I Love To Go A Gardening
Growing Our Life in Northern Michigan
Let Me Call You Sweetheart
Last week was difficult for EJ. He has been very tired from working so many hours and his back pain has flared up, causing him great pain. Poor guy.
Thursday I insisted we get a new mower that works because I hate to have to keep asking EJ to fix the Stupid Lawn Mower when he is so tired. We went to a hardware store in the next town and bought the cheapest mower they sold. Our lawn is so small that it really isn’t worth it to get a more expensive one. This one doesn’t have the mulch bag that Stupid Lawn Mower had, which is a disadvantage, but it is lighter and it’s yellow, which is my favorite color. I thought of my friend Simone naming her roomba and imagined her telling me that I ought to give my new mower a nice name. I decided that maybe I should call the mower “Sweetheart” because the song “Let Me Call You Sweetheart” kept running through my mind.
Thursday afternoon I mowed the lawn. Sweetheart started on the very first pull of the cord, and I was able to mow the WHOLE LAWN, all of it, without it stopping. The grass in the back yard had gotten quite long so it was an effort to mow it, but Sweetheart was a trooper and tackled the job without protest. She even mowed the long grass in Danny’s pen. After I mowed the lawn, I was able to do other tasks, such as weed EJ’s garden areas for him. I worked all day until after 8 p.m. taking breaks when I got tired. Even though working in the garden is physically tiring, it is soothing to my spirit. I love working in the garden.
Since JJ was diagnosed with cancer, I have not prepared a big meal with all the trimmings for Shabbat because we have been so tired. At most we bought Challah bread and had a simple meal. Even though we haven’t always make Shabbat as beautiful as we wanted, we always rested, which is what Shabbat is all about. But yesterday I finally got up early enough and had the energy to make Challah bread. I used our beautiful tablecloth, picked a bouquet of flowers from my garden, and made a special meal. It was very wonderful to gather around the table and say the blessings.
Space.com posted that “On Friday night and early Saturday morning (May 23-24), Earth will plow through debris shed over the years by Comet 209P/LINEAR. The result likely will be a new meteor shower, and possibly a spectacular meteor storm of 1,000 or so shooting stars per hour, experts say.” We’ve always loved going outside to look at astronomical events such as meteorite showers, eclipses, and comets so we set our alarms for 2 a.m. and went outside to enjoy a spectacular meteor storm. Although the night was clear, we saw nothing. We walked down the street hoping to get an unhindered view of the sky, but still saw no meteorites. Still nothing. We wondered if there was too much light pollution drowning out the stars, but reports from other cities were that not many were seen. Oh, well. The stars in the sky were still beautiful and we enjoy the night walk.
Today we rested, rested, rested.
Two sparrow couples have moved into my bird houses, one in each of the two “apartments.” It’s fun watching them bring grasses and sticks for their nests. Sometimes I see a long piece of grass sticking out from a house and then it’s slowly pulled into the hole.
We are now catching glimpses of the baby sparrows in the blue bird house when the Mama brings them food. Sometimes I see a little mouth opening. They are cute, like all babies are. I was able to take a picture of one baby sticking its head out of the hole:
Our balloons continue to make life interesting. I found one balloon in the back porch and don’t know how it got there. I moved it back into the house without getting a picture of it. However, here are a few more pictures:
Birds & Balloons
Yesterday I did not get out in the garden. Instead, I stayed inside and paid bills and reconciled the bank statement. Bleagh. I dislike both jobs, but they need to be done.
The forecast predicted bad storms overnight with high winds so I brought my two cacti back inside. I raised them from small nubs and I didn’t want them to break off. I also brought in all the bird feeders because I didn’t want them to blow off the hooks and get damaged. Through the night I was periodically awakened by loud booms of thunder. Usually we all get up when there are thunderstorms because we enjoy watching them-and we also keep alert for tornadoes. However, these days I am so tired that I just groaned and went back to sleep.
We had a lot to do this morning. We had to stop at the bank to deal with a problem. The student Amazon Prime had automatically billed JJ for another year, which caused an overdraft in his account. He was really worried about this and didn’t sleep well last night but our sweet friends at the bank assured him that it wasn’t a big problem, he has an option so the bank covers overdrafts and his credit rating wouldn’t be harmed. He was very relieved that it wasn’t exactly his fault and that he wouldn’t end up eternally shamed or in debtor’s prison. It was a learning experience for him.
After the bank, we drove to the city to take JJ’s laptop to a computer repair shop. The fan in his laptop isn’t working. The day was beautiful and we really enjoyed the drive. We had a lot of fun conversing with each other. We always talk about stuff whenever we are in the car together driving somewhere. Today we mostly talked about history, which we all enjoy.
We dropped JJ off at home, and then EJ and I went shopping. Our water isn’t all that good so once or twice a week we have to buy jugs of drinking water. We also had to get pet food and a few other things. I bought one more bird feeder pole to hang the suet on away from the other feeders because the Starlings mob the suet and I’m concerned that they might be scaring off other birds. After we had eaten lunch, I put the pole together and hung the suet on the other side of the garden path. I can still see the Starlings through the window, but they won’t disturb the other birds as much in this new location.
As soon as EJ leaves for work, I always take Danny for a walk. It was very hot (80 degrees) and humid today and I felt as if I was melting. Sometimes I think I am part snowman because I really do melt in hot weather. I could never live in the South. At the end of our walk, I dropped Danny off at home and then walked to the post office to mail some things.
While I washed dishes this afternoon, I noticed new sparrows building their nest in one of my birdhouse apartments. I think the wrens must have been scared away because I haven’t seen them lately. I miss the wrens, but I enjoy the sparrows too. I also saw a Robin land on the other birdhouse apartment. He had a worm in his (or her) mouth.
Later, I went outside and pulled maple seedlings from a section of the garden. It was hot, but there was a slight breeze so it was somewhat bearable. Annie and Rikki-Tikki-Tabby joined me and I patted them as I weeded. They usually join me whenever I work in the garden.
On April 1, the day JJ had his surgery, my friend sent him a bouquet of helium balloons fastened to a toy cat with ribbons. When I noticed that the cats were eating the ribbons, I cut the ribbons off, and the balloons floated to ceiling and stayed in one place. Over the weeks, as the helium began to slowly seep away, the balloons sunk a bit. Then they began to wander through the house. We find them everywhere, in all sorts of places: floating near our computers, at the kitchen window, in the shower. Early this morning EJ fell asleep in his recliner–or, rather, he tried to sleep. A balloon kept circling around him, repeatedly dragging itself across his body. The balloons seem to have a mind of their own, and we theorize that they are becoming sentient like in the 1956 short fantasy film, The Red Balloon that I enjoyed as a child. I began taking pictures of the places I the balloons wandered to. (Click on a photo to make them bigger.)
I don’t think we have ever had so much fun with helium balloons. We are going to really miss them when they finally deflate.
I Love My Garden
I woke up feeling crippled by yesterday’s gardening. In spite of my aching body, I spent all day working in the garden today. It was just too beautiful to be inside. It was sunny and the temperature was cool enough (around 70 degrees) that it was very pleasant to work. I love my garden.
I started out the morning by pulling up several million maple seedlings. I am making progress, I think, although it will probably take several more weeks to get them all pulled–and even then I’ll find ones I missed all summer long. I had a scare when I put one hand on the ground to balance myself as I reached to pull up some seedlings. My hand started to buzz and vibrate so I lifted it and a bumblebee flew away. I had accidentally put my hand down on it. Fortunately it didn’t sting me, but I was so scared that I screamed–not a loud horror story type of scream but more of a shouted “AHHHH!” of surprise. I came into the house for a while to give myself and the bumblebee time to get over our scare. I didn’t want him to sting me in his fright.
I chatted with EJ for a bit. When I had calmed down from the bumblebee scare, I decided to take all the inside plants out to the porch again. First, I checked the forecast for the rest of the month to make sure there would be no more frost. I don’t want to have to bring all the plants inside again because the pots are big and heavy.
Then I used to hoe to clear the weeds from my garden path. I had considered letting the grass grow in the path and mowing it, but with the mower not working I thought it would look better to simply clear the path. EJ is exhausted from working so much, but he joined me outside for a while. He fixed the mower just before he had to leave for work. The wire to the handle had broke. While he fixed it, I pulled maple seedings nearby. After he left for work, I happily began to mow out in the part of the yard where the birdfeeders are. Then the mower died again. I am beginning to hate that stupid mower. I have named it “Stupid Piece of Junk.” I am thinking of murdering it.
Since I couldn’t finish mowing the lawn (again), I did some hoeing to level where the bricks outline my garden in the birdfeeder area. That was hard work. I pulled more seedlings. Then I moved the birdbath because I was afraid that in the peony garden it was too close to the front porch where the outside cats like to hang out.
By this time, I was utterly exhausted and crippled. My feet hurt. If I am not careful, my plantar fasciitis will flare up. So I stopped working in the garden and took Danny for a walk. Then I dropped him off at home and walked two blocks to the gas station store for milk. Then I came home and washed dishes. And began laundry. And fed the birds.
Tomorrow it is supposed to storm. That is probably a good thing because I won’t be able to work outside and I will be forced to rest more.
I love my garden.
In The Garden
It rained all last week but Friday was not rainy so I mowed the lawn. I always mow the lawn outside of the fence that can be easily seen from the road first in case I have trouble with the mower. I think the mower hates me because I often have trouble with it. Sure enough, after I mowed the “seen” areas, I moved the mower into the back yard, filled it with gas, started to mow, and the mower died. I couldn’t get it started again. I eventually gave up and set myself to pulling up more maple seedlings.
Saturday was Shabbat so I rested all day. Poor EJ had to work. He is working a lot of overtime, which is a blessing in many ways but really tires him out.
At least he didn’t have to work today. I had hoped EJ could fix the mower so I could finish mowing the lawn, but he was so tired and suffering from back pain that I thought he needed rest more than I needed the lawn mowed so I told him to relax and rest today. There’s always tomorrow…
The sky was blue and the temperature was around 60 today. It was a little cool, but it was just perfect for working outside. It’s hard to work when it’s too hot. I pulled up about 50 million maple seedlings. I only have about three zillion left to pull up.
I also weeded the herb garden behind the rhubarb and I planted some sunflowers there next to the fence so they can lean against it when they get big.
Then I used what EJ says is a vineyard or orchard hoe to dig out a bunch of plants in a garden area next to the front porch. I decided to make the garden a little bit smaller than it was. When I had that area cleared of unwanted plants, I sprinkled some shady area wildflower seeds there. It will be interesting to see if anything grows there and what birds it attracts.
Our lilac bush is now blooming. I do not think any flower is as beautiful or fragrant as lilacs. It’s too bad that they do not last longer. I keep wanting to cut a bouquet to put in a vase in the house, but I was too tired to do it when I finished working today.
The peonies are growing in my peony garden although it will be a while before they bloom. My peonies don’t bloom as early as others in town. I think it’s because they don’t get as much sun as others, although they seem to grow well enough. I recently put a bird bath in the peony garden. We can see it from one of our living room windows. We have four living room windows. From two we can see bird feeders and from one we can see the bird bath. We put our air conditioner in the fourth window during the summer.
By the time I finished working outside, I was exhausted and very sore. We had a very simple supper because I was too tired to make a bigger meal. I washed the dishes and then I cut up an orange for the orioles. I absolutely love watching them. They are so beautiful.
Then I took a hot, soaking, relaxing bath, put on my PJs even though it was only 5:30 p.m. Now I’m relaxing, feeling too tired and crippled to move. I did too much today, but I don’t care because it was wonderful to be out in the garden.
Hot & Cold
It has rained all week. At the beginning of the week it was very warm and humid, and there were several thunderstorms. One crack of thunder was so loud that poor Little Bear leaped up from the window sill where he was sleeping and dashed out of the room. In between thunderstorms, EJ put up a fence post or two, and I weeded the strawberry patch. I also pulled up millions of maple seedlings, but there are zillions and zillions more seedlings so I barely made a dent. Every fall I love our maple trees because of the beautiful flaming red colored leaves and every Spring I hate the trees because of the zillions of seedlings.
Mid-week the storms ceased but the rain continued and the temperatures turned colder. I had turned off our heat because of the warm days but turned it back on today because it was so damp and cold–in the mid-40s. When it was hot and humid I ordered a couple pedestal fans from Amazon. They arrived today but now it’s too cold to use them. That’s Michigan for you!
I continue to love the bird feeders and houses. I enjoy the lemony yellow of the goldfinches, and the beautiful Rose-Breasted Grosbeaks and Baltimore Orioles. I haven’t seen the Grosbeaks in several days but the Orioles visit the feeders every day. I love watching them eat the oranges I put out for them. In the last couple days I’ve seen the first hummingbirds this year visiting the feeders. I think Michigan only gets ruby-throated hummingbirds, but they are a thrill to see. The Sparrows have babies in the blue bird house. I can hear their faint chirping whenever Papa or Mama flies near. I believe wrens are building nests in one of the bird apartment houses but they seem to visit different holes each time I see them. I don’t know if that means that we have several wrens building nests or one couple can’t make up their mind about which hole to select.
EJ bought some hot peppers the other day. He saved a couple so he can plant the seeds but gave me the rest. Now that it’s cooler again, I set up the food dehydrators to dry them. The dehydrators put out a bit of heat so I didn’t want to get them going when it was so hot. Now my house smells like hot peppers.
House and Gardens
This morning EJ and I went grocery shopping together. I’m glad he came with me even though he had to go to work this afternoon because shopping is always more fun with him. We have shopped together ever since we got married. I mostly wanted to get bird seed because I was almost out. I bought a bag of mixed seeds and a bag of sunflower seeds. We bought other groceries too.
After we got home, I put the groceries away and then made lunch. I was starving because I hadn’t eaten any breakfast. Usually I eat breakfast but I wasn’t hungry when we left home. As I was preparing lunch, I looked out the window over the sink and noticed a tiny wren exploring one of the birdhouses–the one on the left. I was beginning to think no bird would move into the house this year so I was excited. The wren went from one hole to another to another as if it were house hunting. I felt like telling the wrens how wonderful these houses were and that I’d give them a discount if they moved in today. Later I saw a wren try to take a stick into one of the holes. The stick was too big so it had to drop it. I didn’t see the wren while I was doing dishes. I so hope it is really building a nest in the house. Sparrows built a nest in the blue house that we put up last Spring. I suspect they have babies now because Mama and Papa Sparrow are very busy and I think I hear faint chirping.
We had bought a few herbs today which I had to plant, which meant I had to find a pot for them, so after lunch I decided to carry all the indoor plants out to the front porch for the summer. I think it is warm enough now. I planted a couple of the herbs in pots whose plants had died over the winter.
I decided to clean out my herb garden. We have two maple trees that are gorgeous in the autumn, but in Spring I always have zillions and zillions and zillions of maple seedlings growing EVERYWHERE. They are easy to pull out when they are tiny, but the bigger they grow, the more effort it takes to yank them out. And if they get too big, we would have to saw them down. If I don’t pull them out, we would be fenced in by a forest of maple trees in just a few short years. The young woman who took care of our cats while JJ had his surgery in Indianapolis said she was bored and she offered to help me. I think that if she is willing, I will ask her to pull out maple seedlings.
Anyway I got most of the herb garden weeded. I kept telling myself “Don’t overdo! Don’t overdo!” because I tend to get focused on a project and work at it until the project is finished or I’m exhausted, whichever comes first. I left the part of the garden where the rhubarb is for another day because I started to get too tired. I am feeling better, but I tire easily. I wonder if all the hours and weeks sitting in hospital rooms has weakened me physically. Probably.
It was very beautiful out today–sunny with temps about 81 degrees. Everything is bursting out with Spring. The tulips and daffodils have bloomed. I noticed that our lilac bush is beginning to blossom and the peonies nearby are growing but not yet blooming. The little Cherry trees near the feeders have blossomed. Working out in garden is very soothing even if it is hard work. It was really nice to work outside even just for a while.
I came inside, sat down, and drank some iced tea, and rested for a bit. Then JJ wanted me to come upstairs with him while he walked on the treadmill. He wasn’t able to do it as long as he had planned–he also tires easily–but it’s a good sign that he felt like walking. EJ says he is beginning to feel stronger. He thought about going to the home improvement store for fence pieces tomorrow, but it’s supposed to storm. The forecast says it will storm for the next two or three days.
When we came back downstairs, I did dishes. The I emptied the bags of birdseed into kitty litter containers. We use empty kitty litter containers for a lot of things, like storing birdseed, cat food, and dog food, or for buckets, and so on. EJ said on the way home that if we bought just three or four more bags of birdseed, we probably wouldn’t need to buy any more until next Spring. I said, “Ha! These bags won’t last long. The birds are pigs.” But they are also very fun and relaxing and educational to watch. I have never had so much fun. After I filled up the containers with birdseed, I took one out and filled all the bird feeders. Then I sat down with a glass of ice tea and I will rest for the remainder of the evening.
Visitors
We were successful at getting JJ’s CT Scan at our second try yesterday. I thought wouldn’t it be terrible if we got there and found out that he was supposed to have fasted? I didn’t think he had to, but the last six months are now a blur–like fast forwarding through a movie. Having to cancel a second time would have been awful. However, everything went smoothly.
Our sleep patterns are all messed up. JJ had stayed up until 6 a.m. Friday morning and had only had an hour of sleep, I had had only 3-4 hours of sleep, and while EJ had slept well Thursday night, the night before that he had gotten only 4 hours of sleep after working a 13 hour day. So when we got home from the CT Scan, we all scattered to take naps–JJ on the couch, me on the love seat, and EJ upstairs in our bed. About 30 minutes after I laid down, I suddenly leaped up and shouted, “OH, NO!!!” I scared JJ so much that he leaped off the couch and exclaimed “What’s wrong?!” I realized that I had dreamed that we overslept for the CT Scan. Oops. JJ said, “Don’t DO that!” After my heart stopped beating fast in fear, I went upstairs and napped in the guest room.
I thought that was funny.
Every day I tell myself it’s ok to rest and that there will come a time when I am not so tired. Yesterday I came across a story about a couple anonymous students who create inspirational quote designs which they leave in a classroom at Columbus College of Art and Design every week. One of their designs quoted T.T. Williams. It’s sort of hard to see in the picture, but it says: “An Individual doesn’t get cancer…a family does.” I thought that was very accurate–not just of cancer, but of any illness or tragedy. It affects the whole family.
So every day I tell myself that it’s ok that we take time to rest. The world won’t end if projects don’t get done NOW. I am practicing patience. It does no good to be frustrated and to work myself into more exhaustion.
I continue to enjoy watching the birds outside my window. It is very enjoyable, interesting, and relaxing to me. Putting up bird feeders was one of my more excellent ideas. I’m trying, little by little, to learn the names of the birds. It’s not easy (for a beginner like me) because a lot of birds look very similar to each other. I’m finding that the birds I lumped all together as “sparrows” are different types of sparrows and different kinds of birds. The other day I identified house sparrows and white-crowned sparrows. Today I saw a house sparrow carry a strand of rope to his/her nest. I love knowing that they are building their nest and will soon lay eggs.
I’m also noticing that the birds have different habits. For example, there are days when the Rose-breasted Grosbeaks are frequent visitors to the feeders and days when I don’t see them at all. I also haven’t seen the orioles for a few days. I wonder why some days they are here and some days they aren’t? Where do they go when they are not here?
We haven’t had any squirrels at our feeders since I began putting the feeders up last autumn. However, last week I noticed a squirrel noticing the feeders and since then she has returned to eye them. Today she keeps climbing the pine tree and looking at the feeders near it. I think she is calculating and plotting and soon she will figure out how to access them.
I know a lot of people try to prevent squirrels, starlings, hawks, or other “nuisances” from accessing the feeders. Maybe I will do that at some point as well, but right now I figure they are part of life, and they all have to eat, and it’s interesting watching the drama unfold. It’s more interesting than a series on TV. I can see why people become avid birdwatchers.
Here are photos of some of the visitors at my feeders. The pictures are not as beautiful as the ones my friend Sandy takes. I don’t have the skill or the camera that she does. Also my windows are dirty from cat noses and a winter’s accumulation of dirt (I do NOT have to wash windows right now….!). It’s also a challenge to take good pictures when cats are trying to get lovings at the very moment I am trying to take a photo. But I do the best I can with what I got. 🙂
Oops
This morning I woke up just before 7 a.m. That is the time I prefer to wake up, and which I used to wake up, but my sleep patterns have gotten all messed up so I’ve been not able to sleep until the wee hours of the morning lately and then I sleep until late in the morning. So it was sort of nice to be able to wake up earlier.I spent the morning watching the birds. The beautiful Rose-Breasted Grosbeak was a frequent visitor to the feeders today. It especially liked the feeders under the pine tree. EJ lent me his small binoculars so I could see them clearly. They are such beautiful birds. I can’t believe I’ve lived in this area all my life and have never seen this bird before this year.
I learned to identify a couple of the sparrows: The House Sparrow and the White-Crowned Sparrow. There are a lot of different types of sparrows and sparrow-like birds that look very similar, but I am trying to learn to identify them.
I was amazed to see an Indigo Bunting this morning. It is another bird that I have never before seen. I thought it would be the size of a Baltimore Oriole or a Cardinal and was surprised to discover that it was only the size of a sparrow. It was a very pretty blue color, although not as vibrant as the one in the photo. I wonder if I was seeing the female? Next I want to see a Scarlet Tanager. I’ve never seen one of those before either.
This morning JJ had a CT Scan scheduled for about 11:40 a.m. We drove the hour to the imagining center and then discovered that we were supposed to have been there an hour earlier so JJ could drink the solution. I do not know if it was their mistake or mine, but I assume it was mine. With all the many appointments I have scheduled for JJ over the last few months, I never made a mistake, but now that we are mostly done, I did. They said he could drink the solution and have the scan done at 1 p.m., but EJ would not have had enough time to make it to work, so we had to reschedule for tomorrow morning at 8:30 a.m. They gave JJ the drinks so he could begin drinking them at 7:30 a.m.
The thought of returning for another appointment is tiring, and even at the best of times an 8:30 a.m. appointment would be difficult for EJ because he works second shift. What makes it worse is that EJ had to work late last night and didn’t get home until 4 a.m. so he was really tired today. He didn’t know before he left for work if he has to work late again tonight. He said that he has to work without a day off–not even weekends–until Memorial Day. With his grueling schedule, I am especially dismayed that we have to go back for a CT scan so early tomorrow.
The day is warm and beautiful so I decided to try to work in the garden. We have two maple trees that drop zillions of seeds every year, and in the Spring the zillions of seeds start to grow all over our yard. I have pull them our when they are small and easily to uproot. The bigger they grow, the more effort it takes. I worked on it for a little while but my goodness it’s awful how quickly I tire.
I took Danny for a walk not long after EJ went to work. I encountered my neighbor and thanked him for taking down the dead tree a couple of days ago. He said, “No problem” and then said that if we don’t get our new fence up by this weekend, he will do it. I commented that we have wanted to get the fence up but we have been so exhausted by everything that happened this winter…He said that he has a clematis that is on the ground and needs to climb so the fence is going up this weekend. I do not know if he means he will put up our fence or if he will put up lattice like he had before the tree fell down. I hope he just means the lattice because I don’t want him doing what we should be doing. Our yard is higher than our neighbors’ yards so the fence is on the retaining wall and is absolutely ours and not merely shared. I feel so frustrated because we have wanted to get the new fences up, but with EJ working so many hours and with our lack of energy, and with the CT Scan tomorrow, there is no way that we can get it up by this weekend.
I finished walking Danny and then I came home and cried because we have to drive back for the CT scan again tomorrow, and we can’t get fence up, and I do not know if our neighbors understand our exhaustion or if they think we are merely being lazy. I would think that by now we’d be recovering, but I feel more weak, tired, overwhelmed, and unable to handle things now than I did through all the cancer treatments. It’s very, very frustrating. I keep telling myself: “We will get through this….We will get through this.”
Battle cancer with my son has made me so much more compassionate towards those who are suffering from a debilitating illness. And now my compassion has deepened for those who are emerging from a difficult time.
Fowl Delight
I’d like to say that we are bouncing back from JJ’s battle with cancer, but it’s going a lot slower than I expected or wanted. I can’t say this is the most difficult time we have experienced so far because it’s all been difficult–the day JJ was diagnosed with cancer, the medical appoints, the Chemo treatments, the various surgeries were all difficult-but I have felt more tired, and stressed, and overwhelmed at this time than any other. I feel at the very edge of my endurance, and it doesn’t take much to be pushed beyond it. I think we need as much compassion and understanding now as we needed while JJ was undergoing treatments. We are so depleted that it feels as if we will never get our physical or emotional energy back, but I suppose it will come back eventually. The difficulty is being patient with the very slow slowness of recovery.
However, there are a lot of very good things in our lives right now too.
JJ is recovering nicely, which is wonderful. He is still content to rest most of the day but I think that as he gains strength he will begin to feel more active. His hair is growing back more and more. His facial hair looks darker, but we aren’t really sure yet if the hair on his head will be as dark. We assume so. He lost some, but not all, of his eyelashes from Chemo so he has two different colors of eyelashes–his old lashes are lighter and his new lashes are darker. He said he’s not going to shave for a while because after having lost all his hair, he is going to celebrate the fact that he has HAIR.
Spring is arriving, daffodils and tulips are blooming. We have had a few warm-ish days, but the weather has been mostly cool and rainy-ish. I don’t mind because then I don’t feel like I have to be out working in the garden. I love to work in my garden, but I tend to push myself too much. I am trying to remind myself to not over-do. We are supposed to get some warmer days this week, and I will try to do some gardening but will set small goals.
My greatest delight is the birds. I have three bird feeder poles now. One is outside a living room window where I can see it clearly while sitting in my favorite place on the love seat. One is outside the big living room window where EJ can see it clearly. The third was also outside the big living room window, but neither of us could see it very well. After moving it several times in an attempt to make all the feeders hanging on it viewable from where we sit, I finally gave up and moved it under the pine tree. Although it’s further away, I can see it–and we will also be able to see it when we sit on the front porch.
I try to include a variety of seeds, fruit, nuts, and mealworms to attract different types of birds. I have also hung a couple hummingbird feeders, although I haven’t yet seen any. I am amazed at the variety of birds that come to the feeders. We are now getting a lot of brown-headed cowbirds. Last week I saw some beautiful Rose-Breasted Grosbeaks for the first time in my life. It was thrilling! And this morning I saw a beautiful orange bird. A lot of birds look similar so at first I thought it was a Black-headed Grosbeak until I saw on the All About Birds website that they are not located in our area. I also noticed that the beak isn’t the same. I decided that it’s a Baltimore Oriole. I haven’t seen one in years and years and am so excited that they are coming to our feeders!
I think maybe I should start keeping a list of all the birds I see at my feeders. Bird-watching is so much fun and brings me a lot of joy.
Reaffirmation
I thought this was a very bad week, and it was very difficult in many ways. However, G-d has a way of changing “bad” into “good”–or if not exactly “good” then at least “beneficial.” A friend did something earlier this week that triggered memories and feelings of the emotional abuse I suffered. I felt anguish, sadness, anger, feelings of worthlessness, self-blame, confusion, powerlessness, and loss of identity. My stomach felt tied into knots, I felt emotionally and physically exhausted, and I had trouble sleeping. Because we were already worn out, it was even more difficult to deal with all this. I thought, “Why did this have to happen NOW when we are already pushed to the limits of our endurance from JJ’s battle with cancer???”
I don’t want to describe the actual situation, and neither do I want to get bogged down in a description of my life story. Frankly I am tired of talking about it. However, I do think it would be helpful to describe what emotional abuse is and how it affects a person. The following is from several different websites:
Emotional abuse can be defined as any behavior that affects the psychology of an individual by overpowering him/her. It involves verbal, as well as non-verbal abuse that eventually undermine the self-respect and independence of the sufferer…
An individual under prolonged abuse loses his/her self-confidence, self-concept, self-motivation, and self-worth. It can be more harmful than physical abuse because it can undermine what we think about ourselves. It can cripple all we are meant to be as we allow something untrue to define us.
I have fought very hard to overcome these things and become who G-d designed me to be. Sometimes it feels as if I have to keep fighting and fighting these battles, and I get discouraged. But when I look back, I discover that each battle that I have fought has strengthened me in a different way. Including this one. I have made progress this week. While I will always strive to be loving, patient, compassionate, and understanding towards others, today I began to re-affirm my declarations for myself, which I first began to develop when emerging from emotional abuse. They are:
- No matter how good-intentioned they may be, I will not allow myself to become anyone’s “project” to fix and mold into what they want me to be.
- I will not no longer silently accept criticism, insults, disrespect, or devaluing without the right to explain, defend myself, or make it right.
- I certainly have my share of weaknesses, imperfections, failures, and annoying habits, and I will take responsibility for them. However, I will not allow anyone to shift blame onto me that is not mine. I will not apologize for things that I did not do.
- I will allow myself to fail, mess up, be imperfect, have bad days without beating myself up about it–and without letting others make me feel like a failure.
- I will remember that I have the right to my own feelings. What I feel is not “nonsense.”
- I will remember that I might not be the same as “you,” with your gifts and strengths, but that does not mean that I am flawed. It means I am different, with different gifts and strengths. God designed us to be different and a difference is not the same as a flaw.
- I will remembered that it’s ok to have my own likes, dislikes, and opinions.
- I will set firm, healthy boundaries even if someone gets mad at me for it.
I will not allow someone’s disapproval of me to make me feel worthless.- No one is strong all the time, including me. I will not just forgive others for mistakes and failures, I will also forgive myself for mine.
- I will view–and treat–myself as a beloved daughter of G-d.
I thought this was a terrible week. Now I am becoming thankful for how G-d is using it to strengthen me.
After The Storm
We are entering Spring, and with Spring comes sunshine, warmer temperatures, trees budding and leafing, and flowers blooming. But with Spring also comes tornado season. I read that just yesterday, the first EF3 tornado of 2014 touched down in Morehead City, North Carolina.
When the weather is threatening and tornadoes forming, we often fear and pray for the people in their paths. After the tornado, we mourn for the victims, comfort the survivors, and give aid of one sort or another. But sooner or later, especially if we live far away, our lives get back to normal and the tornado’s devastation slips our minds, except for once-a-year remembrances. However, it can take years for the survivors to pick up the pieces of their lives, to deal with not just the property damage, but also the grief and terror from that night. The recovery doesn’t end when the storm is over and the sun comes out. It just begins then.
I think it’s somewhat similar in the aftermath of a serious illness (or death or tragedy). During the illness, people understand the need for support and comfort. After the treatment, when the cancer is !GONE! and the crisis is past, there is incredible relief and joy. As there should be. Life begins to go back to normal. As it must. Eventually. Sometimes I think we forget that recovery takes time.
We are, after a long Winter battle with cancer, entering a Spring. The Chemo is finished. The surgery is over. The weekly blood draws are done. There are still doctor appointments and medical procedures ahead, but they are infrequent now. The cancer is gone. JJ is alive and blossoming! He is a survivor! The storm is over and the sun is shining. The story is over with a happy ending. We won! Life can move on! We are eager to get back to normal life. But I want to describe the recovery stage–at least as it is for us–as I have tried to describe each stage of our battle with cancer. It’s hard to put into words.
During JJ’s battle with cancer. We had strength to do what we had to do. We faced bad news. We went to many medical appointments, tests, procedures, and surgeries day after day after day. We spent hours with JJ at the Cancer Center and hospitals. We cared for JJ while he was sick at home. We endured sleepless nights and long days. We laughed to keep his spirits up. We had sisu.
And now?
Now we are in recovery. Now we are picking up the pieces. Now that we have survived the life-threatening illness, now that we don’t have to survive moment-by-moment, we are without strength. We are not discouraged, but we are totally, utterly exhausted–physically, spiritually, and emotionally. We are more tired than we were during the months of battling cancer. We barely have enough energy to make it through the day. We are easily overwhelmed by tasks. We quickly tire.
We can go slow, we can try to pace ourselves, but Life doesn’t stop because we are tired. EJ has to go to work every day no matter how tired he is. In fact, he will be working 7 days a week for the foreseeable future. I have to cook, do laundry, clean the house, pay bills, mow the lawn…and other such jobs. We have to take down the dead tree so it isn’t a risk to our neighbors. We have to accumulate firewood over the summer to heat our house in winter. We have to plant a vegetable garden to help with food costs. We are eager to get back to normal, and it’s enjoyable to get back to everyday tasks, but they are still very tiring at this point. For example, we worked in the yard earlier this week and got so tired out that we spent the rest of the week with no energy to do anything. Mostly we took naps.
As for JJ, he is gaining health and strength, but his surgery occurred less than four weeks ago, and it will take time for him to heal and regain strength and stamina. He also has to process his cancer and the effect it has had on him, the changes it has made in his life.
This much too-close-to-death illness has had an effect on all of us, and we all need to process it emotionally and spiritually. I am friends with the Testicular Cancer Awareness Foundation on Facebook and sometimes they share pictures and stories of young men who did NOT survive their battles. When I see those pictures, my heart contracts with fear and sorrow. “It could have been JJ. It IS someone else’s JJ who didn’t make it. How very, very sad.” I–we–didn’t have time to really process this when we were in the midst of the battle.
What I would say to friends at this stage of the journey is that we really do not need anything except time to rest. It might appear that our lives are back to normal now, and we really want to get back to normal as quickly as possible, but “normal” is going to take time. The truth is that we are deep-down exhausted and a night or two of sleep is not going to take it away. I don’t know how long it will take for us to regain our strength and stamina: Months? A Year? Give us a year to recover, to rest, to reflect and process, to regain strength before expecting normal from us.
THIS year I want to hibernate and rest. NEXT year we will have energy and enjoy fun things again. NEXT year we will be normal.
Life’s Focus
I’m discovering that even though battling cancer with a loved one is very, very difficult and very, very exhausting, it’s also very difficult and exhausting to try to merge back into life afterwards. During the cancer battle, life’s focus narrowed down to a task, a moment, and a room. We focused on making it through THIS task at THIS moment in THIS room in the doctor’s office or Cancer Center or hospital. We didn’t worry about tasks beyond what was absolutely necessary. If we weren’t home or if we were too tired or busy to cook, we ordered out. We slept when we could and moved when we had to.
But now that we are merging back into life, our focus is widening again. We have to prepare meals, we have to work at tasks that, out of necessity, we had postponed. Where before, I summoned the energy to do what I had to do, I now find myself with little energy but many things to do. I’m finding some of these tasks overwhelming and exhausting–even the thought of them are overwhelming and exhausting–and when I feel too overwhelmed or overtired, I feel a bit irritable or grumpy. I’m trying not to because I really do not like to be Grumpy. I do not even like to be slightly Grumpy.
I told a friend that I was sorry I am feeling tired, overwhelmed, and grumpy and she said that she believes that now that we have made it through the cancer treatments and surgery, all the exhaustion is surging forward. I think it must be like a credit card–you can postpone payment but sooner or later the bills come due. My friend said to give myself time. I have loving, patient friends.
Yesterday the weather was sunny and in the lower 70s. It was very, very nice. The forecast had said it would be much the same today so this morning I took the tarp off the patio table on the front porch. I planned to sit there and drink coffee, but the day was much too cool. So I checked the forecast again this morning and it said the high would be only 50. It wasn’t too cold to work outside in the morning, but about noon it began to get windier and the wind made it feel colder. Brrrrr.
I like working outside in my gardens, but we can’t really enjoy our yard until we get the dead tree down so it doesn’t fall and hurt anyone or crush more fences. We really can’t put that off. Once the tree is down, we can repair the fences. Besides the fact that the broken fences look awful, Danny has found a way to get out of the yard. We thought we had all the obvious places blocked, but he’s been getting out somehow and running through the neighborhood. Then he comes running back home filled with joy at having had such a grand adventure. Silly dog.
In order to buy more fence pieces, we had to borrow our friend’s truck, which was filled with firewood that he was giving us. We unloaded the truck yesterday, but the wood was heavy, the work was exhausting, and then there were piles of firewood all over the back yard. Many of the pieces have to be split or sawed so they will fit into our wood stove and I worried about EJ having to do it because splitting and sawing hurts his damaged back. When I saw the piles of wood in the yard yesterday I felt overwhelmed and wanted to cry.
We were going to get the new fence pieces today, but it was too windy to try to transport them so we decided to wait for a calmer day.
We need to prepare the ground in the back yard so we can plant a veggie garden, but we can’t do that until the wood is out of the back yard. The wood can’t be out of the back yard until it’s split/sawed. It can’t be stacked into the woodshed until we finish putting sides on woodshed. We were putting up new fences and also using fence pieces as “siding” for the woodshed last autumn but we didn’t finish it because JJ got cancer. Once JJ was diagnosed with cancer, work on everything else stopped. We can’t finish putting the sides on the woodshed until we get the dead tree down since the dead tree is next to the back of the woodshed. Removing the dead tree is key to getting other tasks done.
This morning EJ split quite a bit of the wood. He will have still more wood to split/saw when the dead tree comes down. He was able to cut down some of the dead tree with his pole saw today after he split the wood. Whenever he cut down a branch of the dead tree, I dragged it in front of the garage and used my garden pruners to cut off the smaller branches, which I put in a pile that the Village will haul away. EJ will have to saw up the larger branches for firewood. Our neighbor said he’d take the dead tree down using his bucket truck, but we don’t know when he can do it so we decided to just keep chipping (or rather sawing) away at the tree. We worked hard today and made some progress, although we still have a lot to do.
Meanwhile, when I am not helping EJ, I am working in the garden near the bird feeders. I want to get this project done so we can access the cherry trees and bird feeders without stepping on flowers. I have been trying to clean out the “garden island” so that I can plant flower seeds to attract hummingbirds and butterflies. The “garden island” is filled with vines–and so is the surrounding areaa that we have mowed. I yank and pull and prune the vines but the vines stubbornly grip the ground. I feel as if I am battling an insidious Vine Monster that wants to conquer my world. Ha! I refuse to let it win. However, I can only battle it for short bursts at a time because it exhausts me. I am trying to be careful so that in pulling out the vines, I do not also pull out the tulips and daffodils that are already there, but some of the flowers are looking a bit battered.
When I was not helping EJ or battling the Vine Monster, I worked at cleaning up my herb garden. When that gets all cleared out, I can buy and plant herbs to replace those that died over the hard winter. I am not working hard on this garden yet because it’s not as much of a priority as the other tasks. Mostly I just work on it when I’m waiting for EJ or I need a break from the Vine Monster. There is no Vine Monster in the herb garden. Instead, there is a Berry Bush Monster along the fence that claws me whenever I get too close. However, it is not as difficult to fight as the vines.
I worked outside until I was stumbling with fatigue. Then I came inside and made a big pot of chili. It’s so cool out that it feels like chili weather. Plus the chili is easy to reheat and it will allow me to keep working outside rather than have to stop to prepare meals. I also made more potato salad because it is delicious and I have been craving it lately.
I know, I know, you can say “relax, pace yourself, you don’t have to exhausted yourself working in the yard.” But we have to get the dead tree down so it doesn’t hurt someone, and we have to split, saw, and stack the wood so we can plant a veggie garden, and we can’t do that until we finish the woodshed, and…..I do enjoy working out in the yard. I want to get the difficult “must do” stuff done so we can enjoy the yard this summer, but I wish we had had more time to rest before we had to tackle all this. All this work is why I didn’t mind Winter lasting a long time.
By the way, JJ’s hair is growing back. Right now it is very soft and fine like baby duck fuzz. I’d take a picture of it, but it doesn’t show up well enough in a photograph. We are wondering if his hair will be black.
Also, JJ’s incision is healing. I asked to see it today, and thought it was interesting that I could see little dots where the staples had been. I wonder if the dots will form scars too? When JJ went to get his staples pulled out, the doctor said that the nurse would put a row of surgical tape across the incision and he should just leave the pieces of tape on until they fell off. He has only two pieces of tape left. He pulled on one while I took the picture and I said, “UGH! STOP IT!”
Now that I have taken a break and written this post, I need to go wash dishes…
Outside Work
I had thought that after JJ’s surgery in Indianapolis, our lives would quickly calm down with only an occasional blood draw, CT Scan, and doctor’s visit. However, last week we had only one day in which we didn’t have to take JJ to an appointment. Monday was his blood draw, Tuesday he got his staples removed, and Wednesday was an appointment with his oncologist. The days of Chemo and surgery have left us very, very exhausted, so I kept reminding EJ and JJ that we needed to talk to the oncologist about how often JJ was supposed to have blood tests, when did he need his CT scans and how were we to schedule them, and when were we to schedule appointments to get JJ’s port flushed. We remembered to talk to the oncologist about everything except the port flushing. Bummer! So I called and left a message and the nurse got back with me on Thursday and I made an appointment for him to have his port flushed on Friday.
JJ had his port flushed every day that he had Chemo. His port will stay in for about a year–maybe longer–until the doctors determine that the cancer really is gone and the port can be taken out. It still needs to be flushed every two months. I knew it didn’t take long but I didn’t know what was involved in flushing a port because I never stayed in the room while JJ was getting hooking up to the Chemo. (You know, so I wouldn’t faint.) However, I just looked it up on the Internet and read: “Flushing the mediport is necessary to keep the device open and usable. They can be flushed with normal saline or heparin. Heparin is an anti-clotting medication. The flushing solution is drawn into a syringe and injected into the port. Typically, normal saline is flushed through the port followed by heparin.”
JJ and I have been so tired that after EJ left for work each day, we both fell asleep for a couple of hours. I had to go shopping on Friday because I was out of Shabbat candles. I was so tired that I didn’t think I would have the energy to go shopping, go to the Cancer Center, and then come home and clean the house and prepare for Shabbat, so I suggested that EJ and I divide tasks. I went shopping in the morning and stayed home to prepare for Shabbat while EJ, who had Friday off, took JJ to the Cancer Center. It worked out well. I had my tasks finished by the time they returned home so we all went for a walk around the block. We try to take JJ for a walk everyday so he can regain strength.
Saturday we all rested. We studied and talked and read.
After JJ’s surgery, my friend had a bouquet of balloons delivered to his room. The balloons were attached to a stuffed kitten by ribbons. We brought them home with us but noticed that Luke was chewing on the ribbons so the other day I cut the ribbons from the stuffed kitten and let them float near the ceiling out of Luke’s reach. It’s of fun seeing all those balloons all over the living room ceiling–like a floating forest. EJ and JJ think they look like colorful jellyfish.
Neither EJ or I slept well last night. I couldn’t sleep because I was wondering how we could get the dead tree cut down when we are all so exhausted.
This afternoon EJ and I worked in the yard. He started cutting down the dead tree. He could only work for an hour before the battery ran down on the cordless electric pole saw. He figured he could work on it for an hour every day.
After he finished working on the tree, he came out to the side yard and helped me. My garden had filled the whole area between the fence and the house with a path running through it. I decided to make a sort of garden island to the right of the path and mow between it and the house. This will make the bird feeders and cherry trees accessible so EJ doesn’t trample my flowers like an orc. I hope. The “island” is sort of odd-shaped because I didn’t want to disturb the growing flowers. It was a very difficult task clearing the area between the island and the house because there was ivy growing everywhere. I yanked up the ivy, pulling with all my might, and sometimes using the garden pruners. Then EJ mowed the area. He mowed over ivy I couldn’t get up, and there was occasionally stones hidden in the ivy, and rough ground. I think it looks neater without the tangle of ivy next to the house.
I found a hummingbird migration map on the Internet a few weeks ago and I have been following the progress of the hummingbirds as they move north. I noticed that the hummingbirds are now in our area so I put out some hummingbird feeders. They are very pretty red antique-looking glass bottle feeders. I can’t wait for hummingbirds to find it. I also want to plant flowers that will attract hummingbirds.
Our work outside was pleasantly interrupted when a neighbor stopped by to ask about JJ. We talked to her for quite a while. She let us give lovings to her beautiful golden retriever. After she left, EJ finished mowing that part of the yard. He had considered mowing some of the other parts of the yard, but we ran out of energy. We have a lot of different garden areas in our yard. We will work on them little by little until our yard looks nice.
We came into the house and I prepared a bag of trash to take out to the large trash can near the garage. EJ offered to take out for me. He left the house and didn’t return and didn’t return and didn’t return. I figured he was talking to a neighbor who lives beyond our garage. I was right. EJ told me that this neighbor offered to take down the dead tree for us, using his bucket truck. He will be able to do it in one morning and without causing damage to our garage. He also offered to dig holes for the new fence poles using another of his cool machines. YAY. We will just need to get new fencing to replace the fence that was crushed when part of the dead tree fell on it last autumn. We will probably have to cut the dead tree into firewood-sized pieces, but at least the tree will be down. That is a relief to me. I have been worried about more of the tree falling and hurting our neighbors, who often play horseshoes in that part of their yard.
After we finished our yard work, I made popcorn. I really do make the best popcorn ever, and I figured we deserved the treat. Then we spent relaxed. I think we will go to bed early tonight since we slept so badly last night.
And Miles To Go…
It’s been several days since I have written anything in this blog.
Saturday was Shabbat so we rested.
Sunday EJ moved several climbing rose bushes away from the bird feeders and next to the fences where they can climb better. EJ is never “aware” when he walks through my garden and he always manages to step on my flowers even though I try to point them out to him. I cringed as he trampled my tulips and daffodils that were just poking up from the ground. I accused him of being an orc in my garden, going out of his way to stomp on fragile flowers. Then I forgave him.
EJ also dug another hole, put up another post, and fastened my second new bird house to the top. Sparrows are already building a nest in the blue bird house we put up last Spring. Now I am just waiting–rather eagerly and impatiently–for the birds to find these new houses. The bird houses are all positioned so I can see them from my kitchen window as I do dishes. We plan to put grape vines along the fence in this area to become a sort of living green fence. We will be able to enjoy the grapes and we hope the birds will too.
We also discussed what needs to be done in our yard. One of the most important Big Jobs is getting the dead tree down. I want to find someone to take it down for us so we don’t have to worry about it. Then we can put up new fences.
After EJ went to work, I worked a bit in the yard, doing little things, and then came inside and made coleslaw and charoset. The recipes can vary, but charoset is a mixture of apples, walnuts, honey, grape juice, and cinnamon that is a part of the Passover meal.
Monday JJ had another blood draw at the lab. He was dreading it because he has had so many blood draws that the nurses at the hospital in Indianapolis had trouble finding a usable vein and finally had to use a portable ultrasound machine to locate one. We got up early so that we could get there and back again in time to celebrate Passover before EJ had to leave for work. Passover actually began at sunset, but EJ couldn’t take the day off because he has been using vacation days to be with JJ as he battled cancer. We didn’t want to celebrate without EJ. Usually I enjoy having guests for Passover but because we had medical appointments this week and we have been so tired from such a long ordeal, we decided to keep our Passover very simple and not have guests this year. Maybe next year…
Monday turned out to be a very difficult day. We have gotten through Chemo, and we have gotten through the surgery in Indianapolis, but the journey hasn’t yet slowed down for us. JJ still has medical tests and procedures and appointments to get through. Yesterday was probably one of the most difficult days we’ve had since we learned that JJ had cancer. Needless to say (but I will say it anyway), we weren’t able to celebrate Passover as planned and we were hugely disappointed. I know it sounds kind of silly after all the stuff we have endured, but it was almost the last straw, almost more than I could bear, because I was really, really looking forward to Passover. Passover, the Feast of Unleavened Bread, and the Feast of First Fruits occur in the same week and are what Jesus–Yeshua–would have celebrated. I always thought that these Feasts and Easter were the same but they not. I love the incredible deep meaning of every part of Passover, encompassing all the senses, and it was discouraging to be unable to celebrate it. We considered celebrating Passover after EJ got home from work–at around 11:30 p.m.–but none of us had the strength. I wasn’t sure if we would have enough time today because I didn’t know how long it would take to remove JJ’s staples or if he’d feel well enough afterwards. Bummer.
I had trouble getting to sleep last night and ended up only getting an hour of sleep. JJ only slept a few hours more than I did. So we were exhausted today as we headed to our family doctor’s office to get the staples removed. We drove through a snow-dusted landscape. The weather had been really nice over the last several days with temps up into the 60s and even low 70s but the temps dropped yesterday and it snowed overnight. We can get snow in April, and even have had snow in mid-May, but it’s always difficult to have snow again after having a taste of warmer weather.
We were told we didn’t need an appointment to get JJ’s staples removed, but we could come during “walk-in” hours and a nurse would remove the staples. We weren’t sure how busy the “walk-in” times were, and I was glad that we were one of the first ones there and the wait wasn’t long. The nurse was surprised at the number of staples that JJ had. She said that she was used to removing only 3-4 at a time. JJ had 29 staples. She said that with that many, she was going to have our doctor stop in and check him to make sure he was healing nicely before she removed them. JJ’s incision looked good and was healing nicely.
I was going to stay by JJ’s side to give him support as he had his staples removed–as a good, caring mother should–but everyone urged me to go wait in the waiting room. I guess no one wanted me to faint. I am always embarrassed by my tendency to faint. I always feel like an utter wimp, but EJ and JJ always explain to the doctor or nurses that I am very courageous but I just have a very strong sense of empathy, especially for our son. My second super power is that I have deep empathy. (My first is an incredible gift for finding lost items.)
When my guys rejoined me, I asked JJ how it all went. He said it was a bit uncomfortable and even a little painful at times, but he got through it. The nurse put a bunch of small strips of surgical tape across his incision while it finishes healing.
We got home early enough so we were able to celebrate Passover. Yay! Our “table” was the coffee table next to the couch so JJ could participate while lying down. Halfway through JJ started to “fade” but he hung on until the end. We were all very glad that we were able to celebrate Passover after all. There is a part of the Passover meal–toward the end–when a child goes to the door to see if Elijah has come. Most years there is no Elijah at the door, but some years there are surprises. This year just before we reached that point, there was a knock at the door. Our “Elijah” was a UPS man with a box of hummingbird nectar. LOL.
As soon as EJ left for work, JJ and I curled up on couch and love seat for much-needed naps. JJ was able to sleep for about three hours. I slept for less than one hour because my cell phone woke me. I turned the volume down to “vibrate” but didn’t want to turn my phone off in case a doctor called. I already missed a follow-up call last week from the Indianapolis surgeon and didn’t want to miss it again. Every time I drifted off to sleep, my phone vibrated. I am a light sleeper and after the second call I couldn’t get back to sleep. Sigh. One call was from the oncologist’s office reminding us of tomorrow’s appointment. The other call was from a guy asking if he could talk to Kevin. In the last several weeks, I have received about a dozen calls from this guy wanting to talk to Kevin. Each time I have very nicely and very patiently explained that he had the wrong number and there was no Kevin here. I would think that the guy would start to understand that he has THE WRONG NUMBER but it doesn’t seem to be sinking in to him. So I am trying to think of a way to tell him more firmly that he really, really has the wrong number, there is no Kevin at this number and hasn’t been for the 10 years I’ve had the phone number, and he really needs to stop calling. I don’t want to be rude, but I’m getting tired of it.
We just have to get through the rest of the day. Then sleep (I hope). Then the appointment with the oncologist tomorrow morning. I want to ask the oncologist about scheduling the every-other-month CT Scans and the flushing of his port. JJ’s port will stay in for at least a year, until they are sure the cancer is gone and it won’t be needed again. (Then he will have a surgery to remove it.) The port needs to be flushed every 6-8 weeks. After tomorrow, hopefully, we won’t have anything to do for the rest of the week. Although EJ has to go to work early tomorrow and he might have to work this weekend.
The last verse of Robert Frost’s poem, Stopping By The Woods On A Snowy Evening, keep running through my mind today:
The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
Slow Motion
I am sleeping on the love seat again while JJ recovers from his surgery. Often he needs help getting up because trying to get himself up strains his abdomen. He is getting stronger and sometimes can get up without help, but at other times his belly hurts and he asks for help. I also think that he appreciates the comfort of not being alone. It’s kind of scary to have a belly full of staples. I have been tempted to share a picture of his staples because it’s kind of interesting, but I fear that would gross people out.
Whenever I sleep on the love seat, the cats settle on and around me, making a very comforting blanket of cats. They are also rather funny. For example, the end of the couch where I put my head has an end table next it. Kee-Kee often leaps on the end table when he wants to come lay on me, but he doesn’t like sinking into the soft pillow so he always walks on my head as if it’s a bridge. Then he settles on my shoulder or neck, gives my face a lick or two, and falls asleep. Little Bear sleeps on my chest (if Kee-Kee isn’t on me) or on my legs. The other night he reached his little paw into my hand as if he was holding my hand. Last night I was awakened by Luke puking close to my head, I quickly lifted my head, saw he was going to puke on EJ’s laptop, shoved him (gently) off the end table, and the floor lamp fell over. Luckily it didn’t break. I was settling down to sleep again when Danny wanted out. Sigh. I let him out, waited a few minutes, and then let him back in. THEN I went back to sleep. Despite night-time interruptions (which I think are kind of funny), I like the cats sleeping on me.
JJ didn’t feel like getting lab tests done today–all of us are extremely deep-down tired this week–so we have decided to do it Monday. This will make next week very busy with lab tests on Monday, JJ’s staples removed on Tuesday, and a follow-up appointment with the oncologist on Wednesday.
Monday night is Passover, and I am not sure how we will fit it in because the days will be busy and EJ has to work. All his vacation days have been spent helping JJ fight cancer. We absolutely love Passover but we will celebrate it very simply this year.
As soon as I woke this morning, while I was still sleepy-eyed, I went grocery shopping. EJ was very tired so he stayed home with JJ. If I hadn’t needed supplies for Passover, I probably wouldn’t have gone. I also did other grocery shopping as well.
After I got home and put the groceries away, I told JJ to open the package that I had picked up at the post office on my way home. The package was from a dear friend and her two boys. They sent us a “movie night in a box” with the second Hobbit movie, which just came out on DVD a couple of days ago, and a variety of snacks that a person would enjoy at the theatre. The Lord of the Rings and the Hobbit are my favorite stories/movies. We haven’t yet seen this latest Hobbit movie so we can’t wait to have our wonderful movie night. I have the most awesome friends. Even though our large TV is broke 😦 we can watch the movie on our computers or on a small TV that I brought up from the basement. I told JJ that we have to re-watch the first Hobbit movie and then we can watch the second one, but I suspect he might not go along with this idea.
After we admired the package from our friends, I went outside with EJ while he dug a hole, put up a post, and hung one of my bird houses. It looks wonderful and I cannot wait until birds move in. EJ didn’t have time to put up the other house. Maybe Sunday he can do it. We have a lot to do in our yard but we are only doing small jobs right now as we recover from the long months of fighting cancer. Big jobs are too much right now.
After EJ left for work, I took Danny for a walk. The day was beautiful–sunny, blue sky, and warmish. When we got home, I took JJ for a walk. He said he wanted to try to walk to the small store for a treat, and I said that if he made it, I’d absolutely buy him the treat. He made it, although on the way home he said he was feeling weak and faint. I told him he could absolutely NOT pass out because I wouldn’t be able to hold him up. He had to make it home. He did.
I wanted to make potato salad because I have been craving it, but I was so tired that I craved sleep more. I took a nap. THEN I made potato salad. After that I moved one of the birdfeeder poles so that rain doesn’t drip onto the feeders from the roof when it rains. I also did dishes, fed JJ, did light housekeeping, and fed JJ again. The doctors said it might take JJ a few weeks to get his appetite back, but I think it’s already happening. The assistant librarian called to tell me that a book I wanted was in. She went to great effort to get it for me from another library so I walked down to get it and to thank her.
It sounds like I did more today than I did. Mostly I am moving in slow motion.
