I Love To Go A Gardening
Growing Our Life in Northern Michigan
The Cancer Center
This morning JJ had his first appointment at the Cancer Center.
JJ was given pages and pages of forms to fill out. While he was busy writing, I observed the people in the waiting room. I pondered that every person there was fighting the battle of his or her life–or was with a loved one who was fighting. It was rather sobering. I prayed for everyone there.
I’m learning that cancer is a difficult battle. Fear walks beside every hope. There’s always fear that it could be the worst even while we hope at every step:
First: “It’s probably just an infection.”
Next: “The mass is probably benign.”
Then: “The cancer was contained in the mass. It hasn’t spread.”
Today we learned that JJ’s cancer has spread to some lymph nodes in his back. He officially has Stage 2a cancer. This is not news we wanted. We are no longer temporary visitors to cancer, moving quickly through it. We are here for the long-term. We are entering a whole new world and learning a new vocabulary.
I know everyone has different beliefs of how a person ought to fight cancer. Many people swear that their own method is the best and only way. We have been advised to fight with chemo, to fight with holistic methods, to eat certain seaweed, to use certain supplements…or not, or to travel to Mexico for methods not approved in the USA. Which is the best method? I don’t know, but I would offer the following thoughts to those who accompany a loved through cancer. I started this list a few weeks ago and am adding to it as I go along because I think it’s not easy to know how to be supportive to people who are suffering with serious illness. I think it’s helpful to have tips and reminders. I especially want to take note of this for myself for the future when I encounter people who are suffering.
- Each person and family fights cancer differently. Let them fight their battle in their own way. Remember it’s not your battle, it’s theirs. Be supportive no matter what.
- I am not sure that there is a right or wrong way to fight cancer.
- I think that God is not limited. He can heal using any method of treatment, including making mud out of spit and dirt and putting it on a blind person’s eyes. We can’t always know why God moves one person to fight one way and another person to fight another. Who knows? Maybe He wants His children in various places to pray for those who are going through the same treatments.
- I think it’s important to limit the amount of advice unless it is asked for. Your advice might be excellent but it can also be overwhelming. We can ask if we need advice or we can do our own research. What we most need are friends who will be there with us. It’s amazing how comforting it is to have a friend cry with us, freak out with us, and laugh with us. That’s more beneficial than all the advice in the world.
- It’s impossible to not ever give advice. I mean, we all do it. How can we not? However, if you give advice, give it and then back off. Your advice might be awesome, and we might use it, but we have a lot of stuff going on in our lives: tons of new information, medical tests, doctor visits, caring for our loved one. Don’t get upset if we don’t acknowledge your advice or use it. We are very busy now and not every bit of advice works for everyone.
- I talked to a friend the other day who said one thing she hated when her former husband was dying of cancer was strangers coming up to hug her. Me? I love hugs. This made me think that people find different things comforting and helpful. I think the best thing to do would be to ask them what they want or need.
- Please, please, do not tell scary stories about how a loved one might never get better if they don’t use your preferred treatment. I think that two of the most important things a cancer patient needs are a positive attitude and faith. Scary stories increases our fear and weakens our hope. We have enough fear and stress to deal with without adding more.
- It’s not easy to know what to do or say. So if aren’t perfect in giving comfort, that’s ok. We love you and forgive you for being human. We’d rather have you reach out than not.
JJ is choosing to fight his battle with Chemotherapy. He will have four cycles of chemo. Each cycle will involve chemo every day for a week, and then three weeks off, and then back to a week of chemo. Each week he will have to have blood tests to make sure his body is doing ok. At the end of his chemo, the doctors will test to see if the cancer is gone. If not, he will probably have surgery to remove the lymph nodes. If the cancer is still not gone, he will have more chemo.
The weeks ahead are going to be busy. Next week we attend a cancer class to learn about chemo–what to expect from it and how to care for JJ as he goes through it. At some point he will have a port put in. There’s also other tests and procedures he needs before he begins chemo.
Despite the seriousness of the day, we had a few funny incidents that made us laugh. We laugh whenever we can.
There was a gate at the entrance to the Cancer Center Parking lot with a speaker. Apparently people are supposed to push a button on the speaker, tell an Unseen Guy they are there for an appointment, and then the Unseen Guy releases the gate. This is stupid to me. Why the gate? To keep out bad people? A bad person is hardly going to say, “I’m a bad person and I’m coming to do bad stuff. Let me in.” Duh. Anyway, EJ pressed the button and nothing happened, so he pressed it again. And again. And then he said, “Hello?” And the Unseen Guy answered. EJ pressed the button again to tell the Unseen Guy that we were there for an appointment. Every time he spoke, EJ pressed the button. That’s how it used to work. But as he was releasing the gate, the Unseen Guy said, “Just for future reference, you don’t need to press the button to talk.” Later, we were talking about this in the exam room, and the doctor laughed that when someone presses the button, the Unseen Guy leans in to talk, and when EJ pressed the button again and again, he was blasting the guy with an alarm. Laugh.
Another funny thing: As I was growing up, if I heard about an injury or ailment, I would feel as if it happened to me, so I would get nauseous or faint. I think I’m too empathetic. Science classes, doctor visits, blood tests, descriptions of accidents, gory or medical movies, and so on were very difficult for me. Sometimes it was even difficult to visit people in the hospital. When I was in my mid-20s, I went to a behavioral psychologist to learn techniques to deal with this. The techniques were helpful, and through the years I have been able to bravely undergo many medical procures without any problem at all.
But today, as the doctor described the port that was going to put in JJ, I began to feel hot, nauseous and light-headed. I alerted my family and the doctor that I was not doing well. The doctor had me put my feet on a chair and EJ got me a wet paper towel for my head. It didn’t help. Apparently my face was very pale. Then the doctor said to JJ, “Get off the exam table and let your Mom lie down,” and he fixed the table so my feet were elevated and my head was down. We laughed. Here was my son, the cancer patient, forced to move out of the way so I could lie down.
With me lying on the table, the doctor continued. He asked if we had seen the CT scan results. “No,” EJ answered. “Would you like to?” the doctor asked. EJ said yes, so the doctor said to him and JJ, “Follow me.” Then he turned to me, “Not you. YOU stay here.” Laugh. By the time they returned, I was doing better.
JJ was delighted by my weakness. “You know that I’m never going to let you live this down, right?”
I replied, “Go ahead and laugh. I’m the comic relief.”
Going on a Bear Hunt
This morning I went shopping for a few groceries. Usually EJ goes with me and it becomes a fun experience instead of a chore, but he and JJ were sleeping so I went alone. I knew that if I didn’t get the groceries today, I would not be able to get them until at least Sunday and I didn’t want to wait that long.
I was in the paper products aisle in the store when I got a call from the urologist’s office. The woman said that they had scheduled an appointment for JJ at the Cancer Center at the hospital tomorrow at 9:30 a.m.. Could we make it? Before I could answer, the connection got wonky and all I could hear was something like “Wh….st…..wr…..yo…” I said, “The reception is bad! I can’t hear you” and then the call was lost. I tried to call back, but there were about 10 different voice mail options and none seemed appropriate. I pressed “0” hoping it would connect me to a receptionist, but got another menu with a million different options. Or maybe it was the same menu. For goodness sakes, there ought to be an option to talk to a REAL PERSON! I was feeling a Mama Bear growl of frustration building up when the doctor’s office called again. First thing I told the woman was that I was in the grocery store and I kept losing connection. She said she understood. She repeated the info and then asked if JJ could make it and I said yes.
We hung up and I suddenly felt as if the breath had been knocked out of me. The Tumor Board, a committee made up of doctors of various specialties who meet periodically to discuss various patients, met yesterday to discuss JJ case. Our next scheduled appointment with the urologist is just before Thanksgiving. The fact that we now suddenly have an appointment at the Cancer Center has thrown me off balance. I do not know if this unexpected appointment is a good thing or a bad thing. Is it normal or abnormal? Is it doctors just getting us started in the process or is there urgency because the news is bad? The uncertainty raised my stress about 5 levels. At this level of stress, a person’s stomach starts eating itself.
I texted my friend while in the dairy department to tell her about the appointment. She called me as I was driving home. She said when she got my text, she also felt the breath knocked out of her. She called her sister who lives in California, waking her up, to ask her to help her calm down so she could talk to me without crying. My friend and I shared our concerns with each other, ranted about our frustrations with doctor offices , and then we laughed. I tell you, the best type of friend is not one who gives you a bunch of advice, but one who is right there freaking out with you.
My friend said, “We just have to believe this is a positive thing.” I said, “What else can we do…other than totally fall apart and collapse?” I mean, we just got to get through this. And that made me think of Going on a Bear Hunt.
There are some children’s stories that I think are very profound and teach deep wisdom. I think of them as sort of parables that very simply describe spiritual truths. The Velveteen Rabbit is one of those stories. It describes what it means to be Real. It is such a deep book that I have it on the bookcase with my Biblical and Hebrew reference books. Another such book is called “We’re Going on a Bear Hunt.” I do not own this book, but I used to borrow it from the library when JJ was little. I have the important parts memorized.
When I face something very difficult, I often quote the book to myself, although I always change the words to reflect the situation:
We’re going on a bear hunt.
We’re going to catch a big one.
What a beautiful day!
We’re not scared.
Uh oh! An appointment at the Cancer Center!
A unexpected and scary appointment.
We can’t go over it.
We can’t go under it.
Oh, no! We’ve got to go through it…
And then I gather up my faith and my courage and I go forward.
And I try not to forget to breathe.
JJ’s Cat
Yesterday when I got back from the post office, I found a drop of blood that was slightly smaller than a dime on the floor. I thought that probably one of the cats had injured himself, so I began to search for more drops, hoping to find the injured animal. I confess that I imagined myself to be a legendary tracker or a world famous sleuth following a blood trail to the murdered victim. I sort of EEEEKed with surprised when my tracking led me to an actual dead body with the murderer standing over it. Our cat Little Bear was standing over the body of a dead mouse in the kitchen. I deduced that the mouse must have been killed where the blood was pooled and the body carried to the kitchen. I was so proud of my forensic skills. I cleaned up the crime scene by sweeping the mouse into the dustpan and unceremoniously throwing it out into the yard. and then I mopped the blood off the floor.
Our cat, Luke, has some sort of chronic urinary problem so he has to be on special food from the vet, probably for the rest of his life. When he doesn’t have the special food, Luke tends to pee in Danny’s food dish and other containers, which is disgusting and just plain wrong. We are taking special care of Luke because not only is he JJ’s beloved cat, but he is an amazing cat who taught himself to pee in the toilet. The vet, himself, said that Luke must be a genius–because although he’s heard of people training their cats to use a toilet, he has never heard of a cat who taught himself. Luke can also open closed doors. He sometimes stares intently at me, and then I am able to understand what he wants. I think the Force is strong in him.
The special cat food is very expensive so only Luke gets to eat it. Having one cat on a special diet is tricky to accomplish in a home with multiple cats, but we periodically shut Luke into the bathroom so he can eat. After a few minutes, when he’s had time to eat a bit, we let him out and put the food dish back in the cabinet under the sink so the other cats can’t access it. If we aren’t quick enough, Luke opens the door himself and then the other cats rush in and gobble up the expensive special food.
This special treatment seems to be going to Luke’s head. He was always a very loving, cuddly, quiet cat, but now every time I move towards the bathroom, he runs in and wants to be fed. His meows have changed from sweet to imperiously demanding. “Feed me. Feed me NOW!” he practically barks. He is reminding me, more and more, of Simon’s Cat.
His imperious attitude is affecting other areas of his life. Last night I was sitting in the Lazyboy chair with my feet up and the computer in my lap. Luke sat on the coffee table next to me and demanded. “MEOW!” as he stared intently into my eyes. I moved the computer so he could sit on my lap. His Jedi mind-tricks work on me.
Sometimes I say to Luke, “What do you think you are…special or something?”
“Pwrrrrt!” he agrees verbally and telepathically. Absolutely.
I think soon Luke will begin to walk upright and use tools. Then he will seize control of the TV remote.
A friend bought JJ a gift certificate for Chubby’s, his favorite local restaurant–a gift he has been thoroughly enjoying. Yesterday JJ was hungry for Chubby’s food, so we called in an order and then walked the two blocks to pick it up. Deanna, one of the owners of the restaurant, wanted to help JJ so she has put out a donation can to raise money for his medical costs. As she was deducting the cost of the meal from the gift certificate, she pointed out a man at a nearby table. “That man,” she said, “put a large amount of money into the donation can.” (She told us a dollar amount, but JJ and I were so tired that the numbers didn’t register.) She called out to the man, “This is the young man whose medical care you contributed to.” We went over to meet him. He was old and carried oxygen with him. He told us that he had wanted to contribute because he, also, has struggled with cancer several times and he knows how difficult the battle is. We thanked him profusely for his generosity and shook his hand. He was moved to tears. We struggled with tears too. It was one of those special encounters that you sense have great importance, maybe affecting the space/time continuum. The old giving to the young. The one who has suffered giving a gift to the one who is beginning to suffer. A gift given and received.
Last night I couldn’t sleep so I came downstairs to rejoin my family. We had many discussions, including whether or not the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles could be more accurately classified as superheroes or crimefighters. JJ thought they were crimefighters because they had no special ability to fly or control weather. I said that Batman has only gadgets, but he is a superhero. JJ argued that Batman is a crimefighter, not a superhero. EJ and I both thought the turtles were superheroes because we think they became human-like after encountering toxic waste, which often causes a person (or turtle) to gain super powers. I also said that all superheroes are actually crimefighters, so there isn’t really a distinction. That settled, we moved into more serious discussions, which I might write about some other day.
EJ fell asleep an hour or so later, but JJ and I still couldn’t sleep so we stayed up through the night. I finally went to bed at 5 a.m. EJ and JJ usually sleep through the mornings, but I always wake up earlier. I was so tired that I fixed a quick lunch, got it warming on the woodstove, and took a nap. Later EJ dropped me off at the post office on his way to work. The new retractable leash I had ordered had arrived, so when I got home I took Danny for a walk. He hasn’t had many walks lately, mostly because I have either busy or tired and his old leash broke and hurt my hands. This new leash is wonderful. After we got home, I brought firewood into the house, did dishes, swept the floor, fed Luke, and talked to my friend.
Now it’s time to relax.
Well….after I feed Luke.
Journey Stories
I really enjoy stories about journeys because I can very easily relate to them and find wisdom and courage for life through them. There are a lot of wonderful journey stories, but today I’d like to focus on just a couple and what I learned through them.
Years ago, I came across a fictional story called Flanagan’s Run in a Reader’s Digest Condensed Book. The story took place during depression-era America. A notorious huckster, Flanagan, planned a marathon footrace from the west coast to the east coast with a glittering jackpot prize at the end. Two thousand hopefuls lined up at the starting line from every walk of life and all ends of the globe, each with a different reason for entering the race. Some wanted to prove themselves physically while others simply wanted money to feed their families. As they ran themselves ragged across America, they came up against numerous hazards, including the steep Rockies, shady mobsters and crooked officials. During the race, unofficial alliances formed between groups of individuals who gave advice and encouragement to each other. The story focused on the characters of one such group headed by Doc Cole, an older man who had experience running marathons. He advised the less experienced members of his group on how to care for themselves physically and how to pace themselves so they could finish the race. Yet, there could only be one winner of the race so although they helped each other across the country, they each had to run their own races.
Whenever I read the book, I’ve pondered that it is important to form “alliances” in life to help us through the tough places. We need each other, none of us can make it alone. We need to encourage each other, to give hope, to help a fallen friend regain his footing. However, we also each must run our own race. No one can live life for us, no one can make tough choices for us, no one can cling to faith for us, no one can really make us happy, We must run together through life, but in many ways we also run alone.
Another journey story I enjoy is my own. Since I was a child, I have always loved to go on walks with my dog. One summer several years ago, I began to walk for longer and longer distances with my dogs. At the time I had two dogs: Danny and a lab mix named Jake. At first, I walked one mile, then two, then five…every day I challenged myself to walk a little further. EJ began to encourage me to just keep walking every day through the summer to see how far I could walk. He said that when I got tired, I could call him on my cell phone and he’d pick me up. If I noticed that the dog I was walking was growing tired, he would drive to me and exchanged dogs, taking home the tired one and handing over the replacement. EJ was my support team. My walks that summer became my challenge, my test of endurance, my epic journey. I discovered some important things during that summer.
I learned that I needed to have a goal to reach. If I didn’t have a goal, I’d stop as soon as I got tired. A goal kept me going, pushing and challenging me. My goals kept expanding. As I reached one goal, I set another greater one.
However, I also learned that I had to have little goals as well. Sometimes the big goal seemed too unreachable. The hope that I could reach my goal faltered a bit when I got tired or my feet hurt. So I’d set smaller goals,, focusing on making it to the next road or tree or mailbox. I’d focus on taking a step, and then a step, and then another step. I could always, always take one more step. Little steps helped me reach big goals.
I also learned that if I woke up in the morning and felt that I just couldn’t reach any goals then I might as well stay home. Journeys–and battles–are begun and won in our minds and spirits. If I didn’t believe that I could reach my goal then I really couldn’t reach it. If I believed that no matter what challenges I faced or how tired I got, I was going to persevere, then I really could.
The hardest day for me was the day I decided to walk to the church we were attending, which was 9 miles away. The weather report said that the temps would be cool, so I dressed a bit warmer–too warmly it turned out. Being too hot drained my energy, but I kept walking, taking one step and one step and one step. I was determined that I would reach my goal. Several miles into the journey, I thought, “I can’t do this. I really can’t do this.” So I called EJ, “I need you to pick me up.” Rather than sit down along the road and wait for him to pick me and my dog up and take us home, I just kept walking. EJ didn’t come, and he didn’t come. I starting getting irritated with him–“I’m tired. I an’t do this. When is he going to pick me up? “Then I felt furiously desperate. “WHERE IS HE? I NEED HIM!” I kept walking. Then suddenly I noticed that I was getting closer to the church. “I hope he doesn’t come quite yet,” I thought. And I was almost there. “PLEASE EJ DON”T PICK ME UP, I AM ALMOST THERE!” I mentally begged him. I turned into the church parking lot. I had made it! I entered the church, refilled my water bottle, and drank deeply. Then I called EJ and I sat and waited for him to pick me up. When he arrived at the church, he told me he purposely had not come for me because he knew that I really didn’t want to give up, that I really wanted to make it to my goal, he believed in me, and he wanted to give me a chance to succeed. I said, “THANK YOU!” Walking to the church was a battle I was able to win. The next day I walked the 10 miles to the next town with no trouble at all, I ended up walking 12 miles that summer.
The struggle to the church made me ponder that God NEVER arrives too late to help us. Perhaps when it seems as if God is too late, He is actually helping us reach a goal, and to win battles that need to be won. Perhaps He is helping us attain a victory rather than a defeat. I mean, it’s like the story of Lazarus in the Bible. It appeared that Yeshua (Jesus) delayed too long and arrived too late to heal Lazarus. Lazarus died. However, Yeshua’s delay set up the awesome miracle of the resurrection of Lazarus. It’s just a thought.
I have pondered that all long journeys have certain challenges that must be overcome. Sometimes we get to travel through pleasant places. However, other times we must overcome difficult terrain: dry deserts, high mountains, flowing rivers, deep canyons. The weather also has a big effect on travelers. Sometimes the weather is pleasant, making the journey a delight. However, other times the sun beats down unmercifully, or the storms rage over our heads, or the cold freezes our bones, or deep snow drifts hinder our progress. Then there are the personal challenges. We have to overcome hunger or fatigue, discouragement or fear, diminished hope or faith. Finally, there are the people we encounter along the way. Some are encouraging and helpful, giving us strength to continue. Others make the journey more difficult.
I think we face the same sort of challenges through life. The terrain of our circumstances are always changing, sometimes pleasant, sometimes routine, sometimes difficult. Then there are the storms that rage around us, the merciless problems that beat down unceasingly, situations that chill us. We have to struggle with personal fears and discouragement that tell us we can’t make it. Then there are people we meet along the way. Some strengthen us with their love and support while others wound our spirits or whisper discouraging words that tempt us to despair.
Some people seem to believe that if a person has strong faith, he will walk through life in joyful ease. However, I think that no matter how strong our faith is, no journey is easy. All epic journeys change the travelers as they persevere and overcome the challenges. I keep epic journey stories in mind when I face difficult life challenges.
Gandalf: You’ll have a tale or two to tell of your own when you come back.
Bilbo Baggins: …Can you promise that I will come back?
Gandalf: No. And if you do… you will not be the same.
The Havdalah Wine
As a family, studying Hebrew has deepened our understanding of Scripture and our faith in many ways. Several years ago, we began to celebrate Shabbat, which begins on Friday evening with a romantic candlelight dinner with God during which wine and special Challah Bread is blessed and enjoyed. The Christian “Communion” or “Lord’s Supper” originates from this. Saturday is a day of rest, spent enjoying God and each other. It’s really a delight to anticipate a day in which we can enjoy resting without guilt. Shabbat ends with a special little ceremony called “Havdalah.” It is a way to “separate” the beautiful Shabbat from the rest of the week.
Educators often say that the best way for a person to learn something is to engage as many of our five senses as possible: Sight, hearing, touch, smell, taste. Hah! God knew this before the educators did. He designed His feasts and Shabbat–His “appointed times”–to include all of our senses, making such celebrations truly special. For example, during the Passover meal, the story of the original Passover is retold. As slavery is described, everyone eats horseradish in order to “taste” the bitterness. When the sorrow of suffering is described, everyone dips parsley into salt water and shakes it to illustrate tears. At another point of the Passover meal, everyone dips their finger into their glass of wine and flicks droplets onto their plates each time they recite the ten plagues, symbolizing the loss of their joy as the Egyptians suffered from the plagues. The Jews do not rejoice when their enemies suffer. These are the things Jesus (in Hebrew “Yeshua”) was doing when He ate the Passover meal with His disciples before His crucifixion. The Passover meal is truly beautiful and meaningful.
In case a person thinks these are “mindless rituals,” the Jews teach that no blessing or ritual should ever be done mindlessly, but with intense focus and devotion to God. I love that above the cabinet holding the Torah scroll in every synagogue are the words, “Know Before Whom You Stand.” We must always keep in mind that we are standing in the very presence of God.
The Havdalah ceremony is quite beautiful. Fragrant spices are inhaled as a reminder of the fragrance of Shabbat. A beautiful braided candle is lit and our hands, which were created by God to work, are examined and appreciated in the light of the candle. Wine is blessed and a drop is spilled on a plate, signifying a lessening of joy as Shabbat leaves. We drink from our cups and the candle is snuffed out by dipping it into a special glass of wine as everyone shouts “Shavua Tov” or “Have a good week!” You can read about this ceremony in more detail here: Havdalah Ceremony. After this ceremony, the day of rest is over and normal work is resumed.
Because we participate in these Biblical feasts and ceremonies, I have sometimes been asked by my Christian friends if I am Jewish. I think I am becoming “too Jewish” for some of them. To be honest, ten years ago I probably would have felt the same. I am not Jewish, and I’m not forsaking my God, but I believe that the Messiah is/was Jewish, and He designed and participated in these Biblical traditions. Christians have ceremonies, traditions, and object lessons, and many of these Jewish ceremonies serve the same purpose: To remind us of truth and draw us closer to God. In fact, some of the Christian traditions originated from the Jewish traditions. However, the Christian traditions often seem to me to be a bit removed from the originals. I see deeper connection and truth in the way the Jews celebrate. I’ve learned so much about my Savior as I celebrate them. Everything points to HIM.
Anyway, usually wine is used during Biblical celebrations, because wine symbolizes joy, but it is acceptable to use grape juice, which is also a fruit of the vine. We have always used delicious kosher grape juice. However, several weeks ago, EJ and I found some real Kosher wine, and we decided to buy it to use during our Havdalah Ceremony. EJ has been working overtime lately, so Saturday night was the first opportunity we had to use the wine.
JJ and I have never, ever had wine, so this was a big moment for us. We felt a bit daring and dangerous to be drinking alcohol. JJ asked if we were going to get drunk. EJ explained that, no, we were only drinking a little glass of wine so it would not make us drunk. After EJ said the blessing, I told JJ, “This is a big moment. After we drink this cup, we will never again be good Baptists–because good little Baptists never drink alcohol. Once we drink this, we can never go back.” Solemnly, expectantly, we lifted our glasses and sipped our wine.
Gag! Ack! We gasped and choked like Gollum did when he ate elvish bread.
“YUCK!” JJ exclaimed. “This tastes awful! This tastes like VINEGAR!”
“This is HORRIBLE!” I agreed. “How can people enjoy drinking this swill?”
“I thought it would taste like really good grape juice,” JJ said. “But it tastes TERRIBLE.”
“I thought it would taste magical,” I said, thinking of all the descriptions I had read of wine at romantic dinners or picnics. “But it doesn’t taste magical at all.”
“You two are ridiculous,” scoffed EJ. “This is actually really good wine. It’s very tasty.”
“Really?” JJ and I questioned. “This is GOOD??? Bleagh!”
“I guess,” I declared sadly to JJ, “That we have failed the wine test. We are actually very good little Baptists after all.”
Maybe it’s an acquired taste, JJ and I speculated. Not ones to give up easily, we vowed to try again next week.
Night and Day
In attempt to find something that we can enjoy while JJ is fighting cancer, we have signed up for free trial months of Amazon Prime and Netflix. We had talked about getting Amazon Prime for a couple of years because we often shop on Amazon and the free shipping is appealing, but we are also enjoying Netflix. Amazon and Netflix have some of the same movies, but also some different ones. I think we are going to get both, since they aren’t all that expensive, and we really enjoy movies.
In the last couple of weeks we have been discovering interesting movies and TV programs on Amazon Prime and Netflix, including Doctor Who. I have heard a lot about Doctor Who over the years, but had never seen the program before. EJ, JJ, and I had a Doctor Who marathon yesterday, and we discovered that we really enjoy the show. I can see why it has a cult following.
The last Doctor Who episodes we watched last night before I headed to bed were 9 and 10 of season 1. It took place during WW2 and was about people who turned into childlike zombies. I like thrillers, suspense, and science fiction movies (among others), but not horror movies. In my childhood, even B horror movies used to scare me. I think because they made me feel trapped: people could never escape the monsters. Last night’s two-part Doctor Who episode felt horror movie-ish, and sort of scared me. I feel rather silly because it wasn’t all THAT scary, not really, but I think it tapped into stress I was already feeling. Especially just before bedtime. During the day I am mostly able to keep my focus on truth strong and not give in to stress, but I am vulnerable at night, when there are no distractions and my mind is too sleepy to always focus on truth. And if I don’t sleep well at night, I’m too tired to fight anxious thoughts during the day.
I think uncertainty causes stress, and there is a lot of uncertainty in our lives right now. During the day, I focus on the fact that many have survived this type of cancer, and we will take one day at a time, and I hold on to the truth that God will help us through whatever we have to face with JJ. At night, uncertainties about how JJ will react to chemo-therapy (if he needs it), and the difficulty of suffering with him as he (perhaps) vomits and loses his hair because of treatment, and the heartbreak of “what if he doesn’t survive?” nibbles at my peace.
During the day, I watch how God is showing us love through many, many people, and I am experiencing how He is caring for our physical needs. I feel so cared for! At night, however, I feel financially vulnerable. I hear stories about millions of people losing their health care, and the cost of ObamaCare. No matter what you, my readers, think about ObamaCare, the truth is that there is a lot of uncertainty with it, and I worry about how that will affect our son, and our ability to pay for his health care. Will we lose our insurance? Will we get bankrupted trying to pay medical costs? Will we be hungry, homeless, or watch our son die because we can’t afford ObamaCare?
And then there is my and JJ’s computers, both of which have developed problems. Our friend who is fixing my computer texted yesterday that he is getting a refund on my “brick” (the power cord thing) that he just installed a few weeks ago because it’s no longer working. He is having trouble finding a fan to replace the one that is dying. Apparently, technology is changing so quickly that even though my computer isn’t all that many years old, its fan is already obsolete. I think advances in technology are fun, but not if they change so quickly that a person cannot even find parts. In addition, if the motherboard on my computer is out, it will cost about $200 to replace it, which isn’t as bad as it could be, but is bad enough. We use our computers for so many things: news, education, research, entertainment, connection to others. EJ is sharing his computer with me while mine is being fixed, but sharing means neither one of us has full use of our computers, and his computer doesn’t have my bookmarks and photos and programs. And now JJ’s computer is not charging right. His computer is a gaming computer, which means EJ’s computer can’t run his programs. JJ feels very isolated without his computer. How can we afford the extra expense of fixing or replacing computers? During the day I feel that “Well, these things happen…” At night I feel like, “Really? The computers have to break down NOW?”
All these uncertainties–and more–I can fight during the day, but not always at night, and definitely not last night. I was stressed and sleepless through the night. I woke this morning from very little sleep. I felt tired, stressed, and overwhelmed. But first thing this morning I had to take the laundry to the laundromat. I had extra loads because I am washing all of JJ’s bedding because he has fleas in his room. I have been spraying everything multiple times to get rid of them. I have not noticed fleas in the rest of the house. Probably JJ has fleas in his room because he complained when I kept spraying his room earlier this summer so I probably didn’t spray his room as well. Plus, if I notice any flea in the rest of the house, I immediately commence the “Flea Protocol” and start to spray, but I do not go into JJ’s room all that often. I have never had the problems with fleas that I have had this year. They are probably developing resistance to flea spray. I hate fleas. In case you wonder, fleas cause stress.
Anyway, I care about many things, such as what’s happening in our country and the world. However, I find myself having to limit exposure to news and information, especially if it’s negative. I scroll through my FB page, sometimes reading an article or two, but I do not always read every discussion, news, or informational item. Sometimes even different information about good things is too much. Sometimes I just look at cute pictures of cats and dogs.
I told EJ this morning that I was thinking that in everything there must be a cut off point. For example, we have researched pork and believe that it’s really not good to eat. Besides the fact that God calls pork unclean in the Old Testament and I don’t see why, if He doesn’t change, that He’d suddenly call something good in the NT that He called an abomination in the OT, we researched pork and it just isn’t all that healthy to eat. When EJ stopped eating pork, he immediately had less problems with joint pain. (If you want to research the matter of pork, there’s a thought-provoking book by Hope Egan called Holy Cow! Does God Care About What We Eat?) But how far ought a person take this? Pig DNA is being inserted in various foods. Do we try to check out the DNA of food or do we stop at just reading labels on packages?
Does a person not watch movies that promote a lifestyle he disagrees with? That’s certainly valid. We all have criteria for which movies we choose to watch or avoid. However, where does a person draw the line? Does he refuse to watch movies in which the story does not promote a disagreeable lifestyle, but in which the actors in the movie live such lives? What about if the producers are engaged in such lifestyles? Or the camera crew? Or the makeup artists? How far do you research lifestyles before letting yourself enjoy a movie?
And then there’s food. I agree that food affects our bodies and we should eat healthy. I believe that GMOs and chemicals aren’t good for us. Neither are a lot of drugs. I mean, have you ever seen the drug commercials in which the side effects sound worse than the health issues the drug is supposed to cure? Why would a person take a drug for depression if the side effect of the drug is suicidal thoughts? Duh! But how far does a person take this? It seems that no matter what the food or supplement is, there is something negative about it. If we ate only “perfect food”, we’d probably starve to death because the list of “perfect” food is small. Dead is dead–does it really matter if a person dies of GMO or starvation? And everyone has a different opinion. Some people say to avoid all drugs, others say avoid certain foods. Some of EJ’s co-workers think we should take JJ to Mexico and treat his cancer with methods not approved in the USA.
Ai, yi, yi!
It makes my head ache.
I can’t help thinking about Howard Hughes, who was so afraid of germs that he became a crazy recluse. I mean, many germs are bad, but fear of them ruined his ability to enjoy life. Maybe he would have been happier if he had accepted a few nasty germs in his life. What good is being germ-free if you live a fear-full life?
I told EJ this morning that what good is it to be so stressed about making sure JJ has the most healthiest food, and the perfect treatment (whatever that is), if we get sick and die of exhaustion or stress to make it happen?
I appreciate the information that people share with us. I think people share out of love and concern, and they can’t know which piece of information will be something vital that we need. I do not think that any individual is flooding us with too much. However, I have “liked” a lot of natural health pages myself so there is a lot of information streaming on my FB page. Sometimes it feels like too much so I do not read every article. If I read every article, I would be reading articles all day long. And sometimes a person has to stop reading and start making choices. As EJ often says, “A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.”
So what we are doing is the best we can do. I think that is all any of us can do. I have several friends fighting cancer, and I try to support them in whatever way they decide to fight it. Cancer is hard enough to fight without feeling we have to fight it the way another person would. Besides, I don’t think there is a perfect way to fight cancer. Maybe every way is good as long as we are fighting it.
In our family we are trying to make the healthiest choices we can, but not every choice is the perfect choice. Not everyone will agree with every choice we make. We cannot follow all the advice we are given, which doesn’t mean we don’t love the people (or pages) giving it. Some choices might have some negative consequences, but we have to weigh whether the benefits are worth the consequences.
In order to fight stress, sometimes I don’t read every article on FB. sometimes I just turn on Amazon Prime or Netflix and relax with a good movie. A good night’s sleep enables me to fight stress too. But probably I won’t be watching Doctor Who just before bedtime.
Ya’yetze
Early yesterday evening JJ’s computer started not charging right. Since my poor computer also has had problems charging, I texted our friend who fixes our computers and he said he’d look at JJ’s computer on Sunday. He suggested we make sure EJ’s computer is plugged into a surge protector. I realized that in all the buying and rearranging of furniture a few months ago, our computers became plugged into non-surge protector power strips. I wonder if that’s the problem? It just seems strange that two of our laptops aren’t charging right. EJ and JJ’s computers are now plugged into a surge protector. I will have to buy at least one more so no matter where we sit, a computer is always plugged into a surge protector.
Last night JJ and I discussed the fact that sometimes it’s the many little problems, not the BIG PROBLEMS, that wear us down. I mean, we know that we have to have endurance and courage and faith to get through the BIG PROBLEMS. But having computers fail or the cat poop right in the path so that I step in it on the way to letting the dog out into the fenced in yard….those many little problems that accumulate can feel like straws that break the camel’s back. Maybe because we are already aware of and preparing for the BIG PROBLEMS but the little problems crop up unexpectedly and throw us off-balance.
Oh, well. Such is life.
As I’ve said before, a few years ago I began to teach myself Hebrew. I do not know how a person can learn Hebrew and not learn about faith and life, since truths of faith and life seem to be intertwined into the very language.
As our family has studied Hebrew our faith has undergone change. For example, several years ago my family began to celebrate Shabbat (Sabbath). I always thought that Shabbat was a legalistic burden that was done away with “in Christ,” but as I met more and more Jewish believers in Yeshua (Jesus), I saw that they considered Shabbat to be a day to joyfully look forward to each week. “How could something so oppressive be a joy?” I wondered. So I asked a Jewish friend to explain it to me. She answered my millions of questions with infinite patience, and I finally understood. Shabbat begins on Friday evening and ends on Saturday evening. Friday night can be compared to a “date night” with God, complete with flowers and a romantic candlelight dinner. Saturday is sort of like a family day–a day to relax, rest, and enjoy God and family. It has become an utter delight to us.
Every Shabbat, synagogues around the world study the Parashah, or Scripture portions. Portions are read from the Law, the Prophets, and the Psalms. Messianic Jews also add portions from the New Testament. It is believed that Ezra originally divided the Scriptures into these 54 portions so that through the year the entire Torah scroll is read. Yeshua (Jesus) referred to this reading schedule in Luke 24:44 when he said, “These are my words which I spake unto you, while I was yet with you, that all things must needs be fulfilled, which are written in the law of Moses, and the prophets, and the psalms, concerning me.”
My family has been studying the weekly parashah together over the last few years and we have found it a tremendous joy and blessing. Not only do we love to read and discuss the chapters of Scriptures, but we enjoy the deep insight of the Jews’ teachings on these passages. Usually we read the Parashah from the Hebrew for Christian website, but we also read teaching from other sources too.
This morning I woke up at about 7 a.m. Since EJ and JJ were still sleeping, I made coffee and then did a bit of reading. In preparation for the studying my family would enjoy together later, I read this week’s Parashah from the book A Taste of Torah by Keren Hannah Pryor. She is an Israeli Bible scholar who loves the Messiah. Her late husband founded The Center For Judaic-Christian Studies, and she is now in the process of setting up a new ministry of her own. I have become friends with her and study with her and a few others via video-chat. She is very sweet and has a lot of deep insight.
Anyway, this week’s Scripture portion is from Genesis 28:10 – 32:3; Hosea 12:12 – 14:10; John 1:43-51. The portion is called Ya’yetze, which means “And He Went Out.” One thing I read this morning concerning this portion in A Taste of Torah is:
“…The next verse describes how [Jacob] suddenly arrives at a place. The literal translation of the Hebrew text is more dramatic. Va’yifga ha’makom. “And he collided with the place.” It was a startling, unexpected encounter. Yifga suggests a dynamic encounter with an object that is traveling towards oneself. A word in modern Hebrew from the same root is paga, to hit (as in “to hit the target”), and a word familiar today, pigua, a terrorist attack.
As the redeemed of the Lord we move forward in our lives, planning in faith and hope towards our goals and desires, which we trust are in accordance with His will. But sudden, unexpected events can occur that interrupt our plans and disrupt the harmonious pattern we anticipated. They startle and shake us. On later reflection, however, we realize that unpleasant shocks can result in great good. We are given the opportunity to grow. They stir up the spirit and life within us and demand that we seek and reach out for God. They stretch the limits of our existence and our lives are changed.
I thought that accurately describes what has happened in our lives many times, most recently with JJ’s illness. We go along, life is normal, and then suddenly we “collide with a place.” I call these places “Life Quakes” because they are like earthquakes that shake and tear and unbalance us. They are not pleasant places. They are often an utter shock, even sometimes a horror. They are something we can’t handle on our own.
I actually dislike those quotes that say that God will never give us more than we can handle. Most of life’s difficulties I can’t handle–but I am convinced that HE can handle every situation. It’s often when life is difficult that God draws especially close. I love Psalms 18:12 which says, in the midst of an overwhelming flood of problems, that God “made darkness His secret place.”
I have encountered God in the dark secret places many times. Even now, with JJ’s cancer, there are good things happening. EJ, JJ, and I are drawing even closer together and we are experiencing God’s provision in a variety of ways.
I like this recent quote from Hebrew for Christians, which goes along with this thought of how dark places affect faith:
Brokenness distills the intentions of the heart by helping us to be more honest with ourselves. We begin to realize that we are more vulnerable than at first we thought; that our faith is not as strong as we imagined, and that our motives are often mixed and unconscious. Illusions are striped away; idols crumble; deeper levels of selfishness are uncovered; the gap between our words and our deeds is exposed… It is one thing, after all, to intellectually think about faith or to idealize spirituality, but it is quite another to walk out faith in darkness. Yet it is only there, in the rawness of heart, that we discover what we really believe and how our faith makes traction with reality…
Star of Our Own Lives
On Wednesday, I woke up earliest, as usual. EJ works second shift and JJ is a night-owl so they go to bed later than me and sleep later in the morning. I had to wake EJ and JJ at 9 a.m. so we’d have enough time to get to the lab for JJ’s blood test. We arrived at the lab at the perfect time–there wasn’t anyone ahead of us. When JJ’s number was called a minute after we arrived, I went in with him to distract him while his blood was being drawn. JJ has always been healthy and until last month he had never had any blood tests or surgeries.
The blood test was quickly over, and then we drove to the meat market where we buy our meat. After a bad experience at the market we used to go to (that market wasn’t all that honest and we saw a worker hugging cuts of beef to his dirty apron, which turned our stomachs), I searched the internet and found this one a couple of years ago. They raise and butcher their own cattle, are very clean, and have many awards on their walls. We bought some ground beef, all beef bologna, and a few patio steaks
Thursday was a tough day for JJ emotionally. His illness stressed him, he was discouraged that he can’t go to work or college, he is frustrated that he can’t lift anything heavier than 10 pounds, and he felt lonely. I had told him to expect to have a few bad days as he deals with this, but it’s still difficult when they come. Difficult for me too. I have been through some tough situations, and I got through them so I know he will have to learn to deal with and overcome his own trials, but it’s tougher to watch my son struggle then to go through difficult situations myself. When life seems terrible a person isn’t always ready to hear advice, so there’s not a lot I can do except hug him and tell him I love him.
By the next morning, JJ was doing better even though he hadn’t slept much the night before. I asked him if he wanted to go to the store with me for a change of scenery. He said he did, so we drove off for a drive through the beautiful autumn countryside to the store. I love car rides because they provide such wonderful opportunities to talk. An Internet friend had told JJ that he was “boring.” Honestly, I had a brief moment in which I felt like punching that Internet friend. JJ doesn’t need stuff like that right now.
However, I restrained myself and I told my son that I had just had some awesome insight the other day that “everyone is the star of his own life” and they all interpret everything from their own perspectives. This means that their own desires and needs seem more important than those of others. This sounds–and can be–selfish, but really all we have is our perspective to see things through. A healthy person can understand that just because something isn’t important to him, it doesn’t mean it’s not important to another person, and to also value what’s important to others. A healthy person will also understand that there must be a balance between caring for others and caring for ourselves. I mean, it’s possible to put others first to an unhealthy extent. I think it sounds really spiritual to say “always put others first” and I used to try to always put others first, but after many years I realized that there is no way I–or anyone–can meet all the expectations and demands of others and stay sane. No one can please everyone all the time. The key is balance. For example, last weekend was EJ’s mother’s birthday, and a sister-in-law emailed us to see if we were going. I recognized that it was very important to her, more important, at that moment, than anything else. Normally, it would have been very important to us to go too. However, right now our most important focus is JJ’s health. Doing what is best for him comes first above everything else. We won’t go to functions if we determine that JJ can’t handle it. EJ would have gone to the party without us except he had to work last weekend. So in this situation we put our own family before others, even those we love deeply. I know that some people get upset if others don’t do what they think is important, but I’ve come to believe that most people do the best they can and when there is different desires and expectations and choices, people have to determine what they can or cannot do. I tend to not get upset if others make decisions that do not agree with mine. In fact, I try to encourage people to put their own families first, and I respect their rights to make their own decisions.
Anyway, I told JJ on our drive to the store that if someone is “different,” people often call that one “weird, stupid, boring, or not funny.” I had a sister who told me throughout my childhood that I was “boring” because I liked to read. I did other things too, but any time I did something she didn’t want to do–like read–she told me I was boring. She told me so often that I believed her and for a long time I didn’t think anyone would like me because I was “boring.” But eventually I realized that I was boring only to people like her. There are plenty of people, including my husband, who think I am interesting and who appreciate that I read and ponder–because they also love to read and ponder. Through many of our adult years, this same sister told me that I wasn’t funny. She even said loudly at her birthday party a few years ago, “See, TJ? This is what it’s like to have fun.” It got very annoying, but I refused to let it define me. We are different people, not the same. I have lots of fun, and plenty of people appreciate my sense of humor, but my sister never really understood me. To her, because I was different from her, I was “less.” I think her humor tends to be more goofy, which I think is delightful, while mine is more witty, which is also delightful. So, I told JJ again, people don’t always understand others, and they label them odd or weird or boring just because they are different. Appreciate the differences in others. “Different” does not mean “wrong.” Realize that we all have some undesirable traits, and we always have areas in which we need to improve, but don’t always take what others say as “reality.” It’s only their perspective. People will come into his life some day who truly appreciates and love who he is: a compassionate, intelligent, and witty young man. It just takes a while sometimes to find compatible friends.
JJ and I had an enjoyable time at the store. On the way home, he was so tired that he fell asleep. I dropped him off home so he could go to bed, and then I drove two blocks to our grain elevator to buy some cat and dog food.
As I was arriving home, I got a text from my friend who lives in another state. She told me that she had googled to find Chubby’s, JJ’s favorite restaurant in own town. She called them up, asked them if they knew JJ (to make sure she had the correct restaurant) and then paid for some meals there. She said she didn’t live close enough to bring us a meal, so she bought some meals for him at Chubby’s. I thought that was incredibly and creatively sweet. I have some very sweet friends who have given us some wonderful gifts: a fragrant candle left at our door, money sent to buy groceries for JJ, a delicious homemade apple pie brought to us by a dear neighbor, a friend’s visit and the lending of a favorite movie, a donation can in Chubby’s to help with medical expenses. We are all very touched by such expressions of love. “See?” I told JJ. “People really love and care about you.”
Every Friday morning I make Challah Bread. If we don’t eat it all, I always put the leftovers outside for the birds to eat. The bread is so special that I hate to just throw it away in the trash. It won’t be long before snow starts to fall, and I didn’t want the bread crumbs to get lost in the snow, so yesterday afternoon I built a simple pillar out of stacked bricks outside my kitchen window where I can watch the birds as I do dishes. Then I put the bread crumbs on top. This morning I saw that the birds were visiting the pillar. I might move the pillar though because it is somewhat blocked by the post the birdhouse is on.
Giving and Receiving
This post is really a continuation of my thoughts from yesterday about giving and receiving.
I have been learning Hebrew for the last few years. It really is a fascinating language filled with deep meaning. I think it’s impossible to learn the language without also learning deep insights into spiritual truths and how to live life.
In studying Hebrew, I have learned that much of Western culture is built upon Greek thinking. The Greeks were logical thinkers, They discussed abstract ideas. They believed in cause and result, and that if A was true then B could not be true. This is contrasted with Hebrew thinking, which was very concrete and action oriented. The Hebrews didn’t discuss beliefs they lived their beliefs. They were comfortable with mystery, and they believed that two opposite things could both be truth. “These also are the words of God,” they say. While a Greek-thinking person would argue whether we chose God or God chose us, a Hebrew-thinking person would say that both were true: God chose us and we choose Him. The Bible is filled with these opposite truths, these paradoxes: God is sovereign yet man has freewill, Yeshua (Jesus) was God and also man, the Bible was written by men but was God-breathed, and so on.
I believe that we have to hold on to both opposite truths. If we go too far to one extreme or another we fall into error. A lot of church denominations have split because some believed one truth and not its opposite.
What does this have to do with giving and receiving?
As I wrote yesterday, I believe that if we must stay balanced between giving and receiving. If we give and refuse to receive, we fall into one kind of error, and if we receive but refuse to give we fall into another kind of error.
Today I was thinking of something Watchman Nee wrote in his book, Changed Into His Likeness: “The distinctive feature of true Christianity is that it compels people to receive.”
It’s very humbling to have to be the receiver. To receive, a person must admit that he has a need, that he can’t handle life on his own. We can’t receive God’s forgiveness if we can’t acknowledge that we need forgiveness. We can’t receive His mercy unless we acknowledge that we need mercy. We can’t receive His comfort if we can’t acknowledge that we need comforting. In order to obtain what God has to give us, we have to be willing to receive.
As I wrote yesterday, I’ve observed that people who give but refuse to receive often have a facade of strength, but they can become too proud to admit their weakness and need. If they can’t accept the help of other people, they cut off a lot of God’s care because often God supplies our needs, gives us comfort, and lifts us up through people. I often think of a short story in which a man was stranded on the roof of his house as a result of major flooding in his area. He asked God to rescue him. A short time later a helicopter hovered overhead and a person called out to ask him if he needed help. “No,” the man replied. “God will rescue me.” The helicopter flew away. A bit later, a speedboat came by, and those in the boat asked if they could rescue him. “No, God will rescue me.” Off sped the speedboat. Then a man in a rowboat came by. “Do you need help?” “No. God will rescue me.” Away went the rowboat. At this, God called from heaven, “I’ve sent you a helicopter, a speedboat, and a rowboat…what more do you want???” If we can’t accept the help God sends through others, we are actually rejecting His gifts.
Yet, those who always receive and never give are often very self-centered, moaning about their troubles with very little compassion for others who are hurting. There are times when we are all weak and needy and we cannot go on without someone to lift us up and help us get back on our feet. (In the Biblical story, the sick man could not have made it to Yeshua without the help of his friends who carried him.) However, at some point we need to reach out to others who are also suffering. Even as my family suffers with JJ’s cancer, there are people around us who are struggling with severe illness or other problems. They are reaching out with comfort to me (which I receive) but I also try to reach out with comfort to them (giving to them). We must both give and receive. Sometimes we are able to give more, and sometimes we must receive more, but in the end it’s a balance between the two.
I think giving and receiving go hand in hand: How can you give if no one receives? Yet, how can you receive if no one gives?The curious thing is that when one person gives and the other person gratefully receives, the recipient gives a blessing to the giver by their receiving of his gift.
Here There Be Love
This morning I called JJ’s college instructors to talk to them about his classes. Of course, since I didn’t know their teaching schedules, I got their voice mail. One instructor, who teaches JJ’s stress management class, called back later. I told her that JJ wouldn’t be able to drive to the college for classes, and I asked if there any way he could do his assignments on-line. She said “Absolutely” so I handed the phone to JJ to discuss assignments with her. He talked to her for quite awhile and then told me that she said that he could write journal entries. If he couldn’t write, she’d accept a phone call as a journal entry. She said that he could call her at any time if he had questions. JJ had been nervous about talking to his instructors about school, but I had told him that I thought that talking to them would be very encouraging and would set his mind at rest. I was right. I expect that talking to the other instructors will also be as encouraging.
I’m glad we are getting this college issue addressed.
Since JJ started working at McDonalds last May, he has enjoyed ordering takeout from a little local diner, and then walking the two blocks to pick it up. The diner has only been in business for about a year, and JJ loves the food. He has gone there so often that he has developed a rapport with the husband/wife owners. Today JJ asked if he could have his favorite meal from Chubby’s, and since we are trying to fatten him up, I called in the order. After she took my order, the owner asked, “Is this for our boy?” I said yup! “It will be ready in 15 minutes,” she replied.
When I walked down to pick up the meal, the woman told me that she and her husband really care about JJ and he has supported their business so they would really like to support him by putting a donation can in their diner to raise money to help with his medical expenses. She wondered if I would mind. I could see the love in her face and was very touched. I could see that she wanted to do something for JJ so I gave her permission.
I think it’s difficult to accept help sometimes. However, I have heard from several cancer support groups/people that if support is offered, we should accept it. I also remembered something that I observed and pondered several years ago regarding two friends.
One friend loved to give to others, but she never wanted to receive. She only let people see her strengths. Whenever she was struggling, she’d withdraw. The other friend loved to receive, but she never really gave. She cried for hours about her problems and how no one cared, but when her friends were hurting and needed her, she ditched the friendship. These two friends taught me a lot about giving and receiving. It’s sort of complicated to describe though, so I hope I can make sense.
I believe that there is a positive and a negative side to giving and to receiving, and to be well-balanced, we need to be able to do both: to both give and receive.
What I observed is that in giving, a person learns to be generous, to care for others, to be other-centered rather than self-centered. When a person gives, she allows God to use her to bless others and she receives a blessing in return. It’s amazing to be used of God to help others.
However, I’ve also observed that if a person insists on always being the one to give and she never allows others give to her, she can become arrogant. She can see herself as the strong one, who is never, ever weak or needy. She is the wise one with all the answers. I’ve seen such a one begin to treat others with contempt because they are weak. I’ve seen her believe she has to protect others from the truth because “they can’t handle truth.” Also, no one is strong all the time, and having to maintain a facade of strength can be exhausting, as well as lead to hypocrisy. It can cause a person to feel like a martyr and to become resentful of always having to give to others.
In a way, I think the Only-Givers who have to be the strongest and wisest sort of feed off of the weakness of others. Because they have to be the strongest, the wisest, the most generous, they force people in their lives to be only receivers. Because they have to be the ones who generously bless, they steal from others the opportunity to bless. They do not experience God’s blessing because they reject the need to be given to.
I have also observed that a person who receives gets to experience the awesome help God gives through others. It is so amazing to have a desperate need, and then to have the need miraculously met. It can be humbling to have to accept help, but in receiving from others, a person learns humility, which is an important trait to learn.
One the other hand, I’ve observed that a person who always receives and never gives is in danger of becoming self-centered and overly dependent. Such a person becomes almost a vampire, sucking strength from others. These people never experience the joy of helping others.
I believe that the healthiest people are those who can both give AND receive. They get to be a blessing to others by giving, but they also give others the opportunity to be a blessing as well when they are willing to receive. They get to be used of God to help others, but they also let others be used of God. They learn to be other-centered by giving, but they learn humility through receiving.
Sometimes when someone gives to me abundantly, I feel humbled by their generosity, I thank God for using them to provide for us in awesome ways. I also remind myself how much I am joyfully blessed when I am able to help others. and I think “So why would I want to selfishly deny others that same blessing by rejecting their generosity?”
Today, when I saw the love on the face of the owner of the diner as she described the way she wanted to give to JJ, I thought.
Here there be love.
And I accepted it, even though it was humbling, because I know that I am blessed when others accept my loving help when they are in need.
Does this make sense?
Soul Sighing Day
Last night we had to turn the clocks back an hour. I was quite glad because it meant that we’d get an extra hour of sleep. I was extremely dismayed when I had trouble getting to sleep, and tossed and turned all night. I haven’t been getting enough sleep. I fall asleep well enough, but sometimes my sleep is fitful and I always wake early.
Because of the fitful night, I was VERY tired when I woke this morning. I felt like I hadn’t slept at all, but I had to do laundry and go to the store. Usually EJ goes with me, but he’s worked every weekend for the past two or three weeks, and he is very tired. The overtime is a blessing right now, but he doesn’t get a chance to rest. His back is also hurting a lot.
So I loaded the clothes in the car and went off to the laundromat alone. After the clothes were washed, I loaded them into the car and headed to the store in the town ten miles away. Although I was foggy with tiredness, I really enjoyed the drive. The scenery is very lovely. As I drove along, I saw a cat pounce on something in the weeds along the road. I wonder what his prey was?
I was hoping to get some Melatonin, a natural sleep aid. Our family doctor had told JJ when he saw her a week or so ago that he could take some if he wasn’t sleeping well. JJ asked me to buy him some a day or so ago because his sleep patterns are all messed up. He is awake most of the night and sleeps through the morning. I asked him if he wasn’t sleeping well because he is a night owl or because he is stressed about the cancer, and he replied “a little of both.”
I couldn’t find any Melatonin at our usual grocery store and the lone pharmacist was so busy waiting on customers at the counter and the drive-thru that I didn’t want to wait. As I waited in line to pay for a few other items, I saw that the man in front of me had a cart full of plants–a large foliage plant, two bouquets of cut flowers, and seven or eight potted flowers of various kinds. I was very curious about why he was buying so many, and I tried to guess the story behind the purchase. Everyone has a story of some kind or another.
After the grocery store, I headed to a Rite-Aid pharmacy down the street. I found some Melatonin on sale (buy one, get another for half-price), and I also bought some Echinacea tea. It’s supposed to boost the immune system. i figured JJ and I could take the Melatonin and we could all drink the tea because we are all tired and need to remain healthy. (EJ isn’t having trouble sleeping. He sleeps well, but is tired from working so much.)
I stopped at one more store for a laundry hamper, and then headed home. I was thankful that EJ had started lunch. I put the groceries away and got the first basket of clothes loaded into the dryer.
When I came into the living room, I saw several ants crawling around. They had been in a piece of firewood we had brought into the house. I killed them, and saw more…and more. Ugh! We have used our woodstove for more than 20 years and never have had such a problem with bugs in the fire wood. This has been such a horrible year for bugs. I spread around some Borax and also sprayed some organic pest spray that is safe around pets. I found the log that the ants were hiding in and threw it in the fire. As I did, I quoted from Firefly, a favorite TV program from the early 2000s: “You are going to burn in a very special kind of Hell.” I needed to get rid of the source of the insects, and I couldn’t keep from quoting from the program.
I was so tired that as soon as EJ left for work, I curled up on the loveseat and tried to take a nap. I dozed a bit, enough to revive me a little, but didn’t really sleep deeply. Mostly I have spent the day longing for night so I can try to sleep. I’ve always called these sorts of days “Soul Sighing Days” because it feels as if I’m so deep down tired that my soul sighs through the day.
This evening, my computer broke again and shut itself off. I described the problem to our friend who fixed it a month or so ago. Since the fan made a loud noise both times before the computer stopped charging and turned itself off, he said there is a good chance that the main board in my laptop is faulty, However, he will begin by changing the fan and see if that solves the problem. I really, really, REALLY hate being without my computer, even though EJ is nice enough to share his with me when mine isn’t working. I’m using his computer right now to write this blog. Being without a computer feels like one problem too many.
Other than not sleeping well, I am doing mostly good. I am hopeful, not discouraged. I’m just tired.
We all need rest.
Fennel in the Fire
JJ was supposed to get a full body CT Scan before his surgery, but the hospital had neglected to scan his chest. So Thursday morning we had to get one done. The woman who scheduled the scan gave us a choice of where to have it, and EJ chose to have it done at an imagining center near the doctor’s office instead of at the hospital. He said it was easier to get to, although I would have gotten lost if I had had to take JJ by myself. I can find the hospital because it’s down the street from where I used to work. I get lost very easily.
I checked the date and time of the scan several times through the week to make sure I had it correct. Both EJ and I are tired and stressed enough that we find ourselves forgetting things. Just this afternoon, for example, I carefully removed the seeds from the fennel plant I had been drying. I had grown the fennel in my herb garden. I was looking for a container to put the seeds in, and then forgot what I was doing and threw them in the woodstove. I was so appalled when I realized what I had done. Fatigue and stress are definitely affecting us a bit, even though otherwise we are doing pretty well.
When we arrived at the center on Thursday, the woman at the counter said she didn’t see JJ’s appointment listed. Then she said, “Oh, his scan is scheduled for tomorrow, not today!” I showed her my piece of paper with the information on it. It said the scan was that day and time. Someone had written down the information incorrectly. It wasn’t my mistake! It’s an hour drive there, so my heart sunk at the thought of having to come back tomorrow. However, the lady said she’d try to fit us in since we were already there.
After she got the information she needed, she showed us a waiting room and we sat down. I’ve been observing the colors of hospitals and doctor rooms. I hate blue doctor’s offices and hospitals. Blue makes the rooms feel cold and unfriendly. (In fact, science fiction and horror movies are often filmed with a bluish tint to set the mood of high-tech, dystopian, or horror scenes.) I like warm colors that are more inviting. This waiting room was a warm color. It was Halloween day and somewhere back in the inner rooms was a motion sensing decoration. Periodically we could hear OOOOOOOoooooooo groans. It was sort of creepy, but also funny.
JJ was more nervous this time than last time. Last time he didn’t know what to expect. This time he knew what the “milkshake” tasted like and what it felt like to have an IV in his arm. However, he left and was back in about ten minutes. He didn’t have to have a milkshake or IV. It was surprising.
Friday was the day I decided to tackle the college dilemma again. I struggle to know what to do with it, since every action requires information that I need from someone else. EJ and I decided to drive to the college so we could talk to people face-to-face. The women in the Student Center were helpful and now I know my next step with them, which is to talk to the teachers more specifically about whether or not JJ can do their assignments from home, and if he can get an Incomplete if he can’t get his work completed before the term ends. I’ll get started on that next week.
Since we are now pretty much in a holding plan, waiting to meet with the doctor again, I find myself a bit tired and just wanting to veg out. We have signed up for free 30 days subscription to Amazon Prime and Netflix so we can watch movies while JJ recovers. When I’m not busy going to the store, fixing meals, cleaning the house, talking to the college, and conversing with friends, I am snuggled with a blanket and a cat or two, enjoying movies. Sometimes I doze a bit on the loveseat.
Fairy Tales
A few days ago, a Facebook friend sent me this picture and said, “I suspect this would be you if it weren’t for your blog…” I love this picture because it is so very much true of me. Thoughts fill my head but they rarely get said. (Did you notice that the last sentence rhymes?) Except in writing. I can hold back spoken words better than I can hold back written ones. And the more difficult life becomes, the more the words flow. It’s like a dam: sunny days or light rain does not affect a dam, but heavy rains and flooding increases the pressure on it until flood gates must be opened to release the pressure so the dam doesn’t crack and destroy picturesque villages in the path of destruction.
EJ, JJ, and I love to tell stories. It must be the Irish-Norwegian ancestry in us. We weave fantastical stories out of common place items and events. Sometimes one begins the story and others add to it.
I have fun, for example, when EJ or JJ asks me a question that there is no way I would know the answer to–such as “What is that man doing?” or “Why is his car dented?” as we drive through the countryside. I’ve never seen the person before and never will again–how am I supposed to know what or why? So I make up a story about it: “That man is Fred’s cousin’s wife’s brother’s son. His car is dented because last night he accidentally ran over Big Foot…” is much more interesting than “How am I supposed to know?” I bought a goblet years ago to use whenever JJ got sick, and I’d laugh evilly whenever I handed him the goblet of bubbling Theraflu or Airborne. After he drank it, I always dramatically quoted a line from The Emperor’s New Groove: “A Llama???? You’re supposed to be dead!” Last week, when we were sitting alone in the doctor’s office, JJ showed me some greenish-yellow bruising on his arm. I really think it was bruising caused by the IV or blood test needles, and I did ask the doctor to confirm that later. However, when JJ showed it to me, I examined it intensely and then whispered dramatically, “Oh, no! JJ, I really think you might be turning into a zombie!” It’s much more interesting to consider that he might be turning into a zombie than that his arm is merely bruised.
We have an interesting inner life, and are rarely bored. But outside we look normal, like superheroes in disguise. At least, I think we look normal?
I can so totally relate to Anne Shirley’s imagination in the book, Anne of Green Gables, and to Rick Castle’s love of weaving stories on the TV program, Castle. They are kindred spirits.
Oh, this topic brings up a memory of when JJ was little. We were reading about medieval times and I got him a knight’s costume–armor, helmet, and sword. I, as the Queen Mother, ceremoniously touched him with a sword and declared him a knight of the realm. He wore his knight’s costume all that day as we did various tasks around town, courageously and nobly protecting me from all harm. He gallantly stopped me at intersections to rescue me from threatening cars. It was so precious.
I think I could maybe be a writer of books, except for one thing. At night I can’t sleep if my thoughts are running around in my head, so long ago I began to imagine stories to turn down the other thoughts and help me sleep. I have never really gotten past the backstory of my story–the reason why the characters act the way they do. One reason is that I fall asleep. But another reason is that while I can understand why the heroes of the story fight heroically, I cannot comprehend why the evil villains want to do evil. I just can’t understand the delight in oppressing people. I can understand that evil dictators or sorcerers want more power or more land or more gold, and I understand that they hate the innocents and the heroes, but where do they think their evil is going to lead? I mean, did Genghis Khan or Hitler ever think through “What next?” If they had conquered the whole world, killed all their enemies, stolen all the land and gold…then what? What would Sauron, or Narnia’s white witch, or all the other evil witches and sorcerers have done if they had succeeded in plunging the world into darkness or turning all the heroes into stone? So the victorious evil ones possess all the treasure and control all the land. Everyone is afraid of them or turned into stone. What do they do next? I think they must respond as it is said that Alexander the Great did: “When Alexander saw the breadth of his domain, he wept for there were no more worlds to conquer.”
Except I just can’t imagine Sauron weeping that there are no more worlds to conquer. I think evil villains must not think very far ahead. Despite their evil, they are simplistic. They think only of possessing, not what will happen after they have possessed.
Good must ultimately be victorious because it unites and builds and heals and restores, making people stronger. Evil makes no sense, it divides and destroys the very things that would make it strong, and I believe it always must eventually collapse. I mean, no matter how much an evil overlord oppresses people, sooner or later heroes will arise to fight back. Or the son of the evil one becomes weak, hedonistic, and/or insane and loses the kingdom–like some of Caesars of Ancient Rome.
I believe that there are certain stories that become beloved classics because they contained echoes of the True Story. We love stories of the battle between good and evil, light and darkness, princes and princesses, heroes and heroines, redemption and romance, fighting dragons and monsters, challenging quests and journeys…because they echo the Very Real Story that an evil dragon has plunged the world into darkness, turning people into stone, but that a courageous prince has gone on a noble quest to slay him and rescue us, the princesses in the tower. Now we only wait for the prince to return to carry us off into the sunrise. (Not sunset. It will be a beginning, not an ending of the story.) The Bible is NOT a fairy tale, but we love stories and fairy tales because they contain elements that echo the truth. Stories and fairy tales are parables.
Years ago, EJ, JJ, and I went on vacation in Pennsylvania. We stayed at a beautiful bed and breakfast. Another family was also staying at the bed and breakfast that week. We liked each other and ended up going out to eat together at a restaurant. We talked about various things, and one thing led to another, and I ended up telling the other woman about my weird theory that I think we love stories and fairy tales because they have echoes of truth. The woman began to cry a bit. She said that as a child she used to love fairy tales, but then life was hard, and she learned that there are no princes, no happy endings. She decided that she’d never tell her kids fairy tales. However, I had just opened her eyes to the fact that even though evil often seems to win, someday the King will return, save us from the dragon, and we will all have a happy ending. The fairy tales are, in some ways, true.
Ok, I can’t resist sharing this favorite clip from the movie, Galaxy Quest. I love this movie. It both pokes fun at and honors Sci-Fi stories like Star Trek.
Anyway, just so you know, the battle my family is fighting against cancer is not merely about hospital visits and cancer treatments. No. We are fighting a monster that is trying to eat our son. A Fellowship is forming to accompany him, made up of us, his parents, and you his friends, as well as the King. This is an epic story.
Somehow, it feels more powerful to imagine ourselves as valiant warriors fighting monsters with the King than a vulnerable family fighting a disease.
How To Plan A Pity Party
This morning I took our dirty clothes to wash at the laundromat. Our washer broke awhile ago, so we wash the clothes at the laundromat and then we bring them home to dry on our clothesline or in the dryer. Often EJ goes with me to help me, but when he’s tired or in pain, I just go alone.
This morning as I sat (alone) in the laundromat, I pondered that a few days ago the thought of doing routine tasks felt overwhelmingly stressful, but today it felt like a touch of normalcy. Then I thought that although I would like to get moving QUICKLY, without pause, to get JJ’s cancer treated and cured so we can get back to normal life, I am rather cherishing the opportunity to have some moments to catch my breath before the next flurry of medical activity.
This reminded me of an old Hitchcock interview we watched on TMC a couple of months ago. I love Hitchcock movies. He was a masterful director of suspense. The TMC channel aired a marathon of Hitchcock movies that weekend, one of which was a movie I had never seen before called Sabotage. In the movie, a man named Mr. Verloc was part of a gang of foreign saboteurs operating out of London during World War 2. He managed a small cinema with his wife and her teenage brother as a cover, but they knew nothing of his secret. Scotland Yard assigned an undercover detective to work at the shop next to the cinema in order to observe the gang. At one point, Mr. Verloc had to place a bomb in a building to go off at a certain time, but he was being watched so he handed the bomb, wrapped as a package, to his wife’s brother and asked him to deliver it before a certain time without fail. I watched with breathless fear as the unsuspecting boy traveled across the city on bus and by foot, getting slowed and hindered by various events. Always there was the alternating fear and hope that the boy would get rid of the package before it was too late. It was a complete shock when the boy was too late and was killed when the bomb detonated. In the interview later that night, Hitchcock described that scene and said it was a mistake. He said when he saw the disbelief and shock on the faces of the audience in the theatre, he realized that at various points of the story, as the suspense builds, there needs to be moments in which tension is released so the audience can catch their breath and not be pushed over the edge of emotion. He said if he could do it over again, he would have had the boy escape at the last moment.
I think people going through suffering needs moments of release too. We need to be able to catch our breath. We need to find moments of laughter and moments of normalcy.
Throughout his life, JJ has sometimes said to me, “You are weird.” I’ve often replied “Thank you” or “I’m not weird, I’m unique.” Other times I’ve reminded him that my life goal is to become an eccentric old lady. I’d love to be like the old lady in the following video. I’m not there yet, but I’m really trying to work towards it.
There are times when I agree with JJ that I am probably very weird.
One of the ways in which I am probably weird is that I am the only one I know who sees value in Pity Parties. Ok, before you stop reading, maybe you should let me explain. And, by the way, I am not currently feeling sorry for myself. If I were feeling sorry for myself, I would be unable to write about Pity Parties. I’d be too miserable.
It would be totally awesome if we could always be bursting with faith and hope and joy, no matter what happened to us. However, most of us are human and the reality is that life can be scary and sad and painful, and there are times we cry and shiver and groan…and even, on occasion, feel sorry for ourselves. I say “most of us are human” because I secretly suspect that those who don’t have ups and downs might actually be robots, aliens (Vulcun?), or superheroes. I confess that sometimes I want to pinch them or take a blood sample. Most of the rest of us are humans, which means we struggle a bit, even though not everyone describes it at Facebook or in a blog.
People have different ways of coping and release (even robots, aliens, and superheroes). One of my ways of coping when I am feeling sorry for myself is to throw a Pity Party. Here is how I do it and also my guidelines:
No one can throw a Pity Party for another person. We have to be careful to not be insensitive or callous. There is real heartbreak out there, deep pain, and scary stuff like cancer. I think it’s ok to be sad in a sad situation, to groan when we are in pain, or to be scared when the situation is scary. I even think it’s ok if a person feels a scream building up inside, to go out and scream with all his might, as loudly as possible, just to release the pressure. But not where people might hear and call the police.
These emotions are not self-pity. When my son’s beloved cat died years ago and he said, “I’m feeling really sad,” I responded with “It is very sad that your cat died, so go ahead and be sad for a while.” When he currently says, “I hate this hospital procedure” or “I’m scared,” I reply, “I hate it too.” or “It’s a scary thing, but we are here.” His emotions are valid.
However, I confess that over the years when my son has wailed about a miniscule paper cut, I have been known to callously say, “Suck it up, Cupcake.” I mean, I couldn’t even see the cut with a microscope. And when I’ve complained about something minor, my family has said the same to me.
I usually throw a Pity Party when I recognize that I am mired in feeling sorry for myself. I think a person can be as simple or creative as they wish when planning their parties. A person can invite guests but usually I only invite myself to my Pity Parties. It’s difficult to feel sorry for myself if there are other guests. Usually, I just start humming my Pity Party Song, which is just a couple of lines of an old song: “It’s my Party, and I can cry if I want to, cry if I want to, cry if I want to…you would cry too if it happened to you.” There are a lot of other cool Pity Party songs out there. For example, If It Weren’t For Bad Luck, I’d Have No Luck at All was song on a 1970’s TV program called HeeHaw. It’s wonderful. I love the dramatic groans. EJ says that when he or his siblings were feeling sorry for themselves, their Mom used to sing, “Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I’ll go eat worms.” Then there is “Sometimes I Feel Like a Motherless Child” and “Nobody’s Seen the Troubles I’ve Seen.” The last song should be sung in the lowest voice possible.
The only time I threw a Pity Party for a friend was when she, herself, told me that she was feeling sorry for herself. I exclaimed, “Oh! Oh! Can I Throw You a Pity Party?” She said I could so I sent her pictures of Pity Party balloons and cupcakes on Facebook. We had so much fun celebrating her self-pity that we laughed and the party was totally ruined.
Which is the whole point. The value of a Pity Party, whether I invite others or only myself, is that it causes me to make fun of myself, to see the humor of my misery, and to distract my mind. Soon I am back to seeing my situation more positively. I suppose that if you want to get all technical and psychological, I’ve read that it is sometimes help to engage in pity for a little while so you can face it, deal with it, and move on. The goal is to not get stuck in misery. A Pity Party is a way to release tension and stress.
Of course, I believe strongly in the Bible and prayer, and I believe those are absolutely necessary to help. But I also believe that we can use other measures as well. Sometimes the best spiritual help is practical help. As James 2:15-17 says:
Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food, and someone says to him, “Shalom! Keep warm and eat hearty!” without giving him what he needs, what good does it do? Thus, faith by itself, unaccompanied by actions, is dead.
Sometimes what we need is a way to release tension and a reason to laugh.
WWJE
My blog is called “I Love To Go A Gardening” so I thought I ought to throw in something garden-ish: A month or so ago–a lifetime ago–I dug up a few herbs from my garden and I bought a couple more from the Farm Market. I really hoped to be able to have fresh herbs all winter long. This morning as I opened the curtains, I noticed that several of the plants are yellowing and shriveling up. Oops, bummer, and oh well. I have been neglecting to water them enough, but I’ve had other things to think about.
“Well,” I thought with a bit of humor, “at least I am remembering to feed the pets.” Then I remembered that I was late giving my dog Danny his pill. He hasn’t been feeling well. I took him to the vet about a week ago and the vet said that Danny’s lungs aren’t clear so he gave me antibiotics to give him. I have to give him a pill twice a day and a capsule three times a day. Danny has been taking the pill well enough, but he spits out the capsule so I have been feeding it to him with a little bit of leftover meatloaf. He loves the meatloaf enough that he gobbles it and the capsule down. However, this morning I only had a morsel of meatloaf left, and it apparently wasn’t enough because he spit the capsule out on the floor. So I looked around and saw crackers on the counter and thought, “that will do.” When I turned back around, I saw that Danny must have picked up the capsule again (he eats anything that falls to the ground) and spit it out again, only this time he had spit it out on the cat. The pill was stuck to Little Bear’s fur. LOL. I did finally get Danny to eat the med sandwiched in cracker. That made me laugh.
Last night I felt overwhelmed, stressed, fragile, and panicky. I did not feel panicky about my son’s prospects. (Although sometimes what he is experiencing scares me.) From what I hear, there is a HUGE reason to hope. A lot of people survive this type of cancer. It’s kind of cool that EJ works with this guy who never told anyone that he had had cancer a few years ago but for some reason he suddenly began to pour out his heart to EJ a few days ago. Co-workers tend to pour out their heart to my hubby. At the time, the co-worker didn’t know that our son was just diagnosed with cancer. It turns out that he had the very same type of cancer that JJ has, only much worse, and he survived. He has become a valuable encouragement and resource for EJ.
No, I didn’t feel overwhelmed, stressed, fragile, and panicky about JJ, but about what on earth I’m supposed to feed him.
EJ’s Mom always cooked from scratch when he was growing up, so he loves homemade food. I’ve tried, more and more and as much as possible, to make homemade. Since we’ve married, we’ve never bought many prepackaged meals, although we haven’t eaten as healthy as we could have either. In recent years we have tried to improve our eating habits. We absolutely think food has an affect on our bodies. After reading about pink slime in beef, honey that has all the good stuff filtered out, GMOs and pesticides, we read labels more, buy our meat at a meat market most of the time, and buy organic as much as possible. I grow most of the herbs I use. I even buy cinnamon sticks and ginger and grind them myself.
We also “like” pages on Facebook about healthy and unhealthy foods and processes so that we can learn to eat more healthy. And that’s the problem. There’s a ton of information out there, pouring into our brains. It can be a bit overwhelming. It’s hard to make major changes all at once, so I’ve been trying to take it slower, one step at a time, changing this and tweaking that. But still, we have eliminated a lot of foods and ingredients from our diet. I no longer can mentally think of the recipes I can make with the ingredients I have in my fridge and pantry. I have to think more intentionally about my menu and go searching on-line for things to make. It’s sort of stressful.
Some people love to cook. Cooking is their “warm fuzzy,” their therapy, their artistic expression. Cooking to them is like writing, reading, walking, or gardening is to me. Cooking to me is sort of like mowing the lawn. I can do it well enough, I don’t hate it, I can find pleasure in it, but it’s something on my To Do List, not on my “If I could do anything I wanted, I’d do this” List. In fact, if I were wealthy, one of the first things I’d do is hire a chef. Let him or her worry about what to have for dinner.
But now JJ is sick and there’s all these resources about how to fight cancer naturally, and juicing, and all that. It’s too much. I ranted to EJ in frustration last night that according to all the sources, meat, dairy, bread, sugar, rice, noodles and canned tomatoes are all very bad. That leaves fruits and veggies–but we must be careful about GMOs and toxic pesticides. I used to LOVE fruits and veggies but a lot of them are tasteless to me these days. We speculate that it could be the GMOs or the fact that farmers harvest them before they are ripe so that they don’t rot on the way to where they are being shipped. Whatever, they just don’t taste as well as they used to. I do my best to cook tasty nutritious meals, but I just don’t have all that much to work with anymore. When I do find a usable recipe, JJ doesn’t always like it. I feel as if the only ingredients I have to work with are ground beef, potatoes, and carrots. Not entirely true, of course, but if I have one more meal of ground beef, potatoes, and carrots, I think I’m going to VOMIT.
Cooking is becoming a stress-filled ordeal.
And now my son is sick and he’s scary thin. He needs to have some meat on his bones, especially if he gets sick from chemo. He is deciding to have the treatment the doctors recommend. This is his battle, he must believe in the treatment, and we will support his choices completely.
But “What the *^$!@&# am I supposed to feed him???” I swore in panic last night. Ok, I never swear and I really didn’t swear last night, but I did briefly imagine swear symbols. As EJ sometimes quotes, “Some situations are bad enough to make even a preacher swear”…or think in swear symbols.
So we talked about it. All three of us. With a bit of humor. JJ said that he found a list of foods that cause or feed cancer on the Internet, and really the only thing that he can eat is soy cakes. “Soy is bad for you,” his Dad quipped. I said that there actually were two types of foods that I have heard only good about and nothing bad. What’s that? “Herbs and spices.” “I am freakin’ not going to just eat herbs and spices,” JJ exclaimed dramatically.
EJ and I developed a plan, a plan customized to our situation. We decided that a good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow. JJ absolutely needs to eat and fatten up. He needs food that appeals to him. What’s the use of trying to find only completely healthy foods if JJ won’t eat them? In the battle to overcome cancer, I don’t want him to starve to death. This morning I told EJ that I didn’t even know what meals to plan for anymore. We should go shopping, but what am I even supposed to buy? “How about ground beef, potatoes, and carrots?” he asked innocently. I gave him a dirty look and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
So while JJ slept this morning, EJ and I drove to the grocery store. We tried to buy the healthiest options that were available–organic if possible–of the foods that would appeal to JJ. Our main consideration is buying foods that will tempt JJ to eat heartily. Our slogan has become WWJE…What Would JJ Eat? We actually had quite a bit of fun shopping today: “Oh, I think he would enjoy this!” or “This looks interesting. Let’s buy it and see if he likes it.”
I actually feel a great sense of relief now. Uncertainty always fills me with vague looming anxiety–similar to the feeling of having a term paper worth half my grade due on Monday, and I hadn’t begun it. It’s like hearing a crunching and rustling in the forest and not knowing what it is. But now I have direction, a plan, a goal. My stress about food is reduced. Whew.
The next uncertainty concerns JJ’s college. I had been in contact with the college, but until our appointment with the doctor I didn’t know if JJ needed further treatment or not so I didn’t know if he should withdraw from his classes. I tried to ask the doctor how chemo will likely affect him and whether he will feel well enough to work and go to school. “Now don’t go doing anything rash, don’t go cancelling everything. We aren’t at that point yet…” Grrrr. I hate a person acting as if every question I ask means I am imagining the worse and falling apart. Maybe I am expressing myself wrong or something, but my questions are valid. We need to have answers so we can prepare ourselves and formulate plans. Thinking things through, preparing ourselves, and developing a plan does NOT lead to MORE stress in our lives, it leads to LESS. Duh. I realize that we don’t have a specific treatment plan yet, but I need to have some general idea of what to expect because I need to deal with the college. If it’s likely that JJ will not feel well enough, we need to withdraw him from his classes now, not later when it’s too late to have any hope of him receiving an incomplete. An Incomplete means he can retake the classes within the next year without paying for them again. THAT’S what I was trying to ask the doctor about.
Since the doctor appointment, I have decided that JJ is not up to college, it will be too stressful for him, so I will withdraw him and go from there.
Next, I told my guys that we must think of activities that will help us relieve stress. We must have fun in our lives. Something fun for us, that is. We don’t really enjoy visiting tourist places filled with crowds and expensive trinkets. I, in particular, am introspective and energized by quiet. I love writing, walks with my dog, working in the garden, reading/studying, and my computer. EJ works hard and suffers from severe back pain and other problems, so he often needs time to rest his body. When he’s not in agony, we often have to shop, or do things around the house, or gather firewood, or other such things. JJ loves his computer and the interaction of his friends there. Plus, he will likely not be feeling well if he has chemo. So what do we do for fun? EJ and I discussed that we all love movies, so we are strongly considering buying Amazon Prime, which includes being able to download thousands of movies. Beyond that, we are still thinking. But at least we are formulating a plan.
Addressing the food issues has decreased a lot of my stress. Getting the college issue out of the way will reduce stress even more. And we are working on the issue of stress relievers.
I love it when a plan comes together.
I Love To Go A Gardening 