I Love To Go A Gardening
Growing Our Life in Northern Michigan
But I Found None
I’m having a rough week.
I’ve been having panic/anxiety attacks. I hate them because they make me feel battered and messy and weak. I used to feel strong and able to handle difficult situations. I don’t feel that way any more. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever feel strong again.
I occasionally share information about abuse here or at FB because I would like to help people who are confused and struggling in abusive relationships to understand what is happening, why it is happening, and how to escape and recover. I’d also to educate people who are not in abusive situations so they can understand what victims are suffering and avoid adding to that suffering.
They say that when it comes to emotional abuse, “If are not experiencing it, you can’t understand it and if you are experiencing it, you can’t explain it.” I find that to be very, very true.
I think most victims do not speak up because…well, it’s no use. Sometimes I wish that could be silent too. In find that when victims try to explain the damage of abuse, more time than not people end up urging them to reconcile with their abusers and when they say they can’t, the victim is seen as petty, angry, bitter, and unforgiving. I was told this morning that I dishonored myself and my family by walking away from their abuse–because they are, after all, my family. Seriously, I almost think that the advice of “friends” is more damaging than the abuse of the abuser. I am a believer myself, but I sadly find that, in general, most Christians have little understanding of abuse and they most often tell victims that they must remain in abusive situations. This makes me angry–angry because rather than help the suffering, they end up beating them up even more. So the battering suffering ones grow silent.
Consider this: if a victim must always stay with her abusers, why did God lead His people out of oppressive slavery in Egypt? Why didn’t He just tell them to remain there and love their oppressors to Him? Instead, He delivered them. And throughout Scripture, God says He loves the oppressed and the needy, and He promises to deliver and rescue them. Why? And amazingly, there are places in Scripture where it says God thrust his people out of His presence because of their wickedness. If it’s so wrong to have No Contact with wicked people, why did God do this? (Jer 7 and 14, Romans 1)
Most victims do not share their stories of abuse. Those who share, at most, are really only sharing small fragments, tiny bits and pieces of their story. It’s impossible to share everything. This means that a person is not hearing about all the million little cruelties that damaged the victim, all the things the victim tried and tried and tried to do in order to reconcile with an abuser who didn’t want to reconcile, all of the anguish and reasons that finally led the victim to escape, and all the daily battles fought to recover. If most of the story is untold, a person can’t always know enough to understand what was so bad about the situation and why it can’t be fixed. People get the conclusion, but not the process of reaching it. So a person might wrongly jump to the conclusion that the victim is petty, making a mountain out of a molehill, unforgiving, unloving, refusing to give the one who hurt her the benefit of the doubt, refusing to give grace, and yada, yada, yada.
Victims are often told that they must love, forgive, and give their abusers “the benefit of the doubt.” What makes people think that they haven’t? If a victim had walked away at the first difficulty, they would never have suffered such damage at the hands of the abuser. Instead, they stayed. And they loved and forgave and gave their abuser the benefit of the doubt. And they stayed and they loved and forgave and gave their abuser the benefit of the doubt. And they stayed and they loved and forgave and gave their abuser the benefit of the doubt. And they stayed and they loved and forgave and gave their abuser the benefit of the doubt. I don’t know how many times I should repeat this before it sinks in. Victims stayed and they loved and forgave and gave their abuser the benefit of the doubt until one day they realized that they couldn’t take it anymore. They said “ENOUGH,” and “NO MORE” and they began to educate themselves about abuse, they escaped, and they began the long difficult process of recovery. So do not, under any circumstance, EVER tell a victim that she must try harder and longer and more to love and forgive and give their abusers the benefit of the doubt. They have done it far longer than you can imagine and it has caused them great damage.
I often wonder why people always tell the victim to love and forgive her abuser, but they rarely (ever?) tell the abuser to give it to the victim? People love, give grace to, justify, and defend the abuser while they condemn his victim. This is wrong.
Likewise, I wonder why people give the abuser the benefit of the doubt–assuming he really loves his victim, or that he just needs love, or that he isn’t really such a terrible person–but they almost never give the victim the benefit of the doubt. The victim is rarely, if ever, given the benefit of the doubt that she loved and forgave her abusers, gave them benefit of the doubt, and kept trying. Frankly, I’m tired of sympathy and support going to the unrepentant abuser. A repentant wrongdoer is one thing–he is deserving of mercy–but an unrepentant abuser is another, and I think the victim is more deserving of mercy than the ones who “cannot rest until they do evil; they are robbed of sleep till they make someone stumble. (Prov. 4:16)
I feel frustrated sometimes when people say that we can’t read others’ minds or know what is in their hearts so we must look at actions, give the abuser the benefit of the doubt, and assume he is actually loving and probably longs to reconcile. This sort of belief kept me trapped in abuse for YEARS. The first part is true: we can’t read others’ minds. However, often people say these things to a victim to convince her that she can’t know that her abuser hates her, since she doesn’t know what is in his mind, so she must give him the benefit of the doubt, assume he is good-hearted, and keep him in her life. But they are actually doing what they are accusing the victim of doing, which is assigning to a person motives that they can’t really see (since they aren’t mind readers) and ignoring the abuser’s actions. They don’t seem to consider that perhaps the victim actually is not just willy-nilly assigning imagined evil to the abuser but is correctly judging the abuser on his actions, and his actions are evil.
Although we can’t read people’s minds, the Bible does say that we can recognize whether someone is good or bad by their fruit–by their actions. An occasional failure is NOT abusive, but a pattern of mistreatment IS abusive. Abusive actions are not loving. A person who consistently mistreats another person does not love him because a person who loved would not keep consistently and unrepentantly hurting others. Consistent abusive action is indicative of hatred, not love. So, yeah, when I–or any victim–says that I know that my abuser(s) does not love me, do not tell me that he/she does. You have not heard all the story. You have not suffered at their hands. You do not know them.
Emotional abuse is often called “soul murder” or “emotional rape” for a reason. Emotional abusers love their victims as much as a rapist loves the woman he rapes. Imagine telling a rape victim that she can’t really know what was in his heart (since she can’t read his mind), and you are sure he must have actually loved her, and that she shouldn’t judge him, and that she really ought to give him the benefit of the doubt, and that she really should allow him access to her and her family. And then please don’t EVER say those things to a victim of emotional abuse.
I would like to ask people: Do you really think that one day I–or any victim–woke up and decided–piff! on a whim–that I would cut off contact with family? Do you really think that out of some minor, petty tiff I would throw away the family I loved, and the shared family history, and the celebrations of holidays and milestones, and my son’s connection with relatives, and mutual support during difficult times? Seriously? Well, let me tell you that takes years and years, it takes agonizing and heartbreak and tears and prayers and courage and strength and self-respect and faith to finally walk away from abuse. So, don’t ever believe that this was an easy or thoughtless decision for a victim, and don’t EVER pressure victims to return to her abuser. Not every family is good, and a victim doesn’t just walk away for no reason. Again, you don’t know the whole story, you see only tidbits. Don’t assume.
I would like to ask people: Do you REALLY believe that a victim has not considered that the abuse might be HER fault? That maybe she is misjudging or mistreating her abusers? Do you really think that she hasn’t poured over and struggled and cried over the verses about love and forgiveness and loving enemies, or that she has not begged God to please show her if she is wrong and to forgive her if she is? Abuse victims agonize over these things during long sleepless nights and soggy pillows. They often have trouble getting over the self-blame and guilt that they couldn’t love enough and couldn’t endure enough to change their abuser.
It’s true that people’s hearts can change and they can repent of what they have done. It’s true that God’s love can sometimes soften a hard heart. However, this is not true in every case. There is a difference between a person who sometimes sins–and then repents–and one who unrepentantly chooses to do wrong. The first person will heed correction and become wise. The second won’t. The Psalms and Proverbs are filled with descriptions of evil people who are arrogant and who deliberately plot to destroy the innocent. In fact, in interviews with researchers, abusers have said that often they perceive people who unconditionally love and forgive as weak and deserving of exploitation. They aren’t saying, “Wow! This person loves me! I think I will change my wicked ways!” Often giving unconditional love and forgiveness to an abusive person actually causes the abuse to INCREASE.
Victims are FREQUENTLY told that they must love their abuser to Christ. Listen: If all that was necessary to get a person to turn from his wicked ways was unconditional love then every single person who ever met Jesus while he lived on earth would have fallen to their knees in repentance. If anyone’s love could have caused a wicked person to change from his wicked ways, it would have been the perfect love of the Messiah. Yet, this did not happen. Jesus tended to polarize people–some were drawn to him but many others were repelled, offended, and threatened by him. They hated him and eventually killed him. Even one in his core group betrayed him. (John 6 describes a time when Jesus so offended his followers that many of them turned back and no longer traveled around with him.) So if Jesus’ love could not change every person–or even most people–who met him, what makes anyone think that a victim’s love is strong enough to change a wicked abuser?
I find Isaiah 26:10 to be interesting. Here is the verse in several versions:
New International Version
But when grace is shown to the wicked, they do not learn righteousness; even in a land of uprightness they go on doing evil and do not regard the majesty of the LORD.
New Living Translation
Your kindness to the wicked does not make them do good. Although others do right, the wicked keep doing wrong and take no notice of the LORD’s majesty.
English Standard Version
If favor is shown to the wicked, he does not learn righteousness; in the land of uprightness he deals corruptly and does not see the majesty of the LORD.
New American Standard Bible
Though the wicked is shown favor, He does not learn righteousness; He deals unjustly in the land of uprightness, And does not perceive the majesty of the LORD.
An abuser abuses not because of the failures of the victim, but because abusers choose to abuse. An abuser is changed–or not–by his own response to truth: Does he accept it or reject it? Does he repent of his sin or harden his heart? Although God is long-suffering, not willing that any should perish, he makes quite clear how he feels about those who are prideful. And even his patience has a limit: Romans 1 describes that when people consistently suppress and reject the truth, God will eventually give them over to their depraved mind.
The victim is often told that she must “love your enemies” and do good to them. The Bible says that, yes. However, what does this mean? There are ways that we can “love” our abusers, which does not include a victim keeping herself in his power. In fact, I would suggest that it is certainly NOT loving to allow someone to engage in destructive behavior without holding him accountable for it. It is not loving to the victim, and it is not loving to others, such as the children, who would be harmed by the abuser, and it is not even loving to the abuser himself. Unchecked evil tends to grow and become more violent and to draw more victims into the damage. And FYI: there are many verses about not walking, standing, sitting, staying with, associating with, or even eating with a wicked person. We are even told that if a person refuses to repent, to treat him like a pagan or tax collector.
I would further say that rather than be an act of unlove and ungrace, going No Contact can actually be an act of mercy. Rather than seek revenge, rather than try to destroy the enemy, a victim can choose to quietly withdraw to protect herself and her family. In this way, perhaps the abuser can face the consequences of his actions and turn to God. In 1 Cor. 5, Paul actually scolded the Corinthians for giving “grace” to a man who had been sleeping with his father’s wife, and recommended that they “hand this man over to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, so that his spirit may be saved on the day of the Lord.” Ouch. Not exactly the form of “loving of enemies” that we are used to.
A victim of abuse has been through hell. Her identity, value, self-confidence, and security has been attacked and, in many cases, destroyed. You better believe that she has become “messy.” She likely struggles with PTSD (caused by long-term trauma), depression, anxiety, fear, panic…even thoughts of suicide. She might cry and get angry. She doesn’t need anyone to tell her that she is weak, that her emotions are sinful, that she ought to return to her abuser, that she needs more faith. Walking away from the abusers required tremendous courage and strength and faith. Most victims also have to have the tremendous courage, strength, and faith to withstand friends, family, and church who condemn her. Many victims who walk away from abusive spouses often struggle with poverty. Often it takes tremendous courage, strength, and faith to get up in the morning and make it through the day. So, yeah, she’s messy but she’s mostly courageous, strong, and has tremendous faith. Don’t you ever tell her she’s NOT.
Like many suffering people, Job was raw and messy and emotional. Sometimes he sounded very angry with God. Like many victims, his friends were full of pious advice and accusations. Yet, at the end, this is what God said to Job’s friend, Eliphaz:
“I am angry with you and your two friends, because you have not spoken the truth about me, as my servant Job has. So now take seven bulls and seven rams and go to my servant Job and sacrifice a burnt offering for yourselves. My servant Job will pray for you, and I will accept his prayer and not deal with you according to your folly. You have not spoken the truth about me, as my servant Job has.” (Job 42)
Sometimes I wonder why I speak up. I’m deep-down weary and I feel battered by the advice of people who don’t understand. But then someone contacts me privately and shares their story of abuse and asks for help. I speak because I care for them.
Answer me, Lord, out of the goodness of your love;
in your great mercy turn to me.
Do not hide your face from your servant;
answer me quickly, for I am in trouble.
Come near and rescue me;
deliver me because of my foes.
You know how I am scorned, disgraced and shamed;
all my enemies are before you.
Scorn has broken my heart
and has left me helpless;
I looked for sympathy, but there was none;
for comforters, but I found none. (Ps. 16-20)
Duck, Duck, Goose…Guinea?
Last week we have very warm weather, with temperatures reaching into the 50s and even low 60s. Almost all of our snow melted. I shed my coat and boots and wore a hoodie and shoes.
Since it’s only February, I knew it was completely unrealistic to believe that the spring-like weather would continue so I wasn’t surprised when winter weather returned on Friday. We had a “wintry mix” with freezing rain, hail, and several inches of snow. It snowed so hard that we even had thunder-snow. It has been snowing today as well, and a strong wind keeps blowing the snow into snow-nadoes that are fun to see.
With the days growing longer and the warmer temperatures, the chickens and ducks have been spending more time outside. My poultry don’t seem to like wintry weather all that much so they stay in their coop when it’s cold and snowy. The chickens have begun laying eggs again which is a delight!
I’ve been researching geese with the strong probability of buying a couple. Geese are very good for home security. As one article I found said,
Geese can make excellent “watchdogs” or guards. In fact, geese are used to guard businesses such as whiskey warehouses in Scotland and military facilities in Europe. Geese are loud and quick to respond when they hear the slightest questionable noise. Geese naturally understand, without any training, that any people and animals living on the property are part of their flock. They tend to have no fear of challenging a human or animal that intrudes on “their” property or that threatens “their” people and animals. A flock of geese may be an unusual method of home security, but they can be effective without any special training.
I do not know if geese would scare off the deer and wild turkeys, which would make me sad, but I like the idea of having guardian geese protect the ducks and chickens from predators and warn us of strangers. I hear that some people find geese more scary than dogs–maybe because they are not as familiar. Hmmm. I wouldn’t want the geese to scare off the UPS or Fed Ex delivery guys though.
There are many different breeds to choose from, but I am considering African Geese. I’ve learned that they are very good guardians, are very fertile, are good mothers, and are excellent at weeding. I also read in an article, “African geese are more likely than the other two heavy breeds to be interested in having a relationship with humans. ‘Even though I don’t spend a lot of time with them, they stay pretty tame. Africans stand out as the friendliest.’” I like the idea of a friendly goose who is a good guard against predators.
We are considering getting two geese–one male and one female. I told my guys that I would name one “Dragon” and the other something like “Ogre.” Guards ought to have strong, scary names, a and since I call our property our “Enchanted Forest,” I think our guardians should have fairy tale names. Besides, I like the thought of putting up a sign warning trespassers to turn around or I will release the Dragon and Ogre.
I was all set to call one of the local farm markets this morning to see if we could order goslings from them when EJ told me that guinea hens go after ticks. I read that with all the warm weather we’ve had, there might be more ticks than usual in Michigan this summer. I hate ticks. Ticks are like spiders only they dig in so you can’t just brush them off.
So I researched guinea hens and I learned that they also go after potato bugs, moths, slugs, aphids, Japanese beetles, grasshoppers and other creepy-crawlers. “Other creepy-crawlers” might include giant spiders? Guinea hens also, I read, kill snakes, and chase robins and other birds away from cherry trees and strawberry patches.
The problem with guinea hens is that they aren’t as tame as other poultry. An article I read at Countryside website said,
“Unlike chickens, guinea fowl can run faster, fly higher, range further, and “sing” louder than most poultry. Guinea fowl can be very difficult to catch unless they are trained. They can fly up onto the roof of a house or high up into a tree. Although they are not as loud as peafowl, they are more “talkative”, especially during that first year of life when everything they see and hear is new and unusual to them.
If guineas are not trained to roost inside a poultry shed at night, they will take to the trees and have all night slumber parties, talking into the wee hours – especially during a full moon.
Noisy? Mostly when there’s a good reason – such as a hawk or other predator, or a human stranger.
Our neighbor told EJ that a previous owner had had a flock of guinea hens. She let them free-range and couldn’t ever get them to return to their coop. The coyotes picked them off one by one. So although I love that they would provide pest control, I’m indecisive about the wisdom of getting them. We might get a few and try them out.
Since I have bought my first chickens and ducks, I learned of something called “Chicken Math.” Chicken Math occurs when a person starts out with the intention of just buying a couple chickens. The next thing they know, their small flock has increased to four, ten, twenty, or more chickens as well as including a few ducks, geese, guinea hens, turkeys….I have fallen prey to Chicken Math.
Transitioning
Yikes! I can’t believe that I haven’t written since January 29th! I have a lot of catching up to do.
Mostly I didn’t write because I was very tired. I don’t think that I’ve had a good night’s sleep for more than a year. Shortly after we moved, our bed became more and more uncomfortable. We weren’t sure what, exactly, was the problem, so we spent the year “tweaking”–buying a foam mattress topper, getting new box springs, building a platform, buying a new mattress. I thought the new mattress would finally solve the problem, but I still haven’t been sleeping. I’ve just had a series of naps, sleeping part of the night in the bed, and then part of the night in EJ’s lazy-boy chair, and then napping on the bed in the morning after EJ left for work…and waking up each time with an aching back. This last weekend we made another minor tweak, and the bed felt more comfortable so maybe we have finally fixed all the uncomfortable elements–although EJ said it will probably take a bit of time for my back to heal.
Since we have moved north, we have made much progress in recovering from PTSD and anxiety. However, we have taken a few steps backwards into anxiety because of the possibility that JJ’s cancer might have returned. JJ’s next oncology appointment is at the end of July and it feels like a sword hanging over our heads. We are praying all the time that his cancer numbers decrease.
It snowed a lot at the beginning of winter with 6-12 inches at a time. I had to snowblow every day or two just to keep up. Once we entered 2017, however, the pace slowed. It snow just about every day, but only a few inches at a time. It wasn’t really worth bothering with, which was good because the belt on the snowblower broke in early February–or was it late January? The previous owners had put the wrong type of belt on the snowblower, so it took EJ a few tries to find the correct belt and then he had to learn how to put it on the snowblower. We’ve never lived where we needed a snowblower, so we aren’t experienced with them. However, thanks to You Tube videos and a co-worker who has a side business of repairing machines, EJ was able to get the snowblower up and running.
We’ve actually had quite a few warm days mixed in with the colder days. It made outside chores more tolerable but the warm days presented their own challenges because during the day some of the snow melted and then froze at night when the temperatures dropped, making our property very icy and slippery. One evening when Danny needed to go outside, the porch step was so slippery that he fell and couldn’t get the necessary traction to get back on his feet. I had to hold his collar and drag him across the icy porch. Once I got him back inside, I salted the step to get rid of the ice. I’ve kept Danny on a leash to keep him away from deep snow or treacherous ice so his leg can heal.
Of course, the ice made our driveway very treacherous. It was difficult to decide whether it was better to snowblow the driveway or to let the snow cover the ice in hopes that it would provide traction. The decision was taken out of our hands: With the snowblower out of commission for a few weeks, the snow in the driveway got a bit deep, then the warm days melted the snow into slush, which then froze into nubbly icy waves. It was impossible to snowblow such an uneven surface. Fun. But although traversing the driveway was dicey at times, neither EJ nor JJ got stuck.
This week the temps have risen into the high 40s and more of the snow is melting. We have spreading patches of bare ground appearing.
With the warmer weather, the chickens and ducks have been spending more time outside and have they have begun laying eggs again. It’s nice to look out of our bedroom window and seeing them enjoying the weather. Every morning when I went out to the coop, I found Sassy Rooster and 1-3 hens in the duck side. It was a chore to get them back into their side of the coop/pen. I considered just letting them all mingle together but when I tried, it, Sassy began picking on Esther, our lame duck, so I quickly separated them again. Yesterday EJ fastened more wiring above the dividing fence in the pen so the chickens can’t cross over. They liked perching on the top of the dividing fence so he put a long railing in their coop for them to perch on instead.
We’ve heard from several different people downstate that the sandhill cranes are migrating south so maybe we will have an early Spring. Of course, it is only February, which means it’s unrealistic to think we won’t get more winter weather. In fact, I read this morning that a strong storm system bringing wintry weather is heading our way for the weekend. But at the least the warm weather will melt more of the ice in the driveway to make it easier to snowblow.
Despite the challenges, I actually really love winter. I can’t decide whether autumn or winter is my favorite season, but definitely I prefer colder weather. I love wearing sweatshirts and jeans. There’s nothing like the “warm fuzzy” feeling of cuddling up in a blanket with a cat on my lap and a dog at my feet sipping hot coffee while the snow falls outside. I love the breathtaking beauty of a snow-covered landscape. I love the way the wind makes the snow swirl into snow-nadoes. When the trees are bare of leaves in the winter, I can see more of the horizon, which means that I can enjoy the beautiful sunrises and sunsets that are hidden by summer’s foliage. And although I think that snowblowing is more difficult than mowing the lawn, I prefer snowblowing. In the summer, I quickly become overheated when mowing the lawn; EJ says that my face gets both very red and very white at the same time. I think it’s easier to stay warm in the winter than to get cool in the summer.
Most of all, I love watching and photographing the wildlife in the winter. During the summer we don’t see much wildlife because the birds, turkeys, and deer stay hidden in the forest. During the winter months, however, they are drawn out of the forest to the bird feeders near the house. It is so delightful to sit on my couch and take photos of them.
I think winter is absolutely magical. But Spring is exciting too and I’ve begun dreaming of being able to put away the coats and boots, and opening windows, and drying laundry on the clothesline, and having campfires…
January Thaw
I haven’t written for…a week or two? Life has been happening.
JJ is back in his college classes. He really enjoys his classes. He is taking a law enforcement class, sociology, math and, I think, a psychology class.
Almost every year Michigan has what is called a “January thaw,” in which the weather warms up a bit. Many times it’s just for a day or two. This year the January thaw lasted a couple of weeks. The temperatures rose during the day and melted some of the snow and then they dropped during the night and froze the slushy puddles. It made our driveway very icy.
I think Danny must have fallen on the icy because he started to limp. His limp wasn’t that bad at first, but it steadily got worse. I think his insistence on “swimming” through deep snow to get to the places he has chosen as his toilet area just made his injury worse. After a several days, he went from a slight limp to not wanting to put any weight on his leg.
So JJ and I took Danny to the vet last Monday. It’s the first time we’ve visited a veterinarian up here. The vet was ok, but there are some people you just immediately “connect” with and she wasn’t one of them. I am not sure I will keep going to her. I might try another veterinary once Danny’s current problem is resolved. I really missed our old vet downstate, whom we had gone to for years and years. He was retiring at the same time we were moving north, so even if we had stayed down there, he wouldn’t have been our vet.
Anyway, the vet thinks Danny got a football player-type injury in which his ligament sort of stretched and allows his knee too much movement. She prescribed pills for him to reduce inflammation and pain and her nurse gave him a laser treatment to help the muscle heal. Danny had to wear goggles during the treatment to protect his eyes. He looked cool. Danny handled the treatment and goggles as calmly as he does everything. The vet said that if he doesn’t improve, she can have x-rays done to see if there is some other problem. I’m hoping it won’t come to that because I suspect it will be expensive and we are not exactly rolling in money.
The January Thaw ended a couple of days ago. We are back to wintry cold and snow. We’ve had some heavy snow, but it’s not accumulating like it did before the thaw. I’m glad. It’s physically tiring to snowblow the driveway every day.
JJ has periodic appointments with his oncologist to make sure he remains cancer-free. His most recent appointment was on Friday. Before JJ had cancer, we never really thought about the possibility of our son getting cancer. It was always “someone else” who battled cancer. However, once it happened, we know that it’s not someone else, it’s us. And if it happened once, it can happen again. In fact, JJ says that he was told–I think by the oncologist downstate–that he has a 60% chance of the cancer returning so he always sort of assumes that he will get cancer again. Trips to the oncologist are always stressful.
Since JJ is 21–and will be 22 in two months–I always ask him if he wants me to come with him into the exam room. I want to give him emotional support, but also respect his independence. He has been saying, “Naw. I got this.” So I waited in the reception area for him. When he rejoined me, he said that he is mostly good. However, one of the cancer markers in his blood has been rising a bit. “Cancer marker” is one of the new terms we learned when JJ was diagnosed with the disease. A cancer marker is a biomarker found in blood, urine, or body tissues that can be elevated by the presence of one or more types of cancer. There are many different tumor markers, each indicative of a particular disease process, and they are used in oncology to help detect the presence of cancer.
JJ’s marker number has risen to 4. He is still in the “safe” zone. However, if his number rises to 6 he will have to have a CT Scan to see if his cancer has returned. We are all a bit anxious at the possibility of JJ’s cancer returning. We try not to worry, but I think we will always have anxiety about cancer. JJ’s next oncology appointment is scheduled for the end of July.
The Mattress: Conclusion
So, as I already wrote the other day, our mattress was scheduled to arrive between 9:45 a.m. and 11:45 a.m. on Thursday. JJ and I waited near the entrance of our driveway for several hours so we could transport the mattress the rest of the way by sled if the delivery men didn’t want to attempt driving up our steep 500 foot driveway. They never arrived. So throughout the day I called Sears at least three times and I contacted their on-line chat once. (I prefer to use on-line chat because an accent doesn’t get in the way of communication.) Each time I contacted Sears I was transferred to a call center located in India. The conversations were always the same. After a few calls, I realized that they must be reading from a script on “How to Deal with an Angry Customer.”
I would explain the situation–the scheduled delivery that hadn’t occurred, the steps I had taken to resolve this, and so on.
PIIWHATICBU (Person in India with heavy accent that I could barely understand): “I understand how frustrating this situation is for you. The delivery men could not locate your address. Can you verify your address for us?
I told them my address. Again.
PIIWHATICBU: We can reschedule the delivery for January 27.
Me: Waiting another two weeks for delivery is unacceptable. I want the mattress delivered TODAY. If they can’t find my address they can call me and I will give them further directions. If they don’t want to attempt driving up my driveway, they can call me and I will take it up the driveway myself.
PIIWHATICBU: Will you verify your phone number. (I do.) Ok. They will be there within two hours.
I’d wait for two hours and there was no sign of a delivery truck so I called back. We’d repeat the conversation. They would tell me to call the local Sears to resolve the problem. I would call the local number and I would be transferred to the call center in India. I was getting very frustrated and increasingly angry. Finally, my last conversation went something like this:
PIIWHATICBU: We understand your frustration. Our records show that the mattress was delivered.
Me: Did your delivery man throw the mattress in the snow at the bottom of my driveway? Because no mattress was delivered to my house and the only way it was delivered was if they threw it in the snow and drove off.
PIIWHATICBU: We can reschedule your delivery for January 29th. We will call the night before to give you a window of time in which it will be delivered.
Me. “No. That is unacceptable. The mattress was on a truck in my area TODAY so there is no reason for it to take another TWO WEEKS to get to my house. I realize it is now too late to be delivered today so I want it delivered TOMORROW. And I don’t want to be given another “time window” for delivery. I have been given multiple “time windows” and am still waiting for my mattress.
PIIWHATICBU: Can you verify your address?
Me: No I cannot. I have verified my address multiple times ALL DAY long. You have my correct address. You also have my correct phone number. I don’t know why the delivery men can’t find my driveway when they’ve never had problems making deliveries in the past. Do they have GPS? I have asked you to have the delivery men call when they get to my area and no one has called. I want to talk to your manager.
PIIWHATICBU: Ok. I will put you on hold and find a manager. [I wait at least ten minutes.] The manager is busy but he will call you within three hours.
That was two days ago. I have not yet heard from any manager.
I was so frustrated and spitting mad when EJ got home. He ended up driving all the way to Sears in the next town to talk to a real person. The woman he talked to–head of operations or something–was very friendly and helpful. EJ explained all the steps I had taken, my frustration at repeatedly having to talk to people in India that I could barely understand. She said the store employees are often frustrated as well because they have to talk to the people in India and they can’t really understand them either. Plus, the people in India really don’t know much beyond what is on their script so they really aren’t much help. She showed EJ that the computer had our correct address and phone number. She scheduled the delivery for Saturday (today). She gave him her personal cell phone number and said that if the mattress was not here by noon to give her a call.
So this morning EJ wrote our house numbers in BIG NUMBERS on a piece of wood and put it out by the road. “CAN YOU SEE IT NOW???” He kept his phone with him. Wouldn’t you know it, it rang the one time he had left it on the table while he went into another room. I ran to answer it. When I heard a heavily accented Indian voice, I handed the phone to EJ, who by that time was next to me. Here is the really crazy thing: The delivery guys had to call India to call us to tell us that they had arrived. EJ told the guy from India that he would drive down and, if the delivery guys could help, he would fasten the mattress to the top of his Suburban and transfer it the rest of the way to our house. The India guy then called the delivery men, who were at the bottom of our driveway, and passed on the message.
The delivery guys were actually really good guys. They told EJ that they couldn’t make it up our driveway because their truck gets easily stuck in even the slightest snow. They helped EJ load the mattress and he got it to the house. We now have the new mattress on the bed.
Yay! Now maybe I will get some decent sleep. EJ took a nap on the bed and said it was heavenly.
I have heard that Sears is losing money and is closing many stores. No kidding! I think that Sears, and businesses like them, need to understand a few things:
1. It’s vital for their success to have happy, satisfied customers. An unhappy customer will go to their competitors.
2. I understand that businesses save money by outsourcing their support services to other countries like India. But they are not saving money if their customers are can’t get good customer service.
3. Good communication is vital, including being able to understand what the person on the other side of the phone is saying.
4. The support staff in India were able to do a few limited things–like schedule regular deliveries. They absolutely had no authority or ability to deal with any problems. If their job to provide support and resolve problems, they need to be given the ability to do it.
5. I was caught in an endless loop. Whether I called the phone number on Sears’ website or tried to call my local store, I was constantly transferred to the call center in India. When they couldn’t resolve my problem, I needed to have access to someone who could resolve problems. That access did not exist.
The local people were excellent, but we had to drive to the actual store to get any help. Because of Sears’ mishandling of our delivery problems, we don’t plan to shop there again. But that is probably a moot point anyway because if they can’t provide good customer service, their store isn’t going to survive.
The Mattress
So today was the BIG day that our new mattress was scheduled to arrive!!! Yay!
EJ has been sleeping on JJ’s old twin mattress while I slept on the couch. The couch is very comfy for sitting on, but not as comfortable as the mattress is for sleeping on. EJ offered to let me have a turn at sleeping on the mattress but I refused because he has been suffering from greater-than-normal back pain lately and I thought he should have the better “bed.” I don’t sleep well on the couch and wake up with a sore back every morning. I’ve been enduring by counting the “(not) sleeps” until our new mattress arrived.
Sears texted me last night that the new mattress would be delivered between 9:45 a.m. and 11:45 a.m. this morning. In preparation, JJ shoveled a path to the front door last night while EJ snowblowed up near the house. We had a dilemma because it had rained several days ago. The rain froze and made our driveway very icy. The only thing that provided any sort of traction was the several inches of snow that has fallen. So do we snowblow or not?
This morning I was going to re-snowblow the areas EJ had cleared last night and maybe also the driveway because we had gotten several more inches of snow and I wasn’t sure the delivery guys would even want to attempt driving up to the house with so much snow. I filled the snowblower with gas, turned it on, and started out of the garage, but the snowblower motor started smoking and I saw that the blades weren’t rotating so I quickly turned it off and tried to see what the problem was. I found a thin strip of metal had gotten wrapped around the blades. I got it out, but couldn’t start the snowblower. Later I got the snowblower going again, but the blades still didn’t rotate. EJ texted that it is probably the belt. Not something I know how to fix.
JJ and I used shovels to clear off the places near the house. At just before 9:45 a.m., we headed down to the end of the driveway with the EJ’s big ice-fishing sled to wait for the delivery men. I didn’t want the guys to look at our driveway and decide not to deliver our mattress when we are willing to pull it up on the sled if we have to. The sled is so heavy that I didn’t know how we could pull it up with the added burden of a queen-sized mattress on it, but we’d manage somehow. Where there’s a will, there’s a way. EJ had said last night that we could attach it to the snowblower and use the snowblower to pull it up but, well, with the snowblower not working, that wasn’t going to happen.
We waited for two hours in the snowy cold for the delivery men to arrive. Nothing. So I checked the “delivery status” on-line and it said, “Delivered.” It was NOT delivered. I called Sears, listened to the answering machine messages giving me a bunch of options. I hate that. I finally was connected to someone with such a strong India accent that I could hardly understand her. I finally understood that she was telling me to call the local store. She gave me a phone number. So I called, and I had to listen to another bunch of answering machine options. When a real person finally answered, she spoke so softly and fast that I really understood only about half of what she said. I told her a couple of times that I couldn’t understand her and needed her to repeat herself. I did understand that she was telling me that my “blah, blah, blah, next delivery date would be January blah, blah.” I said “No.” No we aren’t waiting another two weeks for the mattress. So then she told me that the delivery men would be at my home within two hours.
I waited another hour and a half outside. I shoveled some of the 500 foot driveway to maybe make it more attractive for the delivery men to drive up the driveway to our house.
When the second two hours expired, I chatted with someone on-line from Sears, who tried to discover the problem, who then told me to call the delivery team. So I did (again), listened to the options, waited on hold, and was connected to a guy with an India accent, but not as strong as the first person. I probably understood about 75 percent of what he said. He asked me what time it was where I was, so I’m pretty sure he wasn’t in the USA. He tried to tell me that the mattress had been delivered. I told him that I have waited outside most of the day and unless the delivery guys recently drove up and threw the mattress in the snow at the end of the driveway, it was definitely NOT delivered. I also mentioned that I had ASKED them to call me when they neared our area if they had any difficulty finding us and they had not called. Like everyone else I talked to today, he verified my address. He also said he wanted to verify my phone number, but he rattled off my old number from the old house downstate. YIKES! Was our mattress delivered to the old house? But no, everyone verified the correct address. And, I told the guy, I had made sure that they had my correct phone number. PLUS the text informing me of the delivery time was sent to my current phone number. He said (I think) that if he had to reorder another mattress, the delivery date would be January 27.
I confess I yelled because I am exhausted, achy, cold, and very frustrated. I used to be very understanding and very patient and very enduring…but doggone it.
The did a bit more checking and said that our mattress is actually still on the truck and they will deliver it when they have delivered all the other items.
We shall see.
I’m still waiting…
Enchanting Forest Critters
JJ has made several unsuccessful attempts to drive in to the college to buy his books (the bookstore was closed for the holidays), but yesterday he tried again and was finally able to get his books before his new classes start. He wanted company so I went with him. We always have a friendly debate over who will drive. I said, “Your errand, you drive.” It is so beautiful here that I like to be the passenger and take photos. I can’t do that if I drive.
Today we are expecting several inches of new snow. Then the snow will switch to rain, which will make driving dangerous when the temps drop towards evening and the rain freezes. We also could get high winds up to 60 mph which could cause trees to fall and power outages. I’m really praying EJ gets home before the weather gets nasty. Fortunately, JJ doesn’t have to work today.
Although winter has its challenges, there is also a lot of magical delight to the season. It’s absolutely gorgeous to watch the snow falling. And I love to watch the wildlife. During the summer the birds and other animals tend to stay hidden in the forest. However, in the winter when the bears are hibernating, I am able to put out my bird feeders which draws the birds out where I can see and enjoy them. Mostly we get chickadees, nuthatches, goldfinches, and four different types of woodpeckers. Occasionally we see blue jays and very rarely we see a cardinal. All year we see crows and ravens flying overhead, and once in a while they visit the feeders.
Word gets around and other critters are attracted to our feeders as well. We occasionally get flocks of turkeys–sometimes as many as 25.
Just recently the deer have been visiting the bird feeders. They really love eating the seed mix that I put out for the birds. A couple of times I have put out a carrot as a special treat for them. Every evening at least one, most of the time at least two, and as many as six deer come to our feeders. A couple of them are quite young and visit with their Mamas.
It’s really a delight to watch them. They are quite skittish so just before I expect them to start arriving, I sit on the couch where I have a good view of the feeders through the windows. When I see them, I quietly lift my camera and zoom in to take photos or videos. Some of the deer are very curious and come right up to the windows to peer in at us. One cute little deer played a game of “peek-a-boo” with us. It makes me wonder if we are observing them or they are observing us.
This next video is of a Mama trying to reach the seed in the tray feeder just outside the window while her baby watches. Just as she walked away, my battery died and the camera turned itself off:
You can see other videos at my Youtube page. (I hope this link to my Youtube page works!)
Here is a collection of photos I’ve taken over the last few days:
I really love watching the wildlife here. It’s so magical and enchanting. I love living here!
Hanukkah and the Tin Dog
This morning dawned in quiet, snow-covered beauty. I’m still getting used to the challenges of harsher winters, but I wouldn’t want to live anywhere else. It is so beautiful.
Danny wanted outside as EJ was leaving for work. I went out with him and refilled the bird feeders for any birds, squirrels, turkeys, or deer who decide to visit. I know many people try to keep the squirrels from their feeders, but I honestly enjoy every critter who shows up. They are all fun to watch.
Hanukkah ended last weekend, but I have been pondering some thoughts I thought during Hanukkah but was too busy to write about. For those who are unfamiliar with it, Hanukkah is a holiday based on the story and tradition of the Jewish people’s defeat of the Seleucid Empire (Syrian-Greeks) in the Holy Land. In the 2nd century BC a small army of Jews called the “Maccabees” staged a rebellion against the Seleucids during their attempts to Hellenize the Jewish people and Land of Israel. You can read more about it here: Hanukkah. The message of Hanukkah is, basically, about not letting the darkness of the world overcome our light. Yeshua (Jesus) celebrated it (John 10:22) and it’s something that, as a believer, I can celebrate as well.
During Hanukkah, my thoughts dwell on not letting our lights be overcome by darkness and not being conformed to this world.
Many people loudly declare that they are standing against wrong when in reality they are succumbing to it–they are part of the darkness, not the light. Trying to silence those who have a different opinion, beating up people for voting differently, ambushing and murdering police, hating someone because of their color (whether black or white), rape, abuse…these are evil actions no matter who does them. It’s not wrong if one group does it and ok if another does it.
I don’t believe that we can heroically and courageously stand against major evils in our world unless we are making small everyday choices to stand firm.
I really enjoy the Doctor Who series. When my work is done and I want to relax, I watch Doctor Who. I was re-watching the series during Hanukkah and the combination has resulted in an interesting line of thought.
For those who are unfamiliar with Doctor Who (Gasp), the Doctor is a time-traveling Time Lord who take a variety of companions with him to share in his adventures. Every now and then he “regenerates”–he’s the same doctor, the same character, but he’s played by a different actor. The series originally ran from 1963 to 1989. There was an unsuccessful attempt to revive regular production in 1996, and then it was relaunched in 2005 with the ninth regeneration of the Doctor. I began watching the series with the most modern episodes.
The modern series began in 2005 with the ninth Doctor who had a companion named Rose Tyler. When she ran off with the Doctor she left behind her boyfriend, Mickey Smith. The Doctor didn’t respect Mickey much, often deliberately mispronouncing his name, calling him “Mickey the Idiot,” and valuing him only when he was useful to them. Rose didn’t seem to give much thought to Mickey except on her occasional visits home. Mickey, meanwhile, wasn’t much for adventure–which is fine, not everyone is an adrenaline junkie–but he never moved on with his life. His life was on hold while he kept waiting for Rose to return….until one day he had a pivotal moment that changed everything.
It occurred in an episode called “School Reunion,” in which the tenth Doctor reconnected with a previous companion, Sarah Jane Smith, who first appeared in the series in 1973. With her was K-9, the Doctor’s robot dog who he had left with her when she ceased traveling with him. Sarah Jane met the Doctor’s new companions and in a conversation with Mickey, she said, “The Doctor likes traveling with an entourage. Sometimes they’re human, sometimes they’re aliens and sometimes they’re tin dogs. What about you? Where do you fit in the picture?” Mickey Smith replied, “Me? I’m their man in Havana. I’m their technical support. I’m…Oh my god. I’m the tin dog!”
This realization that he was merely the “tin dog,” set aside until needed, was the pivotal moment that changed his life. At that point, he decided that he would no longer be the tin dog. He began traveling with the Doctor, he became active rather than passive in his life, and he began to transform into a warrior who courageously fought against evil.
I do not blame victims for abuse. The blame belongs to the abusers who are extremely skilled at confusing their victims, at gaslighting their victims so that they second-guess and blame themselves, at exploiting their victims’ compassion, while they destroy their victims’ boundaries, self-confidence, and identity. However, one day a victim wakes up, begins to understand what has been happening, and at that pivotal point he (or she) decides that he has had enough and will tolerate no more. It begins with a realization, a shift in thinking, a decision, and a step as the victim begins to say, “ENOUGH; NO MORE.” He begins transformation from a confused victim to a survivor who encourages and helps other victims, from a tin dog into a warrior–becoming a Maccabee who courageously stands against evil.
I’ve shared portions of my story before. I was raised–both in the family and in the church–without a real understanding of boundaries. I was taught to be loyal to family/church, to be respectful of others, to be unconditionally loving and forgiving no matter what a person did, to not confront. When I KNEW that an action was right or wrong, I could/would stand firm, but I could be manipulated if I was unsure. Most of these characteristics aren’t bad…so what’s wrong with them? Just as fire can be used for good purposes or bad–to warm a person and cook a meal or to destroy homes–abusive people twist these things to gain control. So “loyalty to family” can be twisted into a group pressure to conform to the demands of the group and into a dysfunctional “code of silence” that hides and defends abuse. “Unconditional love and forgiveness” without requiring a change of behavior can be twisted into a refusal to confront evil, which empowers the unrepentant abuser. And so on.
My eyes began to be opened when I resisted my Mom’s attempt to seize control of my marriage, which I felt was wrong. Still, for most of our marriage, EJ and I tried to reconcile with my family–until it finally became clear to us that my family wasn’t interested in reconciliation. They wanted abusive power and control. At that point, we chose to stop being the tin dog and we began to resist evil, which abusers often disguise as love. We chose to have No Contact with my family.
Slightly off topic, but still relating to it: Just today I ran across an article at Facebook about a woman who forgave the drunk driver who almost killed her. I didn’t read the article because I’ve read many such articles in the past and usually know how they continue. This article could be different, but I doubted it. “Forgiveness” in such stories usually means that there is no attempt to confront an offender, to hold him accountable, or to bring him to justice. If the drunk driver is “forgiven” without any consequences for his actions he is free to continue driving while drunk and somewhere, sometime, he will likely not merely “almost kill” another person. So how is it loving to “forgive” a drunk driver for almost killing you and thereby setting him free to perhaps kill someone else? EJ told me he had once worked with a guy who stated that he was heading into 90 days in jail for drunk driving. This was his TWELVETH arrest. Drunk drivers, like many others with addictions, tend to not just stop. Likewise, “Unconditionally forgiving” a molester might sound loving but it allows the molester the freedom to go on to harm others, and provides no justice for the victims whose lives are forever affected by his actions. These days people seem to view repentance and justice as negative, hateful, revengeful–and it can be twisted to be so–but they actually protect the innocent by preventing evil from continuing to do harm. It’s part of “resisting evil.”
Anyway….EJ and I have always deeply respected the rights and boundaries of others, but we have not understood that we also have the right to have our rights and boundaries respected. Setting healthy boundaries is one way that we can oppose evil. When we oppose evil in small ways–by saying “no”–we strengthen ourselves to oppose evil in “bigger” ways. We move from being tin dogs to being warriors and in doing so, we become the defenders and protectors of others. If we let evil in, the innocent, our loved ones, can be hurt.
Some of the abuse sites recommend writing a personal list of “rights” or boundaries. I thought I’d write a list of the boundaries we have set in place for ourselves. These are healthy boundaries based on mutual respect that allow relationships to thrive. A boundary is not a punishment but it defines where “you” end and “I” begin and enables people to live together in peace. A counselor once told us that a healthy person is willing to accept and respect others’ boundaries while a toxic person will become angered by them.
When we moved north, we decided that we would no longer be tin dogs who tolerate abusive behavior. Here are the boundaries we are setting in place:
- We respect the freedom, right, and authority, of people to make decisions for themselves and their own families whether or not we agree with them. We expect the same. We do NOT give anyone the freedom, right, or authority to make decisions for OUR family. We do not operate our family by committee. Our decisions for our family aren’t open to debate and second-guessing. Others are not part of our decision-making process and do not have veto power. They are responsible for THEIR own families, not for ours.
- We might sometimes explain our reasons for decisions we make, but we are not obligated to do so. We don’t have to explain, justify, or defend our choices and decisions to anyone. Neither do we need approval or permission from others.
- We have a right to our own beliefs, opinions, preferences, traditions, choices, and decisions. We do not expect everyone to agree with them but we do insist on our right to have/do them.
- We will NEVER submit to any pressure that violates our beliefs, principles, values, or decisions. We will not submit to a “group-think” or “mob” mentality that “punishes” us for not obeying the group.
- We will never tolerate any abuse of any kind, including insults, belittling, and so on.
- Although we have deep love and commitment to people we care about, we refuse to engage in “blind loyalty.” Our loyalty is to God and we pursue His ways. He and His ways will always supersede all other loyalties, including family.
- Unacceptable behavior is unacceptable whether done by a stranger, friend, or relative. We will never stand with anyone, no matter who it is, who engages in evil, abusive, and/or predatory behavior.
- We have the right to choose who we will allow into our lives. In particular, no toxic, unsafe, or abusive person will remain in our lives. Period.
- We have the right to keep our family safe from anyone that we considered to be unsafe, toxic, abusive.
- We consider those who choose to support, defend, justify, or excuse an abusive person to be an ally of the abuser and to share in his guilt.
The Worst Is Yet To Come…
Early this morning it began to snow, and snow, and snow. And the wind began to blow, blow, blow. The wind swirled the snow around like snow-nadoes. We are under a Winter Storm Warning through Thursday…with more snow on the way for the weekend.
Danny and I walked down to the mailbox for the mail about 1 p.m. I could barely see where the driveway was.
When Danny and I got back to the house, I warmed up for a bit before headed out to snowblow the driveway. I waited until early afternoon–about 1:30 p.m.–because I didn’t want more snow to accumulate before EJ got home from work and make it difficult for him to time getting up the driveway.
It took me several hours to snowblow the driveway. I did the bottom part near the road and then JJ took a turn but he had to quit because ever since he had cancer, he gets winded very quickly. Chemotherapy can damage the lungs. So I took over snowblowing again. I finished up at 3:45 p.m. I was tired and cold when I finally put the snowblower in the garage. I was glad to come inside to warm up.
I was going to head out to take care of the ducks and chickens for the night when I glance out the window and saw that we had beautiful guests at our birdfeeders: three deer. One was very small and had a cute snow-covered face. When I later showed EJ my photos, he remarked that the littlest one was a baby–the smallest deer he’s ever seen that didn’t have fawn spots.
When EJ got home from work, he said that about 4 miles from home it began snowing so hard that he couldn’t really see at all, so hard that he was surprised we weren’t getting thundersnow. Our area tends to get the heaviest lake effect snow. He said he couldn’t even tell that I had snowblowed the driveway. Bummer.
The National Weather Service shared at Facebook that the heaviest snow will fall tonight through Thursday–so despite all the snow we got today, it’s going to get worse. I’m wondering if EJ will even be able to get out of the driveway tomorrow!
I still love winter in Northern Michigan. It’s very beautiful.
What We Did During The Holidays
HAPPY 2017!!
I’m a bit late in wishing you a Happy New Year, but my wishes are heartfelt. I hope your holidays were awesome and that this year is one of joy and blessing for you.
EJ returned to work this Monday after enjoying a week off. We had a very enjoyable and satisfying week.
We really enjoyed lighting the candles each night for Hanukkah. They are so beautiful.
Because of freezing rain, we didn’t go to the theater on Christmas day to see Rogue One, the latest Star Wars movie, as originally planned but we did finally get there a couple of days after Christmas–on Tuesday afternoon (December 27). We were surprised that the popcorn was free that day, which was a gift. I didn’t know anything about the movie until we watched it. JJ told me that some people didn’t enjoy it because it was a bit sad, but we felt that the sad parts were a necessary part of the movie that added realism to the story. As JJ declared, he hates “plot armor” in which nothing bad ever happens to the main characters. We loved the movie–much better than last year’s The Force Awakens, which was too much of a copy of A New Hope, the original Star Wars movie.
Sometimes when EJ has a vacation, we enjoy going off on fun adventures, but other than going to the Star Wars movie, we preferred this time to stay home and get projects done. EJ got a lot done. He said he crossed off at least 20 tasks from his To-Do list. I’m not sure of everything he did, but I know he worked on the Xterra, he put in a small window in the chicken/duck coop, he put up an additional shelf in our entrance hallway, he worked some more on organizing his garage–there is still a lot to do, but I noticed great improvement. Late last summer he had had to tear open a wall in our master bedroom to repair a leak in the master bathroom shower. Over the months, in between other tasks, he tiled the shower, and then had to put up new wallboard. Last week he finished mudding the drywall and then Sunday he painted the bedroom wall. Yay!
EJ also gave us all haircuts. His method of cutting my hair is a bit unorthodox, but I love the way it turns out. This time he tried to cut it so that it curled inward. He said he might not try it again because the strands of my hair are so fine that he had trouble with it. All the time he was cutting my hair he muttered, “Your hair is so fine. I have never seen anyone with hair as fine with yours. I can’t believe how fine your hair is….”
The brakes on the Suburban were going bad so we took it in to get fixed on Friday morning. I had to drive the Xterra to the auto repair place so we could drop off the Sub and return home–and after the repairs were finished EJ drove the Sub home while I drove the Xterra. I hate going down our long, steep driveway in the winter because I’m afraid of sliding into the snow and getting stuck. Worse, since Christmas day we’ve had days of warm temperatures alternating with days of cooler temps. The warm temperatures melted some of the snow and the cooler temperatures froze the puddles into ice, making our driveway quite slippery. I always pray a “Please don’t let me slide and get stuck” prayer whenever I drive on the driveway. The driveway is not fun to drive on, but it is tons of fun to sled down. I sled down it whenever I go get the mail.
I had hoped to get the kitchen painted last week, but my back ached and I didn’t sleep well so I felt very tired and unmotivated all week. I mostly just did my regular tasks. Downstate JJ had a single bed, but we set up EJ’s great-grandmother’s bed for him when we moved up here and we stored his single mattress in our pantry/storage. After one particularly back-aching night, we remembered the single mattress and set it on top of our queen-sized box-springs. We sleep better–but only one of us can sleep on it at a time. Last week I slept on the mattress while EJ slept on the floor but since he has to work this week and his back is hurting, this week he is sleeping on the mattress and I’m sleeping on the couch. I am so counting the days for our new mattress to arrive.
My friend had bought me a beautiful map of Michigan puzzle for my birthday in October but I didn’t want to begin it until after the new windows were installed. My puzzle table is near the windows and I didn’t want to risk the pieces getting lost or ruined while the windows were being put in. I didn’t expect it to take as long to install the windows as it did. During our vacation, I finally started working on my puzzle. I don’t think I have ever enjoyed a puzzle as much as this one. It is filled with locations that I am familiar with and enjoy. I love it! This is a puzzle I will never part with.
Yesterday I went with JJ to the college so he could buy his books. Only he found out that the college isn’t open until today. I did suggest that he call before we went. Oh, well. He was hungry for Chinese food anyway and I needed to stop at the farm store, so the trip wasn’t wasted–and we did have fun.
Last night EJ decided to move the pretty gas/propane fireplace, which had been in our bedroom unhooked up, into the living room where the secretary desk was. EJ plans to hook up the fireplace to the propane so if the power goes out, all we have to do is turn the fireplace on. We moved the secretary desk into our bedroom where the fireplace had been. When I was in high school, I bought the dilapidated secretary desk at a yard sale. It was such a mess that everyone who saw it said it wasn’t worth the $5 I paid for it and they recommended throwing it out or burning it. I refinished it instead and it became a beautiful keepsake. When I married EJ, he said that he “always wanted a secretary” so he named it “Ms. Pennyweather.” Ha ha. The name stuck and we always refer to the secretary as Ms. Pennyweather.
Today I have been happily getting out more of my photos and arranging them on the fireplace, dresser, walls, and Ms. Pennyweather. I was preparing to hang a photo on our bedroom wall when I happened to glance out of the window and spotted a rooster sitting on the gate dividing the chicken pen from the duck pen. I quickly got on my coat and boots and ran outside to shoo him off the gate. Only instead of going back into his pen, the rooster flew up onto the roof of the shed. From there he could easily jump onto the roof of the house. I got him off the shed by standing on a lawn chair and throwing snowballs at him. I never hit him hard, but he wasn’t impressed and swore loudly at me while he flew off the roof into his pen. The escapee was Bat-roo, which I thought was appropriate since Batman always seems to enjoy high places. The chickens and ducks keep my life interesting.
After I got Bat-roo off the roof, I dragged one of the 10′ x 10′ panels of the dog cage into the pen and set it up as the dividing fence/gate. I dismantled the other shorter gate. Hopefully the taller fencing will discourage the chickens from flying to the top. EJ will need to fix the dog panel more permanently so I can swing it open to get from one side to the other.
We have a winter storm warning out for the next few days. Starting early tomorrow morning, forecasters predict total snow accumulations of 6 to 12 inches with locally higher amounts possible. Gusty winds will lead to blowing snow with significant reductions in visibility at times. Fun. After an enjoyable reprieve, it looks like I will be back to snowblowing our driveway.
When the Trees Get Angry
I hope all of you had a wonderful Christmas and Hanukkah!
Because of the ice storm that was forecasted to hit yesterday, we decided to stay home on Christmas/Hanukkah. We probably could have gone to the matinée showing of the newest Star Wars movie because the storm wasn’t suppose to hit until later in the day, but we didn’t want to risk getting caught in bad weather. We had a wonderfully quiet day at home. We actually got a lot done. While EJ puttered in his garage, I did a bunch of my regular chores and then together we shoveled the straw out of the garage where the chickens and ducks had been and dismantled their cage. EJ now has his whole garage back. EJ and JJ also worked on the Buggy which had muffler problems. Later I made popcorn and we watched the movie A Christmas Story. We loved it.
During last night it rained, thundered, and iced. I was somewhat aware of the storm but I didn’t fully wake. EJ got up and unplugged our computers and stuff. JJ slept in total unawareness of the storm.
Everything was frozen this morning but the temperatures quickly warmed up–going as high as 50+ degrees. We heard that the temps were going to abruptly drop about mid-afternoon and we didn’t want to risk getting caught out on icy roads so EJ and I decided that it would be best to stay home even though we had errands to run. I wasn’t sure that we even would make it down the driveway if it was icy. We enjoyed a leisurely morning of drinking coffee and enjoying the wild birds flittering outside the window. I looked out the window at one point and saw three squirrels eating the seeds that had fallen from the birdfeeders. The squirrels were three different colors: red, black, and gray.
I also noticed that the warm temperatures had killed all my snow Daleks. But that’s ok because every year the BBC has a Doctor Who Christmas Special in which the world faces an overwhelming alien enemy–like the Daleks–who seeks to destroy the earth. And every Christmas the Doctor and his companions defeat the alien enemy. So even though I wished they could have lasted longer, building Daleks at Christmas and then having them destroyed is totally appropriate.
When I went out to check on my ducks and chickens later this morning, I noticed how very warm it was and observed that the snow was all punky so we decided on a quick trip to the Emerald City. If we were fast, we could make it home again before everything froze up.
Before we left, I called Sears. Ever since we moved here, our mattress has grown increasingly more uncomfortable until it became absolutely torturous. We surmised that either our bed or our mattress had been affected by the move up here. Over the last year, we have problem-solved and tweaked, starting with the most minor and least expensive possibility and then trying different and more extreme measures. First we bought new box springs. We had to leave the other one at the old house because it wouldn’t fit down the stairs. Then we bought a foam topper. Then EJ built a platform. Our tweaking sometimes seemed to help for a bit, but not enough and not permanently. Christmas eve we dragged the mattress out to the living room and slept on it. We felt that if we slept well on just the mattress, we would know the problem was the bed. We didn’t sleep well and woke up in agony so we finally concluded that the problem was definitely the mattress. We really didn’t want to have to spend more money right now, but we can’t continue enduring little sleep and aching bodies so we figure a new mattress is an absolutely necessity. We would have gone to get the new mattress today so we could sleep on it tonight, but Sears said they don’t keep any in stock and that we must order one. So I ordered a mattress and it will be delivered on January 12th. Meanwhile, I am sleeping on the couch and EJ slept last night in his chair.
We crossed “going to Sears to buy a mattress” off our list. Next we drove into the Emerald City. We totally enjoyed the beautiful drive. The water of the bay was a beautiful emerald green.
Our first stop was at the college bookstore so JJ could buy his books for next semester. However, the college is completely shut down this week, so he will have to buy them next week.
We stopped at Joann Fabrics because I needed to buy a few skeins of yarn. They were having terrific sales so I was able to buy four instead of one. Yay! Next we went to EJ’s company so we could throw the terrible awful no good torture device of a mattress in the dumpster. One of the perks of working at this company is that employees can dump their trash, etc., in the dumpster for free. Yay! Our last stop was at a store where EJ used the gift card that JJ had given him for Christmas/Hanukkah. I spent mine for books at Amazon. Every day when I walk down the driveway for the mail, I stop to see if they have magically appeared in the Magic Box.
We made it home long before the temperature dropped and the roads froze. As we drove up the driveway, we encountered a small flock of turkeys walking up the driveway. We didn’t want to scare or injure them so EJ slowly drove behind them…while I videoed them. We really enjoy the turkeys.
EJ went out to putter in his garage and JJ went to his computer while I fixed supper. I made steak, latkes (in honor of Hanukkah), and french style green beans. After we ate, I went to settle the chickens and ducks in for the night.
That’s when I noticed how strong the wind was blowing. I could hear it moaning around the house “WHOOOooooooo!” It swayed the trees from side to side so that they looked like angry Ents marching to Isengard. EJ said his garage creaked like an old sailing ship. Every now and then we heard the crack and crash of a tree crashing to the ground. One fell right across the big rocks in our front yard. Fortunately, it missed the house. It even missed the bird feeders. EJ and JJ parked the Buggy at the bottom of the driveway safely away from large trees and so we can get out if a tree falls across the driveway.
We can’t see anything outside the windows now that it is dark so not long ago EJ and I took our flashlights and walked around the house to see if we could see any fallen trees. None were visible in our yard, but I’m sure there are some in the forest. The stars were out, crisp and clear, wind howled and moaned and tore at our coats, the trees swayed and creaked. It was wildly exciting, but I’ll be glad when the wind stops. To be honest, it’s a little bit scary to live in a forest when the wind howls and the trees get angry.
A Dalek Holiday
This year Christmas and Hanukkah occur at the same time. We wish you all a Merry Christmas or a Happy Hanukkah, filled with love and laughter!
EJ is off work for the holidays until after the new year. JJ had to work until 6 p.m. today and then he doesn’t have to go to work until Thursday.
This afternoon I built a lot of Dalek snowmen because, you know, it’s Christmas time. Daleks are one of the nasty aliens in Doctor Who. Last year I had built one Dalek but this year I built seven of them to surprise JJ went he came home from work. To build the Daleks, I used a garage can, a large mixing bowl, and a cupcake pan for molds. I had only one small toilet plunger (used for stopped up sinks, not toilets) so I used a variety of kitchen utensils for the “hands.”
Since JJ was coming home after dark, I inserted a flashlight in the “eyestalk” that sicks out from the “head.” Then EJ thought of putting flashlights on the other Daleks. We had enough for all but one.
When it was time for JJ to arrive home, we turned on the flashlights, turned off all the lights in the house, and waited in the dark on the front porch. We watched JJ drive up the driveway, slow down as he neared the Daleks, and then completely stop in front of the Daleks. He sat there for quite some time. We saw the flash of the camera on his phone as he took photos. He said it was awesome to drive up and see them! It was a hoot for us to watch him.
We celebrate Hanukkah, so after we all came into the house laughing about the Daleks, we said the blessings and lit the candles on the menorah (called a Hanukkiah). Then we played the dreidel game with Hershey Kisses and Hugs. Afterwards I made yummy latkes with homemade applesauce.
Tomorrow we had planned to go to the theater to watch the latest Star Wars movie, but meteorologists are forecasting an ice storm so we decided we’d stay safely at home. Hopefully we won’t lose our power, but at least we have a propane heater so we won’t freeze or anything. I’m glad my guys don’t have to go to work!
The Midnight Journey to the Magic Box
My supply of pillow forms was getting low, so I recently ordered more. A pillow form is an uncovered or plainly decorated pillow that is used in home decor and crafts projects. I use pillow forms to make the decorative pillows, such as the one below, that I sell at my Etsy store.
My order was supposed to arrive yesterday via UPS. I suddenly realized late last night that no UPS truck had driven up my driveway to deliver my package so I checked my emails and found a notification that my package had been delivered. I got on my coat, hat, boots, and mittens and went out into the dark frigid night to look for it. I did not find it on or near our porch. So I came back inside and went to the UPS website and talked to one of their people through Live Chat. The UPS “agent” said that the package had been delivered to our “UPS Box.” Huh?
The only “box” we have is at the very bottom of our long, long driveway. The previous owner of our house used to put his trash in to keep it safe from bears until it was time to put the trash near the road for pickup. The box is sturdy, empty and, after all these years, not smelly or nasty. It’s actually a good place to put packages if UPS or FEDEX couldn’t make it up our driveway in the winter. In fact, when we first moved here I thought that was the purpose of the box. I called it the “Magic Box” because I expected to find packages there. Only I never did.
The Magic Box was the only “UPS Box” I could think of where the package could have been left. Only…the box was covered in about two feet of snow and I didn’t think the UPS man would have taken the time to shovel a path to the Box and clear the snow off the lid. I had meant to do it, but by the time I finished snowblowing the driveway, I was always too tired and cold.
I didn’t like the idea of walking down the long, steep driveway through the brutal cold in the dark night, but I thought I had better go check to see if the package was there. The box can be seen from the road and we were expecting 50 mph winds so I couldn’t risk the pillows being stolen or blown away overnight. I didn’t want to go alone so I asked JJ if he wanted to go on a Midnight Journey to the Magic Box with me. He agreed. We put on our warm coats, hats, mittens, and boots, and took along flashlights to light our path.
We found my package tossed on the top of the snow-covered Magic Box. I wasn’t happy about that–not in the least. I muttered a little as JJ carried the package up the driveway for me. He had worn his Santa hat, which he bought last year to wear at work during the Christmas season. He looked so Santa Clause-ish carrying my package that I asked him to lend me his smart phone so I could take a photo of him. I hadn’t thought to bring along my camera.
Although I good-naturedly muttered about my package being left in the snow, the delivery men had suggested leaving our packages in the Magic Box several times–both last year and this year–but they had never left any there. They always brought then up to the house. I didn’t realize that the UPS man had actually told EJ a few weeks ago that he was absolutely not going to drive up our driveway during the winter. If I had known that, I would have made sure to clear off the Magic Box, tired or not.
Our driveway is so steep and long that it becomes the topic of conversation whenever anyone comes to our house. Everyone mentions how steep it is and how terrible it must be to drive on during the winter. Although I love sledding down the hill, I’m actually quite anxious about trying to drive up/down it in the winter months. When EJ or JJ go anywhere, I pray that they won’t get stuck. When I ride with EJ and JJ, I keep my eyes closed so I don’t have to see if we start sliding towards the ditch. So I can’t really blame the delivery men for not wanting to risk driving on the driveway in their big delivery van. I’m not particularly overjoyed that the package was left in the snow, even so. But at least I was able to safely retrieve it.
This morning I sledded down the hill with a shovel to the Magic Box. I shoveled a path to it and then I shoveled off the top so that the lid could be easily lifted. EJ and I have discussed whether the Magic Box is “ours” and perhaps moving it eventually so it can’t be seen from the road.
Eleven Days
We have had eleven days of snow. Most days we got a few inches of snow. Some days we got more.
Yesterday afternoon the weather cleared and we actually had a bit of blue skies and sunshine. It’s been so long since we’ve seen the sun that it actually hurt my eyes. Ok, maybe not…but almost.
It’s been very cold because of a north wind blowing arctic cold into our region. The clear skies caused the temps to plummet even lower. EJ said that when he got up this morning it was 9 degrees. The wind chills make it feel even colder. More arctic cold is headed our way, along with 50 mph winds and more snow. Brrrrr.
We have to keep the driveway cleared so the snow doesn’t build up. It’s a lot easier to snowblow a couple inches of snow than it is to snowblow a foot or more. Plus, accumulations of snow on the driveway increase our likelihood of getting stuck. I have been doing most of the snowblowing. It’s actually sort of fun but it’s also very exhausting. Last Saturday we decided to take a break and rest (it was, after all, Shabbat) since we had only gotten a couple inches of snow. However, when JJ left for work he got stuck at the end of the driveway where the snow from the county snowplows had piled up. EJ drove JJ to work in the Suburban and then began to work on getting the Xterra unstuck. Our neighbor on the hill across the road came over and pulled him out with his tractor and then plowed away the snow at the end of the driveway. This was the first time we (meaning EJ) had met this neighbor. They had a nice chat. The guy also has chickens. Apparently, he hopes to give us some stuff for our chickens before he goes off to Florida for several months.
After EJ got the Xterra up the driveway and parked in its spot in front of the garage, I snowblowed the rest of the driveway. As I’ve said, we can’t let the snow pile up. EJ took the time to put another vent in the shed coop so the moisture doesn’t build up inside and make the birds sick. So much for a restful Shabbat.
Today JJ took a turn at clearing the driveway. I was glad for his help because it was COLD.
Despite the challenges, I still like living in the North.
Yesterday evening at about dusk, Danny wanted to go outside to “do his business.” While I was waiting for him, I heard a loud “flappity flap.” I looked up and saw a large bird landing high in a tree behind the house. It was a turkey. Living in town all my life, my only encounters with turkeys were seeing them in fields as we drove through the countryside. I didn’t know all that much about them and thought very little about them. I didn’t realize until we moved to our enchanted forest that turkeys can fly and that they roost in trees. I–and EJ–thought they roosted in the lower branches of trees. I didn’t realize that they flew high up into the trees until I saw them in the tree tops a couple of days ago. Amazing.
The turkey was still in the tree this morning. I took one photo and was hoping to take more–and a video–but my camera turned itself off because its battery was low. Bummer! However, I’m going to make sure I look at the trees at dusk and in the early mornings to see if I can spot turkeys roosting…or other interesting critters in the tree tops.
The first birds that arrived at our feeders when I put them out a couple of weeks ago were chickadees and nuthatches. Then the various woodpeckers arrived. In the last day or two gold finches and blue jays have appeared. Blue jays, cardinals, and sparrows were extremely common at our house downstate, but up here I don’t see many blue jays, I’ve only seen a couple cardinals–last winter–and so far I haven’t seen any sparrows at my feeders.
I wasn’t able to get a photo of the blue jays, but here are some of the gold finches. My new camera allows me to get more detail when I zoom in. If you click on the photos to enlarge them, you can see seeds in the birds’ beaks.
This morning I noticed a bunch of deer tracks all over the yard. Some were right up to the house–as if the deer came up to peek in the windows. I thought that was cool.
Let It Snow….
I sort of woke at 5 a.m. this morning and then Danny wanted me to take him outside. He is the most considerate dog I’ve ever encountered. He waits until he knows I’m awake before he asks to go out. He also waits until he believes I’m not busy. The amazing thing is that I can be working in the kitchen and he doesn’t ask to go out until he sees me sit down. However, if I’m sitting on the couch doing something, he will wait until I get up before asking to go out. So it’s not just me always sitting down or me always standing up that alerts him that I’m not busy. He can somehow figure it out. He’s amazing.
Although I wasn’t thrilled about going outside so early, I didn’t mind taking Danny out today. He’s really struggled with constipation this week, poor dog. I was beginning to get concerned about him and was wondering if I should take him to the vet, but several people–and the Internet–said that giving him pumpkin can help him. So I gave him some pumpkin and that did the trick. I think he must have eaten something he shouldn’t have. Or else he “held it” because with the deep snow, he couldn’t get to his regular pooping place. He always goes in the same area. I didn’t teach him to do this, he just decided to choose his “bathroom area.”
Once it grew light outside, I tended to the ducks and chickens. When the outside temperature had warmed to 15 degrees, I went out and snowblowed the driveway. We are expecting 11 to 15+ more inches of snow this weekend, so I wanted to clear the driveway before the additional snow fell. By the time I finished, I was cold to the bones and very tired. It took me a long, long time to get warm again.
I spent a few hours today working on two sunflower pillows someone ordered from my Etsy. I think these pillows are very pretty.
A flock of 25 turkeys showed up this afternoon to eat the seeds that had fallen from the bird feeders. They stayed for several hours. I think they might have been eating as much as they could before the storm arrived. It’s always fun watching the turkeys. I took lots of photos and videos. I think that I probably take too many, but I find the birds/wildlife interesting and amazing and I can’t help myself.
As JJ was getting ready to leave for work, the turkeys hunkered down behind his Buggy. JJ asked, “What am I supposed to do?” I said, “Well, I supposed your company won’t be impressed if you tell them you can’t make it to work because of turkeys.” I took a video of JJ leaving for work and all the turkeys running down the driveway.
JJ told me later that he followed the turkeys all the way down the driveway. After a while, they came back up the driveway again. As they came up the driveway, I saw two crows in a tree on the top of the hill. I didn’t really pay much attention to them because we have lots of crows around here. But then one of the “crows” flew down and joined the turkeys and I realized that it wasn’t a crow at all. I quickly took a picture of the other turkey in the tree. I knew that turkeys fly and that they roost in trees, but I though they kept to the lower branches. I didn’t realize they flew so high.
We were getting low on groceries so when EJ got home from work, we had a quick bite to eat and them went to the store (where JJ works) to stock up on groceries before the newest storm hits. We figured we might as well get them before the weather gets nasty. Now we can sing “Let it snow, let is snow, let is snow…” while we hunker down safe and warm. Well, except for JJ, who has to go to work. At least he doesn’t have far to go.
I Love To Go A Gardening 