I Love To Go A Gardening
Growing Our Life in Northern Michigan
Because and Even Though
Today I am especially thinking about many I know who are going through cancer and other serious ailments. Not all their suffering is the whirlwind that JJ’s was, here and over before we could take a breath. They walk a slower path with many twists and turns and ups and downs.
I have a friend who, several years ago, had severe heart palpitations. She was afraid something was seriously wrong, and she was afraid she was going to die, and she was very afraid for her three young children if she died. Everyone in her life told her, “Oh, there’s nothing wrong with you! You are going to be ok. Nothing is going to happen.”
Everyone told her that except me. I couldn’t promise that nothing was wrong and nothing bad was going to happen. I am not a doctor and I didn’t know what was wrong with her. I know that sometimes the worst DOES happen. Sometimes young mothers with children die. She lives several states away and I knew that I could not promise that I would be a constant presence in her children’s lives. So I promised my friend what I could do: “I promise that if this is serious and you die, I will faithfully pray for your three children every single day.” Not much comfort, except that my friend relaxed. I had heard her fear, and I let her express her fear, and I had addressed her greatest fear: to have someone care for the spiritual well-being of her children.
It never has helped me to pretend that bad things can’t happened. As I said a life time ago last week, it helps me to acknowledge and confront my fears, which is why when JJ said, “This sucks,” I replied, “It absolutely does!” When he said, “This is no fun,” I said, “Being sick and in the hospital is not supposed to be fun.” When he said, “I’m scared,” I answered, “It’s ok. This is a scary thing.” I suspect JJ found courage through the last few days at least partially because we let him express fear. We also clung to hope and faith.
I don’t think a courageous person is a person without fear. I think a courageous person is one who continues despite fear. And I don’t think a person of faith is one who is always laughing and singing and shouting “Praise the Lord” all the time. I think a person of faith is one who chooses to hang on to God when life is scary, and unfair, and falling apart, and there are no answers. A person of faith might sometimes sing and shout “Praise the Lord,” but sometimes he might sob desperately, “Help! I can’t make it another step without You.” Sometimes faith dances. Sometimes it chooses to get out of bed in the morning and put one foot in front of the other through dark days. I, personally, think faith can look quite messy sometimes.
Years ago, I pondered that there are two different kinds of faith. I call them “Because” faith and “Even Though” faith.
“Because” faith loves and trusts God because He heals from sickness, delivers from harm, changes situations, reveals answers, and provides for needs in ways that we can tangibly see. I think it takes a lot of faith to believe that God can answer prayer and heal, deliver, change, reveal answers, and provide, and it is definitely worth praising Him in those situations. There are times we really need to see God work in such ways. He IS loving and good and answers prayers and we can praise Him because of it. However, if a person stops there, and only praises God when everything is going his way, there is a danger of having a superficial faith that loves the gift more than the Giver, and praises God only because He does what we want Him to.
Another form of faith is “Even though” faith. “Even Though” faith holds on to God even though He does not heal, deliver from harm, change situations, reveal answers, or provide for needs in a tangible way that we can see. This is a more difficult, painful, messy form of faith, often involving heartbreak and tears and desperation and wrestling with God.
It is, perhaps, unfair to categorize types of faith because I don’t think it can be so neatly packaged. “Because” and “Even Though” faith is often intertwined, and not so easily separated.
However, I have known people who accuse others of having faith that is too weak if it does not result in tangible, miraculous answers of healing or deliverance. They do not see the strong faith in the midst of tears and heartbreak and unanswered questions.
I, myself, experienced several years of sickness when JJ was small. I had months of sinus infections, several bouts of mono, and was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome all at the same time. The specialist I was sent to for CFS said that I could suffer from this for the rest of my life. On my best days during my illness, I could homeschool my son, do dishes, and clean the house a bit…but no more. On my worse days, I had no strength for anything. CFS made me feel like limp elastic with no elasticity: If I got stretched out, I couldn’t bounce back. Rest did not restore my strength or energy. Often tears streamed down my face–not because I was sad, but because I was so utterly completely weary. I strongly felt during this time that I should not pray for healing, that I needed to trust God through it. A man in the church told me that in not seeking healing I was being proud. He said that a man needed a strong wife and I was being a burden to my husband. He didn’t know that I had been raised to earn love and approval through performance and CFS forced me to face a lot of fears–fear of being incredibly weary forever, fear of being a burden to my husband, fear of not being able to “please God.” He didn’t know that I was learning to trust God even if I was never healed, learning to thank Him for the strength for THIS moment, learning the depth of His love for me. There came a day when suddenly everyone in my life began to spontaneously pray for my healing, and I was healed. That was AMAZING. However, what I learned during those weary days when I chose to trust God for the strength for the moment, and when I trusted He loved me when I couldn’t earn it, was most precious still.
I also remember the utter joy when I FINALLY got pregnant, only to lose the baby in a miscarriage. I tried to be strong, to bravely “trust in God,” and I was doing quite well until I was honestly asked, “So…what does it feel like to be a mother who has lost her baby?” (A counselor I was talking to about abusive relatives asked me the question.) Then the tears I had been holding back with pretend strength poured down my face, and I began to honestly wrestle with a God who let me get pregnant only to take the baby away. There came a day when I faced that either I must believe that God is GOD and is good and loves me or I must believe He wasn’t and I should go live life as I pleased. I imagined myself putting all my heartbreak and questions into a box and handing it to Him. “I do not know why this happened, but I choose to trust You with it” I said. I have never received answers about why the baby didn’t make it, but my faith deepened at that time. I didn’t NEED the answers anymore. It was enough that He knew them.
We haven’t gotten the pathology report, but it looks like JJ is going to make it. Our son had a few days of illness, not weeks or months or years. To have my son have cancer felt like Hell was opening at our feet and Death was stalking him. EJ and I wanted to get between JJ and Death and roar “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!” I am so relieved and thankful because it looks as if Death was cheated this time. Some day, death may take him. But not THIS day. I will be glad when death is forever defeated and there are no tears or pain.
However, I currently have friends who are suffering from years of chronic illness, who are struggling with cancer, who have children who are suffering with severe health problems. I see their strong faith in the midst of the ups and downs, the good days and bad, the fears and the hopes, the laughter and the tears. Sometimes faith is messy and doesn’t look like faith. I am awed by the deep faith of my friends.
Refreshing Oasis
Yesterday was quite busy. I had to go to my neighbor’s house in the morning to feed her adorable little dog one last time. She arrived home late yesterday afternoon. After I fed Keno, I did laundry. Later in the afternoon I ran to the store for a few things for JJ. I did, however, have an opportunity to rest on the loveseat for a bit and enjoy the view out the window. I was tired after sleepless nights and the whirlwind of JJ’s emergency surgery.
All summer long we have been trying to buy our winter’s supply of firewood. One thing or another often prevented our getting the wood, so last week we had only about three face cords. We wanted ten face cords for the winter. We found a local guy who was selling firewood, and he even said he’d deliver or no extra charge, so last week EJ called him and arranged for him to bring us wood. He dropped off the wood yesterday evening. It was nice to not have to drive to get the wood, load it in our pickup, and then unload and stack it in our woodshed. This guy just backed his dump truck into our back yard and dumped the wood.
This morning while EJ and JJ slept, I went outside and began stacking the wood. I enjoyed working in the beautiful morning. I got about half of the wood stacked before hunger drove me inside. An hour or so later, EJ helped me stack the rest of it. We now have about 5 1/2 face cords of firewood. We are getting there….
JJ is sleeping quite a bit, but he is recovering very nicely. Last night he ate a footlong Subway sandwich and today he ate a sandwich and then asked for another. After weeks of him not being hungry (we thought it was due to stress from starting college), it’s a joy that he is getting hungry again. “Make you another sandwich, JJ? OF COURSE!”
Two days after we first took him to the doctor, JJ was having emergency surgery. We scarcely had time to take it in. JJ said last night that he keeps expecting to “freak out” about all this now that it is all over, but he continues to feel very upbeat and calm.
I’m quite sure it’s due to all the prayers on our behalf.
The last few years we’ve experienced a lot of difficult things, such as EJ’s Dad dying and his nephew getting killed in Afghanistan. Our spirits were getting tired. A week or so ago, I asked God to please give us a sense of His comforting love. I KNOW God loves us, and I KNOW He is good, but sometimes it’s just nice to be reminded, you know? I mean, a wife might know her husband loves her, but she still wants to be told and shown occasionally, especially when she’s tired and having a bad week. It’s like that.
I wouldn’t have chosen to have my son get cancer (NOT AT ALL!), but through this experience, God has overwhelmed us with His love by the loving support and prayers of people around the world. I know I keep mentioning it, but I have never experienced such an outpouring of love before and I am finding it utterly amazing.
Just before JJ needed surgery, a former co-worker of EJ’s knocked on our door and asked to buy our RV. This gave us extra money going into this emergency. And this morning a friend EJ hasn’t seen in quite some time (I think he moved to a different state a few years ago) knocked on our door and asked EJ if he could buy an item of EJ’s that he wanted. In the last day or so, every time we turn around, something like this is happening.
It’s amazing. It’s refreshing. It’s strengthening. We are joyfully overwhelmed. It’s like being at an oasis after a long hard journey.
Death Blinked
Today I think that sun is shining brighter, the sky is bluer, and the autumn leaves are more colorful than ever before.
I feel weak with relief. My spirit is trembling with relief. My legs feel as if they can barely hold me up.
I feel as if we have stared into a nightmare, into the face of Death…and Death blinked and backed away.
This isn’t the first time Death has blinked.
Five years after EJ and I got married, I discovered that I was pregnant. We were absolutely overjoyed. We had been trying for a long time, praying and longing for children. Our joy turned to sorrow when, during a doctor visit in which we were to hear the baby’s heartbeat for the first time, we discovered that the baby had died. I think the most horrifying thing about this time is that I had to wait two weeks to have surgery to remove the lifeless precious one from my womb. Two weeks of tears. “Poor little one,” I whispered. “So very sorry I couldn’t keep you safe and give you life.”
A month later, I became pregnant again. About the same point in the pregnancy, I began to bleed. I remember a fear-filled journey home from work, tears streaming down my face as I cried to God, “Please, do not let me lose this one. I cannot bear to lose two babies in one month.”
I didn’t lose the baby. I spent most of my pregnancy bedridden. Poor EJ was working 12 and 16 hour days and having to come home and take care of me. Difficult days.
I went into labor at 12:30 a.m. on my due date. JJ was born about 12 hours later. The birth was rather difficult. JJ had broad shoulders and he got stuck in the birth canal. I tore and it took a long time to sew up the tears. I was tired and scarcely aware that JJ wasn’t breathing when he was born. The worst thing was that the person who was supposed to fill the oxygen tank hadn’t done her job. It was empty. A call went out, “Get oxygen up here STAT!” Apparently the woman was on her break and didn’t rush to respond to the emergency call. The medical staff used a mask and a squeeze bag to put oxygen into JJ’s body. Finally, he coughed and began to breathe and cry. Our precious baby was alive. He had made it.
We challenged death, and again Death blinked and backed away.
A week after JJ was born, I began to hemorrhage badly. EJ rushed me to the hospital. The medical staff was able to stop the bleeding, and they sent me home a few hours later. Two days later, I began to hemorrhage again, even more badly than before. My blood pressure dropped to nothing. I needed emergency blood transfusions. Later, EJ told me that I kept talking about seeing a beautiful field filled with beautiful flowers. The doctor and nurses were crying as they tried to keep me alive. I remember EJ kept squeezing my hand. “I love you,” he repeated. “Don’t leave me. I love you.” I remembered feeling slightly irritated. Part of me wanted him to let me be, to stop bringing me back. The other part didn’t want to leave him or my baby son. I came back. I lived.
Death blinked again and backed away.
I know that God is good, and God is loving. I know He can and does answer prayer. But I also know that Death does not always blink or back away. Loved ones sometimes die. Bad things happen. So when Death threatens, I confront it. I do not pretend to myself that bad things can’t happen. I ask myself, “If the worst happens, can I endure? Will my faith endure? Can I see that God is good?”
This time, as JJ faced cancer, he and I and EJ stared Death in the face together. We honestly faced and dealt with our deepest fears–fears of losing our only son. I am so proud of how my son faced this. He was so courageous, had such a positive attitude. JJ said this morning, “You and Dad were very calm about this. You handled it very well….except for the couple of times when you cried.”
And you, my friends, linked arms and faced Death with us, supporting us with love and prayers. And Death blinked and back away.
I am not unchanged by this experienced. This experience has brought me, EJ, and JJ even closer. And we are humbled by the love of God expressed through a worldwide outpouring of love from friends and strangers.
I have an even greater compassion for those with sick loved ones. Our ordeal lasted about three days (three horribly long days that feel like one very long day), but many must endure weeks and months and years of suffering with a loved one. And at the end, Death doesn’t always blink and back away. I am amazed at the incredible strength and faith of these people.
Thank You All!
We got to the hospital earlier than scheduled this morning, but as soon as we checked in the nurse said that Jared was a priority and they got him immediately prepped for the surgery without waiting for the scheduled time of his surgery. He went into surgery about an hour and a half before his scheduled time. As the nurses prepped him for surgery, he became a precious toddler in my eyes, small and vulnerable and defenseless.
Our greatest concern was that the cancer had spread. When the doctor met with us before surgery, he said that the CT scan was clear. We felt so relieved.
EJ’s sister and her son came to the hospital and sat with us while we waited. They were such a blessing. I also had friends texting me encouragement throughout. I love technology. I felt so encouraged and overwhelmed by the love and support of people around the world who were praying for our son. Everyone was such a blessing to us, including those of you who read this blog.
When JJ was in recovery and we could rejoin him, the nurses told us he was an incredible young man. Later the doctor said that the surgery went very well. He sent the mass to pathology and should get a report back in 5-7 days.
JJ is now at home and doing quite well. He had a good attitude through it all and was very courageous. The nursing staff said he is a remarkable young man.
We have survived a parent’s greatest nightmare. Thank you again for all your support! You gave us strength!
In the Night
We are all sleeping fitfully this night.
JJ fell asleep on the couch as soon as we got home from a whirlwind day of medical exams and tests. He has been video-chatting with a friend across the country. He is actually handling this quite well. We have a courageous son.
EJ slept a bit in his recliner. I heard him and JJ’s voices talking at some point in the night. EJ has also chatted with family and friends on FB.
I tried to sleep on the little loveseat. It’s not the most comfortable place to sleep. It’s too short, for one thing. About 4 p.m. I went upstairs to try to sleep. I know that I need energy for the coming day. The bed is comfortable, but the aloneness is not. After a few minutes of crying in the lonely dark, I headed back downstairs to rejoin EJ and JJ.
I have been trying to share what has happened in general terms so as not to embarrass JJ, but he said a few moments ago that I have his permission to share exactly what is happening. Who knows? Maybe this will help others be aware–more than we were.
JJ has a mass in one of his testicles. The mass is very big. Like the size of a baseball. The urologist said that there is a more than 95+ chance that the mass is cancerous. He said that if JJ were in Stage 1, trying to do a biopsy would push him immediately into Stage 4. So the testicle is being removed in a few hours. We only hope the cancer hasn’t spread. I am worried because JJ has gotten very thin. We thought he wasn’t eating because of the stress of working and starting college. He’s been very, very busy. Jared said that at first he thought, “Oh, wow, I’m a MAN!” Uh, they don’t get THAT big, son.
This has happened so quickly that we are stunned. We haven’t had time to adjust to anything. We believe that God is good, and He loves us, and He will help us through no matter what we have to face. However, we also are facing a terrible thing: Cancer, a person’s worse nightmare, a parent’s greatest fear. We want to hang on to hope, but not false hope. We know that God can heal. However, we also know that sometimes really awful things happen. To me, faith isn’t about only trusting God in good times, and it isn’t about trusting Him only if things turn out the way that we want–in this case, that JJ would come through this ok. Faith also involves trusting God when our world is falling apart.
I once went through a very difficult time. Well, actually I have been through many difficult times, but in this particular time, I cried with a friend. And after we had cried and talked for a bit, she said, “You know, TJ, your faith and my faith isn’t pretty. It’s messy. We cry and struggle. But deep down below the messiness there is within us a solid foundation that says, “I love and trust God and I will not let Him go.”
I have always believed in honesty, in being real about where I am. My faith isn’t always pretty. I don’t want this thing to happen to JJ. I want to be angry, but I don’t know who to be angry towards. My heart breaks that JJ has to endure this surgery. I do not know how I will endure if the cancer has spread. One moment at a time, I expect.
Meanwhile, we try to face this honestly. JJ says, “You know, this really sucks.” And we agree. It does. He says, “I can endure losing a testicle, but it’s going to be really bad if the doctor finds out that I have to lose two, or that the cancer has spread through my body.” Absolutely. We agree. He said, “Oh, wow, if I get through this, does that mean I can wear a ‘I survived cancer’ t-shirt?” Of course. He also is honestly looking at the possibility that he might not ever be able to have children. Only one testicle is involved right now, but if it spread to two? “I’d adopt,” he says.
EJ and I are facing the nightmare of having a sick child. We would suffer this for him if we could. I feel as if I am on the edge of a cliff. We are thinking, “How can we endure if JJ’s cancer spreads?” Please, my Adonai, do not let it have spread. Please let us have joy at the end of this day. But if not, help us endure.
Our friend finished working on my not-working computer a day or two ago, but we haven’t had time to retrieve it. EJ is sharing his computer with me. A few minutes after I rejoined my family, EJ handed his computer to me and settled back down in his recliner to try to sleep a little bit more.
I am overwhelmed by the love and support and prayers of people. As I read the comments here and elsewhere, tears slipped down my face. “Stop crying, Mom!” JJ said. Ok. I wiped the tears away.
But I am crying because I am scared and I am crying because God won’t let me go through this alone. He is sending wonderful people.
Near, Not Alone
First thing this morning I called the specialist, as directed, to get an appointment for our son JJ. The doctor took a moment to look at the reports that had been sent to him and then said that he wanted us to get to his office ASAP. So we got there as quickly as we could. The doctor examined JJ and said that there was a 95+ percent chance that the mass was malignant. He said JJ needed surgery to remove the mass. He ordered blood tests and a CT scan to make sure the cancer has not spread to other parts of his body. He will have surgery tomorrow at 12:30 to remove the mass.
JJ has been really healthy through his life and has never experienced being a patient in a hospital and all that it involves. Now he has experienced blood tests, an ultrasound, and a CT scan, all in just a couple of days. He is also experiencing not being able to work, having to drop out of college, and many other difficult possibilities.
Jared is handling this all pretty well, considering. We try to keep things light so he can laugh. I am very glad that he can vocalize his questions and fears. We don’t try to offer him false platitudes but let him express that he hates this, or is afraid, or ask questions of how this will affect his life. We honestly discuss the realities of the situation and the options we have.
As parents, we have to face the greatest fear a parent can have. We have to face the fear that our only son is sick, that his cancer could have spread, as well as the fear that we could lose him. These are hard things. We are aware that no matter how strong a person’s faith is, sometimes heartbreaking things happen. Pretending it can’t happen isn’t helpful to me. Knowing it can happen and then struggling to trust God with it is more honest to me. We know He is near, but it’s ok to cry.
Of tremendous comfort are those who have gone through this sort of heartache, who understand the fear. To have them wrap their arms around us and cry with us and give us their wisdom is of great value. One friend, who has a disabled son, wrote such a beautiful letter. Part of it says:
Whatever you want to share or talk about – I am here for all of you…I am weeping with you my friends and maybe this will be one of the times that we see Adonai work His miracles – I am praying for it – pleading for it. There is a hope for our children,TJ. Yeshua [Jesus] is collecting up all the tears we weep and bringing them before the Father.
I am crying too hard to say things the way I mean and to be encouraging. You are a strong family and your faith is strong. Hang onto Yeshua and He will not let you go! He is our strength and our refuge – we can hide in the shelter of His wings. Hide there and you will remain strong.
Other friends have written similar things, and I feel strengthened by their tears and love
. It is also a comfort that so many friends are praying for JJ, and they are asking their friends to pray for him. It’s like a web reaching around the country and world. How awesome.
We are exhausted.
We are all sleeping downstairs tonight on recliners and couches. We need to be near each other, not alone.
An Unwanted Journey
Today we started out on a new journey, one that we never wanted to have to take.
Last night JJ told us about a health issue he was having. First thing this morning we went to a doctor about it. She told us to go immediately to the ER in a big hospital about an hour away for an ultrasound.
The results weren’t as good as we wanted. JJ has a mass. We don’t know yet if it’s benign or malignant. First thing tomorrow morning we have to call an urologist and get things going. Hopefully we can get in right away.
On the way home, JJ said, “You are being calm about this.” I think we are actually rather numb right now. It hasn’t sunk in. I told JJ that I think that the hardest point is before you have a diagnosis because then you fluctuate between hope that it is minor and fear that it is not. Once you have a diagnosis, even if it’s bad, you begin focusing on treatment and what to do next.
JJ has begun considering how this will affect college, work, and his future. Should he quit college? Quit work? It’s a lot to deal with. I told him to take one thing at a time, hold on to God, and seize moments of joy.
We stopped for Chinese food on the way home. A moment of joy.
Interesting Things
On Monday, EJ and I went to the book sale at the library. We can’t resist book sales. We ended up buying another couple dozen books for $3.20.
As we arrived at the library, we saw an older man on foot pull a good-sized wagon and park on the library lawn. EJ talked to him a bit and discovered that he is walking across America. Usually people who are walking or biking across the country have some reason for doing so–a personal challenge, to experience the country up close, or to raise awareness for a cause. EJ said this man didn’t say why he was making this journey. He just said that he is looking for a place to rent over the winter before continuing on his way in the Spring. I thought it was really interesting.
I often think that there are interesting people and events happening all the time. Some of them are big and some are small. Today EJ and I went to the grocery store, and we saw a woman with a dog on a leash at the deli counter inside the store. I always enjoy encountering cats or dogs in a store, but usually they are not allowed in grocery stores unless they are service dogs. Usually service dogs have vests on indicating that they are working. This dog had nothing of the sort. We wondered why there was a dog in the store. Did the woman sneak the dog in? Did she have permission from the store? And, if so, what was the reason? We will probably never know, but it’s interesting to speculate.
I have been caring for my neighbor’s little dog while she at a wedding in another state. I walk the two blocks to her house twice a day–once in the morning and once in the evening–to let the dog out and feed him. I think caring for an animal involves more than just providing for his physical needs. It also involves giving him love and attention. However Keno is very timid and skittish and for four days he kept out of my reach, running away when I got close to him. I kept speaking gently to him, and when he was ready to come back inside, I would gently pull on his chain to draw him close and pet him. He always ran away as soon as I got him unchained and in the house.
Monday morning, for the first time, he came close to me on his own. I sat down on the couch and he pressed his little body against my leg so I could pet him. That night when I had provided for his physical needs, I sat on the couch again and he ran up to me and jump into my lap. I held him for about 20 minutes, talking to him and stroking him. Now we are buddies. He watches for me at the window and greets me with excitement when I come into the house. As soon as I finish caring for him and sit in the big chair, he leaps into my lap and cuddles with me.
Keno reminds me of little fawn. He is very small and delicate, with doe-like eyes. His face is very expressive. He studies my face intently, as if he is trying to see what will please me. When I talked to him, his ears perk up. He is very adorable. I’m always somewhat sorry to leave him because I think he must be lonely. I spend as much time as I can with him. His owner will return in a few days.
Today was a beautiful sunny day. This afternoon I went outside and harvested my sunflowers.
My Birthday Gift
Today is my birthday. I am <mumble, mumble> years old. 🙂
For my birthday gift, EJ is going to build floor-to-ceiling book shelves along one wall of our living room. I can’t wait. We have an upstairs room stuffed with books; it will be wonderful to have our favorite books downstairs where they are more accessible. We would have bought the materials for the shelves today, but it rained so we will get them another day.
I enjoy gifts, but my favorite birthday gifts are memories. I love to simply spend time with my family doing something enjoyable. Often for my birthday we go on a drive enjoying the beautiful autumn trees and talking. One year we drove to a beautiful bird sanctuary. Some years we have driven to cider mills. Today EJ and I drove to a home improvement store for insulation.
Ok, that might sound like an awful sort of gift, but I actually loved it. First we drove to East Lansing where Michigan State University is located. There are a lot of interesting shops and restaurants there. EJ planned to surprise me by stopping at an Asian Market for “real” kimchee. However, the market was closed today. Oh, well. We stopped at a Chinese restaurant to eat. I love Chinese food. It was interesting because we were the only non-Chinese people in this restaurant. The food was delicious. The portions were huge, so we ate what we could and then boxed up the rest for JJ. He is a late night-owl and hates home improvement stores, so we didn’t wake him this morning to go with us.
After we ate, we finally got around to stopping at the home improvement store. EJ and I love to browse through home improvement stores. We dream and drool over tools and fancy appliances and kitchen cabinets and bathroom showers and admire the color and texture of various things. We exclaim, “Oh, would you love this in our bathroom?” or “We could do our cabinets like that.” We discuss future projects. Today we admired a beautiful bathroom sink that looked like a leaf. We loved the color and texture of it even though it wouldn’t really work in our house. EJ lingered over a wood-splitter and he got a huge case of “lust” for a new washer and dryer that were on sale. We have a stackable washer/dryer in the bathroom, but the washer part quit working a year or so ago, so we’ve been washing our clothes at the local laundromat and bringing them home to dry. We only have space for a stackable washer/dryer, but the bad thing about a stackable is that if it breaks, we have to replace the whole unit. We have begun discussing the possibility of taking out the bathtub and putting in a shower so we can fit a regular washer and dryer in the bathroom. After EJ finished talking to the salesperson, I reminded him that I don’t need a fancy new washer and dryer–I would be happy with used ones. He agreed. We left the store with the insulation and nothing else.
After a brief stop at Gander Mountain, a sporting goods store, we drove to a wonderful grocery store that has the feel of a farm market. It has fruits and veggies, flowers, free coffee, and sometimes live music. It has regular fruits and veggies like apples, oranges, potatoes, and cabbage, but it also has very exotic produce that we’ve seen nowhere else–like cactus leaves and star fruit. Some of the produce looks like alien food from a science fiction movie.
I also love the store because of the people. I love to people-watch, and there are so many interesting people from many different cultures at this store. Sometimes there are brief encounters. Today, a man saw me put cinnamon sticks in our shopping cart and he asked, “Is that cinnamon?” I explained that I use an electric coffee grinder to grind my own cinnamon. It’s cheaper that way. He thought that was interesting. We walked a little further and a store employee saw the bottle of Sholom wine in our cart. He asked, “Is that Sholom wine? I’ve often thought about trying it, but never have. Is it any good?” So we paused and explained that whenever we go to this store, we buy at least one thing that we have never had before, just to try it. Sometimes we like the strange food and sometimes we don’t, but it’s always interesting to try. This time, our strange new “food” was the wine. Usually we have kosher grape juice for Shabbat, but this time we decided to try the kosher wine. We talked to this young man for maybe five or ten minutes. It was fun. A few minutes later, as I was scooping peanuts into a bag, I heard a woman walking by say to her companion, “…I would like that. I am not a reader…” Just a snippet of conversation that caught my interest. “How can ANYONE not be a reader???” I thought with horror.
Rain had threatened all day and finally hit as we left the store. It was a gentle rain that was not unpleasant to walk through. All the way home, I shelled the peanuts we bought at the store, giving one to EJ and then one to me. When we reached home, JJ helped us unload the groceries. Then we got out the leftover Chinese food. We let JJ have most of it because he hadn’t eaten all day and he loves Chinese food as much as I do. Yum.
Later, at twilight, as EJ and I walked to our neighbor’s house to care for her little dog while she is away, I looked for a rainbow. The setting sun was shining on dark rainclouds so I thought there was a good chance for one. At first I couldn’t find any, but then I spotted a small one just above the trees. It was beautiful.
It was a wonderful gift of a memorable day.
Enjoyable Temptations
This was one of those days when I was busy from sunrise to sunset. However, it was an enjoyable busy and an enjoyable day.
I woke just before 7:30 a.m. and immediately started making challah bread. I knew we had errands to run, so I wanted to get it braided and rising for the last time before we left. After I got it rising for the first time, I made pancake batter for breakfast. I put in whole wheat flour, buckwheat flour, oatmeal, wheat germ, cinnamon, and apples. It’s a filling hearty meal.
As soon as we ate breakfast, EJ and I loaded some stuff that we were donating to the Hospice store. Danny tried to come along, jumping in the car through an open door, but we had no room for him so I had to pull him out of the car and into the house. He wasn’t happy.
We dropped the stuff at the first Hospice store in a larger town about 30 minutes away. One of EJ and my favorite things to do is drive through beautiful countryside and talk. The drive is a delight because every day the trees get more and more colorful. When we had dropped the items off, we drove to the furniture Hospice store across town. I had seen a behind-the-couch table the last time we were there, and we wanted to consider it. However, it was already sold and gone. Oh, well. No great loss.
We drove on to the grocery store for groceries. EJ bought me a couple jars of Kim-chee. He knows that I like it so he often sneaks some into the shopping cart when we go to this store. I developed a taste for Kim-chee when my Korean sister-in-law made it for my family when she first came to the USA years ago. Yum.
On the way home, as we drove through another town, we decided to stop at the Farmer’s Market that is set up every Friday in the Hospital parking lot. While EJ bought honey and maple syrup, I stopped at the booth of the lady selling herbs. I have bought herbs from this woman before and she is very willing to share her knowledge of herbs. I wanted to buy a sage plant. I have sage already growing in my herb garden, but it is very large and I want to try to grow herbs inside during the winter so I need a small plant. I selected a sage plant and then the woman showed me some tarragon and invited me to break off a leaf and taste it. It tasted very good, sort of licorice-ish. I set a tarragon plant next to my sage plant. I will have to read up on how to use it in cooking. I saw a plant called Lady’s Mantle and asked the herb lady about it. She said that these days it’s grown mostly for ornament. She said it’s very pretty. So I bought one. All three plants didn’t cost very much. A man was playing a guitar and singing as we shopped. EJ dropped some money in his case as we left. It was fun. I think next week is the last Farmer’s Market until Spring. I will miss it. Farmer’s Markets are delightful.
When EJ and I got home, we carried in the groceries and I put my challah bread in the oven to bake. While it was baking, EJ and I decided to stop at a couple of yard sales we saw down the street. We love thrift stores and yard sales. We didn’t buy anything. We returned home and I scrambled to finish baking the bread and fixing soup.
After EJ left for work, I drove to the elevator at the end of our street to buy cat food. Then I drove to the other end of our small village for our mail. Our village is so small that there is no home delivery within village limits. We all have post office boxes. I was dismayed by this when we first moved here–I mean, whoever heard of no mail delivery??? However, I quickly learned to enjoy walking the two blocks to the post office every day. I had no mail today, but the post office is right next to our library and I had read on Facebook that the library was having a used book sale. We love thrift stores, yard sales, and book sales. The book sale was large with books for sale everywhere, on every table and in boxes under tables. It was a booklover’s paradise. The books were very cheap: 25 cents for a hardcover book and 10 cents for a paperback. I had a very happy few minutes browsing through all the books. I bought a couple dozen. All those books only cost me about three dollars! Later on Facebook I hinted that the library should continue the sale next week so EJ could enjoy it as well and our librarian commented, “Your wish is my command.” We have the sweetest librarian. That’s one of the perks of living in a very small town. We don’t have mail delivery, but we have sweet librarians.
When I got home, I took Danny for his walk. We had a risk for some storms, but the storms have gone around us, as they often do, so the walk was nice although it was humid. We met some neighbors–a husband and wife–walking together. As the wife gave Danny some lovings, she said that she never knows if some dogs are friendly, especially if they are running free, but Danny is so cute and lovable and wanting to greet everyone that he makes her laugh and she loves to pet him. Danny has a lot of friends along our route. The kids all know his name. A little further along our route Danny and I encountered a couple more garage sales so we stopped at them. I didn’t see anything I wanted, which is just as well since I didn’t have any money with me. I did, however, enjoy a nice chat with a couple of women holding one of the sales.
JJ left for work, and I spent the next few hours doing dishes, cleaning the house, and planting my new herbs. The sage and tarragon I put in pots and brought into the house. Winter better come soon or I will have a jungle in my house as I add more plants on my window sills. I weeded my herb garden for a while to make room for the Lady’s Mantle.
Then it was time to go care for my neighbor’s dog, Keno. This neighbor lives two blocks away. She is actually the sister-in-law of my very dear friend who moved away several years ago. The family is going to a wedding out-of-state and she asked me to care for her little dog while she is gone. Starting today, I have to go every morning and evening to feed the dog and let it outside. Keno is quite cute, but he doesn’t know me very well, so he was a bit nervous to have me there. He kept barking at me and running away. I was calm and gentle as I tried to reassure him and make friends with him. He let me pet him finally, although he was still unsure of me.
When I got home again, I prepared parsley for drying in the dehydrator. I am looking for a parsley plant or seeds to grow, but until then I just bought cut parsley at the grocery store today. I want to be able to make Scarborough Tea this winter.
Finally, I was done with the tasks of the day and could sit down and relax. It was a beautiful day, filled with enjoyable temptations.
Autumn Projects
Yesterday morning EJ and I got another load of firewood from our friend RB’s place. We just put the wood into the back of the pickup truck rather than try to pull the trailer home. Today’s wood was heavier–we took the lighter pieces yesterday–so EJ did most of the work. I moved the ones that I could. We picked a couple more apples, but this time I guarded them so Danny couldn’t steal them. They were tasty.
The day was beautiful so we took Danny along with us. I didn’t want to risk Danny running away in unfamiliar surroundings and I wasn’t sure how he would react to the chickens so I kept him on his leash. His leash is retractable and long so he could wander a little. He was pretty calm around the chickens. He occasionally looked at them but didn’t get excited about them.
When we got back home, EJ and I unloaded the firewood. Then EJ dragged out the junk steel we wanted to take to the steel place today. I fixed lunch and then I spent most of the rest of the day working in my garden. I am planning to change my gardens a bit for next year, maybe take out some ground cover and planting edible plants or veggies. EJ and I discussed where we would plant a couple of dwarf apple trees and some blueberry bushes. EJ reminded me that blackberry leaves can be used to make tea, so I cut back some of the bushes and stripped them of their leaves. I began to dry them in our food dehydrators yesterday, and worked on it some more today after I had finished all my other tasks.
This morning EJ and I loaded the steel into the truck and then we (and Danny) drove to the steel place. They buy steel. We drove up on a scale and they weighed our truck. Then we drove to a spot where we threw the steel stuff out. When we emptied the truck, we drove back onto the scale and the difference between the full truck and the empty truck is calculated. Then EJ drove up to the office and was given money for the steel. The old microwave, lawnmower, and water heater we got rid of gained us $21.88.
On our way home, we stopped at a home improvement store. EJ bought a fence panel and gate hardware so he can make a gate. He will complete this project when he has time and a sunny day. We got home just in time to make and eat lunch. Then it was off to work for EJ.
After JJ got home from college, I took Danny to the vet. He suffers from skin allergies at this time of year so he needs a shot to stop his itching. He already had a shot a few weeks ago, but he started scratching again and I could tell he was feeling very miserable again. As soon as Danny and I walked into the vet’s, Danny peed all over the floor. He has never done that before and I felt bad about the mess, but the staff said not to worry about it, it happens frequently. While the vet was giving Danny his shot, he asked how all our cats are doing. I told him about Luke teaching himself to use the toilet. He thought Luke was a genius to teach himself to use it. I think he is pretty amazing too.
The Apple Thief
After JJ left for school and we had eaten breakfast and cleared a bit of sleepiness from our heads, EJ and I drove to our friend RB’s place in the country to get a load of the firewood that he said we could have. He had stacked the wood high in an old trailer made from a pickup truck. It was stacked too high for us to hitch the trailer to our truck, and it didn’t have a hitch ball (or whatever it is called) so we just loaded some of the wood into our truck. As soon as we can, we will come back and pull the trailer with the rest of the wood to our house to unload.
The trailer was nestled in the weeds next to an apple tree. We each picked an apple from the tree. EJ ate his right away, but I decided to save mine until later. I put it in on the seat in the truck. We drove home and then unloaded the wood into the woodshed.
We had bricks stacked in front of the RV, but now that it is sold and gone, we moved the bricks to another out-of-the way place. I got a lot of the bricks moved yesterday. Usually I carry four or five bricks at a time, but these bricks had a lot of spiders and bugs on them, so first I threw them on the grass and then I tapped them to dislodge creepy crawlies. i carried only two bricks at a time because I didn’t want to have an armload of bricks and have bugs crawl all over me. Today EJ helped me move the rest, but he went and got the wheelbarrow and loaded them in. It went a lot faster that way.
While i went in to fix lunch, EJ measured the opening in the fence where the RV had been parked. Thursday we hope to take a load of steel (from an old microwave, old lawn mower, and old water heater) to the steel place. They pay for steel. Then we will go to a home improvement store to buy a piece of fencing and other stuff we need for projects. We are developing a list of all the tasks we want/need to complete. The list is getting long, but the tasks are fun when we do them together.
A couple of days ago my computer broke. The fan had been making funny noises for quite some time, so i think it needs to be replaced. It also needs to be cleaned. AND it suddenly stopped charging for some reason. A broken computer is a very, very horrid thing, but I might survive because my dear husband is letting me share his computer. He uses it when he is home, and I use it when he is at work. His computer keyboard is a little different from mine and none of my bookmarks or pictures are on it so I miss my computer, but I am grateful I have a computer to use. We have a friend who is knowledgeable of computers and he is going to try to fix mine. I really, really hope he can fix it. My computer is my precious.
We took my computer to our friend today after lunch. He was at work (he works at the same company as EJ but a different shift) and left it with his wife. We invited Danny to go with us. He eagerly jumped into the truck…and immediately stole the apple that was still lying on the seat. I had my camera with me so I took a picture of him. I decided that I would not eat the apple after all.
After EJ left for work, i took Danny, the Apple Thief, for our walk. The day was very beautiful. It was cloudy today, although it didn’t rain. Some of the trees are colorful, although many of them are still mostly green. We have not yet reached the peak of color. I love the colors of fall–the beautiful trees, the colors of the fields, and the deep blue sky or very dramatic dark clouds. On our route, Danny and I always walk past a new community park the village is developing. I walked down a trail in the park just a bit so i could take a picture of the scenery. Our village is very small–about four blocks wide and long–and the park is on the edge of fields.
After our walk, i dug up some mint, oregano, thyme, and fennel plants and put them in pots and added them to my collection of indoor plants. I hope that I can keep them alive over the winter. I dry herbs from my garden, but i think it would be nice to be able to have fresh herbs too. I have clusters of plants at all my livingroom and kitchen windows.
Today was a wonderful day.
“Come Little Leaves…”
Autumn is here! Every day is beautiful in autumn, no matter what the weather is. I like rainy autumn days because I feel cozy. I like sunny autumn days because the sunshine lights up the colorful trees.
The two maple trees in our front yard are getting more and more colorful. They always turn a brilliant shade of red. I honestly think they are the most beautiful trees in the village.
When I was two years old my elderly neighbor, a widow who had had no children, began to take me to church with her. It wasn’t too long before I (and later my younger sister when she turned three years old) began to spend Saturday night and all day Sunday at her house. My parents had six children and it was just easier and less hectic for my sister and I to spend the night at Mrs. K’s house and have her get us ready for church. We loved spending the weekend with Mrs. K and I have many special memories of those days with her. She read stories to us, and played games with us, and many other things.
One of my special memories is that every autumn, Mrs. K recited an autumn poem. It wasn’t long before my sister and I memorized it and recited it with her. Although Mrs. K died long ago, I find myself carrying on her tradition of reciting the autumn poem. I taught the poem to my son as well, and every year we recited it together as he grew up.
Mrs. K also had a poem she recited every Spring….but that will have to wait until Spring.
Friday was special because we had a guest for Shabbat. The 18-year-old daughter of our friend RB has celebrated a couple of the Biblical feasts with us, and she enjoys them so much that she asked to celebrate Shabbat with us. She says she always learns so much and feels as if she has feasted on Scripture when she is with us. After EJ left for work, she and I talked for hours. It was so much fun. She is starting college tomorrow and her life will get super busy, but I told her she can celebrate with us whenever she can.
EJ and I woke up this morning to a rainy day. We spent quite a while sipping coffee and deciding what to do with the day. We wrote a list, and then decided to begin with making a stew for lunch. I peeled potatoes and carrots and an onion and EJ put it all together. He also made a sort of sweet potato pie. Yum.
We were planning to get a load of firewood from our friend, but then there was a knock on the door. It was a former now-retired co-worker friend of EJ’s. EJ invited him in, but the guy said something–all I heard was “murmer, murmer, murmer”–and EJ went outside. I didn’t know why he came to our house, but I spontaneously prayed, “PLEASE let him want to buy our RV.” We have been hoping to sell it because we haven’t managed to find the time to enjoy it–and even if we did have the time, we really no longer have anyone to watch our cats for us. The only activity we do with our RV these days is maintain it, which is becoming a burden.
After a while, EJ came back inside. He said that his friend had come to our door to ask us if we wanted to sell our RV. He wanted to buy it. EJ showed him the RV and explained its flaws. His friend kept saying, “That’s no problem.” He left while EJ charged the battery and returned later with money–and then he and his wife drove off with the RV. Yay! Although we had fun in it, it’s a relief to have it gone. It’s also nice to have an unblocked view again.
Now we have a new task on our list of autumn tasks: Our RV was too long for our driveway, which is wider than it is long, so we had to drive its nose past the fence and a little bit into our back yard. Now that the RV is gone, we have to put up a gate again to enclose our yard. We will have to buy another fence piece.
We never did any get to our friend’s place for firewood. Tomorrow.
Autumn Chores
Autumn has arrived and the leaves are changing colors, although they aren’t yet as beautiful as they will be in a few weeks. Even though we’ve had some warmish days, they feel cooler. The nights are definitely cooler–some nights the temperature has dipped into the 30s. It was so cool one evening that we built a small fire in the wood stove–and then it got so hot inside that we turned on the fan. EJ had placed bricks behind the wood stove for thermal mass and it really held the heat. I think EJ said it was 89 degrees. We are going to be toasty warm this winter.
We have been busy trying to prepare for winter. Over the weekend, EJ harvested most of the veggies in the garden. I cut back some of the berry bushes. I also brought in the plants from the front porch. I could have kept them outside for a bit longer, but I couldn’t resist bringing them in on a cool evening. I feel like doing autumn chores. I have more plants to bring into the house this year than previous years–two Rosemary plants, a Bay, a Lilac, two Ginger, horseradish, two cacti, and my spider plant, which my cat Tessla slept in so it’s looking quite pathetic. I also dug up a little bit of mint today and hope it will grow in a pot over the winter. I’d like to find some parsley to grow inside because I just discovered that mine died in the garden over the summer. I don’t know if I will find any at this late date, however.
Most of our windows are quite narrow, but our window sills are very wide–perfect for window plants. However this year the plants are in big pots so I can fit only a few in each window. The others will be on stands near the windows. The cats love to sleep on the wide window sills also so I have to leave space for them or they will sleep in my plants and squash them. I happily keep moving the heavy plants to find the best place for them all. Once the window air conditioner is taken out, I can put some plants in that window as well.
Sunday afternoon we visited EJ’s friend. RB has a place in the country about five miles from us. He has some old trees that he took down and he is going to give us the wood–maybe about 6 face cords. He even cut it all up. We just have to find the time to go get it. In previous years we got wood during the week and then EJ could drive the car to work while JJ and I unloaded the truck. However, with JJ driving the car, it’s harder to find the time to get wood because we’d have to get it all unloaded in the mornings before EJ goes to work. He can hardly drive a truck full of wood to work. Really, the only day we can get it is Sunday, and often Sundays are busy too. But I think RB has a wagon so maybe we can tow it to our place and then unhitch it and I can spend the afternoon unloading it.
RB also gave us three dozen eggs from his chickens, and said we could have more. His chickens are free range and they followed us as we walked around RB’s place. I thought the chickens were very beautifully colored. They made me feel sort of wistful. If we had a place in the country, I’d raise beautiful chickens too. And I’d have fruit trees and a big garden and maybe a cow or steer. And maybe I’d have bees so I could have my own honey. <Wistful Sigh> Maybe someday…
This morning EJ and I had to go to the store in a town about 30 minutes from us. It is the only local store that sells the delicious grape juice we use for Shabbat. The hospice stores are in the same town and EJ remembered that the last time we were there he saw a couple of glass doors that might work for the book cases EJ is planning to build in our living room. We love books and have a room upstairs filled to overflowing with books. I can’t wait to have floor-to-ceiling shelves downstairs where they are more accessible.
Anyway, since we were in the same town, we stopped in at the hospice store to check out the doors. They were two glass doors for $15, but we decided that they wouldn’t be suitable. They were actually exterior doors and too thick for a bookcase. However, while we were at the store, we wandered around through the rooms and we saw the perfect Lazyboy recliner chair for EJ. His current chair is shabby and falling apart so we had been planning to buy him a new one as soon as a suitable one showed up at the store. We didn’t expect it to happen so soon. It was only $35.
We also found a very nice sturdy, well-built, four-drawer Steelcase file cabinet. I have been wanting to find a four-drawer file cabinet for a long time because my two two-drawer file cabinets take up too much floor space. Our house is smaller inside than it looks like from the outside so we are always trying to be more organized and space-saving. At first I told EJ that we probably shouldn’t get it–maybe wait until he got paid again. The file cabinet was so inexpensive, however, that EJ insisted on getting it also. A bargain like that doesn’t happen every day and there’s no guarantee that it would still be there in a couple of weeks. I think that if we bought it new it would cost about $200. EJ will use the old file cabinets in his shop in the basement.
EJ and I had so much fun together today. We are very blessed in that we are best friends who enjoy hanging out together.
The Hospice Store
Today was a splendiforous day. I love that word. It just rolls off the tongue. It means magnificent and wonderful.
After JJ had left for school, EJ and I set off to the hospice store in a nearby town. The hospice store is a thrift store which raises money for the hospice. There are actually two hospice stores in the same town run by the same organization. One store has smaller items like clothes, books, toys, dishes, and knick-knacks. The other has larger items like couches, tables, dressers, beds, and exercise equipment. We enjoy them both. Today we set off for the second store to search for a couch to replace the one our cat, Annie, ruined.
I love thrift stores and yard sales. I love that shopping at thrift stores is a lot like treasure hunting. We never know what we might find. We might find nothing or we might find something totally unique. Often we can buy good quality items for not much money. Also, I love that I don’t stress if a secondhand item gets stained or ripped, which is important if there are pets in the home (or small children). I mean, it’s one thing to have a cat pee on a $10 couch and quite another to have her pee on a $1,000 couch that has to be replaced with another $1,000 couch.
The hospice store has rooms filled with furniture. Sometimes we go there even when we aren’t shopping for furniture. We just like to browse. But today we went there hoping to find a couch. I have missed having a couch. I tried to get used to sitting in the wingback chair, but it just wasn’t as comfortable. And I couldn’t curl up and fall asleep in the chair if I got tired while waiting for EJ to get home from work.
EJ and I wandered through the rooms and found a lot of couches. The style of many didn’t suit us. Some weren’t comfortable. Then we found a couch that would work AND it had a matching loveseat. It had a few flaws–it is, after all, a used secondhand couch–but it was in good condition. We kept looking…because you never know what other treasure there might be. We found another couch that would also work that was in even more excellent condition. We considered them both and decided to get the couch and loveseat. It just appealed to us more. Together they cost only $185.
We loaded up the couches and took them home. We had fun putting them in place. The amazing thing is that they match our curtains really well. When we first moved into our house, we had furniture with blue accents so we bought blue curtains. However, we bought our previous couch (the one Annie ruined) at a neighborhood yard sale in a lake community for only $10. I think the owners were moving across country and needed to sell everything. The couch was high quality and in absolutely excellent condition. Never again will we find a used couch as good as that one for such a low price. The same day, we bought an excellent recliner that exactly matched the couch at a different sale for $5. They were both green. They did not match our curtains. When you treasure hunt, you can’t always choose color or pattern. However, the couches we bought today are blue and match our curtains as if we had specifically bought them with the curtains in mind.
EJ’s recliner is getting worn out, but we couldn’t find any recliners that we liked at the hospice store to replace it. We will keep checking the store to see if they get one in.
The only dilemma we have now is that EJ was planning on building us ceiling-to-floor bookcases on one wall of the living room so we can bring our library downstairs where it’s more accessible. However, we have placed the loveseat along that wall. So now we have to re-think our plan. We have to decide whether we want to still build the bookcases there or, if we do, how we will place our furniture. Every dilemma should be so enjoyable.
Before we left for the hospice store this morning, I walked into the bathroom and saw someone peeing in the toilet. My first reaction was to say “Oops, sorry” as I backed away. Then I realized that it was our cat, Luke. He was actually using the toilet. I was so surprised. We didn’t teach him this. He has been isolated in the bathroom while we give him meds for a health problem. I have a litter box in the bathroom for him, but apparently he decided to use the toilet. EJ and I were so surprised.
We had such a fun day today. It was a gift.
I Love To Go A Gardening 