I Love To Go A Gardening
Growing Our Life in Northern Michigan
Our Life So Far
We have done a lot of thinking and discussing and planning and doing since last week when we realized that with the extra expenses, we are going to run out of money sooner than later and we will need a bit more income.
We first considered that I would need to get a job. However, there are a few dilemmas: Such as the fact that EJ works nights and I’d work days which means we likely wouldn’t see each other much. Also, it’s been 20 years since I last had a job and my job skills are now outdated. I’d probably have to get a job working in a store, which is very nightmarish for an introvert. I’d get a job anyway to help out, but winter is coming and only two of our three cars is four-wheel drive and handles the snow well and I don’t want either of us put at risk. I was discouraged by all this.
But then I talked to my friend and we began to plot about ways that we could both make money from our homes. She has ideas for herself and we discussed that I could always sell some of my books on Amazon. None of the books we love, of course, but I have others that I pick up at yard sales and thrift shops to read and I could get rid of my not-favorites. My friend also suggested that I open an on-line store at Etsy. I would rather make items and give them away as gifts than sell them. I know nothing about pricing, or how to set up a digital store, or how to mail items, or anything. However, this option would allow me to be home to take care of my family AND I wouldn’t have to drive through deep snow AND although I will need time to get set up, once I got started I could potentially earn more money than I could at a part-time minimum wage job. EJ is also pondering things he could sell at our “store.” So I can learn what I have to learn to accomplish as many goals as I can.
I have spent my time in the last week considering items that I can crochet and sell, finding patterns, and making the items to see how they turn out and to give myself a beginning inventory. I haven’t crocheted anything since JJ was a preschooler–I kept busy homeschooling, scrapbooking, and writing. I no longer have a supply of yarn so I bought/ordered yarn to get me started. I was surprised at the many varieties of yarns that didn’t exist before. I need different types, sizes, and colors so I have a good selection for my digital store.
All that has taken up hours of my days.
A new store–similar to Wal-mart–opened on Thursday relatively close to us. JJ and I went there on Friday because I wanted to check out their yarn supply and buy a few skeins to get me started on projects. The store is a competitor of the store JJ works at. He walked into the beautiful, large store with a greater selection than his store has and said, “My store is so screwed.” He likes his job, but he’s been looking into getting a new job.
The Taurid meteorite shower has been going on this month. This particular meteorite shower tends to send a lot of fireballs our way. Every time I take Danny outside at night, I look up to see if I can spot any. I saw only one–EJ was with me this weekend when we saw one streak across the sky. Pretty cool. JJ went out with me last night. We didn’t see any fireballs, but we did see eyes in the forest. We couldn’t tell what it was. We know there are a lot of deer on our property. I haven’t seen a deer in a couple of months, but whenever I walk down to get the mail, I see many, many deer prints all along the driveway, just out of sight of the house. There are some prints that are large and very deep which EJ says indicates it’s a big buck.
The weather this month has been unseasonably warm and very nice but tomorrow night we are supposed to get high winds that could cause downed trees and power outages. It looks on the weather maps as if the center of the storm is headed straight for us. Oh, joy!
EJ came home from work early yesterday because he wasn’t feeling well. He still wasn’t feeling great today, but because the warm weather isn’t going to last forever, he climbed up on the roof of the house this afternoon to caulk around the skylights to make sure they are weather proof. He is scared of heights, but unlike our old house, our new house is only one story and he is able to climb up there without too much difficulty. When EJ was safely back to the ground, he changed the oil in the suburban.
I didn’t want to have EJ working on the roof alone in case he fell, so while he was up there working, I stayed outside within view. I figured EJ was pretty safe just lying up there, so Danny and I wandered into the forest a bit. The bare trees allowed me to see EJ without difficulty. At the end of our walk, just a short distance from the edge of the forest, I saw a couple of fallen trees that looked as if they had recently been ripped open by claws. There were wood chips on the ground near the logs. I know that many animals–including deer and bears–rub against or claw standing trees, but I don’t know of animals that claw fallen logs. I took photos and sent them to the Michigan Department of Natural Resources to see if they could tell me what sort of animal would do that. Bear? Cougar?
I learned this week about Coywolves, which are a hybrid species between coyotes and wolves. They are bigger than coyotes, smaller than wolves, and are very intelligent. They are thought to have first appeared in Canada in the early 1990s, but have been spreading–even making their homes in large cities. I googled to see if there are any in Michigan and learned that they were sighted in February 2015 in a nearby county in Northern Michigan.
I am beginning to wonder whose eyes JJ and I saw looking at us from the forest last night.
More Than I Imagine
Life seems to be one nail-biting cliffhanger after another. This is another chapter to our continuing saga.
Those of you who have been reading our family’s story we recall that last Winter I looked at EJ and saw that his company was destroying his health, and I looked at JJ and saw that he was discouraged and struggling to recover from cancer, and I looked at myself, and knew that my emotionally abusive family was wearying me. We had talked and dreamed and hoped to move for years, but never could until last Spring when I began to pray desperately that God would move us away. From that moment, things began to happen and in a very short time we were living in a place that was everything we dreamed of. When I consider everything that has happened, and when I see renewed hope and joy on my guys’ faces, I can only believe that God has moved us here.
Of course there has been challenges. We all are suffering from various forms of chronic stress, PTSD, and burnout, which has caused us to have anxiety attacks. But we moved here to get a fresh start, and to get away from the chronic stress, and to be able to rest and recover.
It was all a huge risk, and it took everything we had to move here. We expected our house to sell for a decent enough price but because of a bad housing market downstate, we weren’t able to get even close to the price we hoped for our house. Despite setting a low price on our house, it’s not selling as quickly as we anticipated. With having to keep the utilities on at the old house, needing to pay taxes, and so forth, the house is a financial drain on us. We weren’t able to move everything up at one time, and frequent trips south have also been a drain.
In addition, we have JJ’s medical bills to pay off down at the old Cancer Center. We are on a payment plan and have only a little over $2,000 left, but it’s still a monthly expense that will take time to pay off. Because we are in a new hospital system up here, we also have bills up here–getting JJ’s port removed and his CT scans, for example. And although the doctor suspected EJ’s symptoms were due to anxiety, she had him wear a monitor a couple of months ago to make sure he wasn’t having heart problems. That was also much more expensive than anticipated even with insurance.
We scraped together a decent savings to enable us to move. However, the expense of the old house, and the medical bills, and having to fix the driveway, and needing to prepare for winter has drained our savings, so that we don’t have much left. The driveway was terribly expensive, but the work absolutely had to be done or we would have needed mules to travel up and down our drive. We still need to get a snowblower or something to plow out our driveway this winter because our area usually gets tons of snow, so after we buy that, we’ll have maybe two months of savings left. Maybe. Then we are screwed.
I have been anxious about how we would manage when our savings ran out. Whenever I think that maybe we will be ok, I find another large bill–usually medical–in the mailbox. Yesterday I wrote down all our monthly expenses and it was worse than I thought. When our savings are exhausted, we might have enough money to pay all our monthly expenses if we don’t buy groceries or gas for our vehicles or have any more unexpected expenses. I presented this to EJ and JJ and then burst into tears because, of course, we need to eat and buy gas.
I am seriously looking into getting a job, which might seem to be a trivial matter to those families who have both spouses working outside the home, but I haven’t worked in over 20 years, and I never wanted or anticipated having to return to work, and my skills are all out-dated, and I am not sure I will be hireable. Also, only two of our vehicles can handle snow, which means I would have to find a job very close by so I wouldn’t have to drive far. I am so dreading getting a job, most especially because we are so physically, emotionally, and spiritually burned out and are craving time to rest and enjoy life for a bit. We didn’t want to have to worry about bills or me finding a job. I would stiffen my resolve and suck it up, but the hardest thing is that since EJ works nights and I would work days, we probably wouldn’t see each other much, which is unendurable because we enjoy being together and we miss each other terribly when we are apart.
None of us want me to have to get a job, so we are looking at our finances and trying to cut everything we possibly can. We need to reduce our monthly expenses to increase our cash flow. If the old house sells, even if we don’t get much out of it, we can probably pay off one of our bills–which would free up some cash. December has three paychecks instead of two, so we can use the extra to reduce or pay off another bill. We are going to talk to the insurance agency about reducing our insurance costs. For example, if I don’t work, we could keep insurance on only two of the vehicles and store the HHR for the winter since it doesn’t have 4-wheel drive. EJ was told that his new company usually gives huge yearly bonuses in January, which would help us tremendously. However, EJ said today that an employee made a mistake that will cost the company a couple million dollars so it’s unlikely that they will get the bonuses. That figures. Bummer.
JJ, bless his heart, said that we are all in this together and he will help with the bills until we get through this. He has been looking for a better paying job, but he currently works part-time at minimum wage and he is giving half his monthly earnings to help out–and he has offered more if needed. This, of course, may affect or delay his going back to college but we won’t be able to manage without it. JJ also said that if I have to work, we can divide up the chores at home so I don’t have to do it all.
I am fervently praying for some more miracles. Ephesians 20 says, “Now to him who by his power working in us is able to do far beyond anything we can ask or imagine…” I said to God, “You know I can imagine an awful lot–like walking to the mailbox and instead of finding another huge bill, finding a huge check that would totally pay off our house…” I’m just saying. I have a really good imagination. But I actually would be content if He’d sell our old house for us, and that He’d somehow make it so we could eliminate some of our bills, and that He would enable us to recover from all the stress we’ve had in our lives. I’m begging for some miracles. I wouldn’t mind you all praying too.
This morning JJ asked if I would please, please, please take him to his counseling session so he didn’t have to drive there and back again alone. Since I could tell he was stressed, I agreed. The weather has been very warm this week so after I dropped JJ off, I drove to a nearby park and enjoyed the beauty surrounding me while I talked on the phone to my dear friend. Here are photos of the view. Oh, and also a few from our beautiful Enchanted Forest.
November
Last week we had a lot of blustery rainy days which blew most of the leaves off the trees. There are just a few determined leaves hanging on. It is looking very November-ish now with bare trees and gray skies. Even though it’s not as colorful, there is still beauty. Without the leaves hindering our view, we are able to see more of the horizon, which means that we will be able to see sunrises, sunsets, the moon rise, and the Northern Lights.
This morning Danny wanted outside shortly after I woke up, so I was able to see the sun peeking through the bare trees. As soon as the sun was able to rise above our eastern hill, it shone on the carpet of leaves and lit up the forest with a golden light. It was very beautiful but impossible to capture with a camera. Photographs just don’t allow you to see deep into the forest or the beauty of the shadows cast by the trees.
Photographs also cannot capture the beautiful fragrance of the trees. Sometimes as we have driven through miles of forest, EJ and I have rolled down our windows and stuck out our heads to breath in the forest fragrances. Other times we have walked in our Enchanted Forest and breathed deeply: Ahhhhhh!
Saturday night we moved our clocks back an hour. I really hate the time change because I don’t see much sense in it, I hate having to adjust to a new time, and I hate that it gets darker an hour earlier. It is so very, very black in the Enchanted Forest that when I look out my window, I see nothing but blackness. Having the dark arrive an hour earlier is not enjoyable (especially since the giant spiders come out at night). We are actually planning to buy full spectrum lights for our living room lamps, which mimic the light of the sun and help prevent Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) which is caused by reduced sunlight during winter.
The really good thing about having darkness come early is that we will see the night sky earlier. Tonight a very strong geomagnetic storm is forecast to hit the earth which means that the changes of seeing the Northern Lights are very strong. I’m really excited and I’m hoping the clouds will clear so we can see the sky. I keep checking the Aurora sites to see how strong the geomagnetic activity levels are. I have two sites that I go to.
Soft Serve News – Aurora Forecast
This morning I got a call from the ophthalmologist’s office that my new glasses had arrived! Yay! EJ and JJ were both sleeping, so I left them a note and drove into the town that we have nicknamed Eureka. I always love the drives to and from various places because they are so beautiful. Whenever I go anywhere, I am thankful that we actually live in such a beautifully awesome place. I really like my new glasses. I don’t know how well it shows up in the photo, but they are a pretty dark coppery color.
Sunday EJ and I did a few winterizing activities: We cleared out the old nests from the birdhouses and put up the last of the birdhouses that we brought from the old house. We also moved the park benches and lawn chairs into the garage for winter storage. EJ went down into the crawl space to make sure everything was good and he also checked the furnace filter. Well, we actually don’t have a regular furnace, we have a geothermal heat pump, which somehow brings up hot (or cool) air from the earth to heat (or cool) the house. It’s expensive to install but very energy efficient and cheap to run. EJ has always wanted to have one, and this house came with it! Anyway, I don’t understand it all, but even though it’s not like a regular furnace, it has a filter. EJ said it was a very good filter so we won’t need to replace it yet.
EJ had told me that “we” needed to go check out the crawl space, but I replied “What do you mean WE? I’m not going down there, no way.” I watched him climb down into the crawl space with apprehension. Would he find Giant spiders? Snakes? Rats? Goblins? But he actually said that it was very nice down there.
JJ has been working on enrolling in the local college and last week he got an acceptance letter. I think he is planning to take some classes next semester. He wants to be a writer. When we still lived downstate, JJ took a writing class through the community education program at a local school. He was disappointed that he was the only student in the class but the teacher, who was a journalist and a writer, was so impressed by his talent that she kept meeting with him…for free! At his last class before moving north, she gave him a card telling him that she thought he was an awesome writer and to keep writing.
JJ came home from work last night really excited. He is a cashier at a retail store and two people he waited on told him that they were impressed by him and would like him to work for them. One was the owner of a landscape business and the other was a woman from a bank–I’m not sure of her position but I would assume she had some say in who gets hired. He has had job offers from others he has waited on as well in previous months. This morning he applied on-line at the bank and plans to stop in at the landscape company on his next day off.
JJ told me last week that he feels that his life is really going somewhere now, which he didn’t feel when we lived downstate. I’m so happy that my guys are both so happy up here.
I loved Halloween this year…because for the first time ever I live in a place where we don’t have hundreds of trick-or-treaters walking through our neighborhood. I remember how fun it was as a child to dress up and go door-to-door for free candy, but when I became an adult and understood where the Halloween traditions came from, I grew to dislike it. Halloween had its roots in druid beliefs. In fact, most pagan celebrations, including “harvest” celebrations, were directly connected to the worship of idols. Even secular people today understand that Halloween is connected with demons, witches, darkness, and death. Just look at the type of movies shown at this time of year. I often wonder what people who think we can “redeem” a pagan holiday think the verses mean that say we are to “not do as the pagans do,” or “come out from among them and be separate,” or “have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness.” What makes Halloween so special that we feel we must cling to it? I believe that G-d never endorses mixing a pagan holiday in with worship of Him. As 2 Corinthians 6:14-16 asks:
What fellowship does light have with darkness? What harmony can there be between the Messiah and B’liya‘al? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement can there be between the temple of God and idols? (Complete Jewish Bible)
I do not believe we can redeem a pagan holiday. However, I am not really here to debate the issue of Halloween. I am just presenting some thoughts to consider. I know that Halloween is a controversial topic and no one is going to change unless they are convinced that it’s necessary–so ultimately it’s an issue between a person and G-d. As much as I try to pursue and live truth, I think that in the world to come, I will find that many things I believed were in error–because who of us understands all truth perfectly? Certainly not me. I think that all those who love G-d are on a journey from what we were to what we will become, from old beliefs to new ones, from error to truth, from darkness to light. It’s not an easy journey and it’s often a struggle–and takes time–to sort through beliefs, traditions, and ways of living.
I am sadden not by people who struggle to change and grow, but by those who refuse to even consider that maybe they might be wrong in some of their beliefs or who refuse to honestly search whether or not what they believe is actually truth. I think that we should be willing to honestly seek the truth and to let go of any beliefs or traditions–no matter how cherished–that are not truth. I’m saddened by how many people defend their beliefs without honestly searching out what G-d actually says. I’ve had several Christians tell me when shown Scripture that contradicted their beliefs that, “Even though the Bible says that…” or “Even though Jesus said that….” “I still believe that….” And I think, “Did you just hear what you just said?” You claim to obey the Bible and yet whether or not the Bible supports what you believe, you say you are still going to believe what you choose to believe. It is illogical.
Some things just don’t make sense to me. I just don’t get it. I’m just very glad that my October 31st was very quiet this year.
Bare Trees
I woke up this morning with a lot of congestion and a deep cough. My neck also felt itchy–and I realized that I had been scratching it in my sleep. I looked in the mirror and saw that I have a rash that looks like hives. Seriously? I have no idea what is causing it. Ugh. EJ had only had minor cold symptoms but now he seems to be getting sicker.
JJ had his appointment with his counselor this morning and he wanted me to go with him because he hates going alone, but I told him that I really felt too sick so he needed to go alone.
I was really too tired, but I had a lot of leftover chicken that needed to taken care of so after JJ left I made three homemade chicken pot pies. I cooked one for lunch and froze the other two. After we devoured most of it, I sat down in the living room. I wasn’t sitting long when Danny came to get me. I followed him out into the kitchen, thinking he was telling me that he wanted to go outside. Instead, he led me to the stove where the remainder of the potpie was. Apparently, he thought it was his portion. I don’t think so, Danny Boy.
We were out of a few essentials–like kitty litter–so EJ and I drove to the grocery store after lunch. I managed the little shopping cart until I kept running into things. Then EJ said, “You want me to drive?” because my mind was all fuzzy. I gladly let him take control of the cart. When we got back home and the groceries were unloaded, he fell asleep in his chair. I tried to nap on the love seat, but wasn’t able to fall asleep.
Last night rain began to fall and the wind began to blow, and both rain and wind has continued throughout today. The rain and wind have torn a lot of leaves from the trees so that now there appears to be more bare trees than leafy ones. However, the Enchanted Forest is still very lovely. The good thing about bare trees is that we are able to see more of the horizon, which means that we might be able to see sunrises and sunsets and the Northern Lights.
This afternoon I looked out the window and saw that a bit of sunshine had lit up some golden trees against a sky of dark clouds. It was gorgeous. I ran outside with my camera: Click, click, click.
Today one of the Michigan pages at Facebook asked if people were excited or terrified about winter approaching. I commented that I was both because I like winter but we had just moved to this area and I had no idea what to expect. Everyone tells us that the particular area in which we live gets a lot snow dumped on it. Does that mean we will get a few feet of snow? Or will the snow be so deep that it buries the house and we will have to dig tunnels and get sled dogs? I will be glad when we get through our first winter so I know what to expect and can prepare for it. I do sort of look forward to observing the tracks of animals in the snow. It will be interesting to identify what animals are traveling across our property. I bet there are more than deer and wild turkeys and the little rabbit that lives at the bottom of the driveway.
A few days ago I “lost” the visitor map at the right side of my blog. I tried to get it back but it no longer works right. I have contacted support and I’ve also tried to find new visitor maps but most use “Java” and don’t work on WordPress blogs. There are others that sort of work, but I don’t really like them. So if you see weird coding or an item that is there one day and gone the next, that is me playing around with stuff. I’ll figure it out eventually.
Lothlorien
I had wondered what colors our forest would wear in the autumn. Most of the trees turned golden with just a little splash of red here and there. Our forest turned so golden that it reminded me of Lothlorien in The Lord of the Rings, which was considered one of the most beautiful and elvish places in Middle-earth. It was often called the Golden Wood, referring to the golden mallorn trees that grew in that land. It was also called the “Valley of Singing Gold.” (Yes, I admit it, I really love Middle-earth.)
Every day more and more leaves fall in a golden rain. It’s awesome! More trees are becoming bare, which means we can see deeper into the forest which is now covered with a golden carpet. The bare trees reveal secrets: I spotted a huge wasp or hornet nest hanging from a tree. I’ve never seen one so large. The biggest one I had ever seen before this was when I was a child. The nest was in the peak of our two-story house and my Dad, who was involved in archery tournaments, shot it down with his bow. For years there were a couple of arrows stuck in the house.
I tried to capture some of the showers of leaves on video today, and I also videoed Danny racing around the yard. Most of the time he just sort of slowly meanders, but now and then he races around as if he is so excited he can’t contain himself. By the time I turned on my camera he was mostly done running, but I caught a little of it.
Danny looked so awesome sitting in the leaves today that I took photos of him. The photos turned out exceptionally well and he looks regal. Usually I just get a black blob with eyes and a nose.
Today I read an article that said that the Snowy Owls were beginning to migrate south for the winter. There have been sightings not too far from here. I have never seen a Snowy Owl, and I would love to see one, so I am keeping my eyes open. I saw a huge bird soaring overhead this weekend and called for EJ to “Hurry! Come! Look!” He said he thought it was a red-tailed hawk. I have seen hawks before, but this one looked big. It was awesome.
EJ’s Mom and sister came to visit this last weekend. Because we don’t have a guest room (our third bedroom is our library), they stayed in a nearby motel and visited on Friday and Saturday afternoons. It was really nice to see them. EJ’s Mom is getting more feeble each time we see her.
JJ got sick with some sort of respiratory infection late last week. He came home early from work on Thursday. He talked to Grandma a little, but didn’t get too close because he didn’t want to risk making her sick. He seemed to get over it quickly, so he was able to have breakfast with his Dad, Grandma, and Aunt at a restaurant on Sunday morning before Grandma and Aunt made the long trip home. I, on the other hand, got sick on Saturday night and spent Sunday in bed with a bad headache, body aches, congestion, and sneezes. I’m improving now, but I’m still not feeling particularly well. I think it hit me hardest because I am so depleted.
On Friday night EJ stopped at a grocery store after work and bought some Sambucus, which is an elderberry extract that is supposed to diminish the effects of colds and such. When he got home, he poured us each a dose into medicine cups. It was a thick dark purple liquid. JJ saw it and asked a couple of times, “What is it? What is it?” I suddenly remembered when he was in preschool. I babysat a few kids at the time, and they used to come out to the kitchen where I was making lunch and asked repeatedly, “What are you making? What are we having for lunch?” At first I answered honestly, but they all asked so often that I started making up wild creative answers: “We are having boiled worms today” or “I’m making baked shark” or “This is fried octopus.” Whichever child asked the question would run into the other room yelling, “Yuck! She said she’s making boiled worms!” Back to the present: Friday night EJ started telling JJ that he was giving him Sambucus, but I interrupted and said, “It’s Dragon’s Blood. If you drink it, or so they say, you will be able to understand the speech of animals. If you make friends with a dragon, he sometimes will let you have a few drops.” Since then, we’ve been referring to the elderberry extract as Dragon’s Blood. “Have you had any Dragon’s Blood yet today?” we ask. I probably read too many fantasy stories.
Last night Danny asked to go outside at about midnight. He danced with impatience, so I knew the need was urgent. I put his leash on him, as I do every night, because I don’t want to risk losing him in the black darkness of the night. I opened the door and he ran out ahead of me, and then I saw it. The GIANT SPIDER in the middle of the porch. I screamed and slammed the door, with Danny outside and me holding the handle of the retractable leash inside. Since the door would hold the leash and prevent Danny from wandering away, I dropped the handle, grabbed the Spider Killer spray, and went out the other door and around to the porch. With sickening fear I approached the vile creature and sprayed and sprayed and sprayed him. He crawled off, leaving a spider outline in the foam–like a crime scene drawing. He was mostly dead but still alive, so with pounding heart I stepped over him and opened the door holding Danny’s leash. I took Danny off to use his “facilities.” I swear this spider was the biggest yet. I wanted proof of his size and I thought the spider outline would make an interesting photo so with a thudding heart and many looks around to make sure no other giant spiders were sneaking up on me, I took my camera outside and took a picture. Later I went out again with a tape measure so I could have a scale to compare him to. I felt like a homicide detective.
JJ laughed at my fear and then kept exclaiming, “Oh! There’s a spider on you!” He used to do that to me a lot when he was a kid, and usually I tried to keep my cool but sometimes I forgot and totally freaked out. I never particularly liked the scares, but it seems something boys like to do, and I could pretty much handle it down where the spiders were small. But up here, the spiders are so big that they have me completely scared. EJ reassured me today that there are no spiders on earth that hunt humans and that wolf spiders are not harmful. I’m not convinced. However, I think I am scared of spiders because of all the corny now-classic horror movies that were on TV on Saturday afternoons when I was a kid. I never liked horror movies, but I had a bunch of older siblings…Some of the movies had gigantic spiders that terrorized a city. Then there were the movies in the 1970s in which someone nasty would always place a tarantula in a house to terrorize a victim and it would sloooowly creep across the bed toward her. And then there is the giant spiders in fantasy movies like The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings. Spiders are the stuff of nightmares. Shudder. I told JJ today that it’s not funny anymore. I would never ever scare anyone with the thing that scares them and he needs to stop scaring me. He apologized and said he won’t….but I expect he will forget.
Even though the huge spiders scare me, they don’t immobilize me. I still go out and kill them, which takes courage. JJ can tease me, but he was just as scared when the one got inside the door a few weeks ago…and he’s not out there confronting the spiders and killing them. It’s easy to be brave when you don’t have to deal with the spiders.
Spiders and Trees
Yesterday I bought some spider spray so I’d be armed if I encountered anymore giant spiders. They really do scare me, and I found my “spider senses” are tingling with alertness.
I especially scan the front porch when Danny wants out at night because several times I’ve spotted the giant spiders lurking there. Last night when Danny wanted out at about 11 p.m., I grabbed my spider killer spray and looked through the door window. At first I didn’t see any spiders but then I spied a very giant spider right in the middle of the porch where we would have walked! Shudder! So Danny and I went out the other door and came around to the porch and sprayed the spider with the spray. He crawled so I sprayed him again, and then sprayed him again. He (or she) crawled off into a crack. I moved the pets water dish and there was another one near it. EEEEEKKKK! I screamed and jumped back and I was able to spray him before he scurried off. I sprayed the crack that he disappeared into. I didn’t know if they were dead or alive, but this morning I found the corpse of a spider very close to the front door. Since that is not where he was originally I suspect he was trying to crawl into the house to terrorize me when he died.
I almost regret killing spiders outside because they eat other insects that I don’t like. However, I absolutely don’t want them invading my house.
I’ve had a terrible headache off and on all week–not a migraine. We think it’s due to stress. This week has been a busy one, and JJ is sick, and EJ isn’t feeling well. We are trying to relax, rest, and recover but we haven’t really had much of a chance yet to really just rest in our new home–not as much as we need to. It took us a long time to get this burned out and it’s going to take a long time to get out of it. The world doesn’t stop because we need it to. I told EJ today that I do not really understand how to regain our energy when everything totally drains us.
But it helps that we live in a beautiful area. Beauty feeds and soothes my spirit. I drove JJ to some appointments a couple of days this week and we did some of my errands too. Whenever we go anywhere, the beauty is so amazing and indescribable. I hate driving up here–only because whenever I drive, I tend to go too slow because I want to drink in the beauty and take pictures. I can’t drive and take pictures at the same time. However, the beauty on our property is also amazing and I took some photos this morning when EJ, Danny, and I walked to get the mail. (You can click on the photos to make them bigger and read the captions.)
In spite of the spiders, I am so glad we live here.
Terror in the Enchanted Forest
This afternoon JJ wanted me to go with him while he ran some errands in the Enchanted Forest. We went into the garage, opened the big door, and then we saw it in the doorway right behind the car: The HUGE SCARY SPIDER. I swear that it was the size of a baby’s hand.
I told JJ to take a picture of it while I ran in to get EJ, who has not yet seen the size of these spiders. He saw the dead, curled up corpse of the one that had gotten just inside the door–and at which we had sprayed half a can of Ant and Roach Killer before it finally died–but he had not seen a live one. EJ came out into the garage and was suitably impressed. After he saw it, I yelled in panic, “Ok, Now KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IT!” I didn’t mean for him to stomped on it with his bare foot. Squish. Eeeewwwww!
One of my friends at Facebook said that it was a wolf spider. Another friend said, “If it was a wolf spider, you’re fortunate it was not a female with a hundred babies on her back. They would have jumped off and scattered all over your garage.”
I’ve never liked creepy crawlies, but I had formed an uneasy truce with them. If they are outside, I promised to leave them alone because that is THEIR territory. If they are in my house, however, their lives would be forfeit because they are in MY territory. If any crawl on me, whether inside or outside, I will scream, jump around in my panicked “GET IT OFF!” dance, and THEN I will kill it.
These HUGE spiders scare me so I consider the truce over. Only….they are so HUGE that I’m afraid to get close enough to kill them. I can kill little spiders, but not HUGE ones. So I tell EJ that HE needs to kill them. However, he is still keeping the truce: if they are outside, they can live. He was doing me a favor by killing the one in the garage today. If he hadn’t killed it, I would have run over it with the car.
I thought huge spiders lived only in Australia, or Africa, or the Middle East, or the rain forest, or Texas. It never occurred to me that the spiders in the North would be so freakin’ HUGE. They shouldn’t be where it’s cold and snowy, they should be where it’s hot. I guess I should have known better. In every story about Enchanted Forests, there are always huge scary spiders. Duh.
The huge spiders have made me jumpy. I’m always on the watch for spiders, and I check shoes and stuff before I put them on. Tonight when I took Danny outside, I scanned my surroundings, looking for huge scary spiders. I spotted one on the front porch, about a foot from the door. It was huge. I nervously got Danny and myself in the house. I got my camera and was going to take a picture or video of it, but I was too scared. I imagined it having hundreds of babies, all of which invade my house.
Yikes!
Before and After, Ending and Beginning
Just a few days ago–on Friday–we had our first snow of the year. EJ and I took Danny outside at about 11:30 p.m. and we had fun playing with the snow and the flashlights I had recently bought from Amazon. The flashlights only cost $8, but they are very powerful. We can make the beam very big so it lights up a large area or we can make it very small and focused so we can light up a long distance. We can use the narrow beam as a pointer to point out stars in the sky, we can light up the tops of the trees, and I often point the light at the edge of the forest to see if I see eyes of animals or other strange beasts watching me. So far, nothing. On Friday night, EJ and I pointed our flashlights straight up and watched the snow showering down on us from the sky. It was fun.
Saturday morning when I woke up, it was snowing hard. I took my camera and walked out into it. It was magical–like being in a snow globe. It made me feel like dancing in the snow. I took photos and this video:
JJ kind of freaked out about the weather because he had to go to work and he is inexperienced at driving in snow. I told him that he’s going to have to get used to it because this snow is nothing compared to what’s coming. Everyone tells us that our area really gets snow dumped on it. EJ’s co-workers told him it would be a really good idea to pack a sleeping bag and change of clothes in his vehicle during the winter in case there’s a snowstorm and he can’t make it home. I passed that info on to JJ and he said, “Are you serious??? I’m not sure I want to live here anymore!” I said, “Well, it’s a little late now!”
The snow motivated EJ and me into going out in the garage to look for our winter boots. We have been so busy either working on the driveway or going to the old house that we haven’t had time to unpack all the boxes. I thought I had at least gotten all the clothes unpacked, but I found a box of my clothes, a box of EJ’s clothes, and a box or two of coats. It was kind of fun unpacking the boxes and rediscovering clothes I had forgotten about. I spent several hours washing the clothes and coats and hats and mittens–not only because they had been sitting in the garage for several months, but also because I wanted to kill any spiders that might have decided to hide in them. Oh, and I also found the boots.
As we sorted through the boxes, we got EJ’s garage a little bit more organized. There is a lot to do, but we can work on it little by little. I also made a comfy “house” for the outside cats on a bottom shelf. I draped an old blanket over the shelf above so that it hung down front and back, and over that I draped a large carpet remnant from JJ’s old bedroom downstate, curling it onto the bottom shelf so the cats could lay on it. Over that I draped a mat that the treadmill used to set on. On top of the carpet remnant on the bottom shelf I put an old carharts coat, and then a blanket on top of that to provide a bed for the cats. The cats now have an enclosed little house that is pretty well insulated. EJ suggested we put a heating pad in there when the days get colder.
The weather warmed up and the temperatures reached into the 60s today. A thunderstorm moved in about the time EJ had to leave for work this evening. I took a video–well, actually, several–of the lightning and rain and clouds. I captured a few streaks and flashes of lightning in this last one:
Yesterday I came across an article at FB entitled, “How Each Personality Type Responds To Nature.” If you recall my delight in nature and the wildlife that wanders through our land, and my longing to find peace and refreshment in our Enchanted Forest, then you will recognize that this description about INFJs described me exactly:
INFJs often feel a deep connection to nature. They enjoy the purity of wildlife and enjoy immersing themselves in it. An INFJ might enjoy the idea of living in the countryside and being able to experience some peace and quiet. There is something very relaxing and rejuvenating about nature for the INFJ. Being surrounded by nature can truly help the INFJ connect with their intuition on a deeper level. Letting go of all the harsh surroundings and just enjoying what the world has to offer. They enjoy the innocence and whimsical feeling of being surrounded by nature. Something about being encircled by wildlife makes the INFJ feel balanced and at peace.
That explains why I was so desperate and relieved to move up north. I think that mid-Michigan is pretty with its fields and farmlands, but I love wild forests and lakes best. Mid-Michigan had become a “harsh” place for us with our experiences of abusive people, and difficult workplaces, and battles with illness. I felt hungry to look out my window and see something other than houses and to look up into a night sky that is not dimmed by light pollution. My spirit has felt so dry that I needed to move to an area where I could be refreshed. Everyday we thank God for bringing us north.
This morning EJ went with me to the ophthalmologist’s office so I could order my glasses. I know the way, but besides the fact that EJ and I enjoy spending time together, he went with me in case there was a problem with our insurance. We were unable to order my new glass at my first appointment because there was no record of EJ having vision insurance. The next time we went to the office to order my glasses, the receptionist found that EJ was covered, but not that I was. This time the computers were down. I sighed, thinking I’d have to leave without my glasses ordered yet again. However, the receptionist took down all the measurements and information and said she’d complete the order when she was in the main office in the Emerald City this afternoon. My new glasses should arrive in a week or two. Yay!
The drive to and from the ophthalmologist was breathtaking. Click, click, click went my camera. I think that the normal camera setting doesn’t bring out the beautiful colors so I used the “Super Vivid” setting. However, I thought that setting made the colors too garish. It’s hard to photograph the colors of the leaves as they really are. On the way home, we stopped at a store. While EJ got gas, I ran in the store to grab two gallons of milk. My spirits sunk when I saw only one checkout lane open, and the woman ahead of me had a cart overflowing with groceries. I was so astounded when the cashier said to the customer, “Would you mind continuing to unload your cart while I go to the other cash register and ring this lady (me) out?” I have let people go ahead of me when they had fewer groceries than I did, and I have had people let me go ahead of them, but I’ve never had a cashier do what this one did. I think the people are truly amazing up here.
On the way to and from the ophthalmologist’s office, EJ and I talked, as we always do when we drive anywhere. The following is sort of what we talked about, with a few explanations for your benefit:
We have encountered many toxic people–not just family, but also friends. You don’t choose your family, of course, but you do choose your friends, so why would anyone choose toxic friends? You can read more details about emotional abuse and my own story here. However, to sum up, I will say that the thing about emotional abusers such as narcissists is that they are very insidious. They can appear to be very charming and loving to outsiders while they are abusing their victims. That’s so if the victim ever speaks up, no one will believe that such a charming, loving person could ever be abusive, and they will believe that the victim is the one who is abusive, unstable, unloving, and unforgiving. Therefore, the victim becomes victimized many times over: by the abuser and by all those who support him in accusing her. Also, through skillful manipulation, the abuser can “groom” the victim to accept abuse by eroding her confidence and identity so that she believes that she really is the awful abusive, unstable, unloving, and unforgiving person she is accused of being. Emotional abusers are described in the Bible in verses such as Psalms 55:22:
What he said sounded smoother than butter, but his heart was at war. His words seemed more soothing than oil, but in fact they were sharp swords.
Emotional abusers specifically target people who are very moral, compassionate, and forgiving because those people will try hard to salvage a relationship, especially if they think they are responsible–in whole or in part– for its failure. Abusers, like any predator, go where their “prey” is, and since Christians are taught to put others first, to love unconditionally, and to forgive without question, many abusers can be found in places like churches. The Bible also warned about this when it described wolves in sheep’s clothing.
In addition, victims tend to encounter multiple abusers because 1. either they grew up in an abusive family and never learned to set healthy boundaries, or 2. their boundaries were undermined and eroded by abusers. Part of recovery involves the victim learning to set boundaries and to say “No.”
I share all this to explain that we have encountered many toxic people in our lives–not just family, but also friends. None of them look as if they would be toxic. They have not looked like scary criminals or drug addicts or psychopaths in movies. They are parents, teachers, pastors, deacons, church members, farmers, or anyone. You can’t tell from the beginning that these people are emotionally abusive and it’s only when we have invested time and love into a relationship that we have finally uncovered that this deacon is manipulative and deceptive, or that friend who says he is a Christian uses people and has little integrity, or that pastor is extremely controlling and abusive, or that co-worker friend whom we’ve helped move twice is jealous and tried to get EJ fired and also said that if society fell apart he would first steal from us. I’m not making this stuff up. Some experts say that personality disorders such as Narcissism is increasing to epidemic levels, which actually verifies what 2 Timothy 3:1-5 says.
Moreover, understand this: in the Last Days will come trying times. People will be self-loving, money-loving, proud, arrogant, insulting, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, uncontrolled, brutal, hateful of good, traitorous, headstrong, swollen with conceit, loving pleasure rather than God, as they retain the outer form of religion but deny its power. Stay away from these people!
I don’t really understand why people have so much trouble believing these types of people exist when God says they do. And notice the Bible also says to stay away from them.
There are moments or experiences in life that I have used as a sort of Before and After or an Ending and Beginning. Moving up North is our Before and After and our Ending and Beginning. Before, we were ignorant of abuse, but After we experienced it, we learned to recognize and understand it, we struggled and battled it, and we grew from it. All through our lives, God has used every difficult, painful, heartbreaking experience to teach us something important. Each encounter with an abusive person has taught us many deep and important truths about concepts such as abuse, love, forgiveness, repentance, and reconciliation. Each encounter has taught us about who we are and about healthy boundaries as well.
Still, abuse causes damage and there are a lot of entanglements for us downstate. If you haven’t experienced abuse, then you probably are unaware that places can trigger memories–of either happier times or painful times that now cause pain. And every time you go to a store, you find yourself scanning the crowd (even if you try not to) and planning what you will do if you encounter an abusive person. And if you do encounter them, it causes you anguish. There are friends who remain in your life, who you care about, but who constantly disregard boundaries or use every opportunity to take advantage of you.
Before there were toxic people in our lives. Moving up North was the Ending of our tolerance of such behaviors. We decided that we will set boundaries, we will not accept toxic friendships–old or new–up here. Some people have not been given our new phone numbers, our new emails, or our address. Others have become very limited friends. The Enchanted Forest is the Beginning of our healing, it will be our sanctuary.
EJ and I discussed these things on the way home from the ophthalmologist today. I remembered an awesome teaching from Ethics of the Fathers, ethical teachings found in the Talmud. I had studied these teachings with my Israeli friend and JJ and I studied The Book of Jewish Values, based largely on Ethics of the Fathers, in homeschool several years ago. We found them to be very practical and thought-provoking. We learned things such as that the Biblical command “Do not steal” doesn’t just mean don’t steal a person’s money or possessions, but also don’t steal his time or knowledge. For example, asking a store salesman for information about a product while actually planning to buy it from another store is stealing the salesman time and knowledge–because in taking his time by asking him about a product you have no intention of buying from him, you are preventing him from earning a commission from customers who would buy the product from him. You are actually stealing his living from him. We also learned that we should “judge all men (people) favorably.” For example, if you know a person is always honest, but one day appears to not be telling the truth, assume that you might not have all the facts and give him the benefit of the doubt. Don’t quickly assume he’s a liar. However, “Don’t associate with a bad neighbor.” In other words, if someone habitually lies, that’s not a one-time thing, that’s a serious character flaw. He’s a liar so don’t associate with him. Very practical.
Anyway, on the way home, I told EJ that I remembered an ethical teaching by an ancient Jewish sage named Hillel. I could remember only part of it, so I googled it when I got home.
“If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, when?” (Ethics of the Fathers, 1:14)
The quote was part of an article called, “Me, Myself, and I.” My post is getting a bit too long, so you can click on the link to read the whole teaching, but the author explained that the first part of the quote–If I am not for myself, who will be for me?–has to do with the struggle with identity, which is something that abuse victims struggle with. There’s a difference between our true self and the “self” that comes from others, the author wrote. The idea is that only by breaking away from the external forces that operate upon our “selves” can we hope to come to our true “selves.” This has to do with knowing who we are, and being who we are, which, really, also involves setting healthy boundaries.
I understand the second part–But if I am only for myself, who am I?–as meaning that after we have “discovered and learned to express our identity and individuality we need to take the next step and bring it out into the world to others. Each of us has something unique to contribute and no one else can bring it into the world.”
The third part–If not now, when?–means that we have to begin to put these things into practice. Not later, but now.
This is all very important to abuse victims because in an abusive family, there is a “group think” type of relationship. The abuser(s) is in control, and everyone has to think the same, believe the same, act the same, or say–or not say–the things the abuser tells them to. So in a very real sense, a victim loses her identity to the abuser who presses HIS (or her) thoughts, beliefs, actions, and words onto her. The person who resists is guilted, shamed, smeared, or otherwise punished. A victim has to be very strong, she has to be for herself enough to fight to break free, to value herself, to have her own thoughts and beliefs and actions and words, and to set boundaries.
At the same time, as EJ and I have seen, there are so many people who are only for themselves. They always seek the advantage, they are willing to lie or steal if it benefits them, they will betray friendships, they use people until they use them all up…and then they find someone else to use. If we are only for ourselves, I think we become the people described in 2 Timothy 3, which I quoted above.
So we have to be for ourselves, but also for others. And that is a vital thing to understand.
A Minute in My Mind
There are some memes that appear on my Facebook timeline now and then that I really hate because although they can seem true, and may be somewhat true in some circumstances, I think they are mostly just blarney, especially if you think about them for a minute. Here are a couple such memes that I dislike as well as my reasons for disliking them:
Seriously? Everything? So the abused child chose to suffer the damage of abuse? The cancer patient and his family chose to get cancer and the affect it has on them? The Christians being persecuted in other parts of the world are choosing it? I don’t think so.
Right. So if a person gets a life-threatening disease, is abused, raped, murdered…it’s because “Life is an Echo,” what he gave he gets, so he deserved it. If life is always an echo, then Jesus must have done something really bad to have crucifixtion “echoed” back. While there is a reaping and sowing concept described in the Bible, 2 Tim 3:12 also says: “In fact, everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted.” In other words life isn’t always an echo. Sometimes the wicked attack the innocent. Sometimes people give love and goodness and suffer for it.
I do think that our attitude and thoughts are important when it comes to handling the difficulties of life. However, such a meme is too simplistic, acting as if all we have to do is have “positive thinking.” There are actually studies that show that positive thinking can sometimes be dangerous if it causes a person to deny or not prepare for reality. Most importantly, such advice ignores the courageous struggles of millions of people who battle to overcome anxiety, depression, and PTSD due to trauma that they didn’t choose and didn’t deserve. They might appear “negative” but they are in reality warriors fighting terrible battles.
An estimated 40 million American adults live with anxiety disorders, which includes Post-Tramatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). 350 million people worldwide suffer from depression. Anxiety, PTSD, and depression can be caused by military service, abuse, life-threatening illness, being a caretaker of those who are ill, and so forth.
Between us, EJ, JJ, and I have suffered abuse, chronic pain, chronic illness, as well as other things. What affects one of us affects us all so we all have gone through a lot as a family. JJ told me last week that when he “dumped everything out” to his new counselor, the counselor said, “Wow, you really should write a book about your life. Your life sounds like the movie, Shawshank Redemption.” (EJ says that Shawshank Redemption is a very difficult movie to watch, and I’m not old enough to watch it. LOL.) It’s difficult to describe our experiences because people tend to disbelief the abuse, assume we are merely being negative or unforgiving, or invalidate our experiences in some other way.
A
ll those experiences were difficult and damaging–and then JJ was diagnosed with cancer. Cancer is a traumatic event and can cause patients and their caregivers to develop PTSD. Our nephew, who is an ex-soldier suffering from PTSD, described it as “a normal response to an abnormal experience.” As I wrote in my post Aftermath, cancer has had a deep effect on us, similar to the destructive aftermath of a tornado. We had not yet recovered from the trauma of cancer when we decided we absolutely had to move to get a fresh start in a beautiful place. While the move has been very, very good for us and we are happier than we’ve ever been before, moving and settling into a new place is stressful, which has added to our exhaustion.
The other day a FB friend who is going through a lot of difficulties told me that her doctor had given her information about “Caregiver Burnout.” WebMD says that “Caregiver burnout is a state of physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion that can occur when caregivers don’t get the help they need, or if they try to do more than they are able — either physically or financially.” In other words, they stay too strong for too long. “Caregivers who are “burned out” may experience fatigue, stress, anxiety, and depression. When you’re burned out, it’s tough to do anything, let alone look after someone else. That’s why making time to rest, relax, and recharge isn’t a luxury.”
After I read this, I told EJ, “I think we are experiencing Caregiver Burnout. But there seems to be such a similarity between the symptoms of Burnout and PTSD that I wonder what the difference between the two are and which we have?” He said, “I think we are suffering from both.”
I guess in many ways this post is an attempt to educate the family and friends of those who have experienced traumatic events in their lives and who are suffering from PTSD, Anxiety, and/or Caregiver Burnout.
When JJ was little, I was diagnosed with chronic sinus infections, two bouts of Mono, and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome–all at the same time. (I tell you, our lives have been crazy.) Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (with the other complications) was very difficult because a normal person can exert himself and recover after rest. With CFS, I was always very fatigued, and if I tried to exert myself I just depleted my strength further. Rest didn’t restore me. I often felt as if my life vitality was like a piece of elastic with no elasticity in it–all limp and no stretchiness or bounce. In many ways, I feel as if EJ, JJ, and I are suffering from burnout so severe that it’s sort of like an emotional Chronic Fatigue. We are easily exhausted, easily overwhelmed, we have anxiety attacks, insomnia, and other symptoms.
It used to be that when something “extra” was required, we could find the energy to do it, knowing that we could rest afterwards. These days we feel as if there is nothing in reserve to get us through stuff that normally would just be annoyances or inconveniences. It takes a lot of energy to care for each other, to finish settling in to our new home, into new jobs, to find new stores, and new doctors. It’s financially, physically, and emotionally draining to have to keep making the long trip to the old house to move another load of possessions. (We are tired and depressed for days afterwards.) Any extra demands or expectations–even good ones–can exhaust and overwhelm us and trigger an anxiety attack.
We moved North so we could refresh and renew our spirits, diminish our chronic stress, recover from trauma, rest, and learn to enjoy life again. However, it will take time and effort for us to recover. Among other things, resting as much as possible, enjoying the quietness and beauty around us, going for drives, disconnecting from anxiety by focusing on the moment, doing fun things as a family, watching Netflix, and even coloring are all ways that we are battling the anxiety. Taking photographs and videos, writing in this blog, and studying Hebrew with my friend fills me with delight and laughter. These activities are not luxuries, they are necessities.
We also are learning to say “No.” I told EJ that I am learning to set boundaries out of desperation–because I feel like I won’t survive if I don’t. He agrees. We can’t endure much more trauma so we are very careful who we allow into our lives. We won’t allow any more abusive or toxic people into our lives who suck the energy and joy from us. We can’t.
If you are in our lives, it’s because we really want you to be. If we accept an invitation, it’s because we really want to see you. However, even people we love can deplete our limited energy, so we have to be careful about overdoing. Little expectations, requests, and demands are not little to us. It’s all we can do to care for the routine demands of our day. It’s tough to do anything, let alone look after someone else. So please accept the boundaries we set. If we say we can’t handle something, we really can’t handle it. If we shorten a visit, it’s because a long one is too overwhelming.
It’s not about you. Right now, it’s about us.
Firsts
This morning I studied Hebrew with my friend again on Google+. We are probably two of the slowest Hebrew students ever, but we love it so much and want to learn it so much that I think God should just give us an “A” for effort. Studying Hebrew with my friend is one of the highlights of my life because we laugh and have so much fun.
While we were studying, the Propane Guy came to fill up our propane tank. Poor EJ hadn’t been to bed very long, but I woke him up to deal with the Propane Guy because I have never, ever before lived in a house using propane and I felt out of my depth. There probably was nothing to it except to point to the tank and then write a check, but dealing with the Gravel Guy seemed simple too until he asked me questions that I had no idea how to answer. When the Propane Guy came to our door so we could pay him, I saw him pick up Tesla and cuddle her, which automatically made me like him.
I have a lot of Irish in my ancestry, so the name of our propane company is appealing: Blarney Castle. A week or so ago EJ told me that he had been practicing what he would say when he called to order the propane. In an Irish brogue he said, “Sure, an’ I’ll be needin’ some pro-pane brought to me wee humble cottage, the one at the top o’ the hill on the road to our little valley.” He didn’t actually say that, but we had a bit of a laugh at the thought.
Sometimes I think about all the “firsts” I am experiencing up here in the north: This is the first time I lived in a house using propane. This is the first time I’ve had well water. This is the first time I ever lived in the country. I’ve only ever lived in a town. This is the first time I’ve ever had more property than a city yard. This is the first time I’ve ever lived in a place where I can’t see my neighbors. This is the first time I’ve ever lived surrounded by a forest. This is the first time I’ve ever experience a darkness so dark, and a quietness so quiet. This is the first time I didn’t have to rake leaves in the autumn. In fact, the decaying leaves will be beneficial to our soil up here. This is the first time I’ve ever had wildlife wandering through my yard. The firsts go on and on and on, and they are really fun to think about. Every day I say to myself, “This is the first time…”
Today was another first: It was the first time I have ever been in Northern Michigan when it snowed. This morning it started out raining, and then it switched to snow, and then it went right back to rain in the blink of an eye–but it was actually snow. I thought that was the most we’d get, but then towards evening EJ pointed to the window and I looked outside and it was snowing, snowing, snowing. Excited, I ran outside with my camera and took a video of it.
This is the first time I have seen it snow so early in the year in a long, long time–and maybe ever. When I was a child growing up in mid-Michigan, I remember getting snow in November and even a little in late October. However, for years and years we have had late snow–sometimes not even until January. Snow this early in the year is amazing.
Winter weather is rapidly arriving and I’m not sure I’m ready for winter. I’m not quite sure what to expect from a Northern Michigan winter. However, it’s coming whether I am ready or not. I think it will be an adventure.
A Crazy Day in Michigan
When I wrote the other day about soon needing to exchange jackets for winter coats, I didn’t expect it to occur so quickly. Meteorologists are forecasting snow for our area this weekend, although I don’t think it’s going to be measurable.
Meanwhile, today’s weather was rather crazy. The morning started out sunny and then clouds moved in. A lot of people don’t like Michigan’s cloudy weather, which is caused by the Great Lakes, but I love the dramatic touch they add to the scenery. A little later, pouring rain came in with a few rumbles of thunder. I looked out the window but didn’t see any lightning. However, we did get some half-inch hail, which bounced in the yard like popcorn.
Later in the day, the wind picked up and I looked out the window and saw leaves pouring from the trees like a different kind of rain. If the rain of leaves continues, it won’t be long before the trees are bare.
JJ texted me from work tonight and he said he saw snow. Brrr. I don’t miss all the hard work of gathering a winter’s supply of firewood, but there is nothing like heat from a woodstove and I will miss its warmth.
Not long after we moved up to Northern Michigan, I contacted Cancer Services at the hospital to find JJ a counselor or support group. Cancer really affects people in his age group and it doesn’t hurt to get help in processing the trauma. I talked to several very nice people and found JJ a counselor, but we couldn’t keep her because she wasn’t covered by our insurance. JJ asked me to find him another counselor, so I researched on-line and finally found two that I thought sounded good. He made the final selection. One of the counselors had the same name as the psychiatrist in the Batman stories who often used treatment sessions to experiment on patients at Arkham Asylum. JJ did not choose that therapist to be his counselor. It’s best to be careful.
JJ chose the other counselor instead and he had his first appointment today. He asked me to go with him this time. Since I wanted to get cat food at a store not too far away anyway, I agreed. We started off at about 9 a.m.
Oh, my goodness, the drive was absolutely gorgeous. There is nothing like driving through miles of forest that is dressed in vivid yellows, oranges, and reds. It’s a wonder that we didn’t end up in a ditch because I could hardly keep my eyes on the road. If I had not been driving, I would have taken millions of pictures.
The counselor’s house, which is where he had his sessions, was located on a beautiful peninsula. The road ran along the bay, with only a narrow strip of land separating the two. Because of the location, most of the houses were very beautiful and expensive. I really do love our more humble home and wouldn’t want to live anywhere else, but both EJ and I enjoy the architecture and landscaping of more expensive places. We don’t begrudge people enjoying the fruit of their labors. The counselor’s house was located up a steep driveway–much steeper even then ours. Unlike most places, there was no “turn-around” spot at the top so after JJ had met and gone off with the counselor, I had to back down the hill. I was still feeling the effects of yesterday’s anxiety attack so backing down such a driveway stressed me.
Viki, our GPS, helped me locate the “feed and seed” store where I bought two huge bags of cat food. I don’t want to run out of cat food in the winter and buying bulk is cheaper than the little bags at the grocery stores. I had lots of time left before I had to pick up JJ, so with Viki’s help I went back to the peninsula and wandered the winding, steep hills. I drove along the beautiful coast, and past many large beautiful vineyards and apple and cherry orchards. I pulled off the road at a scenic turnout and was stunned by the beautiful view: a large vineyard in the foreground with beautiful trees separating it from the lake. Click, click, click, went my camera.
Finally, I made my way back to the counselor’s. I didn’t want to go back up–or back down–that driveway, so I parked at an almost turn-around spot toward the bottom. I always carry a book in my purse, so I got comfy and read while I waited for JJ’s session to be over.
I consider JJ’s sessions to be private between him and his counselor so I don’t pry. However, JJ told me on the way home that he really likes this counselor. The counselor was amazed at all that we have been through as a family and he said he was very proud of the progress JJ has made. We have told JJ this as well, but sometimes it feels more believable if it comes from a stranger.
Aftermath
Last night JJ returned home from work in a very happy mood. “I love living up here. I really like my job!” he exclaimed. He says his co-workers are all extremely nice and friendly and helpful. Also, at a meeting that day he had been praised because a customer had given him a “10”–the highest score possible–on a review card customers can fill out rating the quality of service they received from employees. This is not the first “perfect” JJ has received from customers. I love seeing JJ so happy and doing so well.
This morning as soon as I woke up, I got dressed, I made coffee, I fed the pets, and I sat down at my laptop and logged-on to Google+ to study Hebrew with my friend. She lives in another state, but we study Hebrew together via videochat. We love studying Hebrew together. Hebrew is unlike any other language. It is more than simply learning vocabulary words and grammar. The letters and words have deep meaning and teach about God and faith and life. Studying always leads us into deep discussions and we have the greatest time. We had to stop studying together when JJ was diagnosed with cancer and today was our first day back. It felt good.
My friend co-administers a Hebraic website (His-Israel) with an awesome Israeli Hebrew/Bible scholar. I have become friends with this woman as well, and have even had the wonderful opportunity to study with her. I have learned so much from her! She is very gracious and EJ thinks her voice sounds as soft and gentle as a cooing dove. My friend told me today that when she mentioned to our Israeli friend that we were going to study Hebrew again, our Israeli friend reminded her that when Jewish people make aliyah, which means they immigrate to Israel, it is traditional for them to change their names–especially if they have nonHebrew names–to reflect their new ties with the land and people of Israel. She said, “You and TJ have such a love for the people of Israel that I think you should adopt Hebrew names to use whenever you study Hebrew together.” My friend asked her what names she would suggest and our Israeli friend chose Hebrew names for us that she felt described our characters. The name she gave me is Tali, which means the gentle rain that falls from Heaven, or dew from Heaven. Being given a beautiful Hebrew name chosen just for me feels like receiving a formal blessing.
I felt deep, deep joy and contentment today.
And then our realtor called EJ and told him that it is good that he removed more possessions from our old house and that we need to keep going down there to remove more so that the house shows better.
Then I had an anxiety attack that was so severe that I felt as if I couldn’t breath and I felt sick to my stomach. I told EJ that I don’t want him to drive down to the old house and try to load heavy things by himself, but I’m not sure how many more times I can endure going down there.
There are some very good people downstate and there are people who love that area, but for us it has become a place of struggle, abuse (my family of origin), sickness, pain, loss, and heartache. Sometimes I try to describe our experiences–and I have just now spent a long time trying again to describe them, but I erased it all–because it’s impossible to put it into believable words. We have always been thankful, counted our blessings, and tried to bloom where we were planted, and we have always prayed that God would give us strength to get through trials and to teach us through them. However, early last year we finally reached the point at which I begged God to get us out of there and into a better place. And He did.
When I was a child, my siblings would sometimes watch those old classic horror movies about mummies or vampires. Those movies terrified me because no matter how hard they tried, the people could never escape from the terrible monsters that threatened them. The woman would stumble or the car wouldn’t start or rain would wash out the road. Sometimes our old house feels like being caught in an old horror movie. At his old job EJ often had to work long hours, at a difficult company, for many weeks without a day off. When he finally did get a rare day off, he was exhausted, sick, and in pain, but he’d have to choose between working on the house or resting and not getting urgent projects done. We rarely were able to just have fun. We poured a lot of time, effort, and money into that house. We want to close that chapter of our lives, but we are still being pulled back: We still have to pour limited physical, emotional, and financial resources into that house. It’s disheartening because with the bad housing market, our house is listed at far below what we paid for it years ago. And just when we start to think we can have a moment of enjoyment up here, the realtor calls to yank us back down there.
It’s not as if the realtor and we don’t know that we are doing the best we can to get down there. We really don’t need the reminders. And it’s not as if our house is filled with junk. It’s not. Mostly we just have stuff from the basement to move. It’s going slow because we don’t have many people to help us, and even when a person volunteers, we don’t have a truck or trailer to haul the stuff and we can’t afford to rent another Uhaul.
I just want God to please, pretty please, get us the help we need and sell the house so the tortuous burden can be lifted from us. We were strong for a really long time, but JJ’s cancer–on top of everything else–broke our stamina and strength.
Cancer and its recovery reminds me of The Beecher Tornado and it’s aftermath.
The Beecher Tornado touched down just north of Flint, Michigan, at about 8:30 pm, on Monday evening, June 8, 1953. Most people living in the area were at home with the children in bed. By the time people heard the storm’s roar their houses were being torn apart. Most of the casualties and damage occurred in the unincorporated community of Beecher, a suburb on the northern edge of the city of Flint. Large sections of neighborhoods were completely blown away, with only building foundations left. The slow-moving tornado wrecked 340 houses, severely damaged many others and injured 844 persons. The Beecher tornado was the last single tornado to cause over 100 deaths in the United States. It is ranked the 9th deadliest tornado in U. S. history.
Most people have probably never heard of this tornado but it has great significance for EJ’s family. His paternal grandmother was injured in the tornado and spent about six months in the hospital. His father was coming home from his job at an automotive factory and noticed a flock of birds flying strangely in the sky. Then he realized that they weren’t birds, they were the roofs of houses being destroyed by the tornado. EJ’s mother was babysitting some kids at their house when the tornado struck. They made it through safely, but the house next door was totally destroyed and the family killed.
The Beecher Tornado struck years before EJ was born (and, I think, before his parents even knew each other). However, the tornado has affected EJ’s grandmother, his parents, and him. I had never even heard of it before I married EJ but he has told me the story many times because it’s in his family’s history and psyche and so it has become part of my life as well. Because of the Beecher Tornado, we stay very alert to weather conditions. We all love storms, but we also respect their power and danger.
When a trauma like a tornado or cancer occurs, people gather around to give aide and support. However, long after supporters have moved on, the victims must continue to deal with the destruction and work to rebuild their lives, which can take weeks or months or years. The effect of the trauma can be life-long and affect generations.
So even though it’s been more than a year since JJ’s cancer treatment ended, we are still in recovery. Life is not yet “back to normal” for us. Sometimes I wonder if it takes everyone this long to recover or only us? But then I get hints that recovery is difficult for most everyone. For example, a young guy that EJ used to work at his old company had the same type of cancer as JJ. EJ asked him how he recovered from cancer after his treatment. The guy said, “I drink and do drugs.” Uhm. Not an option for us. The young guy’s cancer returned and recently took his life. Scary.
We still feel apprehensive when JJ has a blood draw or CT scan, we still feel fear when he has strange pains, and it’s totally scary to read that people who have suffered cancer as teens or young adults tend to struggle in life and to have a high risk of getting cancer again. We also are still very tired, stressed, and easily overwhelmed. What seems like a small expectation, request, or event to others can feel overwhelming to us, even if it’s “good.” I haven’t yet figured out how to tell people that we appreciate it…or we’d like to help…or we’d normally love it…but it’s just too much right now. Mostly we’re just trying to deal with the anxiety and to rest. I’d like to say, “Keep it small, keep it short, or ask someone else.”
We’re Living, Living, Living in Northern Michigan
It began to rain last night and it has been raining off and on all day. I love how rain makes our forest appear wrapped in mist. The various weather changes the appearance of our forest from day to day–and even hour by hour.
With the rain came cooler temperatures so we have to wear jackets. Soon enough we will need to exchange our jackets for winter coats, hats, mittens, and boots. I washed all the coats a week ago in preparation for colder weather. I will have to hunt for our boots. They are somewhere among the boxes still in the garage.
The trees were even more colorful this morning. In fact, I almost think I can see the leaves becoming more vivid right before my eyes. I wonder if it’s possible to overdose on beauty? If so, I’m sure I’m nearing that point. Every time I glance out a window, I have to pause in amazement and say, “Thank You!”
The meteorologists are saying that the color peak will occur in a few days. Already the leaves are beginning to fall. We can see the red roof of the neighbor’s house more clearly now. The red roof makes me think of Lincoln Logs cabins. I told EJ and JJ that we will have to plant evergreen trees at the bottom of the driveway so no one can see us even when the other trees lose their leaves. I like feeling safely hidden in our secret Enchanted Forest.
I took my camera outside with me this morning in yet another attempt to capture the beauty of the leaves. I laughed as I envisioned myself taking millions of pictures of our Enchanted Forest every year so that there would be billions and billions of photos of our trees left behind after I died.
I thought that maybe a video would be better than photos at capturing the autumn colors so I took a video as Danny and I walked down to the mailbox this morning. I was afraid that I had lost the video by accidentally turning off the camera instead of pushing the video stop button which, to my dismay, sometimes happens. I never said that I was a good photographer, or even an adequate one. Just in case I had lost the first video, I took another one as we were walking back up the driveway after getting the mail. It turned out that I didn’t lose either video, but then I couldn’t decide which one to share here. I liked them both because they each show a slightly unique perspective of the forest and also of Danny. The first video is shorter than the second one but doesn’t show as much of Danny’s personality. I have a friend whose cute dog is very energetic and races all over, but Danny just quietly goes where he wants at his own pace. Well, I decided I’d share both videos and let you decide which one–or both–that you want to watch.
A flock of turkeys walked through our yard early this afternoon. EJ saw them first and whispered, “The turkey’s are here!” I don’t know why we always whisper when we see the turkeys, even though they can’t possibly hear us when we are in the house with the windows closed. I think we are just so thrilled each time we see them. We always pause and watch them when they appear. We have developed a love for the beautiful birds.
This weekend was rather difficult for JJ. It was the two-year anniversary of his cancer diagnosis and first surgery, he went back to the old house with his Dad, and then he’s trying to figure out how to enroll in college next year. Very emotional stuff. Not long ago I read an article that said a study revealed that teens and young adults are greatly affected by cancer because it happens at a time of important development–when they are beginning to become more independent from their parents and preparing to leave the nest. Because this was interrupted, they often really struggle to get back on track. JJ sometimes feels that he needs to catch up to his peers who have forged ahead with their life plans, and some of his peers who don’t understand cancer or PTSD tell him that he is simply unmotivated, etc. It’s really hard. I tell him that he has a job, he’s working towards college, and he’s doing really well, so stop putting so much pressure on himself.
I also just read that there is a high risk that people who get cancer as teens or young adults have a high chance of getting cancer again later in life. That is really, really scary. I don’t know if we could endure cancer again. The experience sure has affected us all. But we keep telling each other that we are up in the beautiful North to recover, and to rest, and to enjoy life again. We will get through this.
The UPS truck brought us a box from Amazon today. When I was growing up, we never spelled out the name of the company: U-P-S. Instead, we called it UPS, like the opposite of down. We would yell, “The UPS Man is here!” like he was some sort of superhero. Maybe he is–after all, he brings us lots of good stuff. I still yell “The UPS Man is here!” sometimes. Old habits are hard to break and I think UPS sounds more whimsical than U-P-S letters. Anyway, we order quite a few things from Amazon because it’s often easier and cheaper than trying to get to a store. We have Amazon Prime so the shipping is free and, hey, why not just have stuff delivered right to our door?
Today the UPS Man brought the three flashlights I had ordered. Our current flashlights aren’t powerful enough to light up the dark Enchanted Forest night. The new flashlights were very inexpensive and the reviews said they were very powerful and their light reached a good distance. I want to have a chance to see what is getting ready to pounce and eat me when I take Danny out at night. A couple of weeks ago, when EJ and I took Danny out, we saw eyes shining from the forest, but we couldn’t see what animal it was. EJ said he didn’t think it was a deer or bear because of their color and size. He guesses maybe a coyote.
The UPS Man also delivered brackets so we can build simple inexpensive floor-to-ceiling bookshelves in the library. We don’t have the wood for the shelves yet, and with EJ working overtime I don’t know when he will have the time to build them, but at least I have the brackets. With brackets, I can dream of getting the books out of the boxes.
This morning one of the Northern Michigan Facebook pages shared a video that really describes the beauty and joy of living in Northern Michigan. This area has a bit of everything: incredible natural beauty, outdoor summer and winter activities, history, cultural events, libraries, and food. Many people who have visited this area long to return and people who move into this area say that it’s like heaven and they will never move south again. I told EJ that I found our theme song. He said, “We don’t need a theme song!” Then I played the video for him and he said, “Ok. So I guess we do have a theme song.”
Can you believe it? This is where we live now! We are living, living, living in Northern Michigan!
A Colorful Day
As soon as I got out of bed this morning, I peeked out our bedroom curtain and saw the forest glowing with a golden light. It was beautiful.
Overnight the trees of our Enchanted Forest have bloomed with color. The beauty is breathtaking and I couldn’t help pausing often to drink it in with wonder. I realized yesterday as EJ and I drove on M-22 to enjoy the colorful foliage that I have always been in Northern Michigan in the summer, and never ever in the autumn or winter or spring. So these beautiful seasons are all enchantingly new to me.
After the golden light faded, the clouds made the sky gray–just a gray color with no dramatic clouds. Later the sky became blue with wispy white clouds. It was a beautiful warm autumn day. EJ read that we’ve been having temperatures that are 25 degrees above normal but that’s about to change and we will begin to get cooler weather. Over the next week or two, the highs are forecasted to be in the upper 50s and the lows in the 40s…and even dipping into the 30s.
Throughout the day, I kept going outside to photograph our colorful forest, but my camera is an inexpensive one and just can’t capture the full beauty. (Plus, I’m not exactly a knowledgeable photographer.) I think that the light of the sky darkens pictures of the forest at the end of the drive? In reality the colors are more vivid than in the photos. Tesla followed me as I walked around the yard with my camera and I was able to get a cute picture of her sitting on the park bench.
Later EJ and I walked down to the mailbox to get the mail. As usual, Danny came with us and Tesla also followed us. I always feel magical with EJ and his staff and the pets following us down the driveway. EJ always scoops up Tesla on the way back and carries her home.
I told EJ that it makes me happy that Danny gets to spend the second half of his life in the Enchanted Forest. Down south at the old house, he could only roam our small fenced-in yard. Up here in the North, he has a many times more area to enjoy. Many times Danny looks up at me with a grin, and I think he is as happy as we are to live in such a beautiful place.
EJ’s work hours have changed for a few weeks, so he now goes to work in the evening and gets home very early in the morning. Early this afternoon we unloaded the Suburban that was filled with stuff that EJ and JJ brought up from the old house on Saturday. The “stuff” included my last two birdhouses. I had not brought them before because baby sparrows were still in them. EJ was able to pull one of the birdhouses up, pole and all. The other house was on a post that formed part of Danny’s old dog pen so EJ couldn’t just pull it up. He was going to unscrew the birdhouse from the post but he didn’t have a ladder down there–but he did have a saw so he just sawed off the top of the post with the house on it.
For weeks I have been pondering where to put these last two birdhouses. At our old house, I had them right outside the windows so we could easily see inside. That was cool. Up here, though, birds have the whole Enchanted Forest to nest in and I didn’t think that they would find it appealing to nest near the house. I didn’t want these last two houses to be too close to the birdhouses I already put up earlier in the summer because in the south the sparrows fought if the houses were too close. I also didn’t want anything to block my beautiful view. I decided, finally, to put one house several feet to the left of our park bench. I carried the birdhouse and post to the chosen spot this afternoon while EJ carried the posthole digger. He dug the hole and I positioned the post in the hole and then he filled the dirt in and stamped it down.
The birdhouse we put up today has three “apartments.” After we got it up, EJ noticed that one of the three entrance holes was gnawed, as if a bird or animal had tried to enlarge it. I’m not sure what sort of critter would have done that.
EJ will unscrew the other house from the post and then fasten it to a post that was already in the yard when we moved in–up near the big rocks.
America’s Best Scenic Autumn Drive
EJ has been told by his company that he can expect to work a lot overtime in the next few weeks, so we decided to get out and enjoy the fall colors while we still can. We invited JJ to go along with us but he was tired from yesterday’s long trip to and from the old house so he chose to have a quiet day at home. He doesn’t enjoy drives as much as we do.
EJ and I drove along M-22 which, according to USA TODAY, is the most scenic drive in the country to view fall foliage. The drive took us through vividly colored forests, along beautiful lakes that were each a different color of blue, and past sand dunes, wineries, apple orchards, and quaint towns. The day was sunny without a cloud in the deep blue sky. The temperature was chilly and breezy, just right for sweatshirts and jeans.
This is a Pure Michigan video about M-22 that was filmed in 2010 and is narrated by Tim Allen:
The drive was so amazingly beautiful that at times we actually cried tears of joy, which has never happened to me before. It’s impossible to describe the amazement and wonder, the contentment and joy, we feel about living in beautiful Northern Michigan. We are only a day-trip away from all the beauty we loved as children when our families vacationed in this region of the state.
EJ was going to take me out to eat at a restaurant, but many of the restaurants were crowded so we decided instead to stop at a grocery store for simple picnic foods. We drove to a small park on a lake to eat. We were going to eat at a picnic table in the pavilion, but it was a bit too windy so we ate in the Buggy.
Here are photos I took during our travels today. Most of them were taken as we drove along, but we stopped in a couple of places to enjoy the views. The photos show many of the different lakes we drove by. You can also see some of the beautiful trees.
Later this evening, EJ, Danny, and I walked around our property and then sat on our park bench to enjoy the evening. There is a word that I came across at Facebook a few months ago. I can’t remember the word, and I cannot find it, but it means something like “To reach a place where you feel you finally belong, a place that feels like home.” That is what we feel living here. Throughout the day, as we do on many days, we exclaimed in wonder, “Can you believe that we really live here? I can’t believe that we actually had the chutzpah to move here!”
