I Love To Go A Gardening
Growing Our Life in Northern Michigan
Possibilities
We are making good progress packing up the house. All the rooms, closets, and drawers are nearly empty except for the kitchen and bathroom. I am leaving those for last. After that I will have to work on the back porch and basement. I’m not sure how much progress I can make on the basement, but I want to at least get started. I also want to do a little yard work. I have so much to do.
The only room in the house that is getting more full instead of more empty is the living room. I have pushed all the living room furniture to one end of the room. At the other end, boxes are creeping away from the wall and consuming floor space like a monster. Poor Danny has less and less room to navigate. However, Kee Kee loves to sleep in empty boxes and Timmy and Little Bear are enjoying climbing the mountains of boxes and hiding in nooks and crannies. Luke just enjoys cuddling with JJ.
It’s rather interesting watching our lives get reduced to boxes in the living room.
As rooms empty and boxes accumulate, JJ says he is getting really excited. He sort of fluctuates between excitement and nervousness. I mean, what if it’s not a change for the better? What if he doesn’t find friends? I told him that we know what to expect where we now live, but the really wonderful thing about the move is the possibilities it opens up for us. We have a chance at a new beginning–we will have no personal history up there and the future is filled with mysterious possibilities to explore. It’s like the poem Bilbo Baggins recited in The Lord of the Rings:
The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way,
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say.
And there’s also a different version of the poem that Bilbo first recited in The Hobbit. This version reminds me of the many places of natural beauty we can explore in the new location.
Roads go ever ever on,
Over rock and under tree,
By caves where never sun has shone,
By streams that never find the sea;
Over snow by winter sown,
And through the merry flowers of June,
Over grass and over stone,
And under mountains in the moon.
Roads go ever ever on
Under cloud and under star,
Yet feet that wandering have gone
Turn at last to home afar.
Eyes that fire and sword have seen
And horror in the halls of stone
Look at last on meadows green
And trees and hills they long have known.
Last week when EJ and I opened new accounts at the bank with branches both here and there, Anne, the Branch Financial Sales Consultant, told me that she would help me set up on-line banking once the accounts were all set up and we had received our ATM cards. I finally had time yesterday so I drove into the bank. (Ok, I didn’t really drive “into” the bank, but into the town to where the bank is.) Anne was busy but the branch manager sat down with me and helped me set up the on-line banking and learn to use their ATM. I felt a bit like an old lady who needs her grandchildren to teach her how to turn on the DVD player, but I have never done on-line banking before and we almost never use an ATM. These newfangled technologies change all time so it was good to get updated. I think it will be handy to do on-line banking with EJ living in one place and we in another.
When I look at real estate sites, especially those with maps, I think “Somewhere in this area is our new home.” That is exciting. I don’t particularly enjoy packing up a lifetime of possessions in our old house, but I get excited at the thought of unpacking and settling in a new home. Building the new is more enjoyable than deconstructing the old, I think.
Yesterday afternoon EJ drove to a couple of possible houses that we had found on real estate sites.
The first house was a foreclosure on 8 acres selling for $54,000. In 2011 it had sold for $176,000. The realtor had told EJ that it was a tremendous bargain. EJ couldn’t find the house so he called me. I’m EJ’s “hero support”–when he needs info or directions, he calls me and I looked it up on the Internet. I saw that the house–as well as a few others–was actually on a drive off the main road. EJ said the actual road was a private road and very rough–a person almost needed four-wheel drive to travel on it. He decided not to try to go on the smaller drive. He said it was too wild of an area and the road too rough and “adventurous” so we crossed the house off our list.
The next house he drove to is actually his favorite of the houses available on the real estate sites. It is a house on 3.7 acres for $65,000. It has a basement, garage, and two pole barns. I think the kitchen is cheerful. EJ said the place and the neighborhood looks nice. He called the realtor and made an appointment to look at it on Monday. The problem is that the house is a foreclosed manufactured house so it might be difficult to get financing. Also, it is sold “as is” which is sort of scary.
We are hoping to find a three bedroom house that isn’t too close to the Emerald City (where the taxes are higher). However, because the area gets tons of snow, we don’t want to live too far away either. In the summer, there also will be lots of tourists which will increase traffic and could make getting to work time-consuming. I told EJ to remember that summer is “tourist season” and he doesn’t even need a license. JJ laughed and said that I was very terrible.
EJ grew up on a farm so living in a town has felt too restrictive to him. I also want to have more space. Therefore, we want to have at least a couple of acres–more would be better. We’d like a finished basement or a garage–or both–so EJ has room for his “guy stuff.” We don’t have that in our current house and it’s been a frustration because EJ has no area to putter. We also don’t want a house that will need a ton of work. We are moving to “vacation” area so when EJ is not working, we’d like to be able to enjoy our surroundings rather than have to always work on a house. However, we would like to have a chance at being debt-free so we don’t want a really expensive house. It’s difficult to find a house that fits all these parameters. I know, I know, we could loosen our restrictions, and we have looked at houses with less land or for more money. But having a small lot feels intolerable and slightly more expensive houses (up to $110,000) don’t look much better than the less expensive houses. We do find houses, but they are usually either manufactured houses or foreclosures. We don’t mind either, but we are unsure how to get financing because sometimes banks are reluctant to loan money for them. That’s one thing EJ will need to discuss with the loan person up in the Emerald City. We probably could find a good house if we had time, but it’s expensive for EJ to live in motels and we all want to be together again ASAP. We are praying that God helps us to quickly find the house that is “just right.”
EJ is driving down today to spend time with us. He should arrive at mid-afternoon. He will return to the Emerald City on Sunday. I can’t wait to see him.
The Saga Continues
The saga of our move continues…
I’ve been spending my days packing. I’m trying to get everything packed as soon as possible so we will be ready to move as soon as EJ finds us a house. Upstairs we have the library all packed, most of JJ’s room packed, and a good start on our master bedroom. Downstairs the media closet under the stairs is emptied, as well as the china cabinet, desks, and end table drawers. I will pack the kitchen and bathroom last–and only the nonessential things. Then we can start on the back porch and basement. Ugh. Not looking forward to those.
JJ has been very helpful to me as we pack. He carries items for me to pack and then carries then moves the filled boxes where I direct. Three times this week we have gone to Meijers, a store somewhat like Wal-mart, for more boxes. We have developed a system: We first shop for items we need, such as plastic totes. We are putting our more precious items like picture albums, extra-special books, and breakable keepsakes in the totes where they will be more protected. After we buy the items, we take them out to the car, and then return to the store. We go to the produce section, find a produce employee, and beg for empty boxes. They are always really friendly and they cheerfully go in the back rooms and return with a large double-decker cart full of empty apple and banana boxes. While JJ pulls the cart through the store, I hurry to the car and drive it up to the door. Then we stuff the car full of as many boxes as it can hold. Then JJ returns the cart and off we go home to back.
EJ has had a tough first week at his new job. Besides starting a new job, which I think is always overwhelming, he has been very sick. He said this is his in his top 5 list of “The Sickest I’ve Ever Been.”
And then last night EJ texted me that he had to have some documents and if he didn’t have them, he “couldn’t be here.” Seriously? You have got to be kidding! I didn’t know if that meant he couldn’t return to work until he had them or that he’d be fired. I had packed all the desks and drawers and important papers just the day before, so I wasn’t sure where to find the documents. So I unpacked boxes and went through all the paperwork, and found one but not the other. I continued my search this morning but couldn’t find the second document. Yikes! I saw our dreams disappearing!
As soon as EJ got out of work at 3 a.m., he started driving for home to retrieve the one document I found. He got home at about 8:30 a.m. It was really good to see him!!!!! He slept for a few hours. He had hardly slept all week because he was so sick. When he woke, I made him steak and eggs. He told me then that he only needed one or the other document, not both. Whew! He turned in the paperwork to the HR department and, since he hadn’t slept for about 25 hours, they said he didn’t have to come in to work tonight.
I’m so totally ready for less drama in our lives. There has been so many I almost crises in our lives that JJ and I keep quoting from a scene from The Emperor’s New Groove:
Uh-oh.
Don’t tell me. We’re about to go over a huge waterfall.
Yep.
Sharp rocks at the bottom?
Most likely.
Bring it on.
After EJ left, I drove JJ to the city to get his blood drawn in preparation for his appointment with his oncologist on Monday. JJ told me as we drove along that his Scoutmaster had said that the troop would help us load the vehicles when we were ready to move. I thought that was really nice.
We are totally excited about moving, but I recognize that there are also people in this area that we will miss.
JJ and I were really tired when we got home today so after we ate, we decided to take naps. JJ fell asleep right away, but I couldn’t sleep so I decided to take Danny for a walk. My poor dog hasn’t had a walk in a long time. February was filled with sub-zero temperatures and even lower windchills so I didn’t want to take him out. Also, there was a lot of ice making sidewalks and roads very slippery and both Danny and I often slipped. This last week the temperatures have skyrocketed and a lot of the snow has melted. There are huge patches of green. However, I have been so busy packing that I didn’t have time or energy to walk Danny. Today was so nice, though, and I feel sorry for Danny because as we pack more and more of the house, the boxes are taking up more floor space, so now JJ, Danny, the cats, and I have to navigate through a maze. Ok, not quite that bad, but it’s getting pretty crowded. I felt sorry for Danny so I took him for a walk. It was really nice to get outside. Danny was excited about his walk. Even though it’s only in the 40s, it felt very Springlike and kids were out in short sleeves playing basketball.
The sparrows are beginning to build their nests in the birdhouses. I really want to take the birdhouses with us, but I do not want to be responsible for the deaths of baby birds. I might have to leave them unless I can take them down after one group of babies have left the nest and the parents lay more eggs.
Separation
This morning my dear hubby drove off to the Emerald City. I missed him before he even left and I teared up as he drove away. Except for a few days when he was off hunting, we have never been apart. I really miss him.
I’m very concerned for EJ because he is feeling quite sick, but he can’t be sick because he starts his new job tomorrow. Please pray that he will feel better by tomorrow so he can start his new job with a strong body and a clear mind. I know that it’s difficult to be the “new guy” and that first weeks can be difficult. I am praying this week will go well and that this company will be wonderful to work for. I am also praying EJ can find us a house quickly so we can join him soon.
To help me not miss EJ so much, I am keeping busy. I have tons to do.
After EJ drove away, JJ and I drove to a large grocery store. At EJ’s suggestion, we bought some plastic totes to protect our more precious books and picture albums. I also bought a couple banker boxes for the important papers in our file cabinet. Well, sort of. I couldn’t find any banker’s boxes, so I asked a store employee and she didn’t know what they were. She led me to some little safes. She finally found me an older store employee were knew what they were. After searching and checking with another employee, he told me that they used to have banker’s boxes but they didn’t have them anymore. So I went back to the aisle where I got the totes and we found some plastic boxes made especially for files. That worked.
After we purchased our totes and carried them out to the car, we returned to find some free empty boxes. We started out at the Customer service desk and the woman there directed us to the deli, and the woman there told us that the produce department and really good, strong boxes. When we asked the employee in the produce department, he went back into the stores innards, and pulled out a huge cart filled with many boxes. He said we could take the cart to our car and take the boxes we wanted. So we pulled the cart through the store and JJ waited just inside the store with the cart while I pulled the car up. Then we loaded the boxes into the car. Thanks to JJ’s efforts, we were able to get ten boxes into the car in addition to the plastic totes. JJ pulled cart with the remaining boxes back into the store intended to take them back to the produce man, but the greeter said she’d take care of it.
Once we reached home, we ate lunch and then JJ emptied the books on the three bookcases in his room. He got tired of bringing them down by the armloads so I gave him a laundry basket to fill and bring down. I fit the books he brought down into the boxes, along with the books filling the china cabinet and the closet under the stairs. We have now finished packing all the books, except for the cookbooks in the kitchen. We didn’t count, but I think we have about 50 or 60 boxes of books.
Next we will begin packing other stuff. Packing up a house feels overwhelming. I’d much rather unpack it all.
I really miss EJ.
Busy
We have been very, very busy.
Yesterday morning EJ and I drove to the city to buy him new machinist tools. Machinists always have their own tools. I felt as if we were buy him supplies for the first day of school.
On the way home, we stopped at the grocery store to see if they had any more boxes, but they didn’t. We stopped at our little gas station store and they said they only have boxes on Tuesday. A few FB friends suggested asking a liquor store for boxes–their boxes tend to be very sturdy, they said. So I called the local store and was told they had lots. JJ and I made two trips and brought home 2-3 dozen boxes. We spent some time packing books. Mostly JJ brought armloads of books downstairs and I packed them. We worked all today and finally got all the books in the library packed. Now we have the books from JJ’s room, which fills three bookcases, as well as the books in the china cabinet downstairs. I think we are going to have to rent a moving van just for the books. I have decided that a person can NEVER have too many books….UNLESS they are moving.
While we packed, the cats went racing around the house, always seeming to know where they’d be most in the way.
Earlier this afternoon a co-worker–well, now a former co-worker–stopped by and took away our TV. Last April the screen went dark and we just didn’t care about getting it fixed. The guy thinks it’s something minor so we gave it to him. Just one less than to have to try to move.
Yesterday was EJ’s last day at the old job. He came home early–mostly because he wasn’t feeling well. He was going to try to finish more drywalling–maybe to the point where I could paint, but he is feeling really miserable. I hope he can get to feeling really soon because tomorrow he has to make the long drive to the new location and start the new job on Monday. It’s going to be tough enough starting a job without being sick. I’m rather concerned about him. Please keep him in your prayers.
I will be so glad when EJ is settled in his new job and we are settled in the new location. The transition is not fun.
The (Im)possible Dream
We have had very cold days for the last month or so. Occasionally we’d have a slightly warmer day and the snow would melt just enough to make everything slippery when the temperatures dropped again. A couple of times we had freezing rain or drizzle. We didn’t have a huge ice storm or anything but was enough to make it slippery. A few days ago we had a freezing drizzle which formed a hard glaze over the snow. I’ve never seen anything quite like it. It was really pretty. I tried to take pictures, but they don’t do it justice. You can see the shiny glaze if you click on the pictures.
Because it has been so cold and slippery outside, poor Danny hasn’t gotten many walks lately.
EJ and I were very busy today. Every day is packed with things to do. After weeks of difficulties, now the things we need to get done seem to be moving more smoothly. It’s a relief.
This morning we opened a checking account in a bank that has branches here and also up in the Emerald City so both EJ and I can access our funds. It was EJ’s brilliant idea. We also were able to talk to a loan officer this morning and get pre-approval for a loan. That makes it easier and quicker to buy a house.
After we were done at the bank, we stopped at the grocery store for a few items. I was able to get a few empty boxes so we could begin packing. In the USA, we stores let people have the boxes that once held produce and other items. All we have to do is ask. We will need to have lots and lots of boxes.
A couple of weeks ago EJ and I started to pack our books. After we had filled the boxes, we realized that the boxes were heavy and it was going to be a chore to carry the boxes downstairs. So we decided it would be easier to just bring the books downstairs to fill the boxes. JJ helped me bring the heavy already-filled boxes downstairs and then I brought and then I filled the boxes we got today. I thought I’d get the books packed first since we won’t really have time to read them until after we get settled. We have about 9 bookcases upstairs with books double-shelved and also piled on top of other books. We also have a china cabinet downstairs crammed with books instead of china.
I think the Emerald City still feels like a dream. However, with every task we complete, it feels less like an impossible dream and more like a possible one. Thinking about impossible dreams made me think of an old song called “The Impossible Dream”:
A Tale of Two Stories
This morning EJ and I finalized financial matters so we have money for the move to the Emerald City.
EJ also selected a motel and reserved a room for next week when he begins his new job. He is going without us because it would be too expensive for us to all stay in the motel. EJ and I have never been apart from each other for more than a week–when he went up North during deer season–so being apart will be difficult. However, while he’s up there, he will search for a house for us so we can join him as soon as possible. Meanwhile JJ and I will stay home to care for the pets and start packing.
We have so much to do. I wish that we could have gotten all the projects done–but we have run out of time and will just have to work on the projects when we can. Everything has gone so fast. From the time that EJ first put his resume on the Internet until now has been about a month.
I feel as if we have somehow stepped into two different fairy tales.
The first is the story of The Hobbit. I love an article by Susan Morris that I found today at omnivoracious.com. The article begins:
Hobbits are very concerned about the idea of adventure. As Bilbo said, adventures are “Nasty disturbing uncomfortable things! Make you late for dinner!” And I can’t say I much disagree! You have to be a little bit cracked to want to go on an adventure. Think about it. If you had the choice between a comfortable life where you have all the jammy muffins and frosted scones you could wish for, a warm home filled with creature comforts, a strong community–and sleeping outside on the rocky ground in the cold rain eating what sour berries you come across (and perhaps a mangy squirrel if you’re lucky), risking life, limb, and happiness to accomplish some goal you think is for the greater good, which would you choose?
“Sorry! I don’t want any adventures, thank you. Not today. Good morning!”
But somehow, something “Tookish” wakes in us, and we wish to see great mountains, hear pine trees and waterfalls, explore caves, and trade our walking sticks for swords. And more than that, we actually do it. Drawn into adventure–into risking it all–against our better judgment. So what drives us reluctant heroes to abandon elevensies in favor of hard tack…?
EJ and I are both very Hobbit-ish in that we have a love of family and the coziness of home. but I think we must have a bit of Took in us. The Tooks were a branch of the Baggins family who enjoyed going off on adventures.
I think that we would have been content to have no adventures at all if it weren’t that we became so tired of battling wicked witches, flying monkeys, evil apple trees in gloomy forests, and enchanted soldiers that we found ourselves falling asleep in the poppy field. Especially since JJ’s battle with cancer, we felt so weary that we were in danger of falling asleep in an enchanted field of poppies. We thought, “If we don’t wake up now, we might never wake up.”
So we told God that we wanted to go on an adventure–probably it was actually God’s idea to drag us out of our sleep–and we began our journey along the yellow brick road to the Emerald City, which is our dream destination.
In every telling of the great stories, the Hero’s Journey, the Hero must take leave of what has been comfortable and normal for him or her. We must do this as well when we strike out on a new adventure, and awaken from slumber to the quest. ~ Matt Ragland, 12 Quotes and Lessons From The Hobbit
It’s all kind of scary, but something “Tookish” woke in us, and we wish to see hear pine trees and waterfalls, explore caves, see the stars and northern lights…And more than that, we are actually doing it. Drawn into adventure–into risking it all–against our better judgment...Before, we all felt as if we were merely existing, plodding through our days, but as we go off on our adventure to the Emerald City, in the midst of the stress and scary things, we echo Bilbo Baggins’ words,
“Go back? No good at all! Go sideways? Impossible! Go forward? Only thing to do! On we go!” So up he got, and trotted along with his little sword held in front of him and one hand feeling the wall, and his heart all of a patter and a pitter.
It’s rewarding to see excitement seeping back into our eyes. With each hurdle that we overcome, we exclaim, “I can’t believe this is really happening! WOOT!”
Several years ago, I was thinking about The Hobbit and adventures and I wrote a couple of poems. It seems appropriate to share them here. The first poem is about a reluctant traveler who fearfully goes off on an adventure.
The Adventurer
Content to read books
Of knights on great quests
It’s not that I mind
Adventures or danger
Or travel to lands
That grow ever stranger
I’ll gladly climb mountains
And sail stormy seas
If I’m able to do it
While sipping hot tea
I’ll boldly steal treasure
From the fierce dragon’s lair
If I’m snuggled quite safely
In my old rocking chair.
I invited You in
As my most honored guest
Not suspecting You’ll take me
On an adventurous quest
With a laugh You hold on
To my trembling hands
And urge me to travel
To faraway lands
You prod me up mountains
And across wild seas
While I yearn for safe places
And cups of hot teas
We search for great treasure
Fight dragons and more
And then journey still onward
To another far shore
When weary and shaken
I plead for a rest
I sit for a moment
And think of my nest
Then realize in wonder
That I’ve lost all desire
To be sitting at home
In my chair by the fire
I’m not quite as bold
As I was in my chair
For I shake and I scream
When I enter dark lairs
But I’ve been given a taste
Of adventurous lands
And everything else
Seems spiceless and bland
Right after I wrote this poem, I wrote a poem about a Safe Adventurer. Both adventurers started out content to sit in their rocking chairs and read about adventures, but the true Adventurer actually went out and had the adventures–and grew through them. The Safe Adventurer never did. He never faced the danger and never reaped the benefits.
I sit by the fireThe wonderful thing
Or put down the book.
Those Who Go Down To The Sea In Ships
Yesterday the occupational doctor put a restriction in her report that EJ could only lift 30 lbs. It was so frustrating that she could have trapped him at a job that was definitely affecting his health while blocking him from a physically easier job. The doctor also mentioned to EJ that he had psoriasis. He told her that the rash is not psoriasis but is caused by the coolant used at work. She didn’t listen. I don’t think much of this doctor.
JJ and I were so stressed by the possibility that EJ’s could lose his chance at the new job that we had a mini tantrum last night.
Last night EJ texted me from work that we had insurance until the end of March.
This cliffhanging drama is killing me. It’s not that I am totally without faith. I am an INFJ personality type, and uncertainties and chaos totally drain us–sometimes to the point where we shut down. Furthermore, God has taken me through a lot of really difficult, heartbreaking, painful experiences in my life and I can handle a lot of stuff with great faith, courage, and strength. However, God often doesn’t stop at the point at which I can handle things. He keeps piling on the problems until I finally break, my faith gets messy, I ask seriously raw questions, and I desperately cry out to Him for help. At that point, I often learn very deep things about Him.
The more I struggle, the more I need to release it in some way–usually through writing. I can’t just pretend that I don’t feel what I feel. As an INFJ, honesty and realness is vital to me, as is thinking deeply and asking raw questions. I wish I could hide myself away when my faith gets messy because I think that sometimes my faith is too messy, my questions too intense, and my honesty too raw for people. I don’t blame people for this because sometimes my faith is too messy, my questions too intense, and my honesty is too raw for me too. I ask questions not only about faith in general, or the faith of others, but also my own faith.
INFJs think deeply and complexly, we see many different perspectives, and we have deep insight into people. We are often said to be able to tell when someone is telling the truth or lying. However, we struggle to find words to put our thoughts, perspectives, and insight into words and we are often misunderstood. Sometimes I feel like Cassandra in Greek mythology. She was blessed with the gift of prophecy but cursed so that no one would ever believe her. That is how it feels like to be an INFJ when we have thoughts, perspectives, insights, honesty, questions, but can’t communicate them in a way that others understand. Sometimes we don’t even understand ourselves.
I thought I’d share a glimpse into some thoughts of my complicated mind. I’m just sort of free-writing–letting my mind go wherever it wanders. My mind works like this all the time:
I used to have discussions with a friend who often said that a strong Christian–and in particular leaders–can’t reveal weakness because it would cause weaker Christians to stumble. She also sometimes manipulated and withheld truth–to the point of deception–because, she said, “People can’t handle truth.” I disagreed because the Bible says that it’s the truth that sets us free, not comfortable lies. I think that leaders who aren’t honest model hypocrisy to their congregations. How can they expect people to be honest if they aren’t? Yet, I also know that if a pastor is honest, some congregations will tear them apart because “leaders must be above reproach.” I don’t understand why we expect leaders to have more integrity than nonleaders. If we are God’s people, shouldn’t we all live with integrity? I think many churches are caught in a Catch 22 in which leaders are taught to pretend to a perfection that they don’t have (because no one is perfect), which models hypocrisy to the congregation, but congregations hold them to a standard they, themselves, don’t live up to, and if a pastor was honest, he’d be destroyed, but if he isn’t honest, he is a hypocrite. So what’s the answer? Under those circumstances, it would take great faith and courage to be real.
Why can’t people be real? What power would be unleashed if we told the truth instead of hide it?
But what does realness really look like? Is it telling everything to everyone? The problem is that emotional abusers often find out the weaknesses of their potential victims and then shapeshift so they appear to be exactly what their victim desires. So a person has to be careful about what he says to whom and to set healthy boundaries. Furthermore, I know people with chronic illnesses who don’t talk much about their health problems because they don’t want their illness to define who they are. They aren’t nonreal, they just want to focus on what they can do, not what they can’t. I also know people who don’t reveal their thoughts because they don’t want to be misunderstood or condemned. I totally understand this.
Realness is vital to me and I strive to be real–it’s difficult for me to not. However, it’s not always easy to define realness. I don’t think it’s being nonreal to not share everything (although it could be nonreal to not share anything), but I think realness is being who you are and not deliberately living a lie. I once told a family friend that my mother had the ability to make lies sound like absolute truth. He said that he knew someone who could do that also. I said, “Really? Who?” and he replied, “Myself.” That was scary since he has always been a leader in the church. I think that there are people who truly love God and seek to follow him. I am not against believers (I am one, after all) but I am against liars, fakers, pretenders, and abusers. A former police officer, and also abuse sites, including a site that quoted a psychopath, have mentioned that predators go where the prey is. For example, child molesters will become things like teachers or clowns–that’s where their prey is. Emotional abusers prey on compassionate and forgiving people, so they go places where they find such people, which includes churches. I sometimes wonder if they go into leadership so they can groom congregations to become victims–to unconditionally love and forgive abusers without requiring repentance. Forgiveness without repentance is not Biblical. Not everyone who says he is a Christian is really one.
Sometimes it’s difficult to know who is genuine and who is not. However, I think that, as Frodo Baggins said, “I would think that a servant of the Enemy would look fair and feel foul.” Strider, who was Aragorn in disguise, laughed, “Ah, and I look foul and feel fair?”
That’s why I write about appearances sometimes being deceiving. Evil people can look good and good people can look messy. I think faith is often messy. Most of the time I am calm, but when I get to the end of my strength, I tend to be very messy. I yell at God. I ask raw questions. I cry. I think it looks as if I am angry, rejecting God, or something. It can feel that way to me too. However, in reality, I am feeling as if all the ugly dross is rising to the top, my weaknesses are being exposed, and the deep questions rip out of me:
Why do people suffer?
Why doesn’t God change things?
Why does He sometimes answer trivial prayers and not desperate prayers?
Why do evil people prosper?
Yesterday I wrote about a FB friend who praised God for finding a parking space for her, and I asked why God finds parking spaces for people but why He won’t help us with major things? The truth is that God cares about big and little things, and that sometimes there are good reasons to pray for a parking place, and I have sometimes prayed for similar things. This wasn’t a condemnation of my friend, but an honest question born of struggle: All over the world there are people who are enduring great suffering: Parents sit at the bedside of their child as he fights for his life, people are losing jobs and facing homelessness, people are suffering abuse of all kinds, and many other tragedies. Suffering hurts me. It seems a miscarriage of compassion that their prayers seem to go unheard while God finds others parking spaces. Why? In light of immense suffering, a parking space is trivial–whether someone else prays for it or I do. My prayers are sometimes trivial. I consider all the deep suffering that is happening around the world, and I think that even praying that we can move to The Emerald City seems rather trivial. Even so, I pray that God would allow us this new beginning to revive our spirits because, trivial or not, we are weary. I also want God to answer more desperate prayers than mine, and usually I don’t mind that He just answers trivial ones. In fact, the prayers He chooses to answer and the ways in which He does it is really His business and not mine. Sometimes maybe a person is having a truly awful day and could use a parking space.
(Notice all the perspectives my INFJ mind sees?)
Anyway, I think that raw questions can lead to greater faith. Last night JJ was upset at the possibility that we wouldn’t get to The Emerald City and that, in fact, we could be jobless…and homeless. He ranted, “Where is God? Why doesn’t He ever HELP us? Is He even real? How do I know He isn’t a figment of our imaginations? I’m giving Him TWO HOURS to provide TANGIBLE evidence to prove that He exists. If He is God and He is real, He can do it. If He doesn’t, I’m becoming an atheist!” I asked, “What would you accept as proof of His existence?” JJ said, “Uhm….a meteorite comes streaking out of the sky and hits our porch and it’s worth a lot of money so we can move.” I said, “Please, I don’t want a meteorite hitting our porch. It might set our house on fire or be radioactive or something.” JJ said, “Ok….so maybe there’s a knock on the door and producers want to use our house as a setting for a movie, and they pay us.” “Ugh, I don’t want a bunch of people making a movie in our house,” I said. JJ said, “I don’t care. God can do it if He is real.” So JJ waited for two hours and nothing happened. I thought, “Sheesh, God, would it have hurt You to answer JJ’s prayer with some sort of tangible presence?” JJ declared “I am now an ATHIEST and I’m going to live any way I want!” and he repeated it to his friends on the Internet. Later that night, after a bit of ranting, he said, “Even if God isn’t real, I think the Bible has good principles to live by.” This morning he said to both EJ and me and to his Internet friends, “I’m not really going to be an athiest. I was just upset.” And then he explained to his friends what he believed. He had made it through his crisis of faith.
I love messy people. I love messy people in the Bible. I can relate to messy people more than perfect people because my faith is messy and imperfect. One of my favorite (of many) passages in the Bible is Psalms 107:23-31. The psalm describes a terrifying storm at sea:
For at his word the storm-wind arose,
lifting up towering waves.
The sailors were raised up to the sky,
then plunged into the depths.
At the danger, their courage failed them,
they reeled and staggered like drunk men,
and all their skill was swallowed up.
I think the storm must have been something like the one in this video, only probably worse:
Before describing the terrifying storm, the psalmist says:
Those who go down to the sea in ships,
plying their trade on the great ocean,
saw the works of Adonai,
his wonders in the deep.
In other words, the terrified sailors were the ones who encountered Adonai–not the people safe and fearless on the shore. After describing the storm, Psalms 107 continues:
In their trouble they cried to Adonai,
and he rescued them from their distress.
He silenced the storm and stilled its waves,
and they rejoiced as the sea grew calm.
Then he brought them safely
to their desired port.
Let them give thanks to Adonai for his grace,
for his wonders bestowed on humanity!
It is something to think about.
This morning I staggered downstairs, poured a cup of coffee, and sat down to browse the Internet. After about five minutes–or maybe ten–EJ said calmly, “I got a telephone call this morning…” My heart thumping, I braced for bad news. “It was the new company. They wanted to know my size so they could have my uniforms ready.” Later, EJ received an email from the HR guy at the company: “I wanted to reach out to you and let you know we have everything in place for you to start on Monday March 9, 2015…”
Whew! Now all we have to do is find some money, find a house, finish this house and sell it, and a trillion million other things. Tonight EJ texted from work: “Dang my job is posted. Must be real.”
God sure loves drama. He loves it much more than I do. Sometimes I feel like a sailor who goes down to the sea in ships–or poor Bilbo Baggins who was dragged off on an adventure he didn’t want:
The Next Cliffhanger Installment
Since EJ was scheduled to begin work on March 9th, which is next Monday, we working really hard on the house this weekend. I painted the ceiling and stained some doors, while EJ working on hanging more drywall. Saturday we worked until about midnight and Sunday we worked until 9 or 10 p.m.
The HR guy from the new company had told EJ that he didn’t need an appointment, but when he showed up for the testing last Friday, he was told that while he didn’t need an appointment for the drug testing, he did need one for the physical. So although both test and physical are usually done at the same visit, EJ had to do them separately, which meant that we had to make an extra trip (an hour drive) and wait several days to find out all the results.
I had expected some difficulty with the drug testing because of the meds EJ takes, but he passed with flying colors. Therefore, I was very hopeful about EJ’s physical this morning. However, the doctor who did the testing wrote on the report that will be given to the new company that EJ has a restriction of not lifting more than 30 lbs. This restriction could very well be enough to prevent the company from hiring EJ. The frustrating thing is that this doctor could have barred EJ from a job that is much, much easier physically than EJ’s current job.
Furthermore, EJ has already given his notice to his current company. which means we potentially could have no income, no insurance, no medical care for JJ, nothing.
I hate to sound like “poor me, life sucks” because I think everyone has difficulties–many worse than mine. However, this sort of thing has happened to us over and over through the years. Disasters constantly hit us and whenever we try to make positive changes–even small ones–they fall apart. Stuff like this is why I am cautious about believing everything will work out and dreams will come true.
I’m sort of mad at God today and not talking to Him. Or, rather, I am yelling at Him, when I speak to Him at all, that all these problems didn’t have to happen. He could have easily helped us–today and throughout the years.
A few days ago, a FB friend posted a praise that God had found her a parking space in a full parking lot. I think, He finds parking spaces but He won’t help us with major things? I mean, why not help those who REALLY need help?
I’m losing hope and I am in a rather negative mood.
I have no idea what will happen next. I’d sigh, “What next?” but I really don’t want to know.
I expect homelessness and starvation.
I hate cliffhangers.
A Cliffhanger Life
Photo: marshaamoore.blogspot.com
The definition of a cliffhanger is “a melodramatic adventure serial in which each installment ends in suspense in order to interest the reader or viewer in the next installment.”
I really think God has a fondness for cliffhangers because not only are there melodramatic adventure stories in the Bible (such as in Exodus 14 or the story of Esther) but my family has our lives are a series of heart-stopping adventures.
Here is the next installment of our cliffhanger life:
I called the Cancer Center yesterday morning to get the results of JJ’s PET Scan. We waited for several anxious hours for the oncologist to call back. When he finally called us, he said that JJ’s scan was clear–no cancer!–and we’d go back to the regular tests and appointments of CT scans, blood tests, port-flushings, and followup appointments every other month or so. I felt weak with relief and overcome with joy. I felt like dancing.
I texted EJ the good news and he was so excited that he immediately gave his notice at work. I understood his excitement, but I immediately felt stressed because I feel as if we weren’t yet ready. There are still major things that need to happen and if they don’t happen. It scared me. So I was like this:
But I am better now.
EJ had his drug test for the new job today. I went with him and we talked on the way about how scary and stressful this move is for us. Major change and uncertainty, and chaos is always very difficult for us, but usually I am not so stressed. 
However, since JJ’s cancer treatments ended, I have felt an increased sensitivity to stressers so that everything is making me feel almost as if I am having panic attacks. I know, I know, trust God, but that is easier said than done when every time we overcome one problem, we are hit with another. Every day we are reaching “Points of No Return” and burning bridges. Soon we won’t be able to go back even if we wanted to–which we don’t. We are moving forward because we can’t endure staying where we are. We need a fresh start.
The HR guy at the new company had told EJ that he didn’t need an appointment, but when we got to the clinic the receptionist told him that the form they set him indicated that the new company wanted him to have a physical too, which requires an appointment. So EJ had the drug test, which he passed, and then made an appointment for the physical on Monday morning.
When we reached our village, EJ stopped in at the post office so we could pick up our mail. Our village is so small that there is no in-town delivery. All residents have post office boxes. When we first moved here and I learned that there was no mail delivery, “Who ever heard of such a thing? What kind of place have we moved to?” But it wasn’t long before I enjoyed the daily walk to get the mail.
Today EJ waited in the car when I went into the post office to get the mail. I saw a dreaded envelope that I have been expecting. I walked back to the car and said to EJ, “Well, do you want to hear the latest installment of our cliffhanger life? You got your Jury Summons.” He is supposed to report for Jury Duty at the end of March. Seriously?
The form said that EJ could get excused from Jury Duty for several things, including moving out of the area. In order to be excused because of a move, EJ would have to copy his driver’s license showing his new address and mail it back to the Court. Only, of course, we haven’t yet moved, and we don’t yet have a house, and EJ will be living in a hotel for a while–unless he has to live in his car. EJ called the Court to explain our dilemma and the coordinator said his new company could send them a letter verifying that we are relocating.
I said to God, “Seriously, can’t You just dial down a bit of the drama? I don’t know about You, but I’m getting all funned out.”
Pet Scans
It seems to me that whenever I am going to have a busy day that starts early, I don’t sleep well. I think the cats woke me several times in the night and then about 5 or 5:30 a.m. Luke sat above my head and poked, poked, poked me. I tried to cover my head with the blankets or to push him away, but he insistently kept poking as if he was doing some weird Cat Scan. My alarm was set to go off at 6:30 a.m., so I finally just sighed and got up. A little later I realized that the cats’ food dish was empty and that was why Luke was poking me. He’s a pretty smart cat.
We had to be at the hospital this morning at 9:15 for JJ’s PET Scan. We were told the scan would take two hours, so EJ and I went to the cafeteria for coffee and then sat at some tables in the lobby for a while. We talked and people watched. At one point, EJ saw me smile so he turned around to see why. When he saw the hospital employee with a hose connected to a backpack contraption, he said, “You are thinking about Ghostbusters!” I like that we can share humorous things almost with telepathy. After a bit we returned to the waiting room and we were told that JJ would be done in about 30 minutes–so we went back to the cafeteria for lunch. By the time we went back to the waiting room, JJ’s test was done so we all went home.
Now we wait for the results of the scan. I think waiting is really, really hard. We have been talking a lot about the possibility of JJ having cancer again. That would totally, totally suck.
Personality of Faith
I’ve always hated the in-between times. You know, the time between when something is about to happen but hasn’t yet happened. For example, it’s agonizing to be aware that there was a problem with JJ’s last CT scan but have to wait for the results of another medical scan to learn if he has cancer again or not. It’s also difficult–but not as difficult as cancer–to wait to see if you got the job you interviewed for or to wait to see if the sellers of a house you want to buy will accept your offer…and stuff like that.
I also hate living in if/then times: IF this thing happens THEN we will know which choice to make but there are so many things that need to happen that we have no idea what to do.
Last Friday EJ’s boss was pressuring him to give his two-weeks’ notice, but we can’t make any decisions until we find out the results of the Pet Scan JJ has on Wednesday. IF the results show that JJ is cancer free THEN we can breathe in relief and continue with our plans to move to the Emerald City. The next step will be for EJ to pass the physical for the new job. IF he doesn’t pass the physical THEN we won’t be able to move. IF he passes the physical THEN we have to wait for our finances to work out. I don’t know what we will do if he gets the job and the finances don’t work out and we can’t afford lodging. We can’t try to buy a house IF we don’t know whether JJ has cancer or not, or whether EJ officially has the job or not, or whether our finances work out or not. In Spring, many people start looking for new houses so the competition is fierce–which means that the closer it gets to Spring the less chance we have of getting a house. EJ might have to live up north alone for a while before we can join him, which means double payments on stuff, which we can’t do if our finances don’t work out. A lot of things have to work out perfectly–which so far seems NOT to be happening. We also have to take into consideration that once EJ starts his new job (if he does) then it will be 90 days before he has insurance. That is a long time to go without insurance when our son still has medical issues.
Because there are so many unknowns, we have no idea what to do and this makes me feel very up and down–one minute very scared that JJ has cancer again, the next minute feeling somewhat hopeful that maybe everything will work out, the next minute scared that nothing will work out and we are headed for disaster, one minute thinking that we will just have to stay here, the next minute feeling totally disheartened at that thought.
It’s torturous.
Part of the reason it’s torturous is because of the way that I am. I recently read an article called There’s Nothing Wrong With You You’re An Introvert, which described the ways that Introverts and Extroverts are different:
“[Introversion] is an innate temperament. It is not a choice. Introvert’s brains map differently. The Introvert Advantage talks about the brain composition of an introvert. The dominate pathway of blood flow is longer and more complex. Introverts use long-term memory more, therefore retrieving information takes longer…Introverts also tend to use the parasympathetic (put on the brakes) side of the autonomic nervous system while extroverts employ the (give it gas) sympathetic side resulting in more caution and less impulsiveness for the contemplative crowd…
External stimulation drains our energy. The inner-life of an introvert is already so rich and complex that outside activity raises our level of arousal quickly…Extroverts get pumped up from hits of socializing, technology and activity but introverts can easily become overwhelmed. Crowds, noise, interruptions, back to back activities and chaotic environments are huge energy drains. Each bit of stimulation takes our tank of energy down a notch until we are existing on fumes. The antidote to large doses of stimulation is to withdraw to a tranquil space.
Introversion and Extroversion can be sub-divided into 16 different personality types. I am sure there are many people who think that personality types are trivial and of little value, but I am an INFJ and we tend to embrace our personality label. I think it’s because we are the rarest of all personality types. the description of who we are is eerily accurate, and it makes us feel that we are finally understood.
INFJs are very complex people. We think deeply, are very observant, and see through many different perspectives. We have amazing insight into people. We feel intensely, are so empathetic that we are considered Empaths (people who actually feel the emotions and sufferings of others). We are very gentle, very compassionate, nonjudgmental, and forgiving, and are great listeners and counselors. We have high principles, love truth, honesty, and authenticity, and hate injustice. 
We are paradoxical, meaning there are contradictory opposites in our personality. For example, we think deeply about everything, but we struggle to adequately explain our thoughts to others. While we are very introverted, we also need to connect to others so there is a struggle between being private AND needing to connect to people. We deeply understand others, but are seldom understood. We love deeply but can also be hurt deeply. Our love of truth and authenticity is difficult to endure in a world in which people wear masks.
I mention the struggles we are having in our life in connection to my personality type because I have been thinking about how personality affects life and faith. I see nothing as simple and everything as complex so I don’t consider it to be a simple cause and effect. Many things influence and affect how we live. I also know that I am only writing a portion of thoughts that could be written about this topic, and in writing about some things I am leaving out others. However, I am doing the best I can.
I sort of think of our personality types as our foundational beliefs, our operating systems, and then, of course, we can choose to use our powers for good or bad, choosing to become heroes or villains, Jedis or Siths. I ponder that who we are affects how we believe and live. EJ just said that he thinks that everyone always lives out what they actually believe. I mean, what a person truly believes will always come out in his actions.
Many times I don’t understand the faith of others (and sometimes I don’t even understand my own). I’m not talking about theological or doctrinal beliefs, but the way we daily live out our faith. I understand why people believe as they do, but at the same time I don’t comprehend why. Ok, I’m getting bogged down in complexity, so I will move on.
I am an INFJ as well as a HSP (Highly Sensitive Person), I deeply and intensely feel my own emotions as well as those of others. I feel the suffering of others to such an extent that I almost fainted several times during JJ’s cancer battle last year. In fact, since his battle with cancer, 
I find my sensitivity to violence, suffering, pain, sorrow has increased to almost unbearable levels. I have to limit my exposure to daily news and I have to be careful about what movies I watch because suffering–even of fictional characters–affects me so deeply. The uncertainty and chaos in our lives is so stressful that sometimes I feel as if I cannot breathe. I do not think this intense emotion is because my faith is weak, but because of my empathetic personality.
Another part of my personality that affects my life and faith is my need for authenticity. When I honestly state that I am afraid, stressed, sad, or discouraged, most people say “have faith” or “be strong” or, when JJ was fighting cancer, “don’t ever let him see you cry.” EJ, JJ, and I actually find more strength in being honest about our fears and discouragement than in pretended strength. There are days when I’m strong and can encourage my guys, and days when they are stronger and encourage me. We help each other face fear and sadness, disappointment and discouragement.
I honestly think that it’s extremely difficult to know how to comfort those who suffering. Much of the time I feel clueless. I think most people (including me) are genuinely doing their best so I generally appreciate loving efforts even if it’s “clumsy.” However, parts of me always wonders, “So are they saying that I ought to hide my true feelings with a fake smile?” Isn’t that lying? Deceitful? Fake? Hypocrisy? What’s wrong with being real? Doesn’t the Bible teach us to speak the truth? Doesn’t it say that the TRUTH will set us free–not comforting lies?
I find it very difficult to pretend to be what I am not. Not being real makes me feel as if I can’t breathe–as if my spirit is dying inside. Telling people that I am struggling and being told that I need to have more faith, or to be strong, or that “everyone suffers,” or that when they suffered they sang praises every day… doesn’t make me feel stronger and it doesn’t eliminate my fear or discouragement. It just makes me feel very alone, as if I’ve been shoved into a dark dungeon to suffer alone. The friends who are most helpful to me are those who are willing to interact face-to-face without either of us wearing masks. They are people who have also suffered deeply, who enter my pain with a quiet, “I understand” and weep with me.
Or friends who calmly listen while I rage that I’m so hurt and angered by betrayal and injustice that I’m thinking of becoming a Sith. “Have you joined the Dark Side yet?” my friend asked the next day. “I hear they have cookies.” I laughed because there was something so incongruous about the Dark Side having cookies. These are the friends who best help me regain strength.
Growing up, I always heard theological teachings that when Jesus died on the cross, God split the Temple curtain to indicate that we now had direct access to Him. Not long ago, I heard from a Jewish believer that Jews have always been a very passionate people and that in Bible times they tore their clothes in grief when a loved one died. She said that when Yeshua (Jesus) died, His Father’s agony was so great that He caused the sky to darken, and the earth to shake, and He tore His clothes (the Temple curtain) in grief. While I can understand the theological implications of a torn Temple curtain, I can relate more closely to the emotion of the Father’s intense grief. I, too, would want to cause the sky to darken, and the earth to shake, and to tear my clothes in agonizing grief if my son, my only son, died. I can tell such a Father that I’m terrified my only son might have cancer again.
I understand that there are reasons not to share struggles, not every person is safe to share with, and sometimes it just gets frustrating to share deep things and not be understood. I can’t really say when a person should share or not share. However, I know that many share only their strengths because they want to display “Christlikeness.” I’m not sure how Christlike it is to wear a mask. I wonder if we’d be more Christlike if we took off the masks and were who we are. I also know people who deliberately wrap themselves in false appearances to make themselves look better than they are so they can deceive, gain position, or abuse. Maybe more harm is caused by hiding struggles then sharing them. I agree with Larry Crabb in “The Safest Place on Earth”
We often hear that brokenness is the pathway to a deeper relationship with God, but we rarely see it modeled. I sometimes think we want others to believe we know God by demonstrating how unbroken we are…Everything in spiritual community is reversed from the world’s order. It is our weakness, not our competence, that moves others; our sorrows, not our blessings, that break down the barriers of fear and shame that keep us apart; our admitted failures, not our paraded successes, that bind us together in hope.
Even though I believe that God works everything for our good, and even though I think God sustains and gives peace, I also think that having faith doesn’t mean that life is never scary, painful, overwhelming, or exhausting. I think that to expect someone to be ☺Happy☺ and ♫ filled with song ♪ when she learns that her son has cancer, or when a friend betrays him, or they face financial ruin, or the millions of other possible problems and tragedies is…illogical and without compassion.
I also think it’s unBiblical. The Bible says that “For everything there is a season, a right time for every intention under heaven…” including “a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.” (Ecclesiastes 3:1,4) I find it ironic that even though many seem to think a Christian ought to always be happy, when a Christian is in pain, he often turns to the portions of the Bible that are raw and emotional, such as Psalms and Job. Job, who is said to have had GREAT FAITH, said things such as:
“My sighing serves in place of my food,
and my groans pour out in a torrent;
for the thing I feared has overwhelmed me,
what I dreaded has happened to me.
I have no peace, no quiet, no rest;
and anguish keeps coming.” (Job 3:23-25)
“Therefore I will not restrain my mouth
but will speak in my anguish of spirit
and complain in my bitterness of soul. (Job 7:11)
“If I say, ‘I’ll forget my complaining,
I’ll put off my sad face and be cheerful,’
then I’m still afraid of all my pain,
and I know you will not hold me innocent.
I will be condemned,
so why waste my efforts? (Job 9:27-29)
Job’s friends gave him all the spiritual answers, saying the things that we, today, would tell someone who says the things Job said. Yet, at the very end of the book of Job,
After Adonai had spoken these words to Job, Adonai said to Elifaz the Teimani, “My anger is blazing against you and your two friends, because, unlike my servant Job, you have not spoken rightly about me. So now, get yourselves seven young bulls and seven rams, go to my servant Job, and offer up for yourselves a burnt offering. My servant Job will pray for you — because him I will accept — so that I won’t punish you as your boorishness deserves; because you have not spoken rightly about me, as my servant Job has.”
Job’s friends gave all the spiritual answers, yet God considered them much less righteous than Job, who was honestly raw and emotional. It’s something to consider. As I get older, I give advice less and less because I realize that sometimes the best thing to do is simply listen. I like what Rabbi Ahron Hoch said in an article about suffering:
People approach the topic of suffering from two separate perspectives. One is the “intellectual agenda:” A person is bothered by this issue and wants to intellectually understand it. The other is the “emotional agenda:” A person may right now be suffering (or know someone who is suffering), and it is bothersome emotionally. It’s important to understand that these two agendas don’t always coincide. Someone with an intellectual agenda wants answers, whereas someone with an emotional agenda is looking for relief…
…Now when someone is in the midst of suffering, that’s not the time to offer answers. It’s a time to listen and empathize and say things that can provide comfort. I did not try to give any of these people the answers we will be discussing because when a situation is so emotionally wrenching it’s not the time for answers. Rather it’s a time to show compassion and empathy and be with the person as best you can. So let me just state in advance that we will only deal [in the article] with the “intellectual agenda.” If there’s anyone going through a painful time and is looking for a sense of relief, I am skeptical whether these intellectual answers will offer any kind of relief.
Another thing that I don’t understand about others’ faith is what appears to be a belief that God will give us whatever we want. While I believe that God is good and loving and answers prayer, I don’t think He is a genii who gives me everything I wish for. Neither do I think of Him as a Grandpa God who spoils me and then sends me home with a pat on my head. I don’t think that all we need is faith and a little bit of pixie dust to help us fly. Nor do I think that God’s purpose is to merely “make us happy.” Instead, I think, as C.S. Lewis wrote,
You asked for a loving God: you have one. The great spirit you so lightly invoked, the ‘lord of terrible aspect,’ is present: not a senile benevolence that drowsily wishes you to be happy in your own way, not the cold philanthropy of a conscientious magistrate, nor the care of a host who feels himself responsible for the comfort of his guest, but the consuming fire itself, the love that made the worlds.
C.S. Lewis wrote that God’s love “is quite relentless in its determination that we shall be cured of those sins, at whatever cost to us, at whatever cost to Him.” He also wrote:
“We are perplexed to see misfortune falling upon decent, inoffensive, worthy people–on capable, hard-working mothers of families or diligent, thrifty little trades-people, on those who have worked so hard, and so honestly, for their modest stock of happiness and now seems to be entering on the enjoyment of it with the fullest right….Let me implore the reader to try to believe, if only for the moment, that God, who made these deserving people, may really be right when He thinks that their modest prosperity and the happiness of their children are not enough to make them blessed: that all this must fall from them in the end, and that if they have not learned to know Him they will be wretched. And therefore He troubles them, warning them in advance of an insufficiency that one day they will have to discover. The life to themselves and their families stands before them and the recognition of their need; He makes that life less sweet to them….the creature’s illusion of self-sufficiency must, for the creature’s sake, be shattered; and…God shatters it.”
It would be easy to say that “I want what God wants for me no matter what it costs because it will be better in the end.” I have actually prayed that prayer over the years and meant it. However, although I think God’s love is greater than I could imagine, I also think that many times it’s scarier than I want. To be honest, although deep inside I want God to love me no matter what it costs, I’m not always sure I can survive it. When facing heartache after heartache, problem after problem, struggle after struggle, there comes a point in which a person, no matter how strong she or her faith is, reaches a breaking point. At that point, when I’m utterly exhausted, I just want a break. I want to plead, “Love me less, God. I can’t survive more.”
I don’t understand faith that doesn’t honestly wrestle with profound questions about God, faith, and suffering. When faced with terrible tragedies like the Holocaust, or with a child dying of cancer, or the myriad other human tragedies, I think we ought to wrestle with questions. I don’t think questions threaten God or weaken faith. In fact, faith is often strengthened by honest questions and wrestlings. Some of my favorite psalms were written by Asaph, who was very honest with his questions:
But as for me, I lost my balance,
my feet nearly slipped,
when I grew envious of the arrogant
and saw how the wicked prosper.
For when their death comes, it is painless;
and meanwhile, their bodies are healthy;
they don’t have ordinary people’s troubles,
they aren’t plagued like others…
Yes, this is what the wicked are like;
those free of misfortune keep increasing their wealth.
It’s all for nothing that I’ve kept my heart clean
and washed my hands, staying free of guilt;
for all day long I am plagued;
my punishment comes every morning.
If I had said, “I will talk like them,”
I would have betrayed a generation of your children.
When I tried to understand all this,
I found it too hard for me — (Ps 73)
On the day of my distress I am seeking Adonai;
my hands are lifted up;
my tears flow all night without ceasing;
my heart refuses comfort.
When remembering God, I moan;
when I ponder, my spirit fails. (Selah)
You hold my eyelids [and keep me from sleeping];
I am too troubled to speak.
I think about the days of old,
the years of long ago;
in the night I remember my song,
I commune with myself, my spirit inquires:
“Will Adonai reject forever?
will he never show his favor again?
Has his grace permanently disappeared?
Is his word to all generations done away?
Has God forgotten to be compassionate?
Has he in anger withheld his mercy?” (Ps. 77)
In both these psalms, after wrestling with these questions, Asaph went on to deeper faith. In neither case is there any indication that God was upset by his questions. In fact, it seems to me that He helped Asaph work through them.
A love of truth, honesty, integrity is another of my and EJ’s personality traits. EJ has been working hard to get home improvement projects done in case everything works out and we are actually able to relocate. It’s difficult because he suffers from chronic back pain. A Christian friend told him that he ought to not worry about doing a good job, just slap the drywall up there, and let the next owners of the house worry about fixing it. But both EJ and I believe that integrity demands that we ought to do as good a job as we are capable of doing as a gift to the next owners. We had to fix many “sloppy” things the previous owners of our house did, including removing the lamp cord in the wall that they used as electrical wiring. We don’t want to do the same to the next owners. Integrity causes us to not cheat people, not to be dishonest, not to seek revenge, and so on. I cannot understand how any Christian can live without high integrity and it distresses me when they don’t.
Just for the record, I think there are people who genuinely love God and live righteously, but I also don’t think that everyone who claims to know God actually does. I tend to look at my own strengths and weaknesses as honestly as I can (another INFJ trait) and if I see weaknesses, flaws, errors, I do my best to face them and correct them rather than pretend they don’t exist. That’s all I’m really doing in posts such as this one.
I am not always sure whether I have the stronger faith or others do, but I can see how my personality type affects my life and faith. And I will honestly confess that the chaos and uncertainty of my life right now is scary and stressful and exhausting and causes me to wrestle with questions of faith. I’m an INFJ. That’s who I am.
Dreams & Nightmares
This week has been a terrible, awful, no good week.
For as long as I can remember, we have suffered difficulty after difficulty after difficulty. When one difficult ends another begins. I don’t mean this to be a “poor me” lament. Everyone has problems and many are much worse than mine. Also, I have many blessings: I have a husband who loves me, a terrific son, a computer, a house full of books, cuddling cats, and I have enough for my needs and many of my wants. However, JJ’s cancer battle especially wearied us, and we find ourselves weary, dispirited, and unmotivated.
So we decided to pursue our dream of relocating to an area where we have always wanted to live. It’s an area that has a lot of natural beauty and fewer cities. We want EJ to get out of the stressful smoky factory that is affecting his health. We want to get away from my family. We want JJ to have more opportunities. We want to live out in the country with more space, in a house that doesn’t need lots of work. We have lots of reasons for wanting to relocate.
I told my friend that we NEED this move. It’s essential for our emotional well-being. It’s not something frivolous like a bag of chocolate. She said, “Uhm, TJ, chocolate is not frivolous. Chocolate is essential.” I said, “Ok, well, maybe you are right. So this move is not frivolous like Netflix is frivolous…wait, Netflix is not frivolous, it helped us when JJ was battling cancer.” She agreed, “Netflix is NOT frivolous. And don’t you dare say that coffee is frivolous.” I told her that I would NEVER say that coffee is frivolous. So maybe this move is not frivolous like buying a new dress. “Who on earth would want a new dress?” she asked. “Exactly,” I said. “This move is not frivolous like a new dress. It is ESSENTIAL and VITAL to us. We need something GOOD in our lives, a new beginning and a fresh start. We feel our spirits will absolutely wither without it.”
In January JJ and I urged EJ to put his resume on the Internet and after a few days a company in our dream area contacted EJ. (JJ and I were not expecting any results quite so quickly.) EJ had phone interviews with two people at the company and then they asked him to come for an interview. I was originally going to go with EJ while JJ stayed to care for the pets, but then I encouraged JJ to go instead so that he could do something fun and see the area we wanted to live. He loved it there. He kept exclaiming over the beauty and saying “We have GOT to move here!” His spirit was more joyous than we have seen in a long time.
After a couple of days, the company offered EJ a job, although there are still a few hoops he has to jump through before he officially gets the job. And there are also things that we have to work through: Like where EJ is going to live until we can find a house, and how we are going to afford to pay for lodging until JJ and I and the pets can move there, and many other things. We were getting excited about moving, although we were also cautious because we have had dreams not work out before.
As soon as we began pursuing this dream, EJ’s overtime suddenly dried up. EJ has had to work overtime for years, and suddenly the company said “No more” at the very time that we really, really need extra money.
EJ’s current company tends to fire people when it’s even rumored that they are looking for a new job. Therefore, we have been very careful and have told very few people about the job opportunity. We also discussed at what point EJ should tell his company he has a new job. Timing is absolutely vital for us. However, when EJ returned to work after taking a few days off for the interview, many people asked “What are you doing here?” EJ said, “Uhhh, I work here!” EJ’s boss told him that a co-worker had found out about our plans and had laughingly told everyone one that “EJ won’t be back. He has a new job.” Since this man has worked in the company for years, this “telling” was not mere “thoughtlessness.” He knew EJ could be fired. EJ losing his job before he has a new one or before we were ready for the news to be told could cause us severe financial damage as well as affect our medical coverage, which could have serious effects on our ability to pay for JJ’s continuing medical procedures.
The potential damage is not just baseless fear, but a genuine threat. Every couple of months, JJ has to have CT scans and blood tests to make sure his body remains free of cancer. He also has to have his port flushed so it doesn’t get blocked. The port remains in his body for at least a year after his treatment ends until there is reasonable certainty the cancer won’t return. JJ had his CT scan on Tuesday in preparation of an appointment with his oncologist in March. A few hours after the scan, the oncologist called JJ to tell him that the scan revealed a shadow on his abdomen, which means that the cancer could have returned. The oncologist arranged for a Pet Scan to double-check. I can’t even begin to describe the distress we feel at the possibility that JJ could have cancer again. We wonder how we could endure going through another cancer battle.
When EJ got home from work tonight, he said that his boss is pressing him to give his two week’s notice. But we can’t do that because we don’t even know if EJ has a new job yet. And we can’t risk having no insurance if JJ needs more treatment. We wouldn’t have to worry about any of these things if it weren’t for the actions of EJ’s co-worker. He has done great harm to my family. What cuts deeply is that we know this co-worker and his family personally and had counted them our friends. Never would we do such terrible things to anyone, not even to our worst enemy.
Right now our lives fill like a tangled mess of uncertainty and stress.
In addition to all these difficult things this week, today I slipped when I was carrying an armload of firewood into the house. The wood flew up and hit me in the mouth. My mouth, both inside and outside, is ripped and bruised. It is painful and I look terrible.
It’s been a very difficult week.
We need some miracles.
Digging Out
This morning I was mean to my husband.
Well, not really.
I put on my coat, hats, boots, and mittens intending to go out and shovel the snow 12+ inches of snow. EJ said, “I don’t want you to shovel the snow. I will do it after breakfast. I’m starving.” I asked him what he wanted for breakfast and he asked, “What are my choices?” So I gave him some suggestions and told him that HE could fix his own breakfast while I went outside and shoveled the snow. EJ wants to do all the hard work for me but he suffers greatly from chronic back pain and shoveling the snow would not be good for him.
So while EJ got dressed and fixed himself breakfast, I shoveled the sidewalk from the house to the street and then I worked at digging out the Tardis Buggy and the HHR. EJ came outside and wanted to borrow the shovel for a minute. I reluctantly handed it to him but when he headed for the sidewalk I reminded him that the Village always snowblows the sidewalks so he didn’t need to do it. I insisted he give me back the shovel and then I refused to let him have it anymore.
I went back to shoveling out the vehicles while EJ began brushing the snow off them. Our neighbor plowed out his drive with his tractor and then he came over and cleared a space next to our stone wall and also cleared the driveway between the vehicles. When he was finished, he went over and plowed out another neighbor’s driveway. We so appreciated it that we gave him a loaf of the bread I made yesterday as a thank you.
We came into the house and after we had rested a bit, I went out to bring in the day’s supply of firewood. The woodshed used to be a grape arbor. A couple of summers ago we put sides on it and had hoped to put a simple roof on it, but haven’t gotten to it yet so we just covered it with a tarp. When I opened the door of the woodshed, a bunch of snow slid off the tarp and gave me a frozen shower. It made me laugh.
After EJ left for work, I planned on taking Danny for his walk, but he seemed utterly uninterested so I decided to just stay home. I was sort of tired from all the physical work anyway.
We are still pursuing our dream. We are doing what we can to move our dream forward and asking God to please handle the rest for us because here are a lot of major things that need to all come together for it to happen. We are all really excited but also very nervous. Sometimes we think we can’t do it and other times we say “We can DO IT!” This could be a wonderful thing or a disaster so we are taking a risk. Sometimes it feels to me like the old “Let’s Make a Deal” game show. Do we risk what we have and choose what’s behind the door? Or do we take a chance on a dream? It’s really sort of scary, but then I think that maybe I am ready to have an adventure.
EJ and I are not normally risk takers. However, we have felt in the doldrums for quite some time. Doldrums means a state or period of inactivity, stagnation, or slump. Interestingly, the Doldrums is the region of calm winds, centered slightly north of the equator and between the two belts of trade winds, which meet there and neutralize each other. The crews of sailing ships dreaded the doldrums because their ships were often becalmed there, making no progress. That’s how we’ve been feeling. We’ve been wanting to do something new, to have fresh winds fill our lives and move us forward.
Snow Day!
We’ve had a quite a mild winter. A couple of weeks ago we had a thaw and the little bit of snow we had melted. Then the temperatures dropped and the puddles froze. Since then Danny and I have had adventures slipping and sliding on our walks. The first day I fell down once and so did he. After that, we were more careful–although we had some close calls.
Our back yard has also been a sheet of ice. I have been very careful when I bring in the firewood. I could imagine myself slipping and an armload of wood battering me.
Last night it began to snow and it has snowed and snowed and snowed all day. The meteorologists say we could get as much as 15 inches of snow. I hope so. I think it’s about time we had some snow.
The birds were feasting at the feeders all day. I saw a few squirrels too. They were sitting in the feeders all covered with snow.
Danny and I went for our walk early this afternoon. None of the sidewalks had been shoveled so he jumped through the snow until got tired of it and then he decided to walk in the road where the snow wasn’t so deep. The snow gets packed into his paws so every now and then he stopped to pull it out. Maybe I should get him some boots.
When we were nearing home, I saw people snowmobiling down the village streets. Later the Village came through and snowblowed the sidewalks. They usually do that when it snows so we only have to shovel from our house to the street. The little gas station is closing at 8 p.m. tonight because of the weather, and a lot of schools are already closing for tomorrow. EJ just said that a co-worker posted on FB that she’s been shoveling for an hour and still can’t find her car. Ha ha!
I went outside a couple of times this afternoon with a ruler to measure the snow. The first time I measured we had seven inches. The second time EJ and Danny went out with me and we measured about 9-10 inches. Danny didn’t really want to be outside.
At 7:30 p.m. EJ, JJ, Danny and I went outside to measure the snow again. This third time the snow reached to the top of the ruler. We decided to all go for a walk to the party store. We took Danny and I waited outside with him while the guys went into the store.
The weather outside is frightful,
But the fire is so delightful.
And since we’ve no place to go,
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!
When we weren’t out in the snow, EJ and I were busy in the house. I cleared out some of the files in the file cabinet, did my regular chores, and made bread. EJ made breakfast, got a stew cooking in the crock pot, and started working on the upstairs bathroom.
The Very Last Marathon Runner
Years and years ago, before I moved out of my parent’s house, I watched a marathon on television.
Actually, I don’t remember if I watched the whole race. I only remember one scene.
The very last runner in a marathon was approaching the finish line. It was night. I suspect the other runners had finished their races hours before. I don’t remember if any of the crowd was still around to cheer this runner on. There must have been a few because the cameras were capturing her ordeal.
The runner was so beyond exhaustion that she was staggering, stumbling, and weaving across the road. At some point she had lost control of her bowels and she had soiled herself–probably more than once. She seemed barely coherent.
She was an utterly pathetic mess.
I thought she was amazing. She is more inspiring to me than all the runners who had crossed the finish line before her because even when she had no strength left, she didn’t quit. She ran on sheer guts, determination, and endurance.
She is an example to me of courage and faith.
I am an INFJ personality type. INFJs are described as having uncanny insight into people and situations. We “readily grasp the hidden psychological stimuli behind the more observable dynamics of behavior and affect. We have an amazing ability to deduce the inner workings of the mind, will and emotions of others…We see two people in everyone: The public persona, the outer shell, which everyone else sees but also a deeper sense or impression of people, penetrating appearances and revealing hidden motives and intentions.”
I shared that as a preamble to the fact that I am going to make some generalizations about what I’ve observed about people. However, I think people are deep and complicated so we have to be careful about generalizations which can be too simplistic and tell only part of a story. Because I am a personality type who has insight into people and situations, my insights might be worth considering, but because they are only generalizations, I also think they don’t tell the whole complex story of who people are. I just want to make clear that I am aware that these are generalizations.
I often see a disconnect between what people say they believe and what they actually live out. I think this is true of everyone. EVERYONE has knowledge of things that they don’t yet practice. In a way, growth is both a journey and a destination. We first must be aware that a place exists before we can try to get there. When we try to become something we aren’t yet, we are reaching for something that we don’t yet have. Therefore, we live in a state of disconnect between where we want to be and where we actually are. However, the difference between someone who is genuine and someone who is a hypocrite is that the genuine person is aware and honest about the fact that he doesn’t yet practice what he is striving to become while a hypocrite pretends that he already has it or is it. A genuine person will put effort into changing himself while a hypocrite will put effort into maintaining appearances.
When JJ was younger, we watched Disney’s The Hunchback of Notre Dame together. We discussed the question of “which is the monster and which is the man?” Is the monster the one who looks like a monster or the one who has a monstrous character? Shortly after we watched the movie, we went to our local party store and I gave JJ money to give to the new cashier, who had obviously been in some horrific accident because his face was twisted like a Halloween mask and he had a hook for a hand. JJ bravely gave the money to the man who took it with his hook. As we walked home, he asked about the man and I explained again that how a person looks isn’t necessarily a reflection of his character. We need to judge a person on who he actually is rather than how he appears.
Larry Crabb, in his book, The Safest Place on Earth, wrote, “We often hear that brokenness is the pathway to a deeper relationship with God, but we rarely see it modeled. I sometimes think we want others to believe we know God by demonstrating how unbroken we are…Worse, in many eyes, to admit brokenness means to admit a poor relationship with God. ”
I believe this is true. At some point, even though many Christians will talk about brokenness and vulnerability, in actual fact if a person reveals that he is discouraged or tired or upset, or in any way struggling, many perceive him as being weak in faith rather than strong. It’s possible that the person doesn’t have weaker faith, he just is more honest.
One woman I knew said she didn’t think Christian leaders could reveal struggles and weaknesses because it would “lead people astray and cause them to stumble from the faith.” I know many feel that way, but I think that’s arrogant and deceptive and models hypocrisy. The Bible itself is very honest in its description of people, revealing both strengths and weakness. I think people are helped more by genuineness than pretenses of perfection and that God often works through people in ways we’d never imagine.
Years ago, when JJ was very young, I suffered from chronic sinus problems as well as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. CFS is a debilitating illness. A normal person can work hard and then quickly bounce back after they rest. A person with CFS is like elastic with no elasticity. They don’t bounce back. On my best days, I could cook meals and do light housekeeping. On my worse days I would wait for EJ to get up for the day and then go back to bed. One day at church, a man (who didn’t know me well) told me that a husband needs a strong wife and I was not being strong. He felt I was arrogant for not praying for healing. I went home and wept. He had no idea the strength and faith it took to get through each day. Appearances can be deceiving. What he assumed was weakness was actually strength and faith. I believe that sometimes God heals and sometimes He doesn’t–it all depends on what He wants to accomplish in a person’s life. It takes great faith to believe God can heal, but I think that it takes as much faith to trust God through a difficult situation. I believed very strongly that God had something very important for me to learn through the illness so I did not pray for healing. I learned to trust God for strength for the moment, to praise Him in the midst of suffering, to deal with deep-rooted fears (of not being good enough), and to comprehend His love at deeper levels. On the outside my faith might have looked weak, tired, and messy but God was actually strengthening and renewing me on the inside. There came a time when God suddenly moved multiple friends to start praying for me and then He healed me, which was awesome, but I think the greater miracle was what He did within me during that time.
I think that genuineness forges a connection of understanding between people. Not only can I more easily talk to people who are genuine, but I have found that people are drawn to me when I am genuine. I can’t count the number of times that people have said, “I came to you with this problem because I know you have suffered/struggled with this and I know you understand.” I agree with Larry Crabb that “Everything in spiritual community is reversed from the world’s order. It is our weakness, not our competence, that moves others; our sorrows, not our blessings, that break down the barriers of fear and shame that keep us apart; our admitted failures, not our paraded successes, that bind us together in hope.”
I also believe that not everyone who says he’s a believer is actually one. In 2 Timothy 3, the Bible says that in the Last Days many will “retain the outer form of religion but deny its power.” In other words, they will appear to be what they are not. I have met people who genuinely love God, and I have met those whose spiritually was merely a pretense–who appear flawless, who teach classes, lead groups, say all the right things at church but then go home and abuse their families. True spirituality isn’t this way. I understand that there are reasons that a person might not reveal every detail about certain situations publicly. However, I do believe that the more closely a person walks with God, the less pretense is in his life.
I started this post describing the very last runner in a marathon race. If she was to stand next to the winner, she would appear to be the weaker of the two–a pathetic mess. But was she? The winner obviously had more physical strength and stamina, but I think it took a great deal more inner courage and strength and determination for the last runner to finish the race. And who knew what other obstacles the woman had to overcome in order to run? Her strength inspires me.
Adonai doesn’t see the way humans see — humans look at the outward appearance, but Adonai looks at the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7)
