I Love To Go A Gardening
Growing Our Life in Northern Michigan
Sticks & Stones
After I wrote my last post about minimizing abuse, I got to thinking a lot of thoughts. I will try to put them into somewhat coherent words although it won’t be easy because they are sometimes more intuitive and abstract than concrete, and sometimes not exactly fully formed, and sometimes I feel them so deeply that I can’t find the words to express them, and sometimes I find them so complicated that putting them into words make them too simplistic. If that makes sense. But I will try because I think it’s important.
I wrote about both Brock Turner’s rape of the unconscious woman and the struggles we have had with my family and now with EJ’s family. In some ways, I understand that they seem not to be related, and it is as if I am comparing a very major form of abuse (rape) with something that is very minor in comparison. And that gets me thinking about the different forms of abuse.
I realize that some forms of abuse seem much more serious than other forms. For example, physical and sexual abuse seems to be much more serious than verbal or emotional abuse. The damage from physical violence must surely be more than mere words, right? And yet if verbal or emotional abuse is so minor than why do so many others feel so damaged by it? And why does the effects of these different forms of abuse all seem to cause similar emotional wounds? On the surface the different forms of abuse seem so different but underneath they seem to be very similar.
When I try to put into words the damage of verbal or emotional abuse, I find myself tripping over my words because it seems as if I am comparing one type of abuse to another, saying one is more damaging and another is less, and I actually think that every form of abuse is damaging. I also think that forms of abuse often overlap so it’s difficult to fully separate one from another. For example, physical abuse is usually accompanied by verbal and emotional abuse, sexual abuse involves physical violence, and so on.
I think that physical, sexual, and even verbal abuse is easier to recognize and understand than emotional abuse, which is more hidden and less obvious although still very damaging. I mean, people can understand that it is abusive to hit, rape, or insult while they often do not recognize or validate emotional abuse. That lack of recognition, understanding, and validation often results in emotional abuse victims being further victimized. Because of this, I will take a moment to describe why emotional abuse is damaging. In doing so, I am in no way comparing or minimizing other forms of abuse but so many people do not recognize emotional abuse that I have to try to put it into words. Just bear with me.
First, verbal and emotional abuse seem very similar, but they are not the same. Verbal abuse is saying terrible things like “You are stupid. You are worthless. You can’t do anything right. You will never amount to anything.” Emotional abuse can involve verbal abuse, of course, but it also is more hidden and subtle which makes it very difficult to recognize or pin down. Emotional abusers are shape-shifters who are very skilled at appearing very sweet, charming, or even spiritual to others while they torture their victims in private. They can use the truth or half truth to tell a lie, they can insult with compliments, they can tear down a person’s self-esteem by pretending it’s all just a joke, they can instill fear by pretending as if they care about their victim’s safety. They manipulate, lie, deceive, gaslight, and guilt…but out of love, just joking. It’s difficult to challenge the abuse when the abuser appears to just be someone who means well and is just trying to do what is best for you.
Emotional abuse is particularly damaging because there are no bones or bruises to prove that it happened. Many people do not see it as abuse because emotional abuse mostly just involves words, and even the old nursery rhyme recognizes that it’s physical abuse that hurts us–not words. Because of this, the victim’s abuse is never recognized or validated. It’s hard even for the victim to recognize this sort of abuse as abusive…at least at first. By the time the victim begins to recognize that, yes, this really is abuse, she has already been very damaged by it.
So this made me begin to ponder if words were really less damaging than “sticks and stones” and if emotional abuse was a less serious form of abuse and, if so, why so many victims are so totally damaged from it. And then I thought that words are actually probably one of the most powerful forces in the universe.
God spoke the heavens and the earth into existence with words. Words create reality. Words can heal or destroy, they can break a heart or mend it, they can strengthen or weaken, they can bring about hope or despair, they can instill courage or fear, they can cause victory or defeat, they can cause the rise or fall of world leaders and of nations, they can bring life or death. Hitler, with his words, inflamed hatred and brought about the death of millions. Churchill gave courage to his people with his words: “We shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be,” he said. “We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender.” The people were strengthened to fight back against the Nazi regime because of those words. The words of the Bible has changed the world and affects all of eternity. The Bible has this to say about words:
The tongue [i.e., words] has power over life and death; those who indulge it must eat its fruit. (Prov. 18:21)
The tongue is a fire, a world of wickedness. The tongue is so placed in our body that it defiles every part of it, setting ablaze the whole of our life; and it is set on fire by Gei-Hinnom itself. For people have tamed and continue to tame all kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and sea creatures; but the tongue no one can tame — it is an unstable and evil thing, full of death-dealing poison! With it we bless Adonai, the Father; and with it we curse people, who were made in the image of God. (James 3:6-9)
And that is why verbal and emotional abuse is so dangerous and damaging: Long after bones and bruises have healed, the words are still within a person causing deep, deep damage. Using “only” words, the abusers create a false reality that strike at the very core of a person’s identity.
I don’t believe there is a “minor” form of abuse. In fact, I believe that abuse of every sort is incredibly damaging because in every form of abuse the real assault is not the bruises and broken bones, which heal after a few weeks. The real assault–in physical, sexual, verbal, or emotional abuse–is against a person’s inner self, her (or his) identity, and this assault damages her sense of value, security, perceptions, ability to trust, faith, world view, and relationships. Abuse is a form of murder–soul murder. In a physical murder, it doesn’t matter what the weapon is–whether it’s martial arts, arrows, bullets, explosions, poison–they all destroy their victim. Dead is dead. The same is true in soul murder. No matter what method is used, the destruction to the person’s inner self is the same.
While outwardly the rape is much more horrendous than EJ’s family’s minimization of their brother’s toxic behavior, in many ways it’s not minor because accepting without challenge the dismissing, excusing, justifying, or minimization of abuse and blaming victims in “small” ways creates a climate in which the minimization of abuse can grow stronger and destroy many others. Although one action is more horrendous than another, the mentality behind it is the same. As C.S. Lewis explained:
One man may be so placed that his anger sheds the blood of thousands, and another so placed that however angry he gets he will only be laughed at. But the little mark on the soul may be much the same in both. Each has done something to himself which, unless he repents, will make it harder for him to keep out of the rage next time he is tempted, and will make the rage worse when he does fall into it. Each of them, if he seriously turns to God, can have that twist in the central man straightened out again: each is, in the long run, doomed if he will not. The bigness or smallness of the thing, seen from the outside, is not what really matters.
In addition, I think that every form of abuse causes ripples that affects many, many others. Brock Turner’s primary victim was the woman he raped, but his action also ripples out to affect everyone touched by it, including family and friends, both hers and his, and widens to include all those who are touched by the situation. It also ripples ahead to affect future generations. Abuse in my family began at least with my grandparents–if not before–and the ripples have affected my Mom and her siblings, and also her children, and her grandchildren, causing pain and wounds and divisions and tearing apart relationships. The same is also true in EJ’s family. It’s probably impossible to trace the original act of abuse or trauma that caused the ripples that affect so many. A “small” ripple in the past may grow into a tsunami of trauma in the future. So I think no abusive act is minor because small abuses, if left unchallenged, ripple into bigger ones.
I’ve read many articles and victim’s comments at websites such as A Cry for Justice, which addresses abuse in the evangelical church. Many in the church who deny, excuse, justify, or minimize abuse actually believe that they are following God. So if a person sincerely believes he is following God does that mean that his actions are not abusive? Hmmm.
Ok, this is complicated and tricky to explain. I think an abusive act is abusive even if a person does it ignorantly because he is still causing damage to others. However, how a person responds when he begins to encounter truth matters and affects the path of his life. For example, the Apostle Paul originally persecuted those who followed Jesus. Acts 8:3 says that he was “ravaging the church, and entering house after house, he dragged off men and women and committed them to prison.” Pause here and imagine the suffering his actions caused. In 1 Timothy 1:13 Paul wrote that “formerly I was a blasphemer, persecutor, and insolent opponent. But I received mercy because I had acted ignorantly in unbelief.” Although what Paul did caused others much suffering, once he encountered the truth, he repented and he received mercy. His whole life change.
However, many in the church are spiritually arrogant. They think they know more truth than others. They refused to hear, they refuse to see, they refuse to learn. I have encountered several such people, some of them church leaders. They are frustrating because they consider themselves to be so spiritually wise that they refuse to be teachable. You can’t tell them anything. They end up suppressing the truth. As Romans 1:22 says, “Claiming to be wise, they became fools…” and 2 Timothy 3:5 says that they have the appearance of godliness, but deny its power. I think these types of people at worst become abusers and at best aid the abusers in oppressing others. I think these people share in the guilt of the abuse.
Ok, here’s a personal story: As a child, I really did not recognize the dysfunctions in my family because I had grown up in it. It was normal. Plus, because I was compliant, my Mom showed me only her “nice” self. When I got engaged to EJ, my Mom tried to establish great control over me. I resisted. At that point, I encountered her very mean self–the self that manipulated, lied, insulted, and smeared my reputation. For a long time I struggled with whether she knew what she was doing or was she just a wounded person who feared losing me. This is a question that most victims of Narcissistic abuse struggle with–do they know what they are doing? Years later I learned that, yes, they do know what they are doing. The abuse is deliberate. But in the early years, I didn’t know and I wept that it didn’t really matter whether my Mom knew what she was doing or not–the damage was still the same. I began to research abuse. One day, I realized that I was a part of the family dynamic and I, also, had caused damage to some of my siblings. Even though I knew that I had done it ignorantly, I had still caused damage. The horror was almost more than I could bear. I believe that what I did at that point is what determined whether or not I was/became an abuser myself. Instead of denying my part in the family abuse, instead of excusing or minimizing it, I repented of my actions. Like Paul, “I received mercy because I had acted ignorantly in unbelief.” My acknowledgement of wrong-doing did not stop the abuse or heal the relationships. However, I began to walk on a different path that led me away from my family’s abuse and toward healing. I think that that is a major difference between an abuser and a non-abuser. An abuser is arrogant, believing he is wiser than others. He deliberately suppresses truth and deceives. He intentionally causes harm. He refuses to acknowledge his own wrongdoings and he refuses to change.
Ok. I hope this mess of thoughts make some sort of sense. They are a bit unformed and tangled.
Minimizers
There is a story I have been recently reading in the news that is breaking my heart. A young woman accompanied her sister to a party. I believe she was reluctant to go, but she was protective of her younger sister so she went along. The next thing she knew, she was waking up in the hospital where she was told that she had been brutally raped behind a dumpster while she was unconscious. (Although it was not stated, I wonder if she had been given a date rape drug.) Two Stanford University graduate students biking across campus spotted and apprehended a 20-year-old freshman “thrusting his body on top of her unconscious body.” The sight was so brutal that the rescuers cried. In March, a California jury found the 20-year-old rapist, Brock Turner, guilty of three counts of sexual assault. Turner faced a maximum of 14 years in state prison but he was sentenced to six months in county jail and probation. The judge said he feared a longer sentence would have a “severe impact” on Turner, a champion swimmer who once aspired to compete in the Olympics — a point repeatedly brought up during the trial.
Many people have been outraged by the light sentence the judge gave for such a brutal rape. And they should be. When a judge gives more mercy and compassion to the unrepentant criminal than to the innocent victim, it is not a beautiful act of grace but rather a perversion and miscarriage of justice. All it teaches the unrepentant wicked is that they got away with their crime. In fact, the wicked often see unconditional love and forgiveness as a weakness that they can exploit. Isaiah 26:10 says:
But when grace is shown to the wicked, they do not learn righteousness; even in a land of uprightness they go on doing evil and do not regard the majesty of the LORD.
God is a merciful, gracious, and just God. Many see justice and mercy as opposites of each other, and they think God is cruel to judge the wicked. However, actually true justice is very merciful…to the innocent, to the oppressed, to the afflicted, to the vulnerable. God cares deeply for the needy and oppressed and He promises that He will deliver them. God gives grace and mercy to the repentant as well but the Bible says that He is angry with the (unrepentant) wicked every day. There is a difference between the unrepentant wicked and the repentant sinner who acknowledges his wrongdoing. Proverbs 17:15 says::
He who justifies the wicked and he who condemns the righteous —
both alike are an abomination to Adonai. (Prov. 17:15)
People are also outraged by a letter that the rapist’s father read at the sentencing defending his son. While it is understandable that the father loves his son, he excused and minimized his son’s actions in the letter, even describing the rape as a mere “20 minutes of action.” In fact, he doesn’t mention the word “rape” at all even though his son was caught in the act. He speaks of the dangers of alcohol consumption and sexual promiscuity–but not everyone who drinks chooses to rape and promiscuity is not rape. Promiscuity is consensual; rape is not. He speaks of breaking the cycle of binge drinking and its unfortunate results without stating that the “unfortunate results” was his son’s decision to rape an innocent woman. He speaks of how this has affected his son, but not about how his son’s raping the woman affected her life. Here is a portion of the letter. You can read the full letter HERE.
I am writing this letter to tell you about my son Brock and the person that I know he is. First of all, let me say that Brock is absolutely devastated by the events of January 17th and 18th 2015. He would do anything to turn back the hands of time and have that night to do over again. In many one-on-one conversations with Brock since that day, I can tell you that he is truly sorry for what occurred that night and for all the pain and suffering that it has caused for all of those involved and impacted by that night. He has expressed true remorse for his actions on that night. Living under that same roof with Brock since this incident, I can tell you firsthand the devastating impact that it has had on my son. Before I elaborate more, I would like to share some memories of my son that demonstrate the quality of his character….
As it stands now, Brock’s life has been deeply altered forever by the events of Jan 17th and 18th. He will never be his happy go lucky self with that easy going personality and welcoming smile. His every waking minute is consumed with worry, anxiety, fear, and depression. You can see this in his face, the way he walks, his weakened voice, his lack of appetite. Brock always enjoyed certain types of food and is a very good cook himself. I was always excited to buy him a big rib eye steak to grill or to get his favorite snack for him. I had to make sure to hide some of my favorite pretzels or chips because I knew they wouldn’t be around long after Brock walked in from a long swim practice. Now he barely consumes any food and eats only to exist.
These verdicts have broken and shattered him and our family in so many ways. His life will never be the one that he dreamed about and worked so hard to achieve. That is a steep price to pay for 20 minutes of action out of his 20 plus years of life. The fact that he now has to register as a sexual offender for the rest of his life forever alters where he can live, visit, work, and how he will be able to interact with people and organizations. What I know as his father is that incarceration is not the appropriate punishment for Brock. He has no prior criminal history and has never been violent to anyone including his actions on the night of Jan 17th 2015. Brock can do so many positive things as a contributor to society and is totally committed to educating other college age students about the dangers of alcohol consumption and sexual promiscuity. By having people like Brock educate others on college campuses is how society can begin to break the cycle of binge drinking and its unfortunate results. Probation is the best answer for Brock in this situation and allows him to give back to society in a net positive way.
Very Respectfully,
Dan A. Turner
Alexandra Ozeri, one person who was angered by the Dad’s minimizing letter, “fixed” the letter by adding her comments to the minimizing statements so that they acknowledged accountability for the wrong done to the victim. Her additions are in blue. Here it is:
As it stands now, Brock’s life has been deeply altered forever by the events (raping an unconscious woman) of Jan 17th and 18th. He will never be his happy go lucky self with that easy going personality and welcoming smile that was there the whole time he was raping a young woman thinking he wouldn’t get caught.
His every waking minute is consumed with not taking responsibility for the rape he committed. You can see this in his face, the way he walks, the fact that he took the girl he raped to trial and blamed it on her, his weakened voice, his lack of appetite.
Brock always enjoyed certain types of food before he raped someone and is a very good cook himself. I was always excited to buy him a big rib eye steak to grill, but it just wasn’t the same after he raped an innocent young woman. I had to make sure to hide some of my favourite pretzels or chips because I knew they wouldn’t be around long after Brock walked in from swim practice, but these cute details don’t have anything to do with the rape he committed. Now he barely consumes any foods and eats only to exist because he screwed his own life and many other lives up by raping someone.
The verdicts have broken and shattered him and our family in so many ways, because our son is now a rapist. His life will never be the one that he dreamed about and worked so hard to achieve, the one where he gets to rape a beautiful strong human being and then go back to his swim meet.
This is a steep price to pay for 20 minutes of action i.e. raping someone out of his 20 plus years of life. This isn’t like the three second rule for food, rape still counts no matter how many seconds it lasts. This is rape.
The fact that he now has to register as a sexual offender for the rest of his life forever alters where he can live, visit, work, rape, and how he will be able to interact with people who don’t want to be raped and organisations who don’t want their employees to be raped.
What I know as his father is that incarceration is not the punishment for Brock, but a longer punishment meant for a rapist. He has no prior criminal history (aside from this rape) and has never been violent to anyone (except for the rape) including his “actions” (and you know what that means – rape) on the night of Jan 17th 2015. Bringing up the fact that this was only his first rape is like bringing up that it’s somebody’s first murder or first terror attack, so it’s still a crime.
Brock can do so many positive things as a contributor to society, but instead he chose to rape someone, and is totally committed to educating other college students about the dangers of alcohol consumption and sexual promiscuity, which is irrelevant because he should be talking about how he shouldn’t have raped someone.
By having people like Brock educate others on college campuses is how society can begin to break the cycle of drinking and its unfortunate results and get misinformation from a rapist with a light sentence.
Probation is the best answer for Brock in this situation and allows him to give back to society in an unjust and seriously creepy way.
Very respectfully and ignorantly,
Dan A. (father of a rapist) Turner
Although Brock Turner was caught in the act of raping the woman, he dragged her through a trial in which she was asked intrusive questions that placed the blame for the rape on her. If he was truly “filled with remorse” he would not have done this. At the sentencing, the victim addressed her rapist directly, reading a powerful letter she had written describing the severe impact his actions had on her — from the night she learned she had been assaulted by a stranger while unconscious, to the grueling trial during which Turner’s attorneys argued that she had “eagerly consented.” You can read it HERE. I suggest that you do so you understand the brutality of what he did to her and the perversion of justice that occurred when he was sentenced to only 6 months in jail.
This story has upset me because in every form of abuse, victims are typically blamed for the abuse and the abusive actions are minimized. Not only does the abuser blame his victim and minimize his abuse, but often family and friends do as well. When victims seek help, they typically hear such statements as:
I can’t believe he/she is abusive! He/she is so nice. (Abusers are shapeshifters who often appear nice in public while they abuse their victims in private.- Are you sure you aren’t over-reacting?
- It doesn’t sound so bad.
- Other people have it worse.
- But he didn’t hit you…
- You must have done something to provoke it.
- You shouldn’t have…..
- The abuser is just wounded. You need to love or forgive him/her more.
And so on. These types of statements validate what the abuser is telling the victim and makes it even harder to escape the abuser. If a person hears over and over again from everyone in her life that she is to blame for the abuse, that she is over-reacting, that she is taking it wrong, and that she provoked the abuse…guess what? She will start to believe it.
I, myself, endured these types of blaming/minimizing statements when I struggled with my family’s emotional abuse. It kept me in the abuse longer because I thought that it was my fault. I wasn’t enough. I needed to be more loving. I needed to forgive them more. They were just wounded and didn’t know better. It was only when I began learning about abuse, and that it’s impossible to have any sort of relationship with an unrepentant abuser, that I was finally able to escape.
And now we have encountered similar victim-blaming and minimizing behavior from EJ’s family. I am going to again write about it because it is so very important to understand the dynamics of abuse and of victim-blaming and minimizing so that we don’t do it and add to the pain of the victims. Although EJ and I kept the matter with his relative private for years, I believe that there is a time to be silent and a time to speak out (Prov. 31:8-9). Evil loves silence and as Edmund Burke said, “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” It deeply matters to me that victims are further victimized by those who excuse, justify, minimize, and defend abusers and abuse. I do not think EJ’s family will hear, but I will speak about this in order to educate others because the probability is very high that every one of us has or will either experience abuse or know someone who is experiencing abuse. We need to educate ourselves on abuse so we will recognize abuse and know what to do and not do, how to help and not help. We need to stop blaming the victims and excusing the abusers!
As I have written before, I believe that EJ, JJ, and I are suffering from forms of PTSD. It is my understanding that there are two types of PTSD. One is caused by sudden short-term trauma, such as car accidents, natural disasters, or rape. Another type is complex PTSD, which is caused by long-term trauma or stress, such as chronic stress or long-term abuse. We believe that we are all suffering from PTSD from all the difficulties we have experienced for so many years. Sometimes we say to each other that we could never adequately describe to anyone the things we have experienced and survived.
We each suffer a variety of symptoms, some that are similar and some that are different. For example, we all suffer from anxiety and occasional panic attacks, JJ and I suffer from insomnia, and EJ has added physical symptoms. Since we have moved north, we have been gaining strength but stressful situations tend to trigger anxiety. EJ had a routine appointment with his doctor a week or so ago and because she is helping him with his anxiety, he told her about the severe panic attack that was triggered when he learned that his relative’s actions toward our son 12 years ago had been typical victim-grooming behavior of a molester. As he described the situation the doctor repeatedly said, “That is really not good” and she completely agreed with the abuse experts that I had talked to that EJ’s relative’s actions were definitely typical victim-grooming behavior of a molester.
EJ’s siblings had pressured us to have full contact with their relative rather than accept the boundaries of limited contact that we had set for our own family. We didn’t feel that we needed to warn the family of their relative’s lack of integrity–they could decide for themselves how to address it if they wanted to–but when we learned that his behavior was victim-grooming, we felt it was important to alert them to protect any children he came in contact with from possible harm. When we did, the family turned on us and again accused us of being unloving, ungracious, unforgiving, and unChristlike for limiting our exposure to him. One wrote in a group chat that “apparently” I didn’t know that they had been raised to love and support family. None of the family knew the details of what happened–because I had learned from my own family situation how people tend to minimize, justify, and excuse abuse and I didn’t want to have to defend myself against more minimizing statements. Also, we didn’t want to humiliated the relative’s adult children. One sister minimized her relative’s behavior as “possibly being victim-grooming but it also could be completely innocent.” Again, she knew no details of what had happened so how could she possibly judge whether it was “innocent” or not?
I’d like to re-emphasize that EJ and I have had limited contact with the brother for 12 years. In all that time, none of the family knew that we had a problem with the brother because we kept the matter private, we didn’t make a major issue of it, we didn’t gossip to the other members of the family, we didn’t pressure anyone to adhere to the boundaries we quietly set for ourselves, we didn’t set up a situation in which family members felt they had to take sides, and we were not cruel to the brother in any way. The rare times we encountered him at family gatherings, we were polite to him. If we had realized that his behavior was victim-grooming, we would have alerted the family years ago, but we didn’t know and since JJ had said his uncle had not hurt him, we just quietly set our boundaries of low contact. His interaction with our son had “creeped us out” and we also did not want him in our lives because of his other toxic behavior that we had either personally experienced or learned about from other sources.
For several years, I had administered a family group at Facebook. I did not add the relative because I had blocked him on my personal FB page and couldn’t add him, and EJ didn’t want him to know our private contact information after we moved, which was shared in the group. I also didn’t want to make things uncomfortable for other family members who had also been hurt by the relative. I never really had much contact with the relative even before he lived with us other than at family gatherings, so my non-contact was not a problem and he wasn’t really even aware of it. EJ continued to have limited interaction with his relative via Facebook and an occasional phone call. No one in the family realized in all those years that the relative was not a member of the FB group until last winter when a sister asked her relative for his address in the group and I privately told her that he was not a member. I did not tell her details, merely mentioning that we had had a problem with him years ago and that we had little contact with him. EJ and I think it’s very telling that although I had not mentioned our son, she immediately asked “Did he hurt JJ?”
A few weeks ago, in a 24 hour period, three family members pressured us to add the relative to the group. In 12 years they didn’t realize that we had low contact with him, and for several years they were totally unaware that he wasn’t a member of the FB group, yet a few months after the one sister discovered his exclusion from the group, suddenly three family members were insisting we add him? Obviously, there was gossip and a planned attempt to pressure us. Because of the public pressure, other family members became aware of the situation, sides were taken, and relationships were adversely affected. Who was the cause of all this upheaval? Not us. None of this had happened for the TWELVE YEARS we had quietly set our boundaries. The turmoil came only when the family discovered the matter and instead of keeping it private, they made it an issue and meddled.
But we urge you, brothers, to do this more and more, and to aspire to live quietly, and to mind your own affairs… (I Thess 5:10-11)
But let none of you suffer as a murderer or a thief or an evildoer or as a meddler. (1 Peter 4:15)
We were accused of not loving or supporting family. But true love does not engage in “group think”–it does not pressure others to believe, think, and act the same. True love allows others the freedom to make their own choices even if you disagree with them. That’s called “free will.” True love doesn’t disrespect others’ boundaries and decisions. True love doesn’t gossip. And true love does not protect and defend an abusive relative while condemning the righteous one.
And, yes, I would say that my husband is a righteous man. Jesus says by their fruit you will know them and my husband’s “fruit” is indicative of a righteous person. He has great integrity and he is very faithful, gentle, humble, compassionate, and generous. Through the years, he has helped most (if not all) of his relatives at various times when they were in need. Many times he generously and sacrificially helped them anonymously. He has never cheated, manipulated them, stolen from them, or taken advantage of them. On the contrary, their relative has manipulated, cheated, stolen, vandalized, been immoral, and is very likely a molester. If you were to protect, defend, support, or at the very least give the benefit of the doubt to one of these brothers, which do you think it should be?
I like what the Professor said in the book, The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe when the other children didn’t believe their sister Lucy’s story about Narnia.
‘How do you know,’ [the Professor] asked, ‘that your sister’s story is not true?’
‘Oh, but-‘ began Susan, and then stopped. Anyone could see from the old man’s face that he was perfectly serious. Then Susan pulled herself together and said, ‘but Edmund said they had only been pretending.’
‘That is a point,’ said the Professor, “which certainly deserves consideration; very careful consideration. For instance – if you will excuse me for asking the question – does your experience lead you to regard your brother or your sister as the more reliable? I mean, which is the more truthful?’
‘That’s just the funny thing about it, sir,’ said Peter. “Up till now, I’d have said Lucy every time.’
‘And what do you think, my dear?’ said the Professor, turning to Susan.
‘Well,’ said Susan, ‘in general, I’d say the same as Peter, but this couldn’t be true – all this about the wood and the Faun.’
‘That is more than I know,’ said the Professor, ‘and a charge of lying against someone you have always found truthful is a very serious thing; a very serious thing indeed.’
‘We were afraid it mightn’t even be lying,’ said Susan; ‘we thought there might be something wrong with Lucy.’
‘Madness, you mean?’ said the Professor quite coolly. “Oh, you can make your minds easy about that. One has only to look at her and talk to her to see that she is not mad.’
‘But then,’ said Susan, and stopped. She had never dreamed that a grown-up would talk like the Professor and didn’t know what to think.
‘Logic!’ said the Professor half to himself. ‘Why don’t they teach logic at these schools? There are only three possibilities. Either your sister is telling lies, or she is mad, or she is telling the truth. You know she doesn’t tell lies and it is obvious that she is not mad. For the moment then and unless any further evidence turns up, we must assume that she is telling the truth.’
EJ relatives declare that they have family love, but their actions toward my husband–who is also their relative–and me is extremely unloving and unmerciful. They have gossiped among themselves, pressured us to violate the boundaries we set for the protection of our own family, supported and defended the “dishonorable” relative, and their actions have caused turmoil and division, has hurt my husband deeply, and affected relationships within the family. I know I’m repeating myself, but I want to drive it home. Is THIS truly family love and support? I think not.
Ok, but is it unloving or unbiblical to have little or no contact with an abusive person? NO. God, who is merciful, gracious, and just, says He deeply cares about the needy, afflicted, and oppressed. He says He came to set the prisoners free and He promises to protect and defend victims of the wicked. Never would He force a victim of abuse to remain in the power and torment of a wicked person. Look at a few of many verses on the topic:
What I wrote you was not to associate with anyone who is supposedly a brother but who also engages in sexual immorality, is greedy, worships idols, is abusive, gets drunk or steals. With such a person you shouldn’t even eat! For what business is it of mine to judge outsiders? Isn’t it those who are part of the community that you should be judging? God will judge those who are outside. Just expel the evildoer from among yourselves. (1 Cor. 5:11-13).
Moreover, understand this: in the Last Days will come trying times. People will be self-loving, money-loving, proud, arrogant, insulting, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, uncontrolled, brutal, hateful of good, traitorous, headstrong, swollen with conceit, loving pleasure rather than God, as they retain the outer form of religion but deny its power. Stay away from these people! (2 Timothy 3:1-5)
As for a person who stirs up division, after warning him once and then twice, have nothing more to do with him, knowing that such a person is warped and sinful; he is self-condemned. (Titus 3:10-11)
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Sadly it is very typical of dysfunctional families that when a person begins to set boundaries or to speak out against abuse, the others quickly rush to defend the abuser and to condemn the victim. Many times, even when they actually witness the abuse they will defend the abuser. This doesn’t just happen in families. It also happens in many churches and other groups. This is wrong. We all are ignorant about various things and we all make mistakes but I believe that those who knowingly aid a wicked person shares in his guilt.
It really breaks my heart whenever the wicked are defended and protected and the innocent are condemned.
“You shall not spread a false report. You shall not join hands with a wicked man to be a malicious witness. You shall not fall in with the many to do evil, nor shall you bear witness in a lawsuit, siding with the many, so as to pervert justice, nor shall you be partial to a poor man in his lawsuit. (Exodus 23:1-3)
Chicken Run
It feels like I haven’t written in forever. Mostly it’s because I began to have problems with my laptop overheating a couple of weeks ago. After only a couple of minutes, I could feel the heat building up and almost burning my fingers. I was afraid that it would cause a meltdown so I ended up taking my laptop to a repair shop. They “blew out” the accumulated dust, crumbs, and cat hair. I told them that most of the icons on my taskbar had disappeared and the others didn’t work, so they kept my laptop. Fortunately, EJ let me use his laptop when he was at work or sleeping so I wasn’t completely without the use of a computer.
The repair shop “refreshed” my laptop which basically means that they took it back to its factory settings. They said that most of the programs I had installed would be gone, but I’d still have my photos and documents, which is what I cared mostly about. When I got my laptop back a few days later, however, all the photos, videos, and documents were gone. 😦 No, I hadn’t backed them up because every time I tried, JJ would complain that my uploading was affecting his ability to get online.) I was sad that everything was gone–although I still had the stuff I had uploaded to FB and this blog. I remembered after a bit that my computer had two accounts (a glitch that happened when Windows 10 was downloaded and installed) and I realized that the laptop was automatically signing onto the other account rather than the account that had my photos. With the help of Microsoft Tech Support, I was able to sign on to the other account and–Yay!–all my photos and everything was still there! Tech support also helped me delete the other account so it won’t be a problem again. I’ve been busy trying to reinstall my various programs and such. I still have a few small problems which I will contact Tech Support about to help me resolve.
Now I am uploading my photos to the “cloud” to back them up. I think JJ now realizes the importance of my doing so.
We have accepted an offer on our old house! With all the effort and money we have poured into the old house, it is disappointing at how little we are selling it for. However, at least we won’t have money going the wrong way–on utilities, lawn care, and our loan. The buyer is paying cash for the house, so I won’t be totally relieved until we actually have the check in our hands–because I know things can always go wrong. Every time I see a severe storm warning for that area, I find myself praying that it doesn’t damage the house and prevent the sale. Meanwhile, we have taken several trips downstate to get the rest of our possessions out of the house. Mostly they are EJ’s tools and other stuff that was in the basement or garage. Some of the items were large–such as toolboxes, file cabinets, ice fishing sleds, etc. which took up space in our vehicles so we have had to made multiple trips. The only items left in the other parts of the house was our elliptical, treadmill and some old bookcases. We gave the treadmill and bookcases to our neighbors the last time we were at the house so we didn’t have to try to transport them. It’s very exhausting to drive several hundred miles to the house, work for several hours, and then drive back and unload everything. We will be totally relieved to get out from under the burden of the house and to cut our ties with the life downstate.
After I read that the chickens consider me part of their flock, and that sometimes the Alpha chicken (usually a rooster) will try to seize dominance over their human member, and that it’s important that we don’t let him because he will turn mean and attack, I carry a cane with a rubber “foot” on it whenever I go into the pen. I call it my “rooster whacker.” Whenever it looks as if the Alpha rooster is getting a little sassy and rebellious, I give him a gentle but firm push to let him know that he is NOT the boss. So far he’s been pretty good. EJ jokes that I’ve become a “sadistic guard” but I really don’t hurt the rooster at all. They are much harder on each other than I am on them. It really is in the rooster’s best interest to learn to not sass because if he turns mean….! His fate will not be good.
Last week as we were putting the birds to “bed” for the night, one of the younger chickens sort of half flew, half climbed partway up the side of the cage. Afterwards, the roosters kept looking up as if they were plotting their escape. I thought, “Oh, my goodness, they really do plot to escape just like in the Dreamworks movie Chicken Run! EJ and I realized that we needed to put netting over the top ASAP to prevent their escape. We hadn’t yet gotten any netting so we used the snow fencing we had bought to put up along our driveway in the winter. I took this video while EJ was fastening the fence to the other side of the cage:
Last night I was late putting the birds to bed. I usually herd them into the garage at 9 p.m., but it was 9:30 p.m. before I realized that I hadn’t done it yet. So I went out to the garage and found that they had all put themselves to bed. The ducks were in the bottom of the coop and the ten chickens were all in the upper story of the coop. I laughed and closed the large garage door.
We finally bought a swimming pool for our ducks. EJ built a nice wooden ramp for them so they could easily get into it…but they totally ignored it. So yesterday I dug a level shallow hole the size of the pool, set the pool into it, and used the extra dirt to build a dirt ramp around the pool, and then the ducks got into the pool. They quickly get the water dirty so I dump it out and refill it every day.
JJ has begun working in the deli at the grocery store. The deli people all really like him and kept asking that he work with them. He says he likes it. Today he texted me: “They [the manager] called me into the office and told me I was doing a fantastic job and that the night managers had nothing but good things to say about me, and to keep up the good work.” He said he got a 50 cent raise. Woo hoo!
My Tribe
This morning I took my camera with me when I went out to the garage to care for the ducks so that I could try to video our young rooster’s early attempts at crowing. I actually got him crowing THREE times on camera. It doesn’t sound like much of a crow, but he’s new at it. I’m sure he will improve with practice.
The other day I learned about the society of chickens, which is a hierarchical pattern of behavior in a flock. Basically it means that there is a “boss” bird who is in charge and all of the rest of the chickens fall in line under him depending on their rank within the flock. The boss–or alpha–bird can either be a rooster, if your flock has one, or a dominate hen will fill the role if you don’t. If there is more than one rooster, they will battle for dominance.
In a flock composed entirely of hens, there will be one dominant female who will establish herself as the alpha in the absence of a rooster. Younger birds are typically lower in the hierarchy, and older or more aggressive birds will rise to the top. If a rooster is later added to the flock, the alpha hen may continue to hold rank, even over the rooster if he is young.
The alpha has first choice on food, first access to feeders and water, the best treats, favorite nesting boxes, preferred dust bathing spots, and the highest roosting spots. Alpha chickens will maintain this control through clucks, stance, and the occasional peck. The alpha takes responsibility for making sure the flock dynamics are upheld. She makes sure everyone not only stays in line, but leads the way when it comes to foraging for food, seeking shelter, and warning the others of danger.
I think the most interesting thing I learned is that chickens consider humans to be a member of their flock, which places us in their pecking order. Sometimes a rooster will try to challenge a human by dancing around him with its wings out and charging towards him. If they do that, they are trying to dominate the human. This is when the human needs to establish dominance. If the rooster feels he has established dominance, some will peck and jump at the human with their spurs and will attack if he turns his back on the rooster. An aggressive chicken can cause some pretty painful wounds. If a chicken becomes too aggressive, he may have to be killed or given away.
Ok, that’s probably more than you wanted to learn about chickens, but I thought it was interesting. Now that I’ve learned that my chickens consider me part of their flock, I always say, “Hello, Tribe!” when I go out to visit them. I watch for aggressive behavior so I can stop it immediately but so far we are all good. It’s fun having the chickens and ducks all run up to me when they see me.
After I cared for my Tribe this morning, I was leaving their cage when I heard a fluttering noise. I looked around and saw that one of the young chickens had gotten out. She’s lucky she didn’t get eaten by the two outdoor cats. I opened the cage door and she ran right in to join her peers. I think that one of the other older chickens was probably pecking at her and she had fluttered and gotten out through one of the wider gaps in the cage. I blocked all the gaps–mostly near the door. In a few days she will be bigger and won’t fit through them.
Later in the morning I went outside to the rock pile and twice filled the wheelbarrow with rocks. I wheeled each load down the driveway a bit and stacked the rocks into more little dams to slow the rush of water when it rains. I feel like a child building rock dams. My dams look like this:
While I was throwing the stones into the wheelbarrow, I was thrilled to find two interesting stones. We are always finding interesting stones. One was a good-sized Petoskey stone about the size of my hand! The other looked like a honeycomb or something.
Down at our old house, we had a beautiful large lilac bush. I love lilacs and was sad to leave it behind. However, I am thrilled that we have THREE lilac bushes at our new house! One is the same medium lilac color that we had downstate. There is also a bush with darker purple lilacs and a bush with lighter lilacs. I am very blessed!
Fangorn Forest
Today was Memorial Day in the USA. It is a day to honor fallen soldiers. We always really enjoyed the Memorial Day celebrations in the little village we used to live in. They had one of the best, most honoring, Memorial Day celebrations I had ever seen. The focus was entirely on the veterans. Everyone would gather at the VFW where veterans gave short speeches. Then there was a parade of the local band, the Boy Scout troop, and the veterans from the various wars walking (or riding if they were too old) from the VFW to the cemetery. The townspeople walked alongside. At the cemetery, there was a nice ceremony as wreaths were laid at the memorials.
We are not yet sure where to find Memorial Day celebrations in our new area. We couldn’t find any this year–which doesn’t mean that they don’t have any, we just didn’t know where to look. I’m sure we will become more familiar with what the area offers; it just takes time.
Yesterday we sort of had a cookout with hamburgers, hot dogs, and all the other traditional foods. Only, we couldn’t actually grill the burgers and hot dogs because it was MUCH too windy. We cooked them on the stove instead. We had guests and we were going to take them on a walk through our forest, but we heard the high wind push down a tree in the forest, so we decided to just walk down the driveway. The high wind also broke the umbrella of our patio table. Despite this, we had a really good time.
Today we mostly just took it easy.
When I opened the garage door this morning to care for the chickens and ducks, I heard the strangest noise. It almost sounded like the horn of an old car or a strange scream–a ERRRR noise. After I heard it a few times, I realized that it was one of the roosters trying to crow. I told him that with a bit of practice, I’m sure he would learn to do better. I wanted to video his new crow, but after I ran to get my camera, I didn’t hear him again.
The younger chickens were emptying their water before I could get out there in the mornings even though I had put the large water dish in their coop. So I decided this morning that they were old enough to be released from their coop and join the older birds. Outside of the coop they’d have access to more water, as well as more food. They were nervous to be outside the coop and kept together as a group, but I’m sure they will soon be right at home.
Later, EJ did a few things around the house. I did laundry and hung the clothes on the line. I also took several wheelbarrow loads of stones to place along the sides of the driveway. We have to build a bunch of small stone dams along the driveway to slow the rush of water when it rains so gullies don’t form.
Last night and today I had a few anxiety attacks from the extra stress we’ve had lately. So late this afternoon EJ took me for a drive. First he drove me past the house we almost bought. We had placed an offer on the house, but the sellers decided they didn’t want to sell it after all. That house was ok, but I’m glad that deal fell apart because I love the house and property we bought much, much more.
Afterwards we decided to drive to a couple of nature areas. The first one was a beautiful little pond. In the middle of the pond was a bird that at first we thought was a pelican, but which we later identified as a swan. We forgot our binoculars so it was really hard to tell what it was at first. The pond had a dam with a stream rushing out of it. There were steps along the dam that led down into a beautiful forest of trees with tangled roots. I’m not sure how old the trees were, but they felt old. It reminded me of Fangorn Forest, the old forest where the Ents lived in The Lord of the Rings. It felt as if the trees would wake up and start walking at any moment.
Later we went to another nature area that had seven bridges winding among a rushing river. The river split and rejoined many times. We enjoyed the fragrance of the trees and the music of the river. Here, too, many of the trees had tangled roots that were twisted into beautiful works of art:
Here is a video of part of our walk:
It was a wonderful day.
Howdy Neighbor
I am often indecisive about whether or not I should share my personal story about abuse. Some people believe that we ought to never share any negative story about anyone. Others believe that in sharing our stories, we can help others through similar struggles. I think both are true. I mean, on the one hand, I understand about being careful about what we share. On the other hand, if people had not shared with me their personal stories of abuse, I don’t know where I’d be today. And often when I share my story, I hear from others how much it helped them. It’s because people have the courage to share their painful stories, their heartbreaking stories, their courageous stories, that we are able to recognize abuse and to gain the courage to escape it. I’m thankful for stories. So sometimes I share mine. I do try to limit details.
We had a rough week. EJ’s family got upset with us for limiting contact with his brother. We had done so because of his toxic behavior when he lived with us for a short time twelve years ago, and particularly because of one incident that involved our then 9-year-old son. None of the extended family was even aware that there was a problem between us and the brother all these years or that we had limited contact because we had made it an undramatic nonissue. We kept the grievance private, didn’t speak negatively of his brother, didn’t stir up trouble so that the family took “sides,” were polite whenever the brother attended a family gathering, and didn’t expect anyone to adhere to our personal boundaries. In fact, EJ interacted with his brother on FB. However, he didn’t give him our address when we moved. I blocked him at FB and didn’t add him to our family Facebook group which I was the admin of.
When the family recently discovered our limited contact, they didn’t respect our boundaries. They were very angry with us for limiting contact. And that has caused a lot of problems and hurt feelings.
With all the heartbreak I experienced with my own family, and with all the PTSD symptoms we have experienced from abuse and cancer, this was very stressful. It was stressful enough that I talked over the situation with experts at an abuse website, telling them what we had done, why we had done it, the family’s response, and exact details of the incident that had alarmed us so many years ago. They replied that we had done well, and that the only thing that they would have done differently would be to warn the family–because the brother’s actions were typical victim-grooming behavior. Warning them would help protect others in the family. So I warned the family–but as often happens, most of them leaped to the brother’s defense and were angry with us. There has been no censure directed at the brother. The family thinks it’s terrible that we have excluded him and aren’t unconditionally loving and forgiving him. This is very stressful, but we know that our boundaries are wise and that we did the right thing in warning the family.
I grew up not understanding healthy boundaries, but after I experienced my family’s abuse, I educated myself about abuse and began learning how to set healthy boundaries. Even though it’s hard, each time I set a boundary, I grow stronger and it becomes easier. We know now that if we allow anyone to disrespect our boundaries, they will only grow to disrespect them more, so we are remaining firm.
I hear–and have experienced–a lot of very sad stories about the horrible abuse that occurs in some families. I think family love and support is important, but that includes respecting each other’s boundaries and giving each other the freedom to be different and to make different choices. I also think that it’s more important to do the right thing and to respect each other than to have blind family loyalty that defends a person who is wrong or hurtful just because he is related.
Now, on to other news:
Last weekend JJ burst into the house when he got home from work saying that he had run over a large snake at the bottom of the driveway. It was a sandy area so the snake wasn’t hurt and quickly slithered away. JJ described it and EJ thinks it might have been a Blue Racer. We all walked down to see if we could get a glimpse of it, but it was gone. I hope the snake won’t consider our chickens “lunch.”
After we didn’t see the snake, JJ and I returned to the house, but EJ continued on to get the mail. That was when he met our nearest neighbors. Since this is their vacation home, they are absent all winter and here only occasionally during the summer. EJ had quite a chat with the neighbor and he learned that the man had actually worked with his Dad years ago in Flint. They used to play cards together on their lunch hour. It really is a small world.
Danny actually had met our neighbors before EJ did. The neighbor asked EJ if we owned a black dog with long hair. Yup. He said that Danny had appeared out of the forest, let them pat him a couple of times, and then he left. Danny is not supposed to go into the forest alone [bad dog!], but he loves people. He doesn’t meet many people up here like he did at our old house.
The neighbor guy said that the woman who used to live in our house had guinea hens. Apparently, the first day she let them out to free range, they refused to return and she never again got them back. Coyotes picked them off, one by one, until they were all eaten. We are now thinking about keeping our birdies safely in their pen. We couldn’t bear it if they were eaten.
We have had a very dry Spring. It’s been so dry that the grass was turning yellow. Our county banned all burning. We are surrounded by forests and it would be very bad if there was a forest fire. Very bad. We have finally gotten a bit of rain. Yay!
JJ told me the other day that our new home feels more like “home” than the old house ever did. He loves it here. “It’s the best decision we ever made!” he exclaimed. I’m glad. EJ and I love it here too.
Ella (Un)Enchanted
There’s a 2004 movie starring Anne Hathaway called Ella Enchanted that is a retelling of the Cinderella story. Although it’s not a particularly great movie, I have found it interesting because of its message about abuse and boundaries. In the movie, Ella’s fairy godmother gave her “the gift of perfect obedience” when she was an infant. I can imagine mothers joking that, hey, we’d like our children to be a bit more obedient. However, Ella’s gift was more of a curse. She was magically forced to do whatever anyone told her to do, no matter what it was, and no matter what she personally felt about it. “Wait here!” “Hold your tongue!” “Give yourself a pat on the back,” were among the more minor commands she was forced to obey. “Give me your necklace”–the precious one that had belonged to Ella’s deceased mother–“tell your best friend you never want to see her again,” and “Take this knife and kill the prince at midnight,” were the more serious ones. The “gift of perfect obedience” made Ella powerless and helpless. The movie is about her struggle to develop her own boundaries, to be able to say “no” to the things that she didn’t want to do.
This is a battle every abuse victim fights. Abusers either prevent a victim from developing healthy boundaries, or they subtly break down a person’s boundaries so that she feels that she cannot say “no” to the abuse. A boundary is “where you end and I begin.” It clearly defines what you are responsible for and what I am responsible for, and the behavior we will or will not accept from each other. When boundaries are clearly defined and respected, people are able to live together in harmony with neither one being victimized.
Property boundaries are a good illustration of personal boundaries. When property boundaries are clearly defined and respected, there’s no conflict between neighbors. You cannot trespass on my land, or enter my house, or do any activity, or make any changes unless I give permission. Neither can I do it to you. When boundaries are not defined, we both can try to claim the same piece of property. If boundaries are not respected, you might try to take over portions of my property. One of us invades the other’s property and takes it over to do with as we please.
Abusers deliberately violate a person’s personal boundaries, disrespecting the difference between you and me, and yours and mine. They usually do it little by little, gaining a potential victim’s trust and then pushing the boundaries a bit. If the victim resists, the abuser can make her doubt herself by saying things such as “You are too sensitive,” “I was kidding,” “Don’t be so selfish,” and so on. If the victim weakens her boundaries, the abuser can push for more of her. Little by little the victim gives up control of herself. Eventually the abuser will control her and her identity will be destroyed. The gaining of trust and overriding of boundaries is called “victim grooming.”
People with weak or no boundaries find themselves unable to say “no,” much like Ella. I was taught that it was “mean” or “unloving” or “unforgiving” or “UnChristlike” to ever put myself first or to make my own choices. I was taught to always be “nice” and “unoffensive,” to never “make things worse” by “rocking the boat.” Some of the “nos” that I was unable to say sound ridiculous to me now. For example, I found it difficult to tell a neighbor and his visitors to stop parking in our yard. So they parked there. I couldn’t confront a neighbor who dented our fence. So the fence remained unfixed. I was unable to tell a friend that I didn’t feel well enough to take her on a tour through my garden. So I took her through my garden and felt miserable. I was unable to tell my sister to stop insulting me. So she continued and it grew worse. Being unable to say “no” makes a person powerless and helpless.
Typically, when a person first begins to understand that she is being abused, she starts to educate herself about abuse. For me, learning about abuse helped me to understand what was happening to me, why it was happening to me, and how I could stop it. I learned a lot about the dynamics of abuse and about healthy boundaries. The more I educated myself and the more survivor stories I read, the more I could set my own personal boundaries, and the less powerless and helpless I became.
There are certain dynamics that exists in unhealthy families. Of course, no person or family is perfect, but the following characteristics are extremely common in unhealthy families. In fact, I’d say that all unhealthy families have them and that the stronger these characteristics are, the more abusive the family is.
Abusers are very skilled at appearing to be what they are not. Some of them can appear to be very religious, very charming, or very sweet in public, but in private they abuse their families. No one believes such a wonderful person would ever be abusive! Some pretend to be the victim in order to get people to pity them and defend them–and in the process the abusers gain allies to help him condemn the true victims. (There are behaviors that indicate who is the false victim and who is the true one.)
The people who believe or help the abuser become his allies. Some of them are family members. Some are outsiders who are drawn in. Some support the abuser knowingly and some are manipulated and deceived into it. However, if a person is aware of the abuse and still supports the abuser, he is no longer ignorant or innocent. He is participating in the abuse and is just as guilty as the abuser is.
Often the abuser can remain somewhat hidden while he sends his allies out to cause damage. It’s sort of like a person who hires a criminal to carry out his crimes so he doesn’t have to get his hands dirty. Abuse survivors call these people “flying monkeys” after the creatures who carried out the witch’s orders in The Wizard of Oz.
Unhealthy families tend to develop a “herd” or “group think” mentality in which everyone has to think, feel, believe, and act the same. I’m not sure individuals always recognize how strong this mentality is unless they oppose it. I know that I didn’t recognize it when I was on the “inside” of my family. It’s when I stood against the family’s demands that I saw, felt, and understood the force of the group. It is very difficult to stand against a family that is rejecting you as a group.
Unhealthy families tend to have an extremely strong sense of “family loyalty.” Family loyalty becomes of utmost importance. It’s very “cultish.” It doesn’t matter what offense an individual has committed, everyone must protect the family. A member of the family who tries to set boundaries, escape abuse, or warn about abuse is told, “We are family! You need to love the family! Family needs to stick together! You are being disloyal to the family!” and “We are, after all, family.” It’s sort of like the Mob: Do what you’re told and nobody gets hurt. Be loyal to da family or pay da price.
A part of family loyalty is the Code of Silence. Evil can thrive where there is silence. Abuse can only exist if the abuser’s actions are hidden. So there’s a strong pressure on everyone that you don’t talk about what happens within the family no matter what happens. If you do, you are being disloyal to the family. Be loyal to da family or pay da price.
When a victim begins to set her own boundaries and/or to speak out, abusers get very angry. Boundaries means the victim is becoming more powerful and less helpless. Boundaries mean she is gaining her freedom. Boundaries mean the abuser is losing control, which he values above all. Boundaries are a threat. So if a victim says “no,” all hell breaks loose. I had a “great relationship” with my Mom as long as I was Ella Enchanted with the gift of “perfect” obedience. However, when I refused to let my Mom break up my relationship with EJ or seize control of my marriage, I very quickly saw her very ugly side. Never again could I please her. She pressured me, smeared me, insulted me, condemned me, falsely accused me, and turned my whole family against me. Sometimes she “sicced” a member of the family on me. For example, not long after I resisted my Mom’s control, my Dad called and angrily shouted at me: “It is all YOUR fault. YOU are being disloyal to the family!” Marrying the kind, gentle man who I love is disloyal to my family? Really? I don’t think so.
Although I love family, I’ve lost my respect for this sort of blind family loyalty and silence. The “Family Mob” pressure doesn’t work so well anymore. The more I’m pressured that I must be loyal to da family, the less loyalty I have toward them. I believe there are things that are much more important than blind family loyalty–such as having integrity, doing what is right no matter what it costs, treating people with respect and kindness even if I disagree with them, allowing people to make their own decisions even if they aren’t choices I’d make, respecting a person’s personal boundaries. And there are people who are totally undeserving of any sort of loyalty at all, even if they are related–such as abusers, those who knowingly do wrong, those who insult, deceive, and manipulate others, those who are cruel. I will not excuse or hide wrongdoing because of family loyalty. I will not allow people into my life who in any way disrespect or harm me, EJ, or JJ, no matter who they are.
Sometimes there are tragic stories in the news of a victim being brutally beaten or killed by her abuser. Usually people question, “Why didn’t just she leave? Why did she stay in the abuse?” The answer is simple: Another characteristic of unhealthy individuals or families is that when a victim reveals that she is being abused, the abuse is justified, excused, minimized, denied, disbelieved. The victim is told that the abuse is “not that bad,” that she’s “just over-reacting,” that “it’s probably not what it appears to be,” or that she “must have done something to provoke it.” The victim is accused of being petty, unloving, unforgiving, judgmental, disloyal to the family, or even sinning against God. These are often the very types of things that the abuser is telling her so they are adding their words to his and destroying her ability to escape. It’s very difficult for a victim, who has had her self-esteem and identity destroyed, to seek help for abuse. It is made much more difficult–and sometimes even impossible–to escape abuse if she is disbelieved and told she must submit to her abuser.
Sadly, these abusive characteristics are not just found in a family. It’s also often found in the church “family” as well. That is the fruit of the “cheap grace” teaching. Bonhoeffer defines “cheap grace” as the preaching of forgiveness without requiring repentance. Because forgiveness is “unconditional” and repentance is not required, abusers can hurt others without censure. No one can confront wrong without being labeled “judgmental, ungrace-filled, or a troublemaker. Thousands of victims (usually women) who go to the church for help have their abuse minimized, denied, excused. With no censure of the abuser’s actions, the victims are being told that they need to love, forgive, submit to the abuser and stop provoking him–and they are shoved back into his hands. When a victim goes back to an abuser after seeking help, or if she tries harder to please her abuser, or if the abuser is supported, defended, protected (which validates his abuse) statistically she is placed in even greater danger.
This is evil. People, families, or churches who support, defend, or protect an unrepentant abuser are not guiltless of the incredible harm they cause a victim. They make me angry. God, who loves and defends the helpless, is also not too happy about such people:
He who justifies the wicked and he who condemns the righteous —
both alike are an abomination to Adonai. (Prov. 17:15)
Unlike dysfunctional families, in healthy families
- They don’t engage in “group think.”
- They treat others with respect even if they disagree with them.
- They allow people to make their own choices, even if the choices are different than they would make.
- They respect each other’s boundaries even they are different.
- They don’t engage in family loyalty at the expense of doing what is right.
- They don’t live by a Code of Silence. They don’t keep evil hidden.
- They don’t support an abuser and condemn a victim.
I used to be an Ella Enchanted, who had no power to say no. No longer. I am Ella UNenchanted now. I know how to say no. I have said no. I will say no again whenever necessary.
Plants & Chicks
After I’ve had a panic attack, I have to battle to readjust my thinking. This means that I have to fight to take captive every thought (2 Cor. 10:5) and to focus thoughts on what is true, noble, righteous, pure, lovable or admirable, on some virtue or on something praiseworthy (Phil. 4:8). I did this today by listening to the psalms on my computer while I made Challah Bread for Shabbat. I also focused on the beauty around me.
The day was very beautiful today. The temperatures reached into the low 70s. I checked the forecast for the next few days and it looks as if it will remain warm, so I took all my houseplants outside for the summer. I put them on the small deck where our patio table is. Then I cleaned and did laundry and prepared our supper.
This evening EJ and I went to the store and bought some veggie and herb plants. I hated to spend the money, but growing our own food is cheaper and healthier than buying it at the grocery store. We bought a few pepper plants, tomato plants, cucumbers, and squash. Also some lettuce and pea seeds. I bought some of the basic herb plants that I had downstate at our other house. I like to use fresh herbs in the summer and dry them in the winter. I also bought a lavender plant. I read that they thrive on the soil conditions that we have here, and I wanted to buy several to plant along the driveway to help prevent erosion, but I limited myself to one.
I have been pondering the six baby chicks in the horse trough. They keep clogging up the water and food feeders with their bedding. I thought they probably needed more space, but they still needed to be contained so they don’t go outside and become a predator’s hors-d’oeuvre. The older birds don’t always go into their coop at night. Sometimes they stay out in the larger cage in the garage. So I thought we could transfer the little chicks into the coop. EJ thought that was a good idea, so when we got home, he, JJ, and I had a “chick roundup” and caught the little birds and put them in the coop.
The older birds–both chickens and ducks–were very interested in the little chicks, which they were able to see for the first time. The high sides of the horse trough prevented them from getting a look at them. Danny was also very glad that he could see the chicks. He hasn’t been able to see them since we moved the trough into the cage.
We were surprised when the older chickens began making a soothing clucking sort of noise to the chicks. It’s a sound I’ve never heard them make before. I captured it on video, although you have to listen rather closely because Peeper kept quacking LOUDLY. He is such a character. Here is the video:
I think the chickens and ducks are interesting and fun.
Battles
We’ve had a rough couple of days.
I have struggled to write about it. I often need to pour out my strong thoughts or feelings into writing in order to process them. So I wrote about it, posted it, and then decided that it sounded too…raw or something. So I made it private. Sorry about that.
And then I wrote about it in this post, but in a different, less raw, way. Then EJ said it would probably be best not to include details because if some people found this blog, it might make things difficult. Ok. So I’ve deleted those paragraphs as well.
So all I can say is that sometimes I write that we have been through a lot as a family and that it has had an effect on us. When I try to describe it, everything gets reduced to brief sentences–such as “We suffered abuse from my family” or “EJ’s old job was difficult and was making him sick” or “JJ battled cancer,” and so on. None of these statements can convey all the hardship, and anguish, and struggles we experienced.
When I try to describe what we have gone through, I think it sounds like I’m whining. But without an explanation, I think it doesn’t really make sense for me to say that I truly believe that we absolutely had to move away because we were at the end of our endurance. Because of our experiences, we each suffer from PTSD, burnout, or whatever you want to call it. Abuse victims, cancer patients, and caregivers are among those who can suffer from PTSD. Our nephew described PTSD as “a normal response to an abnormal situation.”
Recovery is going to take a while. We are doing much, much better up here in our new home; we love its peaceful beauty so much and we can feel calmness seeping into us. We battle to focus on good things, to live in the moment, be thankful for our many blessings, not be anxious about tomorrows problems, and so on. Family (EJ’s not mine) and friends say we look much healthier and happier and less stressed. However, we still suffer from PTSD symptoms. Our symptoms affect us in slightly different ways. Problems make me feel completely overwhelmed, anxious, depressed. JJ gets upset. We both struggle with insomnia and panic attacks. EJ appears more calm, but he develops health problems. I’ve never felt so unable to handle the problems of life. I told EJ today that I just want us to get back to our normal selves again.
So all these PTSD feelings were triggered when EJ told us that he could get laid off again, or receive less income. Both JJ and I suffered severe panic attacks. I felt battered and depressed. My stomach felt as if an angry tiger was tearing me up from the inside with his claws.
Every morning and evening I care for the ducks and chickens, making sure their food and water is refilled. In the evenings, EJ and I go outside and visit with them for a while. I told EJ that I probably shouldn’t have gotten the ducks and chickens because even though we were as frugal as we could be, they cost more than I anticipated. However, we decided that they were worth getting–not only for their eggs (for ourselves and to sell the extras) but because they give us a lot of enjoyment. They are good for our mental health.
For example, this evening we watched Peeper struggle with temptation. Danny was lying right next to their outside pen. Peeper looked at him and we could actually see him struggle with the temptation to nibble on his fur. He looked at Danny’s fur with desire, resisted, stepped back, looked with desire at Danny’s fur, stepped forward…Finally he reached through the fence and nibbled Danny’s fur. And nibbled again. And again. Until Danny whined, turned his head, and moved a bit. I was so fascinated with watching the duck struggle with temptation that I forgot to video it, but when Peeper gave in, I remembered my camera and recorded it.
Enjoying Spring
Saturday EJ had to get a blood draw in preparation for his next medical checkup. He took a long-cut on the way there, which means he went down a less-traveled road. In the forests along the way, we saw hundreds of trillium flowers. I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many. I tried to take pictures as we drove along, but all I got was blurs.
Sunday EJ worked at making the chickens and ducks a large wooden feeder because they empty the small store-bought feeder too quickly. The feeder is a prototype, which he will tweak until it’s just right. Once he gets the design the way he wants it, he might try to sell them.
While EJ was out in the garage building the feeder, I was inside making bread. When the bread was ready to bake, I turned on the oven to preheat it. While I waited for it to preheat, I did the dishes and wiped off the counter and stove. I put the bread in the oven and a few minutes later, EJ came into the house and commented, “Something smells hot.” I knew it wasn’t time for the bread to be done–it had only been in the oven for 15 minutes–but I checked on the bread and it was black on top. When I had washed the stove, I had accidentally nudged the oven control and the temp was set at about 500 degrees. Oops. We laughed about it.
Apparently we now live in an area that is known for morel mushrooms, so yesterday EJ, Danny, and I went on a mushroom hunt through our forest. We didn’t find any mushrooms, but we did have a wonderful Spring walk through the forest.
Today was another beautiful Spring day. It gets down into the 30s at night but it warms up during the day. We’ve had temperatures in the 50s-60s but it’s supposed to get warmer by the end of the week.
I hung some clothes out on the clothesline and enjoyed the beauty and the bird song as I worked. After I walked down to the mailbox for our mail, I videoed the beauty of the day. The ducks and chickens heard me and came out to their outdoor pen to greet me. They are so adorably funny. I can’t wait until the younger chicks are older enough to leave their horse trough and join the older ones. Here is the video I took of the beautiful day:
Our older chickens are New Hampshire Reds and the younger chicks are Rhode Island Reds. I looked up what they will each look like when they are full grown. I think we will have very beautiful chickens:
JJ texted me from work that he had heard that he made the Dean’s List at college. Whoo hoo! Way to go, JJ!
Summoned
Our grass was getting long so yesterday I decided to mow it. However, I couldn’t get the lawn mower started. We actually have TWO lawn mowers, and I couldn’t get either of them started. I kind of enjoy mowing the lawn, but I have a hate/hate relationship with the mowers. Later, after EJ had gotten home and eaten supper, he got the mowers started and then he went ahead and mowed the lawn. We only mow up near the house to keep the ticks and other insects away. We keep the other parts of our property unmowed for the wildlife.
Usually I just buy plants at a nursery because I don’t have much success with seeds, but I thought I’d try starting cilantro and lavender seeds in the house. I put them in pots in the living room window. I started the cilantro first and it’s beginning to grow, sending out delicate shoots. Today I saw Kee-Kee munching on them. I moved the pot to the kitchen window, hoping that he won’t find them.
It’s been quite warm and I was tempted to move all my indoor plants outside for the summer…except we could get snow tonight. Brrr.
I did, however, find one plant growing in my planter the other day:
This morning Danny and I walked down to the mailbox for our mail. When I saw the mail, I thought, “Are you kidding me?” It was a summons for Jury Duty. EJ has only gotten a summons once–it was last year when he was beginning his new job, and since he had already moved away, he was excused. I, on the other hand, have been summoned for Jury Duty countless times over the years, usually at very inconvenient times, such as:
During final exams at college
Just before the day of my wedding
When JJ was a toddler and I had no babysitter
When I was sick with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome
And a few other times that I can’t really remember
I’ve been excused from serving a time or two, and I had to attend the jury selection a few times, but I never actually got selected to serve as a juror. I’ve always felt a lot of anxiety about getting a Jury Summons–not only because of the inconvenient times, but mostly because I didn’t know how to get to the courthouse which was in the middle of a city that I was unfamiliar with. I get lost very, very easily so EJ would always make me drive the route several times before I had to appear at the courthouse so I could learn (and relearn) the way.
I don’t feel quite so nervous this time because there is nothing major happening in my life and the courthouse is located in a smallish town not far away and I know I can easily find my way.
The funniest thing is that not only did I receive a Jury Summons today, but JJ did also. This is his first time.
Neighbors
This morning I was very startled to see an unfamiliar car coming up the driveway. Just about the only people who drive up to the house is the UPS, FedEx, or USPS people with the occasional package for us–and this wasn’t them. Instead, it was a woman and her little boy. I could tell right away that they were Jehovah Witnesses. EJ always nicely chats with JWs when they come to the door and he shares with them what we believe–which is only fair because we didn’t ask them to come to our house. However, I just politely say, “No thanks, I’m not interested.” They feel to me like telemarketers and I don’t want them to take up my time, which is probably not very “Christian” of me, but I’ve never found religious knocking on doors of strangers very appealing. I’d rather “give an answer to everyone who asks” because if they ask about what I believe then they have invited me to share and are more willing to listen. I think that when strangers are approached by religious people they tend to get more defensive and hostile. That’s just my opinion.
Because we live in our Enchanted Forest, I’ve often been tempted to put up signs along the driveway like this:
After the JWs’ visit, JJ said he wanted to put up a sign that said,
When EJ got home from work, I asked him if he could make me a sign like this to put at the bottom of our driveway:
I would add: “Unless you are handing out money or selling cookies or delivering packages…” because I certainly wouldn’t want to scare away the UPS or FedEx guys.
This makes me sound extremely anti-social, which I’m not really. Well, I’m very introverted but I’m only temporarily (I think) anti-social. We have had so many difficulties in our lives–especially in the last few years with JJ’s cancer and all–that we got over-stressed and over-whelmed and over-exhausted and burned out and PTSDed. The slightest things still trigger anxiety attacks–although we are gradually getting stronger. And we’ve had so many toxic people in our lives that we are really peopled out. Someday I will probably pursue local friendships, but right now we need–more than anything–quiet and rest.
Of course, we have talked several times with our neighbor across the road, and EJ has met one or two other neighbors, but our property doesn’t make it easy to meet neighbors. It’s not like we can see them across the yard and stroll over to chat with them. We live on a hill, surrounded by gullies and hills, in a forest. In the winter we can see a couple of our neighbors’ houses, but in the warmer months, the leaves on the trees block our view so it’s as if we are the only ones in the world. The house closest to us is the owners’ vacation retreat and they come up only a few times during the summer. EJ said it feels as if we are living in a “delicious secret” hidden from the world.
I have lived in a town all my life, and I think it’s interesting to see how my focus changes when I live in the country. In the town, the focus is on people–neighbors coming and going, and working in their yards or on their houses, and riding their bikes along the street or walking their dogs. In the country, I’m much more aware of the wildlife that share my property–the resident crows soaring and cawing overhead, the pileated and other woodpeckers drilling into the trees, the hermit thrushes magically fluting, and the other birds that live in our forest. I’m aware of the deer that graze on our grasses and the wild turkeys. During most of the year, depending on the season, the turkeys appear in a flock to eat our birdseed or the grasshoppers. Right now, we keep seeing a solitary female on our property, and I suspect she is–or soon will be–nesting. We also have at least two rabbits living among the trees at the bottom of the driveway.
I’m really enjoying these quiet, undemanding neighbors.
Although it might not sound like it, I’m actually very fulfilled in my life. I am doing activities that I really enjoy: I write this blog, I co-host a regular program on the largest INFJ group on Facebook, I am raising chickens and ducks, and I am starting my on-line business. I also have friends from all over the world who I communicate with at Facebook, so I am not lonely in the least. I love my life.
Cats and Birds
Most of our cats sleep with us every night. Two are especially funny when they observe that we are getting ready for bed. Little Bear often follows us around squeaking that we need to go to bed and then gives us lovings for a few minutes before he settles down. Kee-Kee usually waits until I climb into bed and then cuddles next to me. He seems to prefer being near my face so that if I turn from one side to another, he moves around until he is again near my face. He also likes sleeping on my pillow above my head. He sleeps next to me all night, making only brief disappearances before returning. When he returns, he walks straight across the bed from the foot to the head–and walks right across my head–to settle on the pillow. Or he paws at the blankets until I hold them up to let him settle next to me under them. At 3-something this morning Kee-Kee lay down right on my face. It’s not comfortable having weight on my face and inhaling fur every time I breathe so I tried to shift him slightly to move him next to my head instead of on my face. He resisted, so I had to gently but firmly move him. By the time I got him off my face, I was completely awake. EJ was awake too so we decided we might as well get up. This was at around 4 a.m.
We turned on the coffee machine and enjoyed the morning. When the sky began to lighten, I went outside and listened to the chorus of birds. I videoed it. I photograph or video just about everything.
I thought I’d go back to bed after EJ left for work, but I didn’t. Instead I did laundry and hung the clothes on the clothesline to dry. It’s not particularly fun lugging the baskets of wet clothes out to the clothesline, but I really enjoy soaking in the beautiful sights and sounds of morning as I hang them up and I enjoy the fragrance of clothes that have dried outside.
After it had warmed up a little bit, I went outside to care for the ducks and chickens, which includes cleaning their pen and refilling their food and water containers. I opened the garage door so they could go outside, but they were a little nervous so they didn’t go very far and didn’t stay very long. After a few minutes, I shut the door. The pen isn’t finished–the fence is fastened to most of the posts with just one staple until EJ can get out to permanently fasten it to the posts, and we still need to make a roof for the pen–so I don’t let the birds out unless I am out there with them.
In the late afternoon, I opened the garage door again to let the ducks and chickens have the opportunity to go outside while I refilled their water and food containers. This time they were more brave and ventured further outside. When I finished my chores I sat in a chair outside the pen to watch over them while they explored. EJ joined me after a bit. Poor Danny whines because he wants to be in with the birds, but I want them to get used to their surroundings before I let him interact closely with them.
Of course, both morning and evening I also care for the little baby chickens who must remain in the horse trough. They are growing quickly and beginning to get their feathers. I think these chicks are very pretty. Of course, I think the older chickens are pretty too.
Inside and Outside
Friday was super busy. I took care of the ducks/chickens, made challah bread, and got a roast cooking in the crock pot. I also did laundry and hung the clothes out on the clothesline, which was very pleasant. I cleaned the house. And I think I did many other things because I was very busy all day, but I can’t remember what they were now.
Later, we went to the nearby lake so JJ could try out the kayak he had bought a few weeks ago. He wanted to make sure he could load and unload it onto the vehicle and he wanted to see how it handled. He looked very peaceful out on the lake and I thought that if I had extra money (which I don’t) I would love to get a kayak too. Oh, well. EJ and I sat on the steps leading to the water while we waited for JJ. EJ dangled his feet in the water, but although the day was very warm, I thought the water was much too cold.
Saturday we rested all day. I worked on a puzzle that my friend sent me. After she and her husband put it together, she thought we’d like to do it too because it’s of a bunch of cats–and she knows we like cats. I moved a small table into the living room so I could be with EJ while I worked on my puzzle and he colored a picture. The puzzle is especially challenging because the cats like to knock the pieces off the table. For this reason, I keep it covered when I’m not working on it.
It was good that we rested on Saturday because today was another very busy day.
After work on Thursday, EJ picked up a large dog cage that his co-worker sold him for a good price. We planned to use it as part of our chicken pen. When I saw it, I was a little concerned that it might not be safe enough from predators. My brain kept working on a solution, turning the problem this way and that. We have to have a pen that is safe from predators, and we have to provide a warm place for the chickens/ducks in the winter because it gets really cold–it can get as low as -40F cold at times. I was wondering if we’d have to build two pens–a summer one outside and a warm winter one in the garage. That would be a lot of work and maybe extra money.
Finally, I came up with an idea. Our garage is very large and has three large doors, two facing the driveway and the third on the side. I suggested to EJ that we could set up the dog cage inside the garage near the third garage door, making the garage door the fourth side of the cage. Inside the dog cage in the garage we could put the coops. Outside we could build a pen with the fencing and posts we bought a few weeks ago During the day we could open the garage door so the chickens and ducks could go outside if they wanted. During the night, we could shut them in their coops in the garage and close the big door. They’d be safe inside and we could easily winterize it to keep them warm when it gets cold without having to built two completely separate pens.
EJ thought my idea was very good, so this morning we cleared that area of the garage and set up the cage. It has a door so we easily enter the cage. We carried the coop inside, as well as the horse trough with the baby chicks in it. We opened the door to the coop and let the ducks and the older chickens out to explore their new area. They seemed to really like the extra space. I put the shallow bowl of water in the caged area and the ducks had fun playing in the water. Soon we will get them a little swimming pool.
We spent the afternoon digging the post holes for the outside pen. (Actually, EJ dug them and I helped wherever I could–bringing him posts or whatever.) The outside pen is 8 feet wide and is almost the length of the garage. It will have a door at the end so we can access it–or let the chickens and ducks out to free-range if we choose. After the posts were in, we began putting up the fencing, but we had worked hard all day and were getting really tired so we decided to stop for the day.
In between helping EJ with the pen, I also made homemade bread today. I also did my normal chores and gave Danny a shower, which he didn’t like. We were really tired at the end of the day, but we were glad that we had made such progress. Plus, we were glad to work outside because the day was gorgeous. We kept hearing a ruffed grouse drumming, and hermit thrushes fluting, and turkeys gobbling. Later, after we had come inside for the day, I saw a female turkey wander past our house and down the driveway. I wonder if she has a nest nearby?
Early May
Warm days are alternating with cooler days. Today was a cool, damp day, but the temperatures are forecast to rise steadily to a high in the low 70s by the weekend. Yay! The cool days make me feel like curling up with a book and my crocheting. The warmer days pull me to work outside.
The scenery grows more green each day, reminding me of an artist applying thicker and thicker green to the trees and bushes in his landscape painting.
Last Sunday was a warm day and EJ set up cans on a box and we took turns shooting them with his .22. (I think it was a .22.) Or, rather, EJ shot the cans and I mostly just shot at them. I did finally hit two of them. I do not know how to shoot so EJ is teaching me. It was fun. He hopes to get a bb gun for me to practice with because the ammunition is much cheaper.
I have been so busy with the ducks that I haven’t done much crocheting, but this week I found some fun bookmark patterns to try. Here is one type, which I made in different colors. I think they are very pretty.
I don’t have them listed at Etsy yet because I don’t have good enough pictures of them. I think I have to photograph them on a sunny morning when the light is better. I’m thinking of also listing my crocheted items at Amazon soon. This would enable me to sell to other countries. I have never sold anything internationally at Etsy because I have to decide on what to charge for shipping–and the one charge applies to all international orders no matter what country it goes to. Since shipping costs can very widely from country to country, I have no idea what to charge. I don’t want to under charge for shipping to some countries (I can’t afford to pay expensive shipping out of my own pocket) or overcharge on others (because people shouldn’t have to pay unnecessary shipping costs). I’ve been told that Amazon automatically calculates shipping costs to various countries so that’s a huge plus.
I just have to make time to sit down and get my homemade items listed at Amazon. I already have a few books listed for sell. Once EJ gets the bookshelves in our library finished and I get it organized, I will start listing more books, but I don’t want to do it until then. I sold one book recently that I had listed several months ago, just for practice, but in the process of going through boxes of books and sorting them into “sell” and “keep,” I lost track of the book I had listed and had to frantically go through boxes and boxes to find it. So I want to be better organized before I list more books.
When JJ worked at his previous company, customers would sometimes come through his cashier line and encourage him to apply at their companies because they saw that he was responsible and hard working. One was an owner of a company. JJ later called the company–last autumn–but never heard back so he forgot about it. Apparently his call “fell through the cracks.” A couple of weeks ago, the owner happened to shop at the grocery store where JJ is now working, and he urged JJ to apply again. JJ had an interview with the guy, and in some ways the job sounded really good–more pay and more hours and more responsibility. However, JJ felt that something was “off” about the job and he had a lot of misgivings. JJ is really happy working at the grocery store so he decided to go with his gut and remain there. I think he made a wise choice.
Today JJ got his grades for his writing class. He had found out after his exam that gotten a 4.0 in his math class, but he didn’t find out about his grades for his writing class until today. A couple of years ago he was mentored by a journalist /author who said he was an awesome writer, but he was anxious that he wasn’t going to pass his writing class. He said that although he liked his college writing teacher as a person, he struggled with her method of teaching. Anyway, he got his grade for the class today and was amazed that he did far better than he thought he did. So that was a much-needed boost to his confidence.
Our ducks and chickens are growing up fast. The ducks are actually beginning to “quack” instead of “peep,” and I’ve heard a few “clucks” from the older chickens. I can’t wait until we get the fence up outside before the ducks and chickens get too crowded, although right now I think it’s still too cold for them to be outside. The younger chick are beginning to get feathers on their tiny little wings.
