The day JJ had his CT scan, he felt progressively more sick–nauseous and so cold that I fixed a hot water bottle to warm him. We felt our memories yanked back to the weeks in which we all dozed downstairs to be available to help JJ through the nausea of chemo. I didn’t remember the barium shake affecting him so badly, but JJ said that he thinks that it did but its effects blended into the nausea of chemo so we didn’t really notice. JJ was up most of that night and finally went to bed shortly before I woke up. So EJ and I said the Rosh Hashanah blessings without him on Friday morning and ate some of the special Challah bread. The beautiful bread, stuffed with apples, raisins, honey, and cinnamon was utterly delicious.
In addition to feeling sick from the barium, JJ has been struggling with some sort of cold or respiratory infection. I’m struggling with one too, and keep sniffling and sneezing.
Our guests leaving after a good visit.
One of EJ’s sister’s asked if she and her husband could visit on Saturday. They have wanted to visit for several weeks, but they have had to wait for a day when both their schedules were free and the weather was nice since they were planning to fly down in their little airplane. They live more than 3 hours north of us, but in their airplane it takes only an hour, more or less, depending on whether the wind is with or against them.
On Friday I cleaned the house and mowed the lawn so both would look nice, and since I think it always tastes better on the second day, I also made a pot of chili to serve our guests. On Saturday morning, I woke JJ up at 11 a.m., as he requested, and he took a shower and got dressed while EJ and I drove to the small airport about 30 minutes away to pick up his sister and her husband. We had a really nice visit. C. brought EJ a box of childhood keepsakes. Their Dad died in 2010 and their Mom lives with another sister, so they’ve been cleaning out the old farmhouse. Our guests really liked my chili, saying that it was the best chili they have ever had. This is very high praise since R. is originally from Texas where they take chili seriously. After several hours, we drove our guests back to the airport and watched as they took off. Before they left, they said they hope to visit again. It’s cheaper and quicker for them to visit in their airplane.
Later that night, EJ and I went outside to see if we could see any northern lights. The night sky was clear and quite beautiful, but I think we see fewer stars then we did when we were growing up because of increased light pollution. We’d like to move further north someday where there are fewer people and darker skies.
When we came outside, I heard a cat meowing outside. I thought it was an outside cat, but EJ exclaimed, “That is Little Bear!” We rushed outside and I was able to find Little Bear, even though he is a black cat who blends into a black night. Several weeks ago, Little Bear accidentally got outside where he discovered a whole new world. Since then, he escapes whenever the door is not latched securely. I explained to him last night when I carried him back inside that it really is a dangerous time of year for a black cat to be outside. As Halloween grows closer, black cats are not safe. Little Bear didn’t care. He scratched at the door and cried for a while.
I noticed the cat’s shadow on the floor
Interesting shadow
Shadow in black and white
Today was another beautiful day. EJ and I were going to put the heavy plastic up to protect the firewood from the weather. However, when we went outside EJ saw many bumblebees buzzing around the berry bushes bordering one side of the woodshed so we decided it might be better to do the task on a cooler day when the bees aren’t active.
Instead, we went to the hardware store so EJ could buy things he needed for various projects he wants to do. Then we stopped at the grocery store to take back some empty bottles that have been rattling around in the car. A boy scout was selling popcorn in the entrance area of the store to raise money for his troop. We didn’t buy any because it really is very expensive but EJ paused to call a co-worker who had asked EJ to inform him if he noticed Scouts selling popcorn. While EJ was making the call, I went into the little room off the entrance where the bottle return machines are. I put in all the plastic bottles and then moved over to the machine that takes glass bottles. I put a bottle in the machine and heard a CRASH of breaking glass. I thought the bottles were breaking against bottles already in the bin on the other side. We don’t drink much pop (i.e., soda) so I rarely have a reason to use the machines. I put in another bottle as EJ came into the room. CRASH. EJ started laughing. I put in a third bottle. CRASH. “What are you doing??? The bottles are breaking!” He bent over laughing. “Not my problem,” I said as I put another bottle in the machine. CRASH! “TJ, stop it! You can’t do that!” EJ was laughing so hard he could barely stand. I put in another bottle. CRASH. “TJ! There is no bin on the other side! The bottles are falling and breaking on the floor!” “Seriously? Oh, I didn’t know that. Oops!” I stopped inserting bottles and he took the remainder out to the car to return later. In my defense, I have been feeling sicker as the day went on, with my head getting foggier and more achy. I thought the glasses were breaking against each other. EJ laughed all the way home. I haven’t heard him laugh so hard in a very long time. I told him it was worth it just to hear him laugh so hard.
When we got home, I warmed up yesterday’s chili for lunch. Then I curled up on the couch and dozed for a bit while EJ worked on some of his projects. When I got back up, he felt my head and said I was feverish. He poured me a dose of Nyquil and then walked to the little store to get me some cough drops.
JJ had a CT Scan scheduled for this morning. He has to have scans every few months to make sure the cancer is truly gone and has not reappeared. None of us slept very well in anticipation of this appointment. JJ didn’t sleep well because he’s been dreading yet another medical procedure, I didn’t sleep well because I was concerned that I would oversleep–I am responsible for getting us all up and ready. I think that EJ didn’t get enough sleep because it was just too early for him to get up, since he works second shift.
We enjoyed the drive to the center where JJ has his CT Scans. The day was beautiful with blue skies, warmish (with underlying coolness) autumn temperatures, and trees touched here and there with color. We have not yet seen the peak colors of autumn, but the trees grow more beautiful every day.
After JJ signed in at the reception area in the general waiting room of the imaging center, we were taken back to the inner waiting room where he had to drink two bottles of delicious barium shakes :p JJ and I tend to lapse into comedy whenever we are in a medical waiting room. I believe that laughing helps distract from unpleasant procedures and relieves stress. I took pictures of JJ drinking the awful shakes. I think his expressions of distaste and his lighthearted threats of breaking my camera are humorous. They make us both laugh. While waiting for JJ to be called back for his scan, we heard a bird thud against the window. JJ said, “I wonder why birds fly into windows?” I replied, “Maybe you could become a bird psychologist and figure out why.” He rolled his eyes, “Yeah, like that would be a career in high demand.” I responded with, “Well, owls could certainly use a psychologist.” “Why owls?” JJ asked. “Because they are always asking “Who? Who? They are obviously confused.” JJ said, “Yeah, because they have Owls-heimer’s Disease.” We cracked up. (We were laughing at the pun, not at Alzheimer’s, which is a terrible disease.)
EJ seemed to be dozing in his chair, but he suddenly was holding up a strand with a small worm dangling from it. The worm was roughly the size of a piece of rice. EJ said, “I was just sitting here and this little worm slid down in front of my eyes. I think it was on my hat.” He went over and carefully lowered it in the corner of the room near a small stool. I asked him why he didn’t just throw it away in the wastebasket. He declared that he was NOT going to throw the worm away. “Now the worm is going to start a riot,” I warned. EJ said, “That little worm is not going to start a riot.” “Yes it is, ” I insisted. “It’s going to gradually make its way over to the chairs and crawl up on some lady or girl. She is going to be like me and start screaming. The people in the other waiting room are going to hear the terrified shrieking and they will think something terrible is happening, so they will run out of the building in fear. See? A riot.” Laugh.
Every time we go to this place for a CT Scan,. I think of the first time we came here with JJ. It was last year on Halloween. We could hear a constant awful moaning and groaning every time someone passed a motion detection Halloween decoration somewhere in the inner rooms where the patients disappeared for their procedures. It was creepy but also kind of funny. We kept laughing that that was absolutely not the type of decoration for a medical place.
Anyway, JJ survived today’s CT Scan although the barium shake has made him feel less than well. As we drove home, I called ahead to our favorite Chinese restaurant for takeout. I have it on speed dial. The Chinese restaurant is on our route home and the food was ready by the time we arrived. Whenever JJ has a medical procedure, we always try to stop somewhere–usually the Chinese restaurant–as a way to give him something good to look forward to and enjoy.
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After we ate, JJ went to bed and I prepared dough for Challah bread. I set it aside to rise and then I took Danny for his walk. His hair was still slightly damp from the bath I gave him yesterday afternoon. I don’t bathe him very often because he doesn’t like baths–although he patiently endures them. He is a very patient dog. But, also, his hair is so thick and so strange that it takes forever to dry.
When we got back from our walk, I punched down the Challah dough and then I dozed on the couch while the dough rose a second time. I made the Challah bread today because Rosh Hashanah began last night at sunset, which is celebrated for one day within Israel and two days outside Israel. The name means “Head of the Year.” It is the first day of the Jewish year. It is also considered to be the anniversary of the creation of Adam and Eve, the first man and woman, and their first actions toward the realization of mankind’s role in G‑d’s world. Rosh Hashanah emphasizes the special relationship between G‑d and humanity: our dependence upon G‑d as our creator and sustainer, and G‑d’s dependence upon us as the ones who make His presence known and felt in His world. Jewish traditions state that at that time the world is judged for the coming year. Jews read the Torah and say prayers asking for a good year and declaring God’s kingship over the world. The shofar (ram’s horn) is blown (Leviticus 23:24; Talmud, Rosh Hashanah 33b-34a), symbolically heralding God’s kingship, and calling to mind the covenant of Isaac (see Genesis ch.22). Festive meals are held in the home, and traditional foods (such as the well-known apple dipped in honey) are eaten to symbolize a sweet year. (To read more about this holiday, and its prophetic signifiance for those who believe Jesus/Yeshua is the Messiah, click here.)
On Rosh Hashana, a round Challah bread is made to symbolize the beginning of a new year. It is sometimes braided to resemble a crown to symbolize G-d’s kingship. I have never made a round Challah bread before, but I decided I’d try it this year. I had originally thought to make small, individual-sized Challah breads–about the size of cinnamon rolls. However, I also wanted to fill the dough with apples, raisins, honey, and cinnamon, and I wasn’t sure I’d be able to get the strands small enough for individual Challah, so I decided to make two large loaves instead. I made a fancier design to resemble crowns. They turned out beautifully. I always feel like such a skilled artist when I make Challah bread. Besides Challah, we will have apples slices to dip into honey. We will also say blessings and wish each other a sweet year ahead. We plan to keep our celebration quite simple this year. I really love the Biblical holidays because they are so filled with deep meaning for the Jew, and also for the Christian.
These are rolled up into strands and then braided. Photo from: toriavey.com
This is my unbaked bread. Each strand is filled with apples, raisins, honey, and cinnamon.
This is a closeup of my baked Challah.
These are the two loaves I made.
I also have been blowing my shofar. (Click to read about the importance of the shofar). I cannot make the shofar sound good. However, I am the only one in my family that can make any sound come from the shofar at all, so it’s a talent I am quite proud of.
Since we were so busy today, we plan to eat the Challah and apples and honey tomorrow morning. However, the Challah looks so good that I am not sure we will be able to wait.
This morning after a pancake breakfast with real Michigan maple syrup, EJ and I went to Lowes Home Improvement store to get some heavy plastic to put over the top of the woodshed to protect the firewood from the weather. Our woodshed used to be a grape arbor. Last year we put sides on it and we had hoped to enclose the top this year, but we have not had the energy so we decided it can wait for another year. Sometimes we wonder if we will ever get our energy back. Fighting cancer feels like the London Blitzkrieg during World War 2 with bombs falling and everything exploding and families are just trying to survive moment by moment. Like this:
London Blitzkrieg, WW2
Recovery from cancer feels like trying to get life back to normal again after bombs have destroyed a city. The battle might be over, but a cancer patient and his family has to rebuild their lives and regain a sort of “normal.” It can feel like this:
Trying to rebuild “normal” lifeA beautiful autumn day
Anyway, EJ and I went to Lowes this morning to buy plastic for the roof of the woodshed. The sun was shining, and the sky was autumn blue, and the trees were touched with color, and the air was crisp. It was a beautiful day for a drive. We talked about Jury Duty and I described to EJ what to expect. I am, after all, very experienced at Jury Selections.
EJ and I always have a lot of fun shopping together. We joke a lot. Often we enjoy deliberately taking things literally. When we were children, we heard about “guerilla warfare” on the news and we both thought there were actual gorillas fighting. They were apparently very intelligent because they knew how to use modern weapons. Anyway, today when I saw EJ put Gorilla Tape in the shopping cart, I said, “You know, I still cannot understand why anyone would want to tape a gorilla.” EJ replied in an ominous voice, “They don’t want to. They have to….” Then I saw something called Frog Tape. “Frog Tape? Why on earth would anyone want to put tape on a frog? Poor things.” I asked. Then we laughed.
EJ had trouble finding the roll of heavy plastic. I said, “Ask someone for help.” EJ said, “No.” “I really think you should ask someone….like that employee over there,” I said. EJ replied, “That employee is busy. And he’s in the Kitchen Department. I can’t ask him for plastic.” I pointed at another one: “How about him?” EJ said, “Can’t you see he is really busy working in the Flooring Department?” “How about one of those two employees walking down the aisle. Ask one of them.” “I can’t,” EJ said, “They are on their break.” One of the employees asked, “Can I help you find something?” EJ explained and we found the plastic and put it in the cart. Then I said, “I have to go to the restroom. Do you know where it is?” EJ said that in the other Lowes store, it’s located halfway down the right side of the store. We went there and there was no restroom. EJ said, “Ask an employee for help.” “I’m not going to ask anyone where the restroom is,” I declared. “There are some employees behind that desk,” EJ pointed. “Ask one of them.” “No,” I said. “Can’t you tell they are busy?” But I was just being silly and I asked and was directed to the middle of the back side of the store. EJ and I have fun in stores.
Round Challah
After we left Lowes, we drove to a grocery store for raw Michigan honey and apples. Last year we bought honey at the farm market in a nearby town, but this year they haven’t set up until after EJ has to be at work so we haven’t been able to get any. We can buy it at a farm market-type store in the city, but we don’t always get over there. A couple of weeks ago we found the raw honey at the local grocery stores. I really need honey and apples because Thursday Rosh Hashanah begins and I want to make little round challah loaves stuffed with apples, raisins, honey, and cinnamon. Also, we need apples to dip in honey.
After we finished shopping, we came home, and I made lunch. After EJ went to work, I took Danny for his walk, studied Hebrew with my friend, made a newly awakened JJ something to eat, washed dishes, and started laundry.
This morning I made EJ one of his favorite breakfasts of scrambled eggs (with some of my garden herbs), homemade toast, a banana, and coffee. Afterwards, I prepared two homemade chicken pot pies. It is my favorite meal–and EJ and JJ love it too. By the end of the day, we had only one pie left.
After I put the pies in the oven, EJ and I went out to the garage and got out the insulated cat house he made last year for the outside cats. We carried the house to the front porch and put a tarp over it and the patio table–to protect both the house and the table from the winter weather. It’s not yet cold or wintry, but it is getting cooler outside and now the cats will be cozy.
When we finished, the pies were baked so EJ and I ate lunch. (JJ didn’t go to bed until 8 a.m. and didn’t wake until 5 p.m. His sleep cycle is messed up again.) After we ate, I walked to the post office to get our mail and also buy some stamps from the friendly Postmaster. The temperature was crisp today, but the sun felt warm so it was a very nice to walk.
I sorted through our mail as I walked home, and I felt a surge of dismay and anxiety when I saw the jury summons. You have to understand: Over the years, I have received numerous Jury Summons in the mail. Now, I understand that serving on a jury is a privilege and a right and a responsibility, and I think that it could maybe be interesting. However, Jury Summons always seem to come at very inconvenient times in my life. For example, the first time I received a summons, I was working, going to college, and it was during finals week. So not a good time. I wrote a letter and got a postponement, but I had to go in a few months later. I went through Jury Selection but was not chosen. (For those who are not familiar with the Jury Selection process, you can read about it here: Michigan Jury Selection.) The next time I was summoned for Jury Duty, the court case was scheduled to begin on Monday–two days after my wedding. I went to Jury Selection a couple of days before my wedding, preparing to throw myself on the mercy of the Court….but fortunately the jurors were selected before getting to me. Then I was summoned when JJ was a toddler and I had no babysitter. I went to the Jury Selection, but fortunately I was not selected. Then I was summoned during a time when I suffered a lot of health problems. The doctor wrote a note and I was excused. I have never had to actually serve as a juror, but you can see that I have been called numerous times.
Whenever I get summoned, I have to drive to a courthouse in the middle of a city that I am not very familiar with. This is a problem because I have a terrible sense of direction and I get lost super easy. So beginning the week before I have to go to the courthouse for the Jury Selection, EJ makes me drive the route several times with him in the car in order to help me become familiar with the route so that maybe I won’t get lost.
Added to this is the fact that I am an Empath who feels the suffering of others to the extent that going to hospitals is an ordeal and I can’t watch violent movies. So having to sit in a courtroom and listen to gory details of a murder case is a problem. Not every case is a murder case, of course, but with my luck it would be the most gruesomest murder case ever. I can imagine (with horror) fainting in the jury box or even vomiting. I wonder if a mistrial would be called if one of the jurors (me) couldn’t endure hearing the details of the case?
Meanwhile, EJ has never, never, never, received a Jury Summons. Not even one. Not in all his life. He thinks it would be interesting to sit in on a case. He doesn’t get lost. He doesn’t faint in hospitals or anything.
So when I saw the envelope with “Jury Summons” written on it, I froze with dismay and anxiety. Then I saw who it was addressed to. It was EJ, not me. I checked again. Still EJ’s name. I felt joy bubbling up. I felt like dancing down the street and shouting “Hallelujah!” (I didn’t.)
When I got home, I announced ceremoniously, “EJ, this is a very important day for you. This is a very momentous occasion. I hereby formally present to you…..” He interrupted: “I got summoned for Jury Duty, didn’t I”
YES!
Not me! Not me! Not me! Not me! Not me! YOU!
Whew!
I’m trying not to gloat too much because, with my luck, if I gloat I will get a summons in the mail tomorrow.
EJ sat down immediately and filled out the jury form and set it in the basket to be mailed.
After he went to work, I joyfully walked Danny, washed out some milk crates that we found in the garage, did some light housework, chatted with a dear friend, and made homemade bread.
EJ was “on call” this weekend, which meant that he didn’t have to go to work unless there was a problem that required his presence. If he is called in, he only has to be there until the problem is fixed and then he can leave. Sunday is almost over and he was not called in so he was able to have a mostly quiet and restful weekend.
It rained both days this weekend, which doesn’t bother us because rainy days are cozy. Yesterday it was quite warm and the weather was stormy. We got a few rumbles of thunder, but the worst of the storms missed us–as they often do.
Yesterday I was doing dishes when I noticed that the late afternoon sunlight was rather yellowish so I went outside to see if there was a rainbow. I found a rainbow, called to EJ and JJ to come see–EJ did but JJ was busy–and then I took pictures 0f it. We live right in town and houses and trees block our view, so I walked down the street to get a clearer view of it but by the time I reached open skies, the rainbow had pretty much faded. I was in such a rush that I didn’t wait for EJ, but he caught up with me and we walked to the other end of town to enjoy an unhindered view of the sunset. (Click on the photos to enlarge them.)
The rainbow from my house
The top of the rainbow. Photo taken at my house.
A final glimpse of the rainbow from the east end of town.
The sunset at the west end of town.
The sunset
Interesting storm clouds
This morning it was rather warm so EJ opened all the windows downstairs. Shortly afterwards, the rain moved in and the temperatures grew cooler so I went and closed all the windows. I debated building a fire in the wood stove, but it was not quite cold enough. The wood stove warms our house so well that a fire would have made it too hot. So I put on a sweater and a blanket and I was fine.
It rained most of the day, sometimes quite hard. At twilight the rain stopped (at least for a while) so EJ, Danny, and I went for a walk to watch the chimney swifts dive into the old school apartments. After the last of the swifts had disappeared, we took Danny for a walk on his regular route. It was quite chilly out–almost too chilly even in our sweatshirts, but it felt good too.
I spent most of last week cleaning and organizing the downstairs. I cleaned out the media closet, which is a small living room closet in the space under the stairs. I filled bags with videos which EJ later donated to Goodwill, along with other items. Some of the videos were favorite movies, but we no longer have a video player so I averted by eyes and put them in the bags.
I saw that the night-time temperatures were getting colder so I brought all the potted plants inside. I positioned them in front of various windows and then I spent several days repositioning them. They are large pots and heavy to lug around, but I have to make sure that plants that need more sunlight are put in places where they will get sunlight and I also have to leave some space for the cats on the wide window sills or they will lie on the plants. I had to put rocks in some pots to discourage the cats from lying in them. I also have to find the perfect place for my spider plant because for some reason the cats especially like to lie on it. Every autumn I bring a gorgeous spider plant inside and every spring I take a pathetic crushed spider plant outside on the porch to recover from cats. Some years I put the plant upstairs where the cats couldn’t get to it, but then I forget about it and it starts to slowly die of thirst. Last year I was able to put the plant in a place downstairs where the cats mostly left it alone. This year I brought in a peppermint plant, but I had to take it back outside because the cats were eating it. I think it’s related to catnip. If I remember, I will plant it in the yard before it gets too cold and hope it survives the winter. Mint plants seem to be very hardy. I only wanted it inside so I could have fresh mint instead of dried.
Little by little I unloaded the tenth and last load of firewood from the truck. I stacked most of it in the woodshed but also brought some into the house. EJ laughed at me that I was hinting for a fire, but although I love the wood stove, I really brought it inside because I couldn’t see unloading it from the truck and stacking it in the woodshed when I’ll just have to bring some in the house soon anyway. I figured I’d save me a step. The temperature has dropped into the 40s at night and a few nights it dipped into the 30s. Mostly our house has stayed very warm, but on the coldest night we did build a fire in the wood stove.
Late last week EJ came home sick from work. He is feeling better now, but JJ and I have been sniffling and sneezing a bit. I don’t feel too bad, but JJ seems to be feeling slightly worse.
Today I was uploading some pictures from my camera to the computer. I have my pictures divided into files and organized by year. I thought I had deleted all my pictures from 2014. I couldn’t find them anywhere. I was felt terrible, feeling as if I had lost the memories of the year. But them I found them. Whew. I immediately copied all the pictures into a cloud drive thing. At least, I think I did. I don’t really know how it all works.
When JJ was in the hospital last April, my friend had a bouquet of balloons tied to a little black and white stuffed cat toy. A few days ago, our black and white cat, Timmy, lay next to the stuffed toy. I thought it was so cute that I took a picture of them. (That is one of the pictures I had loaded off my camera.)
Timmy and his toy “twin.”
A couple of days ago both EJ and I spotted a leaf filled with rain or dew in the grass at the edge of the driveway. We thought it was so interesting that I took a picture:
A leaf filled with rain or dew.
Isn’t it cool?
Update: EJ said it was dew in the leaf and not rain. It sparkled in the sunlight so it caught our attention.
Sunday morning EJ and I bought our tenth load of firewood. We considered–briefly–buying another load, but decided we were too, too tired. We parked the truck–with the wood still in it–and went grocery shopping. On the way to the grocery store, we passed a barn that had been destroyed by the storm. It had debris scattered along the road for quite some ways. I could only take this quick picture as we drove past because there was a car behind us. This barn was only a few miles from our house. I am so glad these destructive storm totally missed us! On our way home from shopping we drove through the damaged town. There were downed trees and branches all over, some of them were quite large. Here is a picture of taken at park in the town:
Storm damage Photo by Helen R. BroomI reorganized our pantry.
Yesterday we began cleaning out and organizing the kitchen food cupboards. We discarded food that got pushed to the back of the shelves and is now too old. We sorted food that we will donate to a food pantry because we have changed some of our food habits in recent years) or which was too old. I found new containers for some food–like dry beans and herbs–and I made sure everything was labeled. I rearranged everything so foods we use more often are at eye level.
The weather reports warned that we could have severe storms today with dangerous hail, damaging wind, and a possibility of tornadoes. There was talk that it could be even worse than the storms on Friday. Instead, we had non-threatening rain all day. I’m glad. I don’t want to have to deal with power outages or storm damage.
The rainy day made it a good time to continue reorganize. I mostly finished the pantry today. Then I cleaned out the fridge, which involved getting rid of old food and washing all the shelves. I also got a good start cleaning out the media closet, which is a small closet in the living room located in the empty space under the stairs. It’s rather small and cramped, but has been great for storing out videos and DVDs. Since we no longer have a video-player, I dragged out all the videos and put them in bags to donate. I kept the DVDs. I also will sort through the homeschool stuff, which we no longer need and the organize the closet the way that I want.
There is something about autumn that makes me feel like organizing. I only spontaneously decided to organize the pantry and it has spread to the refrigerator, living room, media closet. Who knows where it will end?
But right now I am tired and my feet hurt. I will spend the rest of the evening resting.
My family really enjoys weather-watching. We love to watch storms approaching on radar. Many, many times, we watch a huge storm comes straight towards us on radar but then it splits north and south and our village slides through the tiny gap between. Either that or the storm dies before it reaches us. It might be the geology of the land or influence of the lakes or something that causes storms to avoid us.
Featureless gray sky with a couple of clouds
EJ and I didn’t think yesterday’s storm was as severe as predicted. When we sat on the front porch as the storm passed over us, the sky was mostly a featureless gray color. Only occasionally did we see a distinct cloud or two float by. We had a little bit of wind, a little bit of rain, and a few lightning bolts lace across the sky. EJ said that if we had paid for this storm, he’d want his money returned.
Last night’s storm clouds in a city about 30 miles from us were much more dramatic.
However, nearby towns were not so fortunate. The town where EJ works, which is just ten miles away, was hit particularly hard. Last night, I read comments on Facebook that the town looked like a war zone with trees and power lines down everywhere. A local news article said that there were 60 mile an hour winds, torrential rain, and a lot of lightning. The city manager said this is the biggest storm to ever hit the city. “The big problem we have right now is with social media, everyone’s aware of the damage and everyone’s out driving around town,” he said last night. “What I’ve witnessed tonight is fire trucks, emergency response vehicles and our electric vehicles stuck in traffic jams trying to get to the areas that need to work.”
Wow.
I’m glad this storm missed us.
Today we had a quiet, relaxing day, filled with study and interesting discussions. One of our discussions occurred while we were sitting at the kitchen table. Our cat Kee-Kee came up to me and gently pawed at me to indicate that he wanted some loving attention. “With the way the cats interact with you,” EJ mused, “You’d have been considered a witch in previous centuries.”
That started a conversation about how INFJ Personality types would have been perceived in the past. INFJs tend to love animals, nature and gardening. We are introverts. We think differently and more profoundly than others. “We are natural nurturers; patient, devoted and protective. We tend to be observers and listeners, we deeply understand people, we are concerned for people’s feelings, and we try to be gentle to avoid hurting anyone. For this reason, wounded people often come to us for love, acceptance, and advice. We are more skilled than most at accurately discerning what is happening in a given situation and we have uncanny insight into people and situations so we are often seen as mystical seers.”
INFJ
So imagine a gentle “odd” woman in the 1600’s who thinks differently than others. She is an introvert who loves privacy so she has a little cottage at the edge of a forest away from others. She has a garden in which she raises herbs and she also goes into the forest to search for medicinal plants.
INFJ
Since INFJs are natural nurturers, protectors, and Empaths who can’t bear to see anything suffering, I imagine she’d bring home injured wildlife to heal and she’d adopt stray cats and dogs, who’d respond to her gentle love. Villagers would also come to her for herbs and advice and find her insights perceptive and uncanny. That fits the old description of a witch. I’m sure that when times got difficult and people were looking for someone to use as a scapegoat, they’d accuse the INFJ of being a witch. I wonder how many were burned at the stake because they were who they were?
EJ said that in other periods of time, INFJs would have been perceived differently. I think it’s interesting to look at history through different eyes. I began searching to Internet to look up “famous INFJs.” I found several lists. Here is a shorter list from INFJ Anonymous. There are longer lists out there.
EJ and I left the house at 10:30 a.m. to get more firewood. First we drove to the gas station to put gas in the truck. I said to EJ, “I understand how a person gets their physical characteristics from their parents, but where does a person’s personality come from?” I mean, I know that we are formed by God, but did He make a sort of DNA that forms personality, or does He attach a personality to us when we are conceived, or what? That started a discussion in which EJ mentioned that Norwegians brightly decorate common items which they use. They feel that as an item wears out, it becomes more beautiful. And the Japanese have a beautiful centuries old art form called Kintsugi in which they repair broken pottery with seams of gold. This made us think of tikkun olam which is a Hebrew phrase that means “repairing the world” (or “healing the world”) which suggests humanity’s shared responsibility to heal, repair and transform the world. We have discussions like this all the time.
Driving to get more wood
After the gas station, we drove the 2 miles (or less) route to get more firewood. We figured we could get a couple of loads of wood before the storms forecasted for this afternoon reached us.
It was a beautiful morning. But hot. And humid. And very hot. The temperature reached about 90 degrees. After we had unloaded and stacked each load, we’d go into the house to cool down. After we had two loads in the woodshed, but we decided to go get a third load. This last load was the worse because we were really tired, hot, sweaty, and dirty. I kept going by telling myself, “We are almost done and then we can enjoy a day of Shabbat rest!” On Sunday we will get one…and maybe two more face-cords of firewood. But tomorrow we rest. We worked so hard because it is satisfying to know that we have almost a winter’s supply of wood in our shed. We won’t have to worry about running out or stacking wood in the cold. This is the earliest we have ever gotten all our wood for winter. We discussed that maybe EJ should take a week off work at this time every year so we can get all the wood we need.
Anyway, when I saw that EJ was getting the last armful of wood from the truck to the shed, I almost ran inside to the bathroom, shed my wet dirty clothes, and took a shower. When I looked in the mirror, my face was red with heat and exertion. As soon as I was done with my shower, EJ took his shower. He was as soaked, dirty, and tired as I was.
The Farmer’s Market
We wanted to rest, but EJ needed to go to the pharmacy to pick up a couple prescriptions, so as soon as we were clean and had cooled off a little, we drove to the store in the next town. We could see dark clouds piling up and we wanted to get there and back again before the storms hit. We saw that the Farmer’s Market was set up in the hospital parking lot. We are all out of honey, so we turned left instead of right and bought some raw honey from a vendor. The woman who sold us the honey said that it’s from their own bees. EJ bought some maple syrup from another vendor. We hadn’t seen the market all summer, but I was told today that this year the vendors don’t set up their tables until around 2:30, which is when EJ drives in to work.
Then we went on to the store. In the entry way, we met friends we hadn’t seen in quite a while and we stopped and chatted with them for a while. Then EJ got his prescriptions and a few other items and we headed home. We made a quick supper and then I washed the dishes.
We had just begun to settle down for a quiet evening when the storms hit. There had been warnings that there would be large hail, high winds, and possible tornadoes, but we just got rain, a bit of wind for a short time, and some lightning and thunder. The clouds were simply gray rather than dramatic. It wasn’t that bad of a storm for us, though we heard later that nearby areas were hit hard with a lot of power lines and trees down. Police were warning people in those areas to stay off the roads. The conditions in those nearby towns is probably why our power flickered and then went out.
With no electricity, EJ and I sat on the porch for a while oohing and aahing over occasional flashes of lightning. When it was no longer thundering, we went for a walk through our darkened town, occasionally meeting and chatting with neighbors and petting their dogs. (We always pet their dogs.) We were told that several towns and thousands of people were without power and that there was no timeline for when it would be restored.
When we got home again, Luke leaped onto my shoulders. I have learned that a black cat leaping through a dark, powerless house onto my shoulders is really quite scary.
We talked. We ate ice cream–you know, so it wouldn’t melt if it took a long time for the power to be restored. I lit some candles and read by lantern light. EJ got his battery operated radio from the basement and listened to it. JJ read a book on his Tablet. We kept our computers off in case we were without power for a long time. I took a couple of pictures, but then my camera started flashing “low battery.” So did my phone.
The power came on at about 10 p.m.; it was off for about three hours.
I slept well last night. Duh. I was exhausted. When I got up this morning, first thing I did was check the weather radar. A HUGE amount of rain was headed our way. I thought, well, it looks like we aren’t going to be getting much firewood today. So I washed dishes (I was too tired yesterday), paid the bills, took out the garbage, and sorted the dirty clothes so I could wash the laundry when JJ woke up and brought down his dirty clothes downstairs.
EJ woke up and we ate breakfast. We checked the radar and thought we’d probably have enough time to get a load of wood before the rain hit. After we loaded the wood into the pickup, brought it home, and stacked it in the woodshed, we came back inside to cool off (and drink tea in front of the fan). I checked the radar again. The storm kept approaching and then retreating. We decided to get another load. We brought it home and stacked it in the woodshed.
JJ had been wanting to get another pair or two of jeans, so we drove him to the Hospice store in a nearby town. The local Hospice operates the thrift shop to raise money for its organization. I found a pair of jeans for me and a t-shirt. JJ found only one pair of jeans for himself. We bought a few used books and a couple other things. I told JJ we could also go to Goodwill if he wanted more jeans, but he said one pair was adequate and he wanted to go home.
When we got home, EJ and I went back to buy third load of wood. We unloaded it and stacked it, and then staggered into the house. We were tired, but I was not as tired as yesterday when I had had very little sleep. We now have six face-cords of firewood. Only four more left to get
We never did get any rain today. There is a chance of storms predicted for tomorrow, but we are planning to get two or three more loads if it doesn’t rain too much, and maybe another one or two on Sunday. We are working hard to get all our winter’s supply of wood this week while EJ has vacation days. We are working so hard that I think that if I have not sweated and worked myself down a size in clothes this week than life is totally unfair. 😉
EJ took a shower while I made supper. After we ate, I washed dishes, took a shower, and then got more laundry going. Then we sat down and watched a couple Firefly episodes on Netflix while I folded clean clothes.
Poor Danny didn’t get his walk today, but he didn’t really complain too much.
I had trouble sleeping last night. I think I finally fell asleep at around 4 a.m. I woke up at 7 a.m. something, and then only dozed for a bit more. Our sleep cycles are still not back to normal. A few days ago, EJ was staying up until 6 a.m. And poor JJ worked so hard at getting his sleep patterns fixed. He finally was sleeping at night and getting up in the morning, but the last couple of days he’s back to staying up most of the night and sleeping until early afternoon.
Although I only had a few hours of sleep, today was very busy. Actually, I think the busyness helped me stay awake.
Filling the truck with firewood.
Today EJ and I bought more firewood. Each trip involves loading up the pickup, driving home, and then unloading and stacking the wood in the woodshed. I’m always amazed that it never seems like all that much wood when it’s stacked at the farmer’s yard, but it completely fills up the back of the pickup truck. It always seems like a lot when we are unloading and stacking it at home. I was tired and sweaty when we were finished. I went in the house, poured a glass of iced tea, and sat in front of the fan until I cooled off.
Once I was cooled off, I suggested that we order take-out at the local diner. I called the order in and then EJ and I walked to the post office for our mail, and then to the diner to pick up our food.
Northern Leopard Frog
When we had eaten, I went out and mowed the lawn. Today seemed the best day to get it done. With all the rain we’ve had, the grass had grown quickly. We have spotted several beautiful Northern Leopard Frogs in our yard so I kept an my eyes open so I wouldn’t inadvertently run over any with the mower. I did come across one, and I nudged it with my foot until he leaped to safety. The lawn looked really nice when I finished. However, I was hot and sweaty so I went inside, poured a glass of iced tea, and sat in front of the fan until I cooled off.
After a bit, EJ and I went back to get another face-cord of wood. We loaded the truck and drove home. On the way home, EJ noticed a grasshopper holding on to the hood of the truck. When we got home, he was still there, so EJ nudged him until he leaped off. We unloaded the truck and stacked the wood in the woodshed. I was very tired. My arms felt like lead. I felt like I moved very slowly. However, it’s really nice to see the wood stacking up in the woodshed. We now have three face-cords. We need at least seven more. When we finished stacking the wood, I was hot, sweaty, and very tired. I went inside, poured a glass of iced tea, and sat in front of the fan until I cooled off.
Several times through the day, Danny looked at me with anticipation, hoping for his walk, but I always said “Not now” because I busy with the firewood or lawn. After I had cooled off from unloading the second load of wood, I took Danny for his walk. By this time it was around 7 p.m. I was exhausted, but the evening was very beautiful and quiet, and I really enjoyed the walk.
I am now collapsed on the couch, too tired to move.
It’s going to get colder soon.
We heard that the weather is supposed to turn cold next week. It might even frost. EJ and I are hoping to get as much firewood that we can this week. Tomorrow we are going to try to get at least two more face cords of wood–and maybe three.
Monday afternoon we had storms. There wasn’t a lot of lightning and thunder, but the wind was strong and it rained and rained and rained. It rained sideways, and waves of water ran down the street, and the sides of the street flooded a little bit. It didn’t flood like other nearby towns, but even the little bit seemed like a lot because usually we don’t get any flooding at all. I went on the porch and took a video of the rain. I’m sure you are not surprised.
When the rain stopped, EJ and I took Danny for a walk. The world was soggy. At the end of our walk, when we were in front of our house, EJ pointed to a hollow knot in our maple tree a few feet above our heads. There was a tree toad in it. It was cute so we took a picture of him. You can just barely see him in the bottom left of the hole.
The Toad in the Tree
This morning EJ and I drove to our friends to retrieve the truck. It used to be ours, and then it was our friend’s, and now the friend is selling it back to us. EJ stayed to visit with his friend while I drove the car back home. After I ate lunch, I cleaned out the car, took out the garbage, and swept the floor. Then I took Danny for his walk. We went for a slightly longer than usual walk–out to the Village limits and back. I’d like us all to work towards walking a mile out of town and a mile back so we can get more exercise.
A face cord of wood.
Eventually, EJ returned home. He ate and then we drove to buy a face cord of firewood. For those who don’t know, a full cord of wood is a stack of wood four feet high, eight feet long, and eight feet wide. A face cord is a stack of wood four feet high, eight feet long, and only 16 inches deep (one piece of firewood deep). Where we live, people cut trees down on their land, saw pieces into 16-inch lengths, and stack it in racks near the road for people like us to buy. We have a couple of places we buy wood from. This picture is from last year, but this is the same place we bought wood today. The man was selling black walnut today, which EJ says is very good firewood. We need at least 10 face cords of wood to heat our house over the winter.
EJ and I loaded the wood into the truck, drove it home, and then unloaded the truck and stacked the wood in the woodshed. It felt good to work so hard. One down, and least 9 more loads to go.
At sunset this evening I was doing dishes when I noticed the chimney swifts circling. At sunset during this time of year, thousands of chimney swifts circle round and round an old school on the other corner of our block that was turned into an apartment building. A sweet 90+ year old lady that I used to go to church with attended the school when she was a child so the building is very old. She was a widow and a few years ago she married her childhood sweetheart, who also had attended the school. We attended the wedding. It was so sweet. I’m not sure just when the old school was turned into apartments–but it was long before we moved here. Anyway….each time the swifts circle around the building, some drop into the chimney until finally they are all inside. It’s really cool to watch. The first time I saw them, years ago, JJ and I thought they were bats. Each year we like to walk down the street at sunset to watch them. EJ and I walked down this evening so that I could video the sight. By the time we got to the building, many of the swifts had already dived into the chimney but there were still thousands flying around.
Thank you, my readers, for indulging my “thinking” posts. Now that I have poured out those thoughts, I can get back to writing my regular types of posts.
It is now September! Yay! I can’t wait for cooler temperatures and brightly colored leaves! I have a couple of friends who live in Australia where seasons are “backwards.” That twists my mind a bit. When I begin sharing pictures of colorful Autumn leaves, they are sharing pictures of beautiful Spring blossoms. While June, July, and August mean HOT to me, it means COLD to them. While I am shivering in December, January, and February, they are going to the beach. Also, they are ahead of us in time so that when I am saying “good night” at the close of one day, they are saying “good morning” to the beginning of the next morning. The world is an interesting place.
After two weeks putting it off because it was either too rainy or two hot and humid, I finally got the lawn mowed last week. The grass was longer than I usually let it get so it was a bit of a chore, made even more difficult in places where the mower sank into mole tunnels. However, I got the lawn mowed and it looks nice.
EJ has been walking with Danny and me every day–ever since the doctor told him he really should. Last week JJ decided to try to walk with us every day too. It’s really nice to have my guys walk with Danny and me. We chat about this or that as we walk along, as people do. Sometimes one or the other of them chooses not to, but mostly everyone has been faithful to go on our daily walk. When it’s just me and JJ, he talks about his cancer and recovery, and his frustration about wanting to get back to “normal” life, and yet he doesn’t feel up to it. I have always felt the “in-between time,” when a person is recovering from an illness but not totally back to full health and strength, to be a very difficult time.
These are what the flowers look like.
On our daily walk, we always pass an empty lot where a trailer was torn down earlier in the summer. There are orange dandelion-type flowers growing there. We thought they were Indian Paintbrushes, but I looked it up and they look more like Hawkweed. I think they are beautiful. I asked EJ to retrieve some of the seeds for me so maybe I can plant them in my garden. He took a very small handful, which he says is enough but I say isn’t. I always threaten to “steal” a few more seeds, and he always exclaims “You can’t do that!” Sheesh, it’s not like I’m going to dig up the plants or anything, I say. I just want to get a sandwich bag full of seeds. I’m not robbing someone’s prized garden flowers, I am taking the seeds of weeds that will get mowed down. But I always forget to get the seeds or I let EJ talk me out of it, so it’s merely a fun “argument.” So far, that is. I laugh that my guys get so appalled that I would consider getting a few more seeds.
There seems to be an overabundance of grasshoppers this year. Or maybe they are locusts. I think it was last year that I researched the difference between the two, and discovered that, basically, “locust” is a stage in the life cycle of some grasshoppers. DifferenceBetween.com says
“The difference between these two is primarily based on the behaviour of swarming and the presence of hopper bands. In addition, the population dynamics are directly involved with a particular grasshopper species being a locust species. The stage of the life cycle, abundance of food, number of individuals in the population, behavioural ecology, and morphological indications are the main factors that should be aware of in order to identify a certain grasshopper species as a locust species.”
Grasshoppers!
I think that is interesting. As we walk, many grasshoppers (or locusts) hop, hop, hop out of our way so that they resemble popcorn popping in a pan. Yesterday a large grasshopper hopped onto Danny and clung to his side. EJ gently removed it, assuming it would hop away as soon as he brushed against it. Instead, it clung to his hand. He shook his hand, and it kept clinging. He shook his hand again and still it hung on. EJ had the worst time trying to get it to fly away. I just stood there and watched him and laughed. After the ‘hopper finally flew off, EJ said, “Well, that didn’t go the way I expected.”
When I go to my herb garden to pick herbs, the grasshoppers always fly every-which-way and I shudder at the thought of returning to the house covered from head to foot in clinging grasshoppers. Maybe that wouldn’t happen, but you never know.
Today is Labor Day, a national holiday in the USA. Usually on this day people have cookouts or one last little vacation before the school year starts. Yesterday EJ said that if we were wanting anything from the store, we better get it that day because a lot of businesses and stores are closed on Labor Day. We discussed how we were going to spend our Day. On the one hand, the idea of doing something “fun” is appealing. On the other hand, the actual preparation and traveling feels too tiring. I keep telling myself that one day we will all have our energy back. Since storms are in the forecast–some could be severe–doing anything outdoors is not really a good idea. Although we could do it BEFORE the storms hit, but….meh. We decided to take a trip to the grocery store and get a few things–like jugs of water and pet food and picnic type food that we will eat at home while we watch storms. We always have fun going to the store together because we discuss what to buy or not buy and crack jokes. We are simple folk who are easily entertained. 🙂 We bought a watermelon, potatoes for potato salad, and maybe I will make a zucchini pie from the zucchinis our neighbor gave me the other day. He said they have lots of zucchini growing in their garden and have been having lots of meals and desserts made of zucchinis so he can spare some. I suggested to EJ that we should plant zucchini next year.
We thought EJ had used all his vacation days so he could be with us while JJ was undergoing Chemo and surgery. However, he discovered a month or two ago that he still had a week of vacation days left, so he took this week off. He is hoping to get some projects done this week in preparation for winter. I’m not sure how many outdoor projects he will be able to complete: Some forecasts predict rain just about every day this week while others predict rain on only a couple of days.
Maybe, if it storms, we can leap in the car and go stormchasing and get some cool pictures. We don’t go if the weather is dangerous, but JJ and I have fun driving through the storms. JJ enjoys while I take pictures of dramatic clouds. However, we have only one car right now and when EJ is at work, we are grounded. However, EJ is home this week….
Here are a few pictures of JJ and me stormchasing in June 2013:
I had to write my previous post before I could write this one because the first is the foundation of the second. The frustrations of being an introvert in an extroverted world, of having my personality traits seen as flaws instead of unique differences, led to pondering how often people use unfair comparisons. I think this is a tendency that comes naturally to everyone.
I first began to really observe this in conflict situations, specifically when the anger was directed against me….
Superman and Clark Kent
<< And now I am getting stuck writing my thoughts about this, so I will pause and explain that my INFJ and HSP traits cause me to hate to cause pain to others and to be very negatively affected by conflict–so I will avoid conflict when possible. However, I hate it when people assume I’m spineless. My strong sense of protectiveness, justice, and personal values cause me to refuse to give in to what I believe is wrong so when a battle is important to me, I will engage. Even as a child, I have stood up to bullies who tormented friends and I have refused to give into abusive pressure to think, believe, or act against what I believe is right or true. I do see my faults and failures (usually) and I will acknowledge when I am wrong, but there is a point at which I make a stand. Maybe I am somewhat like Clark Kent who is very mild-mannered until there is injustice to battle? >>
Anyway, I watched a transformation occur in the eyes of family who once praised me but then became angry with me when I refused to give in to demands that I couldn’t fulfill and which I felt were wrong. I saw myself transformed from “Caring One” who was praiseworthy to a horrible monster who couldn’t do anything right. I often heard “I did this and this and this good thing for you….and you failed in this and this and this way.” I deeply love my family, but I never could reconcile with them, despite years of trying, because there was no room for compromise or differences, it was all “Do what we say or feel our wrath.” They felt “the burden of reconciliation rested entirely” on me because I was the one who was terrible. Yet, they were unwilling to recognize any good in me. When I heard “All your efforts to reconcile are a mere ‘drop in a teacup’ and I will never forgive you no matter what you do….” I knew there was no mending the relationship.
For a while I really struggled with whether I was as monstrous as I was told, but then I began to ponder that it really wasn’t a fair comparison if Person A compares his strengths and good actions against Person B’s weaknesses and failures (or perceived failures–because sometimes the “wrong” is perceived as a wrong but really isn’t) because then, OF COURSE, Person A will look like an angel and Person B will look like a monster. It’s not a fair comparison. To be truly equitable, a person would need to compare strengths to strengths or failures to failures. In that case, it is probable that Person B wouldn’t appear as bad as Person A believed, or that Person A would not be as blameless as she believed she was. At that point, where both Persons A and B could see each other’s weaknesses AND strengths, reconciliation would be possible. Reconciliation is impossible if one (or both) sees the other as without good and beyond forgiveness while he believes he, himself, is without fault and with no need for repentance. I think a person has to remove any hint of goodness from the other person or group so he can feel justified in continuing to hate him.
Although I had never denied the good things my family has done for me, I struggled for a while with acknowledging it. I think that the process of forgiveness is much like the grief process, in which there is 1. Shock and Denial, 2. Pain and Guilt, 3. Anger and Bargaining, 4. Depression, Reflection, and Loneliness, 5. The Upward Turn, 6. Reconstruction and Working Through, and 7. Acceptance and Hope. I don’t believe there is an easy shortcut through these stages, especially when the wrong is great and the damage is severe. However, I have been able to reach a point in which, even though the relationships are “irreconcilable,” I can say, “You meant to do me harm, but God meant it for good” and to acknowledge the good they have done and to cherish the many good memories I have. I have learned a tremendous amount about forgiveness, repentance, reconciliation, and many other things including an understanding of the fact that if we are going to compare ourselves to others, we must use a fair measure.
And this leads to the next observation: that people tend to use themselves as the standard that others ought to conform to. People tend to value their own strengths while feeling contempt towards those who don’t share those strengths. For example, if a person is outspoken, he might not value those who are quieter. If a person is physically strong, he might feel contempt for those who are physically weaker. A person who is intellectual might feel superior to those who are not as intellectual. And so on. The list of comparisons is unending.
Drawing by Stephen Wiltshire
What is not understood is that while a person might not have the strength that Person A has, she is likely stronger in areas in which he is weak. Yes, she might not be outspoken, but she might be more patient and compassionate toward others. One person might not be as good at inspiring and motivating large crowds, but he might be more gifted at mentoring and encouraging suffering individuals. Person B might not be as athletic as Person A, but he might have a more brilliant mind. And a person might not have the intelligence that a scholar has, but he might have an amazing one-of-a-kind gift, like Stephen Wiltshire, an autistic savant who can draw beautiful detailed cityscapes from memory.
The Animal School
There is a wonderful fable about animals who organized a school for their children. They decided that the children would all take the same curriculum which involved running, climbing, swimming, and flying. Of course, the duck, rabbit, eagle, and fish were all excellent in things that played to their natural abilities, but failed at classes requiring abilities they did not have. To expect them to all excel in every area was unrealistic. To see them as failures because they could not compete in areas they were weak in is also unrealistic.
In other words, rather than criticize people for not having our strengths, understand that each has their own strengths. Celebrate the differences rather than criticize them.
Although I have written about the frustrations of an introvert in an extrovert world, I was focusing on only one small matter. The truth is that I feel that the gifts of both introverts and extroverts are valuable and essential in this world. If everyone had the same strengths, they’d also have the same weaknesses. It would be like having a football team filled with quarterbacks. A good team has people of many different talents to fill many different positions. The quarterback wouldn’t be effective if he didn’t have his offensive line to protect him. Yellow might be my favorite color, but a picture wouldn’t be as beautiful without the colors of the other crayons in the box. I have strengths that EJ doesn’t have. He has strengths that I don’t have. We are stronger together because his strengths fill in where I am weak and my strengths fill in with he is weak. As the Bible describes it:
For I am telling every single one of you, through the grace that has been given to me, not to have exaggerated ideas about your own importance. Instead, develop a sober estimate of yourself based on the standard which God has given to each of you, namely, trust. For just as there are many parts that compose one body, but the parts don’t all have the same function; so there are many of us, and in union with the Messiah we comprise one body, with each of us belonging to the others. But we have gifts that differ and which are meant to be used according to the grace that has been given to us. (Romans 12:3-6,)
…For indeed the body is not one part but many. If the foot says, “I’m not a hand, so I’m not part of the body,” that doesn’t make it stop being part of the body. And if the ear says, “I’m not an eye, so I’m not part of the body,” that doesn’t make it stop being part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, how could it hear? If it were all hearing, how could it smell? But as it is, God arranged each of the parts in the body exactly as he wanted them. Now if they were all just one part, where would the body be? But as it is, there are indeed many parts, yet just one body. So the eye cannot say to the hand, “I don’t need you”; or the head to the feet, “I don’t need you.” On the contrary, the parts of the body that seem to be less important turn out to be all the more necessary… (1 Corinthianns 12:14-22)
In addition, I believe that our greatest strengths can also be our greatest weaknesses. Or, as Detective Monk often said about his unique talent in the television series, “It is a blessing…and a curse.” I’ve seen people with tremendous gifts use them graciously to strengthen and encourage others. I’ve also seen people misuse their gifts in ways that destroyed others. For example, a person gifted with generosity can tremendously bless the needy…or she could become prey to every con artist with a sob story to the detriment of her own family or those in real need. A person gifted with organizational skill can do tremendous good in a community…or he can become a domineering control freak. Being able to boldly and graciously confront wrong can change many lives for good….or a person can become a critical and self-righteous person who destroys those who displease her. Compassion is a beautiful gift…but it can easily be used to enable others in their dysfunctions. The key is to learn to live in balance, wisely using our gifts and abilities to truly help others rather than to destroy them.
A final observation is that people tend to believe that there can be only one right perspective–their own. But that’s not true. I believe that there is absolute truth, good and evil, ethical and unethical, etc. However, there is a difference between a true right and wrong and a personal believe or perspective. For example, 2 + 5 = 7 is always true and any other answer is not true. However, the fact that yellow is my favorite color doesn’t mean you are wrong if blue is your favorite color.
Mike Rowe and Freddy
I have seen this difference of perspectively recently regarding the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge that is sweeping the world. I dislike such challenges because they feel manipulative to me. I have compassion toward those who suffer from various diseases, but I have limited funds and I’d rather give to people or causes that are important to me….without a lot of drama. (This actually corresponds to another INFJ trait that I read about: “INFJ may be asked by a friend or relative to donate to a cause they don’t believe in. This puts them in the difficult position of deciding between honoring their own perspectives or maintaining the harmony of the relationship.”) I also watch people leaping to participate in fads that periodically sweep the world with bemused amazement. However, I honestly don’t feel people who participate in the Ice Bucket Challenge are inferior or wrong. Many are giving because they feel deeply touched by those who suffer from ALS. One friend who said she would not want to participate in the Ice Bucket Challenge actually researched ALS and felt great compassion for their suffering. She might choose to give without the Challenge. I did not look up information about ALS, but I do usually research diseases that friends are suffering so I can understand what they are going through. Other friends are concerned that the donations from the Challenge are given to an organization that uses stem cells, which they believe is morally wrong. Some participate in the Challenge but give to an ALS organization that doesn’t use stem cells. Finally Mike Rowe (who hosted Dirty Jobs) offered his response to the Challenge on his FB page. You can read it here. I thought he was thoughtful and gracious. All these perspectives are different, at least in part, from each other. Which one is the correct one? Does one “right” perspective make all the others untrue? I actually thought that the responses of all the people were thoughtful and caring and all of them had validity. Each person highlighted slightly different perspectives about the Challenged and I was thankful that they gave me different eyes to look through and to consider.
So this is–more or less–what I have been pondering this summer and for many years. To sum it all up, the moral of my post is:
Let the fish swim. Let the rabbits run. Let the eagles fly. Play to people’s strengths.
Look through others’ eyes.
Celebrate the differences.
Everything is beautiful, but not everyone sees it.
I am almost never bored because I think that even the most common things are interesting to me. I think stories about every day life are fascinating because they give glimpses into how people live. I also am grateful to those who write stories or diaries about their lives because they give future generations a glimpse into how life used to be. I have a treasured memory of EJ and me visiting an older couple from our church–years ago, before JJ was born. We sat on the large wraparound porch sipping lemonade on a hot summer day as the elderly man described how, back when he was young, his family would have to stop to patch the tires on their car every few miles on their way to town because, back then, tires weren’t so good and “blew” easily. How interesting! Family stories are how we pass history down to future generations.
My mind is always thinking
I enjoy writing about my own every day life but while I do my routine tasks, I am always thinking, thinking, thinking on deep levels. I rarely find routine tasks boring because the more routine the task, the more attention I can give to my thoughts. Thinking is sort of the background music to my life. I do not often write about my deep thoughts because I find it difficult to put into words the thoughts that I am thinking. In fact, this is the third day that I have tried to describe thoughts I have been thinking about all summer. After writing for several hours each day, I have given up in frustration, thinking “I can’t explain my thoughts! Who cares what I think and what does it matter anyway?”
The problem is that sometimes thoughts fill up in my head and if I don’t pour them out in writing, I can’t sleep. Grrrr. I once told JJ that the only way a person has to share who he/she is with another is through communication–whether spoken, written, art, etc.–and if he can’t communicate then it’s as if “Who He Is” is locked in solitary confinement. Sometimes that is how it feels when I am filled with thoughts that I cannot express: Locked in a prison with no ability to communicate Who I Am. Well, maybe sometimes I have a sort of morse code, but a simple tap-tap-tapping is entirely inadequate to express complex thoughts.
INFJ Personality
I have been thinking a lot this summer about personality traits and introverts/extroverts. I took the Myers-Briggs Personality Test to learn my personality type and I found it to be very helpful to me. In our society extroverts are valued while introverts are often considered to be broken, flawed, deficient, inept–so it’s easy for an introvert to feel there is something wrong with her. Articles that affirm that we aren’t broken extroverts, we are unique people with amazing gifts, are refreshing, healing, and empowering. According to the Myers-Briggs Test, there are 16 different types of personalities. I learned that I am an INFJ, which is a rare introverted type that only 1-2% of the population has. I (and EJ) am also a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP). Lights, noises, smells, etc., all get absorbed, processed and evaluated by HSPs. Unfortunately when there’s too much activity and noise around them, they can’t handle it for a great length of time. Emotionally, they are affected by much of the disharmony in the world. They feel another person’s heartache, they are aware of low levels of anger or resentment in a room, they are greatly affected by conflict, they empathize with other people’s problems, and they feel great sorrow over horrific tragedies.
There is a lot to think about
People with INFJ traits are very deep thinkers who perceive the world differently and more profoundly than others. (No, we do NOT think too much, it’s how our brains are wired.) According to various websites, we take in tons of information through our senses, and we are sensitive to patterns and similarities, quickly seeing connections among disparate pieces of data. By seeing how everything is connected and interrelated, we are capable of discerning universal laws and structures. We constantly work to process and synthesize incoming data, like assembling pieces of a puzzle. (I have often said to EJ that I turn thoughts this way and that, trying to make sense of them and fit them together similar to trying to solve a Rubic’s Cube.) Eventually, we construct an impression or vision of what is happening. We also have the ability to read emotional expressions and body language.
We have uncanny insight.
Because of the way we connect, process information and read people, we are more skilled than most at accurately discerning what is happening in a given situation and we have uncanny insight into people and situations. We are usually considered to be very wise, insightful, and accurate in our assessments. In many cases, we do not fully understand the nature of an insight until we are given the opportunity to verbalize it. (You should hear how many thoughts that I pour out to my EJ!! And often I have to write things out to understand them.) We may have a hunch or a gut feeling, but the content of the intuition can remain somewhat nebulous until it is expressed.
Everything is connected in my mind
All this describes why I need to express my thoughts and also why I sometimes find it difficult. I see many connections between many different things and I consider many different perspectives. The more complex the subject, the more connections and perspectives I see. Sometimes I see so many connections and interconnections, so many trails of thought branching off into others which branch off into others, and so many differing perspectives that a topic can become too immense, too complicated, too impossible to write about. It can be uncomfortable to be filled with thoughts but be unable to pour them out.
I feel more comfortable writing than speaking. I hate to be put on the spot with questions like “What do you think about this……” I’ve read that introverts might appear “slow” to some people because we need time to think, but EJ says that he believes I think so very fast that I need time to sort through all my thoughts and connections and perspectives when I am asked a question. I think he is correct. Writing allows me to sort through my thoughts better than speaking does. (I can totally relate to Tevye in the movie Fiddler on the Roof when he pulls back and appears to “freeze” time to work through all the perspectives of a situation.)
I don’t swim in shallow water
Thinking, processing, connecting, and working thoughts like a puzzle enables me to learn deeply. For example, in struggling to make sense of painful experiences like abuse or conflict, I process and question and puzzle, working through connections and inter-connections, until I can understand what forgiveness, repentance, reconciliation, love, etc., is and isn’t. Many times my understandings have been later verified through other sources. I was amazed to observe how many of the beliefs that I struggled to understand actually conform to ancient Hebraic understandings. (Maybe that’s why I love Hebrew so much–I relate to its many connections and perspectives.) However, my thoughts don’t always “mesh” with common teachings so I also find that I am often not understood when I try to explain my thoughts to people. So sometimes it’s very difficult to explain my thoughts.
They don’t listen to me, but you understand me, right?
In addition, I find that people tend to hear what they want to hear and it’s easy (for us all) to make assumptions without really listening to what is actually being said. For example, when I struggled with emotional abuse, many people assumed that I was dealing with a simple conflict that could be resolved if I “only just loved them more” rather than understand, as I sensed, that it was a serious battle against abusive control. They gave me advice that kept me in the abuse for a long time until my understanding reach the point that I could free myself. Also, at the last church we attended I really thought, processed, wrestled with, and questioned what the pastor was teaching and doing because it was extremely controlling–and I sensed deeply that he was abusive. My experience at this church was the worst and most painful church experience I’ve ever had, although I am thankful that it caused me to question, think, and process many things. I learned a lot and I am where I am now because of it. But it was very difficult. I have observed that whenever a person mentions abusive experiences like these, most people immediately conclude the person is being unfairly critical and they argue that no one is perfect, we ought not to judge, and (in regards to the church) we need to support and submit to our leaders. But unfairly judging is totally different from dealing with abuse. Jim Jones was a cult leader several decades ago who started out as a Baptist minister. I have sometimes wondered how many people remained in his cult because they were told “not to judge” when they expressed concern about his teaching as he transformed from a Baptist minister into a cult leader who led 918 followers to a Kool-aid poisoned death. It can be tricky to know when someone is being critical and when he has valid concerns, but I think we need to be discerning and wise and not too quickly leap to assumptions. I ponder thoughts like these all the time, but many times I can’t express them. For one thing, they can sound (or sometimes be) too critical. JJ and I have conversations about keeping balance. On the one hand, we are all imperfect people who have weaknesses, wounds, and failures, and we all need forgiveness and help at one time or another. On the other hand, we need to discern when a person is abusive, etc., so we can maintain healthy boundaries and, if need be, walk away.
What I Think and What I Say
I’ve learned that painful experiences can often lead to great understanding and growth. Many times the pain and struggle give depth and understanding to what was learned and leaving out those details diminishes the truth learned or victory gained. For example, a person can share her beliefs about forgiveness, but there is more understanding if her “audience” is aware that her beliefs were formed through great heartbreak and struggle. Leaving out the original experience or the struggle feels to me like jumping into the end of the story. It leaves out essential parts of the story. Yet, I also understand that we need to be very careful that we don’t publicly humiliate or hurt others. So sorting through what to share and not to share, how to give understanding without revealing what ought not to be revealed, can add to the difficulty of sharing thoughts.
In addition to deep, complex thinking, my personality type tends to be very gentle, deeply caring people who are often Empaths, meaning we deeply feel and are affected by the suffering of others. We are natural nurturers; patient, devoted and protective. We tend to be observers and listeners, we deeply understand people, we are concerned for people’s feelings, and we try to be gentle to avoid hurting anyone. For this reason, hurting people often come to us for love, acceptance, and advice. We are also very sensitive to conflict, and cannot tolerate it very well so we avoid it as long as we can. These traits explain why we often appear to be “people pleasers” who don’t stand up for ourselves. However, many times I don’t criticize people because I deeply understand their wounds, pain, and struggles. This reminds me of a Sunday morning several years ago when a woman severely reprimanded EJ for parking in a parking spot close to the church doors. She told him that he ought to be ashamed of himself for not parking further away so the old and disabled could have the closer spots. (FYI: He was not parking in a handicapped space.) What the woman didn’t know was that EJ usually parked in far away places for just that reason, but on that particular morning EJ was suffering such severe back pain that it was amazing he even made it to church or was able to hobble to the door. She had assumed that because EJ looked strong that he was. She might have been more empathetic if she had known EJ’s painful struggles.
I feel the suffering of others
I am usually slow to criticize because I realize that I do not always have all the facts and that suffering is not always visible. And sometimes I do not criticize because I DO know what a person is suffering, I know that he or she is fighting fiercely and bravely to overcome a problem or wound. Also, I know that God’s timing is not always mine, that no one can overcome every “failure” or “weakness” all at once, and growth and healing takes time. What I do instead is try to support and encourage them in their current battles. This is not “not speaking up” or “people pleasing.” This is love and understanding.
Of course, there is also another perspective to this: Love and understanding doesn’t mean that we have to accept insults or abuse from others. Healthy boundaries are, well, healthy. I have suffered abuse from people who I knew were deeply wounded, but I eventually learned that my accepting their insults was destructive to both me and them…
We stand up to others when it matters to us, no matter what it costs.
Anyway, people with my personality trait also have strong value systems, and we need to live our lives in accordance with what we believe is right. We will not violate our beliefs and values in order to fit in and be accepted. This is kind of difficult to explain because I am willing to change my beliefs if, after processing them, I discover them to be untrue, and I also believe people ought to have the freedom to make their own choices–and experience the consequences of their actions, good or bad. However, no amount of pressure will force me to believe or do something that I believe is untrue or wrong. One example is that I have come to believe that the Torah (Law) is not “done away with” as I was always taught, and I celebrate the biblical Feasts and Shabbat even though that puts me out of step with many Christian friends who believe otherwise. If asked, I will explain my position, but I will not try to pressure others because I think that is something they need to work out with God. If a person honestly seeks God, I’m confident that He can change anything that needs changing in them, but if a person is unwilling to change, no amount of “logical argument” will convince them otherwise. So I simply live true to my own beliefs and no amount of pressure, no matter what it costs me, will force me to unwillingly change my beliefs or actions. But sometimes I feel a great struggle within me when my love of people conflicts with my need to live according to my values. It can be difficult to reconcile the two.
All that I have written thus far is merely the beginning, the foundation, of what I have been thinking all this summer. I will now try to write the next part of the story. That may take days, hours, weeks, or never, depending on how successful I am in expressing my thoughts.
I Love To Go A Gardening 