I Love To Go A Gardening
Growing Our Life in Northern Michigan
The Bald Eagle
Even though JJ is done with Chemo, he still has to get his weekly blood draws for a while. So this morning we all got up at about 8 a.m. JJ was grumpy about having to get up early (he is a night owl, not a morning person) and he was not happy about having to have his blood drawn. For a bit he rebelled, “I am NOT going. No.” He said later that having his blood drawn makes him feel like he’s still having Chemo. But at last we were all in the car and on our way.
We were driving through the next town, ten miles away, when I saw a bird soaring overhead. Usually I would have assumed it was a hawk or a crow or something, but I’ve recently heard reports on FB of bald eagles being seen in our area. EJ has said that he has seen them too. I have seen bald Eagles in zoos, of course, but the only time I saw them in the wild was when we visited friends in Iowa and we saw a bunch of bald eagles as we crossed into Minnesota while sight-seeing. I have never, ever seen bald eagles in our area. But remembering that people have seen bald eagles, I looked at the soaring bird intently and then the sun lit up his white head and tail feathers. “OH! OH! I SEE A BALD EAGLE!” I exclaimed. I was so excited. I had my camera with me but I was too busy watching the eagle to pause to take a picture.
We have cougars in our area too. For several years people said they saw cougars in Michigan while the Michigan Department of Natural Resources denied it, but finally it was confirmed. EJ and JJ have seen glimpses of them, and we have several friends who have seen them, but I have never seen one. I am always looking the wrong way to see glimpses of cool thing like cougars. So I was thrilled that I saw the eagle.
The guy who took JJ’s blood today was the one who has the sign in the room that says “Vampire on Duty.” If I had his job, I would have such a sign too. I think we made him laugh with our banter.
After we left the lab, we went to the bakery for challah bread. When we don’t have to go to the lab on Fridays then I will make my own challah bread for Shabbat again. I love making challah bread. Besides it feeling so satisfying to make such a beautiful, artistic bread, it prepares my heart for Shabbat. I love saying the traditional blessings in both Hebrew and English as I divide the dough and prepare to braid it:
ברוך אתה ײ אלהינו מלך העולם המוציא לחם מן הארץ
Baruch attah Adonai, Elohaynu, melech ha-olam ha-motzi lechem min ha-aretz.
Blessed are You, Lord our G-d, King of the universe, who brings forth bread from the earth.
But until I have Fridays free to make my own Challah bread, it’s really fun to stop at the bakery. As we approached the store, EJ pointed to a sign in the window: “Help Kneaded.” Ha, ha. As soon as we walked in the door, we were offered generous samples of several different items. I chose a sample of a cinnamon roll, I think JJ chose cinnamon bread, and EJ had oatmeal cookie. Then we selected our two loaves of challah bread, we bought a loaf of wheat bread, and we bought a pumpkin roll, which I have been hungry for since I sampled it during our first visit to the bakery. They have been out of it every time we stopped after that. Pumpkin rolls are very delicious.
I would have liked to stop to buy some bird seed, but we didn’t have time. The birds eat like pigs, but I really, really enjoy watching them. They bring me a lot of delight. Birds are cool.
After the bakery, we drove to the meat market and then we drove home. I brought in the day’s firewood and prepared our Shabbat meal.
After EJ left for work, I took Danny for a walk. I think the temperatures had dipped below zero overnight, but it had warmed up to 12 degrees. It was a chilly walk, but I am enjoying walking Danny again after all those weeks of not being able too. I like cold more than hot. At the end of our walk, I dropped Danny at home and then walked to the post office and the library. I was hoping to borrow some of the movies that have just been released to DVD, but they were already checked out by others. I kind of figured they would be.
Now I am sitting here, relaxing, and enjoying the heat of the wood stove.
Exercise
It’s nice to have a week without any Chemo.
Yesterday morning I went to the grocery story in a nearby town to pick up a few things. I was really surprised to see employees busy in every aisle. At first I thought they were doing inventory, but then I realized that they were pulling items off the shelves and whole shelves were empty. I asked an employee what they were doing, and she told me that they were extending the shelving and rearranging the store. It was very difficult to do shopping with employees and customers crowding the aisles and so few items available on the shelves. EJ stopped at the same store on his way home and he was told that the store was going to sell more organic foods. I look forward to that.
While I was at the store, EJ fixed lunch. It was mostly ready by the time I got home. It’s nice to have a husband who enjoys cooking.
Last week the temperatures were in the 40s so some of the snow melted into slushy pools. Then the temps got cold again and everything froze. Now the sidewalks are very icy and treacherous to walk on. Tonight the temps are supposed to get even colder–down to 4 degrees tonight and -9 tomorrow. There is a winter advisory out that warns that the weather will become hazardous with around an inch of new snow, wind gusts of 30-35 mph causing blowing snow, and wind chills to 20 below zero. Brrrr.
Today the skies were blue, but I saw a rainbow. There most be ice crystals in the atmosphere. I tried to take a picture of the rainbow, but it didn’t show up in the photographs.
After weeks sitting for hours and days at the cancer center, I am determined to get back in shape. I have been walking Danny every day and EJ joins us whenever we can. Danny loves to be walking again and dances around when he sees me get the leash. The cold makes my face burn as we walk, but it feels really good. When the weather gets warmer, we hope to take longer walks together.
In the afternoons I have been making myself get on the treadmill. My friend in Texas also wants to exercise so we talk to each other on the phone while we both huff and puff on our treadmills and groan that we are going to die. It’s nice to be able to exercise together, even if we are in different states, because we encourage and motivate each other to keep going.
JJ is still not feeling well, but he is feeling better every day.
Future Plans
Both Saturday and Sunday I sat down and began to write a post, but I never finished them. For some reason, an intense week of Chemo really tires us and it takes several days before we regain any energy. We have been sleeping late, taking naps, and watching a marathons of Downton Abbey. We have heard a lot about this BBC series from friends, but have only just started watching it on Amazon Prime.
Friday was JJ’s last day of Chemo, but it will take him a few days to feel well. He is so tired of being sick and taking medications so he tried not taking the anti-nausea meds. I thought it was too soon, but I can’t force the pills down his throat, and I can understand his being tired of them. He battled nausea all weekend. Yesterday he came out into the kitchen, sat in a chair, and said, “I feel dizzy and I think I am going to pass out.” I called to EJ to help me get JJ back to his couch when JJ began to heave. He made it to the wastebasket, but he was there for quite some time vomiting. Poor guy.
To encourage ourselves, we keep exclaiming, “No more Chemo! No more running to the Cancer Center every day! No more hours in the Infusion Room. Soon there will be no more nausea!” We also exclaim that soon JJ’s hair should start growing back. We’ve heard that the hair can grow back as a different texture or color. We wonder what it will look like when it comes back. Black? Red? Blonde? Brown? Straight? Curly? Fine? Thick? Soft? Wiry?
We just have one more major hurdle to get over: the surgery in Indianapolis. We are sort of in limbo right now because it hasn’t yet been scheduled. The nurse told us to expect a call to schedule the surgery any day. Once it gets scheduled, we will start making plans and calling the insurance company and all that. I am dreading dealing with the insurance company if they refuse to pay for JJ’s surgery because it’s “out of network.” I think it’s appalling that we pay all this money for insurance and then they refuse to pay for procedures we need. It seems like a scam to me. If I pay for a product, I ought to be able to get it without a fight. Insurance companies always reminds me of the scene in “The Incredibles.” I hope we will find a Mr. Incredible to help us if we need him.
JJ is concerned about the discomfort of a five hour trip home after the surgery, so we have begun discussing the possibility of renting a conversion van or small RV so he can have a more comfortable ride home.
A local friend told me that she’d come take care of our cats when we are gone. She loves cats so I know that she will take very good care of ours. She offered to take Danny home with her, but I do not know how he will react to small children. I’d prefer to have him stay at home in familiar surroundings but he’d need to be let outside twice a day. My friend could let him out once when she cared for the cats, but she has a large family and I think it would be too much to ask for her to stop by two times a day. I’d need another person to him out second time. I’ll probably end up having him boarded at our vets. He can endure it for the few days we will be gone.
Those are the things we are considering.
As busy and tired as we have been running to the Cancer Center, we haven’t had time to exercise and I feel flabby and slushy. I’m looking forward to walking Danny again and getting into shape. So is EJ. Yesterday I walked on the treadmill for an hour, and EJ and I walked Danny. It was icy and slippery outside, but as the weather warms we are determined to get into shape.
We still have a lot of cold and snow outside, but my thoughts are turning more and more to Spring. I have had so much fun watching the birds that I am hoping to “birdscape” the yard to attract more birds. This includes intentionally planting things to attract birds and putting in more bird feeders and houses. Little-by-little I am going to put more feeders up outside our living room windows and little-by-little I am going to put up more houses outside the kitchen window.
We installed one bird house outside the kitchen window last spring. I wanted to add a couple more this spring, so a few weeks ago I searched Amazon.Com. for birdhouses. Most of the reviews for bird houses there were negative: They were not well made, they were flimsy, they split where they were stapled. So I expanded my Internet search. After much searching, I finally found The Birdhouse Depot. The prices were very reasonable, the products were made in the USA, and they looked well-made. They offer kits or assembled houses, and bargain or deluxe models. The deluxe models have vents and removable sections so they can be cleaned. I ordered two of a deluxe multi-family house called “Clearwater.” They arrived on Saturday. They exceeded my expectations. I highly recommend them. Here is a peak inside the deluxe house. As you can see from the video below, it is very luxurious. Only the best for our birds:
Ok, maybe not 🙂 But the houses are so pretty and well-made, and I was so pleased with them that I wrote an email to the owners to tell them so. They wrote back to thank me and to ask that I send a picture to them when I get them put up. I will do that. I can’t wait to get the houses painted and put up, but I have to wait to paint them until smells don’t bother JJ and I can’t install them until it gets a little warmer. The ground needs to be soft so we can put up posts.
It will be so much fun to work in the garden and watch the birds.
Cancer Center Goodbyes
Today was a very special day because it was JJ’s very last day of Chemo. I think the three months of cancer took forever to get through and yet also went very fast.
Today JJ had a nurse we had never seen before. Pamela told us that she works in the radiation part of the Cancer Center, but usually helps out in the Chemo part every other Friday. We just never were in Chemo on the same Fridays as she was. At first I felt disappointed that on this last day we didn’t have one of our regular nurses, but Pamela was kind and funny and we were glad to have met her.
It was sort of a bittersweet day. We are overjoyed to be done with Chemo, of course. Cancer is a nasty, horrible, no good disease and Chemo is rough, especially with the intense regiment that JJ had. It’s rough on the cancer patient and rough on the families.
However, the medical staff was awesome. They were kind and compassionate, cheerful and supportive during a very difficult journey. It’s sort of hard to say “goodbye” to them. All day they were saying “This is your last day! Yay!” At the end of the day, Pamela gave Jared a rose and a little plaque with “Ten Commandments of Cancer Survivorship” on it as a goodbye gift from the Chemo staff to him. That was unexpected and sweet. Many of the staff also gave him hugs. We will stop in to say “hi” to them during follow-up visits with the oncologist.
I took pictures of all the medical staff who had cared for JJ. I didn’t let any of them escape. Well, most of them. Some weren’t here today, so I wasn’t able to get their pictures. Bummer. But at least I got pictures of most of them. (You can click on the pictures to make them larger and to read the captions.)
JJ isn’t feeling well today, and he will still have a rough day or two, but once the Chemo gets out of his body he should start to feel better. Now he just needs to have some medical tests and a visit with the oncologist. At that time we will learn more about where we stand with this cancer. JJ will also need to have surgery to remove the cancerous lymph nodes.
Thursday
We made it through yesterday’s Chemo ok. JJ hasn’t been feeling very well this week, but he hasn’t been vomiting so that’s good.
I slept in EJ’s lazy boy chair last night. It’s easier to sleep near JJ so when my alarm goes off to give him his anti-nausea med, I can get up, give him the med, and go back to sleep without fully waking up. About 5 a.m. our cat Kee-Kee woke me when he crawled onto my neck and fell asleep. Lately he has preferred to sleep up near my face. It’s sort of difficult to sleep with a heavy cat on my neck, but also kind of interesting. Little Bear and Luke were also sleeping on me, one on my legs and one on my lap. I love cats sleeping on me.
We had to be at the Cancer Center at 8:30 a.m. again today. We were in Room 4 today. Sue was our primary nurse. She is one of our favorite nurses. She told us that she was glad she was able to care for him today, because she hasn’t been his nurse for a while. She said that JJ is one of their favorite patients and the nurses all “fight” over who gets to care for him. She said they all say”I will take care of him today,” “No, I will!” “No, me!” It’s nice to hear that about my son. JJ is always really polite to the nurses and thanks them whenever they do anything for him.
Tomorrow is JJ’s last week of Chemo. All the medical staff has been commenting that this is his last week. Today the doctor’s secretary stopped in JJ’s room to give us the appointment times for JJ’s CT scan, Pulmonary Function Test, and next appointment with the oncologist. She also said we should be getting a call soon from the hospital in Indianapolis to set up a date for JJ’s surgery.
Nasty weather was forecast for us today: freezing drizzle, heavy fog, high winds, and thunderstorms. I was concerned that the drive in would be slippery, but the bad weather had not yet reached us so the drive was uneventful. It snowed very heavily for a couple of hours, and there were reports of “thunder snow” in many counties but we didn’t hear any in the Cancer Center. Bummer. Shortly before we left the Cancer Center it began to drizzle. EJ said it was quite slippery on the way home, but he drives so skillfully that I couldn’t tell.
After we got JJ settled at home, I walked to the post office, the bank, and the little store. The sidewalks were all slushy. I’m hoping it doesn’t get cold tonight before EJ gets home from work so he doesn’t have to drive home on icy roads. We could also get rain, which could cause flooding, and high winds. I will be glad when EJ is safe at home.
Tuesday
This morning we again had to be at the Cancer Center at 8:30 a.m. We had about five or six inches of new snow, but EJ had no problem getting us to our destination.
We were in Infusion Room 9 today. It’s the first time we have been in this particular room. It was much like the other rooms except it didn’t have any windows. I do hate not being able to see outside, but oh, well.
Today the oncologist stopped by to see JJ. He asked him a few questions about his health, listened to his breathing, and so on. Then he told us that he wants to see JJ two weeks after his chemo ends. Before his appointment, JJ has to have a CT Scan, a Pulmonary Function Test to examine his breathing (Chemo can affect his lungs), and a blood test to measure the cancer markers in his blood. The nurse will set up all these appointments for us. So although JJ won’t be having any more Chemo after this week, our schedule will still be quite busy.
After the doctor makes sure everything is ok, JJ will be scheduled to have surgery in Indianapolis to remove the cancerous lymph node in his back. JJ often mentions how much he dreads it.
Usually JJ feels pretty well during an intense week of Chemo until about Wednesday. This time, however, he didn’t feel well after his Monday session, and he feels worse today. He is looking pale and sickly, and his face is sad. His eyes look like a suffering puppy dog’s eyes. It wrings my heart. This is going to be a long week.
But two days of his last week of Chemo is finished and there are only three more left.
Last Week
Yesterday we had a relatively quiet morning. Well, except for the hawk. It twice tried to catch its breakfast at our bird feeder. The birds all were in a panic to get away and some of them sort of hit the window. The second time I saw the hawk sitting on the branch of a nearby camera. I grabbed my camera and was able to take one picture before it flew away. We googled the hawk to learn what kind it is, and our best guess is that it is a female Cooper’s hawk. I don’t like the hawk eating our song birds, but the hawk has to eat too and it sure is beautiful.
Sunday afternoon EJ and I went on a sort of date. We went to the store that is sort of like a farmer’s market and bought a few items. Mostly we went not because we really needed anything but because we wanted to get out and spend time together. EJ suffers from Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), which is a sort of “winter blues” that happens during this time of year because of lack of sunshine. EJ used to have a full-spectrum light that mimics the light of sunshine but he gave it away to a friend who needed it more. So instead we just got out of the house for a while. We love driving around, and browsing through interesting stores, and just hanging out. While we were gone, JJ enjoyed his online friends and gaming.
We enjoy going to the market. There are a lot of interesting fruits and veggies, food and flowers there that we enjoy. Sometimes there is live music (but not yesterday) and we always get a cup of free coffee from the large selection of gourmet coffees they offer. I get overwhelmed by too many choices of coffee so EJ always has fun choosing my coffee for me. Yesterday he selected red velvet coffee, which was really yummy. Later we went to a sporting good store to browse and then to a grocery store to pick up a few items. It was fun.
When we got home, we put away the groceries, did our chores, and then watched Foley’s War, a series we have just discovered on Netflix. It is set during World War 2 and is very interesting.
Today JJ began his final week of Chemo. We had to be at the Cancer Center at 8:30 a.m. so we left home at 7:30 a.m. Because his third cycle was so rough, JJ was really dreading this week. He was sort of hoping that his white blood cell count would be too low for him to have Chemo this week, but they were high. That’s good because this is really his final week of Chemo. We are in the homestretch.
We were put in Infusion Room 3 today, which is a nice room with windows. It was a private room. The couple who I attended church with all through my childhood was also at the Cancer Center today. Their kids are about the same age as I am. I haven’t seen this couple for probably about 25 years or more. They were in the room next to ours, so I stopped in to talk to them for a while. The wife has Stage 4 breast cancer. She is halfway through her treatment, but she only has to have Chemo one day a month, which is why we haven’t encountered them before.
We are used to the beeping of IV machines and the beeping of the call buttons, but today at noon there was a different sort of beeping and lights started flashing from the ceilings. A nurse told us that it was a fire drill as she shut our door, but we heard a fire engine siren a few minutes later. Later a nurse said that the fire alarm had gone off and they were waiting for the fire department to give them the “all clear.” Meanwhile, they shut all the Infusion Room doors. So we had a bit of excitement today.
Just before we left the Cancer Center, it started to snow. The weather forecasts seem to vary a bit, but it looks as if we could get 3-5 inches of snow. Hopefully that won’t might our drive to the Cancer Center too difficult.
In previous cycles JJ has pretty felt well until midweek, but tonight he complained of nausea and he lay down and fell asleep, so I think this is going to be a long week for him. However, this is HIS VERY LAST WEEK of Chemo. He has only four more days to go.
The Survivor
This week has been a relatively quiet week. I did my daily chores. EJ went to work. I cuddled the cats and fed the birds. I also walked Danny twice. I haven’t been able to walk Danny very much since JJ was diagnosed cancer because either we were running here and there, or JJ wasn’t feeling well, or the temperature was below zero with frigid wind chills. But this week life was relatively quiet and temps weren’t that bad so I walked my dog. Danny was filled with joy because he loves walking, and I was filled with joy too because I also love to walk.
Today was the day for JJ’s weekly trip to the lab. We again drove to the lab near the bakery so we could stop in afterwards and buy Challah Bread for Shabbat. We were also going to get a pumpkin roll, but they didn’t have any today. Apparently they don’t have a set time to make pumpkin rolls so we have to just happen to be at the bakery when they just happen to have some available. They offer to make some for us, but we declined because we live too far away.
We had an awesome encounter at the lab. EJ was behind JJ and me as we walked through the parking lot to the lab. He caught up with us said with awe, “Did you see that car back there? The license plate and magnetic ribbons on the car says it belongs to a survivor of the U.S.S. Indianapolis.” I didn’t realize the significance at first because although I, like EJ and JJ, enjoy history, the names and types of ships and planes don’t stick in my mind. But stories do, and as soon as EJ reminded me, I remembered the story.
On July 26, 1945, the world’s first operational atomic bomb was delivered by the Indianapolis to the island of Tinian. The Indianapolis then reported to CINCPAC (Commander-In-Chief, Pacific) Headquarters at Guam for further orders. She was directed to join the battleship USS Idaho (BB-42) at Leyte Gulf in the Philippines to prepare for the invasion of Japan. The Indianapolis departed Guam without escort.
Shortly after midnight on July 30,1945, midway between Guam and Leyte Gulf, the Indianapolis was hit by two torpedoes from a Japanese submarine. The first torpedo blew away the bow, the second struck near midship on the starboard side adjacent to a fuel tank and a powder magazine. The explosion split the ship to the keel, knocking out all electric power. Of the 1,196 aboard, about 900 made it into the water in the twelve minutes before she sank. Few life rafts were released. Most survivors wore the standard kapok life jacket. After almost five days of constant shark attacks, starvation, terrible thirst, suffering from exposure and their wounds, the men of the Indianapolis were at last rescued from the sea. Only 317 were rescued.
As we entered the lab we saw an old man and his wife were sitting in the waiting room. They looked like all the other people we’ve seen in waiting rooms. But the man had on a hat that said, “U.S.S. Indianapolis Survivor” on it. When the wife’s name was called to go back to the Blood Draw room, EJ helped her up, and he quietly thanked the Survivor for his service to our country.
After we got home, I read that as of August 2013, 38 of the Indianapolis’ 317 survivors are still alive. Now in their 80s and 90s, many are in poor health. We had just met one of these men. It’s incredible what he endured and survived.
Wow.
This encounter reminded me again that everyone has a story. And you never know what story you might be sitting next to.
If you’d like to read more, here are some links to the story of the U.S.S. Indianapolis, including eyewitness stories of survivors:
http://www.eyewitnesstohistory.com/indianapolis.htm
http://www.ussindianapolis.org/story.htm
There is also a movie about the incident called “Mission of the Shark” It can be found at both Netflix and Amazon.
Pampered Fun
My friend told me that she had given me a Fairy Godmother gift because I had laughingly told her that I sometimes feel like Cinderella. When JJ isn’t feel well, he is fretful and can’t settle down and needs attention–like meds, or something to drink, or a vomit bucket. That is understanding, and I don’t mind caring for him.
The problem is the pets. Our pets have always been given lots of love and attention, so they love it. They are sort of like toddlers. They follow us around and want loving attention. Luke grabs my arm when I walk past a chair. He runs in front of me and into the bathroom to let me know he wants food. He does this several times. I sit down and Danny says he wants out so I go to the back door and he stands there wagging his tale like, “What? I didn’t want nuthin!” He repeats this two more times until I say, “You WILL go out. NOW!” I sit on the couch with a bowl of cereal or popcorn and Little Bear decides to jump up on my lap and he doesn’t settle down but tries to grab my bowl. Kee-Kee pats my arm to show he wants lovings. Timmy pokes me because he wants to be picked up and held. I finally beg, “Please! I am tired. Just let me BE for a bit.”
All these demands from the pets make me feel like Cinderella. So my Fairy Godmother gave me thoughtful gifts so that I could shut the bathroom door and soak into a relaxing bath and pamper myself.
I am having fun with the gifts.
One of the gifts was a gel mask to soothe away tension. It is very pretty. I put it on this morning and JJ asked, “Why are you wearing a mask?” I said, “Because I’m a superhero. This hides my alter ego. When I wear the mask, you don’t know me.” My husband said, “Let me tell you, if you wear that thing in public, I DEFINITELY won’t know you.” See? Superhero masks really do work.
A few minutes later, I went into the bathroom, poured some lavender scented Dead Sea Bath Crystals into the bathtub and turned on the hot water. Then I rubbed some Dead Sea Face Mud on my face. It really did look like mud. I sunk into the hot water and just relaxed. Ahhhhh. I was going to read a book while I soaked, but I couldn’t see the words without my glasses and I couldn’t put my glasses on because of the Mud. Oh, well, I just relaxed. Luke had come into the bathroom with me to munch on his Very Special Cat Food. When he finished eating, he sat on the edge of the tub and tried to harass me, but it was still relaxing. I felt so pampered.
When I finished my bath and got dressed in my PJs, I came out into the living room still wearing the mud on my face because it wasn’t yet time to take it off. JJ saw me. “What do you have on your face?” He asked. “I am a weeping angel,” I announced. “DON’T BLINK! Blink and you’re dead. Don’t turn your back. Don’t look away. And don’t Blink.”
As Doctor Who fans understand, the Weeping Angels are an ancient race of aliens who feed on their victims by sending them back in time, which creates time energy to feed on. When they are not being observed by another being, they can move very quickly and silently, but when they are being observed, they become “quantum-locked,” occupying a single position in space and becoming stone statues. In this state, they are frozen and difficult to destroy. They cannot suppress this reaction. If two Weeping Angels were to look at each other at the same time, they would be trapped in stone form until an outside force moves them apart. To prevent this, they often cover their eyes while moving, which makes them look as though they are weeping. Doctor Who has made angel statues scary.
JJ told his on-line friends that I had “special op” makeup on my face. So I whispered to JJ in a menacing voice, “Fear me.” He laughed and said that I was acting weird and he was beginning to get worried.
LOL. I am having too much fun with my Fairy Godmother gifts.
Earth’s Crammed With Heaven
My alarm went off at 6 a.m. this morning. Ugh. Too early, especially when I didn’t sleep well last night. In fact, none of us slept well. We had to be at the Cancer Center at 8:30 a.m. It is difficult to get up so early, but it’s nice that we got home before noon.
The drive to the Cancer Center this morning was gorgeous. Before the sun peeked over the horizon, it shot up a beacon of light into the sky like a searchlight. When the sun finally showed itself, it was a very vivid flourescent orange. The trees and plants were all clothed in frost, and a heavy fog swirled over the fields. It was beautiful. I kicked myself for forgetting to take along my camera. I had taken it out of my purse the other day so it would be accessible if the hawk visited our bird feeder, and I thought I had forgotten to put it back in my purse. However, when we got home I found that it was in my purse after all. Bummer! The only thing worse than forgetting my camera is thinking I forgot it when I didn’t.
We were in Infusion Room 1 today. It was a small private room, but not as small as some of the rooms. JJ had a two-hour session of Chemo in which he was given Bleomycin. We are now beginning to count “last times.” This is the very last time he will get this particular Chemo drug. Yay!
Our primary nurse today was Janet. All of the nurses have their special strengths. Janet is always really good at explaining to us the results of JJ’s Friday blood draws. She said that JJ’s white blood cell count is quite low, so she went to check with the Oncologist’s nurse, Val, about whether JJ would be able to have Chemo this week. Val said to go ahead with the Chemo, but it’s possible JJ won’t be able to have Chemo next week. I asked why they couldn’t just give JJ an injection this week to raise his white blood cell count rather than wait until next week when his count might be so low that he can’t have Chemo. Janet explained that JJ had had this particular injection last week and it lasts 14 days. Giving him another injection this week would be a waste because his body would just flush it out. Oh, that makes sense. I’m glad I asked.
Janet also told us that JJ’s cancer marker numbers are higher than they were when we first met with the Oncologist. Low is good, high is worse. However, she said that sometimes the numbers fluctuate during Chemo so it’s not abnormal. I was actually hoping the numbers would be zero so JJ wouldn’t need surgery. The oncologist wants to send JJ to Indianapolis to remove the cancerous lymph node because it’s in a tricky place–between his spine and his lung–and he wants a very skilled surgeon who does this type of surgery several times a day to operate on him rather than one who maybe does it once or twice a year. If the surgeon isn’t skilled, he could nick a nerve and JJ could be paralyzed or have other problems. The hospital in Indianapolis is one of the best in the world for this type of Cancer. EJ talked to a co-worker who said the insurance company didn’t pay for his surgery at Indianapolis because it’s out of state and they considered it “out of network.” I pray that either JJ won’t need the surgery or the insurance company will pay for it. Regardless, we will not risk JJ being operated on by anyone except skilled surgeons.
On the way home from the Cancer Center, we stopped at our veterinarian’s because we are almost out of Luke’s Very Special Cat Food and I needed to get another bag. Luke has a urinary problem and will likely have to have this special food for the rest of his life, but he is such a genius cat that he’s worth it.
Since we were all tired, I called ahead and ordered takeout at Chubby’s Cafe. We picked it up on our way home. We also stopped at the post office, and I was surprised to find a package in the mail from my friend. She sent me a box filled with Dead Sea Treatment Exfoliating Mud Mask, Dead Sea Bath Crystals, a soothing beauty mask “for cooling tension relief,” beautiful soft therapeutic slippers that smell of soothing lavender, and a small box of very delicious Swiss chocolates. Accompanying these items was a picture of Cinderella and her Fairy Godmother with the words “Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo.” So I think my friend is my Fairy Godmother. Not everyone has such an awesome Fairy Godmother. I feel very blessed.
I sort of dozed off on the couch but woke in time to hug, kiss, and pray for EJ before he left for work. A few minutes later he called to tell me that the truck had broken down. So rather than go to work, EJ called a towing service and waited for it to arrive. It’s a good thing he had to work this last weekend because it will provide us with extra money. I am glad that the truck didn’t break down on a day when JJ was sick and tired after a long day of Chemo.
While EJ was waiting for the tow truck, I went out and shoveled out the car, which was buried under a ton of snow. We will have to drive the car now, so hopefully the weather won’t get bad for the rest of the winter.
At one time, I would have gotten frustrated at all these challenges and problems. However, EJ and I often discuss that it felt as if our dreams were blocked–because we longed to move to the beautiful North or even how to buy a nearby place in the country, but we just couldn’t figure out how to make it a reality. But we thankfully acknowledge that if we had moved up North, we wouldn’t have been so close to a good hospital for JJ, and if we had bought the house we had our eye on last summer, money would have been very tight and bills harder to pay. So we are glad our “dreams” didn’t happen. Now when things go wrong and dreams are “blocked,” we consider that a loving God is providing for us for needs that we aren’t even aware of yet.
EJ had the truck towed to his friend’s place since the local auto repair shop is too busy to work on it. EJ called me and said that as they rode together in the tow truck, the driver told EJ that he had been having a very tough year and he was discouraged. EJ was able to encourage him. So maybe the truck broke down so EJ could encourage the driver. Who knows?
Life is interesting and mysterious.
On the way to the Cancer Center today, EJ and I discussed how there have been “pivotal points” in our lives. Sometimes these pivotal points seemed quite minor at the time, and sometimes they were heartbreaking, but they completely changed our lives and moved us in a direction that we might not have traveled if it hadn’t been for that event. So who knows what will result because JJ has cancer or because the truck broke down and EJ had to call a tow truck and ended up encouraging him?
I used to have a friend who always questioned how to tell if something was a “God thing” or just a regular everyday event. I really think this friend saw life wrongly. I believe that it’s not that some things are “normal stuff” and other things are “God things.” I think everything, even the smallest, most “normal” seeming things or events are awesome works of God. I like what Albert Einstein said. He said that there are only two ways to live: We can live as if nothing is a miracle or as if everything is. We can live as if nothing is a gift from God or as if everything is.
I think we can lose our sense of wonder and awe if we overlook that God is in even the smallest normal things. I always think that it is sad when people are like a character in Zenna Henderson‘s book Pilgrimage, who said “There is for me no wonder more, except to wonder where my wonder went and why my wonder all is spent.”
I love that my family has never lost our wonder. We always stop and look up when we hear honking geese. We call each other to admire the beautiful weaving of a spiderweb, or the glitter in the snow, the birds at the feeder, or the colors in a rock. We gaze breathlessly at sunsets and stars, streams and fields. I loved that one time as I walked Danny a couple of years ago, I came across a HUGE praying mantis at the side of the road. I called up JJ to tell him about him and asked him if he wanted to see it. He said he did, so he drove the car to where I was and we stood and admired the insect. I love that he was 16-years-old at the time and hadn’t lost his wonder.
One of my favorite poems reflect that nothing is small but earth is crammed with Heaven. The poem is by Elizabeth Barrett Browning:
And truly, I reiterate, . . nothing’s small!
No lily-muffled hum of a summer-bee,
But finds some coupling with the spinning stars;
No pebble at your foot, but proves a sphere;
No chaffinch, but implies the cherubim:
And, — glancing on my own thin, veined wrist, —
In such a little tremour of the blood
The whole strong clamour of a vehement soul
Doth utter itself distinct.
Earth’s crammed with heaven,
And every common bush afire with God:
But only he who sees, takes off his shoes,
The rest sit round it, and pluck blackberries,
And daub their natural faces unaware
More and more, from the first similitude.
I love the song “Creation Calls” by Brian Doerksen which describes how EJ, JJ, and I see the world around us:
Although we have tons of snow, it is February and in another month there will be hints of Spring. Plants and animals will awaken from their sleep. So I have been looking at my garden and considering what I want to do with it when the weather gets warm. I am also thinking about birdhouses and baby birds.
The Hawk
EJ had to go to work this afternoon, but we had a quiet, restful morning together. I made french toast with Challah Bread and then we studied the Parashah, or Scripture portions, together. Afterwards we watched a Netflix movie called “Owd Bob. The story was quite predictable, although pleasant enough, but we mostly watched the movie because it was set in the beautiful Isle of Man. We loved the scenery. We stopped watching before the end of the movie, though, because I suspected that an innocent dog was going to be shot for killing sheep. I couldn’t take it.
Yesterday JJ and I were sitting in the living room when all of a suddenly…WHAM!…a bird slammed into our window where the bird feeders are located. I leaped up and rushed to the window expecting to see an injured bird or two lying on the ground. I was not expecting to see a hawk lifting a mourning dove into the air. Wow! I tried to see where it took the dove, but it quickly flew outside my field of vision.
I imagined what would have happened if the hawk had hit the window that hard in the summer when the screens were in. Would he have knocked the screen out and fallen into the house? What chaos and danger it would be to have a hawk in the house, and a dog, and four cats, and us!!! Yikes!
This morning EJ looked up and saw the hawk sitting on the top of the bird feeder hook just before Timmy rushed the window and scared him away. He said it was a Cooper’s Hawk. I was able to see the hawk fly off into a neighbor’s pine tree across the street, but didn’t see him sitting on the bird feeder. It would have been awesome to see him sitting there, just a couple of feet from our window.
Now I am sitting in EJ’s chair where I can clearly see the bird feeder. I have my camera next to me so I can take pictures of the hawk if he returns. It sort of makes me sad to have a hawk killing the birds, but I think it’s all part of the life and death drama of life. Hawks have to eat too. I never knew that feeding birds could be so dramatic. I think the bird feeder has more suspense and drama than anything on TV.
So that’s pretty much how I am spending my day: Watching the drama at the bird feeder.
Spaced Out
Every day this week, I told myself that I needed to write a post, but that’s as far as it got. I’d sit down with my computer to write and my mind was a blank. It didn’t help that my space bar was/is being resistant. I have to tap my space bar very hard or several times in order to get a space between words. Which means if I try to type as fast as I usually do, mysentencesbecome allruntogether,which isveryannoying. I (tap tap tap) just (tap tap TAP) haven’t (tap tap) been (TAP) motivated (tap tap tap) to (tap tap) make (TAP tap tap) the (TAP) effort (tap tap) to (TAP TAP) put (tap tap tap) spaces (tap TAP) in.
JJ’s third cycle of cancer was very tough. He struggled with a lot of nausea and vomited several times. But Wednesday he finally began to feel better. He is now pretty much back to normal, although he is struggling with mouth sores. He has only one more cycle of chemo left. Yay!!
Tuesday night we got 4-5 inches of new snow. The next morning there were lots of accidents and sections of highways were closed off so we were glad we didn’t have to go anywhere. We have lots of snow on the ground now. I love it when it snows and we can stay home.
Every once in a while my dog Danny begins to shed. His hair is very strange–very thick and sort of like the texture of wool or felt. When he sheds, it comes out in clumps and is all over the house. Each time I brush his hair, I get lots and lots of hair out. Yesterday I brushed his hair two or three times and each time I got out enough to fill a grocery bag. EJ went to throw something away and there was so much hair in the wastebasket that at first he thought it was a cat. The amount of hair Danny sheds is incredible and always amazes me. I don’t know why Danny starts to shed when it’s still cold out, but he does.
This morning we had to go to the city for JJ’s weekly blood draw. The hospital has a dozen labs located around the city. JJ likes going to the same one every time because he knows the staff is skilled and won’t hurt him when they draw his blood. However, we went to a different one today–one located near the bakery. After JJ got his blood drawn, we stopped in at the bakery to buy Challah Bread for Shabbat. JJ always tells me that my Challah bread is much better, but the bakery’s bread is good and it’s nice when I don’t have time to make my own. In addition to the challah bread, we each chose a loaf of bread: I chosen pumpkin bread swirled with cream cheese, EJ chose honey wheat bread, and JJ chose garlic cheese bread. And EJ bought a package of Monster Cookies. Yum.
JJ said, “This garlic cheese bread would taste really good with bologna….” so we went to the meat market for our favorite Old Fashioned All Beef Bologna. I let JJ buy some garlic jack cheese too.
Then we drove back home. We celebrated Shabbat together and our meal was bologna and cheese sandwich on our choice of bread. Not fancy, but good.
After EJ left for work, I walked to the post office. It was COLD. I didn’t realize how cold it would be until I started walking. Brrrrrr. We didn’t have any mail that was good enough to make it worth walking in the cold, but I also stopped at the bank and then to the little store for milk, which did make the walk worthwhile.
Today at the Cancer Center
This morning we had to be at the Cancer Center at 11 a.m. The sky was very blue. The trees and bushes had heavy frost on them and they sparkled in the sunshine. The ground also glittered and sparkled. I commented later that I am always astounded at the detail God put into His creation. He didn’t have to make snow glitter, or many different shades of colors, or mirages that reflect the sky even though there aren’t actually puddles of water. I find these little touches of beauty awesome.
We sat in the waiting room long enough for JJ to fill out his daily blue form indicating how he’s feeling and then Chris, the awesome Patient Care Technician, was at the door exclaiming enthusiastically, “Double J, COME ON DOWN!”
We were in a new room today: Infusion Room 5. It was a private room with a window across from the kitchenette. It was small, but very pleasant. I enjoyed watching people pass our door and stop at the kitchenette. The major topic of conversation today was the Super Bowl and how awful the Broncos were.
Today was JJ’s short session of Chemo. We were at the Cancer Center for only a couple of hours. JJ only had to receive a bag of saline solution and Bleomycin, along with Benadryl and Tylenol. JJ always gets his primary anti-nausea medication injected into his IV during each day of Chemo to prevent nausea, but usually not on days when he only gets Bleomycin. However, because JJ had struggled with nausea all weekend, the nurse injected it into his IV today. Kim was JJ’s primary nurse. She is one of our favorites.
JJ always has his blood pressure and temperature taken at the beginning and ending of each Chemo session. Today his blood pressure was very low, which the nurse said could indicate that he was dehydrated, so she gave him extra fluids. We mentioned that JJ had complained about being a little short of breath yesterday. Bleomycin can affect the lungs, so at the end of his Chemo session the nurse listened to his lungs. She said they sounded good. Because the Chemo tends to lower JJ’s white blood cell count, JJ was given an injection of a med that will boost his production of blood cells. This particular medication makes JJ’s bones ache for several days afterwards so that he’s miserable. So far JJ isn’t aching too badly.
When we got home, we had leftovers for lunch. I was very tired because I hadn’t sleep very well last night. I just couldn’t get comfortable, and then Danny wanted out during the wee hours of the night, and then towards morning I felt cold. I felt very sleepy so I ended up taking a nap for a bit. While I was asleep, JJ had bad diarrhea. Then later, EJ had diarrhea so he took the night off from work. I’ve also been struggling with it a bit. So it looks like we might be getting sick or something. Hopefully JJ won’t have too bad a problem with this. Getting dehydrated could cause him to end up in the hospital–something none of us want.
Mostly we are doing well. This is merely another difficulty with have to deal with and get through.
The Gopher and the Flower
Yesterday was a very bad day for JJ. He was restless and fretful and fought nausea all day. He finally ended up vomiting. A lot of times a person feels better afterwards, but JJ continued to feel nauseous. At bedtime I gave him his third anti-nausea medication. It causes drowsiness so he finally fell asleep and slept all night. Today he felt better, he said, although not GOOD. He was still restless and fretful and somewhat nauseous, just not quite as severe. And some of his eyelashes fell out. We’ve heard from others that the third Cycle of Chemo tends to be rough, and now we have experienced that it is true.
Both EJ and I felt fatigued today and very unmotivated, but there were things we had to do. I fed our “wee beasties”–our dog, cats, and wild birds. I brought in firewood. I cleaned the ashes out of the woodstove. I took out the trash. I folded three baskets of laundered clothes. I did dishes. I swept and mopped the floors. And I cared for JJ. When JJ isn’t feeling well, he doesn’t really know what he wants so he asks for food and then pushes it away, wants ginger ale but then wants water, thinks maybe he should have an anti-nausea pill and “will you cut it in half so I can swallow it?” and “Will you give me a hug?” I have a lot of getting up before I really have time to sit down. But that’s all part of being a caregiver.
We needed a few things from the store–like coffee and disposable coffee cups, eggs, and so on–so EJ left this afternoon to do the shopping for us. He’s very good at grocery shopping, and I was glad that he is so willing to do it. Because he was willing to do the shopping, I refused to let him help me with the other chores. Besides, his back hurts.
Tomorrow we have to be at the Cancer Center at 11 a.m. for a 90 minute session of Chemo. On Friday the nurse informed us that because JJ’s white blood cell count drops during his intense weeks of Chemo, he will also be given an injection to make his bone marrow produce blood cells. The nurse explained to us that there are two different types of injections for this: One makes the bone marrow produce blood cells immediately but it’s not long-lasting. The other takes longer to start producing blood cells, but it is long-lasting. I know that one type makes JJ’s bones ache intensely so that he moans and groans for several days, while the other causes just a slight ache. We think the injection JJ will receive tomorrow is the moan and groan one.
When JJ was small, EJ used to play a drawing game with him. It was a problem-solving, critical-thinking type of game. In the game, EJ drew a picture of a flower and a gopher. One person took the role of the gopher who tried to destroy the flower while the other defended the flower. The “gopher,” for example, might draw rockets falling on the flower, but the “defender” changed the rockets into rain that watered the flower. The “gopher” might draw poison to kill the flower while the defender changed the poison into fertilizer. No matter how the gopher tried to attack the flower, the defender would think of a way to change the attack into something that was harmless or beneficial for the flower.
The Defender is sort of how I see God. I do not believe that God causes things like cancer, and I don’t think He brings difficult things into our lives because He “knows we are strong enough to handle it.” If God gave us difficult things because we are strong, I would be tempted to stay weak so that I wouldn’t have problems. 🙂 The truth is that I know that I am not strong and I cannot handle much of anything. But God is good, and He is loving, and no matter what disease or heartbreak comes into our lives, He is the Defender who weeps with us, helps us, strengthens us, and changes everything into good if we let Him.
Cancer is a destructive, terrible disease, but I believe God loves us and He will change it’s destructiveness in some way so that we become “more than conquerors.”
Why Be Happy?
Yesterday evening JJ felt pretty miserable. Several times he fell asleep on the couch, but then woke a short time later. A few times he had dry heaves. “How long will I feel so bad?” he asked. “How do I get through this?” I told him that we’d manage the best we could, and he WOULD get through this, and he’d probably start feeling better in a day or two.
On the way home from the Cancer Center yesterday, we dropped off JJ’s newest prescription at the Pharmacy. Because JJ was feeling so sick, we didn’t stay to get it filled. Instead, EJ picked it up on his way to work. The nurse had told us that we could give this third anti-nausea medication to JJ at bedtime and it would probably make him sleep all night. She said that I wouldn’t need to wake up in the middle of the night to give JJ his primary med–I could just give it to him went he woke in the morning. So when EJ came home from work, I gave JJ his new med and he did sleep through the night.
Today JJ is still feeling very unwell. 😦
I have been thinking a lot about our roommates yesterday. They made me ponder a lot of interconnected thoughts.
I thought of a portion of Pirkei Avot. Pirkei Avot, which means “Ethics of the Fathers” in Hebrew, is a collection of ancient Jewish ethics and advice. I have studied this book with a group of Messianic Jews and Gentiles like me who love Hebraic teaching. I love Hebraic teaching because it is so practical and there are so many “on the one hand” and “but on the other hand” thoughts. Two opposite things can both be true at the same time, and we have to stay centered between two extremes. There really is a lot of thoughts to think and extremes to live balanced between. I love it. So this post is about different perspectives that were stirred up by our roommates.
One of the bits of wisdom from Pirkei Avot is “judge everyone favorably.” In other words, we don’t always know the whole story so we ought to give others the benefit of the doubt and see them in the best possible light. It could be that our unfriendly roommates had had an awful week, or were in terrible pain, or felt overwhelmed by additional bad news of the woman’s cancer. Who knows?
But Pirkei Avot also teaches “Don’t associate with a bad neighbor.” We are to choose to view people through the best possible perspective. If someone is usually sweet or truthful but appears one day to be nasty or untruthful, we are to give them the benefit of the doubt and consider that maybe they are having a bad day or that the situation is not as it appears. However, if someone consistently lies, is rude, is abusive, etc., we are not to associate with him because that is who he is, a part of his character, and not merely a result of a bad day.
I also pondered that while we all have bad days, or grumpiness, or misery, and we just can’t take any more….our actions do profoundly affect others. On the one hand, I think we must give our roommates the benefit of the doubt and consider that there might be an underlying reason for their unfriendliness that we know nothing about. On the other hand, their unfriendliness caused our own suffering to deepen and made our very difficult week even more difficult. In their desire for privacy, they could have still acknowledged us with a nod or smile that would have conveyed friendliness rather than hostility. We have encountered people who have suffered deeply but still have a kind word for others.
This made me think of a video from Prager University called “Why Be Happy.” It discusses the idea that our negative moods can profoundly affect the people around us and bring them down. While I believe that we can be honest about our lives, and that we all occasionally have bad days, I also believe that we are interconnected and a negative attitude can bring down those around us. We all have a responsibility to do our best not to spread our negative attitudes and increase the suffering of those around us. I like a Jewish saying that says “All Israel is responsible for each other.” This is about Israel, of course, but I do think there is a sense in which people ought not to just live for themselves, they also must live for each other.
These are the thoughts I am thinking today.
All morning the snow has been softly falling. It is very peaceful and beautiful. We are so glad we don’t have to go anywhere. We are enjoying the day of rest.
