I Love To Go A Gardening
Growing Our Life in Northern Michigan
Stones, Clouds, and Turkeys
Our cat Timmy sometimes likes to sit on our headboard, mostly at night when we are sleeping. The problem is that he starts to gnaw on it, which wakes us and isn’t good for the headboard. In fact, I now wake when he first gets on the headboard and then I swat at him with a pillow until he leaps off. Last night Timmy got on the headboard, which woke both EJ and I, and we both yelled at him to “Get down!” “Knock it off!” and he sprang from the headboard right onto EJ’s stomach, as if it was a trampoline. Timmy has done that too me before too. It’s very “oof” and annoying. When Timmy jumped on EJ’s stomach last night, EJ said, “I think Timmy is mentally ill.”
This morning EJ and I walked down to get our mail. Overnight we had received almost an inch and a half of rain and I was dismayed to see that with so much rain, gullies were beginning to form again alongside our driveway. EJ said not to worry. He pointed to a hill and told me that the soil isn’t eroding there because the plants are holding it in, and when plants grow along the driveway, it won’t erode either.
Ok, so I pushed the anxiety aside.
Later, the Gravel Guy arrived with a truck full of crushed limestone, which is also called stonecrete because when it gets pressed down it’s about as strong as concrete. He said it would absolutely fix our driveway problem. With all the work we’ve been doing on the driveway, I’m becoming knowledgeable about types of gravel and soil.
There are actually two Gravel Guys, one older and one younger. The younger one came today. He expertly dumped the stones on the driveway as he drove down it, forming an even layer so we didn’t have to do much shoveling. Mostly we just raked the high spots so they were level. After he dumped the first load, he went back for a second load, which he dumped on the lower half of the driveway.
EJ had a nice chat with the Gravel Guy. The Gravel Guy told him that we have become recognized at his company as very honest and “good” people. He told us that he would bring us a truckload of potato stones–stones that are the size of potatoes–to fill in the gullies. They will allow the water to drain down without taking the soil with it. He said he’d only charge us $100 for the truckload instead of the $500 they usually charge. The $100 is actually only covering his fuel, EJ said. What a gift!
After the Gravel Guy left the second time, we took our time raking the stones in the driveway so that it was level. Occasionally we took breaks, sitting on our park bench at the top of a hill, sipping tea, and enjoying the beautiful autumn scenery and weather. Mostly there were dramatic clouds, sometimes there was sunshine, and other times it rained a bit. We’d always wait until the rain ended and then go back outside. Often our cat Tesla joined us, as did Danny.
As we sat on our bench and drank in the beauty of our property, we discussed how deep-down content we are to be living here. We struggle with stress and anxiety because we are physically and emotionally exhausted, but underneath we are deeply happy. EJ often says that he has never been as happy as he is now. JJ said the other day that even though he doesn’t really know what to do with his life, he feels very happy up here. And I also often feel a deep happiness. We often exclaim that we can’t believe we live up here where it’s so beautiful.
After we finished working for the day, we came inside, JJ texted that he was out of work and on his way home, and I began making a very good supper for us all: steak, corn-on-the-cob, and salad. When JJ arrived home, he said he had had a crazy day. Apparently a man had paid his purchases–$7 total–with a $100 bill. JJ gave him change with $10s and $5 since his cash draw had recently been emptied by the manager. Cashiers don’t keep a lot of cash in their drawers. The man apparently had an anger problem: He threw a terrible fit and told JJ that he was the reason the store franchise is dying, yell, yell, yell. When the manager came over to deal with the man, he accused her of not knowing how to run a store. Sheesh. I was proud of JJ because he was very calm and polite–although later he told the manager that he will never again wait on that man.
About 6 p.m. or so, EJ whispered urgently, “There are turkeys outside!” We stop everything whenever we see turkeys, deer, or other interesting things. We went from window to window watch the adult turkey and four little ones go around the house. An adult turkey always goes first to check that it’s safe for the little ones to join her (or him?). The Mama turkey came around the house and saw or heard us, so she walked back and forth in front of the house, softly calling put-put-put to warn the little ones to stay where they were. I looked out of the window in JJ’s bedroom and saw the little ones holding still at the top of the hill. I thought, “Wow! It would be nice if human children were so obedient!” Then I saw the children walk off into the forest. I thought the Mama had told them to, but apparently they didn’t have permission and weren’t so obedient after all because when I went outside a short time later, I heard the Mama put-put-putting more loudly than I’ve ever head her before and I also heard a bunch of whistling. I told EJ that I was really afraid that something was threatening the turkeys. He said that the Mama was just calling for her little ones and the whistling was the little ones answering as they tried to rejoin each other. Whew! I’m glad they weren’t in danger.
Here is a video of the turkeys calling to each other in the forest. I didn’t actually see them. They all were silent when I got too close to the forest.
Sensitivity
The weather has been gorgeous all week with blue skies and breezy winds. After several cool days and frost-warning nights, the temperatures rose again into the low 80s. Still, even with higher temps, there is a strong feeling of autumn.
We finished filling in the gullies along the driveway last weekend, so on Monday EJ and I scattered seed for erosion control and wildlife food. We have planted grass seed, chicory, clover, and a variety of wildflowers. We’d like to get back to the feed store to buy some more seed, but there’s a lot of construction in the Emerald City so it’s not easy to get there. I’ve seen some of the seed we planted beginning to sprout, but I’m totally amazed at how quickly the wild plants are already spreading into the areas that we just filled in. Our planet is truly amazing.
Yesterday EJ called the Gravel Guy and he will be bringing us crushed limestone on either Friday or Saturday. We are supposed to get a lot of rain on those days so either we will be working in the rain or we will have to wait until Sunday to work.
Last night while both EJ and JJ were at work, Danny wanted outside to use the facilities. He has selected an area about halfway down the driveway where he does his “business.” He gets to go there alone during the day, but I always put a leash on him at night because he is a black dog and if he wanders off or chases–or is chased–by a night creature, there is no way we would find him. So last night I put Danny’s leash on him and took him outside and he tried to pull me down the driveway to his usual spot. I don’t mind going with him to his spot when EJ or JJ are home, especially since EJ usually walks down the driveway with me, but I didn’t want to go far when I was home alone so I made Danny “go” closer up. Danny was invisible in the dark and I stood there waiting for him and imagining bears and coyotes and ringwraiths and other predators lurking. I thought, “I really need to bring a flashlight with me.” I also thought, “I need a walking stick like EJ uses so he can whack anything that might threaten us.” Then I thought about trying to hold on to Danny’s leash and a flashlight and a walking stick. “Hmmm. I need a flashlight fastened to the top of a walking stick so I only have two things to carry instead of three,” I thought. And then my imagination kicked in and today I told EJ that I needed a magical wizard staff to use for light and defense when I take Danny outside in our dark Enchanted Forest, and could he please make me one? He said he thought that he could figure it out. Cool!
After lunch today, EJ suddenly asked, “Where’s Timmy?”We searched for him but couldn’t find him anywhere in the house. Cats can find unusual hiding places to sleep in the house, so he could be somewhere inside, although it’s unusual for him to disappear like this. I hope he’s not hiding because he is sick. Although none of us observed him getting outside, cats can be like ninjas and slip by unnoticed, so a couple times I went outside and called for him. I also checked the garage multiple times to see if he was inside, but there’s a lot of stuff in there. I walked near the forest and peered into it as I called, but I couldn’t see him anywhere. The problem is that we don’t know if he is outside or inside so we don’t know where to concentrate our search. Inside or outside, we won’t be able to find him unless he chooses to be found. Sigh.
Both EJ and JJ had to get blood tests so on Tuesday–JJ’s day off–they went together while I enjoyed a quiet puttering around at home. Our primary care provider had given EJ a list of labs connected to the health care system so the guys went to the closest lab, which was located in the hospital in Eureka. EJ was successful in getting his blood draw, but the hospital hadn’t received any orders from JJ’s oncologist. The lab called the oncologist’s office and they said they’d fax an order right over, but the guys waited for quite a while and it never came so they returned home. This was difficult for JJ because he finds hospitals uncomfortable to go to.
In the afternoon, I called the lab to see if the orders had arrived at the lab yet. They sweetly searched several places, transferred me to someone who searched in a couple more places but they couldn’t find any so I called the oncologist’s office and was told that they had sent it. When I told them the lab hadn’t received it, they said they would resend it. Although we liked the new oncologist well enough, I am not impressed with his office staff. When JJ met with the oncologist in June, none of the staff smiled or were very friendly. They didn’t seem particularly friendly on the phone either. They make me miss our old oncology staff, who were all very warm and friendly.
This morning–JJ’s day off again–I called the lab again and they said that they had received orders, so we all went on a wonderful drive to the Eureka hospital. I thought the hospital was very beautiful inside. I remember when hospitals were stark places. Later, as we were leaving the hospital, JJ said that this was the best blood draw he’d ever had–it didn’t hurt at all. EJ said that he had felt the same way when he had his blood drawn on Tuesday. I said that whenever JJ needs to get a blood draw, he should tell them to fax the orders to that hospital.
This morning I got on-line and scheduled an appointment with my doctor. I am not looking forward to going to this doctor and I had been tempted to just not make an appointment unless I am sick. However, EJ and JJ likes me to go with them–EJ so I can help him remember things and JJ because medical stuff triggers his PTSD. I know that avoiding situations doesn’t help and I decided that it’s important that I set boundaries with her and define what I want in a doctor/patient relationship so I went to the on-line Patient Portal and scheduled an appointment to get it over with. Besides, my mind will be planning what to say to her until I actually see her next and say it. I just hope I am as eloquent and firm to her as I am in my head. I’m better at conversations in my head and in writing than I am in person. If I can’t make her listen to me, I will look for a new doctor.
The good thing about my disastrous first visit with the doctor is that it caused me to ponder the fact that most battles are fought in the mind, as I wrote in my previous post. In addition, I have recently “liked” several Facebook pages about PTSD. Sometimes I think that, “Yeah, right, do I really have PTSD?” But PTSD is a response to overwhelming systemic (mental, emotional, psychological) wounds, which includes abuse, serious illness, or being a caregiver of those with a serious illness. I have several of the symptoms: insomnia, high anxiety, deep tireness. According to one article, a person with PTSD feels very tired because “Energy is drained due to my nervous system being overwhelmed with stress. No matter how much I rest, my body never can emerge from the stress.”
The PTSD pages share articles with tips about dealing with anxiety. Mostly the tips involve breaking off anxious thoughts by focusing on things in your surroundings that you can see, hear, touch, taste, smell. You can also notice color, get out into nature and enjoy the beauty. This is something that EJ and I tend to do anyway. We pause to appreciate the beauty around us. In fact, Elizabeth Barrett Browning has written one of my favorite poems:
“Earth’s crammed with heaven,
And every common bush afire with God,
But only he who sees takes off his shoes;
The rest sit round and pluck blackberries.”
However, with all the stress that we have been under, the anxiety crowded out some of the wonder. The PTSD articles reminded me to fight to get my focus back.
The tips also reminded me of when I went to a behavioral specialist when I was in my early twenties. I have always been so deeply empathetic that I had difficulty hearing about or being around suffering of any kind. If I needed to care for someone who was ill or injured, I could do it–sometimes better than those who didn’t struggle with high sensitivity. However, I tended to faint–or come close to it–when I went to hospitals or doctor’s offices, or if 
I watched a movie in which there was suffering, or if I saw or heard about injuries or diseases. The behavioral specialist explained that it’s sort of a downward spiral because I would get anxious that I was going to faint, and I would get all tensed up, which increased the likelihood that I would faint, which increased the anxiety. He suggested I break the fear by observing things in my surroundings–like count ceiling tiles or focus on paintings on the wall. He also suggested tensing and untensing my muscles, which releases the tension. This all actually helped tremendously, and I endured medical exams and surgeries with no problem until JJ got cancer. Having a child with cancer is very difficult and it reactivated my empathetic sensitivity–although it never stopped me from being with him or caring for him.
I think that the PTSD advice is actually in agreement with Scripture that says we are to renew our mind, take captive every thought, keep our minds “stayed” or (focused) on Him, think of things that are good, and so on. So this week I have consciously practiced these techniques, doing what I can but refusing to think about things I can’t do anything about, focusing on the beauty around me, breathing, living in the moment, being thankful for this wonderful place we have. It is a battle when I get hit with another stressful situation, but it is helping.
Mind Full
Late Friday afternoon the Gravel Guy brought another 15 tons of unscreened top soil. EJ talked to the Guy for quite some time. Apparently the reason our driveway erodes so badly is because the previous owner used sand, which is cheaper but which easily washes down the driveway. Using topsoil and planting plants will help stop the erosion. The Guy also suggested that we get two loads of crushed limestone for the final step because it will lock together on the driveway making it very strong. We should not have a problem with erosion after we get the crushed limestone in place.
While EJ was talking to the Gravel Guy, JJ hurried out to drive the Buggy to the bottom of the driveway so he wouldn’t be trapped by the piles of dirt and he’d be able to get to work the next day.
Saturday morning after JJ drove off to work, EJ and I began shoveling the top soil into the last section of the driveway. We finished the job this afternoon. It’s a lot of hard work, but EJ and I both have always felt that if we have to do a task, it’s easier if we can find some way to make it fun. It’s sort of fun having unscreened topsoil dredged from the Manistee River because we don’t know what we will find buried in the dirt. It’s almost like treasure hunting. A lot of times we find various sizes of rocks but we also find plants and decaying wood. Once EJ found a piece of an inner tube. Occasionally we found crumbly clumps that EJ thinks might be clay. He wanted to save them so we put them in a separate pile. They looked sort of like large turds so we started calling them “dinosaur poop.” We’d exclaim, “Oh! I found more dinosaur poop!”
Whenever we found a rock, we tossed it to the side of the driveway so we can use it elsewhere–unless we found a pretty stone, in which case we put it in our pockets to save. We think rocks are interesting and it was very hard not to keep LOTS of them. EJ said, “This is torture for us rock hounds!”
We had noted where the water had veered off the right side and crossed the driveway so we dug a small channel to direct the water away from the driveway and toward the meadow. We filled the channel with small rocks and stones so the water would drain through them. We’d look for small rocks whenever we dumped a wheelbarrow full of dirt into a gully, and then we made a game of trying to toss the rocks into the channel. The further down the driveway we got, the more of a challenge it became. No matter how close or far away from the channel our rock landed, we always yelled, “Oh, wow! You got a thousand points!”
We carried our park bench down with us as well as glasses of iced tea so we could take a break whenever we got tired without having to trudge all the way up the hill. The weather has been very beautiful with gorgeous blue skies and we just sat and drank in the beautiful scenery. The temperature has been just right for hard work–we have daytime highs in the 60s and frost warnings at night. Yesterday I brought my house plants into the house. I keep them outside all summer.
Our new doctor has a “patient portal” in which a patient can go to a website to access his/her medical records, schedule or cancel appointments, request prescription refills, and leave messages, and so forth. Friday I logged onto my account and…click…I canceled the physical appointment which was scheduled for mid-October. Easy peasey.
I canceled the appointment because I don’t think that the doctor listened to me very well. I believe that she heard key words like “victim of emotional abuse” and automatically leaped to conclusions and made assumptions that did not fit me. She didn’t give me time to think out thoughtful answers to her questions. I know myself quite well, and it’s very important to me to have a say in my own medical care. I don’t want to feel pressured into treatment or medication that I don’t feel comfortable with or that I think does not address my problem.
Besides the fact that I think the doctor didn’t really listen to me, the tests and exams were just for preventative care, and not for any health issue that I am currently having. While I think that preventative care can be beneficial, I think that exhaustion and stress is my major problem and it’s the problem I want to focus on. EJ, JJ, and I have been actively working to get stress out of our lives, which among other things includes getting to the place where we are not so terribly busy. The doctor added three things (a blood draw, a mammogram, and a physical) to my already exhausting schedule and as far as I’m concerned, it’s all unnecessary–at least for right now. Besides, we really can’t afford the expense of tests and exams for health problems that I don’t have.
The doctor did try to address my stress and exhaustion: She prescribed medication for anxiety which would also help me sleep. I know that sleep is vital to health so I almost took the medication the other night. However, after reading the information that the pharmacy included with the medication, I decided that there is no way I’d ever take it. There was a whole page about the risks of this medication causing suicidal thoughts AND also possibly causing a person to actually act upon the suicidal thoughts and kill himself. Uh uh, there’s no way I’m taking such a medication EVER.
This got me pondering, which is actually why I’m writing about this tonight: I think most battles are fought first in the mind. It doesn’t matter what the battle is–a struggle with abuse, addiction, anxiety/fear, weight loss, a disability, an athletic contest, or one of a million other things–a person has to first believe in her mind that she can win, she can overcome, the battle is winnable. If she thinks she can’t, she has already lost. I learned this one summer years ago when I challenged myself to walk to the next town. Every day I would walk a little further than the day before. Some mornings I would wake groaning that I just couldn’t walk far that day–and because I felt I couldn’t, I knew I didn’t have the strength to do it so I didn’t attempt it. Most days I woke determined that I would reach my goal–and because I was determined, I knew that I would. And this has been true of many situations in my life: I win the battle in my mind first, and then I carry out my goal. It might take a while–like it took weeks of daily challenging myself to walk longer distances before I could actually make it to the next town–but eventually I get there.
I have battles I am fighting now: effects of damaging abuse, PTSD, anxiety, exhaustion, etc. There are damaging thoughts that have to be confronted and overcome and the last thing I need is for a medication to add another weapon of attack–suicidal thoughts or attempts–to the struggle. I want to confront the challenges of my life with a clear mind.
Ugh. When the doctor heard that I found medical appointments stressful (I was trying to tell her that I didn’t need more stressful things added to my life), she prescribed a pill for me to take a few hours before my physical “to relax me.” She didn’t listen to my protests that I really didn’t need medication to give me courage for a medical appointment–and I never have needed medication to give me courage. And that’s another thing I pondered: I think there are times a person legitimately needs help, but I think it weakens a person to always rely on “help” to get through difficulties or uncomfortable situations. For example, a person who has a broken arm physically can’t lift weights and trying to do so could cause permanent damage. However, if a healthy person never attempts to lift heavy weights, he will never get strong. It’s only when a person works to lift heavier and heavier weights that he develops muscles. So I refuse to take any medication when I know that I can handle a situation without it.
Thinking about battles being won first in our minds made me think of all the verses in the Bible that talk about renewing our mind, taking captive every thought, keeping our minds on Him, thinking of things that are good, remembering that God hasn’t given us a spirit of fear…
And I was reminded that I really am fighting a battle in my mind, and it’s in my mind that I must battle it. That sounds like “duh,” but just as I sometimes get physically tired when I work really hard, I also sometimes get emotionally tired when I’ve had to endure many difficult things. Like abuse. And cancer. And the stress of moving. The whole awful visit with the new doctor and the medicines she wanted to give me caused me to ponder these things, and pondering helped remind me again–as 1 Peter says–to get my mind ready for work, keep myself under control, and fix my hope fully…
After I canceled my appointment on-line, the receptionist called me to tell me that the doctor was ok with me canceling (not that I needed her to ok it) but wants to see me in 6-8 weeks. At that time, I think I will have to set a few boundaries.
An INFJ and the Doctor
Yesterday I had my New Patient Appointment at our new doctor’s. I am the last of the three of us to have my NP Appointment although I have gone with EJ and JJ to their appointments at their requests. I think the doctor is very compassionate and I like her a lot.
However, I felt like my appointment was a disaster.
First of all, I haven’t been sleeping well, I have too much on my plate, and I’m tired and over-stressed. Yesterday I felt near tears before I even got to the doctor’s office, and I ended up crying all through the visit. My tears were simply a release from stress but they embarrassed me and made me feel unable to adequately communicate.
The first thing the doctor said was, “So how does it feel to finally have a doctor visit about you?”
Ok, so here’s the thing about people with my INFJ personality type: We think all the time–a flood of thoughts pouring in so it’s like sipping from a fire hose. We think very deeply and complexly and we see everyone’s perspective instead of just our own. So if someone asks me a question about what I think or feel, I have to slow down, sort through the huge library of thoughts, feelings, and perspectives, and consider the question and the answer. In addition, we INFJs tend to think in metaphors and images rather than words. So it takes time to sort through everything and translate the metaphors and images into words. Most people want immediate answers and don’t give me time to think.
So the doctor kept asking, “So how does it feel to finally have a doctor visit about you?” without giving me any time to think. I really wanted her to just be quiet and let me sort through my thoughts for a bit. Some of my thoughts were:
What do I feel?
Why exactly is she asking?
Oh, my goodness, does she think I’m the type of person who can’t ever stand up for myself? She does!
Grrrr. I’m so tired of people thinking I’m a mouse, or a wimp, or weak, or can’t stand up for myself just because I’m a quiet introvert, I’m empathetic, I don’t always feel I have to fight every battle, I don’t always argue with others’ opinions, and so on. I am stronger than I appear and I have courageously fought more battles than most people are aware of. I have resisted wrong even when I have stood alone. I only fight the battles that are important to me. Grrrr.
In answer to the doctor’s question, I wanted to answer (but didn’t because she didn’t give me time to think it out) that going to the doctor simply feels a lot like another item on my To Do List, and my To Do List is too long and I’m exhausted. And, for the record, I go to the doctor when I need to, I stand up for myself when it’s important to me, and I help others when I can. I am not a wimp.
Then the doctor said she’d like me to have a blood test to check for this and that, and she wants me to have a physical, and she wants me to have a mammogram to “take care of the girls”–which, by the way, I’ve always thought was a stupid expression.
Still crying (grrrr), I started to tell the doctor that I am so empathetic that I used to faint whenever I went to the doctors but I actually went to a counselor to help me learn how to not and so….She said “So did you forget those techniques when your son had cancer?” And I wanted to say that, No, I hadn’t fainted in YEARS and was stunned when I fainted when I learned that JJ had cancer, and that having a son with cancer totally reactivated my too-strong empathy. I think it’s called “P-T-S-D.” Still, it didn’t prevent me from being with my son and giving him support during his treatment. But instead the doctor said that she could give me a pill to take before I came for the physical in order to relax me. I tried to tell her that I didn’t need a pill, I have never needed a pill to go to the doctor, I have plenty of courage and endurance. She told me that I needed my courage for other things, I didn’t need to use my courage for the physical, I could let her give me something to help me. GRRRRR. “Hello? Are you LISTENING TO ME?”
What I wanted to say was that too many problems over too many years–and especially JJ’s cancer battle–has completely exhausted me, EJ, and JJ. Going to the doctor adds to my stress, and I simply wanted a New Patient Appointment so that if I get sick or injured, I have a doctor in place that I can go to. I don’t want to add any more stressful things such as a blood test, a physical, and a mammogram to my already full plate. I wanted to tell her that I wanted to reduce some of my overwhelm before I schedule any other thing. But I didn’t get the words out.
EJ said he thought the doctor was compassionate and that she didn’t think I was a wimp, but I felt frustrated, depressed, and angry for the rest of the day because I had cried like an idiot and I didn’t feel like I was understood. I felt my rebellion kick in:
I may or may not get a blood test right now.
I refuse to call to schedule a mammogram.
I might (or might not) wait a bit and then cancel the stupid physical, which is scheduled for mid-October.
If or when I have a physical, I will not take a stupid pill to relax me before I go.
I won’t do anything that I don’t want to do.
So there.
Meltdown
Friday EJ’s sister and her husband brought their Mom to visit us. Their Mom really wanted to see us and our new house but she is old and in poor health, she tires easily, and the drive is quite long, so they didn’t stay too long. We were glad to see them.
We had arranged for the Gravel Guy to bring us another 15 tons of top soil on Friday afternoon well after EJ’s family had left. The Gravel Guy was late getting here because his dump truck had gotten stuck delivering to someone else, and he had had to have a front-end loader come and pull him out. Not a great start to his three-day holiday weekend.
I had alerted JJ earlier in the day that when the Gravel Guy arrived, he would probably need to move his car to the bottom of the driveway because we were going to have the dirt dumped in the driveway near where the deep gullies were so that we could more easily just shovel it in instead of moving heavy loads down the driveway in the wheelbarrow. When the Gravel Guy arrived, I told JJ that he needed to HURRY! and move his car! However, JJ dawdled and the Gravel Guy didn’t have time to wait for him to get out there, so he dumped the gravel. Because JJ needed to be at work early the next day, and because he wouldn’t be able to drive around the piles of dirt, we had to shovel enough of the dirt out of the way so he could get down the driveway. I don’t think JJ has built up his strength and stamina after his battle with cancer so he usually doesn’t give us much help with heavy projects. However, we had only a few hours of daylight left to work, and JJ needed to be to work early so I told JJ that this time he really needed to help us. He had a PTSD meltdown. It wasn’t a fun time of working together. It stressed us all.
We got enough dirt shoveled out of the way so JJ could leave for work on Saturday. EJ and I were so exhausted that we rested all day Saturday, taking several naps. On Sunday we went back to shoveling dirt. The heat and humidity drained our energy but we were able to get the dirt into the gullies. After a break to cool off, we went back outside and planted seeds to stop erosion and provide a tasty treat for the deer and other wildlife. We will need another 15 tons to finish the project. The Gravel Guy told EJ on Friday that the unfiltered top soil he is bringing us is being dredged up from the Menominee River. I think that is interesting.
Monday we were so tired that we rested again. It was supposed to rain all day, but mostly it was just cloudy. I think it rained earlier in the morning.
By Monday evening the skies cleared. We heard that the Northern Lights were supposed to be extremely strong, so we kept going outside to see if we could see any. At one point, EJ opened the door and Little Bear ran outside. Little Bear is totally black and the forest is also very, very dark, and so was the night. While EJ ran inside to get a flashlight, I tried to capture Little Bear. He ran under the Suburban, and then around the house to the back yard, and then near the raised garden beds, and then he headed for the forest. I tried to prevent him from going into the forest because the forest is too dark and dangerous at night, and if Little Bear went in there, he was on his own. He did head for the forest, but was blocked by a pile of fire wood the previous owner had stacked there. I was able to catch Little Bear and get him safely back in the house. Whew! That was scary! I gave Little Bear a very stern lecture about the dangers of the forest and the need for him to stay inside.
Meanwhile, Danny kept wanting to go outside, but he didn’t “use the facilities.” I think his tummy hurt because he kept eating grass. Finally, after I had taken him outside about five times, he went potty. After that he seemed to be ok. At least he didn’t ask to be taken outside again.
We could see glimmers of the Northern Lights above the trees, but we didn’t want to drive anywhere for a more unhindered view until JJ got safely home from work. Once he was home, EJ and I took off. We invited JJ to go with us, but his hours are changeable and after closing at the store that night, he was scheduled to work earlier the next morning so he wanted to get to bed. EJ drove us first to a boat launch with a clear view of the northern sky. We saw the Northern Lights, but there were stores nearby with bright lights so EJ drove us out into the dark countryside away from lights. The Lights we saw were green, and look sort of like the lights of an approaching dawn. We saw slight rays, but not strong pillars or swirls or variety of colors that are in many photos of the Northern Lights. Still, it was the Northern Lights, and that is awesome.
Usually JJ texts me when he gets out of work to tell me he’s on his way home. Today he called me instead. It has rained all day today–sometimes very heavy–and he said that a branch had broken off the tree he had parked under and had fallen on the car. “You need to come pick me up,” he said. So I got in the Buggy and drove to JJ’s work, crying all the way because I am anxious about our savings running out, and about how we can afford two houses if our old house doesn’t sell, and about how we are going to be able to move the rest of our possessions when we have absolutely no one to help, and about affording propane, and about getting a generator, and about how we can solve the problem of plowing our driveway this winter, and about EJ’s health, and about JJ recovering from cancer, and now about the car needing repairing. This on top of exhaustion from shoveling 60 tons of gravel and soil (and we aren’t done yet), and recovering from abuse and JJ’s cancer, and a ton of other things.
The damage to the car wasn’t as bad as I feared, although it was bad enough. JJ handled the problem very well. While I drove to pick him up, he calmly texted his Dad who contacted the insurance company. JJ was able to drive the HHR so he followed me home. With everything we’ve had to do, EJ hasn’t had time to organize his garage. However, we have enough space now that when it began to rain super hard, JJ was able to drive the car into the garage so the interior wouldn’t get soaked.
Tomorrow is my “New Patient Appointment” with our new primary care physician. I am certain that she will also diagnose me with PTSD and anxiety attacks as she has EJ and JJ.
PTSD/Anxiety has affected me by causing me to sleep only a few hours during the night. When I wake up, I am hit with gnawing anxiety so that often I can’t get back to sleep. Sometimes I cry. My muscles always feel tense and I have trouble de-stressing. My heart pounds. When I am confronted with another problem, another expectation, another chore, I feel as if I’m being handed another brick to carry–and I am beginning to fall under the load. Even little problems or little expectations are becoming too much. Sometimes I feel as if I am caught in a rip tide–I can’t take a breath or get to my feet before another wave hits and drags me under and away from shore. Sometimes I feel like I imagine it would feel if someone raised his clenched fist toward a woman who had been physically battered–I feel a panic, a flinching, a bracing myself in my spirit as I wait for the next problem to hit.
It’s not because we are too weak to handle problems or not trusting God enough. It’s not that we don’t love where we now live–but moving is stressful and even good stress is still stress. We have been so strong for so long. We are getting fatigued and beginning to crumble.
Sometimes I groan to God, “We are unimaginably tired. We need You to take some of these problems off our plate. We just want to rest for a while and have time to regather strength. You hear me? WE NEED REST!”
PTSD
Tuesday morning Danny asked to be let out, so I let him out and then went to get my shoes on. I don’t like to just leave him out by himself too long because I don’t want him wandering off and getting lost in the woods or chasing wild animals or anything. When I saw that Danny had settled right down on the deck, I stayed inside and checked on him now and then. After a bit I glanced up and saw deer running down the driveway with Danny in hot pursuit. Panicked, I raced outside yelling for Danny. I was relieved when he stopped and headed back up the driveway. Although Danny has never been trained, he has become obedient in his older years–although he is sweetly passive-agressive if he really doesn’t want to do something that I ask him to do.
EJ said that he thinks Danny was just trying to make friends with the deer. However, he also said that it is a Hunter’s Code that if a dog chases a deer, they shoot the dog. I would be devastated if my Danny got shot so he will have to learn to not chase them.
Yesterday morning I woke up and made coffee as I do every morning. I use a small pitcher to fill the coffee machine with water and then I pour any remaining water in the pitcher into the pets’ water bowl. This morning when I went to pour the water into the pets’ bowl, I discovered a dead mouse floating in it. Eew. I carefully carried and the bowl outside and threw the water and mouse into the grass. When I opened the door to come back in, Little Bear ran outside. I ran after him, and was scared when he neared the forest because it was still dark enough that I didn’t think I’d be able to find him if he ran into the trees. But he hunkered down a bit and I caught him and brought him back into the house.
Then I found another dead mouse under the kitchen table. JJ said he had found a dead mouse last night. It’s not surprising we have mice when we live in a house in a forest that has been empty for two years. But….I am glad we have cats who kill the mice.
EJ had an appointment with our doctor this morning. It was technically his “New Patient” appointment, but since he had already been to see the doctor when he had numbness and fainting spells, this was actually a follow-up appointment. Basically the doctor is determining that we all have symptoms of PTSD. PTSD is not just something that soldiers in war zones get. People with serious illness and their caregivers, as well as victims of abuse also get PTSD. We have experienced these situations–and more.
We were very thankful that our new doctor grasped our situation and was very understanding. When we have tried to describe to people how we are feeling, most of the time we feel like they think we are just complaining, or being negative, or not having enough faith. However, PTSD is not about any of these things. As EJ’s nephew has said, “PTSD is a normal response to an abnormal situation.” Our doctor said that she’d help us get through this. As we rose to leave, she gave me a hug, announcing, “I’m a hugger.” Then she gave EJ a hug.
After we left the doctor’s office, we stopped at a seed store that I had found on the Internet. We fell in love with the store: It has so many interesting seeds, as well as pet supplies. One of the clerks helped us choose a mixture of seed that we can plant this autumn that will help stop erosion and also provide tasty meals for the deer.
JJ needed new shoes, so after EJ left for work yesterday, I went to Eureka with him to buy shoes. It was a busy day for me.
EJ’s sister and Mom is coming to visit tomorrow so I cleaned the house really well today. I ended up moving furniture around after EJ went to work. I like the new configuration much better. Meanwhile, EJ called our friendly Gravel Man to ask him deliver more topsoil tomorrow afternoon after our guests leave so that we can spend Labor Day weekend working on the driveway.
After JJ got home, he discovered that he had a missed call from his oncologist’s office. The receptionist had left a voicemail message telling him to call “at his earliest convenience.” He tried to call, but it was after office hours. Of course, we both thought that maybe his CT scan had revealed that his cancer was back. We both felt complete panic. We didn’t know how we would make it through the night wondering if he had cancer, so JJ called the oncologist on call to demand to know what the call was about. He learned that apparently he had missed an appointment with the oncologist today. During our first visit to the oncologist in June, we were given a “Patient Itinerary” that listed all his scheduled medical appointments and instructions, including his port removal in late June and his recent CT Scan. Apparently that’s how they do things in the Emerald City. I double-checked: No doctor appointment was listed on the Patient Itinerary and we hadn’t received any reminder calls.
The on-call Oncologist told JJ that the receptionist should never have left such a message and “It’s in my hands now and I will deal with it,” he declared. Good. We are practically shaking with the release of the panic and fear we felt at that message.
Battles
Last week we had several coldish, rainy days. I like both, although I imagined the rain water nibbling at our driveway. The driveway is the only less-than-perfect thing about our new house. Everything else we absolutely love.
It would be nice if we could afford to have our driveway blacktopped, but we can’t, so EJ discusses the erosion problem with the Gravel Man to find solutions that we can afford. We had ordered pea stones for the places where the rain water needed to be able to drain without taking the driveway with it. Thursday we bought straw to spread in the gullies to slow the erosion and EJ also found rocks, old firewood, chunks of cement, and other things to throw in the gullies as filler. On Friday the Gravel Man delivered unfiltered topsoil–meaning it had rocks and stuff in it, which was perfect because the rocks fill up the gullies so we need less gravel or soil to fill it. EJ and I worked all day Friday shoveling the soil into the wheelbarrow, which EJ wheeled down the driveway and dumped in the gullies.
We stopped when we were totally exhausted. We still had more than half the dirt pile left, but we had made a lot of progress. I learned that 15 tons of dirt covers more area than 15 tons of gravel.
Saturday was Shabbat so we rested. We really needed the rest.
Sunday morning I snuck out while EJ slept and worked on the driveway for a couple of hours without him. EJ and I are having sort of a lighthearted battle. The driveway needs to be fixed–we can’t delay–but I worry about EJ’s back and health so I try to do as much as I can without him, which includes sneaking out until he notices that I’m out working and comes out to help. I am not particularly strong, but I have very strong determination so I work hard and don’t give up. I can’t load the wheelbarrow as full as EJ can so I just fill it less full and take more trips. I never really notice how tired I am until I stop working so I prefer to take short breaks. If I stop for too long, I don’t have the energy to get back to work. EJ needs longer breaks because of his health issues–and besides, he does the heavier lifting AND he has to go to work! However, he won’t stop working as long as I am working–even though I tell him “for goodness’ sakes” I can do it–because he doesn’t want me to do such hard work alone. He worries about me. That is why I sneak out to work without him and that is why he joins me when he catches me.
I worked for a couple of hours on Sunday before EJ woke up and joined me. We together we worked and worked for hours and hours. We had only a small mound of dirt left but we were just too tired and too hungry to finish. Then, because we were too tired to cook and too hungry to go without food, we took showers and went out to eat. We felt we had deserved it.
We will have to buy more top soil next weekend to finish the job. At least, I hope we only need one more dump truck load. When we finish filling the gullies, we are planning to grow plants in the top soil that will help stop erosion. We are hoping to find some winter seeds that we can plant now and then we can also scatter wildflower seeds next spring.
Monday morning JJ and I had to leave early to drive to the hospital for his CT scan, which he has every few months to make sure his cancer hasn’t returned. It’s always kind of scary and we hold our breaths until we get the results back after a scan. I think that if this scan is clear, JJ will not have to have scans quite so frequently, but because his last CT scan showed a shadow (which, after a PET Scan, was thought to be just scar tissue), his new oncologist wanted to have a CT scan done to make sure that everything is good. If it’s good, JJ will have to only have a scan every six months…and then it will go to once a year.
Because we had to leave so early, we left EJ home. He works second shift so getting up early is like getting up in the middle of the night for him. I don’t have a problem taking JJ to his medical appointments now because I find it easier to find my way in the North than I did in the south. The south has more limited access highways with entrance and exit ramps, which I hate because if I take the wrong turn, I will have to maybe drive miles out of my way to an exit ramp and then have to figure out how to get back on the correct highway going back the other way. In the North there are no limited access highways so if I take a wrong turn, I can simply go around the block. That is a very good thing for someone who is as directionally challenged as me.
I had forgotten to give the hospital our new phone numbers so they had been unable to call us to remind us of the CT scan and to give instructions, but the oncologist’s office had given us printed instructions when they first arranged the scan. We stopped at the Information desk when we arrived at the hospital and they updated our information.
JJ and I found our way to the Radiology Department. The technician brought JJ his two drinks and asked if he had ever had a CT Scan before. JJ said yes, many, but he had never had the clear liquid drinks that he was given today. When I saw them I thought. “Yuck, they are going to be unflavored and taste nastier than the shakes.” The technician said that this hospital preferred this type of drink rather than the shakes and that they tasted like raspberry flavored water. JJ took a sip and said it was really good–MUCH better than the shakes. Also, they didn’t make him as cold as the shakes did. However, he only had to wait an hour for the scan after drinking the shakes and he has to wait two hours after these drinks, which makes for a long morning. The technician said we could leave if we wanted and return in two hours, but neither JJ nor I wanted to risk getting lost in the hospital. We did find our way to the cafeteria so I could get a coffee and maybe wake up a bit and then we returned to the waiting room. I read my book and people watched while JJ surfed the Internet with his phone.
JJ survived his scan, but as soon as it was over, he said, “LET’S GET OUT OF HERE!” Cancer survivors and their caregivers can suffer from PTSD and hospitals trigger JJ’s memories of cancer.
We had about an hour to spent with EJ before he had to leave for work. After he left, I took a short nap–I was so tired! Then I went outside and worked in the driveway for a short time. When I came back inside, I most of the laundry and other household tasks.
Different Than Expected
There are a lot of things about our Enchanted Forest that are other than I expected. It’s not bad, it’s just different than my expectations. I think that even though a person might imagine what it would be like to live in a different sort of place, her imagination doesn’t really match up to reality.
For example, I expected the forest to be teeming with birds and alive with their songs. While we do see or hear some unusual birds, such as Pileated Woodpeckers and Hermit Thrushes, we actually don’t see as many birds up here as we did in the south. I think it’s probably because they live in a huge forest and they are busy surviving. I’m very sure we’d see more birds if we had feeders set out. However, bears enjoy the feeders as well so we can’t put them out until the bears go to sleep for the winter. It will be interesting to see what birds are drawn to the feeders in the winter.
I also expected that forest night sounds would replace city night sounds so that instead of hearing cars and people, we’d hear sounds such as owls hooting, and coyotes yapping, and wolves howling. I thought the forest would be alive with sounds. We do occasionally hear coyotes, but mostly we hear…silence. It is profoundly quiet in our forest at night–and also very, very dark. I don’t mind. In fact, I really enjoy it. It’s just different than I expected.
I could never have anticipated how I would feel when someone arrives at our house and honks their horn. I guess that’s what they do around here to sort of say, “Hello the house! We are here!” It always totally startles me because our property is secluded and we can’t see our neighbors. Unless I drive somewhere, I go days without seeing anyone other than my family.
This morning we were expecting the Gravel Man to deliver pea stone for our driveway but I was still very startled when I suddenly heard, “Honk! Honk!” I leaped up and yelled to EJ, “EJ! EJ! Wake up! Wake up! The Gravel Man is here!” and EJ jerked awake, accidentally pulling the electrodes of his little monitor that he has to wear for two weeks to make sure his heart is functioning ok. But then I saw that it wasn’t the Gravel Man after all–it was our letter carrier. I went outside and, since this was the first time we had actually met, we introduced ourselves. She seemed very nice. She had driven all the way up to our house to deliver our mail rather than put it in our mailbox because she had a package for us. She searched through the packages in her trunk until she found ours. I have never lived in the country before, and I think the way letters and packages are delivered is charming.
A little while later, the Gravel Man arrived with 15 tons of pea stone in his dump truck. Yes, 15 TONS! EJ asked him to dump it in three different piles down the driveway. After he left, we went out with a garden rake, wheel barrow, and shovels and started shoveling 15 TONS of pea stone into the gully at the right side of the driveway. We mostly concentrated on the one furthest from the house because it was the only pile that we couldn’t drive around. We had to get the pile gone before JJ returned from work at around 6:30 p.m. It was a lot of hard work and we took breaks whenever we got too tired or overheated. We got almost all of the pea stone into the gully. Fifteen tons of pea stone is a lot when we are shoveling it by hand, but I think we will need at least another 15 tons before we are finished.
As I worked, I imagined that shoveling rocks is my Enchanted Weight Loss Program. We got TONS of exercise today (pun intended). If this doesn’t give me muscles and melt the weight off me, I will scream in despair. Ok, maybe not. Maybe I will just whimper in disappointment. Besides the fact that exercise equipment tends to injure me (especially when I fall over them), I think they are much too boring. I would much rather shovel rocks or go for walks than use a treadmill or exercise bike.
But, oh, tonight EJ and I are very tired and quite crippled.
Driveway Project
This morning as I was refilling the outdoor cats’ bowl with fresh water, I found a very pretty moth. I’m amazed at all the different types of moths and other bugs that we are finding in our Enchanted Forest. Some moths are very huge, while others are painted very pretty colors. I didn’t know such beautiful moths existed.
JJ had an appointment with his counselor at noon today. He wanted me to go with him because he wanted company, but it was more important that I help EJ with the driveway. The counselor gives JJ hope that he is doing well at life as well as encouraging him to pursue his ideas and goals. Sometimes it really helps to have non-parents give advice.
While JJ was gone, EJ and I went out to work on the driveway. EJ went outside before I did and he put the drainage tile along one side of the driveway. The Gravel Man had said that the rain water rushing down the sides of the driveway are eroding it and he suggested that as a temporary measure we use rocks to make little dams to slow the water until he can bring the appropriate type of gravel or stones or whatever on Saturday. So when I joined EJ outside, we walked along the driveway and built rock dams. I felt like a child again, making tiny boats and channels and streams in puddles after a rain. Both EJ and I were really tempted to find some little green army men to place in the little canyons that the erosion is making in the driveway.
After we made the dams, we began shoveling limestone gravel (I think it was limestone) into crevasses along the sections of the driveway that we have to drive on. It was very hot and humid today–there was a possibility of severe storms–and we sweated buckets as we worked. Later, after EJ went to work, JJ helped me for a while. We got quite a bit done today, but we weren’t able to finish because we got so overheated. At least I feel that we are making progress. That relieves my stress.
It amazes me that the UPS truck and other people around here have no qualms about driving all the way up to our house, even though there are crevasses and piles of gravel in the middle of the driveway so they have to drive on the grass around them. It seems that people around here are tough. I suppose after driving through deep snow, a little driveway erosion is nothing.
Here is a video I made today of our driveway project.
Too Many Bricks
When I was growing up, I remember that whenever anyone had a problem, people (particularly at church) questioned whether the cause was spiritual, emotional (mental health), or physical (biological). Each problem was seen as separate and distinct from the others–although usually it was assumed that struggles with problems such as depression was spiritual.
Over the years I realized that the origin of problems isn’t quite so easily classified and separated. Instead, I think our spiritual, emotional, and physical health are intertwined and one strand affects the others. Take depression, for example–although it could apply to any problem. It doesn’t matter what its origin is, it affects a person as a whole–emotionally, physically, and spiritually: It affects a person emotionally by causing him to feel sad, it affects him physically by making him feel tired and unmotivated, and it can affect him spiritually by making him feel hopeless and lose sight of joy.
Years later I realized that even though our emotional, physical, and spiritual health is intertwined, the origin really does matter. A spiritual problem can’t be primarily dealt with in a medical or emotional way. Nor can a medical problem be dealt with spiritually or emotionally or an emotional problem be dealt with medically or spiritually.
Look at it this way: I think our emotional, physical, and spiritual health can be compared to a high performance sports car. It doesn’t matter how strong the engine is or how full the fuel tank is, if the driver isn’t in the car, the car won’t move. If the engine isn’t working correctly, the driver won’t be able to make the car operate well no matter how powerful it is. Likewise, the driver can be extremely skilled, the engine can be the best ever made, but if the fuel tank is empty, the car isn’t going anywhere. In the same way, we can have incredibly strong faith, but struggle emotionally when our bodies break down; we can get physically and spiritually exhausted when hit with too much emotional trauma, and so forth.
The problem is that each person tends to deal with a problem according to his expertise. Many doctors seem to deal with depression as if it’s a physical problem–dispensing antidepressants–without considering that the problem might be due to emotional trauma such as abuse or to a spiritual problem. Mental health professionals seem to deal with problems as if they are emotional. And many Christians seem to believe that things like depression always have a spiritual cause without considering that there might be a physical or emotional cause. While prayer can miraculously change things, it’s not unspiritual to go to a doctor or counselor for help with physical or emotional problems.
In reality, I think the best way to help a person is to see him as a whole, but also consider the cause–without making quick assumptions. I think a combination of disciplines is beneficial. For example, a person might need medication to help him get to the place where he can emotionally deal with the trauma while believers pray for him and support him in his battle towards recovery. I think these day, there are more professionals who use this sort of treatment, seeing a person as a whole instead of as distinct parts that are treated separately.
And that brings me to the struggles my family is having.
The origin is not spiritual. We love our Enchanted Forest and are thankful we are here. We are not lacking hope or faith. Our problem is that we have become physically and emotionally exhausted by carrying heavy loads for too long of a time.
I think of it as being like carrying a backpack full of bricks. Each brick is a task or difficulty. A brick can be suffering abuse, or battling cancer, or working at a difficult factory, or having to fix an eroding driveway, or having problems with Internet connections–or even just going to work or doing laundry. The task or difficulty doesn’t have to be HUGE, the weight of a bunch of small stones can add up to the weight of heavy bricks. Bricks are added and then taken away as they are dealt with. Everyone has bricks in their backpack. Anyone can carry easily carry a few bricks for as long as necessary, but the heavier the load and the longer a person must carry them, the more weary he becomes. Keep adding too many bricks and eventually even the strongest person will collapse.
Photo: flickr.com
Usually, not everyone has a too-heavy load at the same time. This means that if one person’s load becomes too heavy, another person can take a few of his bricks to help him. So, for example, if I get overly tired, EJ takes a few of my bricks. When his back hurts too much, I take a few of his. When JJ had cancer, EJ and I both carried as many of his bricks as we could so that all he had to worry about was overcoming cancer–which was a big enough burden without piling on more.
The problem is that EJ and I and JJ have all three become physically and emotionally exhausted at the same time. EJ’s exhaustion is revealing itself through physical exhaustion and stress-related panic attacks. Mine is revealing itself through insomnia, emotional weariness, and occasional crying. JJ’s is coming out through becoming easily frustrated and upset. None of us can carry too many more bricks, although we try. We are pulling together and helping each other, but we are exhausted.
The ideal thing would be if others–family or friends–could help us carry our burden, such as help us finish moving the rest of our possessions. After all, a shared burden is a lighter burden. The problem, however, is that these days it seems that many, many people are exhausted from trying to carry too many bricks. I see the burdensome bricks others have to carry and I am not upset with them for not being able to help me carry mine. I think they have to take care of themselves and their families first, just as I can only really care for mine right now.
At the same time, I feel close to collapsing under the load of bricks my family has to try to carry and I desperately think, “We don’t lack faith, we need to get rid of bricks! We need practical help! We need rest!”
So then I ponder how we can get rid of bricks when we have too many bricks to carry and no one to help us carry them. A Christian might say, “Give the bricks to God,” but sometimes when people say “give it all to God,” I think what does it even mean? I can’t ignore the bricks or wish them away. I can ask God for help–which I am doing–but we still have to take steps to sell our old house and fix our driveway and all that. Trusting God doesn’t mean we don’t go to work, or don’t pay bills, or don’t fix the driveway.
So, anyway, I have been pondering what I can do to get rid of bricks before I, EJ, or JJ collapses into an exhausted heap. When EJ or JJ are struggling, I try to carry some of their load, but I’m becoming exhausted–just as they are–and we can’t take on too many more bricks, even from each other. We each have to carry as many of our own bricks as we can and help when we can. We especially can’t carry any bricks of those outside our family. Even small requests from others is overwhelming. We have to be able to say, “I can do this, but not that.”
For example, JJ has been struggling with our Internet connection. He has been insisting that I talk to our ISP when we have problems. I don’t mind dealing with them when I just need to tell them that we have no connection, but the problems JJ is having requires some technical understanding. JJ has said, “I will tell you exactly what to tell the ISP.” I can repeat what he tells me, but that doesn’t mean that I will understand their answer. Talking to the ISP makes me feel like this:
Me repeating JJ: My son is having a problem with: 1100101000110101
ISP: Is his computer doing 100101001101?
Me: Uhhhh
ISP: Let’s try this. Go to the computer and 1100101 and then 0010100.
Me: Say what?
It all sounds like a foreign language. It is stressful to feel like an idiot when I try to handle something I don’t understand. I can help JJ with many things, but not this, so I told him that if he has a problem with the Internet connection, he needs to deal with the ISP people himself. Take me out of the loop.
In the same way, I feel stressed trying to deal with the gravel man about fixing our driveway. I can repeat EJ’s instructions but if the gravel man asks me questions, which he did the other day, I have no clue how to answer. So I told EJ that I just cannot deal with the gravel man, although I could help him lay the drainage tile or shovel stones so that he doesn’t hurt his back even further.
It really helps EJ to make lists and cross completed tasks off–as some have practically suggested. It doesn’t help me. I tend to pour out my emotions in writing instead of making lists. It also helps me to know we are making progress on tasks so that I can take bricks off my back. I can keep us focused and moving forward on the tasks we need to accomplish–but there are some things EJ does better than me–like read forms, contracts, and tax return instructions. They just cause my eyes to blur and my mind to shut down. So yesterday EJ filled out the forms from the realtor while I found him the information he needed. We worked together and got it done. This morning I let EJ sleep while I drove to our bank to fax the completed forms to the realtor so we could get started with selling the house. I knew the way, I didn’t need him to go with me, so I let him sleep.
The eroding driveway is stressing me–it’s not something that can wait–and, like I said, I need to know we are making progress. So when I got back from the bank I suggested to EJ that he might want to talk to the Gravel Guy about how to fix our driveway. I would think that the Gravel Guy would be knowledgeable about gravel projects so maybe he’d have suggestions for the best (and least expensive) way to fix it. However, whatever we decided to do, we need to start on it since the driveway is only going to get worse if we delay.
Not long after we discussed this, the Gravel Man suddenly drove up, like an answer to prayer, which I believe he was. He and EJ discussed how to fix our driveway without having to sell our firstborn son (and only child) to pay for it. This week EJ is going to work on the driveway a bit (I’ll help him when I can) and on Saturday the Gravel Guy is going to bring the stones we need. It feels good to have a plan and a timeline.
Because we have to work on the driveway problem this weekend we won’t be able to go to the old house, but at least we are making progress with some tasks, which helps lighten our load. Handing off the problems we can’t fix and helping with the things that we can also helps. I kind of wonder if God is giving us further training in how to set boundaries. If we don’t set boundaries, we will collapse.
Hopefully we can start getting rid of more bricks than we add. We so desperately need time to rest and recover.
Mr. Incredible and Me
Sometimes I feel like Mr. Incredible.
Yes, I’m referring to the powerful superhero Mr. Incredible but, no, I’m not talking about the scene from the movie in which he was strong enough to fight multiple villains, deal with a pesky fan, rescue an old lady’s cat, and save a train full of people…all on the way to his wedding.
Of course, there are ways in which I think I have been very strong like Mr. Incredible, and very courageous, and have not been defeated by villains.
For example, although I have been confused, battered, and heartbroken by emotionally abusive family who accused, blamed, insulted, gaslighted, lied, and raged at me, they did not defeat me. Instead, I courageously fought to get free and to recover.
And although I’ve had several faithless friends whom I poured out my love to, sacrificed for, and listened to them cry about their misery for hours–only to have them disappear when I needed them most–and although I have borne friends who took advantage of our generosity, cheated us, borrowed things that they returned broken, used our truck for a chicken coop, and one even said the first thing he would do if society fell apart is steal from us–I have not given up my belief in real friendship. Although I have been learning to set stronger boundaries and to not allow toxic people in my life.
I have persevered bravely through bad health: my own, EJ’s and JJ’s. When JJ was young, I suffered from chronic sinus infections, two bouts of Mono, and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome–all at the same time–and still managed to homeschool him. EJ has had his chronic back pain, breathing problems, and now panic attacks. And, of course, JJ battled cancer.
When EJ was in agonizing pain from his bad back, I cared for him, and didn’t complain when projects had to go unfinished, and tried to do tasks without his help–like sneaking out to unload a wagonload of firewood and stack it in the shed so he wouldn’t hurt his back by helping me.
And I was strong when EJ’s awful company gave him the choice of getting laid off or continuing to work with a huge pay cut. He chose to keep working so we could keep our health insurance. During that time, our furnace died and our vehicles both had serious problems. We made it through with faith and courage.
I was also strong when JJ got cancer. I acted goofy so we could laughed even when my heart was breaking because my only child was suffering. I kept track of our schedules, and I rarely slept because I was up every few hours giving JJ his meds and caring for him when he felt sick or scared.
And in the last few months, I encouraged EJ to get his new job, and then urged JJ to stay with his Dad while I stayed at the old house caring for the pets, painting, packing, and finding important papers that the loan officer needed. I stayed even though my heart longed to be with my family.
And besides all that–and more–I have been hero support, comforting, encouraging, helping, teaching my family and finding their lost items, and making and reminding them of appointments and other tasks, and cooking and cleaning and doing laundry, and painting rooms and organizing. And sometimes I opposed them when I thought they were wrong.
Those things, I think, are more powerful, and stronger, and more superheroy than what Mr. Incredible does.
In listing my superhero traits, I do not mean to downplay EJ’s superheroness because he also has incredible strength and legendary endurance. He helps me not be lost, and he encourages me to pursue my interests, and he listens to me with superhuman patience when I’m wrestling with something or when I am hurt by abuse or betrayal. And he keeps going even when he’s sick or in agonizing pain. And he cared for me and JJ when I was sick. He also got us to the Cancer Center for JJ’s chemo even when the weather was awful, and he sat by JJ’s side, and he went and bought us lunch in the cafeteria, and then, after getting us safely home and settled in, he went to work at an awful company.
I think my husband is more powerful, and stronger, and more superheroy than Mr. Incredible.
And there are many other superheros out there–people who don’t give up even though they have MS and no income. Or people who have endured abuse all their lives but still persevere. Or people who are house-bound with chronic illnesses and still face life with graciousness and kindness. Or people who have lost their husband but still carry on–some even driving hundreds of miles to take their disabled child for treatment.
Those people, I think, are more powerful, and stronger, and more superheroy than Mr. Incredible.
However, in this email I am not comparing myself with Mr. Incredible when he was strong. I am comparing myself to him at the time when he knew he was not strong enough:
There are times when I persevere to do what needs to be done, even though I am exhausted. Then there are times when I am absolutely aware that no matter how much I try, I am not strong enough. My strength reaches an end.
At night, when I sit on our deck and look at the stars, I tell God that I am overwhelmed and tired, I feel pushed beyond endurance, and I can’t take much more. “You need to help us,” I plead. “We can’t take much more. We need a chance to rest.”
And then more problems hit.
Today I paid bills and worried about the drain on our finances. Besides the expense of moving, we have to get set up for winter, which has involved getting vehicles that can handle snow. We also have had to get good tires and fix a few other problems. And then there’s the generator we need to buy so we can have heat if our power goes out during winter storms. We’ve also had to pay taxes and insurance on the old house, as well as continue paying utilities so there are lights for prospective buyers and heat in the winter so the pipes don’t burst. And now there is the driveway.
I urged EJ to call the gravel place this week because each time it rains, our driveway erodes a bit more. As tired as he is, it has to be done and I am not knowledgeable enough about such things to do it. I thought that if we could get this done, it would be something off our To-Do list. I handled other things this morning while EJ called the gravel company. I expected delivery to take a few days, but EJ said they were going to bring up gravel this afternoon–which made me sigh inside because EJ would be at work and I know nothing about dealing with gravel companies. When the dump truck came, the guy got out and looked at our driveway and said that we don’t really need gravel as much as we need stones to fill the gullies along the sides of the driveway. “The gravel will just wash down the hill when it rains. But stones could cost real money.” I told him we just moved to the area and we didn’t have any idea of how to fix the driveway problems. He said, “And you just had to have a house on a hill….” No, I thought but didn’t say, we needed to have a one-story house so we don’t have to climb stairs as we age, and a house that was not a beater so EJ wouldn’t have to damage his back working on it, with a garage so he could have a place for his stuff and I could have a house without his stuff, in a beautiful, peaceful setting not too close to neighbors because we are exhausted and need to rest and recover. We didn’t care whether it was on a hill or not. Duh. He asked what we were going to use to spread out the stones. “Shovels and rakes,” I said. “And a guy with a bad back suffering from too much stress, a young man not fully recovered from cancer, and a woman who is totally exhausted and stressed,” I didn’t say. He gave a short mocking-sort of laugh. I thought, but didn’t say, that, duh, we don’t have a bulldozer or grader or all the expensive road-building equipment that construction companies have and we don’t have the money to rent them so we have to use what we have.
I had no idea what I should tell the guy to do: dump the gravel? bring us stones which I feared would be as expensive as diamonds? give up and buy burros to transport us up and down the hill? EJ doesn’t work at a job where he can talk on the phone so we always just text rather than call. However, I felt completely inadequate so I called EJ to ask him what to do. He said, “I don’t have time to talk on the phone. I have to get back to work. We will talk later” and he was gone. I felt so lost and overwhelmed and inadequate. I said aloud, “I have no idea what to do.” The guy said, “Look, you will need gravel to cover the bad place in the middle of your driveway and in the sandy place at the bottom. I will spread some gravel there and come back tomorrow to talk to your husband.” Fine.
Then I went into the house and cried. I sobbed aloud to God, “I have been strong all this time, and I have kept going even when I was exhausted, and I have not given up even when things were hard, and I have had faith in the most difficult situations, and I found reasons for my family to laugh when JJ had cancer. But now…I am not strong enough. You need to help us because I AM NOT STRONG ENOUGH!”
Then I checked my email and found a bunch of forms from the realtor that I needed to print out so we can sign and send back. Earlier today I had to send her last year’s utility bills. I cried, “After all the tons of papers I had to find and sign and send when we were buying our house, I am too tired to do it again now that we are selling a house!” But even though I am not strong enough, I did it anyway.
The move up here is very, very good. It is beyond good. But I’m not strong enough to endure more exhausting long trips down to the old house, or to watch EJ wearily and painfully groan as we try to load things that are too heavy. I’m not strong enough to take on more tasks so EJ can relax and not have stress-caused panic attacks. I’m not strong enough to endure anything comparable to an epically terrifying journey with a beater truck. I’m not strong enough to endure more sleepless nights filled with anxiety about EJ’s health, and worrying about JJ getting his life back after cancer, and stressed about whether or not our old house will sell (starting price is less than we paid for it), and trying to find us doctors, and keeping the schedule in my head of all the things that need to be done here before winter hits. And even though I totally understand that people are overwhelmed with their own lives and problems, and I don’t blame them for not being able to help, I am so not strong enough to have to keep do very difficult things without help.
But I have to be.
I just want to rest. But as they said, “There is no rest for the weary.”
Night Showers
When I was a child, my family built a fire pit surrounded by an octagon-shaped cement “patio” that had the names of each member of my family on it. It was cool. One night in mid-August some of the neighbors were invited over for a cookout and later we gathered around the fire. I finally went into the house about midnight, intending to go to bed but suddenly I heard shouts of “Oh, Wow!” “There’s a another one!” Curious, I ran outside to see what was going on. Everyone was pointing up at the meteorites raining from the night sky. It was a spectacular light show that sparked my interest in the stars. After that incident, I sent away for star charts and went outside whenever I learned that there would be eclipses, comets, or meteor showers.
EJ loves to watch the stars to, so through the years we have gone outside to watch stellar events. We have also always taken JJ out to enjoy them too. However, the light pollution in southern Michigan has grown and it’s been a long time since I have been able to see many stars.
But now we live in the north where the skies are dark and the stars are awesome. When EJ has days off, and when we aren’t busy, we sit on our patio, lean back in our chairs, and watch the stars as we talk together.
This week is the yearly Perseid meteor shower, the same meteor shower I saw years ago. EJ usually doesn’t get home from work until after I go to bed, but I have gone outside each evening to watch for meteorites. Last night I stayed up until after he got home. I’m determined to enjoy the show. One evening a bat flew low over my head so I went inside and got a hat. I do not dislike bats–I think they are interesting and beneficial–but I don’t want them flying low over my head and having a hat makes me feel less vulnerable. After seeing bats in our Enchanted Forest, I have googled the different types of bats we have in Michigan. I learned we have nine different types.
I can’t help but talk to God as I watch the beautiful night sky. In between thanking Him for moving us to a place where we can watch the stars, I have been telling Him how tired and stressed my family has been, and I have been asking Him to please bring people to help us finish moving, and to please sell our house quickly, and to please help us to be able to rest, recover, and renew our spirits.
And then EJ started having episodes of dizziness, numbness, and almost-fainting, which made me worried and increased my stress. I said to God this morning, “This isn’t want I had in mind. Maybe You misheard me. We need less stress, not more. We need rest, not more busyness added into our lives.” But then it occurred to me that because EJ is so stressed, we had to cancel our exhausting trip downstate this weekend, so that he (and we) could….rest. Oh.
Last weekend EJ and I laid tile in the chasms the rain had caused in our driveway. This morning EJ renewed his efforts to find someone to bring gravel for our driveway. He called a local company we found listed on the Internet, and then found out it was actually sort of an Angie’s List for construction-type companies. The woman on the phone recited a list of nearby gravel places and told EJ she could transfer his call to the one he chose. So he selected a gravel company, the woman transferred his call, and he talked to that person about delivering gravel. The person said he was in the area and could be at our place to look at the job in a few minutes. The man who showed up said he thought he was coming to get rid of a fallen tree (from last week’s storm), and he’s a tree company not a gravel company. Sometimes trying to find a business on the Internet feels like a comedy routine.
While EJ was trying to find gravel, I emailed the realtor. I explained that we couldn’t go downstate this weekend as planned because of EJ’s health and I didn’t know whether we should wait until we can finish moving the rest of the stuff or if we should just list the house. I asked her what she thought and she recommended we go ahead and list the house so we can (hopefully) sell it before summer is over. I replied that that sounded good. I’m praying, praying, praying that our house sells SOON! Having it gone will lift the physical, emotional, and financial drain on us.
After EJ went to work this afternoon, I mowed the lawn. This is only the second time this summer that I have mowed it. The weather has been dry–except for downpour or two–so the grass hasn’t grown fast. I really like the look of a freshly mowed lawn.
There were a few clouds today, but this evening the sky cleared so I went outside, sat in my chair, and watched for meteorites. I saw a few, including a very bright one that streaked across the sky. Then, suddenly, even though the sky was clear and filled with stars and meteorites, I began to see brilliant flashes lighting up the sky and hearing rumbles, as if a storm was moving in. But I was confused because I didn’t see any clouds and radar showed nothing. What could it be? Finally, I checked radar again that a rather intense storm had very suddenly popped up. Eventually I saw the clouds moving in above the trees and I watched as they ate up the stars. The meteor shower was finished for the night. We are now getting a spectacular house-shaking thunderstorm. I’m hoping it’s not as damaging as last week’s storm or that it causes our driveway to become impassable.
Just Breathe
Today we had a busy day scheduled. And then the day got busier.
Before I talk about our day, I’d like to describe something else. Be patient. It relates.
I have found that when a person describes difficulties or abuse, people often seem to not accept the reality of it. They often act as if the situation is “not that bad” as described or that the person is just seeing the situation negatively. The abusive person is “just wounded,” or “no one is perfect,” or “she probably really loves you,” or the victim just “needs to forgive and love more,” or “people are like that everywhere,” or “you should stop being so judgmental.” People don’t really listen with understanding to what is really being said. They just assume things are not that bad–and they try to cheer up the “complainer,” encourage him (or her), and advise him that he just needs to have more faith, love, contentment, or positive thinking.
I think it is probably a human tendency to want to believe the best instead of the worst of a situation or person. We all know there are evil people and situations in the world–we hear terrible things in the news–but we can’t believe we, or someone we know, are actually encountering it personally so we try to explain it away. EJ believes people are this way because of “normalcy bias,” which is defined on Definitions.net this way:
The normalcy bias, or normality bias, refers to a mental state people enter when facing a disaster. It causes people to underestimate both the possibility of a disaster occurring and its possible effects. This often results in situations where people fail to adequately prepare for a disaster, and on a larger scale, the failure of governments to include the populace in its disaster preparations. The assumption that is made in the case of the normalcy bias is that since a disaster never has occurred then it never will occur. It also results in the inability of people to cope with a disaster once it occurs. People with a normalcy bias have difficulties reacting to something they have not experienced before. People also tend to interpret warnings in the most optimistic way possible, seizing on any ambiguities to infer a less serious situation.
The problem with having a normalcy bias is that it can prevent a person from recognizing or escaping from bad situations because he–or someone he knows–believe it’s “not that bad.” I’ve read that one of the “gifts” of narcissistic abuse is that a victim stops seeing everyone through “rose-colored glasses” and begins to see things more realistically–understanding that there are both good and bad people in the world.
Anyway, the major reasons my family has moved north was because of abuse and stress. We encountered various forms of abuse and very difficult situations that left us emotionally and physically exhausted. I believe that we encountered each difficulty with faith and courage, but JJ’s cancer pushed us over the edge of endurance. We all began to exhibit signs of PTSD, which not just soldiers experience. Those with serious illness, their caregivers, and victims of abuse can suffer from it. We were not being negative; it was “that bad.” We asked God to move us to a good area, a beautiful area, where we could rest and recover. And He did. This move has been very good for us in many, many ways, getting us away from abusive people, enabling EJ to work at a good company, helping JJ begin to get his life back after cancer, and allowing us to live among beauty that refreshes our spirits. We are doing our best to get things set up here and to cut ties downstate, but it will take time to get to a place where we can rest and just enjoy our surroundings. Mostly, right now, we are tired and stressed from trying to get stuff done here and there.
And that gets me back to talking about our day.
I found a counselor who works with young people to help JJ to deal with the emotional effects of cancer and, we hope, to help him find young people with his interests whom he can socialize with. I tried to help him find a support group downstate last year, but was unsuccessful. The Cancer Support people who I have found here in the north have been awesome. JJ met with the counselor for the first time today and really liked her. He felt encouraged after he talked with her.
At his request, I was planning to go with JJ to his first meeting with the counselor, but instead I took EJ to our new doctor. Ever since our last drive to our old house, EJ has struggled with episodes of dizziness, numbness, and almost passing out that are increasing in frequency and severity. We were afraid he was at risk of a heart attack or stroke or something equally serious, which made me feel very anxious. Even though his initial New Patient appointment isn’t scheduled until early September, the doctor agreed to see him today. She has a sense of humor, seems very caring, and we quickly established a rapport with her. She actually went to college in a town near where we used to live so she knows the area where we are from, and she also knows our previous doctor. Small world. Anyway, after listening to EJ describe what has been going on in our lives and asking questions about his symptoms, the doctor strongly suspects that EJ is suffering panic attacks caused by high stress. The years he spent working at a terrible job, JJ’s cancer, getting a new job, buying a new house, repeated trips trying to get stuff moved from our old house so we can sell it, the battles with the insurance agent….all this is exhausting and stressful and it is beginning to affect his health. The doctor said that she will have EJ undergo other tests to make sure that something else isn’t going on but she really believes prolonged high stress is the culprit.
We had planned to drive down to the house this weekend to try to finish moving and also to list our house with the realtor. The house is a financial, emotional, and physical drain on us and we’d like to list it ASAP, but we think we are going to have to postpone our trip so EJ can rest. We desperately need people to help us get our remaining possessions north, but we don’t really have many people in that area to call on for help. I’m praying for more miracles. Like, “G-d, please bring us people to help us finish moving. And please sell our house SOON so we can be done with down there and start restfully enjoying life here.”
Since we didn’t think EJ would have time to drop me off at home before heading to work, JJ met us at the doctor’s office after his appointment with the counselor so he could take me home. He was concerned about his Dad and got all stressed out, which was….stressful. We are all tired and stressed and wound up. We are easily overwhelmed, don’t sleep well, and get discouraged.
We got stuck in heavy traffic so JJ didn’t have time to drop me off at home so we went together to his next appointment. Although he enjoys the people he works with at his current job, he is hoping to find a job that is full-time and closer to home before winter. He applied for a job on-line and had an interview today, but he thinks it didn’t go well. He was stressed going into it and also wonders if he will be seen as too young for the position. He said he feels stupid, but I tried to remind him that I’m proud of him for trying and at least he got an interview, which is not nothing. Also, he won’t get every job he applies for because he’s competing with others–some of whom might have more experience or be a better fit. However, this doesn’t mean that he is “not good enough.” I reminded him that his counselor told him that he is actually progressing very well after his battle with cancer.
The Manitou
Tonight we went sailing on a Tall Ship called the Manitou.
I love the beauty and romance of the old sailing ships and I have always wanted to sail on one. I also have always wanted to see a sunset from a boat. Tonight I fulfilled both dreams.
We were afraid of being late and missing the cruise, so we left home super early. We never know what the traffic conditions are going to be and we didn’t want to be left standing at the dock. However, it took less time to get to the site than we anticipated, so once we knew where it was, we drove a short distance to a park on the coast. A duck meandered near us. I said “Hello!” and she ran right up to me. We walked a little ways and sat on large rocks to enjoy the scenery and the duck walked with us and then settled down next to us. She sat there for quite some time and even fell asleep.
We headed back to the Manitou office where we got checked in and were given boarding paces. Then we were bused across the busy street to the dock. The small bus made several trips and when all the tourists were brought to the dock, we went aboard the vessel.
Once we got away from the dock, the friendly crew asked for many volunteers to help raise the sails. I volunteered and pulled JJ along with me. When we were told to, we all heaved on the rope and pulled the hoisted the heavy sails. EJ was roped into helping unfurl the top of the sail. I didn’t get pictures because we were too busy heaving on the rope. However, I took a video of group of others raising a different sail.
The Manitou crew was friendly, the Captain was colorful, the boxed lunch we were served was very delicious–one of the most delicious box lunches I’ve ever had on a tour–and the scenery was awesome.
I can’t even describe what a wonderful experience this was. Our week had been very stressful…with the trip downstate last weekend, the hellish journey back with ‘Ol Nellie, our beater truck, the terrible storm we had, the struggles with the insurance agent. I felt as if my muscles were knotted with stress. The trip on the Manitou was so beautiful, so peaceful, and so delightful that I felt the stress ebb away. The cruise was everything–and more–that I had dreamed of. I told EJ I would love to go again. And again. And again. Maybe someday we can go on the overnight trip. Or the 6 day tour.
Ahhhh. It was awesome.
A Dog, Two Cats, and A Flock of Turkeys
Today EJ called the new insurance agency to see if all our policies had been transferred, and to also find out how we were going to manage this first month of payment. I had talked to the agent at the downstate agency on Monday and after I emphatically told him that I wanted our policies transferred NOW, he had said, “I’m doing it as we speak.” Liar. The northern agency had told us several weeks ago that transferring an account can be done in a few minutes with a couple clicks of the mouse. They said today that they had only begun receiving our policies this morning and they are being sent slowly, one at a time. Grrrr.
I’m not sure what this difficult agent is hoping to accomplish with his nasty behavior. I mean, is he expecting us to say, “Well, gee, you are giving us so many problems that I guess we’ll just keep you as our agent.” NOT! He lost us when he called the northern agency to yell that they were “poaching us.” Actually, he was losing us long before that. We never liked him as much as his predecessors. Anyway, I am considering contacting the corporate office to complain about him. I’ve never had such a bad experience with a company.
But, on a more positive note, a couple weeks ago I emailed the hospital Cancer Services to see if I could find JJ a support group. I tried to find JJ one downstate, but although the oncology staff was awesome, we weren’t given help finding support after his treatment ended. Up here in the north I have talked to several people and each of them have been incredibly supportive, always telling me that they are here to help and they will do all they can. I feel really encouraged by them.
I was busy all this afternoon cleaning and finding places for the items I unpacked from a few more boxes. I was finally sitting down to rest when I happened to notice Little Bear and Timmy sitting on the window sill, very focused on something. They were looking down so I thought they had found a bug or something. Then Danny went over to the window and I could tell he was also interested in the “Something.” I decided to see what was so interesting and was surprised to see turkeys right outside the window!
I went from window to window following the flock of turkeys as they wandered to the back of the house. When I had a clear view, I videoed them. Little Bear watched out the window and about halfway through the video, Danny came into the room. He whined a bit because a table in front of the window prevented him from getting close for a good view. Timmy also wandered in to watch the turkeys. The turkeys came right up to the window. I never get tired of watching them. I love how the adult turkeys stand guard over the babies, which are growing up fast.
I love life in the Enchanted Forest!
I Love To Go A Gardening 