I Love To Go A Gardening
Growing Our Life in Northern Michigan
Lost (Again)
For some reason, neither EJ nor I slept well last night. However, we had to get up relatively early to go pick up the rental car.
Before we left, I walked across the street to our neighbors to ask if they’d keep an extra key just in case our pet-sitter got locked out of our house. I don’t expect her to lock herself out, but I like to be prepared for possibilities. My neighbor said she would keep the key so I handed it over to her.
Then we drove to the city to get the rental car. We had both intended to print off the directions and phone number of the rental place, but we had both forgotten. We knew it was located in or near the airport, but wasn’t sure where. Oops. EJ got us to the airport ok, and we didn’t see any rental place in the surrounding buildings, so we parked our car and walked into the airport. We immediately saw an information desk, asked the info guy where the rental company was. he directed us a short distance down the hall. No problem.
With insurance and taxes, the rental fee was a lot more than I expected. Oh well, at least JJ will have a comfortable-ish ride home and we won’t have to worry about the car breaking down.
Some of you might know–but some of you might not know–that I have a superpower. Actually, I think most people would discover that they have superpowers if they would only think about it. EJ’s superpower is Legendary Endurance. He also has a super-smelling nose like Gus on the TV series Psych. I think his Legendary Endurance is awesome, but I do not think that I would like to have a super-smelling nose. It could be pleasant sometimes (like smelling flowers or spices) but very unpleasant at other times.
My super power is Finding Lost Items. It is truly impressive. EJ or JJ will ask me to find something misplaced and I can immediately find it. Sometimes I can find Lost Items even when I don’t particularly want to. For example, a couple of months ago, EJ came home from work and there was something going on in the night sky. Usually we all love going outside to watch for lunar eclipses, or comets, or meteorite showers, or space station sightings. But that particular night, I was utterly exhausted and just wanted to go to bed. EJ said, “Can you find the binoculars? Oh, and do you know where [an item] is? It’s in a bag similar to the bag the binoculars are in.” I can’t remember what the second item was, but I said, “I have no idea where those items are and I don’t want to go searching for them. I’m too tired to look at the sky. I’m going to bed.” And I went upstairs to bed. I was drifting off to sleep when into my mind popped an image of the binoculars hanging in the closet. I groaned and tried to go to sleep, but I couldn’t. So with a sigh I went downstairs, opened the closet, and without really even looking I pulled out….the lost item in the bag similar to the binoculars. I handed it to EJ, reached into the closet again and pulled out the binocular case, and also handed it to EJ. His jaw dropped and his eyes got big from amazement. My super powers totally amaze my family. We all three went outside and looked at the stars and had a good time. THEN I went back to bed.
Like any person with superpowers, I also have a super weakness. My super weakness is that although I can awesomely find lost items, I cannot find myself. I get lost super, super easily. My ability to get lost is legendary, as family and friends could tell you. Like the time my sis-in-law drove me to “Parent’s Day” at JJ’s Boy Scout Summer Camp. My sis-in-law has driven all over the USA and never gotten lost. She also has a GPS. So finding her way is no problem. Except, with me in the car, it took us three hours to get to the Camp which was only an hour away. Apparently I can mess up other people’s sense of direction. I even screwed up the GPS, which directed us into a cemetery. I think I am like kryptonite.
Anyway, today we decided that EJ would drive the rental car home because I didn’t want to drive an unfamiliar car. Whenever we go to an unfamiliar place and there is a chance I could get lost, I simply follow EJ. He almost NEVER gets lost. The problem is that the rental car was in one parking lot, and our car was in another parking lot–one in which I had to pay to get out. EJ pointed toward the direction I should drive and where I should meet him. So I drove in that direction. I came to a gate–one with the arm that goes up and down. This arm didn’t go up. There was no place to pay. So, obviously, it was an entrance, not an exit. I backed up and turned around, and apprehensively tried to find a real exit, wondering how I would find EJ again.
I saw a sign that said “EXIT” so I followed it. It took me to a gate that looked EXACTLY like the previous gate. I thought, “Ok, so where’s the Exit???” I saw a sign that said to go through the gate to the toll-booth at the other side of another parking lot. (Why was that gate even there, anyway, if I had to stop at the toll-booth too?) I drove up to the toll-booth gate, obeying a sign ordering me to stay to the right. I put my little ticket into the little machine and the machine swallowed it. Then I looked for a slot to put my money in. There was none. I could only pay with a credit card, but EJ had the credit card, not me! I saw no human in the booth. I was trapped in the parking lot.
I saw EJ pull up at the intersection at the other side of the toll gate. He could tell something was wrong. I tried to call him, but he didn’t answer his phone. I held up my cell phone and pointed to it. “Answer your phone!” I mouthed. He acted (I thought) clueless. So I opened the car window, stuck out my phone, and pointed to it.”ANSWER YOUR PHONE!!!!” I pantomimed. He just looked at me. I realized after a short time that he had probably forgotten his phone at home. I was correct. Great. I was trapped in a parking lot with no ability to communicate.
I saw a sign, finally, that said that I was in the lane for credit card only payments. Of course I was. Given many directional choices, I ALWAYS choose the wrong one. Even if I choose to turn right instead of left because I know I always choose the wrong way, I still choose the wrong way. I pushed a button and the machine spit out the parking ticket. I sat there, imagining airport security surrounding me because I was acting “suspiciously.” Finally a toll-booth lady came out and I told her I hadn’t realized this was a “credit card only” lane. She told me to get in the other lane. I did so, and she took my money, and she let me out.
My super weakness is so strong that I even get lost and trapped in a stupid parking lot. Seriously.
I was able to follow EJ home. I was so glad to finally get home. My adventure traumatized me.
This afternoon I have been busy doing more packing. There have been some things I could pack early (my clothes, books, phone chargers, etc), some things I can pack closer to the time we have to leave (JJ’s clothes, nonperishable food), and some things I will need to pack at the very last minute (computers, toothbrushes and paste, curling iron).
We leave the day after tomorrow.
I will not be driving.
Happy Birthday, EJ!
Today is EJ’s birthday. I fixed him a spendiferous breakfast of deluxe scrambled eggs, a bagel, and a banana. When JJ woke up, we sang “Happy Birthday” to EJ and ate the cheese cake we bought yesterday. There were two pieces each of four different kinds of cheese cake. We cut them all in half so we could each have a piece of each type. It was very yummy. We ate it with cups of coffee.
This afternoon I was busy making Challah Bread. I made it today because I won’t have time to make it tomorrow morning. I also made potato salad. AND I continued packing for our trip to Indianapolis for JJ’s surgery. I have never before stayed in a hotel suite with a kitchen so I do not know what is provided. I figured that I better bring along a pot and a pan, a few utensils, dish soap, and so forth. You know, just to be safe. My “things to pack” list is getting longer. We might need to rent a trailer for all the things I am packing. 😀
We think that maybe, possibly, JJ’s hair is beginning to grow back. We can see eyebrows, a little shadow of a mustache, and maybe a tiny bit of fuzz on his head. We all thought his eyebrows look sort of bluish for some reason. I asked him if he wanted me to take pictures now and then so we can chart the progress. He said yes. Here is a picture from today:
5, 0, 2
For the last few weeks, ever since JJ’s surgery was scheduled, I have been giving ourselves a task or two to accomplish every day. That way we get everything done that we need to get done without getting overwhelmed.
This morning’s task EJ and I going to a nearby Secretary of State office to get license plate tags for the car. When I told my friend that we were going to the Sec of State office, she was very impressed, thinking that we were going to THE Secretary of State’s office in the capitol building. Apparently, in her state they call it the DMV–Department of Motor Vehicles. It’s probably the same thing but called different names.
After we got that task accomplished, we went to the grocery store to buy a few groceries for our pet-sitter as well as a few things for our trip. Since we will have a kitchen in our hotel suite, we will eat breakfast each day before heading over to the hospital to sit with JJ.
Tomorrow we are pretty much taking the day off, with no major errands planned, so we can quietly celebrate EJ’s birthday. Normally we would have gone out to eat to celebrate, but we need to save our money for the trip to Indianapolis. So instead I will make him a meal and we will have cake.
I bought EJ a birthday cheese cake while we were shopping today. He had chosen to get a sampler cheesecake, with several different kinds in one. I also bought three birthday candles. My family thought I was very clever (and so did I) because I bought 5, 0, and 2 number candles. Those three numbers are all the candles needed for all of our birthdays for the next year: 20, 50 and 52. In addition, I told my guys with pride, I have also bought candles for our 205th birthdays, as well as our 250th, 502nd, and 520th birthdays. JJ was like, “Um, I think you are getting ahead of yourself…” and EJ said, “Before I worry about my 502nd and 520th birthdays, I am going to concentrate on reaching my 205th birthday.” 😀
Every day I have been packing a little bit. I have a lot to pack. I have to pack not just our clothes but also toiletries, books to read, our computers, power cords and cell phone chargers, extra batteries, food and snacks, information needed for Indianapolis, and so on. It’s a lot to think of and pack, so rather than wait until the last minute, I pack all the things that I can pack ahead of time. Meanwhile, I also have to think of all the things our pet-sitter will need while she’s at our house.
We all agreed that if it weren’t for JJ’s surgery, our trip to Indianapolis would be fun.
Packing…
Yesterday morning we took JJ to have the lab tests that the surgeon wanted him to have before we meet with him. The Phlebotomist (the woman who took his blood) was one he had had before. She’s always pretty solemn when we first enter her room, but we keep up a funny banter and after a while she started smiling. While JJ was off having a second test, EJ and I sat in the waiting room. I saw a couple very long hairs on his beard and I went over and gently tugged them to see if they were loose or had grown longer than the rest of his beard. The Phlebotomist saw me, and I told her that when EJ’s beard grew long enough, I was going to braid it like a dwarf’s beard. She laughed very loudly and said, “You could also braid beads into his beard!” She laughed loudly again, and laughed as she went into her lab room, and kept laughing and smiling for a long time afterwards. We like making people laugh.
Later in the afternoon, our pet-sitter came over. She’s going to stay at our house while we are gone. I showed her where everything is, and how to use things, and how to care for the pets.
Yesterday I dragged out our suitcases. I got the biggest one for me, the medium-sized one for EJ, and the smallest one for JJ. I have the most stuff, EJ the next stuff, and JJ will only need a few things because he will spend most of the week in hospital gowns. Looking at our suitcases, I feel like the Three Little Bears.
This afternoon I did laundry. I will probably do laundry one more time before we leave to make sure all our clothes we plan to take with us are clean and so we don’t leave any dirty clothes in the hamper. I started to pack my suitcase today.
My friend in Texas and I got on Google+ video chat and together used Google Maps to locate the hospital and the hotel, as well as nearby restaurants and grocery stores. We also looked up restaurants within the hospital, and other patient/visitor information. For some reason, my friend’s “Google Map” program let her find the “nearby” information while mine didn’t, so she copied the info and emailed it to me, and I printed it out and put it in an envelope to take with us.
Tomorrow EJ has to renew his driver’s license. We also plan go to grocery shopping to get a few things for our pet-sitter as well as some stuff to take with us. We also will get a cheese cake for EJ’s birthday, which is Thursday. Friday we have to pick up our rental vehicle.
The days are moving fast. I’m trying not to think too much about the surgery because it makes me rather nervous to think of it. I will be so glad when it’s over and I know JJ is ok. One day at a time.
L’Chaim!
On March 11, after the oncologist had given us the results of the after-Chemo CT Scan and blood tests, he exclaimed to JJ “You are going to INDEEEAAPOLIS!” to have surgery to remove the cancerous lymph node in his back. The oncologist sounded so much like a game show announcer describing the dream vacation a contestant had won that I laughed, even though the surgery is very serious. Now, as I make numerous plans to prepare for the trip to Indianapolis, I hear it all narrated in my head in a game show announcer voice:
“You have won a trip to INDEEAAPOLIS! Your dream trip includes an eight-day stay for your parents in a luxurious one-bedroom suite–with kitchen and laundry facilities–in a hotel conveniently located near the hospital.”
“You will travel to your dream destination in a luxurious rented mid-sized SUV…”
“Your dream vacation to INDEEAAPOLIS will include life-saving treatment by a world-famous cancer surgeon….”
It always makes me laugh.
I have a lot of things on my To Do list that need to get done before our trip. One item on my list is: “Faint during the consultation with the surgeon on the day before JJ’s surgery.” It’s not that I WANT to faint, but I think it’s probable that I will. Even as a child, I had so much empathy for those who were suffering that I would faint–or come close to it–whenever I visited hospitals or doctors or heard about wounds or diseases. In my mid-20s I finally went to a behavioral specialist to learn how not to faint. After that, I never fainted even though I have had surgeries and medical procedures and even blood transfusions. But I have reverted a bit since JJ got sick with cancer because I empathize so strongly with my son. I almost fainted the first time we met with the oncologist and he started to describe JJ’s cancer. In fact, the oncologist told JJ, the CANCER PATIENT, to get off the exam table so I could lie down. JJ thought that was hilarious and said he’d never let me forget it. I really expect a similar thing to happen when the surgeon describes what he is going to do to JJ. So I have mentally written “faint” on my To Do list.
Today “celebrate JJ’s 19th Birthday” was on my To Do list. This birthday seems very special–more special than normal. It is very poignant and very life-affirming to celebrate another birthday, another year, after he has been battling cancer. He made it to another birthday. He will survive! All day my heart has been joyfully exclaiming “L’Chaim! To Life!”
I began JJ’s birthday by putting on my Mama Bear hat and blowing my shofar to wake him up. Shofars are blown on Biblical Feasts, on Shabbat, and on other occasions so it seemed appropriate to blow it for this very special occasion. Before I put the shofar to my lips, I not-so-solemnly announced to my drowsy son, “Now I will sing you the song of our people.” It just seemed like something a bear would say on an important occasion. I haven’t blown the shofar for a while so I forgot how to do it, and at first all I could get was a “fffffftttttt” sound. Apparently the “song of our people” is pretty pathetic. EJ said, “Let me try it!” I put the bear hat on him and gave him the shofar and announced, “Now your DAD will sing you the song of our people” but he didn’t do any better. I reached for my camera because I think EJ looks both distinguished and cute in the bear hat. He cried in horror, “Oh, no, she’s grabbing her camera!” and he quickly snatched the bear hat off his head before I could take a picture. Sigh. What is WRONG with these anti-camera people??? I took back the bear hat, put it on my head, and again tried to blow the shofar. After a few more “fffftttttt” sounds, I finally got a sound out of the shofar. JJ pretend groaned and then laughed. He later thanked me and said that he loved it.
After the shofar, JJ announced that he was hungry and he wanted a piece of cake. I told him that I had forgotten to buy him a “9” birthday candle the other day (I already have the “1”) and was planning to get it when we went to get the pizza. He said he didn’t want to wait. He was hungry and wanted birthday cake for breakfast. I said, “You do know that people don’t eat birthday cakes because they are hungry, right?” He said he didn’t care. So I found a bag of regular candles and started to put 19 of them on his cake. However, JJ and EJ exclaimed in horror that by the time we got 19 candles lit there would be wax all over the cake. “I don’t need 19 candles. Just light the four you already have on the cake,” JJ said. So I did. On my next birthday, I want DECADES of candles on my cake. It would make such a cheery blaze.
The cake was delicious. During Chemo, eating sugary things didn’t appeal to JJ. He said that after so long without sugar, the cake was really almost too much. I’m glad I bought him such a little cake. It was just right.
After we had our cake, a dear friend in Iowa called and asked me to put my phone on “speaker” and then hand it to JJ. She and her kids sang “Happy Birthday” to JJ. It was sweet and JJ had a big smile on his face as he listened. They sang “Happy Birthday” much better than we did.
After we had cake, we all got dressed and went to pick up pizza for JJ’s birthday meal. The birthday person always gets to choose his birthday meal and JJ had chosen to get a pizza. But first we stopped at the bank to transfer money into JJ’s account for his birthday. Money is the perfect gift for him because most of his purchases are done over the Internet. Using his debit card, he will be able to buy games to play while he is recovering from surgery. Every place we go in our small village, people always ask about JJ. Our friends at the bank hadn’t seen JJ for a long time, and they were very excited to see him. One of them gave him a huge hug. JJ mentioned having no eyebrows (or eyelashes) so I told everyone that I have offered to draw eyebrows on him with a marker–maybe a blue marker to match his hat and shirt. JJ laughed that he isn’t going to let me near any markers, colored pencils, chalk, or paint. The women lightheartedly discussed perhaps setting up a “pool” to guess what color and texture JJ’s hair will be when it grows back. We’ve heard it could grow back as a completely different color and/or texture.
Then it was on to the pizza place. On the way to Little Caesar’s Hot & Ready, JJ’s grandmother (EJ’s mom) called to wish him a happy birthday. She has been in the hospital and is now in a medical center to recover. JJ was very touched by her call. When we arrived at Little Caesars, EJ and I went in to order the two pizzas while JJ stayed in the car. He is still trying to be careful about not getting sick so he can be healthy for his surgery and recovery. If he goes into a public place with us, I say, “Do not touch door handles or shopping carts. Touch NOTHING. Maybe I should wrap you in bubble wrap to protect you?”
JJ said he would let us choose the pizza toppings. I said, “I’m going to tell them to put on sardines and snails.” He wasn’t worried and replied “That’s fine.” I guess he’s gotten used to me after 19 years. The pizzas–with ground beef, green and black olives, green peppers, mushrooms, and minus sardines and snails–were very hot and smelled delicious. As soon as we got home, we devoured one.
After EJ left for work, I took Danny for a walk. I am enjoying observing the lessening snow and growing areas of grass as the days get a bit warmer. After the walk, I dropped Danny off at home and walked to the post office and library. Our district library has many branches throughout the county and we can “order” books from other branches if our little library doesn’t have the book on its shelves. Most of the books I “ordered” had arrived. I am trying to get several books so I have something to read while sitting with JJ in the hospital.
Here are pictures from JJ’s birthday:
Taxes & Cactus & Cake
When JJ was a little boy, I used to tell him that sometimes Summer and Winter battled each other–with one day warm and another day cold. The times when they fight is called “Spring” and “Autumn.” In the Spring, Summer eventually wins the fight and the weather becomes warm and green. In the Autumn, Winter eventually wins the fight and the weather turns cold and snowy. Yestereday Summer and Winter fought hard: We had rain all day and then EJ said that it was snowing as he drove home from work.
Yesterday EJ and I went for a walk to the post office and library. We still have lots of snow on the ground, but the patches of green lawn are continuing to spread. There were large pools of melting snow on the sidewalks, and mud on lawns next to the sidewalks so we had to leap from dry patch to dry patch or choose between getting our shoes wet or getting them muddy. Downtown there were sections of sidewalk that were pure ice. We couldn’t go around the ice because of the deep snowdrifts formed along the streets when the snow was plowed throughout the winter so we had to hang onto each other as we skated across the ice. As we walked, I kept saying things like “Wow, these puddles are deep!” or “Eeew, my shoes are getting muddy!” or “It might have been better if we had walked in the street!” EJ said lightheartedly, “Wow! You sure are complaining a lot!” I replied, “I am not complaining. I am narrating our adventurous walk! There is a BIG difference between complaining and narrating.”
Later in the afternoon, JJ and I went for a short walk with me. I am glad he is feeling well enough to walk. JJ said he wasn’t going to wear a hat. He said he didn’t care if people saw him with a bald head (and no eyebrows or eyelashes). I thought that was very brave of him. I was proud of him for being comfortable with who he is.
I am the one in our family who keeps track of our schedules, appointments, and tasks that need to be accomplished. So that we don’t get overwhelmed, I try to give us one or two doable tasks to do each day. EJ usually does our taxes himself each year, although he hates doing it. This year JJ has to file taxes for the very first time. With all that is on our minds and all that we have to do, I suggested we just get a professional to prepare our taxes for us. It’s quicker and less stressful. We had an appointment this morning. We left home a little early so we could stop at the bank on the way. We also stopped at the hardware store to buy some varnish for my two birdhouses. I was hoping to varnish them this weekend so that we could put in posts as soon as the ground is thawed enough and MAYBE get the houses up before we left for Indianapolis so we could enjoy them when we got home. Then EJ told me that it must be warmish if I varnish them outside or we must have windows open if I varnish them inside, and as cold as it is, that probably won’t happen. Bummer.
After the hardware store, it was time for our appointment at the tax preparer’s. While we sat in the waiting area, we admired a very large potted cactus. It was so large that it almost reached to the ceiling. The receptionist then told us the story of the cactus: That it was probably 50 years old. Her sister got it when it was just a little thing and she had it for years, but when she and her husband moved down south, her husband said, “We are NOT taking it with us,” so the sister gave it to the receptionist. When moving it to her (the receptionist’s) house, the sister’s husband accidentally knocked a few pieces off the cactus and he threw them away, but the receptionist rescued the pieces and put them in pots. She gave two away to relatives (one might have been her son or daughter, I can’t remember) and she ended up giving another back to her sister when they came to visit a few years later, even though the husband said, “We are NOT taking it back with us.” When the original cactus got even bigger and the receptionist no longer had room for it at home, she put it in the waiting area at her work, which is, of course, where we saw it. So she still gets to enjoy it and care for it. This very large cactus has a very interesting story. I like collecting stories.
It wasn’t long before the tax preparer was ready for us. She got both ours and JJ’s taxes done within the hour, which was a huge relief. It’s one more task accomplished and one more thing we don’t have to think about. The tax preparer did JJ’s for free because last year he was in high school, and this agency does the taxes of those in high school for free. That was very nice. Since JJ did not accompany us, we had to take forms home for him to sign and then EJ dropped the forms off at the tax preparer office on his way to work.
On our way home, we stopped at the grocery store to buy a birthday cake for JJ, whose 19th birthday is tomorrow. Usually I make him my own special creation of Cookie Cake. I make a large peanut butter cookie with a brownie cake on top. He loves it, but this year we are trying to get a lot of stuff done with as little effort and stress as possible, and we really don’t want to have to eat a huge Coolie Cake, so I bought him a smaller heart-shaped peanut butter cake instead. He is fine with that.
In our family the birthday person always gets to choose what to have for his/her birthday meal. I asked JJ what he wanted to do this year–if he wanted to go out or stay home, have takeout or a home-cooked meal. He said that since we are going to soon be in Indianapolis for a week, he’d prefer to stay close to home. He wouldn’t mind takeout, but wasn’t sure what. We finally decided we will pick up a pizza tomorrow. We haven’t gone out for pizza in a long time.
Busy Days of Prep
We have been busy making plans for JJ’s cancer surgery in a few weeks. Little by little everything is coming together.
When I talked to the surgeon’s nurse last week, she told me about an organization named Pro-Care that has partnered with local hotels to provide lodging for the families of hospital patients at a discounted price. EJ called them last week and they helped him choose and reserve a one-bedroom suite that has a kitchen and laundry facilities in a hotel that is close to the hospital.
We also arranged to have a friend stay at our house while we are gone and take care of our pets. We had other friends who kindly offered to come and care for our cats, but with this friend staying here, Danny can stay in familiar surroundings and won’t have to be boarded at our vet.
Today we arranged to rent a larger and more roomy vehicle so the trip will be more comfortable for JJ, especially the journey home after the surgery. We didn’t think he would have been comfortable in our little HHR. At first we were thinking of renting a van, but full-sized vehicles were so expensive to rent that we began to think we would have to make the trip in our HHR after all. But then we found a mid-sized SUV that was about half the price of the others. The SUVs aren’t as big as the full-sized vehicles, but they are bigger than the HHR. So EJ called and reserved it.
We were wondering how EJ was going to get home when he returned the rental vehicle after our trip since I will need to stay home and care for JJ. However, someone (family) volunteered to help him.That will be a huge help.
The surgeon’s office was supposed to send me orders for lab and medical tests they want done before the surgery. I was getting concerned that we wouldn’t have time to get them done, especially if they wanted a CT scan in addition to other things. So today I called them to tell them we hadn’t gotten any paperwork yet. It was mailed last Wednesday, she said, so we should have gotten it by now. She said she’d email the forms to me. Fortunately she said that since JJ had a CT scan so recently, he wouldn’t need another and they only need some lab tests. So that is taken care of and is a load off my mind.
The hospital called this afternoon to pre-register JJ for surgery.
Late last week JJ said to me, “Maybe this is one of those times when you ought to over-ride me….and call the doctor” about the issue he’s been having, the one he didn’t want me to tattle to the doctor about. I asked, “So you want me to call the oncologist?” “No……” he said, but I could tell he wanted me to do it without telling me that he wanted me to do it so I called the oncologist’s office and talked to the nurse. She gave me advice and after several weeks of struggling with this problem, it was quickly resolved. We were so happy.
Today EJ made an appointment for later this week to have our taxes done. Usually he prepares his own taxes, but this year JJ also has to file taxes and EJ just doesn’t have the time or the concentration to do both. So we will have them done by tax preparers.
I told JJ that everything is coming together for our trip. He said, “I don’t really want everything to come together” because he really is not looking forward to the surgery. I told him that the only thing worse than having the surgery is to have to have the surgery and NOT have the preparation work out.
We still have some busy days of prep ahead of us, but things are coming together nicely.
Butterfly Wings
Many years ago, I thought that if I ever wrote a book, I’d title it “Butterfly Wings.” Everyone would think (or so I imagine) that I had given it that name because butterflies are beautiful. Only I would know that I had named my book “Butterfly Wings” because butterflies are so very beautiful when they are fluttering around freely, but if you try to capture them their fragile wings get ripped and torn, and all you end up with is a lifeless butterfly with mangled wings. I feel like my thoughts are like that. They are bigger and more beautiful on the inside but when I try to capture my thoughts on paper they become mangled and lifeless words. My thoughts are never as alive on paper as they are in my head.
Whenever I write about a topic such as suffering, as I did the other day, I always end up feeling frustrated afterwards and I’m tempted to go back and erase it because whenever I try to write my thoughts–especially about God–it doesn’t matter how hard I try, I can’t ever adequately put into words what I am really thinking. There is so much vastness to everything that involves God, and everything is so connected and interconnected, and every topic branches off into other topics and subtopics in my head, that there is no way to really understand or write about all the facets of it. In writing about one facet, other equally important facets are not written about so it all ends up sounding one-dimensional and shallow. As soon as I describe one thought, I realize that an opposite thought can also be true, or that there are essential related topics that I couldn’t bring in, or there were nuances of it that I totally missed. And sometimes I discuss these things with others who bring in thoughts I never considered–or that I considered, but didn’t focus on. And then there are statements that are true, but people misunderstood or misused them so they end up hurting people. As a result, the statements trigger pain in those hurting people whenever they hear them, even if a person is not misusing them. I also realize that whenever I state “this is the way” to do something, like comfort others, I often violate my own beliefs even if what I said was true.
Take the topic of suffering, for example. Suffering is connected to God’s love, wisdom, sovereignty, the purposes of suffering, good and evil, faith, and healing, among many others. Each of these can branch off into other topics which branch off into others. For example, a subtopic of suffering is God’s love, which branches off into subsubtopics of His mercy, grace, compassion, and forgiveness. Forgiveness is connected to evil, repentance, reconciliation, sin, judgment, and loops back to love. Forgiveness also branches off into misconceptions of forgiveness, and what forgiveness really is and isn’t. The subtopic of healing includes whether or not God heals everyone and why and why not, which touches on the purposes of suffering and sovereignty and loops back to love. Healing also can include discussions about grief, insensitive statements to those who are suffering, and what to do or not do to comfort the hurting. The topic of faith can include discussions of what faith is or isn’t and connects with every other topic. Focusing on any one of these topics means that all related topics are not touched on, which can lead to cloudy understanding or misunderstanding. If each topic connected to suffering was written on a post-it-note, I’d have post-it-notes three feet deep stretching to the moon and back twice. And that’s only ONE main topic. It’s impossible to adequately write about God because He is so BIG and DEEP and VAST that thoughts and words can’t really ever capture or contain Him.
I made a very simplified chart to illustrate how my brain sort of works. You can click on the picture to make it bigger. I used the subject of suffering as an illustration because I tried to write about it so recently, but my brain works like this no matter what the topic. Sometimes I get a headache and wish I could turn off the thoughts like a faucet. However, I can’t turn them off, and actually, most of the time, I am glad that my brain ponders.
Sometimes I wonder why I ever try to explain my thoughts when I do it so inadequately. But occasionally I try to put my thoughts into words because I think that if we never tried to think or write or talk about God, we wouldn’t be able to learn or grow or connect to or comfort others. Sometimes I write my thoughts because I get so filled up with thoughts that I have to write them down so that my head doesn’t overload and explode.
My brain has been filling up with thoughts because of things I have observed and conversations I have heard lately. I tried to write about some of the ponderings, but the words wouldn’t come out right.
My thoughts are bigger on the inside.
When I try to capture them in writing, they get ripped and torn and lifeless.
Sometimes I become very frustrated by the limitations of communication.
This Too Is The Kindness and Truth of God
Whenever a person–or someone he cares about–is diagnosed with a serious illness or other forms of suffering, he begins to wrestle with issues of life and death, the purpose of suffering, and beliefs about healing. He can ignore these things at other times, but they are right in front of him when serious suffering becomes a reality.
People have many different beliefs about suffering, healing, and so forth, and these topics have been debated for a very long time. I know that I won’t resolve any Great Debate about these things but I thought I’d share a few of the things that I am pondering as JJ faces surgery, the next (and hopefully the last) step in his battle with cancer. Besides, I simply like pondering.
It’s very tricky and difficult to write about suffering because suffering is messy, and scary, and not easy to understand. Faith doesn’t always look neat and tidy, the way we think faith ought to. We want answers when there aren’t always answers. Encouragement can sound–or be–ill-timed, clumsy, and shallow, even when our hearts are filled with love for the sufferer. But I will do my best to write my thoughts about some aspects of suffering.
First of all, I’d like to say that I absolutely, positively, believe that God can heal any disease. He wouldn’t be much of a God if He couldn’t. The Bible mentions many instances–in both the Old and the New Testament–in which He miraculously delivered people from illness. I, myself, was healed of a chronic disease several years ago, but only after…well, I will describe that later.
I know that many Christians believe that God ALWAYS heals EVERY disease. I do not believe this. I believe that there will be a will there be a time when God does take away all death, pain, grief, and tears. The Bible, in describing events yet to come, says that there will be a day when “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes. There will no longer be any death; and there will no longer be any mourning, crying or pain…” (Revelation 21:1-4, Complete Jewish Bible). However, that day is not yet here. There is still death and tears and pain.
I do not believe God ALWAYS heals because not only do I not see any people hundreds or thousands of years old, but all a person has to do is talk with friends, participate in prayer groups, connect with people at FB, visit hospitals, or listen to the news, to hear heart-wrenching stories of people who have serious illnesses and disabilities and other problems. Some recover, but not everyone does. Some die, no matter how strong their faith was or how many prayers were tearfully and fervently prayed for them. Not only do I think that God doesn’t physically heal everyone, but neither do I believe He delivers everyone from pain or suffering. Over the centuries and continuing to our times, millions of Jews and Christians have been oppressed, imprisoned, tortured, and killed for believing in Him.
Becoming aware of pain and suffering forces a person to wrestle with why God heals, delivers, rescues, and protects some people and not others. We have to wrestle with such questions as why some people get delayed and miss the Tragic Event that kills hundreds, while others arrive “on time” and are one of the “unlucky” lost? Is God “good” and “praiseworthy” when lives are saved but “bad” and “worth cursing” when lives aren’t? Does He protect some and abandon others? Does He loves those He “rescues” from pain and not love those who aren’t rescued? Do we somehow have to merit His deliverance? Anyone can trust God when everything is going the way he wants, but what if things don’t turn out well? Can we trust God then?
I think that in order to believe that God physically heals and delivers everyone now, we have to close our eyes to the many who are not healed or delivered. If we believe God is supposed to heal and deliver everyone but He doesn’t, we must believe we are betrayed by a God who doesn’t keep His promises. A third option is to understand that in His goodness, love, and wisdom, God really does see and know more than we do, His thoughts and plans are beyond us, that He has answers that we don’t have, and that healing and deliverance might not always look like we expect it to. This is the option I choose.
I do not comprehend the reasons for suffering. I sometimes wonder if a purpose of suffering is to cause us to wrestle with important questions or to face ourselves in ways that we otherwise wouldn’t. I know that God can reach people through suffering, and teach people about Him through suffering, and heal wounded places in people through suffering. I can understand that often people who have suffered deeply are among the most faith-filled and compassionate of all people. I hear stories of people such as Joni Eareckson Tada, who misjudged the shallowness of the water when she dove into Chesapeake Bay as a teenager and became a quadriplegic, paralyzed from the shoulders down. She was never healed of this injury, but God used her BECAUSE of her injury to encourage many others with disabilities.
In my own life, I have experienced God using suffering for my good. Various sufferings have taken me out of abuse, have drawn me into deeper faith, have taught me deep truths, and has healed wounded places in me. One of those experiences occurred when JJ was around 4-6 years old.
I was raised in a home in which love was based on performance. Deep inside, I feared that I could not be loved unless I deserved or earned it. I felt this not only from my family (who actually did reject me when I didn’t prove my love for them to their satisfaction), but I feared it might be true of God and my husband as well if I couldn’t deserve/earn their love. I knew this was a problem for me so I began praying Ephesians 3:16-19 for myself:
“I pray that from the treasures of his glory he will empower you [me] with inner strength by his Spirit,17 so that the Messiah may live in your hearts [my heart] through your [my] trusting. Also I pray that you [I] will be rooted and founded in love, 18 so that you [I], with all God’s people, will be given strength to grasp the breadth, length, height and depth of the Messiah’s love, 19 yes, to know it, even though it is beyond all knowing, so that you [I] will be filled with all the fullness of God.” (Complete Jewish Bible)
I guess I had sort of expected God to answer this prayer by filling me with warm fuzzy feelings of His love. Instead, I got sick. I became sick with chronic sinus problems and I had at least two bouts of Mono, both of which contributed to me being diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Doctors do not know what causes CFS or how to cure it. It is debilitating. The best way I can describe it is by saying that a normal person’s “vitality” is like elastic. He gets tired and “stretched out,” he rests, he is refreshed and “bounces back.” But with CFS, a person’s “vitality” is like elastic with no elasticity. He gets tired, he rests, but he is not refreshed and he does not bounce back to strength. If he tries to push himself, he weakens further. When I had CFS, I could cook, do light housework, and homeschool JJ, but no more. On my bad days, I could do nothing. There were times I was so very tired that all I could do was weep–not because I was sad, but because I was so deep down tired. It was awful.
When I struggled with CFS, I felt that I should not pray for healing because I strongly sensed that somehow God had something very important to teach me through it. I wasn’t sure what. Some people, not everyone, knew about my illness and they respected my belief about not praying for healing. However, one well-meaning guy at church accused me of being “too proud” to pray for healing. He told me that “a man needs a strong wife and you are not being a strong wife.” He wasn’t aware that he was aggravating a deep fear, one that God was preparing to heal. I really think people should be very careful about saying such things to people who are suffering. Not only do they make the suffering one’s pain deeper, but they don’t always know what God is preparing to do.
CFS forced me to confront the reality that I did not have the strength to do enough or the ability to deserve or earn love. I could barely do daily tasks, and I was completely unable to “serve God” in the church. CFS also forced me to learn to rely on God, moment by moment, for strength. I couldn’t get through the day without Him. Slowly, as I learned to rely on Him, I also learned to thank Him for His strength, for His help. Then one day, like a lightning bolt driving into my spirit, I suddenly “knew” that God LOVES me with a love beyond imagining. You must understand that this does not mean that we can live any way we want. No. But I was struggling with a deep belief that I had to somehow deserve or earn love, and God was teaching me about His love.
Anyway, immediately after I comprehended God’s love at this deeper level, people suddenly began to pray for my healing. EJ began praying for my healing, my small group began to pray for me, my friends from all over began to pray for me, and the dear couple who cut our hair told me they were praying for my healing. My small group gathered around me and prayed for me and from that moment I was healed. I even tested that it was true by working very, very hard at moving heavy rocks in my garden. I pushed myself, and after a night of rest I was refreshed and bounced back rather than feel limp and without strength.
My story is one of healing, which might confirm to people that God ALWAYS heals, but healing didn’t come because I sought it. Instead, I believed the illness was a “strangely wrapped gift” from God, given to me because He loved me, and I learned to thank Him for it. I don’t think it’s wrong to seek healing (unless God says not to) but too often we focus on physical healing when spiritual or emotional healing might be more essential. The main point is not merely physical health but complete wholeness and a relationship with God. Sometimes He accomplishes this through healing and sometimes through a person learning to live in faith through the day-to-day struggles. It can take great faith to believe in healing and great faith to trust God’s daily provision. I think God had a specific purpose for CFS in my life, and when the purpose was fulfilled, He removed the disease. However, I have had some forms of suffering for years, and I know that many other people suffer greatly all their lives, and I believe that these sufferings, also, have a purpose, although I don’t think anyone always knows all the reasons for suffering or all that God accomplishes through it.
Some suffering that people go through is so terrible that it breaks my heart. I have at times thought that “If I were God, I would heal, or rescue, or protect these people. I wouldn’t make them suffer like this.” I do not understand the “why’s” of it at all. But I think God hears our groans and suffers alongside us in way that we can’t comprehend. Also, God said His thoughts and ways are higher than ours, and I believe this is true. As I have gone through life, I have experienced heartbreaking things but through it all, I have also experienced wounded places healed, I have learned awesome truths, my faith has grown, I have overcome fears, and many other good things, more numerous to count. In addition, these very sufferings have made me more compassionate toward others. I can honesty echo “Praised be God, Father of our Lord Yeshua the Messiah, compassionate Father, God of all encouragement and comfort; who encourages us in all our trials, so that we can encourage others in whatever trials they may be undergoing with the encouragement we ourselves have received from God.” (2 Cor. 1:3-4).
All these experiences have caused me to believe that God is utterly righteous and loving and everything that He does is good even if I don’t understand it. I believe that He will always do what is best, even if it hurts, in much the same way (but deeper) that I would always try to do what is best for my son (including tattling on him to the doctor) even if it causes him pain and he hates it. I believe that God is good if He heals and He is good if He doesn’t. He is good if He rescues from pain and He is good if He doesn’t. He is good if He protects from suffering and He is good if He leads us through it.
Several years ago I began to teach myself Hebrew. As I learned Hebrew, I began to meet Jewish and nonJewish believers who are Hebraic scholars and teachers. Both the language and the teachers have revolutionized my faith and life. One of the many teachers I learned from is Skip Moen. He, like many others, stretches and challenges my thinking. I get emails from him each day with Hebrew teachings about the Scriptures. Yesterday I read an email from Skip that went along perfectly with the thoughts I am writing about in this post, which I have been pondering for several days. The whole article, entitled “Backtracking” is very worth reading. It’s short and won’t take long to read. I will quote just a few paragraphs here:
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All the LORD’s paths are kindness and truth for the keepers of His pact and His precepts. Psalm 25:10 Robert Alter translation
All – Do you really believe that all of YHWH’s ways are kindness and truth? Are you just as likely to proclaim this with David when the plane crashes and everyone is killed, when the soldiers invade and rape village women, when your child is born with a debilitating condition, when you lose your home, when you are robbed? Are all the ways of YHWH [God] still kindness and truth?
…”We all theoretically know that YHWH is good and that whatever He does or allows serves His purposes. We all theoretically affirm that we trust in Him because we do not see the beginning and the end. But when it comes to actual practice, we slip from the holy grail of sovereignty. We act as if our purposes are the same as the higher purposes of God. We think the world should behave according to us. We forget “all” (kol).
I propose a small Hebraic exercise. Today, no matter what happens, say out loud to yourself, “This too is the kindness and truth of God.” Each time you are confronted by a bend in the road, a twist in your plans, an unexpected detour, say, “This too is the kindness and truth of the LORD.” Make an audible declaration of God’s sovereignty and faithfulness right now, and continue to reassert that claim of faith throughout the entire day. Don’t ask for explanations. Don’t try to imagine why and why not? Just declare that all of them are His.”
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I like that: No matter what happens, “this too is the Kindness and Truth of God.”
People often quote Roman 8:28 in times of suffering: “Furthermore, we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called in accordance with his purpose…” It says EVERYTHING works for good. I think the “everything” in this verses means “everything”–not just the pleasant things things that we enjoy. It means that even though it’s hard to understand, even the bad, painful, scary things are the Kindness and Truth of God.
I know this post is long, and I probably should split it into two posts or something, but I have a little more to say that is closely related so I will continue:
One of the reasons why I have been pondering all these things is because of JJ’s battle with cancer. We’ve made it through a lot. He survived Chemo. He got through the followup appointment with the oncologist with a good report. Now he faces the surgery to remove the lymph node in his back. This surgery is serious. The surgeon is going to make a long incision in the front of his body. I don’t know how long or where it starts and ends. I tend to get faint when it comes to stuff like this, so my family doesn’t always tell me medical details, thank you very much. Anyway, the surgeon will have to move aside major organs to cut out the lymph node, which is located between his lungs and his spine. If the surgeon isn’t careful, he could easily cut a nerve which could cause “a thousand terrible things,” including paralyzation. And,of course, in any surgery there is a risk of complications which can lead to death. The surgeon does this surgery several times a day, and he is the best in the world, and I truly believe that JJ will come through it just fine, but still, this is my beloved son, and such a surgery is scary. Deep inside me there is a little trembling “What if?”
I could pretend that I didn’t have any fears about this surgery, and then everyone would think I was awesome. I could hide even from myself that I was a bit scared. But instead of pretending it doesn’t exist, I drag it out and stare it down. What if something VERY BAD happens during the surgery? Will I still believe God is good? Or do I only believe it when everything works out the way I want? How deep is my faith? Can I survive the death of a child?
Sometimes it seems to me that when a person confesses to being scared (or sad), Christians immediately conclude that the person has little faith. I believe God made us with emotions, which include joy and happiness and awe as well as things like sadness and fear and struggle. I believe that tears can be just as healthy as laughter. Personally, I think that any parent who says he/she is not scared about his/her son having cancer or having major surgery is not completely honest. In fact, maybe I am being unfair, but I suspect that any Christian who says he is never sad, never scared, never struggles, is dishonest or delusional. Or else he is a nonhuman alien. Or a robot. I think that being sad in sad situations, being scared in scary situations, or struggling when we don’t understand something is NOT necessarily an indication of weak faith. I think it’s normal…and also can be an opportunity for learning and growth.
I think scary situations can cause us to confront and overcome fears–or grow in other ways. Sometimes I think that when we don’t let people express their fears, we isolate them from comfort. I have a friend who years ago, when her children were very small, suffered some health problems. She didn’t know what caused the problems and she was afraid she had something seriously wrong with her and would die. When she mentioned this, everyone around her told her things like “Don’t worry. Nothing is seriously wrong. You will be fine. Relax.” When my friend told me her fears, I didn’t say that everything would be ok. I hate unsupported statements and promises that can’t be kept. “Bad” things happen to even the “goodest” people. I know that sometimes people are diagnosed with serious illnesses. Sometimes they die. I didn’t have medical knowledge that would enable me to diagnose whether or not she had a life threatening condition (and neither did those others) so how could I tell her that she would be ok? I listened to her fears, which really was anxiety that if she died, her children would have no one to care about their spiritual development. I couldn’t honestly promise that I would make sure they were taught about God because I live several states away and the reality was that I probably would never again see her children if she died. However, I did promise what I could: “If your condition is serious and you die, I promise that I will pray for your children every day.” Then I sort of mentally kicked myself for being the most pathetic encourager ever. But surprisingly that is exactly what comforted her. I think she just wanted to have her fears heard and acknowledged and to know that someone cared about the spiritual well-being of her children. Sometimes I wonder if the best way to encourage someone is not to tell them what to feel or think, but to really HEAR what they are saying. Sometimes I really HEAR people. But, honestly, sometimes I forget to listen. And, by the way, my friend is still alive and raising her children.
If I go through suffering, I want to TRY to remember that this too is the Kindness and Truth of God. I know sometimes I will forget when things get rough. I think that’s ok. I think God knows I will sometimes forget, and He can still hold me close. If others go through suffering, I want to remember to listen to them and just be there for them. I like what my dear friend said: “My theology for suffering — suffer with the one who is suffering, love them, cry with them, laugh with them, be rational and irrational with them, be quiet with them and more than anything give them lots of hugs.” This friend has been an awesome comfort to us as we battled JJ’s cancer. I am not even close to being that awesome at comforting others.
I was raised with the teaching that when Jesus (or Yeshua in Hebrew) died on the cross, the curtain dividing the Most Holy Place where the Presence of God was from the rest of the Temple was ripped in two, signifying that we now have direct access to God. I am sure that this event has deep profound meaning, and I am sure that I don’t understand all the depth of it. But this theological teaching seems rather sterile and dry when compared to the Hebraic teaching I have heard. The Messianic Jews–those who believe that Yeshua is the Messiah–say that God the Father was so grief-stricken when His beloved Son was killed on the cross that, like any father in that region of the world, He tore His clothes (the curtain) and caused the sun to darken and the earth to quake. THAT sort of love, and THAT sort of grief over the death of a child, I can totally understand. Yes, a child’s death might be for a world-saving purpose, but at the time of death there is only dark clothes ripping, world-splitting GRIEF.
So why do we expect people to peacefully smile when a loved one dies? A FB friend recently lost her adult daughter. Some of the comments to her statuses about her grief advised her to trust God and to think peaceful thoughts of Him. I wanted to tell her that it was ok to weep and wail and rip her clothes in grief, and to make the skies darken and make the earth quake because her dear daughter is no longer with her. I can’t imagine going through that kind of agony. I don’t want to ever know what it’s like.
I tend to be very honest with God. I don’t hide what I am feeling or thinking whether it’s positive or negative. Joys, amazement, anger, grief, discouragement, confusion…I tell Him all about it. I don’t pretend that I am something that I am not, that I am strong if I am weak, that I am happy if I am sad. Circumstances such as major surgery can cause a person to ponder and confront various fears. But whenever I get a bit anxious about JJ’s surgery, I drag the fear out into the open, and I say something like this,
Dearest Father,
I absolutely believe that You are loving and You are good. But this surgery is scary. I know that JJ is in Your hands and his surgeon is skilled so I think that he will make it through the surgery just fine. However, I also know that there is always a possibility that he won’t. Sometimes terrible things happen. Please, please keep JJ safe all through this surgery, and please let his recovery go well, and please make this the final victory of his battle with cancer.
I want You to know that I believe that no matter what happens, “this too is the Kindness and Truth of God”–of You. But I also want to tell You that if JJ dies, it will be the darkest time of my life. I will want to rip my clothes in grief, and make the skies dark, and cause the earth to quake–like You did when Your beloved Son died. If such a dark day comes, I will need You to get me through it because I know that I won’t be able to get myself through it. But I want You to know that even if I would make the earth darken and quake with my grief, I still, deep down, will want to believe that somehow, in ways I don’t understand, “This, too, is Your Kindness and Truth.”
I love You, Father.
Your daughter,
Me
A Wintry Day
We woke up to a beautiful wintry world. I don’t know what the official totals are, but I think we got at least 7 inches of new snow.
I believe I must be the only person in the whole Midwest who welcomed the snow rather than grumbled and growled about it. I used to prefer summer and dislike winter, but I have grown to love winter. I still like summer, but as I’ve gotten older, the humid heat (yes it gets hot in Michigan) melts me like a snowman and the hordes of mosquitoes imprison me in the house. I could never live in the South.
Winter has wonderful things about it, even for someone like me who doesn’t ski or sled or ice fish. I like the cozy comfort of sitting next the wood stove on a cold day, wrapped in a quilt, with cats on me, sipping a steaming hot cup of coffee.
And I love watching the birds. It fills me with deep delight. Slowly, bit by bit, I am adding to my bird feeders. Our feeder pole is in front of the large living room window and holds four feeders. We also have two window feeders at the large window. I placed the feeders so EJ could clearly see them from his recliner. I recently bought another, identical feeder pole. I placed it in front of the other window so I can clearly see it when I sit in my usual place on the love seat. It doesn’t yet have many birdfeeders on it, but I hope to add more as soon as I can, bit by bit. In the summer I want to hang a feeder or two for hummingbirds. It is my goal to have several birdfeeders located so we all will be able to watch birds no matter where we sit in the living room. I also want to plant flowers that attract birds.
When it snows hard, we get many, many birds flocking to the feeders. The nearby trees and bushes and fence come alive with scores of birds waiting their turn at the feeders. This snowy day, I saw cardinals, sparrows, chickadees, wrens, tufted titmouses (titmice?), house finches, gold finches, juncos, mourning doves, starlings, red-winged blackbirds, blue jays, woodpeckers, and even robins (who go South for the Winter and return to Michigan in the Spring) at the feeders. It’s totally awesome. EJ says he doesn’t like the starlings, but I like all the birds, even the hawk. It’s rather traumatic to watch her carry off a dove, but even hawks have to eat.
I also like watching the cats watch the birds. They are fascinated by the birds. Little Bear and Timmy, who are younger cats, can’t resist rushing at the window and watching all the birds fly away. Luke will stand so his nose is inches from the birds in the window feeders and hold very still for several minutes as he watches them. KeeKee just likes to sit on the window sill and watch them.
After EJ left for work, I took Danny for a walk. I love walking in the winter. I love how beautiful a snow-covered landscape is. I like the cold burning my cheeks and the cold wind whipping around me. I fell four times today at slippery places, but I didn’t mind. After an initial “OUCH!!” I laughed. There are mountains of snow where snowplows have pushed snow all winter long. I always get an itch to climb them, or play King of the Mountain, or dig tunnels into them like I did when I was a child. For a minute, I imagined inviting a bunch of adults to play King of the Mountain and then I imagined old brittle bones breaking. It’s probably good that adults don’t play King of the Mountain.
On today’s walk, a man shoveling out his driveway said to me, “Whew. All this snow. Hopefully this will be the last time I have to do this before Spring.” I paused to talk to him for a bit. He said shoveling snow is hard on his back because he has back problems; I mentioned EJ’s back problems. We talked about testicular cancer. He had had testicular cancer years and years ago when he was 14 years ago. This man lives next to his nephew, who a few years ago was elected mayor of a nearby city. What is remarkable about that is that the young man was 18 years old at the time he was elected, and had just graduated from high school. He is the youngest person ever elected mayor in the USA.
After our walk, I dropped Danny at home and then walked to the post office. I was almost to the post office when someone called out from their car, “Do you work at the library?” The library is next to the post office, but I was closer to the post office than the library so I don’t know why he assumed I worked at the library. “Book lover” must ooze from my pores or something. Our town is so small that our library is only opened on Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, and until noon on Saturdays. This is Wednesday so the library was supposed to be opened. I called to the man that I had read on FB that the library was closed today because of the weather. “Ok, thanks!” he said and then he drove away.
Here are pictures of my day:
Oh, I should mention something about JJ. With the surgery scheduled, we can now start making plans. I realized that I had forgotten to ask where the surgeon’s office is located (for the consultation) or which hospital JJ’s surgery will be at (Duh!) so today I called to get their addresses. JJ was curious about long the surgery will take so I asked about that as well. I found out the surgery will take three hours.
Now that I have addresses of the surgeon’s office and hospital, we can arrange nearby lodging for EJ and me. The nurse told me yesterday that there is an organization that arranges hotel rooms at greatly discounted prices for families of patients. EJ will call them tomorrow to make reservations. Meanwhile I am working on providing care for all our pets. EJ will look into renting a van or SUV so JJ won’t have to spend 5-6 hours in a small vehicle on the way home from Indianapolis.
The Doctor Appointment
Last night I didn’t sleep well. My thoughts wouldn’t shut off and I tossed and turned until after 2 a.m. Then I came downstairs. JJ was still up because he couldn’t sleep either. I settled into EJ’s recliner. Several cats settled next to me. When I can’t sleep, I come downstairs to sleep because I find the cuddling cats very comforting–like living teddy bears. I fell asleep for a couple of hours, and then I woke and moved to the love seat. The cats settled in around me and I fell asleep again, and then I heard EJ come down to use the bathroom, and then I fell asleep again. Then, sigh, it was morning and time to get up. I actually only had a series of naps.
Usually JJ says I can blog freely about our cancer journey, but he asked me not to write about the specific health issues he’s been struggling with since Chemo ended. Sometimes a person just wants to not have everything broadcast to the world. I respect that. So I am not revealing those health issues, but they have made him rather miserable and he’s been “just tired of not feeling well.”
For the past week, as his doctor appointment approached, JJ and I have had a bit of a conflict. He has lectured me to NOT TELL THE DOCTOR about his health issues because he doesn’t want the doctor to examine him, or send him to a specialist, or anything like that. I remained quietly noncommittal, making no promises either way. I didn’t want to argue with my son, but I also know that minor problems can quickly become major problems and I wasn’t going to risk him experiencing complications during surgery because he didn’t want to tell the doctor about his health problems. Two days ago he stressed again, “Don’t tell the doctor. I mean it, Mom. Let me handle it.” Then yesterday, “I know you are going to tell the doctor.” Duh, we both knew I was going to. This morning he said again “Don’t tell the doctor. I mean it. If you tell him, I am going to revoke my permission for you to be given medical information about me.” I said, “Go ahead. You are an adult and you have the freedom to do that. But you realize that there will be things I am doing for you now that I won’t be able to do then, right?”
Today a new intern led us through the maze of corridors at the Cancer Center to an exam room. Usually the doctor appears shortly after we arrive, but I think the intern forgot to let him know we were in the exam room because we waited 30+ minutes. EJ finally went to the bathroom, and he ran into the doctor’s nurse, and when she saw him she got a grim look on her face (because I think she realized the doctor had not been notified) and shortly after that the doctor arrived.
But when we first arrived in the exam room, the intern took JJ’s blood pressure and asked him the usual list of questions–like how is his appetite, does he have any trouble breathing, does he feel any pain, yada, yada, yada. JJ didn’t mention his problem so I asked him, “Are you going to tell her about the health problems you have been having?” After she left, JJ turned to me and said, “I TOLD you that I would mention this problem. I TOLD you not to say anything. I TOLD you I can handle it.” I said angelically, “Well, technically, I didn’t tell the intern about your problem. I asked YOU if YOU were going to tell her. Can I help it if she was in the room and overheard?” In a battle of wits and wills, I can hold my own.
I think I have an inner child who is mischievous and rebellious. Sometimes JJ draws it out of me. Like when JJ told me in previous years “Don’t embarrass me by dancing in the grocery store,” I suddenly always had a strong urge to dance in the aisles. I’ve looked around to see if anyone was watching and then I did a cha-cha-cha so only JJ could see me. “Stop it, Mom!” Or when we approached the automatic doors at a grocery store, JJ has whispered, “Do NOT act like you are opening the doors with the Force. You are NOT a Jedi.” So, OF COURSE, I waved my hand as if I was a Jedi using the force to open the grocery store doors. He really shouldn’t encourage me.
So when JJ began to lecture me about NOT telling the doctor, I did what any mischievous child would do. I stuck my tongue out at him. “DAAAAADDDD! Mom stuck her tongue out at me!” I did it again. We started laughing. I made a loud croak in my throat and made a squishing noise with my mouth. We laughed some more. We laughed until we cried. “GEESH, what is WRONG with you today, Mom!” I said, “I didn’t get enough sleep last night,” as I poked him in the leg and then poked him again. “Stop poking me, Mom. DAAAADDDDD, Mom keeps poking me!”
Finally, the doctor arrived. He said that all of JJ’s tests look good. He said the Cancer marker numbers are really low but there is something still there in the lymph node. JJ had three types of cancer cells in his body–two were cancerous and one was benign. The doctor believes that the “something” is probably benign but he doesn’t want to risk any cancer cells remaining in his body so he wants JJ to have the lymph node removed. He said he wants JJ to have the very best care so he is sending him to the best surgeon in the world for this type of surgery. Then he exclaimed, “You are going to INDEE-AAA-POOLIS!” He said it as if we had just won a dream vacation, which this trip will definitely NOT be, but he made me laugh.
We asked whether JJ will still need weekly blood tests. The doctor said he will not, but he will have to have CT Scans every other month for the next two years, and he will need regular followup appointments with the doctor, and he will need his port flushed out every 8 weeks or so. In a year or so, he will get to have his port removed. They keep it in that long to make sure the cancer is gone and he won’t need more Chemo. So JJ still has a lot of medical things in his future, but I think they won’t be as difficult as the other stuff he has suffered.
Because his white blood counts are stronger, JJ doesn’t have to be quite so careful to mingle with people, but he still mustn’t be around sick people.
I waited all through the appointment for JJ to mention his health problems, and only when the doctor was beginning to shake our hand before leaving did I speak up about the Problem and ask if it would affect the surgery. The doctor didn’t seem too worried about it. When we got home, I said to JJ, “See? I did really well. I mentioned it only at the end when you still hadn’t said anything.” He said I did good.
After we left the exam room, we took a detour into the hallway with the infusion rooms so JJ could visit the medical staff who had cared for him during Chemo. The were all glad to see him, they said he was looking well, and they all gave him hugs.
Then it was home, and I fixed lunch, and EJ went off to work.
This afternoon I got a call from surgeon’s office. JJ has a consultation with the doctor on March 31 and his surgery is scheduled for April 1. JJ will have to have several medical tests before then. She said this time that JJ will probably be in the hospital for 3-4 days. We will now have to make plans: schedule lodging for us, arrange care for our animals, and so forth. There are lots of things to do.
Hurdles
We ran out of milk, so this morning I walked to the little store a block and a half away to buy more. The temp was 37 degrees! The high temp was almost 50 degrees! With temps so warm, I left my mittens at home and unzipped my coat. We have to enjoy the warm weather while we can because we are expecting cooler temps and more snow in a couple of days. It looks like we could have 5-8 inches of new snow.
As I walked to the little store, I heard strange bird calls. I couldn’t remember what kind of bird it made such a sound. I looked around but couldn’t spot the bird. Then I saw three sandhill cranes flying overhead. It was their cry I heard. I paused and watched them. When I left the store with my milk, I spotted a dozen more. Sandhill cranes are an indication that Spring is coming. I am always excited whenever I see the cranes in a field or flying overhead.
Picture from: ecobirder.blogspot.com
When I got home, I researched sandhill cranes on the internet to learn more about them. I read this morning that “Cranes from southern Michigan migrate to Florida.” People from Michigan also often go to Florida for the winter. “Depending on the weather, most leave in November, but some have stayed through December. They usually return to Michigan in late February or early March. Sandhills prefer to migrate when the sun causes warming thermals to rise and there is a tail wind. By taking advantage of tail winds, flying in formation and by soaring, they are able to reduce energy expenditure by up to 30%. Flying at speeds up to 50 miles per hour, they can cover nearly 500 miles a day. Often they reach altitudes of over a mile.” I also learned that their bugling can be heard 2.5 miles away and that “Adult breeders maintain long-term pair bonds, but they will ‘divorce’ especially if the first attempt at reproduction is unsuccessful.” You can learn more about them and hear their cries at the AllAboutBirds.Com.
I am continuing to enjoy the birds at our feeder. I think it’s interesting that they walk all over the yard, leaving thousands of tiny prints in the snow.
We had expected JJ to feel much better by now, but he continues to struggle with some health issues. He’s been having a low temp as well and he says he is feeling “unwell” and tired. He often tells me that he is so tired of not feeling healthy.
Tomorrow JJ has an appointment with his oncologist. When we began this cancer journey, every doctor told us news that was worse than we were expecting, so while I approach the appointment with expectation that the report will be good, I also feel slight trepidation as well. I expect we will learn how the Chemo has affected JJ cancer. The woman who did the PFT test last week said that JJ’s hemoglobin was very low, so I want to discuss that with the doctor and I also want to know what his white blood cell count is. JJ has told me very strongly that he doesn’t want me to tell the doctor about his health issues, but we both know that I will tattle if JJ doesn’t tell the doctor what he is struggling with–because any problem left untreated could become major and I don’t know how the issues will affect his surgery. JJ will just have to be “less than happy” with me for a bit. My friend, who has become an honorary aunt to JJ, has said that if I don’t tattle on JJ, she will call the doctor and tattle. We love him so much we are willing to do what we believe is best for him even if he’s not happy about it. Poor JJ.
A couple of weeks ago, EJ’s Mom became very sick and had to be taken to the hospital. She was in there for a week or so and then a couple of days ago was put into a rehabilitation center. Family reports that she is not doing very well. She has been saying that she wants to see all her children “one last time.” I do not know if she is saying this because she feels so ill or becomes she senses that her death is approaching. EJ really wants to see his Mom (and so do I), especially if this might be the last time, but we are all very concerned about bringing home any sort of virus or infection to JJ when his immune system is very weak and he can’t fight off sickness. We can’t forget that EJ’s Dad was very sick just before he died, and EJ caught his virus and was the sickest he had ever been in his life. Our first concern has to be for our son. But it causes anguish to not visit EJ’s Mom.
JJ’s Honorary Aunt recommended a product that might help him so EJ and I went to a pharmacy to buy some. Since we were in town, we also stopped at the grocery store. While we were there, I ran into a dear, sweet friend. She and her husband always cut our hair for us, but they also always pray for us. I told her about EJ’s Mom and she told us that no Grandmother would not want to put her grandson at risk, and she would totally understand if we can’t go see her. “So let your mind be at ease,” she said. Then she put her arms around both of us and prayed for us. That was, as my “Honorable Aunt” friend often says, “a hug from heaven.”
We are trying to mentally, emotionally, spiritually prepare ourselves for JJ’s surgery. It is such a major surgery that it is a bit scary. I expect the surgery to go well because we will have of the best surgeons in the world for this type of surgery, but still…this is a very serious surgery, and bad things sometimes happen, and there are no guarantees. And this is our one and only child. This feels like another huge hurdle that we have to overcome. We are getting a little tired of hurdles.
Surgery
EJ and I have battled wooziness, congestion, and a cough all week. I’ve been concerned that JJ would get sick as well because of his weakened immune system. He has struggled with some lingering effects of Chemo, but he doesn’t seem to be coming down with our sickness.
On Wednesday Eric got a reminder from our doctor’s office that his annual physical was on Friday. Physicals are scheduled months in advance, and with JJ’s cancer and all, we had forgotten all about it. EJ needed to have his blood drawn on Thursday so rather than return to the lab again on Friday for JJ, we decided to have them both get their blood drawn on Thursday. This way, JJ didn’t have to accompany us to the doctor’s where he could be exposed to who knows what viruses and germs. I went along with EJ to keep him to company, remind him of what to tell the doctor, and to help him remember what the doctor told him.
After EJ went to work, I walked to the post office for our mail and then went to the library to see if any new videos were available to borrow. It was very sunny and warm today. The highs were in the lower 40’s and the snow began to melt into drips off the roof and puddles on the sidewalks. We still have a lot of snow on the ground and mountains piled high along streets and at the edges of parking lots, but it now feels as if Spring is a possibility.
After I returned from the post office and library, I took Danny for a walk. It was so warm that I left my mittens at home and after a bit I unzipped my coat. We took our regular route but rather than go home, we kept going past our house and walked to the telephone company to drop our payment in the drop box outside the building. Danny loved his walk but he didn’t like walking in the puddles and kept trying to avoid them.
Later this afternoon I got a call from the office of the surgeon in Indianapolis who will do the surgery to remove the lymph node in JJ’s back. The woman I talked to said they had waited to call until they received JJ’s medical file and CT Scan films from his oncologist. She will now schedule his appointment and get back with me. The surgery will probably take place at the end of March or beginning of April, so it is fast approaching. At least it won’t be until after JJ’s 19th birthday, which is March 21st. I thought it would have really stunk if JJ was in the hospital on his birthday.
In some ways it is nice to finally get moving on the surgery. The sooner we get it over with, the sooner JJ can recover and get on with his life. However, it also makes me feel nervous because it is a very major surgery. The cancerous lymph node the surgeon will remove is located between JJ’s lungs and his spine. The incision will be made in the front of JJ’s body and the surgeon will have to move aside organs and stuff. If the surgeon is not skilled, he could cut a nerve in JJ’s spine and JJ could suffer paralyzation or other terrible things. Fortunately, JJ’s oncologist said this surgeon is the best in the world which is why he is sending JJ to him. He said he could have chosen someone local to do the surgery, but he’d rather have a surgeon who does this type of surgery 3-4 times a day instead of 3-4 times a year. It is comforting to know that this surgeon is “recognized as a world authority on the surgical management of testicular cancer.” But, still, this is my little boy we are talking about, and I won’t rest easy until JJ recovers from the surgery without harm.
After the surgery, JJ will remain in the hospital for 4-5 days.
The Waiting Room
I feel better than I did on Saturday, but I am still struggling with congestion and a cough. Last night I only got a few hours of sleep because I couldn’t get comfortable and my coughing kept me awake. It was a short night because we had to get up at early. JJ had a morning of medical procedures. I always get up earlier than the guys so I can get dressed, get the pets fed, and prepare breakfast.
EJ was getting the car started and I had set my coat down on a bench so I could get my boots when a cat barfed on my coat. It was only a little, most of it went on the floor, but ewww. I cleaned up the barf from the floor and washed it off my coat with a washcloth and then put the coat on. I didn’t have time to search for another. I will definitely wash my coat SOON.
At the hospital, we went to the Patient Registration desk to announced that we had arrived and then was directed to the appropriate waiting room. JJ was given two bottles of barium to drink. Last time JJ was given a CT Scan, he chose to have the berry-flavored drink, but this time he chose to have a coffee-flavored drink hoping that it would taste better. It tasted worse, but as I told JJ, it was worth a try. It took him a half hour, but he got the drinks down.
Waiting rooms are interesting places. Sometimes everyone is silent and sometimes people are more talkative and connections are forged. I always wonder about people because everyone has a story of why they are there. Today everyone was silent until two women came in, one elderly and one middle-aged. I thought they were mother and daughter, but found out that they were neighbors. The younger one got people talking, first about the best and worst places to buy paczkis for Fat Tuesday (which I didn’t contribute to because I don’t celebrate it) and then moving on to other topics such as stories of the dogs we all own. We told them about Danny and they told us about their dogs. The older woman, at some point, mentioned that she had just lost her husband. She was obviously fighting tears the whole time we were there. I told her that I was so very sorry and my heart was very grieved for her. I can’t imagine how difficult it would be to lose a husband.
After JJ was taken away for his CT Scan and the elderly lady was taken away for her procedure, the middle-aged woman said that she was the lady’s neighbor. The Lady and her husband used to do everything together but then the husband was diagnosed with a blood condition and given six months to live. He died five days later and she is really struggling with grief. The couple had always been very healthy but after her husband died, the woman started struggling with her own health: she has to have thyroid surgery, but a spot was found on her lung. Her test today was to verify that it is a mass and not a smudge on the film or scarring from a cough she has been having. The couple never had any children and the Lady has no family to help her, so the Neighbor takes her to appointments and tries to encourage her, calls her every day, prays for her, gets her out of the house, and so forth. I feel so bad for the Lady, but it is good that she has a Neighbor who cares for her.
I told the Neighbor that our son has cancer, and I shared our story a bit. I told her that this has been an eventful year for JJ: He became an Eagle Scout, graduated from high school, started his first job, began college, and then was diagnosed with cancer. I said that JJ has been very, very courageous through all this. She said she thought her life was tough until she heard JJ’s story. People tend to say that when they hear JJ’s story. I think his story touches them because he is so young. Plus, it’s hard to see such a nice young man struggle with cancer.
It’s interesting because we think our story is just something we live through with as much faith and hope and love that we can. We have gone through difficulties, yes, but we hear other stories that are much more difficult and sadder than ours. But they think our story is more difficult, much more difficult than theirs. It reminds me of a time a friend and I were sharing similar struggles through email in order to encourage each other. When I heard her story, I sent her an email telling her that her story was very sad and much more difficult than mine. At the same time, I got an email from her saying that she thought my story was very sad and much more difficult than hers. We thought that was funny. I think that being able to see the suffering of others prevents us from feeling sorry for ourselves.
I always think of something a friend told EJ a few years ago: The friend complained to a co-worker about his life. The co-worker listened and when our friend was finished, he said, “That is a very sad story. Everyone has a sad, sad story.” Then the co-worker shared his own story, and the story was so terribly sad that our friend felt he had been complaining about nothing in comparison. Whenever I want to complain, I remember that “Everyone has a sad, sad story” and many are so much more difficult and sadder than mine. We have so much to be thankful for because we have each other and so very many blessings. Our difficulties have taught us so much and deepened our faith and love for God and each other. They have given us compassion and understanding for others. That is not sad.
When JJ got back from his scan, the Neighbor said to him, “Do you mind if I give you a hug?” JJ said he didn’t mind, and the woman gave him a big hug and told him she’d be praying for him.
Waiting rooms are interesting places.
After the CT Scan, JJ needed to have a Pulmonary Function Test (PFT) to measure how his lungs are doing. Chemo could affect the lungs. We went back down to the Registration Desk in the Lobby and the woman there notified the PFT woman that JJ was ready, and then we were directed to go down a hallway, turn left, take an elevator to the next floor up, and the PFT woman would meet us. We made contact with the correct person, who led us to the PFT room. JJ sat in a booth and breathed into a tube when directed while we chatted. After maybe a half hour or so, the test was over and we were on our way home. Another step is completed.
We were about four miles from home when traffic came to a halt. EJ looked ahead and said that he could see that there was a bad accident at the junction where two highways split off. After waiting about 10 minutes, we did what many others were doing–we turned around and took an alternate route home. I pray everyone survived the accident.
I fixed leftovers for lunch. Then EJ had to leave for work. He left early so he could take a different way to work to avoid the accident site in case it wasn’t yet cleaned up. After EJ left, I brought in the day’s firewood and then JJ and I lay down–he on the couch and I on the love seat–and we took naps.
Sunday
Yesterday went by in a blur. We made it through the whole winter without getting sick, but yesterday, March 1st, both EJ and I were sick with swimmy, achy heads, coughs, sneezes, and aches. We felt awful, so we didn’t do much. Hopefully JJ will not get sick. I am more concerned about him because Chemo lowered his resistance to illness.
Today EJ and I work feeling much better. I am still coughing and blowing my nose, but my head isn’t swimmy. We decided to the farm market-ish store and get some bird seed because we were almost out. The birds eat like pigs. There were several types of bird seed to choose from. We bought a 15 lb bag of fruit and nuts and a 40 lb bag of assorted seed. We couldn’t see what sorts of seeds were in the bags and I was a little disappointed that the 40 lb bad had more corn and nuts in it and fewer smaller seeds. I hope our regular birds like it. EJ says birds of one type or another will be drawn to it. I think next time I will get a bag that has more of the smaller seeds in it.
After we bought the seeds, we went to the grocery store. I had planned to get only a few items, but we ended up filling the cart. EJ and I have always grocery shopped together and we have a lot of fun doing it. It always seems more like a date than a chore. We found ourselves in the garden aisle, and we bought seeds and garden gloves even though there is still a lot of snow on the ground. In fact, we got 4-5 more inches of new snow overnight. But in March we begin to dream of spring.
I also got another cilantro plant. The cats chewed on the other one I bought and I am not sure it is going to live. I also bought a parsley plant so we can have fresh parsley for Passover. I am putting these plants in the kitchen window so maybe the cats will leave them alone.
As we were shopping, I got a text from JJ asking us to stop and get Chinese food. Since I had a gift certificate from a dear friend, I called to order meals from the Chinese restaurant and we pick them up on the way home.
When we got home, EJ and I carried the groceries into the house. I put the foods that required refrigeration away and then we stopped and ate our Chinese food. Afterwards I finished putting all the groceries away, then swept and mopped the floors.
It was a fun day.
