I Love To Go A Gardening
Growing Our Life in Northern Michigan
Egg-citing!
This weekend our county had their yearly get rid of old tires for free day so we loaded up the Suburban and drove to the recycling center. First, we looked up the location on Google Maps because we had never been there before. On the way to the recycling center, we found the police complex and an airport that we didn’t know was there. So it really was a journey of discovery.
We knew we had found the recycling center when we saw a mile-long line of pickups, vans, and cars with trailers all loaded with tires. We got in line. The line moved slowly, but EJ and I agreed that Northern Michigan is so beautiful that we really don’t mind being caught in traffic. We rolled down our window and inhaled the fragrance of the pine forest that we were slowly passing. Finally, we dumped our tires off and drove away.
EJ always takes us on roads less traveled. He meandered down a road we had never been on before. It became practically a two-track path through forests. If we had met a car going the opposite way, we wouldn’t have been able to pass each other. “Do you know where we are?” “No,” he replied. But that never worries me because he always is able to find his way, unlike me, who can get lost finding the bathroom in a theater.
EJ did eventually get us back on familiar roads and we ate at our favorite restaurant overlooking the Bay, and then we went to Goodwill. We love thrift shops because we never know what we will find. It’s like treasure hunting. And we pay very little for the treasure.
This trip, we found a beautiful new-looking couch, which was awesome because we really needed a new couch. We never buy NEW furniture because we have so many pets that we’d freak out every time they sat, scratched, or barfed on it. Buying used furniture keeps us calm. If we wear out one and we merely buy another. Anyway, we were looking for a new used couch because our old couch and loveseat were shabby and they had become tortuously uncomfortable after we moved last year. We kind of wonder if they got damaged during the move but we weren’t sure where to find a furniture thrift shop in our new area. So it was serendipitous to walk into Goodwill and find a beautiful couch–for only $50!–that is extremely comfortable and matches the colors in our living room better than the old couch and loveseat did. Although the old ones matched our curtains better. Now the curtains don’t match anything except our rocking chair.
When we got home, we dragged out the old couch and loveseat and pushed them in the Suburban to be taken to the recycling center. Too bad that the recycling center closes each day before EJ gets out of work. He will have to drive around all week with the couch and love seat in the Suburban until we can drop them off at the center next weekend. With the old couch and loveseat out of the house, we carried in the new couch and then had to rearrange all the living room furniture, which was fun. EJ now has his lazy-boy positioned so that he has a much better view out the windows. My view from the couch, where I usually sit, is slightly less good than it was, but still good enough–and much better than EJ’s view had been in his old spot. I’m glad he can enjoy a good view now!
EJ also found a cool picture/shelf/hooks for our kitchen. We were looking for some sort of artwork for the wall. We didn’t know exactly what we wanted but we knew we would know when we found it. It really looks good on the kitchen wall and it has hooks where we can hang our keys. The rooster is appropriate as well!
Today I was out in the coop taking care of the chickens and ducks. Every day morning I refill their food dispenser and drinking water. I also dump out the water in the ducks kiddie pool and refill it with fresh water. I also shovel out any poop from the garage floor. I was late doing my chores today because I ended up falling back to sleep after I ate breakfast. Anyway, I was filling the duck pool, lost in my thoughts, listening to the chickens cooing and clucking. Their sounds are very interesting because they are so varied. I heard a slightly different sound and thought about what I recently read–that they make 24-26 different sounds. I wondered what the new sound meant. I finished filling the pool and then turned around and there, in the middle of the garage floor, I saw it!
It was so EGG-CITING! If I could, I would frame it. But I can’t, of course.
So now I have to learn more about eggs. I have already read that they aren’t exactly like eggs you buy in the store. I mean, we have roosters, so the eggs could develop into babies. Yuck. So I have to learn how not to let that happen. I have to make sure I check the coop/pen for eggs every day. And I have to learn how to store eggs. I learned that it’s normal to sometimes see things in the eggs, like little bits of blood. It’s to be expected. I have to get used to that. There is a lot more to raising chickens and ducks than I realized, but it’s sort of fun learning.
UPDATE
Oh! I just went out to the coop and found another egg! This is like treasuring hunting! This egg was actually laid in a nesting box instead of in the middle of the garage floor like the first one.
El Galeon
Fifteen tall ships of different nationalities are crossing five Great Lakes (Ontario, Erie, Huron, Superior and Michigan) this summer as part of the Great Lakes Tall Ship Adventure Challenge 2016. They are docking at various USA and Canadian ports.
I love tall ships and I was hoping we’d be able to see some of them. We really wanted to see the Norwegian viking ship, the Draken Harald Harfagre, but that ship sailed past during the week without stopping in Traverse City so we missed it. However, we found out today that El Galeon was docked in Traverse City this weekend, so we went to tour it. I learned that the El Galeon is a 164′ Spanish galleon homeported in Seville, Spain. It is the replica of the 16th century Spanish merchant ship sailed by Pedro Menendez. It has covered more than 35,000 nautical miles between 2010 to 2013 along the world’s largest seas and oceans, visiting ports in four continents and participating in many cultural projects. El Galeon has sailed across the Pacific, Indian and Atlantic oceans, as well as the Mediterranean Sea, the Red Sea, the Southern China Sea, the Aegean Sea, the Bosporus Strait and the Caribbean Sea. So far, visitors have been able to step on her decks in almost fifty ports all over the world. And now it has sailed on the Great Lakes!
I was amazed at how absolutely gorgeous it is and how big it is. I was so thrilled to be able to tour it! I love tall ships! Here is a short video I took of the ship as we walked toward it.
Here are some photos I took of the El Galeon:
Have I told you how much I LOVE living in Northern Michigan? There is so many unique experiences to enjoy!
Lake Michigan Rock Hunting
Today EJ, JJ, and I went hunting for Petoskey Stones along Lake Michigan, which is a very Michiganian thing to do. The Petoskey stone is Michigan’s state stone. They are very beautiful. They can be found on various beaches and inland locations in Michigan, with many of the most popular being those surrounding Petoskey and Charlevoix. It is said that the Petoskey Stone–and the city–was named for the Ottawa Chief Pe-to-se-ga (Rising Sun) because the stones pattern looks like the rays of the sun. When the stone is dry, it resembles ordinary limestone but when it is wet or polished the beautiful pattern of the six-sided coral fossils emerges.
We went to a beautiful beach between Petoskey and Charlevoix. We found a couple of rocks that are probably Petoskey stones, but not as beautiful as some. We also found a variety of pretty rocks, including many that almost resembled a Petoskey stone. We found out later that they are called Charlevoix stones. These rocks are “cousins” to Petoskey stones and were also formed from a once living coral. They can be found in many of the same places that Petoskey stones can be.
We had decided that rather than carry food along with us, we would stop at a grocery store when we were hungry and buy picnic “fixings.” So after spending a few happy hours at the beach, we drove into the city of Petoskey. After we shopped for our picnic, EJ and I went into a nearby Goodwill. EJ wanted to buy swimming trunks and shoes, and I also wanted to buy water shoes because the rocks on the beach hurt my feet. These days I really don’t like wearing shorts, but I bought some capris to wear in the future because even though I rolled up my jeans, they still got wet.
After lunch, we drove to another roadside park between Charlevoix and Petoskey and spent another couple of hours hunting for rocks. I also found some crayfish, which I pointed out to the guys–after I gave a startled scream. We had tons of fun. (You can click on a photo to make it bigger.)
Last year we drove through Charlevoix on a day they were having an old car show. I thought it was funny that today we drove through Charlevoix during their old car show. It wasn’t planned. They had a very unique car, which had two levels. EJ said that it could be driven from inside or on the top level. I thought it looked like a submarine. I took a video as we drove by the old cars.
Critter Encounters
It’s been so hot and humid for several days. When I try to work outside, I immediately feel like I’m melting. There are times I suspect that I might have some snowman DNA in me! I really do not know how people in hotter climates can endure the heat.
I learned from the blogger, Fresh Eggs Daily, how to make frozen treats for my chickens to help them cool off in hot weather. I put a variety of foods that they like–berries, greens, and so forth–into a bowl of water and then freeze it. Apparently the chickens enjoy pecking the treats out of the ice and it helps them cool off at the same time. I’m not sure the ducks enjoy it all that much–but they have their swimming pool to cool off in. And, besides, usually the ducks gobble everything up so quickly that the chickens don’t get much more than a taste, so I’m glad they have more of a chance to enjoy the iced treats.
We’ve had some interesting encounters with wild critters.
Last weekend EJ and I were organizing the garage when a butterfly fluttered in and landed on the wall. EJ paused to admire it and then he waved me over, telling me that he could see its “tongue.” I looked closely and finally saw the butterfly’s tongue. It was curled up, like when a ribbon is curled up with scissors–you know? It was very fascinating.
I hadn’t seen any wild turkeys for several weeks and I wondered where they all were. Then EJ said that he saw a couple adult turkeys with a flock of babies at the bottom of our driveway. He said the babies were the size of Peeper and Cuddles when we first brought them home. Then JJ said he saw them when coming home from work one day. I was a tiny bit envious because I’m usually the last to see critters–if I see them at all. I mean, both EJ and JJ are sure that they saw glimpses of the cougar(s) that were reported to be in the area where we used to live, but I never, ever saw any! For a long time the Michigan Department of Resources denied that there were any cougars in our state, but I think they finally acknowledged their presence. We’ve had several friends who said they saw a cougar. But I never did. I was so disappointed!
So a few days ago I was throwing potato rocks (so-called because they are the size of potatoes) in the wheelbarrow, pushing the wheelbarrow down the hill, and building up my rock dams alongside the driveway in preparation for the storms that were forecast. The heavy rain pushes sand down the sides of the driveway and the sand builds up behind my dams so I have to keep building up the rocks. Grasses and wildflowers are beginning to grow up between the dams and they will eventually help hold the soil in place. Yesterday I dug up some of the many wild ferns that grows on our property and transplanted them to the sides of the driveway. They withered, but I’m hoping they will still take root and spread. The few lilies I transplanted along the driveway earlier this summer are doing well. We also hope to plant lavender plants, wildflower seeds, and other plants.
So the other day I was halfway down the driveway with my wheelbarrow of rocks, building up the rock dams when our cat, Annie, came trotting out of the grass and up the driveway. I didn’t think much of it but then I saw movement at the bottom of our driveway. It was two adult geese guarding a flock of babies. I froze and then hunkered down behind the wheelbarrow, hoping the adults didn’t see me. Of course, they are very alert so the babies quickly went into the long grass to hide. Because I held still, the adults looked around for a long time, indecisive, before they also moved into the grass–but at least I had a glimpse of the babies!
I’ve also been seeing a group of three adult male turkeys hanging around our Enchanted Forest. I’m hoping they stick around and gobble up the thousands of grasshoppers that are here. Whenever I walk through our yard, the grasshoppers pop up like popcorn. Late yesterday afternoon Danny wanted outside so I took him out and I sat in a chair on our small deck while he wandered down to his “pooping place” on the hill on the other side of the driveway. While he was hunched over “doing his business” the three bachelor turkeys crossed the driveway from my side to the side Danny was on. They were about halfway between us. The turkeys were yelling “put-put-put” very loudly. Usually they say it very softly–almost a croon. It’s my guess that the louder they are, the more alarmed they are. Two of the turkeys went over the hill into the forest. The third stood at the edge of the forest in a challenging way, guarding the retreat of the others. I was concerned that Danny would charge after them, which is what he did the first time he saw a turkey soon after we moved here last year. He had neared a nest and the Mama had come rushing out to defend it, and Danny began chasing her, and I yelled at Danny to STOP! Since then, I’ve been careful to either keep Danny inside when I see turkeys in our yard or to call him to come inside before he notices them. This is his first really close encounter since last year so I wasn’t sure what he would do. He just looked at the turkeys, finished his business, and then meandered up the driveway toward me keeping well away from the guard turkey. He’s such a smart dog.
This summer we have noticed that a little chipmunk often comes out to sit on our little deck. I’m not sure why. He just sits there. I don’t think it’s particularly wise of him because Annie likes to stalk the chipmunks. Maybe he’s taunting her? Or proving his bravery to the other chipmunks? Or maybe he just likes to sit there and think about life.
Last night EJ and I were returning from the auto shop where the Buggy is having work done. We didn’t get a whole lot of extra money from the sale of the old house, but we are using it for necessary stuff like maintenance/repairs on the vehicles. We were driving down our road a few miles from home when a long slinky animal galloped across the road! EJ thinks that maybe it was a mink or a weasel! The first time I ever saw one in the wild! Really cool! I’m glad that we shut our ducks and chickens up safely in the garage at night, though.
It’s been so hot and dry here this summer that we have been careful about having fires. JJ bought a bunch of fireworks for Independence Day, but we made him wait to set them off until after we had had some rain. We didn’t want him to set fire to the forest. That would be bad. It finally rained last Friday so he set the fireworks off that evening. It was fun. Then last Saturday night, EJ and I had our first campfire in our back yard. It was so enjoyable! I am fascinated by fire and light and I had fun experimenting with taking photos using different settings. I particularly liked capturing the sparks. I thought they made interesting photos.
We hope to have many more campfires in our Enchanted Forest.
The cats sort of dislike the last food we bought for them, so I wanted to get them some different food from one of the farm stores we go to. We have about three different farm stores that we shop at. JJ needed to get some shorts and he wanted to buy some shirts too so we enjoyed a shopping trip together today. We first stopped at the TSC Farm store to get chicken food and some canned cat food for Tesla, who is getting very old and feeble and having trouble eating the dry stuff. While we were waiting in line to pay for the stuff, the customer ahead of us said he was buying another bird feeder because his last one was destroyed–he thinks maybe by a bear. He mentioned where he lived, which is not far from us. The cashier said that a bear has been spotted at a nearby town in the opposite direction. Yikes! We are surrounded by bears! I hope they are not attracted to the many, many berry bushes growing at the edge of our forest.
After TSC, we stopped at Meijer for JJ’s clothes, and then we stopped at the other family-owned farm store for the dry cat food that the inside cats like. I also bought some Michigan Roadside Mix grass seed. I’m determined to stop the erosion along our driveway. When I asked about the seed, a customer standing nearby said that this seed is really good and grows fast.
On the way home, we stopped at the grocery store JJ works at and we both bought a few things. I bought groceries and JJ bought snacks. Whenever he goes with me to the store, he bags my groceries for me and he jokes and laughs with his co-workers. It’s good to see him fitting so well.
We had a lot of fun together.
The Weekend
After a fun Saturday watching the Blue Angels perform and seeing Piper, the airport dog, we spent the next two days working around home.
On Sunday I mowed our lawn. We mow only the areas around our house and let the rest of our property grow wild so that we can enjoy the wildflowers that grow and also to provide habitat for the wildlife. Even when the little bit that I mow, it still takes me about 2 1/2 hours with our push mower. I was very hot and tired when I finished. But the lawn looked nice!
EJ and I had considered going to watch the fireworks but with all the tourists up for the holidays, we decided against it. EJ and I sat outside watching the stuff EJ was burning in the burning barrel. We could hear the BOOM BOOM BOOM of the fireworks but we couldn’t see anything because the trees blocked our view. Our neighbors were having some sort of party and setting off fireworks and playing loud music and I thought that the holidays aren’t very enjoyable to me anymore. I prefer quiet. Besides, JJ worked late over the holiday weekend and he came home each night with stories about crazy crowds acting stupid. There were a lot of drunks and he said one person drove away with the gas nozzle still in his car…and stuff like that.
People selling fireworks set up their tent in the store parking lot and JJ came home with a lot of fireworks, but it’s so dry up here that we told him that it would be better not to set them off until we get more rain so that he doesn’t set the forest on fire. He did set off a couple–and they really are cool–but he agreed to postpone most of them.
EJ and I spent all day Sunday working in his garage, trying to get things organized. We made a lot of progress. For the most part, EJ will now just need to put things away in the cabinets, toolboxes, and drawers. I laughed because we moved a file cabinet next to the chicken cage in the garage and a little later I saw Peeper, Cuddles, and a few of the chickens examining it and discussing what on earth it could be.
EJ and I both were really tired today. I was able to take it a little easy today, sort of, but poor EJ had to go back to work.
Every now and then a meme will start appearing on my Facebook timeline. Well, there are always memes appearing on my timeline–some I think are true, some are cute, and some are funny. But now and then there are ones that I hate because their messages are so clueless or guilty or ignorant. Usually the first dozen times or so that such a meme appears, I just hide it. But if it keeps popping up, I find myself reaching a point where I end up writing about it. There is such a meme that’s been popping up that has caused me to reach that point. Here it is:
The reason I dislike this meme is that it assumes that every family conflict is due to “bruised adult ego” and “imaginary conflicts.” While that might be true in some cases, it’s not true in many cases, which this meme doesn’t mention.
The truth is that there are many, many people who go “No Contact” with family not because of “bruised egos” and “imaginary conflicts” but because of damaging abuse. It is not easy to decide to have no contact with a relative and victims do not make the decision lightly. It usually happens only after a victim has spent years forgiving intentionally “offensive” behavior and trying to fix the relationship and it often involves a lot of guilt, pain, heartbreak, and anguish.
So let me tell you that while “it’s sad when members of the same family do not talk to each other,” what is even more sad is when a person remains in an abusive situation and/or is pressured to have contact with a relative who is physically, sexually, verbally, or emotionally abusive. Abuse is not imaginary and remaining in contact with an abusive relative does more harm to the victims–including the children–than leaving does. Maybe “cousins would miss the wonderful opportunity to be together” but it’s more important that victims are protected from abusive relatives. Abuse escalates over time and a victim needs to “not wait until it’s too late” to escape.
Whenever a victim is brutally beaten or murdered, people often ask, “Well, why did she stay? Why didn’t she leave?” I often wonder how many victims wanted to leave, tried to leave, but people told them how sad it is when family members don’t talk to each other because of “bruised egos” and “imaginary conflicts.” Not every family is good and not every relative is worth “re-uniting with.” Please stop sharing such guilt-dripping memes that make clueless–and often dangerous–assumptions.
Piper and the Blue Angels
This weekend, besides being the USA’s Independence Day (on July 4th) was also the National Cherry Festival in Traverse City. There are a lot of activities going on, but the one that interested us the most was the air show. EJ works right next to the airport and while he was on his lunch breaks this week, he watched the Blue Angels arrive and then practice every day.
EJ’s description of the Blue Angel’s awesome flying skills make me really want to go see them. However, neither EJ nor I were crazy about fighting the huge crowds. I had read that a million people were in town for the National Cherry Festival. We debated whether to watch the Blue or avoid the crowds and we finally decided to drive to EJ’s company and watch them there and hopefully there wouldn’t be too many people with the same idea. It was a good decision. There was only a small group of people there. We were at “ground zero” of the performance, but we were able to watch the planes take off and land and we got to see quite a bit of the performance. It was awesome.
JJ couldn’t be with us so he asked that I take pictures and videos. Like, duh, he couldn’t have stopped me! I would have taken them away. It was very difficult to see the planes in the small viewfinder of my camera and I sometimes missed the planes. I actually did better at getting them on video than I expected. I’m currently in the process of uploading a longer video, which is taking a long time because it’s 30 minutes long. You can see it on my You Tube page when it’s finished uploading. Here is a short five minute video that I took. The maroon van at the beginning of the video is the K-9 van that Piper rides in.
I was also really thrilled that I got to see Piper, the cool dog who works at the Cherry Capital Airport chasing away wild birds and animals so planes can take off and land safely. He is very stylish and has become an internet star. I always look for him whenever we drive near the airport, but this is the first time I’ve actually been able to see him. EJ laughed that sometimes I ignored the multi-million dollar planes to watch the dog. I told him that, hey, that’s how I am–and now I can cross “seeing Piper” off my bucket list.
We ended our day by stopping in at the grocery store where JJ works. He was working in the deli. With the holiday weekend, it’s been crazy busy and he’s worked a lot of overtime. Usually we wave to him, but when we saw how busy he was, we just continued on our way. We bought Moomer’s Ice Cream, which is the BEST ice cream EVER.
Oh, this even EJ told me that one of his co-workers knows where we live and he says that a bear is known to be only about 3 miles from us. Yikes! Fortunately–or so I’ve read–bears are really shy and will avoid humans unless they find a food source.
The Day After
Sunday night I didn’t sleep well. I ended up driving downstate to finish loading our possessions and then closing on the house, and driving back, and helping to unload the uhaul trailer on only about 3 hours of sleep.
This morning when EJ woke up at 5 a.m. to get ready for work, I got up with him because I had to return the uhaul trailer at 7:30 a.m. As EJ drove up the hill to our house last night, the “Low Fuel” alarm went off and I was concerned that I didn’t have enough gas to make it to the gas station. So I ended up following EJ to a local gas station at 6 a.m. because EJ wanted to make sure I made it there ok and wasn’t stranded along the road. He pumped my gas for me, paid for it, and then he continued on to work while I went home until the uhaul rental place opened.
Last time I had to return the uhaul trailer, EJ positioned the sub/trailer so that I just had to drive down the driveway. I do not know how to back up with a trailer. But it occurred to me just before EJ and I parted ways this morning that he wouldn’t be there this time to position the sub/trailer. I would have to make it up the driveway and somehow turn the sub around so I could make it back down again. In a panic, I asked EJ how I was going to manage it. He told me to just drive in a circle at the top of the driveway and to remember that if I had to back up, I needed to turn the steering wheel in the opposite direction that I wanted the trailer to go. Easey Peasey. Yeah, right. All the way home I tried to think of how on earth I would get the Sub pointed the right way and back down the driveway.
I couldn’t drive the Sub around in a circle at the top of our driveway because the HHR is parked outside and there wasn’t enough room. But I pulled in next to the HHR and backed straight back and then turned so that I was pointing down the hill. Success! Whew! I did try to back up so that I was parked on level ground instead of down an incline, but the trailer went wonky so I said, “Screw it!“ and just left it there, hoping that it would stay and not start rolling down the driveway to crash in a tree at the bottom. It didn’t.
At 7:30 a.m., I got in the Sub and successfully returned the uhaul trailer. We are totally done with uhaul rentals. Yay!
At 9 a.m., I had to drive to our bank to deposit the check from the sale of our house. Yay! All the way to the bank and back, I admired the beautiful scenery. My route takes me along the coast of a beautiful lake and our bank is located on its shore.
When I got back home, I sat down and called the various downstate utility companies connected with our old house to cancel our accounts with them. We had continued to pay the water/sewer, natural gas, and electricity for the old house so that the pipes wouldn’t freeze in the winter and so the realtor could show the house. The realty company had paid off our loan for us with the money from the sale of the house, and I had already canceled our lawn care service. Paying bills down there in addition to up here at the new house really made finances tight this last year. As I called the companies, I found that the new buyer had already switched the accounts to himself, which made it easier for me–I basically just verified that service was stopped for us. It was really enjoyable crossing these companies off my list.
With my tasks finished, I was so tired that I lay down and took a nap.
When I woke up, JJ was up and I fixed us lunch. On the way home from the bank this morning, I had stopped at the grocery store for a couple of items, including a watermelon. Later I served JJ and me watermelon for lunch dessert, but I cut it so there was still watermelon on the rind and JJ and I went out and threw it to the ducks and chickens. I had read that they liked melon. This was the first time they had ever had melon and they didn’t seem to know what to do with it, but later I went out to the pen and saw that the rinds were picked clean so they must have figured it out.
I asked JJ what the grocery store he works at does with melons and stuff that doesn’t sell. I’m thinking about asking them if I can have or buy (at a reduced price) the unsaleable too-ripe melons for the chickens and ducks.
After we fed the ducks, I was tired again so I took another nap. Several minutes after I woke up, while I was preparing supper for EJ, I looked out the window and saw Danny. He had gone outside with us when JJ and I went out to feed melon to the ducks and chickens, and I had forgotten to bring him back in with us. He always likes to be with me, and I left him wandering outside for who-knows-how-long. Poor dog! He was glad to rejoin us in the house!
Because EJ had taken yesterday off from work, he is supposed to work 10 hours each day for the remainder of this week. However, he lasted only an extra hour today because he, also, is exhausted. In fact, he was so exhausted that he said he fell asleep driving home. I fed him a good supper and then encouraged him to go right to bed. It’s taken longer and longer to recover from our trips downstate each week, and yesterday’s trip totally exhausted us. I think we are going to be extra tired for a while until we get rested.
I’m so glad there will be no more long trips and hard work downstate. I’m looking forward to being able to focus entirely on our life up here in the north.
So long, Farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, Goodbye
We got up early this morning and began our drive to the old house downstate at 7 a.m.
We stopped at the Cops & Donuts bakery in Clare to replenish our coffee and, of course, we had to buy donuts. We bought a dozen Bismarks and a Long John for our second breakfast. We ate two each and saved the rest of them to bring home.
At the old house, we loaded up the last of our possessions in the uhaul trailer we had rented. The buyers didn’t want the wood stove so we loaded up that and a few remaining things from the basement and garage.
JJ had planned to go with us on this trip as a last look and goodbye at our old home, but he didn’t feel well so he stayed behind–I kind of wonder if he gets stressed at the thought of going down to the old house. He was never very happy there. We reassured him that it was fine if he didn’t go because he was able to take care of the animals. I had been particularly concerned about Danny not being able to “go” outside all day.
Since JJ didn’t go with us, I took pictures and videos of the old empty house for him to see if he ever wants to. He has never seen the house empty because he hasn’t been back since we moved to our new house last year. Our first week in our new house we had “camped” with just a few necessities. The next weekend, JJ stayed at the new house while his Dad and I went downstate to supervised the Big Move.
When we had gotten the uhaul trailer loaded today, we prayed that the new owner would be happy in the house, and then we changed into the clean clothes that we had brought with us. We get really dirty hauling stuff out of the basement and we didn’t want to show up to the closing covered in dirt. Plus, it was almost 90 degrees today and we were soaked by the time we were finished so it was good to get out of our work clothes and into clean ones. We headed to the realtor’s office in the next town for the closing. It took us only a half hour to sign the papers. I was so relieved to hand over the keys to the new owners. With the transfer of ownership, our last ties to the area were broken.
Then we got into the sub and began our journey home. All along the way, we said goodbyes: “Goodbye old house…Goodbye village…Goodbye nearby towns….Goodbye town where I grew up…Goodbye schools I attended…Goodbye churches we attended, Goodbye stores we shopped at…Goodbye parks we went to…Goodbye abusive family…Goodbye terrible company EJ worked at…Goodbye place where JJ battled cancer…Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye!”
There’s a sad sort of clanging from the clock in the hall
And the bells in the steeple too.
And up in the nursery, an absurd little bird
Is popping up to say, “Cuckoo cuckoo!”
Regretfully they tell us but firmly they compel us
To say goodbye to you.
So long, farewell auf wiedersehen, adieu
Adieu, adieu, to yieu and yieu and yieu…
…So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye
I leave and heave a sigh and say goodbye
I’m glad to go, I cannot tell a lie
I flit, I float, I fleetly flee, I fly
The sun has gone to bed and so must I
So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye…
(from The Sound of Music)
As we said our goodbyes, we reminisced about our lives downstate. There were so many difficult things we had lived through that we are sometimes surprised we survived. We are, however, thankful for the valuable things we learned along the way. We did have some happy times mixed in and there will be a few people that we miss but we aren’t sorry to be leaving it all behind. We really don’t plan to ever go back. .
Once we reached the northern part of the state, we began to say hellos: “Hello beautiful forests! Hello beautiful lakes! Hello cute towns we live near! Hello beautiful valley that we live in! Hello beautiful home! Hello, Hello, Hello!”
As we drove north, the temperature dropped from near 90 downstate to 61 degrees at home. “Ahhhh!” we sighed in relief as we put on sweatshirts. We love it here.
When we got home, JJ helped us unload the trailer so that I can return it tomorrow morning. We are home!
Cops & Donuts
We have been driving downstate every weekend to finish emptying the old house before we sell it. On the days we drive down, we usually get up at 5 a.m. drive for hours, work really hard at the old house, and then drive hours back, empty the vehicle so EJ can drive it to work the next day, and then we fall exhausted into bed and struggle with aches and pains for several days afterward. It takes us longer and longer to recover after each trip.
One week (or was it two?) we drove downstate in the suburban. The next week EJ drove the sub while I drove the Xterra. This last week we drove down in the suburban, picked up a rented uhaul trailer in a nearby city, filled it, and drove back.
On the way down, we were really groggy even after drinking the coffee we had made at home. So we decided to stop at a bakery called Cops and Donuts in Clare, Michigan. (There is an excellent video about the bakery at the Cops and Donuts site.) EJ and JJ had stopped there a few times last year when they were living in the motel and I was still at the old house but this was my first time there. It has a unique history. The original bakery/donut shop had been in constant operation since 1896. It was within weeks of closing when the members of the Clare Police Department came to the rescue. All nine members of the local police department banded together to save the historic business. Cops and Donuts really took off and they now have a total of seven locations. It’s an awesome place and I love that the employee “uniforms” are t-shirts with “Inmate” written on them. We ordered delicious coffee and donuts, took a couple of pictures, and then continued on our way.
I told EJ as we continued on our way that Clare is the furtherest south that I ever want to go. I think that Clare is where “Up North” begins–or ends–depending on which direction a person is heading. Clare is where the scenery changes from mostly fields (to the south) to mostly forest (to the north). Many people agree with me: Clare calls itself “The Gateway to the North.”
We had a lot of very heavy items to load from the basement of the old house, including a heavy, heavy lathe. EJ pulled it up the basement steps while I steadied it. When we were almost finished, our elderly neighbor came home and we ended up talking with her. She just recently lost her husband of 68 years. She brought us pop (which is what we call “soda” here in Michigan) and insisted on helping us load the uhaul. I worried about her carrying things but she stubbornly insisted. I tried to give her lighter items and, fortunately, we were almost finished by the time she decided to help. She also made us sandwiches so we didn’t have to stop anywhere to eat on the way home. Another neighbor also stopped by and he helped load some of EJ’s weights. Then we were off for home.
We got home at about 9:30 p.m. EJ’s back was “on fire” and he had to get up early the next day to go to work, so I insisted that he shower and go to bed. I shut the chickens and ducks up in the garage; it was late enough that they had already settled into their coop inside the garage and I just had to close the big door. It makes me laugh that they put themselves to bed at night when I’m late getting to them. After I had cared for the birdies, I unloaded most of the Suburban so EJ could unhook the uhaul and drive the sub to work the next day. Early the next morning, though, we changed our plans and decided that I would drive EJ to work in the Xterra, then later drop off JJ at work and pick up EJ. That way we didn’t have to unhook the uhaul. I only got slightly lost twice–once after dropping EJ off at work and once when picking him up–but I quickly realized I had gone the wrong way and I was able to turn around and get where I needed to be. During the day I unloaded the uhaul except for the lathe, which I couldn’t even budge.
One of EJ’s previous co-workers from downstate was vacationing in our area with his family, so they stopped to visit on Monday afternoon shortly after EJ got home from work. They have three adorable little girls who were very gentle with Danny and our cats. After they left, EJ got the lathe out of the uhaul and then we tried to return it to the uhaul rental place up here (which was at a lumber yard), but it was already closed for the night. Since we had to return it on Tuesday morning or pay late fees, I had to return the trailer the next morning. I was nervous because I have never pulled a trailer, and I wasn’t sure if it would be easy or hard, and I didn’t know how to unhook the trailer, and I knew that I certainly would be unable to back up while pulling a trailer. But early the next morning I called the lumber yard to let them know I was returning the trailer and asked if there would be someone there to help me. They said yes, so I drove there and a guy unhooked the trailer for me, and it all was easy. Whew!
We close on the house next week. The realtor called with questions from the buyer, such as were we going to remove the old freezer, did it work, etc. I don’t think they really want the freezer, but they are willing to let us leave it there, which is great because it’s heavy, and I don’t know how EJ and I would have been able to get it out of the basement by ourselves, and it wouldn’t fit in the suburban, and we are running out of time, and we really can’t afford to rent another uhaul. The buyer doesn’t want the wood stove so we are going to stop and get it and the bags of trash we filled before we head to the closing.
I will be so, so, so glad when we close on the house because we are so exhausted. I feel as if it is taking more and more sisu to keep going downstate. Yesterday I was so tired that I took a nap when I got back from dropping off the u-haul trailer and then took another nap after lunch, and then went to bed extra early. Just one more trip downstate and we are DONE! Then we are going to REST and just putter around home and enjoy our beautiful Northern Michigan. I can’t wait!
Sticks & Stones
After I wrote my last post about minimizing abuse, I got to thinking a lot of thoughts. I will try to put them into somewhat coherent words although it won’t be easy because they are sometimes more intuitive and abstract than concrete, and sometimes not exactly fully formed, and sometimes I feel them so deeply that I can’t find the words to express them, and sometimes I find them so complicated that putting them into words make them too simplistic. If that makes sense. But I will try because I think it’s important.
I wrote about both Brock Turner’s rape of the unconscious woman and the struggles we have had with my family and now with EJ’s family. In some ways, I understand that they seem not to be related, and it is as if I am comparing a very major form of abuse (rape) with something that is very minor in comparison. And that gets me thinking about the different forms of abuse.
I realize that some forms of abuse seem much more serious than other forms. For example, physical and sexual abuse seems to be much more serious than verbal or emotional abuse. The damage from physical violence must surely be more than mere words, right? And yet if verbal or emotional abuse is so minor than why do so many others feel so damaged by it? And why does the effects of these different forms of abuse all seem to cause similar emotional wounds? On the surface the different forms of abuse seem so different but underneath they seem to be very similar.
When I try to put into words the damage of verbal or emotional abuse, I find myself tripping over my words because it seems as if I am comparing one type of abuse to another, saying one is more damaging and another is less, and I actually think that every form of abuse is damaging. I also think that forms of abuse often overlap so it’s difficult to fully separate one from another. For example, physical abuse is usually accompanied by verbal and emotional abuse, sexual abuse involves physical violence, and so on.
I think that physical, sexual, and even verbal abuse is easier to recognize and understand than emotional abuse, which is more hidden and less obvious although still very damaging. I mean, people can understand that it is abusive to hit, rape, or insult while they often do not recognize or validate emotional abuse. That lack of recognition, understanding, and validation often results in emotional abuse victims being further victimized. Because of this, I will take a moment to describe why emotional abuse is damaging. In doing so, I am in no way comparing or minimizing other forms of abuse but so many people do not recognize emotional abuse that I have to try to put it into words. Just bear with me.
First, verbal and emotional abuse seem very similar, but they are not the same. Verbal abuse is saying terrible things like “You are stupid. You are worthless. You can’t do anything right. You will never amount to anything.” Emotional abuse can involve verbal abuse, of course, but it also is more hidden and subtle which makes it very difficult to recognize or pin down. Emotional abusers are shape-shifters who are very skilled at appearing very sweet, charming, or even spiritual to others while they torture their victims in private. They can use the truth or half truth to tell a lie, they can insult with compliments, they can tear down a person’s self-esteem by pretending it’s all just a joke, they can instill fear by pretending as if they care about their victim’s safety. They manipulate, lie, deceive, gaslight, and guilt…but out of love, just joking. It’s difficult to challenge the abuse when the abuser appears to just be someone who means well and is just trying to do what is best for you.
Emotional abuse is particularly damaging because there are no bones or bruises to prove that it happened. Many people do not see it as abuse because emotional abuse mostly just involves words, and even the old nursery rhyme recognizes that it’s physical abuse that hurts us–not words. Because of this, the victim’s abuse is never recognized or validated. It’s hard even for the victim to recognize this sort of abuse as abusive…at least at first. By the time the victim begins to recognize that, yes, this really is abuse, she has already been very damaged by it.
So this made me begin to ponder if words were really less damaging than “sticks and stones” and if emotional abuse was a less serious form of abuse and, if so, why so many victims are so totally damaged from it. And then I thought that words are actually probably one of the most powerful forces in the universe.
God spoke the heavens and the earth into existence with words. Words create reality. Words can heal or destroy, they can break a heart or mend it, they can strengthen or weaken, they can bring about hope or despair, they can instill courage or fear, they can cause victory or defeat, they can cause the rise or fall of world leaders and of nations, they can bring life or death. Hitler, with his words, inflamed hatred and brought about the death of millions. Churchill gave courage to his people with his words: “We shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be,” he said. “We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender.” The people were strengthened to fight back against the Nazi regime because of those words. The words of the Bible has changed the world and affects all of eternity. The Bible has this to say about words:
The tongue [i.e., words] has power over life and death; those who indulge it must eat its fruit. (Prov. 18:21)
The tongue is a fire, a world of wickedness. The tongue is so placed in our body that it defiles every part of it, setting ablaze the whole of our life; and it is set on fire by Gei-Hinnom itself. For people have tamed and continue to tame all kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and sea creatures; but the tongue no one can tame — it is an unstable and evil thing, full of death-dealing poison! With it we bless Adonai, the Father; and with it we curse people, who were made in the image of God. (James 3:6-9)
And that is why verbal and emotional abuse is so dangerous and damaging: Long after bones and bruises have healed, the words are still within a person causing deep, deep damage. Using “only” words, the abusers create a false reality that strike at the very core of a person’s identity.
I don’t believe there is a “minor” form of abuse. In fact, I believe that abuse of every sort is incredibly damaging because in every form of abuse the real assault is not the bruises and broken bones, which heal after a few weeks. The real assault–in physical, sexual, verbal, or emotional abuse–is against a person’s inner self, her (or his) identity, and this assault damages her sense of value, security, perceptions, ability to trust, faith, world view, and relationships. Abuse is a form of murder–soul murder. In a physical murder, it doesn’t matter what the weapon is–whether it’s martial arts, arrows, bullets, explosions, poison–they all destroy their victim. Dead is dead. The same is true in soul murder. No matter what method is used, the destruction to the person’s inner self is the same.
While outwardly the rape is much more horrendous than EJ’s family’s minimization of their brother’s toxic behavior, in many ways it’s not minor because accepting without challenge the dismissing, excusing, justifying, or minimization of abuse and blaming victims in “small” ways creates a climate in which the minimization of abuse can grow stronger and destroy many others. Although one action is more horrendous than another, the mentality behind it is the same. As C.S. Lewis explained:
One man may be so placed that his anger sheds the blood of thousands, and another so placed that however angry he gets he will only be laughed at. But the little mark on the soul may be much the same in both. Each has done something to himself which, unless he repents, will make it harder for him to keep out of the rage next time he is tempted, and will make the rage worse when he does fall into it. Each of them, if he seriously turns to God, can have that twist in the central man straightened out again: each is, in the long run, doomed if he will not. The bigness or smallness of the thing, seen from the outside, is not what really matters.
In addition, I think that every form of abuse causes ripples that affects many, many others. Brock Turner’s primary victim was the woman he raped, but his action also ripples out to affect everyone touched by it, including family and friends, both hers and his, and widens to include all those who are touched by the situation. It also ripples ahead to affect future generations. Abuse in my family began at least with my grandparents–if not before–and the ripples have affected my Mom and her siblings, and also her children, and her grandchildren, causing pain and wounds and divisions and tearing apart relationships. The same is also true in EJ’s family. It’s probably impossible to trace the original act of abuse or trauma that caused the ripples that affect so many. A “small” ripple in the past may grow into a tsunami of trauma in the future. So I think no abusive act is minor because small abuses, if left unchallenged, ripple into bigger ones.
I’ve read many articles and victim’s comments at websites such as A Cry for Justice, which addresses abuse in the evangelical church. Many in the church who deny, excuse, justify, or minimize abuse actually believe that they are following God. So if a person sincerely believes he is following God does that mean that his actions are not abusive? Hmmm.
Ok, this is complicated and tricky to explain. I think an abusive act is abusive even if a person does it ignorantly because he is still causing damage to others. However, how a person responds when he begins to encounter truth matters and affects the path of his life. For example, the Apostle Paul originally persecuted those who followed Jesus. Acts 8:3 says that he was “ravaging the church, and entering house after house, he dragged off men and women and committed them to prison.” Pause here and imagine the suffering his actions caused. In 1 Timothy 1:13 Paul wrote that “formerly I was a blasphemer, persecutor, and insolent opponent. But I received mercy because I had acted ignorantly in unbelief.” Although what Paul did caused others much suffering, once he encountered the truth, he repented and he received mercy. His whole life change.
However, many in the church are spiritually arrogant. They think they know more truth than others. They refused to hear, they refuse to see, they refuse to learn. I have encountered several such people, some of them church leaders. They are frustrating because they consider themselves to be so spiritually wise that they refuse to be teachable. You can’t tell them anything. They end up suppressing the truth. As Romans 1:22 says, “Claiming to be wise, they became fools…” and 2 Timothy 3:5 says that they have the appearance of godliness, but deny its power. I think these types of people at worst become abusers and at best aid the abusers in oppressing others. I think these people share in the guilt of the abuse.
Ok, here’s a personal story: As a child, I really did not recognize the dysfunctions in my family because I had grown up in it. It was normal. Plus, because I was compliant, my Mom showed me only her “nice” self. When I got engaged to EJ, my Mom tried to establish great control over me. I resisted. At that point, I encountered her very mean self–the self that manipulated, lied, insulted, and smeared my reputation. For a long time I struggled with whether she knew what she was doing or was she just a wounded person who feared losing me. This is a question that most victims of Narcissistic abuse struggle with–do they know what they are doing? Years later I learned that, yes, they do know what they are doing. The abuse is deliberate. But in the early years, I didn’t know and I wept that it didn’t really matter whether my Mom knew what she was doing or not–the damage was still the same. I began to research abuse. One day, I realized that I was a part of the family dynamic and I, also, had caused damage to some of my siblings. Even though I knew that I had done it ignorantly, I had still caused damage. The horror was almost more than I could bear. I believe that what I did at that point is what determined whether or not I was/became an abuser myself. Instead of denying my part in the family abuse, instead of excusing or minimizing it, I repented of my actions. Like Paul, “I received mercy because I had acted ignorantly in unbelief.” My acknowledgement of wrong-doing did not stop the abuse or heal the relationships. However, I began to walk on a different path that led me away from my family’s abuse and toward healing. I think that that is a major difference between an abuser and a non-abuser. An abuser is arrogant, believing he is wiser than others. He deliberately suppresses truth and deceives. He intentionally causes harm. He refuses to acknowledge his own wrongdoings and he refuses to change.
Ok. I hope this mess of thoughts make some sort of sense. They are a bit unformed and tangled.
Minimizers
There is a story I have been recently reading in the news that is breaking my heart. A young woman accompanied her sister to a party. I believe she was reluctant to go, but she was protective of her younger sister so she went along. The next thing she knew, she was waking up in the hospital where she was told that she had been brutally raped behind a dumpster while she was unconscious. (Although it was not stated, I wonder if she had been given a date rape drug.) Two Stanford University graduate students biking across campus spotted and apprehended a 20-year-old freshman “thrusting his body on top of her unconscious body.” The sight was so brutal that the rescuers cried. In March, a California jury found the 20-year-old rapist, Brock Turner, guilty of three counts of sexual assault. Turner faced a maximum of 14 years in state prison but he was sentenced to six months in county jail and probation. The judge said he feared a longer sentence would have a “severe impact” on Turner, a champion swimmer who once aspired to compete in the Olympics — a point repeatedly brought up during the trial.
Many people have been outraged by the light sentence the judge gave for such a brutal rape. And they should be. When a judge gives more mercy and compassion to the unrepentant criminal than to the innocent victim, it is not a beautiful act of grace but rather a perversion and miscarriage of justice. All it teaches the unrepentant wicked is that they got away with their crime. In fact, the wicked often see unconditional love and forgiveness as a weakness that they can exploit. Isaiah 26:10 says:
But when grace is shown to the wicked, they do not learn righteousness; even in a land of uprightness they go on doing evil and do not regard the majesty of the LORD.
God is a merciful, gracious, and just God. Many see justice and mercy as opposites of each other, and they think God is cruel to judge the wicked. However, actually true justice is very merciful…to the innocent, to the oppressed, to the afflicted, to the vulnerable. God cares deeply for the needy and oppressed and He promises that He will deliver them. God gives grace and mercy to the repentant as well but the Bible says that He is angry with the (unrepentant) wicked every day. There is a difference between the unrepentant wicked and the repentant sinner who acknowledges his wrongdoing. Proverbs 17:15 says::
He who justifies the wicked and he who condemns the righteous —
both alike are an abomination to Adonai. (Prov. 17:15)
People are also outraged by a letter that the rapist’s father read at the sentencing defending his son. While it is understandable that the father loves his son, he excused and minimized his son’s actions in the letter, even describing the rape as a mere “20 minutes of action.” In fact, he doesn’t mention the word “rape” at all even though his son was caught in the act. He speaks of the dangers of alcohol consumption and sexual promiscuity–but not everyone who drinks chooses to rape and promiscuity is not rape. Promiscuity is consensual; rape is not. He speaks of breaking the cycle of binge drinking and its unfortunate results without stating that the “unfortunate results” was his son’s decision to rape an innocent woman. He speaks of how this has affected his son, but not about how his son’s raping the woman affected her life. Here is a portion of the letter. You can read the full letter HERE.
I am writing this letter to tell you about my son Brock and the person that I know he is. First of all, let me say that Brock is absolutely devastated by the events of January 17th and 18th 2015. He would do anything to turn back the hands of time and have that night to do over again. In many one-on-one conversations with Brock since that day, I can tell you that he is truly sorry for what occurred that night and for all the pain and suffering that it has caused for all of those involved and impacted by that night. He has expressed true remorse for his actions on that night. Living under that same roof with Brock since this incident, I can tell you firsthand the devastating impact that it has had on my son. Before I elaborate more, I would like to share some memories of my son that demonstrate the quality of his character….
As it stands now, Brock’s life has been deeply altered forever by the events of Jan 17th and 18th. He will never be his happy go lucky self with that easy going personality and welcoming smile. His every waking minute is consumed with worry, anxiety, fear, and depression. You can see this in his face, the way he walks, his weakened voice, his lack of appetite. Brock always enjoyed certain types of food and is a very good cook himself. I was always excited to buy him a big rib eye steak to grill or to get his favorite snack for him. I had to make sure to hide some of my favorite pretzels or chips because I knew they wouldn’t be around long after Brock walked in from a long swim practice. Now he barely consumes any food and eats only to exist.
These verdicts have broken and shattered him and our family in so many ways. His life will never be the one that he dreamed about and worked so hard to achieve. That is a steep price to pay for 20 minutes of action out of his 20 plus years of life. The fact that he now has to register as a sexual offender for the rest of his life forever alters where he can live, visit, work, and how he will be able to interact with people and organizations. What I know as his father is that incarceration is not the appropriate punishment for Brock. He has no prior criminal history and has never been violent to anyone including his actions on the night of Jan 17th 2015. Brock can do so many positive things as a contributor to society and is totally committed to educating other college age students about the dangers of alcohol consumption and sexual promiscuity. By having people like Brock educate others on college campuses is how society can begin to break the cycle of binge drinking and its unfortunate results. Probation is the best answer for Brock in this situation and allows him to give back to society in a net positive way.
Very Respectfully,
Dan A. Turner
Alexandra Ozeri, one person who was angered by the Dad’s minimizing letter, “fixed” the letter by adding her comments to the minimizing statements so that they acknowledged accountability for the wrong done to the victim. Her additions are in blue. Here it is:
As it stands now, Brock’s life has been deeply altered forever by the events (raping an unconscious woman) of Jan 17th and 18th. He will never be his happy go lucky self with that easy going personality and welcoming smile that was there the whole time he was raping a young woman thinking he wouldn’t get caught.
His every waking minute is consumed with not taking responsibility for the rape he committed. You can see this in his face, the way he walks, the fact that he took the girl he raped to trial and blamed it on her, his weakened voice, his lack of appetite.
Brock always enjoyed certain types of food before he raped someone and is a very good cook himself. I was always excited to buy him a big rib eye steak to grill, but it just wasn’t the same after he raped an innocent young woman. I had to make sure to hide some of my favourite pretzels or chips because I knew they wouldn’t be around long after Brock walked in from swim practice, but these cute details don’t have anything to do with the rape he committed. Now he barely consumes any foods and eats only to exist because he screwed his own life and many other lives up by raping someone.
The verdicts have broken and shattered him and our family in so many ways, because our son is now a rapist. His life will never be the one that he dreamed about and worked so hard to achieve, the one where he gets to rape a beautiful strong human being and then go back to his swim meet.
This is a steep price to pay for 20 minutes of action i.e. raping someone out of his 20 plus years of life. This isn’t like the three second rule for food, rape still counts no matter how many seconds it lasts. This is rape.
The fact that he now has to register as a sexual offender for the rest of his life forever alters where he can live, visit, work, rape, and how he will be able to interact with people who don’t want to be raped and organisations who don’t want their employees to be raped.
What I know as his father is that incarceration is not the punishment for Brock, but a longer punishment meant for a rapist. He has no prior criminal history (aside from this rape) and has never been violent to anyone (except for the rape) including his “actions” (and you know what that means – rape) on the night of Jan 17th 2015. Bringing up the fact that this was only his first rape is like bringing up that it’s somebody’s first murder or first terror attack, so it’s still a crime.
Brock can do so many positive things as a contributor to society, but instead he chose to rape someone, and is totally committed to educating other college students about the dangers of alcohol consumption and sexual promiscuity, which is irrelevant because he should be talking about how he shouldn’t have raped someone.
By having people like Brock educate others on college campuses is how society can begin to break the cycle of drinking and its unfortunate results and get misinformation from a rapist with a light sentence.
Probation is the best answer for Brock in this situation and allows him to give back to society in an unjust and seriously creepy way.
Very respectfully and ignorantly,
Dan A. (father of a rapist) Turner
Although Brock Turner was caught in the act of raping the woman, he dragged her through a trial in which she was asked intrusive questions that placed the blame for the rape on her. If he was truly “filled with remorse” he would not have done this. At the sentencing, the victim addressed her rapist directly, reading a powerful letter she had written describing the severe impact his actions had on her — from the night she learned she had been assaulted by a stranger while unconscious, to the grueling trial during which Turner’s attorneys argued that she had “eagerly consented.” You can read it HERE. I suggest that you do so you understand the brutality of what he did to her and the perversion of justice that occurred when he was sentenced to only 6 months in jail.
This story has upset me because in every form of abuse, victims are typically blamed for the abuse and the abusive actions are minimized. Not only does the abuser blame his victim and minimize his abuse, but often family and friends do as well. When victims seek help, they typically hear such statements as:
I can’t believe he/she is abusive! He/she is so nice. (Abusers are shapeshifters who often appear nice in public while they abuse their victims in private.- Are you sure you aren’t over-reacting?
- It doesn’t sound so bad.
- Other people have it worse.
- But he didn’t hit you…
- You must have done something to provoke it.
- You shouldn’t have…..
- The abuser is just wounded. You need to love or forgive him/her more.
And so on. These types of statements validate what the abuser is telling the victim and makes it even harder to escape the abuser. If a person hears over and over again from everyone in her life that she is to blame for the abuse, that she is over-reacting, that she is taking it wrong, and that she provoked the abuse…guess what? She will start to believe it.
I, myself, endured these types of blaming/minimizing statements when I struggled with my family’s emotional abuse. It kept me in the abuse longer because I thought that it was my fault. I wasn’t enough. I needed to be more loving. I needed to forgive them more. They were just wounded and didn’t know better. It was only when I began learning about abuse, and that it’s impossible to have any sort of relationship with an unrepentant abuser, that I was finally able to escape.
And now we have encountered similar victim-blaming and minimizing behavior from EJ’s family. I am going to again write about it because it is so very important to understand the dynamics of abuse and of victim-blaming and minimizing so that we don’t do it and add to the pain of the victims. Although EJ and I kept the matter with his relative private for years, I believe that there is a time to be silent and a time to speak out (Prov. 31:8-9). Evil loves silence and as Edmund Burke said, “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” It deeply matters to me that victims are further victimized by those who excuse, justify, minimize, and defend abusers and abuse. I do not think EJ’s family will hear, but I will speak about this in order to educate others because the probability is very high that every one of us has or will either experience abuse or know someone who is experiencing abuse. We need to educate ourselves on abuse so we will recognize abuse and know what to do and not do, how to help and not help. We need to stop blaming the victims and excusing the abusers!
As I have written before, I believe that EJ, JJ, and I are suffering from forms of PTSD. It is my understanding that there are two types of PTSD. One is caused by sudden short-term trauma, such as car accidents, natural disasters, or rape. Another type is complex PTSD, which is caused by long-term trauma or stress, such as chronic stress or long-term abuse. We believe that we are all suffering from PTSD from all the difficulties we have experienced for so many years. Sometimes we say to each other that we could never adequately describe to anyone the things we have experienced and survived.
We each suffer a variety of symptoms, some that are similar and some that are different. For example, we all suffer from anxiety and occasional panic attacks, JJ and I suffer from insomnia, and EJ has added physical symptoms. Since we have moved north, we have been gaining strength but stressful situations tend to trigger anxiety. EJ had a routine appointment with his doctor a week or so ago and because she is helping him with his anxiety, he told her about the severe panic attack that was triggered when he learned that his relative’s actions toward our son 12 years ago had been typical victim-grooming behavior of a molester. As he described the situation the doctor repeatedly said, “That is really not good” and she completely agreed with the abuse experts that I had talked to that EJ’s relative’s actions were definitely typical victim-grooming behavior of a molester.
EJ’s siblings had pressured us to have full contact with their relative rather than accept the boundaries of limited contact that we had set for our own family. We didn’t feel that we needed to warn the family of their relative’s lack of integrity–they could decide for themselves how to address it if they wanted to–but when we learned that his behavior was victim-grooming, we felt it was important to alert them to protect any children he came in contact with from possible harm. When we did, the family turned on us and again accused us of being unloving, ungracious, unforgiving, and unChristlike for limiting our exposure to him. One wrote in a group chat that “apparently” I didn’t know that they had been raised to love and support family. None of the family knew the details of what happened–because I had learned from my own family situation how people tend to minimize, justify, and excuse abuse and I didn’t want to have to defend myself against more minimizing statements. Also, we didn’t want to humiliated the relative’s adult children. One sister minimized her relative’s behavior as “possibly being victim-grooming but it also could be completely innocent.” Again, she knew no details of what had happened so how could she possibly judge whether it was “innocent” or not?
I’d like to re-emphasize that EJ and I have had limited contact with the brother for 12 years. In all that time, none of the family knew that we had a problem with the brother because we kept the matter private, we didn’t make a major issue of it, we didn’t gossip to the other members of the family, we didn’t pressure anyone to adhere to the boundaries we quietly set for ourselves, we didn’t set up a situation in which family members felt they had to take sides, and we were not cruel to the brother in any way. The rare times we encountered him at family gatherings, we were polite to him. If we had realized that his behavior was victim-grooming, we would have alerted the family years ago, but we didn’t know and since JJ had said his uncle had not hurt him, we just quietly set our boundaries of low contact. His interaction with our son had “creeped us out” and we also did not want him in our lives because of his other toxic behavior that we had either personally experienced or learned about from other sources.
For several years, I had administered a family group at Facebook. I did not add the relative because I had blocked him on my personal FB page and couldn’t add him, and EJ didn’t want him to know our private contact information after we moved, which was shared in the group. I also didn’t want to make things uncomfortable for other family members who had also been hurt by the relative. I never really had much contact with the relative even before he lived with us other than at family gatherings, so my non-contact was not a problem and he wasn’t really even aware of it. EJ continued to have limited interaction with his relative via Facebook and an occasional phone call. No one in the family realized in all those years that the relative was not a member of the FB group until last winter when a sister asked her relative for his address in the group and I privately told her that he was not a member. I did not tell her details, merely mentioning that we had had a problem with him years ago and that we had little contact with him. EJ and I think it’s very telling that although I had not mentioned our son, she immediately asked “Did he hurt JJ?”
A few weeks ago, in a 24 hour period, three family members pressured us to add the relative to the group. In 12 years they didn’t realize that we had low contact with him, and for several years they were totally unaware that he wasn’t a member of the FB group, yet a few months after the one sister discovered his exclusion from the group, suddenly three family members were insisting we add him? Obviously, there was gossip and a planned attempt to pressure us. Because of the public pressure, other family members became aware of the situation, sides were taken, and relationships were adversely affected. Who was the cause of all this upheaval? Not us. None of this had happened for the TWELVE YEARS we had quietly set our boundaries. The turmoil came only when the family discovered the matter and instead of keeping it private, they made it an issue and meddled.
But we urge you, brothers, to do this more and more, and to aspire to live quietly, and to mind your own affairs… (I Thess 5:10-11)
But let none of you suffer as a murderer or a thief or an evildoer or as a meddler. (1 Peter 4:15)
We were accused of not loving or supporting family. But true love does not engage in “group think”–it does not pressure others to believe, think, and act the same. True love allows others the freedom to make their own choices even if you disagree with them. That’s called “free will.” True love doesn’t disrespect others’ boundaries and decisions. True love doesn’t gossip. And true love does not protect and defend an abusive relative while condemning the righteous one.
And, yes, I would say that my husband is a righteous man. Jesus says by their fruit you will know them and my husband’s “fruit” is indicative of a righteous person. He has great integrity and he is very faithful, gentle, humble, compassionate, and generous. Through the years, he has helped most (if not all) of his relatives at various times when they were in need. Many times he generously and sacrificially helped them anonymously. He has never cheated, manipulated them, stolen from them, or taken advantage of them. On the contrary, their relative has manipulated, cheated, stolen, vandalized, been immoral, and is very likely a molester. If you were to protect, defend, support, or at the very least give the benefit of the doubt to one of these brothers, which do you think it should be?
I like what the Professor said in the book, The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe when the other children didn’t believe their sister Lucy’s story about Narnia.
‘How do you know,’ [the Professor] asked, ‘that your sister’s story is not true?’
‘Oh, but-‘ began Susan, and then stopped. Anyone could see from the old man’s face that he was perfectly serious. Then Susan pulled herself together and said, ‘but Edmund said they had only been pretending.’
‘That is a point,’ said the Professor, “which certainly deserves consideration; very careful consideration. For instance – if you will excuse me for asking the question – does your experience lead you to regard your brother or your sister as the more reliable? I mean, which is the more truthful?’
‘That’s just the funny thing about it, sir,’ said Peter. “Up till now, I’d have said Lucy every time.’
‘And what do you think, my dear?’ said the Professor, turning to Susan.
‘Well,’ said Susan, ‘in general, I’d say the same as Peter, but this couldn’t be true – all this about the wood and the Faun.’
‘That is more than I know,’ said the Professor, ‘and a charge of lying against someone you have always found truthful is a very serious thing; a very serious thing indeed.’
‘We were afraid it mightn’t even be lying,’ said Susan; ‘we thought there might be something wrong with Lucy.’
‘Madness, you mean?’ said the Professor quite coolly. “Oh, you can make your minds easy about that. One has only to look at her and talk to her to see that she is not mad.’
‘But then,’ said Susan, and stopped. She had never dreamed that a grown-up would talk like the Professor and didn’t know what to think.
‘Logic!’ said the Professor half to himself. ‘Why don’t they teach logic at these schools? There are only three possibilities. Either your sister is telling lies, or she is mad, or she is telling the truth. You know she doesn’t tell lies and it is obvious that she is not mad. For the moment then and unless any further evidence turns up, we must assume that she is telling the truth.’
EJ relatives declare that they have family love, but their actions toward my husband–who is also their relative–and me is extremely unloving and unmerciful. They have gossiped among themselves, pressured us to violate the boundaries we set for the protection of our own family, supported and defended the “dishonorable” relative, and their actions have caused turmoil and division, has hurt my husband deeply, and affected relationships within the family. I know I’m repeating myself, but I want to drive it home. Is THIS truly family love and support? I think not.
Ok, but is it unloving or unbiblical to have little or no contact with an abusive person? NO. God, who is merciful, gracious, and just, says He deeply cares about the needy, afflicted, and oppressed. He says He came to set the prisoners free and He promises to protect and defend victims of the wicked. Never would He force a victim of abuse to remain in the power and torment of a wicked person. Look at a few of many verses on the topic:
What I wrote you was not to associate with anyone who is supposedly a brother but who also engages in sexual immorality, is greedy, worships idols, is abusive, gets drunk or steals. With such a person you shouldn’t even eat! For what business is it of mine to judge outsiders? Isn’t it those who are part of the community that you should be judging? God will judge those who are outside. Just expel the evildoer from among yourselves. (1 Cor. 5:11-13).
Moreover, understand this: in the Last Days will come trying times. People will be self-loving, money-loving, proud, arrogant, insulting, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, uncontrolled, brutal, hateful of good, traitorous, headstrong, swollen with conceit, loving pleasure rather than God, as they retain the outer form of religion but deny its power. Stay away from these people! (2 Timothy 3:1-5)
As for a person who stirs up division, after warning him once and then twice, have nothing more to do with him, knowing that such a person is warped and sinful; he is self-condemned. (Titus 3:10-11)
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Sadly it is very typical of dysfunctional families that when a person begins to set boundaries or to speak out against abuse, the others quickly rush to defend the abuser and to condemn the victim. Many times, even when they actually witness the abuse they will defend the abuser. This doesn’t just happen in families. It also happens in many churches and other groups. This is wrong. We all are ignorant about various things and we all make mistakes but I believe that those who knowingly aid a wicked person shares in his guilt.
It really breaks my heart whenever the wicked are defended and protected and the innocent are condemned.
“You shall not spread a false report. You shall not join hands with a wicked man to be a malicious witness. You shall not fall in with the many to do evil, nor shall you bear witness in a lawsuit, siding with the many, so as to pervert justice, nor shall you be partial to a poor man in his lawsuit. (Exodus 23:1-3)
Chicken Run
It feels like I haven’t written in forever. Mostly it’s because I began to have problems with my laptop overheating a couple of weeks ago. After only a couple of minutes, I could feel the heat building up and almost burning my fingers. I was afraid that it would cause a meltdown so I ended up taking my laptop to a repair shop. They “blew out” the accumulated dust, crumbs, and cat hair. I told them that most of the icons on my taskbar had disappeared and the others didn’t work, so they kept my laptop. Fortunately, EJ let me use his laptop when he was at work or sleeping so I wasn’t completely without the use of a computer.
The repair shop “refreshed” my laptop which basically means that they took it back to its factory settings. They said that most of the programs I had installed would be gone, but I’d still have my photos and documents, which is what I cared mostly about. When I got my laptop back a few days later, however, all the photos, videos, and documents were gone. 😦 No, I hadn’t backed them up because every time I tried, JJ would complain that my uploading was affecting his ability to get online.) I was sad that everything was gone–although I still had the stuff I had uploaded to FB and this blog. I remembered after a bit that my computer had two accounts (a glitch that happened when Windows 10 was downloaded and installed) and I realized that the laptop was automatically signing onto the other account rather than the account that had my photos. With the help of Microsoft Tech Support, I was able to sign on to the other account and–Yay!–all my photos and everything was still there! Tech support also helped me delete the other account so it won’t be a problem again. I’ve been busy trying to reinstall my various programs and such. I still have a few small problems which I will contact Tech Support about to help me resolve.
Now I am uploading my photos to the “cloud” to back them up. I think JJ now realizes the importance of my doing so.
We have accepted an offer on our old house! With all the effort and money we have poured into the old house, it is disappointing at how little we are selling it for. However, at least we won’t have money going the wrong way–on utilities, lawn care, and our loan. The buyer is paying cash for the house, so I won’t be totally relieved until we actually have the check in our hands–because I know things can always go wrong. Every time I see a severe storm warning for that area, I find myself praying that it doesn’t damage the house and prevent the sale. Meanwhile, we have taken several trips downstate to get the rest of our possessions out of the house. Mostly they are EJ’s tools and other stuff that was in the basement or garage. Some of the items were large–such as toolboxes, file cabinets, ice fishing sleds, etc. which took up space in our vehicles so we have had to made multiple trips. The only items left in the other parts of the house was our elliptical, treadmill and some old bookcases. We gave the treadmill and bookcases to our neighbors the last time we were at the house so we didn’t have to try to transport them. It’s very exhausting to drive several hundred miles to the house, work for several hours, and then drive back and unload everything. We will be totally relieved to get out from under the burden of the house and to cut our ties with the life downstate.
After I read that the chickens consider me part of their flock, and that sometimes the Alpha chicken (usually a rooster) will try to seize dominance over their human member, and that it’s important that we don’t let him because he will turn mean and attack, I carry a cane with a rubber “foot” on it whenever I go into the pen. I call it my “rooster whacker.” Whenever it looks as if the Alpha rooster is getting a little sassy and rebellious, I give him a gentle but firm push to let him know that he is NOT the boss. So far he’s been pretty good. EJ jokes that I’ve become a “sadistic guard” but I really don’t hurt the rooster at all. They are much harder on each other than I am on them. It really is in the rooster’s best interest to learn to not sass because if he turns mean….! His fate will not be good.
Last week as we were putting the birds to “bed” for the night, one of the younger chickens sort of half flew, half climbed partway up the side of the cage. Afterwards, the roosters kept looking up as if they were plotting their escape. I thought, “Oh, my goodness, they really do plot to escape just like in the Dreamworks movie Chicken Run! EJ and I realized that we needed to put netting over the top ASAP to prevent their escape. We hadn’t yet gotten any netting so we used the snow fencing we had bought to put up along our driveway in the winter. I took this video while EJ was fastening the fence to the other side of the cage:
Last night I was late putting the birds to bed. I usually herd them into the garage at 9 p.m., but it was 9:30 p.m. before I realized that I hadn’t done it yet. So I went out to the garage and found that they had all put themselves to bed. The ducks were in the bottom of the coop and the ten chickens were all in the upper story of the coop. I laughed and closed the large garage door.
We finally bought a swimming pool for our ducks. EJ built a nice wooden ramp for them so they could easily get into it…but they totally ignored it. So yesterday I dug a level shallow hole the size of the pool, set the pool into it, and used the extra dirt to build a dirt ramp around the pool, and then the ducks got into the pool. They quickly get the water dirty so I dump it out and refill it every day.
JJ has begun working in the deli at the grocery store. The deli people all really like him and kept asking that he work with them. He says he likes it. Today he texted me: “They [the manager] called me into the office and told me I was doing a fantastic job and that the night managers had nothing but good things to say about me, and to keep up the good work.” He said he got a 50 cent raise. Woo hoo!
My Tribe
This morning I took my camera with me when I went out to the garage to care for the ducks so that I could try to video our young rooster’s early attempts at crowing. I actually got him crowing THREE times on camera. It doesn’t sound like much of a crow, but he’s new at it. I’m sure he will improve with practice.
The other day I learned about the society of chickens, which is a hierarchical pattern of behavior in a flock. Basically it means that there is a “boss” bird who is in charge and all of the rest of the chickens fall in line under him depending on their rank within the flock. The boss–or alpha–bird can either be a rooster, if your flock has one, or a dominate hen will fill the role if you don’t. If there is more than one rooster, they will battle for dominance.
In a flock composed entirely of hens, there will be one dominant female who will establish herself as the alpha in the absence of a rooster. Younger birds are typically lower in the hierarchy, and older or more aggressive birds will rise to the top. If a rooster is later added to the flock, the alpha hen may continue to hold rank, even over the rooster if he is young.
The alpha has first choice on food, first access to feeders and water, the best treats, favorite nesting boxes, preferred dust bathing spots, and the highest roosting spots. Alpha chickens will maintain this control through clucks, stance, and the occasional peck. The alpha takes responsibility for making sure the flock dynamics are upheld. She makes sure everyone not only stays in line, but leads the way when it comes to foraging for food, seeking shelter, and warning the others of danger.
I think the most interesting thing I learned is that chickens consider humans to be a member of their flock, which places us in their pecking order. Sometimes a rooster will try to challenge a human by dancing around him with its wings out and charging towards him. If they do that, they are trying to dominate the human. This is when the human needs to establish dominance. If the rooster feels he has established dominance, some will peck and jump at the human with their spurs and will attack if he turns his back on the rooster. An aggressive chicken can cause some pretty painful wounds. If a chicken becomes too aggressive, he may have to be killed or given away.
Ok, that’s probably more than you wanted to learn about chickens, but I thought it was interesting. Now that I’ve learned that my chickens consider me part of their flock, I always say, “Hello, Tribe!” when I go out to visit them. I watch for aggressive behavior so I can stop it immediately but so far we are all good. It’s fun having the chickens and ducks all run up to me when they see me.
After I cared for my Tribe this morning, I was leaving their cage when I heard a fluttering noise. I looked around and saw that one of the young chickens had gotten out. She’s lucky she didn’t get eaten by the two outdoor cats. I opened the cage door and she ran right in to join her peers. I think that one of the other older chickens was probably pecking at her and she had fluttered and gotten out through one of the wider gaps in the cage. I blocked all the gaps–mostly near the door. In a few days she will be bigger and won’t fit through them.
Later in the morning I went outside to the rock pile and twice filled the wheelbarrow with rocks. I wheeled each load down the driveway a bit and stacked the rocks into more little dams to slow the rush of water when it rains. I feel like a child building rock dams. My dams look like this:
While I was throwing the stones into the wheelbarrow, I was thrilled to find two interesting stones. We are always finding interesting stones. One was a good-sized Petoskey stone about the size of my hand! The other looked like a honeycomb or something.
Down at our old house, we had a beautiful large lilac bush. I love lilacs and was sad to leave it behind. However, I am thrilled that we have THREE lilac bushes at our new house! One is the same medium lilac color that we had downstate. There is also a bush with darker purple lilacs and a bush with lighter lilacs. I am very blessed!
Fangorn Forest
Today was Memorial Day in the USA. It is a day to honor fallen soldiers. We always really enjoyed the Memorial Day celebrations in the little village we used to live in. They had one of the best, most honoring, Memorial Day celebrations I had ever seen. The focus was entirely on the veterans. Everyone would gather at the VFW where veterans gave short speeches. Then there was a parade of the local band, the Boy Scout troop, and the veterans from the various wars walking (or riding if they were too old) from the VFW to the cemetery. The townspeople walked alongside. At the cemetery, there was a nice ceremony as wreaths were laid at the memorials.
We are not yet sure where to find Memorial Day celebrations in our new area. We couldn’t find any this year–which doesn’t mean that they don’t have any, we just didn’t know where to look. I’m sure we will become more familiar with what the area offers; it just takes time.
Yesterday we sort of had a cookout with hamburgers, hot dogs, and all the other traditional foods. Only, we couldn’t actually grill the burgers and hot dogs because it was MUCH too windy. We cooked them on the stove instead. We had guests and we were going to take them on a walk through our forest, but we heard the high wind push down a tree in the forest, so we decided to just walk down the driveway. The high wind also broke the umbrella of our patio table. Despite this, we had a really good time.
Today we mostly just took it easy.
When I opened the garage door this morning to care for the chickens and ducks, I heard the strangest noise. It almost sounded like the horn of an old car or a strange scream–a ERRRR noise. After I heard it a few times, I realized that it was one of the roosters trying to crow. I told him that with a bit of practice, I’m sure he would learn to do better. I wanted to video his new crow, but after I ran to get my camera, I didn’t hear him again.
The younger chickens were emptying their water before I could get out there in the mornings even though I had put the large water dish in their coop. So I decided this morning that they were old enough to be released from their coop and join the older birds. Outside of the coop they’d have access to more water, as well as more food. They were nervous to be outside the coop and kept together as a group, but I’m sure they will soon be right at home.
Later, EJ did a few things around the house. I did laundry and hung the clothes on the line. I also took several wheelbarrow loads of stones to place along the sides of the driveway. We have to build a bunch of small stone dams along the driveway to slow the rush of water when it rains so gullies don’t form.
Last night and today I had a few anxiety attacks from the extra stress we’ve had lately. So late this afternoon EJ took me for a drive. First he drove me past the house we almost bought. We had placed an offer on the house, but the sellers decided they didn’t want to sell it after all. That house was ok, but I’m glad that deal fell apart because I love the house and property we bought much, much more.
Afterwards we decided to drive to a couple of nature areas. The first one was a beautiful little pond. In the middle of the pond was a bird that at first we thought was a pelican, but which we later identified as a swan. We forgot our binoculars so it was really hard to tell what it was at first. The pond had a dam with a stream rushing out of it. There were steps along the dam that led down into a beautiful forest of trees with tangled roots. I’m not sure how old the trees were, but they felt old. It reminded me of Fangorn Forest, the old forest where the Ents lived in The Lord of the Rings. It felt as if the trees would wake up and start walking at any moment.
Later we went to another nature area that had seven bridges winding among a rushing river. The river split and rejoined many times. We enjoyed the fragrance of the trees and the music of the river. Here, too, many of the trees had tangled roots that were twisted into beautiful works of art:
Here is a video of part of our walk:
It was a wonderful day.
Howdy Neighbor
I am often indecisive about whether or not I should share my personal story about abuse. Some people believe that we ought to never share any negative story about anyone. Others believe that in sharing our stories, we can help others through similar struggles. I think both are true. I mean, on the one hand, I understand about being careful about what we share. On the other hand, if people had not shared with me their personal stories of abuse, I don’t know where I’d be today. And often when I share my story, I hear from others how much it helped them. It’s because people have the courage to share their painful stories, their heartbreaking stories, their courageous stories, that we are able to recognize abuse and to gain the courage to escape it. I’m thankful for stories. So sometimes I share mine. I do try to limit details.
We had a rough week. EJ’s family got upset with us for limiting contact with his brother. We had done so because of his toxic behavior when he lived with us for a short time twelve years ago, and particularly because of one incident that involved our then 9-year-old son. None of the extended family was even aware that there was a problem between us and the brother all these years or that we had limited contact because we had made it an undramatic nonissue. We kept the grievance private, didn’t speak negatively of his brother, didn’t stir up trouble so that the family took “sides,” were polite whenever the brother attended a family gathering, and didn’t expect anyone to adhere to our personal boundaries. In fact, EJ interacted with his brother on FB. However, he didn’t give him our address when we moved. I blocked him at FB and didn’t add him to our family Facebook group which I was the admin of.
When the family recently discovered our limited contact, they didn’t respect our boundaries. They were very angry with us for limiting contact. And that has caused a lot of problems and hurt feelings.
With all the heartbreak I experienced with my own family, and with all the PTSD symptoms we have experienced from abuse and cancer, this was very stressful. It was stressful enough that I talked over the situation with experts at an abuse website, telling them what we had done, why we had done it, the family’s response, and exact details of the incident that had alarmed us so many years ago. They replied that we had done well, and that the only thing that they would have done differently would be to warn the family–because the brother’s actions were typical victim-grooming behavior. Warning them would help protect others in the family. So I warned the family–but as often happens, most of them leaped to the brother’s defense and were angry with us. There has been no censure directed at the brother. The family thinks it’s terrible that we have excluded him and aren’t unconditionally loving and forgiving him. This is very stressful, but we know that our boundaries are wise and that we did the right thing in warning the family.
I grew up not understanding healthy boundaries, but after I experienced my family’s abuse, I educated myself about abuse and began learning how to set healthy boundaries. Even though it’s hard, each time I set a boundary, I grow stronger and it becomes easier. We know now that if we allow anyone to disrespect our boundaries, they will only grow to disrespect them more, so we are remaining firm.
I hear–and have experienced–a lot of very sad stories about the horrible abuse that occurs in some families. I think family love and support is important, but that includes respecting each other’s boundaries and giving each other the freedom to be different and to make different choices. I also think that it’s more important to do the right thing and to respect each other than to have blind family loyalty that defends a person who is wrong or hurtful just because he is related.
Now, on to other news:
Last weekend JJ burst into the house when he got home from work saying that he had run over a large snake at the bottom of the driveway. It was a sandy area so the snake wasn’t hurt and quickly slithered away. JJ described it and EJ thinks it might have been a Blue Racer. We all walked down to see if we could get a glimpse of it, but it was gone. I hope the snake won’t consider our chickens “lunch.”
After we didn’t see the snake, JJ and I returned to the house, but EJ continued on to get the mail. That was when he met our nearest neighbors. Since this is their vacation home, they are absent all winter and here only occasionally during the summer. EJ had quite a chat with the neighbor and he learned that the man had actually worked with his Dad years ago in Flint. They used to play cards together on their lunch hour. It really is a small world.
Danny actually had met our neighbors before EJ did. The neighbor asked EJ if we owned a black dog with long hair. Yup. He said that Danny had appeared out of the forest, let them pat him a couple of times, and then he left. Danny is not supposed to go into the forest alone [bad dog!], but he loves people. He doesn’t meet many people up here like he did at our old house.
The neighbor guy said that the woman who used to live in our house had guinea hens. Apparently, the first day she let them out to free range, they refused to return and she never again got them back. Coyotes picked them off, one by one, until they were all eaten. We are now thinking about keeping our birdies safely in their pen. We couldn’t bear it if they were eaten.
We have had a very dry Spring. It’s been so dry that the grass was turning yellow. Our county banned all burning. We are surrounded by forests and it would be very bad if there was a forest fire. Very bad. We have finally gotten a bit of rain. Yay!
JJ told me the other day that our new home feels more like “home” than the old house ever did. He loves it here. “It’s the best decision we ever made!” he exclaimed. I’m glad. EJ and I love it here too.
I Love To Go A Gardening 