I Love To Go A Gardening
Growing Our Life in Northern Michigan
Recovering Dreams
I have not done very well about writing lately. It seems to me that the more complex the thoughts I have in my head, the less I am able to put them into words.
Over the weekend EJ developed some sort of respiratory infection. He felt so nasty that he stayed home from work on Monday. He is still not up to par but was able to go to work on Tuesday. He generously gave his infection to me and now I am battling it. JJ might be coming down with it too. Yuck.
Last Friday I had my colonoscopy. Bleah. I got through it. One thing that amazed me is that the anesthesist told me that the drug she gave me would put me to sleep in 30 seconds. I had sort of thought that the “drug putting someone out within seconds” was merely a movie exaggeration. Not so. One minute–or, rather, half minute–she put the drug in the IV and the next I was waking up as the wheeled hospital bed was entering the room where EJ waited for me.
Anyway, the doctor said that the colonoscopy revealed three minor problems, but NOT anything serious like cancer. The most serious is that I have a pre-condition that could develop into diverticulitis, which is small pockets in the intestine. Yuck.
I kind of wonder if it’s all due to stress because I have felt heightened stress increasing–especially over the last year–and often I can feel its turmoil in my “gut.” Of course, it was stressful and tiring to help JJ through his battle with cancer. It’s been stressful for EJ at work and JJ is trying to get back into life, and I struggled last Spring and through the summer with a friend’s mistreatment and the loss of her friendship.
As I struggled with the friendship, I thought, “Ok, so sometimes friends grow apart and friendships die, and I need to just get over it and move on.” Good advice, but the problem was that I had known this friend for years, and deeply loved her, and her unkindness triggered emotional wounds that have forced me to re-process emotional abuse which can get messy. It’s the messiness that I was really struggling with. It was very difficult…although at the same time, it has helped me continue my journey toward recovery and healing. Difficult situations don’t always mean “bad.” Many times they lead to growth.
Mental health professions have described a 7 stage process of working through grief after a loss. You can read about the stages in detail at the website, Recovery-From-Grief.com. Briefly, the stages of grief are
- SHOCK & DENIAL
- PAIN & GUILT
- ANGER & BARGAINING
- “DEPRESSION”, REFLECTION, LONELINESS
- THE UPWARD TURN
- RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH
- ACCEPTANCE & HOPE
I believe that these stages don’t just apply to the death of a loved one. It applies to any loss (job, health, relationship, etc.) as well as to recovery from abuse. Within this framework, an abuse victim’s journey involves denying that she is being abused, to feeling pain and guilt as the abuser demolishes her identity, to trying to please and please the abuser, to learning more about abuse, to making positive changes, and finally acceptance and hope and growth.
As I wrote in previous posts, emotional abusers mess with their victims’ reality which makes victims lose confidence and self-esteem. The result of this is that victims tend to struggle to set boundaries, they accept blame for the abuse, they feel as if their every decision is wrong and they second- and third-guess all their decisions. When victims try to set boundaries, abusers and their supporters accuse them of being unloving, unforgiving, bitter, etc.
Emotional abusers are vampires who steal the life and hope from their victims.
Throughout the years, I have battled through the Recovery stages. Growth is not always in a constantly upward line. There are a lot of ups and downs, twists and turns, two steps forward and one step back. I find that each encounter with an abusive person has been very painful and damaging but also has taught me valuable truths and spurred me on to understanding and growth. I mean, either a person is destroyed by the abuse or she fights to overcome it and grows stronger. It’s one or the other. No matter how difficult it is, I am determined to be a survivor.
Over the last five years, I have felt an increase in fatigue as I fought hard to be free of abuse. I was probably in the Depression, Reflection, and Loneliness stage of Recovery. Then last year was really tough with JJ battling cancer, my loss of my unkind friend, and EJ’s situations at work, which included a close work friend being almost beaten to death by her son, and a guy EJ worked with for ten years killing his wife and then himself. We have felt so very drained.
My painful encounter with my friend last spring made me more determined than ever to overcome the abuse. In recent months, I have been renewing my efforts to understand emotional abuse and how to overcome it. Major steps of recovery involve learning to set healthy boundaries (which may include having No Contact with abusers and their supporters) and then working to overcome the false thoughts and beliefs that abusers bombarded us with and to learn to once again to believe in ourselves and gain confidence. I have been working on all these things. I have been understanding that I don’t have to tolerate abusive behavior or friends, I can make decisions, and I can refuse to listen to the lies abusers filled my thoughts with. While I still get hit with waves of discouragement, I am noticing more strength and stability rising within me.
Over the years, EJ and I have often talked about reaching for a life dream, and sometimes we have researched it, but we have never wholeheartedly pursued it. Part of the reason is that we didn’t know exactly what we wanted, or how to accomplish it, and we didn’t think we could swing the finances. Most of the reason is that we didn’t have confidence or belief in ourselves. We second-guessed ourselves. And third-guessed ourselves. And even fourth-guessed. We could think of many good reasons for pursuing the dream, but we also could think of many reasons why we couldn’t. If we swung the bat and missed, life could become very tricky. We kept thinking, “What if this is a mistake? What if it doesn’t work out? What if we miserably fail? What if….” EJ and I would talk and talk and research and research and get excited and then we’d sink back into “We can’t do this.”
After this last very difficult year, it feels as if we are merely existing. If feels as if energy and purpose and dreams are seeping away. Life has almost become a series of plodding on, trying to find energy to overcome daily tasks as they enter our lives. We are living passively. Sometimes we have said to each other, “We have got to do something fun, something to shake this fatigue from us and energize us.” But we aren’t really sure anymore what FUN is–and paying for regular bills, medical bills, car repairs or a new vehicle means we pinch pennies and we don’t have the funds for FUN. A lot of time even the thought of trying to have FUN seems too tiring. We do find pleasure in small things like birds, and squirrels, and walks, but we need a bigger dream before we wither away.
I’m not exactly sure how it happened. Maybe it’s because I am progressing through the stages of Recovery and gaining strength and so is EJ. In the last week EJ, JJ, and I have begun dreaming our dream again. It’s always been EJ’s dream, but it’s also become mine. If EJ and I fulfill our dream, we can also help JJ reach for his so this is his dream as well.
We want it so much that we can taste it.
We are on the very, very edge of being able to financially afford it. In fact, we could do it. There are a couple major challenges but we can think of more reasons to “go for it” then to not. Maybe this is a stupid idea and we can’t do it….but what if we could? I mean, what if we really could? Oh, my goodness, it would be heaven! However, to reach it we’d have to stop thinking that we can’t do it and start thinking that we can. We’d have to start believing in ourselves and each other. We would have to leave “safety” and take risks–like letting go of a trapeze bar and reaching for the next. If we miss the bar. SPLAT! Well, maybe it wouldn’t be the “SPLAT” that it would have been a few years ago.
I’m not going to tell you yet what this dream is because I’m not yet sure we have the strength to go for it. I fear we will talk about it, research it, make plans, and then step back from action. We are trying to encourage each other, challenge each other, motivate each other to keep moving forward. If we stop moving forward we might sink back into apathy. To accept “a life of quiet desperation” because we are afraid to take a risk seems beyond bearing. I’m afraid if we don’t reach for our dream now, we never will.
I’ll let you know how it progresses.
Frozen Fog
Yesterday morning we woke up to cold and beautiful scenery. Overnight the temperature had dropped to -16 (F). Apparently we had had fog and the cold temps caused it to freeze. It covered everything in beautiful little white flakes–not quite snow and not quite frost.
Later in the morning, it looked as if it were snowing even though the sky was deep blue and cloudless. It was actually the frozen frost falling from the trees. I, of course, videoed it. The white flakes were beautiful against the blue sky.
Tuesday morning I watched a squirrel try to access one of our bird feeders. Two times I watched him fall off the feeder in a cloud of snow. I decided to video his antics, but by then he had figured out how to reach the seeds. With the cats, Danny, the birds, and the squirrels, life here is never dull.
Accidental Fireworks
It’s looking more and more like winter here in Michigan. We now have several inches of snow–maybe five inches where we live. As usual, areas closer to Lake Michigan have more snow because of “lake-effect snow.” Lake effect snow is “snow falling on the lee side of a lake, generated by cold dry air passing over warmer water, especially in the Great Lakes region.” (Oxford Dictionary)
Overnight the fire in our woodstove burns down to embers. When I wake up in the morning, I get the fire going again–unless EJ wakes before I do. Before the wood had a chance to really get burning this morning and make the wood stove too hot, Luke found a “just warm enough” place to sit: on the “chin” of the woodstove. Leave it to a cat to find the most perfect warm place in the house.
Wind and blowing snow made visibility low today and caused two huge accidents. They were terrible. The first involved about 150 vehicles with many injuries and one fatality. A truck carrying at least 40 lbs of fireworks exploded resulting in fireworks going off in all directions. I heard that the news cameraman taking the video left his camera running and leaped into a ditch when the fireworks began going off. Here are a couple videos of this accident. The first one was taken by a witness. It shows vehicles running into each other. The second one is of the fireworks exploding.
The second accident happened a couple hours east of the first accident. More than 40 vehicles were involved in that pile up.
I’m glad that I didn’t have to go anywhere today because it certainly was a good day to stay home and off the roads. Fortunately, EJ doesn’t have to travel far to work. Still, I will be glad when he is home!
True Fiction
We are under a Winter Weather Advisory in my area of the world. We are experiencing very low temperatures and even lower windchill temps–as low as minus teens and twenties. Soon high winds will blow in and we will get several inches of snow. We won’t get as much as areas along Lake Michigan, who are expecting more than a foot of snow, but we could get enough to make life interesting. EJ backed an emergency kit in case he gets stranded along the road on his way home from work tonight.
The birds are really flocking to the feeders, perhaps doing their own winter storm preparations. Because of this, I made sure to fill the feeders this morning so the birds would have plenty to eat. I didn’t wear gloves because they were too bulky and I had to be able to open the feeders. I thought I’d be super quick, out and in again before I got too cold. I was wrong. I was out for no more than five minutes–maybe less–but in that time the cold made my hands hurt. When I got back inside, EJ warmed my aching hands with his warm ones.
Later EJ helped me bring in the day’s supply of firewood. With both of us working, we finished quickly before we got too cold. He also lent me a pair of his heavy work glove mittens so I didn’t have to wear my thinner work gloves.
Needless to say, I did not take Danny for his walk. It’s too cold for (wo)man or beast. When Danny wanted outside, I set our digital timer for ten minutes so he would not stay too long in the cold.
Our digital timer is very new; we only bought it a week or so ago. The first time it went off, it was scary(ish) because it is the exact rhythm of the Master’s drumbeat on the science fiction series Doctor Who. The Master is a Time Lord like the Doctor, but he is an evil psychopath who takes over the world. All his life he hears a constant drumbeat in his head and he uses the sound to telepathically cause the world to trust him. Here is a link to the rhythm of the drumming and here is a link to a segment of the episode that features the Master. Our timer goes beep-beep-beep-beep, beep-beep-beep-beep, beep-beep-beep-beep. Scary.
Doctor Who has a way of making common things scary. Like stone angels. And silence. And tally marks. And shadows. And scarecrows. And….now even digital timers.
I love science fiction and fantasy stories. I know people who hate it. I even know people who think that a person cannot love science fiction and fantasy and still be a good Christian. I think it’s perfectly fine that people are different, no one is the same, people have different likes and dislikes. I also think that not every story–in any genre–is worth reading or watching. However, I think a person can have different tastes and still love God.
I love science fiction and fantasy because I think deeply and complexly and metaphorically and these types of stories are overflowing with complex metaphors about life. I see them as almost parables. For example, fantasy stories, in my opinion, are not merely about wicked queens and evil witches and sorcerers. They are not merely about dragons, enchantments, heroic princes and beautiful princesses. They are about good and evil, about light and darkness, about recognizing and fighting evil, about being brave and doing what is right even if you face a powerful enemy and are scared.
And science fiction stories aren’t merely about technology. They are very often about exploring who we are and who we are becoming. They are about soullessness vs humanity. Many times they are about faith. For example, Star Wars had a lot to do with choosing good when tempted with evil and trusting in a higher power (faith). The original Star Trek series had several episodes about emotional abuse. The Matrix was about faith and choosing truth rather than comfortable lies. The Stargate SG-1 series was about breaking free from false gods. Battlestar Galactica was much too sexy, but explored faith and the question of “What if the evil robots were more human than the humans? What if they understood God’s love and plan more than humans?” And Doctor Who is drawn to humans because even though they often act stupidly, he also finds them fascinating in their courage and uniqueness. To him, people are “fearfully and wonderfully made” and they awe him.
I suppose that even horror stories can be deeply metaphoric–although horror stories have always scared me and I don’t watch them. (Of course, the line between Fantasy, Science Fiction, and Horror can sometimes get blurred.) Some of my family used to watch the B-grade horror movies when I was growing up and they scared me because those threatened by monsters never seemed able to escape. The woman either stumbled and fell, the car wouldn’t start, the road was blocked, the doors to the spooky mansion always slammed shut and locked. Also, modern horror movies tend to be too gory.
I do think monsters exist. Not walking mummies or Frankenstein monsters or the creatures from the swamps, but people who have lost their humanity and who abuse others.
And that is a good segue into my next topic.
I am going to very deliberately not write about JJ for a while because he is dealing with a Situation. Without going into details, he started sensing some Red Flags about the girl he met a month ago. It made him uneasy so he told her he wanted to slow things down. She refused and pressed harder so he ended the relationship. Since then she has been…well, it’s called Hoovering. Hoovering is a tactic of emotional abuse. So is ignoring personal boundaries. When a person refuses to accept that “no” means “no,” he or she is ignoring personal boundaries.
Because the girl has been reading this blog, I will not write about JJ or her because I don’t want to fuel a thirst for information. However, I will occasionally write about emotional abuse in general. It’s something that I have been contemplating writing about for a long time because I have been working to understand and recover from the emotional abuse in my family for years. Since emotional abuse is on the rise in the world, I think it’s important to understand. It’s important to learn about this abuse so you can recognize it, so you avoid it, so you can escape it, and perhaps even so you can stop doing it.
Emotional Abusers are what psychologists call “Cluster B disorders.” They include antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic disorders. Narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths fall within these disorders. Emotional Abusers are often referred to as Emotional Vampires because they feed off their victims’ strengths and weaknesses and destroy them in the process. I will describe the abuse in this post as a Vampire story.
I have read theories that people become Emotional Vampires because they have trauma in their past (abused, not nurtured, abandoned, rejected, etc) that caused unmet needs and unresolved pain. It causes them to have a great emptiness and a deep hunger for love, acceptance, and nurturing. It is not their fault that they were abused, wounded, damaged–anymore than it was the fault of the unfortunate victim who was bitten by a Vampire in the stories. However, a person is responsible for his own actions and a person is responsible for the pain he inflicts on others.
I think the reason that Emotional Vampires target those who are deeply empathetic, compassionate, and forgiving is that these people have exactly what the Vampires are hungry for. The problem is that no human can ever give them the love and acceptance that they crave. Their emptiness is too immense, too consuming for any person to fill. It is sad, really. However, if a person does not overcome the damage, I think he loses his humanity. He begins to care only about himself, he lies and accuses, he sucks the life from people, he destroys.
Vampires tend to feed off victims’ strengths and weaknesses and they destroy their spirit and identities. When the victim is consumed, the Vampire moves on to another victim. However, just like in the stories, Vampires also don’t like their victims to escape.
Many people counsel victims to “love and forgive” an unrepentant abuser, meaning that they should be sort of all sweetness and niceness, just let things go, and never confront them. But it’s not real love to enable the abuser to continue his evil. It’s not love to counsel a victim to try harder to please the abuser and to “forgive him even if he doesn’t say he’s sorry.” It’s evil. Actually, the more a victim tries to satisfy an unrepentant Vampire, the more the Vampire will feed off him. Vampires are so hungry they will get their needs met no matter how much they damage others. Most of the abuse sites say that emotional abusers are so deceptive and manipulative that if you find yourself to be a target of one, the only thing you can so is RUN! Don’t have contact.
The scary thing is that everyone has the potential to become a Vampire. It’s easy to try to get unmet needs satisfied by taking from others. And those who have been wounded by a Vampire can become so empty that they become a Vampire who preys on others.
It’s interesting that in the stories, Vampires do not see their reflections in mirrors. It’s true for Emotional Vampires in real life too. They destroy with lies and deception but they do not acknowledge any problem within themselves. They refuse to see or acknowledge wrong-doing. They refuse to repent. As the Bible says, “For whoever hears the Word but doesn’t do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror, who looks at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. (James 1:23-24)
A person can choose not to become a Vampire or his prey by having the courage to look at himself in the mirror. All the abuse sites I have read said that to be free, a person must face the truth. He must face the truth about the abuse and the abuser. He must face the truth about the damage done to him as well as the damage he has done to others. He must be willing to see both the strength and beauty of himself as well as the weaknesses and ugliness. He also must stop looking to others to fill his need and learn to accept himself. And, most of all, he must look to God. I think only God is big enough and strong enough to fill the empty hunger. The Bible is true: “You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. ”
I know this all sounds like unbelievable fiction. But, then, in the stories, no one ever believed that there were Vampires and monsters either.
Don’t believe me about this form of abuse? Do your own research. You can read more about Emotional Abuse in the links I’ve posted along the left side of my blog. Also, I’ve written a bit about my thoughts and story in the About Me tab at the top of my blog.
Clever Cats
After an unseasonable warm November and December, we finally are getting wintry weather. Last weekend we had a little freezing rain. It was just enough to make the roads a bit slick but not enough to cause major problems. Since then we have gotten several inches of snow and the temps have dipped into the single digits–with wind chill temps near -20.
I don’t mind wintry weather. I love the coziness I feel when it’s cold and snowing outside and I’m wrapped in a quilt near the wood stove with cats on my lap and Danny at my feet.
Poor Danny didn’t get his walk today. It was too cold. Brrrr. Usually when EJ leaves for work, Danny gets excited about his walk, but he seemed to know that we would not be going for a walk today.
Last night Timmy was sitting on my lap and he streeeetched out so his paws were on my laptop. He pressed a few keys and suddenly everything on my screen turned sideways. It took me a long time to figure out how to get it back to normal. I tried pushing buttons, restarting my computer, and searching for help. It’s very difficult to operate a computer when everything is sideways, especially since the mouse operated as normal. I mean, to get to the top of the screen (which was now to the left), I had to move my mouse up toward the top of the monitor as normal so to move the mouse to the left I had to move it up. It was sort of like patting your head and rubbing your stomach at the same time.
Anyway, nothing worked. I finally got on EJ’s computer and googled the problem and found the answer. To rotate the screen, a person has to push CTRL + ALT + plus an arrow key in the direction you want the screen to rotate. Since I wanted up to be up, I pushed the up arrow. I am still trying to figure out how Timmy knew exactly which three keys to push in order to mess me up. He’s a clever cat.
Speaking of clever cats, this morning I walked into the bathroom to get something. I didn’t turn on the light. I heard a trickling water sound and looked around for the source, thinking that maybe someone had accidentally left the faucet running. Then I saw that Luke was using the toilet. It’s always amazing to me that he taught himself to use the toilet a year or so ago. But then I realized that the profile wasn’t correct. I turned on the light and saw that it wasn’t Luke using the toilet, it was Little Bear. So now we have TWO cats using our toilet. Luke is an amazing cat because not only did he teach himself to use the toilet, he also taught Little Bear. I didn’t get a picture of Little Bear this morning, but here is a picture of Luke that I took a year or so ago.
Goodbye 2014
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I cannot believe that 2014 is coming to an end already. It’s seems like yesterday that we were entering the NEW MILLENNIUM…and now here it is 15 years later. I feel as if I’ve been sucked into a time vortex or something.
I must say that I am not sad to see 2014 go. It was a difficult year filled with difficult experiences–most of all our son’s battle with cancer. However, there were good things in it too, such as friends who were very supportive during this difficult time.
EJ has had almost two weeks off from work during this holiday season. We have relaxed…and got a few things done, and bought a used Nissan Xterra. When one of my friends–who is a fellow Doctor Who fan–saw the picture of our new vehicle, she exclaimed, “It is Tardis blue! Are you going to call it the Tardis?” I thought that was a splendid idea. So thanks to my friend, the Xterra is now officially “The Tardis.” I found a sonic screwdriver flashlight keychain on Amazon and am hoping to get it when I have extra money to keep with the Doctor Who theme. I figure, hey, why not?
We have been especially busy the last couple of days getting the house cleaned, and meals planned, and projects completed because tomorrow JJ’s new girlfriend and her mother are coming to visit for the first time. They live about four hours away in a nearby state. Everyone is somewhat nervous. I have never done this “meeting my son’s girlfriend and her mother” thing before. I’m sure we will all survive….right?
I have spent several days writing about emotional abuse. I wrote first about emotional abuse and then a brief-ish summary of my story. It was kind of difficult to write, but I felt that it needed to be done for some reason. Maybe because it is another step in my recovery and maybe because it might help others. I know that I have been helped by the stories of others, and by their support. The post is in the About Me tab at the top of the page, but you can also click here: TJ’s Story.
2014 in review
The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.
Here’s an excerpt:
The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 9,800 times in 2014. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 4 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.
December Mix
I hope you all had a wonderful holiday!
I haven’t written much in December because it’s been a busy month filled with a mixture of difficulties and tremendous blessings.
JJ began Chemo last year in December. As the anniversary of his Chemotherapy approached, he found himself getting stressed. It didn’t help that he had four medical appointments: a CT Scan, his port flushed, a blood draw, and then his follow-up appointment with his oncologist. He kept his sense of humor for the CT Scan but couldn’t summon a smile when he had his port flushed because he has to sit in the infusion chairs at the Cancer Center, which feels to him like being sucked back into a nightmare. However, the month became much easier and more enjoyable when he met a girl. Enough said.
Not long after JJ’s port flush, I began experiencing intense pain. It was so excruciating that I cried, which worried EJ and JJ because I can endure a great deal of pain with little more than a whimper. EJ took me to Emergency and although the doctor found a slight problem, he couldn’t find anything that would cause me such pain. He prescribed pain pills and scheduled an appointment with a specialist. Even with the pain pills, I felt a lot of pain, and I knew they wouldn’t last until the specialist appointment (which was more than a week away) so a day or two after my trip to Emergency, EJ took me to our family doctor. She also couldn’t really find the problem although she didn’t think it was cancer since there is usually no pain with cancer. She gave me stronger pain pills to help me last until the appointment with the specialist. I had intense pain for about a week and then it went away.
I was going to accompany JJ to his appointment with his oncologist, but he insisted that he and his Dad could handle it and that I should stay home. So I did. The oncologist was very surprised that I wasn’t with my guys so EJ explained why I wasn’t there and described my symptoms. The oncologist was extremely concerned and urged EJ to take me to Emergency without delay. EJ explained that I had already been to ER and our doctor and I had an appointment with the specialist. The oncologist said that if I need chemo to let him know and he will get me in ASAP. It’s sort of scary when the oncologist is that freaked out.
I went to the specialist last Friday and he asked me questions and did a brief exam and said that he wanted me to have a colonoscopy to make sure everything is ok. I expected that he would say this so I wasn’t surprised…Yuck. I asked him if he had any thoughts about what is wrong with me and he repeated that there is usually no pain with cancer and that with other major conditions the pain continues so the fact that my pain stopped is a good sign. The procedure is scheduled for mid-January. I will be glad when it’s over, and hopefully the oncologist’s concerns are unfounded.
We know this awesome couple–EJ works with the husband and his wife works at our bank. The guy shot an extra deer and they decided to give it to us. EJ and JJ got it from the guy and drove it to the meat market, which also does deer processing. The venison was ready on Dec. 23rd so EJ and I drove to pick it up. EJ said that the deer was small so he wasn’t expecting much venison–maybe a grocery bag full. Instead, the guy at the processing place loaded two big boxes into our car. All the way home EJ marveled that we had gotten so much venison from such a little deer. When we got home, we immediately unpacked the boxes and put the venison into the chest freezer. The next day, EJ happened to look at the boxes and saw that we had mistakenly been given one box of someone else’s venison. EJ called the processing place this morning to explain the error and said that we’d return the venison…but we’d need help to figure out what belonged to us and what belonged to the other guy since it was all mixed up in our freezer. The owner of the company said that they had already caught the error and the guy wasn’t worried because he has tons of deer on his place and we could just keep the extra venison at no charge. So instead of one small deer, we got as much venison as two big deer. Our freezer is filled with venison burger, steaks, roasts. It is such a gift!
Earlier this month, our HHR started developing some problems. I felt like, great, we don’t need this. We had planned to buy a vehicle next summer so we could give the HHR to JJ and he could have transportation to get to a job and/or school, but we were saving to pay off other bills first. We are working hard to be debt free. Since the HHR was our only car, we couldn’t get it fixed until we had another vehicle to drive….so we thought that we might as well buy one now. EJ has been searching and search for a good, not-too-expensive used vehicle for several weeks. He has several days off for the holidays so today he called about a few cars he had found on the Internet and we drove to a small dealership about an hour away to look at a small blazer he liked. After test driving the blazer, we decided it against buying it, but we found a Nissan Xterra at the dealership and we took it for a test drive and then decided to buy it. It is in very good shape and not very expensive at all so it won’t take long to pay it off. EJ drove it home while I followed him in the HHR. We have never bought a foreign car before–both our Dad’s worked automotive manufacturing plants and they were strongly pro-American. However, these days cars are made all over the world so I don’t think it’s the same. Anyway, when we got home, EJ said he loves the car.
Now we can get the HHR fixed. We’ve been discussing trading it in and getting a different vehicle for JJ. The HHR is a good car, but it has a lot of blind spots. We’d prefer getting him a vehicle that’s a bit safer. We don’t want him to have survived cancer only to be killed by a vehicle he couldn’t see. But first we will pay off some bills.
December had some tough spots in it, but mostly it was filled with blessings.
Happy Holidays!
This December has been very busy so I haven’t sat down to write. I will try to get back to writing as soon as I can and fill you in on all that’s been happening. Meanwhile, I thank you all so much for reading my blog this last year. I appreciate you all.
May you have a
Happy Hanukkah
or
Merry Christmas!
A Carpet of Birds…and A Cat Scan
Probably good gardeners prepare their yards and gardens for winter, but I am not a good gardener. I don’t do anything to prepare for winter–except, sometimes, raking leaves into the garden as a blanket for the plants. (I didn’t do even that this year.) Mostly I just let everything be in order to provide cover and seed for the birds and hawks and squirrels and snakes and, yes, probably even mice. The only thing I do is keep the bird feeders filled. Our yard is filled with hundreds and hundreds of birds feasting at the feeders.
After walking Danny or walking to the post office or bank, I always enjoy nearing my home. All the other yards look like normal yards should look…with grass and trees and occasional birds flying through. But our yard looks different. Our yard is teeming with life–with hundreds of feasting, swarming, swooping birds. When we get close enough, the birds all rise up in a cloud and fly around before settling again after we passed. I think it’s sort of magical, like a small oasis of wild life in the midst of a quiet neighborhood. It always fills me with delight and I want to shout with joy and join the birds in their flight. Too bad I don’t have wings.
I’d like to get a video of this, but haven’t managed it yet. However, I did take a video of the many birds at the feeders the other day. This is just one bird feeder. I have several other feeders nearby with just as many birds around them.
JJ had a CT scan this morning.
I often don’t sleep much the night before a medical appointment because I’m the one who has to wake us all up for these appointments and I’m always afraid I’ll oversleep. I set my alarm for 7:30 a.m. but I slept fitfully and got up earlier than the alarm. Not long after I came downstairs, JJ came downstairs. He also hadn’t slept because he was very stressed. Poor guy.
We all got to the imaging center on time–in fact, we arrived a little early. As always, I provided comic relief to make JJ laugh and help reduce his stress. I made him laugh by telling jokes and taking ambush pictures of him while EJ dozed. EJ works second shift so it was a bit early for him to be awake. JJ tried to block my camera but I got a few shots of him.
After the scan, as we were driving away, JJ said that unlike usual, this time the CT machine backed up and re-scanned part of his body. That made him worried that maybe the cancer has returned. He said he didn’t think he could endure more chemo. I’m not sure we could either….although we all agreed we’d endure what we must.
The barium shake JJ has to drink before his scan always makes him feel a bit sick, so the rest of the day he didn’t feel all that well. Friday will be another stressful day because he has to return to the Cancer Center to get his port flushed.
On the way home today, EJ said that the car was acting weird. I can’t remember what he said he thought might be wrong with it, but it sounded major. And expensive. Bleagh.
It’s sort of been one of those days.
Hidden Hawk
EJ had three days off for Thanksgiving.
On Thanksgiving we went out to eat at Denny’s. The day after Thanksgiving, we cooked a turkey in the roaster so we could have leftovers. I enjoy Thanksgiving leftovers at least as much as I enjoy the actual feast.
We kind of talked about doing “something fun” on the days that EJ had off–like maybe a return to the bird sanctuary. However, Wednesday night EJ slipped and fell as he was headed for the car after work. He was in even more pain than he usually is so we encouraged him to take it easy and we had a two-day Doctor Who marathon on Netflix. We watched the whole first season of the modern series.
Today was very cloudy, gloomy, and damp. It was also almost 60 degrees outside. When I walked Danny this afternoon, I wore only a jacket.
Before EJ left for walk today, JJ glanced out the window and suddenly exclaimed, “There’s a HAWK!” We rushed over to the window to see it. JJ saw it fly down into our yard or I doubt we’d have noticed it at all because the hawk was so camouflaged. It took me a while to see it. The hawk was beautiful and awesome and it was thrilling to watch it. All the other birds made themselves scarce while the it was in our yard. They didn’t want to be lunch. Although I don’t enjoy watching the hawk actually catch a songbird, I really enjoy observing all the wildlife that visits our yard. The hawk remained in our yard for quite some time before it flew up onto the telephone wire. It sat there for a few minutes before finally flying off.
Of course, I took pictures. Can you see it?
I also took a few short videos of the hawk. Here is one:
Happy Thanksgiving
EJ and I spent the morning quietly. I listened to classical violin/piano music as we browsed the Internet and enjoyed the warmth of the wood stove. We sipped our coffee surrounded by cuddly cats and watched the birds and squirrels at the feeders.
At about 11 a.m. I woke JJ and he leisurely took his shower at got dressed.
At around noon–give or take a few minutes–we drove off to have Thanksgiving dinner at Denny’s in a nearby town. I know that most people would be horrified that we had Thanksgiving dinner at a diner because it carries a stigma of family-less, friend-less loneliness. However, we had the Thanksgiving we really wanted. JJ doesn’t really feel up to large social gatherings and EJ is exhausted from many hours of overtime. The thought of a hectic large gathering felt exhaustingly overwhelming. Also, trying to cook a turkey dinner with all the fixings for just the three of us felt like too much work. Going to a restaurant felt as if we were doing something special AND relaxing. We got to enjoy the dinner without the work. Even though we were among strangers, we felt a great deal of togetherness.
We had never gone to this particular Denny’s before. The Denny’s we usually go to in the bigger city is a nice restaurant. This Denny’s was a classic retro diner, which felt funky and fun. The wait staff were all cheerful and relaxed. Unlike in the movie The Santa Clause, the waitress’ name was not Judy. However, I was thrilled when I asked if they had eggnog and the waitress replied, “No, I’m sorry.” We ordered turkey dinners, of course. Usually we don’t ever order desserts at restaurants because we are too full after the meal…but, hey, this is Thanksgiving, right? We decided to order desserts that we don’t make at home….so we all had shakes. EJ and JJ ordered chocolate and peanut butter shakes. I was tempted because I love peanut butter flavored food, but I decided to order a cinnamon apple pie shake. It was very good. EJ let me taste his shake and I let the guys taste mine.
As we left the diner, it was snowing hard. The snow was actually graupel, which is small round snow pellets rather than flakes.
When we got home, we had a quiet afternoon. I took a nap. It actually was a wonderful Thanksgiving.
Sometimes I think the deeper meanings of holidays get buried under the weight of busyness and expectations and obligations. Sometimes “simple” feels more meaningful to me. On the way home, I told EJ and JJ that maybe every Thanksgiving we ought to go out to eat or do something nontraditional. It was fun.
Thanksgiving Plans
Well, we survived the rain and the wind without any loss of power. Today the weather was much quieter. And colder. With a few snowflakes.
I enjoyed a few hours of quiet this morning while my guys slept. I made a pot of coffee, browsed my favorite places on my laptop, cuddled some cats, and watched the squirrel sit in the tray feeder while he ate sunflower seeds from another. When I went to the window to take this picture, I saw another squirrel eating seeds from the ground. Then I noticed a third squirrel heading toward the feeders. They were all very big and super fat–as if God had photo-shopped them. It’s probably because they have been feasting at our feeders. I know there are people who get upset when the squirrels eat from the feeders, but I enjoy watching all the wildlife that comes into our yard. Little Bear enjoys them too.
Thanksgiving is on Thursday–two days from now. For several weeks we have been discussing how to celebrate this year. We all agreed that we wanted a quiet Thanksgiving without much fuss. We all wanted to enjoy a Thanksgiving meal, but we discussed whether we wanted to stay at home or go to a restaurant. Staying at home had a lot of appeal, but that would mean cooking and cleanup. Going to a restaurant had an appeal because we could enjoy the dinner without any of the work. JJ felt that maybe we shouldn’t eat out on Thanksgiving because there is a counter-movement against shopping on Thanksgiving so people can spend the day with their families. I said that while I think that is admirable, our family also needs to have some fun…and it’s not as if it is Shabbat, which God said specifically people were not to work or cause others to work. Besides, I have a friend who used to be a waitress long ago and she said they always looked forward to working on the holidays because people were nice, and gave large tips, and everyone ordered turkey dinners which made waitressing easy.
The problem was where would we go? We have never eaten Thanksgiving dinner at a restaurant before. It googled “restaurants opened on thanksgiving” and learned that there aren’t many.
My first thought was to dine at a nice restaurant in Frankenmuth, a quaint town with a Bavarian flavor. However, it would have taken several hours of driving to get there (and back again) so we decided against it. Next, I suggested a fancy restaurant only about 20 minutes from our home, but we voted against it because we thought we might have to dress up…and we didn’t want to. EJ suggested a restaurant he had heard about in which strangers are seated together at tables to encourage interaction. That might be a fun experience–some day when we are feeling adventurous–but we didn’t want to do that this time.
We finally decided we’d go to Denny’s. JJ groaned, “Not Denny’s! That’s so pathetic!” He was thinking of the scene in the movie The Santa Clause. He is also afraid we will make Santa Clause movie jokes. I said that it would be fun…and we would only make jokes if the waitress’ name is Judy. Although, I must say that I will be slightly disappointed if they are not out of eggnog, chocolate milk, and apple pie.
Eating our Thanksgiving Dinner at a restaurant means that there will be no leftovers, which is a favorite part of Thanksgiving. So this morning EJ and I went to the grocery store this morning to buy a turkey, cranberry sauce, rolls, and a pumpkin pie. Usually we make them homemade, but we want the leftovers without the work. Actually, this was the second turkey that we bought. We bought the first when we went shopping on Sunday. Turkey is on sale right now, so we bought one to eat now and put the other in the freezer to enjoy later.
Crazy Rain & Wind
Yesterday EJ finally had a day off…so we went grocery shopping. Since we had a slow-moving morning and didn’t leave the house until noon (without having eaten breakfast), we decided first to go to Denny’s for breakfast/lunch. EJ had a steak breakfast and I had the country-fried chicken dinner. We left JJ home sleeping. EJ and I always have fun shopping together so it’s usually less of a chore and more of a fun activity.
After our meal, we went to the farm market-ish store, which was just down the road a bit. Mostly we just went for the ambience. We love the splashes of color and textures of the exotic fruits and vegetables and flowers. We bought a few things, like two large jars of raw honey, some produce, peanuts, bird seed, and so on. Usually we get a free cup of coffee at the store’s coffee station, but we didn’t on this trip because we had had a pot of coffee at home and then several cups at Denny’s.
Denny’s and the farm market store were in the larger city. After we finished shopping there, we drove to another town to do our main shopping. We were going to finish up our shopping at yet another store in another town, but we were tired and the car was too full so we decided to drive home, unload the groceries, rest a bit, and then go to the third store later. We ended up just staying home. We will have to go to that store tomorrow or Wednesday to get the things we didn’t get at the other stores…like jugs of water.
As we were driving home, it began to lightly rain. We got the groceries all unloaded before it began to rain harder. It rained and rained and rained all night long. In fact, Accuweather radar showed that our whole state was completely covered in heavy rain. It was amazing. I was beginning to think we’d have to build an ark. The rain was one reason we decided not to go to the third store yesterday.
Today was gray and rain-ish. Actually it was more damp than rainy. About mid-morning it began to get windy. The local meteorologists are saying that winds are approaching 50 mph. The wind got stronger and stronger through the morning until it howled loud enough to wake JJ. Our house is made of double brick walls so we rarely hear the wind howl. It was so windy that the poor little birds had to flap their winds hard just to keep from being blown away. And the very large fat squirrel had difficulty climbing the pole to reach the tray feeder–I don’t know if the pole was slippery from the rain or if the wind was causing him difficulty. I watched him repeatedly climb and then slide down the pole. Finally he made it up and sat in the swinging pole feeder for quite some time, eating heartily of the seeds that hadn’t yet blown away.
EJ had to drive to work in this wind. He texted me when he reached work. He said that the drive was quite an adventure. I expected there will be many limbs and power lines down. I’m hoping we don’t lose power.
I didn’t take Danny for his walk today. I love walking in the wind, but not when it’s this strong. I didn’t want us to blow away or get hit by windblown branches or debris. Fortunately, I always make sure that we have plenty of firewood in the house so I don’t have to bring in any if the weather is bad like today.
Number 9
We woke up late this morning. Well, it’s not all that late since these days I am often still up at midnight, or 1 a.m., or 2 a.m. I’m actually more of a morning person, but we often can’t sleep. Sometimes I wonder if everyone has such a long recovery period? EJ worked with a young guy who had the same type of cancer JJ did. He asked him how he recovered from cancer, and he said, “I drank and took drugs.” So maybe everyone has a difficult time. I think that probably cancer journey’s can’t really be compared since people are different. However, I wouldn’t suggest alcohol and drugs.
I made chili this morning and then realized that I didn’t have enough chili beans. So EJ and I walked to the post office this morning and then to our little store to buy some.
After EJ left for work, I noticed that the cats were going after another mouse. I think it’s Mouse Number 9 since October 31st. This is more mice than we have ever had in a whole year. I wonder if that means that the winter is going to be especially harsh? When I was growing up, we often had snow in early November, but in recent decades it’s rare to have so much snow at this time of year. Usually we are lucky to get snow by Thanksgiving.
I left the cats to their pursuit and I took Danny for his walk. As we left the house, I realized that in my distraction of watching the cats go after the mouse, I had put on my shoes instead of my boots so although I planned on going for a longer walk, we went on a shorter one instead. We have just enough snow now that it wasn’t comfortable walking in shoes.
When we got home, I saw a cat playing with the mouse. He batted it under the woodpile next to the wood stove. I thought that I couldn’t leave the mouse to decompose there (yuck) so I moved wood out of the way until I reached the mouse. I was surprised when I saw that it was still alive. I wondered if it was the same mouse that the cats were pursuing last night, but I think that one was much larger. This one looked like a young mouse. I haven’t seen the body of the larger mouse, so it must have escaped. Or else its body is decomposing in some hidden place (yuck). The cats caught the little mouse and played with it. It ran, they pounced. It cried. Sigh. I wish the cats would kill their prey more quickly. I hate these cat and mouse games. I had enough so I tried to skootch the mouse into a bag to take him outside, but I couldn’t get it in the bag. I am NOT touching the thing. I left to do a few chores. When I returned, it looked like the mouse was dead, so I started to sweep it into the dustpan. It moved a bit and even got to its feet. I threw it outside. It will either make it or it won’t. Now the cats will have to find the mouse that got away.
I restacked the wood, brought in more wood, and then put a light inside the outside cat house. The temp is supposed to be colder tonight and the light bulb generates heat for the cats.
Then I refilled the bird feeders. We are, once again, enjoying the birds at the feeders. I took a video of birds eating from the feeders that I can see when I’m sitting in my favorite place on the couch. There is a pole with two feeders near the window and one with suet back near the fence. The birds love to sit on the wild rose-bush climbing the fence. Other bird feeders are placed so that EJ and JJ can see them from their windows as well. I love how the many birds swoop over our yard.
Later, I made homemade bread because we are almost out. I make bread about twice a week.
