil,
who change darkness into light
and light into darkness,
who change bitter into sweet
and sweet into bitter! (Isa 5:20)
And there are countless other verses. God NEVER condones lies and deceptions. He hates the lying tongue and those who plot evil schemes and causes strife. He instructs us to speak the truth and follow Him in sincerity and truth. Those who tell lies or support liars are not walking in the truth and, at the very least, are adding their voices to Satan’s. Those who call lies “truth” and truth “lies” are in danger, as are those who join with the wicked in oppressing the innocent.
“Truth is life. Lies are deadly. Evil traffics in lies hence evil kills.”
~ Narcissism Sucks
So this video is not a “heart-warming” story of a father’s love for his children and his longing to see them. Take away the wrapping of skillful storytelling and you are left with a horrendous story of abuse.
I Love To Go A Gardening 