I Love To Go A Gardening
Growing Our Life in Northern Michigan
On Our Walk….
We have had some warm days, but the weather has a hint of autumn in it now. Some of the leaves on the trees are getting edged with color. I love every season of the year, but I think autumn is my favorite. I like the vivid color of autumn and the crisp cool air. I love the dark dramatic clouds as well as sunshine that sets the trees ablaze. Winter is a close favorite. I enjoy wrapping myself in a warm quilt on cold winter days, enjoying a blazing fire in the wood stove while the snow swirls outside, sipping cups of hot coffee, cuddling with cats. This afternoon it rained quite hard for a while. I enjoy rainy days for many of the same reasons that I enjoy wintry days: They make me feel cozy and cuddly.
Ever since EJ’s doctor appointment last week, we have been walking Danny together each morning. EJ has only missed two days of walking–the first was on a day he had to leave for work at 10:30 a.m. for a 12 hour shift, and the second was the day after his 12 hour shift when he was exhausted.
Sometimes it’s difficult for EJ to get started because he is stiff with pain, but once he gets started he enjoys the walks. I think the hardest part of a walk is the beginning. One reason I love to walk a dog is that my dog gets me past the initial “I don’t really feel like going today.” Without a dog, it would be easy to not walk because it’s too hot, too cold, too rainy, too snowy, or I just don’t feel like walking. However, it’s difficult to ignore my dog’s hopeful anticipation so I always go….and then I love the walk. Both EJ and I have always been interested in small curiosities and wonders, so we enjoy flowers, interesting insects, and people watching.
I thought I’d share a few pictures I took on a walk a few days ago–on one of the days EJ didn’t go with me. When he is with me, we usually talk instead of take pictures. We usually take the same route. I used to walk a mile into the country and a mile back, but one hot summer day several years ago, Danny got hot and lay down and I couldn’t get him to move on. So for the rest of the summer I took him on shorter walks which got set in routine. Danny loves his route and he gets upset if I deviate from it too much.
Our Village is very small–only a few blocks long and wide. Two blocks away from home we walk past a lovely little field. The owners let the grass and wildflowers grow long and then they cut it for hay….or straw. I can never tell the difference between hay and straw except that one is used for eating and the other for the stall floor–or hay rides. It’s interesting seeing huge round hay (or straw) bales dotting the field within the Village limits. In the picture above, the field is on the left. We pass the field twice–once on the east side of the field and then on the west side. Here are pictures of the field. You can click on them to enlarge them.
At the end of the street in the first picture is a park that the Village has been developing. The village has been working on it for a couple of years now. There are nature trails along the perimeter of the park. Several Boy Scouts have done their Eagle Scout projects at this park–including JJ. An Eagle Scout project involves planning the community service, arranging funding, getting together supplies and tools, finding volunteers, scheduling work days, and documenting all the work in a notebook, which has to be approved by an Eagle Scout counselor. In front of the trees in the middle of the picture of the park is a small pond that JJ beautified for his Eagle Scout project. He had to clean out the pond, move all the rocks and boulders surrounding the pond, take out the old liner, put in a new liner, and then put all the rocks back and fill the pond with water. Here are a few pictures of his project:
After JJ finished his project, the Village put a pretty fence around the pond to keep little children from falling in.
After we pass the field for the second time on our daily walk, we are back in among houses. Sometimes we say hi to neighbors we meet along the way. Then we are home!
I don’t know if you have ever seen videos of cats riding on Roombas? If you haven’t seen any, click here to watch one of many that are available on Youtube: Cat on Roomba. For some odd reason, cats seem to love to ride on Roombas. I mention this because after EJ, Danny, and I returned home from our walk this morning, I went out in the kitchen and found Kee-Kee sitting on my food dehydrator, which I had recently used to dry hot peppers from our garden. He looked very much like a cat sitting on a Roomba. I wondered if he was trying to hint to me that he wanted a Roomba? Silly cat.
A Hat Full of Rocks
When I came downstairs this morning, JJ was up. In the last few months I have exclaimed, “Wow! You are up early!” but I stopped saying that because he always responded “No, I am not up early. I am up still. I haven’t been to bed.” Since his cancer treatments, his sleep patterns have been all messed up. This morning he told me that he was going to try to stay up as late as he could. Each day he hopes to stay up a little later until he is actually sleeping at night and awake during the day. Today he made it to 11 a.m.
This morning one of our elderly neighbors stopped in for a visit. He used to work with EJ until he got sick several years ago, and now he enjoys visiting neighbors and bringing them veggies from his garden. We have a garden but our retired neighbors’ gardens always produce more than ours. Maybe because they have more sunshine, or they plant different things than we do, or they have larger gardens, or they just have more time to devote to their gardens. This particular neighbor greeted JJ warmly and then told him many stories about people he knows who have cancer. Several have died from it. I was afraid this would really disturb JJ, and he did bring it up later, but he understands that this neighbor is very old and frail and he said, “As far as I am concerned, [our neighbor] can say anything he likes to me and it’s ok.” I thought, “Wow! I have a really tremendous son! He shows such love and respect to the elderly.”
After our neighbor left and JJ went to bed, EJ and I took Danny for his walk. Danny pulled us to the nature trails at the park that the Village has been developing over the last couple of years. We let Danny choose which trails to go on–although Danny didn’t really ask us which way to go, he just chose this path or that path and we followed him. When the trails lead back out to the playground/picnic area, we continued on our regular route home.
Just before EJ left for work, we drove to the little gas station. EJ needed to get gas in the car and I needed to get gas for the lawn mower. Yesterday I ran out of gas in the lawn mower just before I finished. I just had a small patch left to mow. I didn’t want to walk to the gas station by myself to get more gas because I didn’t want to leave the container of gas outside while I went inside to pay for it and I didn’t want to bring the gas container into the store with me. It’s easier to either have JJ go with me to guard the gas container while I pay for the gas or to drive the car so I don’t have this dilemma. After EJ left for work, I filled the mower and finished the lawn.
The weather is really oh, so cool today. I think the temperature got down to 48 last night and it reached only the high 60s (or low 70s, depending on which website I looked at). Tonight the temps are supposed to drop to the low 40s. The cooler weather has made me perk up…like Frosty the Snowman when the cold air revived him after he melted in the greenhouse in the old children’s cartoon. Then my mind went off on a rabbit trail–it always amazes me how a thought can lead a person down surprising paths. Thinking of Frosty made me think of the magic hat that gave him life, which sparked a memory of when I was very young. I was out walking (with my Mom, I think) when I found an old hat full of rocks on a neighbor’s fence post. I don’t know why the hat was on the fence post or why it was full of rocks, but I dumped out the rocks and took the old hat home. I loved it and wore it all everywhere and all the time. I have just this one picture of me wearing my old hat. I have no idea what eventually happened to it. It was old when I found it so maybe it simply fell apart.
Anyway, today was so awesomely cool that after I mowed the patch of lawn, I ended up weeding for a while. I picked a few ripe hot peppers and got them to drying in the dehydrator. I washed the dishes, cleaned out the fridge, dumping too-old food, washed more dishes, made potato salad, and washed more dishes.
I love cool days.
Times Two
This has been a busy week, relatively speaking.
Sunday afternoon EJ and I went grocery shopping. We have always gone shopping together. Going together makes grocery shopping more fun and less of a chore. We enjoy being together and with both of us adding to the cart, it takes less time. EJ is not the type of husband who comes home with snacks and no food.
Sundays are the best time for us to shop, especially if EJ doesn’t have to go to work later. However, we have to be careful not to go right after church is over because then the store is full of women wearing perfume and EJ is allergic to it. Unless a person is allergic to perfume–or is close to someone who is–I don’t think they consider how much of a problem perfume can be. I often think how good it is that EJ married me because I never got in the habit of wearing perfume. I had perfume when I was a child–usually it was given to me as gifts–but I kept forgetting to put it on. Our house was old and there were heat registers in only three of the seven rooms upstairs. My bedroom was the furthest from the heat so on winter mornings I’d grab my clothes and get dressed downstairs where it was warmer. More times than not I’d remember later, “Oh, I forgot to put on perfume!” but I never wanted to go back upstairs to put it on. Hence, no perfume habit to break.
Anyway, we went shopping later in the afternoon on Sunday so we were able to avoid most of the perfumed church ladies.
Monday is sort of a fog. I think it rained most of the day. JJ told me he had a growth under his arm that he was worried about. It had grown and was becoming irritating. I told him I thought it was a skin tag, which is not dangerous or anything, but he was worried it might be a cancerous growth and asked me to call the doctor for an appointment. He reminded me of it the next morning so after he went to bed (he was up all night and went to bed about 8 a.m.), I called our family doctor. The receptionist told me there was an opening that morning. I woke JJ and told him he had 20 minutes to get ready. He exclaimed, “ACK! When I asked you to make a doctor’s appointment, I didn’t mean TODAY!” but I told him that I work FAST and we might as well get him in so he can be reassured. I drove him to the doctor’s office (an hour trip), and she confirmed that it was just a skin tag and not dangerous. She compassionately snipped it off so it would stop irritating him. When we got home, JJ was exhausted from no sleep so he went to bed and slept most of the day. And then was awake all night. And went to bed this morning at about 8:30 a.m. His days and nights are all messed up.
This morning EJ had an appointment with the same doctor. It was just a followup to see how he is reacting to his new medication and all. I went with him to help him remember what the doctor said and also to tattle on him when necessary. He always downplays his problems. I told the doctor that EJ has suffered a lot of back pain this summer. The doctor said that there is no magic cure for back pain, but it would be helpful for EJ to exercise every day. I said, a bit self-righteously, that I walk my dog EVERY day. The doctor said EJ needed to go with me. Even though he is tired and in pain, she urged him to walk with me for a month before he gave up because after a bit he’d notice that it would help him and he’d feel better.
Both the nurse and doctor laughed to see me back the second time in two days. I announced that I would NOT be back tomorrow.
After we got home and ate lunch, EJ went on a walk with Danny and me.
We have one of those expandable screens in our living room window. After we got back, we were sitting in the living room and EJ suddenly saw that the screen had been slid open and our cat Timmy was standing in the opening getting ready to jump out. EJ rescued him and we reclosed the screen, relieved that we had prevented the indoor cat from getting outside. Later, we were in the kitchen and heard meowing outside. EJ looked out and saw Little Bear outside! Apparently, he had escaped before we spotted Timmy. I enticed Little Bear to me and brought him inside. He promptly went back to the living room window and examined it to see if he could jump out again so I closed the window. Later he escaped through a door that wasn’t tightly latched, and I had to catch him again. He’s had a taste of the wild outdoors so he’s going to have to be watched now.
After EJ left for work, I spent some time debating whether to mow the lawn today or tomorrow. I decided that I might as well get it done, so I went out and mowed it. The day is cool-ish so it was pleasant mowing the lawn–and now it looks very nice.
Nice & Boring
The days of this summer are passing by with one day blending into another without much change. I don’t mind that. Sometimes co-workers ask EJ “How’s life?” When he replies, “Nice and boring,” they respond, “What? Really? No, you want it EXCITING!” EJ says, “You mean like a drunk driver running me off the road? Or the machines at work exploding? Or my kid getting cancer? You mean excitement like that?” Then his co-workers say, “Oh, you are right. Nice and boring is pretty good.”
Although in the nice and boring days, there are a few things that happen. I have thought about writing about them, but I just haven’t been motivated. I have been thinking many thoughts, but I’m not motivated to write them either. Besides being a nice and boring summer, it’s also been a tiring and unmotivated summer. I think the fatigue and lack of motivation is due to the cancer battle. As my friend’s doctor told her, “Recovery is long and slow.”
Although my week has not been boring in some ways. I have kept updated on what is happening around the world and I have been motivated to pray. Maybe that is another reason I am tired: It takes energy to care and to pray.
Earlier this week–maybe about Wednesday–EJ stopped at the gas station on his way home from work. He also picked up some fried chicken. When he got home, we three gathered around the kitchen table and had a fun midnight snack.
Usually I like to prepare my Shabbat meal on Friday morning, but Friday morning was going to be busy so I prepared everything on Thursday. I made Ground Beef Wellington with Fennel. The recipe calls Pillsbury Crescent Rolls, but I made homemade crescent rolls instead, and I used the fennel that I grow in my herb garden. I also made Challah Bread. This time I braided with six strands. I’m always amazed that I can make such beautiful bread. It is such a work of art.
When I was waiting for bread and crescent dough to rise, I took Danny for his regular walk. Before we began our walk, I took last week’s Challah bread out to the feeders for the birds. We don’t always eat it all and I hate to throw it away. Danny loves the bread too, so I broke off a piece for him before I gave the rest of it for the birds. At the end of our walk, Danny wanted to go through the gate into the yard where the feeders are. He NEVER asks to go into the yard after our walk, but he had taken note that I had taken the bread out to the birds, and he remembered. I unhooked his leash and let him into the yard, but the bread was all in the tray feeders where he couldn’t reach it. He is such a silly dog.
At the beginning of our walk, my neighbor asked if I’d like some cucumbers and zucchini. She had extra from her garden. Absolutely! She brought a bag of them over not long after Danny and I returned home. I used the zucchini to make another mock apple pie. EJ and JJ (and I) love it and can’t get enough of it. My guys say they like the zucchini pie even better than real apple pie. When I finished all my cooking and had washed the dishes, I spent the rest of the afternoon doing financial stuff–reconciling the checkbook and all that. This is my most detested chore, but it has to get done.
Friday morning we had to get up early to drive to the Cancer Center for JJ to get his port flushed. The port has to stay in for at least a year in case it is needed again [shudder]. Every other month, it has to be flushed. JJ enjoys seeing all the oncologist staff, but he hates going to the Cancer Center. Seeing all the hairless patients dozing in their chairs while chemo drugs are dripped into their bodies is like being sucked back into a nightmare. The days we go to the Cancer Center are very traumatizing days for him.
Friday evening (last night), JJ and I watched a monster movie together. It was very stupid and all through the movie we criticized it with derision. For example, in the military decided to shoot the monsters with a nuclear missile [even though the expert said the monsters FED on such things. Hey, why don’t we send these destructive monsters LUNCH!] They transported the missile on a train [why not just FLY the missile into the monster? Duh]. The soldiers stopped before a tunnel and sent a few soldiers ahead to see if the way was monster-free. “Is it clear? Is it clear?” the solider on the radio kept asking. Good grief, wouldn’t the screams coming over the radio be an indication that the way was NOT clear? But the clueless soldier said, “It’s clear” and on the train went to be destroyed by the waiting monster. Sheesh. How stupid can you get??? When the movie was finished, JJ and I turned to each other and said “That was so much fun! We should watch a stupid monster movie every week. Let’s do it!”
EJ and I spent this morning studying together and discussing what we’ve studied. I also chatted on the phone with a very delightful friend. Then I took Danny for his walk. The day has been very enjoyable.
Bread & Calendars
This morning I woke up shortly after 7 a.m.–which used to be when I always woke up, but lately it is early.
I made a pot of coffee and then started preparing the dough for Challah bread. Usually I braid three strands but today I braided four. I thought it would be more complicated to add another strand, but I followed the instructions I found on a website and it was super easy. Maybe next time I will try braiding six strands.
The challah bread has to rise for an hour, get punched down and rise another hour, get braided and rise another hour. While it was rising, I made chicken soup and set it simmering.
Next I cut up zucchini and made a mock apple pie. Since it is for our Shabbat meal, I carved the word “Shabbat” in Hebrew in the crust. I was very proud of myself.
I spent the whole morning in the kitchen. When everything was ready, I called my guys in and we enjoyed our Shabbat meal. Shabbat usually doesn’t begin until sunset, but we celebrate it early so EJ can participate before he goes to work. It wouldn’t be the same without him. The food was all very delicious. JJ said he thinks he lives zucchini pie even better than real apple pie.
While everything was baking and simmering, before we sat down to eat our meal, EJ and I took the time to dash to the post office. My friend Simone, who so faithfully comments on all my blog posts, had told me she was sending me a gift so I have eagerly gone to the post office each day this week, wondering what on earth she could be sending me. She lives in the Netherlands. Her gift arrived today. It was a beautiful calendar filled with beautiful Dutch art. Simone wrote at FB, “I remembered that you bought something in a thrift shop what was also Delft blue but it broke. So I was at first planning to send it from Holland but I got the amazing idea to see if I could buy it in the USA. I always have American calendars at home. And I found it so that made it a lot easier to send it over.”
We just love this calendar. It is a very bright spot in our week. EJ said that now he really looks forward to 2015 so he can use the calendar. I have the sweetest friends EVER.
EJ’s ankle has really been hurting him, so after we ate our meal, I wrapped it for him. Then he left for work. I took Danny for a walk, talked on the phone to a friend, and sat down to write this post. In a bit, I will do dishes.
Then I will welcome in Shabbat for real and enjoy a day of sweet rest.
The Google Car
This morning EJ and I went to the store. EJ had to pick up some prescriptions, I bought some vitamins, and I also bought 12 gallons of water. Our water in our village is not all that great so we buy water for drinking and cooking whenever we go to the store. Frequently, a stranger (usually a woman) will see the gallons of jugs in my car and say, “Did you know that you can fill empty jugs at the station at the back of the store? It’s cheaper than buying them off the shelf.” It’s not all that much cheaper and I don’t want to take the time to fill all those jugs. Since it’s never the same person twice and I know that they are simple trying to be helpful, I usually just smile and reply that I’m aware of it. But inside I think, “Why do people feel they need to comment on the contents of another person’s shopping cart? Sheeesh!” Sometimes I fantasize about fastening a sign on my cart that says “I know refills are cheaper, but I prefer not to fill all these jugs.” But I never do that. I just smile.
After EJ left for work, I took Danny for his daily walk. We had just begun our walk when the Google Maps Street View Car drove by. A little bit later, it drove by us again. I was so surprised. Maybe Danny and I will be on Google Maps….twice! Wouldn’t that be funny? I’m not sure I looked good enough to be immortalized on Google Maps, but at least I tried to make sure Danny wasn’t pooping or anything when the car passed.
When we got back home. I mowed the lawn. The lawn mower started and it didn’t quit on me. YAY! Now the lawn looks tidy and pretty. I love a freshly mowed lawn.
The other day a friend brought us some zucchini from his garden. I am thinking of using the zucchini to make a mock apple pie. And/or maybe I will make zucchini bread. Maybe I will make it today. Or maybe tomorrow. While I decide, I will go do some laundry and wash some dishes.
Depletion
On Sunday EJ drove me to Best Buy and bought me a new laptop. Among other things, it has a touch screen, Windows 8.1, and a wonderfully large 17.3 inch screen that I can see without squinting.
I felt sort of bad because I know EJ wants to pay off bills–and I do too–but he bought me the laptop sooner than he would have because I have been very tired and weepy lately. I said that I felt like a spoiled brat who cried and got what she wanted. I hate such traits. JJ gave me a hug and told me that I shouldn’t feel bad because I am not a spoiled brat, and he and his Dad know that I needed the new laptop for my mental health, and they are very glad that I have it. The laptop does help. I have had fun these last few days setting it up the way I want. The new computer doesn’t have some things that I liked in my old computer but it has some new things that are interesting and fun.
I told EJ that I feel stupid. I don’t know why I have felt so tired and weepy. I have trouble getting to sleep at night and then I sleep late. I barely have enough energy to drag myself through the day. I know, of course, that we have been depleted by the battle with cancer and there have been things like lawn mowers and laptops that have frustrated me this summer, but I thought that by now I’d be feeling less tired and not more.
I speculated that maybe it’s an Introvert thing. I took a personality test a couple of weeks ago, and the results were very accurate. I have the rarest of all personality types–only one percent of the population has my personality type. We are true Introverts. We are complex, deep thinkers, principled, and highly intuitive individuals. We care deeply about people and tend to be very gentle and understanding. We are good observers and listeners. Conflict is hard for us. We tend to be writers and empaths. An empath is one who actually feels the suffering of others.
There has been much suffering in the world lately that makes me sad, EJ has suffered a lot of pain this summer, and many of my friends are struggling with various difficulties. Even strangers I encounter have sad stories. As I walked Danny a couple of days ago, for example, I saw a neighbor in the next block holding the cutest little Pitbull mix puppy. OF COURSE, I stopped to tell her how cute the puppy was. We got to talking and she told me that she had had a terrible year filled with suffering, including struggles with her health, her grandmother dying, and a beloved dog getting hit by a car and having to be put to sleep (which is why they have a new puppy). She said, “I feel so depleted, so uninterested in stuff, and I find myself crying.” I told her that I understood–that our winter had been spent battling cancer with our son.
I wonder if my deep empathy for all those who are hurting is depleting me.
This morning a friend who works at the bank suggested that maybe my body is low in some essential element and I could use vitamins or supplements. That’s also possible. I told this to EJ And on his way to work he stopped and bought a few supplements of one sort or another for me.
I’m also trying to limit my exposure to sadness and fill my life with good things. There are MANY good things in my life that bring me gladness. One good thing is, of course, that JJ has beaten cancer. In addition, I had been wondering when we’d start getting medical bills from JJ’s surgery at Indianapolis University Hospital in April. It’s kind of hard to financially plan anything when we don’t know what the insurance company will cover and what we will have to pay. Finally, last week I got on the BCBSM website (for the very first time ever) and I learned that our medical expenses are $182,683 but our insurance company is covering $179,076 so we only have to pay $3,606. We have had to pay almost nothing. Can you imagine? That’s amazing!
Another good thing is that JJ let me read the latest story he is writing. It was such a blessing! JJ is a wonderful writer and I see tremendous improvement every time I read something he writes. I think he could be a famous author some day.
Today I walked to the post office and bank, and I suddenly saw two airplanes fly very low over the houses. One was like a Cessna or something and I do not know why it was flying so low. I only saw it a couple of times. The other plane was a crop duster and all day it flew low as it dusted the fields at the edge of town. When I walked Danny this afternoon, the crop duster flew so low that I felt like Cary Grant in the movie North by Northwest. I tried to take a picture of the airplane, but the picture from North by Northwest was more successful at capturing how low the plane flew. It was rather thrilling to see the plane suddenly appear over the trees and fly so low overhead.
EJ is going to try to get some vacations in early September so we can get a few things done and maybe do some fun things.
“Really Most Sincerely Dead”
The last time I wrote was on July 16th when I was dancing with joy because the computer repair shop informed me that my laptop was fixed and we could go get it.
We drove to the shop on Thursday morning. After we got it home, I spent hours happily working and playing on my laptop, rejoicing in its quiet new fan and new keyboard. On Friday afternoon, the laptop suddenly turned itself off and refused to turn back on.
On Monday, we took my laptop back to the shop. The man who I handed my computer to tried unsuccessfully to turn it on. He said, “This is weird.” Trust me, those are not words you want to hear from a repairman. He said that he’d check all the components to see which ones weren’t working. The next day he called to tell me that he believes that the motherboard had died. They do not fix laptop motherboards. (JJ told me later that desktop motherboards can easily be changed out, but laptop ones can’t.) To quote the munchkin coroner in the Wizard of Oz, the shop “thoroughly examined her, and she’s not only merely dead, she’s really most sincerely dead.”
The good thing is that unlike a previous repair shop, this shop did not charge us an additional bench fee when we took the laptop to them the second time. They also took out the new fan and keyboard and reimbursed us so we did not have to pay for items we never used. They downloaded all the information from its hard drive onto an external hard drive that they gave to me in a box. They told me that if/when I get a new computer, they can download the information from the external hard drive into the new computer for us so everything will be restored to what it was. I carefully took the external hard drive home and put it in a safe place, feeling as if I am a hero in a fairy tale or science fiction story, safeguarding the life force of my dear friend until it can be resurrection in a new body. When that will be, I cannot say.
Meanwhile, I am deeply mourning the loss of my laptop. EJ is generously sharing his laptop with me, but it’s not the same as having my own. I am always aware that I am merely a guest on his computer. I can’t use the laptop whenever I want because if EJ is on the computer, I am not. When EJ and JJ are both on their computers, I felt at loose ends, cut off, disconnected. I can’t say, “Hey, look at this interesting article or cute cat video” and send it to EJ. I can’t change computer settings so they suit me perfectly. I don’t have my bookmarks or my photos or my screensaver. I don’t have a large screen that is easy on my eyes. I felt restricted so it’s difficult to write.
Each of us having our own laptops spoiled me.
I miss my computer more than I can say. Excuse me while I go cry.
Sob.
Yay!
This morning I woke up with a very foggy-minded and bleary-eyed. For some reason, I have not sleep well all week so every day I am more tired than the day before. However, in spite of dragging through each day, there was much that was good about this week.
The temperatures this week have been in the 60’s (F), which is awesome. It feels like autumn, which is one of my favorite seasons. I love jeans and sweatshirt weather! Each day we had periods of blue sky with big fluffy white clouds alternating with skies that were filled with dramatic dark clouds. Sometimes it rained. I loved dramatic clouds.
EJ has very generously shared his laptop with me while my has been in the repair shop. Without his computer, I would not have survived the last two weeks. However, I have really missed my own computer. I missed my bookmarks, and my settings, and my programs, and my large monitor. This morning the computer shop called to tell me that my computer was fixed and ready. I wasn’t sure we had time to pick it up today, but EJ said we did so off we went. Yay!
When the computer guy brought my precious laptop to me, he said, “Oh, yeah, this is the laptop that needed a little bit of everything fixed.” They replaced the fan, the keyboard, and my profile files which, apparently, were corrupted. I lost some of my settings so I have to go back and fix them the way I want, which is a pain. I lost some of my passwords. That could be interesting. However, my computer is working splendiferously–better than it has in a long time–and I am doing the dance of joy!
Every day this week, even though I was very tired, I walked on the treadmill. I confess that hate walking on treadmills. I like to take meandering Danny for a walk each day, pausing so he can sniff interesting things. I like cuddling up with a cup of coffee, a book, and a cat on a cool morning. I hate exercises because they are boring and feel like a chore. But I have walked on the treadmill each day. I heard that 30 minutes of treadmill walking helps a person maintain her weight, and anything after that burns calories. Do not tell me if that is not true because believing it is true motivates me to walk an HOUR each day, and an hour has to do more for me than 30 minutes. Bleah.
Today I think I will not walk on the treadmill because I mowed the lawn this afternoon. When I was done I was hot and sweaty even though the day is cool so I think that mowing the lawn is worth an hour on the treadmill. I was sort of dreading mowing because I of my bad experiences with the lawn mowers breaking every time I used them this summer. But I decided that I might as well get it over with. I went out to the Rebel Scum and pulled the starter with trepidation. YAY! It started! I was able to mow the whole lawn without it breaking. Now the lawn looks wonderful.
My Baseball Shirt
I sat down to write this post, but Luke decided he wanted to cuddle. Luke kept rubbing against me and touching my face. He lay on my arm and wiggled on the keyboard. I tried to push him away, but when a cat decides to cuddle, resistance is futile. I stopped writing and cuddled him until he decided that he had had enough. Now that he has gone off to sleep in the window, I can get back to writing.
I have wanted to go to the Hospice thrift store for more than a week, but every day we wake up and are too unmotivated to go. This week, especially, we have been tired and unmotivated. But yesterday morning EJ and I finally made the effort to go–mostly because I really needed to buy some jeans because mine were wearing out and getting holes in them.
I hate buying new jeans at a clothing store because there are too many choices. Not only do I have to make sure that I get the right size, I have to get the right length. I have shorter legs so regular length jeans are too long. There are also choices like boot cut, or narrow cut, or classic cut, or wide cut, and how high or low the waist is. Always, in trying to make sure that one part of the jeans fit, I lose track of the other parts so I get them home and it’s “Rats!” these aren’t right!” Sometimes, even when I have somehow managed to choose all the right size, length, and “fits,” they still don’t fit right. Grrrr! But at the thrift store, the selections and quantity are very limited so I don’t feel overwhelmed by choices. If I do buy jeans that don’t feel right, it’s not so bad because I only paid a few dollars for them. Yesterday I was successful in buying jeans that fit wonderfully.
I also bought some t-shirts because my t-shirts were all getting stains and holes in them–even my favorite yellow shirt and my favorite teal shirt. The stains are mostly from food splashing on me when I cook or from being sloppy when I eat. The holes are from cats who like to ride around on my shoulders and dig into me to keep their balance. I think thrift shops are like treasure hunts because a person doesn’t go there with the expectation of getting a particular thing, but is always surprised at what she finds. I found quite a few t-shirts, including a NASA one (I love space), an Ireland one (my ancestry is mostly Irish from both parents), and a baseball shirt. I think baseball shirts are cool and I have wanted one for a long time even though I am not really interested in baseball. I never bought one at the stores because they were always too expensive, so finding one at the thrift shop for a few dollars was a treasure. When we got home, I showed EJ my t-shirts and he thought they were all wonderful. “You did good,” he said. But when I showed him my baseball shirt, he said, “The CARDINALS??? You bought a CARDINALS shirt?” because our state team is the Detroit Tigers, not the St. Louis Cardinals. Going into my storyteller mode, I told him that the Cardinals was the PERFECT shirt for me because I think cardinals are beautiful birds and I love it when they come to my bird feeders.” Go Cardinals!
I also bought JJ a couple of things: a couple of shirts and a long-handled luffa sponge back washer. He had asked me to get him one, and he loves the one I bought him (only 75 cents!). EJ bought a tiny teapot (he loves teapots even though we have no space to display them), some kitchen utensils, a cooler to use for fishing, and a cute little Delft dish. When we got home, I was trying to find my keys to open the door and a bag slipped out of my hands and fell on the porch. It was the only bag with anything breakable in it. The Delft dish broke. After an initial incredulous “You broke my dish?” EJ remembered that it cost less than $2 and he accepted the loss graciously.
When I was doing dishes yesterday, I looked out the window and saw my neighbor working on his riding lawn mower. He started it and a cloud of smoke puffed out of it so he opened the “hood” and began working on the motor. I thought, “So…the rebellion of the Rebel Scum lawn mowers is spreading.” My neighbor got his mower going after a short time…but who knows for how long? EJ said earlier in the day that he would mow our lawn in a few days, but I told him that it really is my job and I would do it. I am the one who can best do it–I mean, EJ has to work so much and JJ doesn’t have the strength–so I will try again to mow the yard. But if it breaks one more time, I QUIT.
I spent the afternoon paying bills. Then I walked to the post office to mail them. I took Danny with me, so he actually got TWO walks yesterday. He was a lucky dog.
This morning I started making challah bread as soon as I got up. Challah bread recipes make two large loaves, and many times we are not able to eat them before they go bad. I decided today to make four smaller loaves and freeze two of them for next week’s Shabbat. My friends tell me they often freeze challah bread and it works well. My bread turned out beautifully today.
While the challah was rising, I also made two homemade pizzas–one big and one small. I used to not like homemade pizzas because I thought the dough tasted too “bready.” Several years ago, I began searching for a good pizza recipe. I found some pretty good ones, but last fall I found an absolutely delicious recipe at AllRecipe.com. I made the pizzas today hoping to have some for leftovers tomorrow, but my family devoured the big pizza and I don’t expect the small pizza to last through the day. It was a good plan that didn’t work.
JJ’s sleep cycle has been messed up ever since he began Chemo. He now is awake all night and sleeps until late afternoon. He hates sleeping all day so this week he asked me to wake him at 1 p.m. When I wake him, he always moans that he is too tired. Since there is no reason for him to get up and he needs sleep, I always reassure him that it’s ok if he goes back to sleep. He has told me that he doesn’t want me to give up trying to wake him up even though he always goes back to sleep. Today, I asked him if he wanted to celebrate Shabbat with us. Although Shabbat doesn’t really begin until sunset, we always have our meal at noon so EJ can participate before he goes to work. At first JJ groaned that he was too tired, but he really loves Shabbat so he forced himself to get up anyway. He went back to bed at about 4 p.m.
JJ often feels impatient and frustrated because he feels he ought to be “back to normal” but he is still very tired and has little strength. A friend who has also been battling cancer, wrote me at FB that when she told her “naturopath” (who fights cancer with natural methods) that she expected to be further improved than she is, he said “no, she wasn’t ‘out of the woods’ yet, and that recovery was–and needed to be–slow and steady.” My friend says that she has been told by other cancer patients that ‘normal’ may be very different from what it once was, and life will never be the same again. “And that would apply to you and EJ as well because you have lived through the trauma with JJ and experienced it vicariously.” I shared my friend’s message with JJ and I think it really helped to reassure him that he wasn’t just being lazy or anything. Hearing this from another sources adds weight to what we’ve been telling him.
Last night when EJ came home from work, he said he found out why a co-worker had suddenly quit last April: Twelve years ago he had been diagnosed with testicular cancer–the same kind as JJ–and had beat it, but it has returned with a vengeance. His cancer, which is now Stage 4, has wrapped around his spine and paralyzed him from the waist down. EJ reassured me that the difference between JJ and this co-worker is that the co-worker has drank, smoked, and done drugs in the years between cancers and JJ does none of that. But I always feel a stab of fear when I hear that someone’s cancer has returned, especially if it’s testicular cancer. I think that’s one of the ways that cancer has changed our lives. Before JJ got sick, we never imagined that our son would get cancer, especially not as young as he is. But after he was diagnosed with cancer, it has forever moved from “unimaginable” to “possible.” I think that the fear of “possible” will never totally leave us.
A Garden Expression
Yesterday morning EJ fixed the mower and then he mowed the lawn. It was a relatively simple problem, and he offered to show me how he fixed it, but I refused. I told him that I was so frustrated by my constant battle with the mowers this summer that I didn’t even want to look at a mower right now. The mower struggles became a metaphor for things in my life that I can’t live with but I can’t fix.
Later in the afternoon, a neighbor saw us in the garden and came over to chat. Unaware of our mower problems, she said that she has struggled with her mower this summer–in fact, she has broken two mowers. She can borrow her parent’s mower to mow the front yard, but they don’t want her to mow the back yard where the dogs’ droppings are, so her back yard has long grass. (I hadn’t noticed.) I commiserated with her problems, telling her that we were struggling with broken mowers too. I secretly thought, “Ha! The mowers’ rebellion is spreading!” I have decided that all mowers are rebels and I will now refer to them as “rebel scum.” (Sorry, Simone, but I will no longer sweet-talk these evil machines who are making lives’ miserable.)
We had storms during the night. It felt as if all night there was the constant rumble of thunder. The thunder woke me enough that I knew what it was and it disturbed my sleep, but not enough to wake me fully or to motivate me to check radar. Today has been so humid that I feel as if I could make a twisting motion with my hands and squeeze water out of the air.
I (we) got a lot of little tasks done this morning. I stopped at the bank, bought milk at the little gas station store, and picked up the mail at the post office. EJ and I returned a friend’s truck that we had borrowed. I also rescued a baby bird from Annie’s jaws. I happened to glance out the window and saw her running with it so I rushed out and saved it. It was unharmed. It calmly let me pick it up in my hands and carry it to the tray feeder where it would be safe from falling and from cats until it recovered from its ordeal. A little later I check and it was gone. I thought how magical it was that a little wild bird would rest trustingly in my hands. When I was a child, I always ranted to be like Doctor Dolittle and talk to the animals. Experiences like this make me feel I am almost there.
This morning I was pondering how wonderful it feels to have the lawn all neatly mowed. Then I laughed because while the lawn is neat, my garden is a riot of wildness. And that made me think of my neighbors’ gardens, which are all neatly mulched. That reminded me of how much I appreciate that people and gardens are so different. I delight in differences because I think that it is peoples’ differences, gifts, and strengths, and even their idiosyncrasies, weaknesses and wounds that make them beautifully unique. How boring it would be if we were all the same. The same is true of their gardens. I admire my neighbor’s gardens.
I think gardeners are like artists and their gardens are their canvases. Each gardener “paints” a beautiful picture with their garden that is an expression of who they are. There is no right and wrong about their gardens. There is only unique differences and beauty.
I like my lawn (the little bit that there is) to be neatly mowed. When it’s not, I feel a sense of clutter and disorder and chaos in my spirit which drags me down. I hate going out in the yard when the mower is broke and the grass is high. A neatly mowed lawn makes me feel calm and joyful. However, my garden is not orderly or neat. It is not mulched with flowers in nice little groupings. My garden has a neat path running through it, but the plants are a riot of wildness, with plants spreading and appearing in surprising places. Sometimes new plants appear; I don’t know where they came from–probably the wind blows seeds or the birds drop them. My garden has snakes and frogs and birds and butterflies crawling and hopping and fluttering around. Even spiders and insects have their place in the garden (as long as they are not on ME.) I am delighted by the things in my garden–both planned and surprising, both wildlife and plant. I love the neatness of my lawn and the little bit of wildness in my garden.
My garden is an expression of who I am. I have always been able to fulfill obligations in my life–like to go school or work, do dishes and wash clothes–but I have always needed to also have a little bit of wildness in my life, a little bit of time that was not organized or obligated in which I could do whatever I wanted. If all my life was without order, I would feel chaotic and stressed. If all of my life was regimented, I would feel stifled and restricted. I need a little bit of both. That is what I express with my lawn and garden.
Tears of Impotent Rage
Yesterday started out bumpy for me because I feel increasingly frustrated by the problems with the lawn mower. Every mower I touch this summer dies. I don’t know how to fix an ailing mower and EJ is too busy (or tired) from hours of working to have to keep working on them. Meanwhile, the grass keeps growing but I am powerless to mow it. I feel frustrated and angry with the whole situation. I have never had such a struggle with a mower. I can’t sleep well at night because I am trying to figure out how to defeat evil lawn mowers and get the stupid grass mowed.
I explained all this to JJ as we drove to find some fireworks to set off in the evening. He exclaimed, “I get it. You feel Tears of Impotent Rage!” Impotent, for those who might not know, is primarily defined as “Unable to take effective action; helpless or powerless.” That described exactly how I feel this summer in my battle with the lawn mower. As soon as JJ and I got home, I dramatically declared to EJ, “I feel Tears of Impotent Rage!” Identifying what I felt in such a descriptive way helped reduce it. Somewhat. I love my family. We all love to read, watch movies, and research. We all love stories and words and quotes. Therefore, we can come up with poetic descriptions like “Tears of Impotent Rage.”
For a few years, when JJ was young, we went to firework displays in nearby towns for the 4th of July (USA’s Independence Day) celebrations. When JJ got old enough, he preferred to stay home and light our own fireworks. We set them off in the street in front of our house as soon as it was dark enough. Our street is very short. There are only three houses on it, and there’s not a lot of traffic. We usually buy our fireworks from a one-armed man who sells them from his house a few miles outside of our village at this time of year. The man is nice. He sells fireworks very cheaply so we can buy quite a few for not much money. JJ has always carefully considered what to buy, keeping track of the total in his head until he reached the total that he could spend. When he has approached the man to pay for his “loot,” the man always asked, “How much did you calculate this will cost?” And JJ says $15 (or $20). The man says, “How about you give me $5?” JJ always thinks that’s too low so he says, “How about $10?” The man responds with “How about $7?” and JJ agrees and hands over his money. Then we enjoy JJ’s evening presentation.
Yesterday morning, there was no “Fireworks for sale” signs at the end of the man’s driveway. Apparently he isn’t selling them this year. So JJ and I went to “Plan B.” We drove to a fireworks tent temporarily set up in the parking lot of a grocery store called Meijers. We went inside the tent and almost died of heart failure: The number of fireworks we bought from the one-armed man for less than $10 cost $50, $90, or more in the tent. JJ said, “This is too much. Let’s not buy any.” I agreed. So we decided to go with Plan C and drive to a small grocery store in the small town where EJ works and get some “picnic foods.” They had a fireworks display in the store, which we looked at (Plan D), but they also cost much too much. So we selected and purchased our food items. As we left the store, I said, “We could always go with Plan X….” JJ said, “No, we can’t label our Plans with letters anymore because they are now too numerous. We have to label them with numbers.” So I said, “Ok. So Plan 56 is that we can find a local town’s celebration tonight and watch their fireworks from a nearby parking lot away from all the crowds…”
EJ has recently re-connected with a friend he had known in high school. This friend invited us to do something together with his family for the 4th of July. But EJ is “on call” for work this weekend, which means that if there are any problems, he has to go in to work and fix them. Also, JJ is feeling very “agoraphopic” since his cancer treatments. Large crowds make him anxious and he says he “freaks out” when he sees the bald head of someone obviously undergoing chemo. After a winter of running to medical appointments, encouraging JJ, and interacting with medical people, I feel burned out. I can’t find the energy to be “entertaining.” And EJ also is very tired. I don’t know if other people feel this terrible lack of energy, lack of motivation, and agoraphobia that we are feeling after cancer treatment. It could be we feel it in this way because we are introverts who are exhausted by too many people and activities, but after our busy winter we are craving quietness and slowness.
About mid-afternoon, JJ went upstairs to nap. EJ got called in to work and since the problem was small and wouldn’t take long to fix, I went with him. We also took Danny with us. Not very many people were working so the parking lot had very few cars in it. After EJ disappeared into his factory, I sat in the car with the door open and read. I had Danny’s retractable leash on him so he roamed around for a bit and then settled in the grass. The early evening was beautiful. It was quiet and very pleasant.
JJ woke up and came downstairs when we returned home. We weren’t home for more than 10 minutes when EJ’s company called about another problem. EJ had to turn around and go back to work. This problem was more major and would take longer to fix, so I couldn’t go with him. With EJ gone, JJ and I had no transportation, so we couldn’t go anywhere. JJ began to feel bad about our lack of fireworks, even though he said that he doesn’t regret not paying too much for them. I think he was divided by his desire for fun and his desire for quiet. Finally, just before 10 p.m., I told him to get his shoes on because we were going for a walk. JJ chose to follow the route I always take when I walk Danny–but we didn’t bring Danny because we didn’t want him to be scared by booms. We watched fireworks in various yards and chatted while we walked. Many of the fireworks were bigger than the ones we always buy and reached high into the sky. At one point, the origin of some fireworks wasn’t too far away–just behind the houses we were passing–and we walked pretty much under the colorful explosions. It was rather neat, although I did hope we wouldn’t get hurt.
A couple of minutes after we got home, EJ walked in. Although most of the towns’ celebrations would be over, we decided to go for a drive. We encountered quite a few deer crossing the country roads here and there. We love seeing the deer, but JJ and I were a bit nervous because we didn’t want any to unexpectedly jump in front of us and cause an accident. There are a lot of deer in our area and every now and then car-deer accidents. EJ wasn’t nervous because he was confident of his ability to see and avoid them. We drove through the nearby town and got caught in the traffic of people driving and walking home after the firework celebrations. I didn’t mind because I think it’s fun to people watch.
We didn’t know at first where to go, but after considering different options (Plans 6,303 through 6,489), we decided to head back to Meijers for ice cream and toppings. We had fun walking through the almost deserted store and discussing which ice cream and toppings to buy. JJ said the bright lights and colors hurt his eyes–another effect of chemo? We got home around midnight, had a bowl of ice cream, and–eventually–all went to bed.
With a few sort of rocky times, our day had ended well.
Historical Stories
Yesterday EJ and I took my precious laptop to the repair shop. The repair guy looked it over, saw that it started and then shut itself off, and said that my laptop problem was very weird. That is not surprising. I always have weird problems. Like new lawn mowers that break after one month. Later the repair shop called me to tell me that my laptop’s fan definitely needed replacing (which I expected since it’s been not acting right for a while) and they wanted my permission to replace it. They don’t know yet if there are other problems since they can’t do anything more until the fan is replaced. I am really hoping that there are no major problems or major bills.
Last night a very severe storm came through our area. We knew it was coming because we watched it approach on Accuweather radar, but I went to bed anyways because I was tired. I figured I’d try to get at least some sleep before the storm. Despite the severity of the storm, I probably would have slept through it all except JJ came and woke me up when it hit–about 2 a.m.–because there were tornado warnings in a nearby county and my guys wanted me to be awake if we had to run to the basement. I protested waking up, but JJ did not give up until I was downstairs. The lightning was constant and dramatic, the winds were very strong, and it rained hard and sideways. Today I’ve heard that there are a lot of branches down and many people are without power, but our electricity didn’t even flicker.
Because of the interrupted sleep, I am very, very tired today. But I am also tired because of things happening in the world. This post is more serious than usual.
At Facebook, I read and share a lot about what is happening in the world as well as my beliefs and opinions about spiritual and political things. I have a lot of people and pages that I learn from. Many times I just listen. Sometimes I join in if I feel I have something to add. I also share a lot of cute animal videos and links about interesting creatures and places in the world. I find that I have to balance the serious or heartbreaking news stories with softer, happier things. I once started a blog in which I shared my beliefs and opinions, but I felt that others are better able to write about such things, while no one can share MY story. So I have kept THIS blog as a nice, gentle place to refresh my spirit. Sometimes I cannot handle the big global things. I need to focus on the small, everyday things for a bit.
Besides….
My parents taught me a love for history. When I was growing up, we never vacationed to places such as Cedar Point or Disneyland. Instead, my Dad always planned vacations to historical places. While there, my Mom always said things like, “Imagine having to raise the sheep, shear them, spin the wool, and weave the cloth so you could make clothes to wear.” Or “Imagine having to cook meals over a fire.” My Mom also made us watch historical events on TV, such as President Nixon’s resignation. I was young enough at the time that I didn’t understand its significance and it was boring to me, but she insisted we watch because “You are watching history.” I’m glad she did. As an adult, I also choose to watch events on TV because “they are history.” My Mom taught me that history is not merely about dates of major events such as discoveries or wars, but about people and their stories of their lives. Their lives became part of the fabric of history. What happened yesterday affects people today, and what happens today will effect people tomorrow. Because of my parents, I have a love of history, and I take note of what is happening in the world. EJ also loves history and we have tried to pass this love and understanding to JJ. EJ and I have connected cause and effect of historical and current events for JJ, and have described events we have lived through and what we felt at the time, and have said, “Pay attention: THIS is history.” We have been successful in passing down a love of history to JJ and he is deeply knowledgeable about it.
In this blog, I write about the small events of my life. In a way, I write about nothing, and yet, I also write about important somethings. Laura Ingalls Wilder also wrote about the day-to-day nothings of her life, the daily chores and tasks and events that were common and ordinary to everyone in her day, but which has given future generations a glimpse into a “historical” life that no longer exists. While BIG WORLD events are taught as significant, it is the stories of people who describe them in their diaries and journals that give them true meaning and allow us to understand. We understand World War 2 because of stories like Anne Frank, a little girl who was affected by it. It is the small glimpses into the lives of people trying to survive in their world, a world of events that would later be significant, that I find most fascinating. My blog is in many ways unimportant, but in other ways, in other times, might allow a glimpse into what life was like during my time to future generations. Who knows?
Anyway, today I am going to describe some of my core beliefs and how an event in the world has affected me.
I get upset when people speak about “tolerance” but they are hateful towards those who disagree with them. I believe that true tolerance and true freedom means that we allow a voice to people who disagree with us. This doesn’t mean that every belief or opinion is equal because they aren’t. There are true beliefs and false ones (for example, 2 + 2 = 57 will never be true no matter how sincerely a person believes it. ) and there is a moral right and wrong, good and evil. However, I believe that people ought to be respected even when we disagree with them, and that ideas ought to be respectfully challenged and debated. If something is true, it can stand honest scrutiny, challenge, and debate. As Patrick Henry declared, “I might not agree with a word you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.” Here is a wonderful article that describes what I believe about this topic: The Intolerance of Tolerance.
I believe that a person ought to pursue truth rather than defend a comfortable error/lie. I would “rather be hurt by truth than be comforted by a lie.” My faith has changed because I have been willing to pursue truth and let go of error as much as I can, rather than hold on to a comfortable belief that I was taught.
I believe that if an action is wrong if one person or group does it, then it’s also wrong when another person or group does it. Too often people criticize the “opposition” if they do something that they consider wrong, but they are silent if their own people do it. If it’s wrong if Conservatives do a behavior then it’s also wrong if Liberals do it and vice versa. If it’s wrong and discriminatory for a White person to insult or mistreat a person because he is Black then it’s just as wrong for a Black person to insult or mistreat a person because he is White. BOTH is discrimination and BOTH are wrong. We ought to be angry about all injustice, whether our own people are the ones suffering the injustice or committing it.
I believe that beliefs, opinions, actions, and character are more important than ethnicity and gender. To like, hire, or vote for someone only because of his/her color or gender is just as discriminatory and offensive as to hate, not hire, or not vote for him/her because of color or gender. I, for example, would want to be liked because I am worth liking, not just because of my race or gender. I’d be insulted if someone hired or voted for me only because of my race or gender. I’d want them to hire/vote for me because they support my beliefs and opinions, and believe that I am the most skilled and the best qualified for the position–and I’d work hard to be the most skilled and qualified. And while there are certainly people who are racists, bigots, and haters in this world, I think people accuse others of these terms much too often. Just because a person disagrees with you does not mean he or she is a racist, bigot, or hater. It’s possible he disagrees only with your opinions and beliefs.
By the way, I have a lot of races, colors, and cultures in my family. I have aunts, sisters- and brothers-in-law, and nieces and nephews who are Japanese, South Korean, Samoan, Puerto Rican, American Indian, and Black. And probably others. I also have friends from around the world. Their ethnic and cultural differences aren’t as important to me as their character. At the same time, I love the differences–I love learning about the similarities and differences in our cultures, society, customs, language, foods, talents, and so on. I love to learn about different places and peoples. How boring if we were all the same. Variety is truly the spice of life.
I will not hide that I love the Jewish people, and I love Israel, and I believe that the Jews are wonderful people, that the G-d of the Bible has given them their land and is bringing them back to it, and they have the right to defend it when they are attacked. I understand that others might believe differently. Obviously, I do not think you are correct, but even while I disagree with you, and would challenge and debate you, I respect that you have a right to your opinion.
And now I am getting to the news that has saddened me: A few weeks ago, three Israeli teens were kidnapped by terrorists. They were not soldiers, they were just nice teenagers on their way home from school. They were kidnapped only because they were Jewish. While the Israelis searched for them, the Palestinians/Muslims celebrated the kidnapping. The mother of one of the suspected kidnappers said that if her son was really responsible, she would be proud of him. The bodies of the kids were found yesterday. They had been murdered shortly after they were kidnapped. These are photos of the boys. They were my JJ’s age, and I can imagine a parent’s terror of having a beloved son’s life threatened.
I cannot comprehend evil. I can understand that there are twisted and evil people–like serial killers or terrorists–who delight in inflicting pain and suffering on others. However, I cannot comprehend that any person or people would support or celebrate it. If my beloved family member or friend, or someone in my country or religion wrongfully hurt another, I would not be proud of them, I would be sickened by their actions, and I would strongly condemn it. If the children of my worst enemy was kidnapped or murdered, I would grieve not rejoice. I think evil of all sort, no matter who does it or who it is done to, ought to be condemned in the strongest way. It’s not EVER right to do wrong. Evil should make us all grieve and weep.
I weep for those three boys, and for the grief of their families and country. I am angry at those who did it, celebrated it, and/or supported it.
The Summer of No
One morning last week EJ went for a walk with Danny and me. He doesn’t walk with me often, but I always enjoy it when he does. Anyway, at one point EJ said to me, “There is a bug on you.” I didn’t panic because he said that as he was calmly removing the insect. He showed me the insect after he removed it. If I had seen it on me, I would have done the panicky “Get It OFF!!!!” dance because it was HUGE–almost 2 inches long. However, since it was not on me when I saw it, I could be interested in it. EJ held it while I looked at it. I do not know what kind of insect it was. It was rather sparkly and almost pretty. EJ took pictures of it on him with his phone. Does anyone know what it is?
EJ had to work yesterday but we had a quiet morning until he had to leave. Today he has a day off; he is not even on call. We had a storm yesterday and are expecting more storms today and tomorrow. Some could get severe.
Tomorrow morning we will take my laptop to the shop. I’m hoping that it will be a minor problem rather than a major one. I have a year and a half of photos on my computer that I haven’t not backed up and I’m afraid I will lose them if the computer is terminally ill. Also, I will be lost without my computer if it dies. EJ is nicely sharing his laptop with me, but it’s not the same as having my own.
I do not know how many people understand that even though it might seem as if the cancer battle is finished and our lives are “normalizing,” we really are merely in a different part of the battle. I think I did not really understand before JJ got cancer. It’s easy to think that when the cancer treatments are finished and the oncology checks reveal that all tests are good, that every is back to normal. But often I am reminded that life is not normal. Cancer is such a life-changing thing that I think life never goes back to what it was before. A new normal is eventually forged but that takes time.
JJ told me Friday night that the visit to the Cancer Center that morning had been very difficult for him. It was stressful for him to see the patients in the waiting room filling out the blue form (on which they rate how they are feeling before each chemo treatment), and it was difficult for him to walk by the Infusion Rooms and see bald cancer patients dozing in the chairs as they received the Chemo drugs. I can imagine that it was sort of like revisiting a nightmare, or being sucked into The Twilight Zone. JJ has also been suffering from terrible nightmares, which is probably another reason why his sleep patterns are all messed up. In addition, he is struggling with a feeling that he “should” be normal by now. and that he’s just a nonproductive, nonfunctional member of society. He wants to contribute, he wants to get back to “living” but he knows he is not ready for it. He says he almost feels as if he has Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.
I told JJ that his Dad and I understand that he needs time to process all this, and he doesn’t need to feel like he needs to rush. I told him that he won’t always feel like he does right now, and that there will come a time when he will KNOW that he is ready to take on life again. And then he will do it.
EJ told me that a friend at work once was very wore out so he decided to have a “Summer of No”–a summer in which he told people “No, I will not go to that event or do that activity, but I will totally unplug and rest.” That is the type of summer I am trying to create for JJ and for me and for EJ because it is the type of summer I think we very much need. JJ needs to have time to regain his physical and emotional strength, and he needs to have time to process all that happened. Of course, EJ still has to work, and he is working many weekends, so when he has a day off, he needs to rest, not only from work but from the difficult winter. After a winter of rushing to appointments, I find it exhausting to even think about running to events and activities, no matter how pleasant they might be. The best therapy for me is puttering around in my garden and watching the birds and taking Danny for his walks and spending time with my guys.
So we are taking it slow.
During our Summer of No.
UPDATE:
A friend suggested that the insect pictured above is a click beetle. I googled it and think she is correct. Mystery solved!
A Good Report
This morning we had to wake up early for JJ’s appointment with his oncologist. I was so afraid of oversleeping that I didn’t really sleep much at all. JJ didn’t sleep much either. EJ slept well, but he didn’t sleep much the night before so we were all three quite tired.
In the first stages of JJ’s cancer battle, each appointment with a doctor gave us the worst possible news, the worst fears come true. At first we told ourselves that the lump was “probably nothing, but we should get it checked out,” When it turned out to be a mass, we said, “Well, it’s probably not cancerous.” When it turned out to be cancerous, we thought his first surgery would take care of it, and then we found out the cancer had spread and he needed Chemo. Maybe that’s why every appointment with the oncologist has a tiny bit of anxiety mixed in. Although we always have strong hope that we will get a good report, we know that sometimes the news can be bad. We’ve talked to people who have had their cancer return and many young men have died of testicular cancer. I wonder if we will ever get past the slight dread of doctor appointments?
Thankfully, the oncologist gave us a very good report. JJ’s CT scan was clear and his cancer markers were zero. Everything is very good. Whew. We felt a surge of relief. The next oncologist appointment will be in three months. As we drove away from the Cancer Center, I told JJ that he is no longer a young man with cancer. Instead, he is a SURVIVOR. Yay!
Remember me telling you that my friends makes and sells beautiful soaps through her website called “A Touch of Eden”? A few months ago, she said that she has several friends who have had various types of cancer and she wanted to honor their battles by making a unique soap for each of them and naming it in their honor. She sends each of them one of the bars of soap as a gift. Well, I bought all the 13 remaining soaps she had made in honor of JJ. All of them.
After we left the meeting with the oncologist, we turned down the hallway where the Chemo rooms are so we could give each of the oncologist staff who had so lovingly cared for our son a gift of his special soap. I had also made a card of thanks for them with the story of the soap my friend had made to honor her friends who had battled cancer. Of course, we also verbally told them the story behind the soap as we handed them out. They all were touched by the gift.
Aside from the soaps for the oncology staff, we had four others that we could give away. I am sending those to friends who gave us loving comfort while we were fighting JJ’s cancer. If I could have, I would have sent this unique soap to many, many people because there were so many who gave us love and support during this difficult time. However, we could not send soap to everyone who was special to us, so we had to choose only four. Because the Post Office supervisor had declared that the perfect-sized boxes were unsellable, I sent the soaps yesterday in the almost-perfect-sized boxes. So not only is there a story behind the soap, there is also a story behind the boxes. Everything is a story.
When we got home from our trip the Cancer Center, JJ went immediately upstairs to sleep. I lay on the couch to nap but I couldn’t sleep so I went outside to see if I could get the lawn mower started. It’s always possible that it could have fixed itself, you know. But no such luck. S0 I came inside and asked EJ if he could fix the mower. We can’t let the grass get too long because, besides the fact that I love a neatly mown lawn, if the grass gets more than six inches tall, the Village will charge us a fee. I thought the problem would be easily fixable, but it turned out not to be. EJ worked on it for about an hour, trying this and that to fix it, and he could get it started but he couldn’t keep it running. He said it’s not my fault that the mower isn’t working, but I have such a difficult working relationship with mowers that I believe they all hate me.
In addition to the lawn mower, this morning I couldn’t get my computer to run. Like the mower, it would turn on for a few seconds and then shut itself off. I suspect the machines are beginning to stage an uprising like in science fiction movies.
On the way home this morning, we all said that we should have taken my laptop to the repair shop, which is very near the Cancer Center. We had all briefly thought it this morning before we left home, but none of us had actually acted upon our thoughts. So probably on Monday EJ and I will take it to the shop, and hopefully it will be something minor instead of major. Meanwhile, I am using EJ’s computer when he is at work. I am grateful for his generosity, but I miss my computer.
To end on a good note, today EJ and I watched one of the baby sparrows take her first flight out of the nest. I didn’t get a picture or video of the actual flight, but I did get videos of her preparing to leave. Here it is:
