I Love To Go A Gardening
Growing Our Life in Northern Michigan
Happy Holidays!
This December has been very busy so I haven’t sat down to write. I will try to get back to writing as soon as I can and fill you in on all that’s been happening. Meanwhile, I thank you all so much for reading my blog this last year. I appreciate you all.
May you have a
Happy Hanukkah
or
Merry Christmas!
A Carpet of Birds…and A Cat Scan
Probably good gardeners prepare their yards and gardens for winter, but I am not a good gardener. I don’t do anything to prepare for winter–except, sometimes, raking leaves into the garden as a blanket for the plants. (I didn’t do even that this year.) Mostly I just let everything be in order to provide cover and seed for the birds and hawks and squirrels and snakes and, yes, probably even mice. The only thing I do is keep the bird feeders filled. Our yard is filled with hundreds and hundreds of birds feasting at the feeders.
After walking Danny or walking to the post office or bank, I always enjoy nearing my home. All the other yards look like normal yards should look…with grass and trees and occasional birds flying through. But our yard looks different. Our yard is teeming with life–with hundreds of feasting, swarming, swooping birds. When we get close enough, the birds all rise up in a cloud and fly around before settling again after we passed. I think it’s sort of magical, like a small oasis of wild life in the midst of a quiet neighborhood. It always fills me with delight and I want to shout with joy and join the birds in their flight. Too bad I don’t have wings.
I’d like to get a video of this, but haven’t managed it yet. However, I did take a video of the many birds at the feeders the other day. This is just one bird feeder. I have several other feeders nearby with just as many birds around them.
JJ had a CT scan this morning.
I often don’t sleep much the night before a medical appointment because I’m the one who has to wake us all up for these appointments and I’m always afraid I’ll oversleep. I set my alarm for 7:30 a.m. but I slept fitfully and got up earlier than the alarm. Not long after I came downstairs, JJ came downstairs. He also hadn’t slept because he was very stressed. Poor guy.
We all got to the imaging center on time–in fact, we arrived a little early. As always, I provided comic relief to make JJ laugh and help reduce his stress. I made him laugh by telling jokes and taking ambush pictures of him while EJ dozed. EJ works second shift so it was a bit early for him to be awake. JJ tried to block my camera but I got a few shots of him.
After the scan, as we were driving away, JJ said that unlike usual, this time the CT machine backed up and re-scanned part of his body. That made him worried that maybe the cancer has returned. He said he didn’t think he could endure more chemo. I’m not sure we could either….although we all agreed we’d endure what we must.
The barium shake JJ has to drink before his scan always makes him feel a bit sick, so the rest of the day he didn’t feel all that well. Friday will be another stressful day because he has to return to the Cancer Center to get his port flushed.
On the way home today, EJ said that the car was acting weird. I can’t remember what he said he thought might be wrong with it, but it sounded major. And expensive. Bleagh.
It’s sort of been one of those days.
Hidden Hawk
EJ had three days off for Thanksgiving.
On Thanksgiving we went out to eat at Denny’s. The day after Thanksgiving, we cooked a turkey in the roaster so we could have leftovers. I enjoy Thanksgiving leftovers at least as much as I enjoy the actual feast.
We kind of talked about doing “something fun” on the days that EJ had off–like maybe a return to the bird sanctuary. However, Wednesday night EJ slipped and fell as he was headed for the car after work. He was in even more pain than he usually is so we encouraged him to take it easy and we had a two-day Doctor Who marathon on Netflix. We watched the whole first season of the modern series.
Today was very cloudy, gloomy, and damp. It was also almost 60 degrees outside. When I walked Danny this afternoon, I wore only a jacket.
Before EJ left for walk today, JJ glanced out the window and suddenly exclaimed, “There’s a HAWK!” We rushed over to the window to see it. JJ saw it fly down into our yard or I doubt we’d have noticed it at all because the hawk was so camouflaged. It took me a while to see it. The hawk was beautiful and awesome and it was thrilling to watch it. All the other birds made themselves scarce while the it was in our yard. They didn’t want to be lunch. Although I don’t enjoy watching the hawk actually catch a songbird, I really enjoy observing all the wildlife that visits our yard. The hawk remained in our yard for quite some time before it flew up onto the telephone wire. It sat there for a few minutes before finally flying off.
Of course, I took pictures. Can you see it?
I also took a few short videos of the hawk. Here is one:
Happy Thanksgiving
EJ and I spent the morning quietly. I listened to classical violin/piano music as we browsed the Internet and enjoyed the warmth of the wood stove. We sipped our coffee surrounded by cuddly cats and watched the birds and squirrels at the feeders.
At about 11 a.m. I woke JJ and he leisurely took his shower at got dressed.
At around noon–give or take a few minutes–we drove off to have Thanksgiving dinner at Denny’s in a nearby town. I know that most people would be horrified that we had Thanksgiving dinner at a diner because it carries a stigma of family-less, friend-less loneliness. However, we had the Thanksgiving we really wanted. JJ doesn’t really feel up to large social gatherings and EJ is exhausted from many hours of overtime. The thought of a hectic large gathering felt exhaustingly overwhelming. Also, trying to cook a turkey dinner with all the fixings for just the three of us felt like too much work. Going to a restaurant felt as if we were doing something special AND relaxing. We got to enjoy the dinner without the work. Even though we were among strangers, we felt a great deal of togetherness.
We had never gone to this particular Denny’s before. The Denny’s we usually go to in the bigger city is a nice restaurant. This Denny’s was a classic retro diner, which felt funky and fun. The wait staff were all cheerful and relaxed. Unlike in the movie The Santa Clause, the waitress’ name was not Judy. However, I was thrilled when I asked if they had eggnog and the waitress replied, “No, I’m sorry.” We ordered turkey dinners, of course. Usually we don’t ever order desserts at restaurants because we are too full after the meal…but, hey, this is Thanksgiving, right? We decided to order desserts that we don’t make at home….so we all had shakes. EJ and JJ ordered chocolate and peanut butter shakes. I was tempted because I love peanut butter flavored food, but I decided to order a cinnamon apple pie shake. It was very good. EJ let me taste his shake and I let the guys taste mine.
As we left the diner, it was snowing hard. The snow was actually graupel, which is small round snow pellets rather than flakes.
When we got home, we had a quiet afternoon. I took a nap. It actually was a wonderful Thanksgiving.
Sometimes I think the deeper meanings of holidays get buried under the weight of busyness and expectations and obligations. Sometimes “simple” feels more meaningful to me. On the way home, I told EJ and JJ that maybe every Thanksgiving we ought to go out to eat or do something nontraditional. It was fun.
Thanksgiving Plans
Well, we survived the rain and the wind without any loss of power. Today the weather was much quieter. And colder. With a few snowflakes.
I enjoyed a few hours of quiet this morning while my guys slept. I made a pot of coffee, browsed my favorite places on my laptop, cuddled some cats, and watched the squirrel sit in the tray feeder while he ate sunflower seeds from another. When I went to the window to take this picture, I saw another squirrel eating seeds from the ground. Then I noticed a third squirrel heading toward the feeders. They were all very big and super fat–as if God had photo-shopped them. It’s probably because they have been feasting at our feeders. I know there are people who get upset when the squirrels eat from the feeders, but I enjoy watching all the wildlife that comes into our yard. Little Bear enjoys them too.
Thanksgiving is on Thursday–two days from now. For several weeks we have been discussing how to celebrate this year. We all agreed that we wanted a quiet Thanksgiving without much fuss. We all wanted to enjoy a Thanksgiving meal, but we discussed whether we wanted to stay at home or go to a restaurant. Staying at home had a lot of appeal, but that would mean cooking and cleanup. Going to a restaurant had an appeal because we could enjoy the dinner without any of the work. JJ felt that maybe we shouldn’t eat out on Thanksgiving because there is a counter-movement against shopping on Thanksgiving so people can spend the day with their families. I said that while I think that is admirable, our family also needs to have some fun…and it’s not as if it is Shabbat, which God said specifically people were not to work or cause others to work. Besides, I have a friend who used to be a waitress long ago and she said they always looked forward to working on the holidays because people were nice, and gave large tips, and everyone ordered turkey dinners which made waitressing easy.
The problem was where would we go? We have never eaten Thanksgiving dinner at a restaurant before. It googled “restaurants opened on thanksgiving” and learned that there aren’t many.
My first thought was to dine at a nice restaurant in Frankenmuth, a quaint town with a Bavarian flavor. However, it would have taken several hours of driving to get there (and back again) so we decided against it. Next, I suggested a fancy restaurant only about 20 minutes from our home, but we voted against it because we thought we might have to dress up…and we didn’t want to. EJ suggested a restaurant he had heard about in which strangers are seated together at tables to encourage interaction. That might be a fun experience–some day when we are feeling adventurous–but we didn’t want to do that this time.
We finally decided we’d go to Denny’s. JJ groaned, “Not Denny’s! That’s so pathetic!” He was thinking of the scene in the movie The Santa Clause. He is also afraid we will make Santa Clause movie jokes. I said that it would be fun…and we would only make jokes if the waitress’ name is Judy. Although, I must say that I will be slightly disappointed if they are not out of eggnog, chocolate milk, and apple pie.
Eating our Thanksgiving Dinner at a restaurant means that there will be no leftovers, which is a favorite part of Thanksgiving. So this morning EJ and I went to the grocery store this morning to buy a turkey, cranberry sauce, rolls, and a pumpkin pie. Usually we make them homemade, but we want the leftovers without the work. Actually, this was the second turkey that we bought. We bought the first when we went shopping on Sunday. Turkey is on sale right now, so we bought one to eat now and put the other in the freezer to enjoy later.
Crazy Rain & Wind
Yesterday EJ finally had a day off…so we went grocery shopping. Since we had a slow-moving morning and didn’t leave the house until noon (without having eaten breakfast), we decided first to go to Denny’s for breakfast/lunch. EJ had a steak breakfast and I had the country-fried chicken dinner. We left JJ home sleeping. EJ and I always have fun shopping together so it’s usually less of a chore and more of a fun activity.
After our meal, we went to the farm market-ish store, which was just down the road a bit. Mostly we just went for the ambience. We love the splashes of color and textures of the exotic fruits and vegetables and flowers. We bought a few things, like two large jars of raw honey, some produce, peanuts, bird seed, and so on. Usually we get a free cup of coffee at the store’s coffee station, but we didn’t on this trip because we had had a pot of coffee at home and then several cups at Denny’s.
Denny’s and the farm market store were in the larger city. After we finished shopping there, we drove to another town to do our main shopping. We were going to finish up our shopping at yet another store in another town, but we were tired and the car was too full so we decided to drive home, unload the groceries, rest a bit, and then go to the third store later. We ended up just staying home. We will have to go to that store tomorrow or Wednesday to get the things we didn’t get at the other stores…like jugs of water.
As we were driving home, it began to lightly rain. We got the groceries all unloaded before it began to rain harder. It rained and rained and rained all night long. In fact, Accuweather radar showed that our whole state was completely covered in heavy rain. It was amazing. I was beginning to think we’d have to build an ark. The rain was one reason we decided not to go to the third store yesterday.
Today was gray and rain-ish. Actually it was more damp than rainy. About mid-morning it began to get windy. The local meteorologists are saying that winds are approaching 50 mph. The wind got stronger and stronger through the morning until it howled loud enough to wake JJ. Our house is made of double brick walls so we rarely hear the wind howl. It was so windy that the poor little birds had to flap their winds hard just to keep from being blown away. And the very large fat squirrel had difficulty climbing the pole to reach the tray feeder–I don’t know if the pole was slippery from the rain or if the wind was causing him difficulty. I watched him repeatedly climb and then slide down the pole. Finally he made it up and sat in the swinging pole feeder for quite some time, eating heartily of the seeds that hadn’t yet blown away.
EJ had to drive to work in this wind. He texted me when he reached work. He said that the drive was quite an adventure. I expected there will be many limbs and power lines down. I’m hoping we don’t lose power.
I didn’t take Danny for his walk today. I love walking in the wind, but not when it’s this strong. I didn’t want us to blow away or get hit by windblown branches or debris. Fortunately, I always make sure that we have plenty of firewood in the house so I don’t have to bring in any if the weather is bad like today.
Number 9
We woke up late this morning. Well, it’s not all that late since these days I am often still up at midnight, or 1 a.m., or 2 a.m. I’m actually more of a morning person, but we often can’t sleep. Sometimes I wonder if everyone has such a long recovery period? EJ worked with a young guy who had the same type of cancer JJ did. He asked him how he recovered from cancer, and he said, “I drank and took drugs.” So maybe everyone has a difficult time. I think that probably cancer journey’s can’t really be compared since people are different. However, I wouldn’t suggest alcohol and drugs.
I made chili this morning and then realized that I didn’t have enough chili beans. So EJ and I walked to the post office this morning and then to our little store to buy some.
After EJ left for work, I noticed that the cats were going after another mouse. I think it’s Mouse Number 9 since October 31st. This is more mice than we have ever had in a whole year. I wonder if that means that the winter is going to be especially harsh? When I was growing up, we often had snow in early November, but in recent decades it’s rare to have so much snow at this time of year. Usually we are lucky to get snow by Thanksgiving.
I left the cats to their pursuit and I took Danny for his walk. As we left the house, I realized that in my distraction of watching the cats go after the mouse, I had put on my shoes instead of my boots so although I planned on going for a longer walk, we went on a shorter one instead. We have just enough snow now that it wasn’t comfortable walking in shoes.
When we got home, I saw a cat playing with the mouse. He batted it under the woodpile next to the wood stove. I thought that I couldn’t leave the mouse to decompose there (yuck) so I moved wood out of the way until I reached the mouse. I was surprised when I saw that it was still alive. I wondered if it was the same mouse that the cats were pursuing last night, but I think that one was much larger. This one looked like a young mouse. I haven’t seen the body of the larger mouse, so it must have escaped. Or else its body is decomposing in some hidden place (yuck). The cats caught the little mouse and played with it. It ran, they pounced. It cried. Sigh. I wish the cats would kill their prey more quickly. I hate these cat and mouse games. I had enough so I tried to skootch the mouse into a bag to take him outside, but I couldn’t get it in the bag. I am NOT touching the thing. I left to do a few chores. When I returned, it looked like the mouse was dead, so I started to sweep it into the dustpan. It moved a bit and even got to its feet. I threw it outside. It will either make it or it won’t. Now the cats will have to find the mouse that got away.
I restacked the wood, brought in more wood, and then put a light inside the outside cat house. The temp is supposed to be colder tonight and the light bulb generates heat for the cats.
Then I refilled the bird feeders. We are, once again, enjoying the birds at the feeders. I took a video of birds eating from the feeders that I can see when I’m sitting in my favorite place on the couch. There is a pole with two feeders near the window and one with suet back near the fence. The birds love to sit on the wild rose-bush climbing the fence. Other bird feeders are placed so that EJ and JJ can see them from their windows as well. I love how the many birds swoop over our yard.
Later, I made homemade bread because we are almost out. I make bread about twice a week.
Haircuts!
JJ had been urging me to make him an appointment to get his hair cut, so I finally did. As usual, I made an appointment for me as well. It saves time and trips that way. I haven’t had my hair cut since May 2013. I made an appointment for this morning. Of course, after I made the appointment, the meteorologists began predicting snow. The forecast kept changing, but we were on the edge of Not Too Much Snow (1-3 inches) and Quite a Bit (6-10 inches). I had planned to drive JJ myself, but even though he was really tired, EJ offered to drive us because he knows I hate driving if the weather is bad. He is a superb driver in all kinds of weather. We ended up only getting maybe an inch of snow, but EJ drove us anyway. He is my hero.
We adore the couple who cut our hair. They are a husband and wife who have been cutting our hair since JJ was quite young. They converted their attached garage into a beauty salon some time before we met them. Usually Linda cuts my hair and Bob cuts JJ’s…and sometimes EJ’s. (Most of the time, EJ just buzzes off his own hair.) Bob and Linda are truly the most awesome, loving people. They always give us lots of hugs and they keep us in their prayers. As we drove away today, JJ said, “They feel like they are grandparents.”
Before we left, I took a picture of Bob, Linda, and JJ. I was going to ask if I could share their picture here, but we got to talking and then I forget. I don’t want to share their picture without their permission because some people (like me) hate getting our pictures taken. I will share JJ’s picture though. JJ looks tremendous with his new haircut, so we took his picture when we got home.
We were all really tired because none of us slept well, so after we got home, we all took naps. After EJ left for work, I took Danny for his walk. We took a shorter route and I didn’t let Danny meander as long as he usually does because the strong wind kept slapping my face with a cold hand. Brrrrr. When we finally got home, the heat of the wood stove felt extra wonderful. Our cat Luke agrees. His new favorite sleeping place is underneath it. I would sleep there too if I fit.
Last week I took JJ to the doctor because he wanted to discuss a few things. I suggested he go to the oncologist, but he finds it difficult to go to the Cancer Center, so he wanted to visit our family doctor. That’s fine. The doctor ordered a few tests to make sure all is good, and she also diagnosed JJ with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. PTSD was once called shell shock or battle fatigue syndrome. It can develop after a person has experienced or witnessed a traumatic or terrifying event in which serious physical harm occurred or was threatened. I read that families of victims can also develop PTSD.
Emotionally, I almost think that the Recovery Period is more difficult than the actual cancer treatments. We had the faith, strength, courage, and sense of humor to do what we had to do and go where we had to go for the medical appointments, chemotherapy, and surgeries, but once they were over, we seemed to have physically and emotionally crashed. We seem to have no reserves of strength and are easily depleted, overwhelmed, and stressed. Sometimes we suffer from insomnia. I find myself unusually emotional if I get too depleted, including occasional crying, feeling more touched by others’ suffering, and feeling less tolerance towards those who are unkind. Not every day is like this, of course. Many days we do relatively well. Occasionally, we had a difficult day, especially when there is more problems. We are helping each other through this stretch with patience and kindness, but recovery is taking longer than we expected. We always thought that the cancer battle was over when the treatments ended, but we are finding that that is not necessary true.
The Reese’s Cup Wrapper
It did not rain today, but dark, dramatic clouds filled the sky. It was beautiful.
I love the different moods of the days and seasons.
On Halloween night, kids often drop candy and wrappers as they go from house to house gathering sweet loot. In the days and weeks that follow, they continue to drop wrappers as they consume their candy as they play outdoors.
Walking Danny in the days and weeks after Halloween is a challenge. Danny’s leash is retractable and when we walk near houses I have him on a shorter leash but in wilder areas, I let him wander on a longer leash. He loves to wander about, sniffing this and that. Usually, that’s no problem and I can let him sniff about without paying close attention. However, after Halloween, Danny pretends to wander innocently as he sniffs out candy and candy wrappers. He can remember the location of a piece of candy from day-to-day. I tend to forget until he’s meandered over to it the next day and begins to eat it.
Today, Danny wandered around in the field and appeared with a sucker stick in his mouth. I exclaimed, “No, Danny!” and pulled it out of his mouth. As we continued on our walk, he found a few dropped items that he gobbled down before I could see what they were. Then I saw a Reese’s Cup wrapper on the ground. He grabbed it before I could stop him. “No, Danny! No!” I yelled. I tugged it, but he refused to let go. He only obeys when he wants to, which is most of the time but not all of the time. We had a stubborn tug-of-war on the sidewalk. I tried to open his mouth but he gritted his teeth. Finally, I got him to drop the wrapper and I pulled him away. Usually I pick up litter, but I couldn’t grab the wrapper and keep Danny from it too. Danny will find the Reese’s wrapper tomorrow or the next day when I’ve forgotten all about it.
I can’t really blame Danny for not wanting to let go of the Reese’s Cup wrapper. I love Reese’s Cups too, and if I had one in my mouth, I would not easily let go either.
Eventually the snow will cover the candy wrappers or the wind will blow them away, and we can go back to non-vigilant wandering.
Misty November
Yesterday as Danny and I were nearing the end of our walk, about a block away from home, I saw our cat Rikki-Tikki-Tabby walking down the sidewalk toward us. When he reached us, I picked him up and gave him lovings as we continued on toward home. Rikki used to sometimes follow us on our walks. If he continued to followed us too far, I always turned around toward home. I didn’t want him to get too far from home or too near a busier street. One day I encountered an elderly lady who lives on our route. She said, “Are you the one who walks her cat? I told my sister, who lives on the other side of town, about your cat who goes on walks with you!”
Last night after EJ got home from work, we were surfing the Internet on our laptops and talking when EJ suddenly said he couldn’t stand hearing the distressed mouse. I hadn’t even heard it until he spoke up. This, for those who are counting, is mouse #6. EJ got up and put the live mouse in a can and took it outside. My guys are a bit more compassionate toward the mice than I am. Whenever I see a mouse in the house, I think not only of the rat infestation in the movie of Ratatouille but also of the Black Death, which killed 75 to 200 million people during the years 1346–53. It is thought to have been spread by fleas on rats. I also think of the children’s story in which the Pied Piper agreed to rid a town of a horde of rats and ended up stealing the town’s children as well. Ok, those stories are all about rats, but mice are practically rats and they also are not safe. I have a policy: Rodents and insects are safe as long as they remain outside. I think they are cute and I have compassion for them if they stay outside. If they come into my house, that is a different story.
Anyway, I asked EJ where he dumped out the mouse. He said he stood on the front porch and tossed the mouse near the car. He thought the mouse was probably safe enough….unless it hit the stone wall. “Well, I did accidentally throw it kind of high into the air…but it probably was ok.” He continued on, “Although, I did hear it thud as it hit the stone wall….So maybe it’s not ok. Maybe it’s dead.”
I laughed…not at the thought of an injured mouse, but at EJ’s description beginning with the likelihood of the mouse being alive and ending with it, well, maybe not. I glanced around for the possibly dead mouse after Danny and I got home from our walk today, but didn’t see any body. Of course, there are a lot of leaves all around so it might have blended in. And Something might have eaten it.
I hate these mice. When it comes to mice, I am completely on the side of the cats.
I almost didn’t take Danny for his walk because it was rainy-ish, but he told me he REALLY wanted a walk today. I knew a few “words” in the dog language. I had a dog named K.D. when I was a child. K.D. is pronounced Kay-Dee. She was named after my brother’s initials (first and middle names) since he brought her home to our family. K.D. taught me that gruntings mean “I love you.” I learned from K.D. that if you listen to a dog’s little gruntings when she’s giving you lovings and if you grunt them back, the dog always licks your face in joy. Danny always gives emphatic sneezes when he strongly wants something. (Hey, what can I say? I always wanted to be Doctor Doolittle and talk to the animals.) Today Danny put his head on my lap and grunted “I love you” and then he sneezed emphatically several times with pleading eyes–so I knew he really, really wanted to go for a walk today and I had to take him.
The weather was very gray and it was misty. As we walked, I kept thinking, “One misty, moisty morning when cloudy was the weather…” That is actually the first lines of an old nursery rhymes. It goes:
One misty, moisty, morning,
When cloudy was the weather,
There I met an old man
All clothed in leather
All clothed in leather,
With a cap under his chin.
How do you do?
And how do you do?
And how do you do again?
I was thinking of only taking Danny for a very short walk because I thought it might rain, but we ended up walking almost the whole route. A little grayness and mistiness never hurts anyone. As we neared home, the mist turned into a light rain so we skipped the last block. We had a really enjoyable walk. The leaves are completely gone now…well, except for a few trees who are stubbornly holding on. The day looked completely Novemberish. I used to think November was drab and depressing, but now I love all the moods of all the seasons. The pictures below were taken between 2 p.m. and 3 p.m. today.
Mouse-capades
Last weekend–from Friday to Sunday–we have had FIVE mice in the house. That is the most mice we have ever had in our house in such a short time. Usually there are weeks or months between mouse sightings and killings.
I already wrote about the three mice on Halloween. Saturday morning I found a fourth dead mouse. Sunday afternoon I went out into the kitchen to wash dishes and a mouse scurried across the floor. The cats who followed me into the kitchen ran after it and chased it under the stove. All afternoon, Little Bear sat in the kitchen and waited for the most to come out. It was interesting watching his stealthy hunting technique. Ok, so mostly he just sat and waited, but I thought his patient watchfulness was remarkable. When the mouse hadn’t come out by evening, I decided to help things along by moving the stove. I am an accessory to mouse killings. I think mice are only cute in cartoons and theme parks. Whenever I start to feel sorry for a mouse, I think of the scene in the movie Ratatouille in which a horde of rats fell out of the old lady’s ceiling. Imagining hordes of disease-laden rodents multiplying in my walls causes me to lose all sympathy for the little vermin. Shudder.
So I moved the stove and Little Bear and a couple other cats moved in. Scared, the mouse ran for it with the cats in hot pursuit. The mouse was able to get into an inaccessible spot behind a loose baseboard. I could tell exactly where he was because the cats gathered in that area. So I kicked the baseboard (further down, not where the mouse was) hoping to scare him out of hiding. He didn’t come out, so I moved the baseboard. The mouse was not moving. I had either stunned him or killed him. The cats grabbed him and took turns swatting him around the floor like a game of mouse soccer ball. Then Luke swatted the for-sure completely dead mouse and he slid out of reach under the refrigerator. Seriously? Under the fridge? I could not let a mouse decompose under the fridge. I didn’t want to try to move the fridge so I looked around for something long and thin to stick under it and sweep the mouse out. I worked for about 10 minutes, sweeping all sorts of milk lids and rings that the cats had played with from under the fridge before I finally got the mouse out. I swept him into the dustpan with the broom and threw him outside. If this keeps up, we will have a whole pile of mouse skeletons in our yard by Spring.
Tangled Trip Into Mordor
Writing about topics such as abuse feels to me like journeying through Mordor: it’s like journeying through a dark place filled with evil things. There are many different perspectives about writing about abuse. Some people believe that you shouldn’t write about it because it involves speaking evil of others and it can bring public humiliation. Others believe that abusers gain power through secrecy so it’s best to bring abuse out into the open in order to defeat it. In addition, honesty about abuse can educate others and help them escape it. Also, sharing experiences can help a person process the pain and damage and begin to heal. However, there are also those who seem to get stuck in their pain and never move on to healing. My INFJ eyes see all these perspectives and I see truth in all of them so I really don’t know whether it’s best to speak or be silent. Maybe all these are necessary parts of the healing process, part of recognizing and dealing with the damage. Maybe everyone needs to make the difficult journey to Mordor to overcome the abuse that “rules them all” and bring closure. But no one should thoughtlessly journey to Mordor or build their home there.
Sometimes when I have had a brush with abusive-type behavior, I feel myself yanked back into turmoil and I have to re-process it, battle self-doubt, and regrasp truth. I’ve learned that an INFJ needs to verbalize things in order to process it–either through talking or writing it out. It certainly has been true for me. Sometimes I feel as if toxic turmoil begins to fill me until I can dump it out in writing, which is why I am writing this. But I try to be careful and not write too many details, and I do not want to stay here for very long. I want to leave Mordor behind and get back to writing about my Hobbit-ish life in the Shire.
Emotional abusers (narcissists, sociopaths, etc.) are dangerous shapeshifters who create “false realities in which the false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity. I was trying to figure out how to describe such people and then I came across an article that describes the techniques that abusers use. The article is called 23 Covert Emotional Manipulation Techniques. It’s worth reading.
Mother Gothel in the movie Tangled is an excellent example of an emotionally abusive mother. It’s interesting to observe her actions and to see its affects on Rapunzel. Rapunzel’s face and body language speaks volumes. Deep down Rapunzel knows she is being abused, but she struggles to fight it…until the end of the movie, when she finally understands what’s happening. When Gothel realizes that Rapunzel has discovered the true, she releases her rage. This movie, though very humorous, is deadly serious.
Rapunzel’s battle with guilt, self-doubt, and self-blame is a struggle victims have. Flynn’s manipulation in the following scene is also part of the abuse: Many abusers are able to deceive others who end up contributing to the abuse by urging the victim to reconcile with her abuser.
Many fairy tales are actually stories about abuse. Rapunzel, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Giselle (in the movie Enchanted) are all stories about abuse, describing how the victims were affected by it, grew to recognize it, and then courageously fought to be free of it. The evil queens’ enchanting offers, their shapeshifting masks, and their draconic rage when confronted are manipulative tactics.
“Sometimes fairy stories say best what needs to be said.” ~ C.S. Lewis
“Fairy tales are more than true: not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.” ~ Neil Gaiman
Because a victim’s self-confidence, perceptions, and identity has been attacked, it takes a lot to recover from it. I have found that learning about Personality Tests has helped me in two ways. First, it helps me to recognize my unique gifts and strengths. Secondly, it helps me to understand my weaknesses so I can strengthen my ability to recognize, avoid, or deal with emotional abuse. INFJ types seem to attract them, so this is important.
The problem with emotional abuse is that it fills a victim with self-doubt and blame. A victim is made to feel that she can’t handle life, she has more flaws than strengths, everything is her fault, she is over-reacting, things didn’t happen the way she said, etc. So she looks at herself and thinks, “Am I over-reacting? Are my boundaries cruel? Am I wrong to be angry? Am I unforgiving and unloving? Did I cause them pain? Am I the monster?”
I find that truth helps cut through the distorted reality of manipulation. A victim cannot free herself from abuse if she can’t see things as they really are and if she is powerless to set boundaries. The truth is that everyone has weaknesses. Everyone sometimes gets angry, sometimes over steps boundaries, sometimes is selfish, sometimes is emotionally messy, sometimes needs help, sometimes engages in self-pity, or is sometimes a jerk. Sooner or later, everyone will fail. This doesn’t make a person an abuser. It makes them human. So what is an abuser? I think the difference between a fallible human and an abuser is frequency and intensity. (It’s similar to the difference between occasionally having a glass of wine and being an alcoholic.) An abuser will have a lifestyle of abusiveness. He
- will have little or no true empathy or compassion
- will not consider how his words and actions affect others
- will focus on their own problems and not listen to others
- will not allow others the freedom to be different or to disagree,
- will shift blame so that it’s always your fault and not theirs.
- will feel you can’t handle truth so you need them to protect you (by distorting or hiding truth).
- will frequently criticize you and try to fix your flaws–sometimes very nicely
- will insult and belittle–sometimes very nicely
- will quickly and dramatically change their behavior if you do not respond as they wish
- will ignore and/or invade boundaries
- will grow angry if you challenge them
Even with a list like this, it’s hard to tell the differences between a person having a temporary “bad day” and an emotional abuser. It’s important to recognize abusive people so you don’t become a victim, but it can be difficult because the abuser wears a mask. So I think it’s important to know how to set good boundaries, to decide which behaviors are acceptable or unacceptable. While we should be willing to be compassionate and understanding, some behaviors (such as insults and lies) are always unacceptable. To me, one huge sign of an abuser is whether or not a person is willing to acknowledge his own wrongs. We all fail, we all say or do things we shouldn’t, but an abuser will always shift blame.
Ok. Now that I have battled through Mordor and re-processed the ring of abuse, I can go back to my regular Hobbit-ish life.
She Understands. She Doesn’t Comprehend.
One of our favorite TV series is a science fiction show called Firefly. It ran for only one season (2002-2003) but developed a cult following. As Wikipedia describes it, “The show explores the lives of a group of people who fought on the losing side of a civil war and others who now make a living on the outskirts of society, as part of the pioneer culture that exists on the fringes of their star system. In this future, the only two surviving superpowers, the United States and China, fused to form the central federal government, called the Alliance, resulting in the fusion of the two cultures.” One of the characters is River, a child prodigy, whose brain was subjected to experiments at the hands of Alliance scientists at a secret government institution. As a result, she appears crazy. It is later revealed that she is one who possesses telepathic abilities. She wasn’t crazy, she just knew and felt more than she could express. Her brother Simon gave up a career as a highly successful trauma surgeon to rescue her from the Alliance and as a result of this rescue they are both wanted fugitives. In the pilot episode, Simon joined the crew as a paying passenger with River smuggled on board as cargo.
I love all the characters in Firefly, but I think I most closely identify with River. I think she was an INFJ personality type because she was very complex, intelligent, and insightful but couldn’t articulate her thoughts. She felt everything. As her brother explained, “She couldn’t not feel.” She could fight fiercely when she needed to protect her loved ones. In one episode she said, in referring to herself, “She understands. She doesn’t comprehend.” That has been coming to my mind a lot lately. There are many things that I understand about people. I understand their thoughts, motives, sufferings, behavior, and reactions. However, sometimes I don’t comprehend.
INFJ Personality types are not easy to understand because we are so deep and complex and we see and connect information that others can’t. We think so many things that we aren’t always able to put it all into words. And while we are gentle and caring, we also tend to be private and introspective. We hate conflict, but are very protective. I believe we are filled with paradoxes.
We INFJs tend to attract emotional bullies and abusers. One site said abusers love empaths (people who are highly in tune with others’ emotions). They seek us because they are drawn to our emotionally sensitive traits. They have an ability to become what we most want or need in order to “hook” us. It’s only later, after we are under their control, that they reveal their true selves. EJ says that sometimes it feels as if there has been a parade of crazily difficult people through our lives.
This post is not about emotional abusers and the damage they cause. Other sites describe that. This post is about trying to figure out how to recognize them, and how to guard against them, and how to heal from them. No. That’s not quite it either. This post is about behaviors that I understand but do not comprehend. It’s about behaviors that I recognize that I can no longer tolerate. For years I gave love and understanding to people who lied, insulted, belittled, excessively controlled, and manipulated, creating a false reality that filled me with self-doubt and uncertainty. I accepted the false blame that was shifted onto me as I tried to reconcile with people who wanted only to control my beliefs, thoughts, and actions. When I tried to set boundaries, they ignored and invaded them, not allowing ME to be different than THEY. Sometimes I almost lost who I was. I have a deep love for the wounded and suffering ones, but gradually I have come to realize that just because someone’s pain is understandable it doesn’t mean his behavior is acceptable.
No matter how deeply wounded a person is, he doesn’t have the right to disrespect, manipulate, and hurt others. Caring, understanding, empathy, forgiveness and repentance must flow two ways. I hate the meme that states that we are to “forgive people who are not sorry.” While it’s important to not become filled with hatred, it’s also important to recognize that the Bible never says we are to forgive the unrepentant (not sorry) person. Luke 17:3-4 says “Watch yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. Also, if seven times in one day he sins against you, and seven times he comes to you and says, ‘I repent,’ you are to forgive him.” Forgiveness is dependent on the offender’s repentance. Biblical repentance, by the way, doesn’t mean a simple “I’m sorry” and then continuing in the wrong behavior. It means turning from the behavior. It means change.
Furthermore, after describing that in the last days “People will be self-loving, money-loving, proud, arrogant, insulting, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, uncontrolled, brutal, hateful of good, traitorous, headstrong, swollen with conceit, loving pleasure rather than God, as they retain the outer form of religion but deny its power” 2 Timothy 3:2-5 goes on to warn, “Stay away from these people!”
“Forgiving those who are not sorry” gives power to the abuser and allows him to continue to torment his victims. It takes away a victim’s power to set boundaries and stop the abuse. I endured years of emotional turmoil because of statements like these, I continued to try harder and harder and harder to love enough and forgive enough to reconcile with someone who said that all my efforts to reconcile were a mere drop in a teacup and no matter how hard I tried, she’d never forgive me (for not accepting her control). Understand that a healthy person will be willing to recognize and acknowledge his own wrongdoing. He will be genuinely repentant if he causes you pain. I always ask a person to forgive me if I have hurt him–even inadvertently. However, I have been learning not to accept blame that is falsely shifted onto me.
Sometimes I feel caught in a sort of illogical logic loop–like Norman, one of Harry Mudd’s androids in Star Trek. I want to cry “Illogical! Illogical!” as my brain smokes and shuts down because of illogical things that don’t make sense. While I understand that abusive people exist, I still struggle to comprehend why they seek to cause suffering to others. I understand but cannot comprehend how people can be so offended and hurt by the very sorts of things they inflict on others. I cannot comprehend why they cannot give to others the very things they are desperate to have. I cannot comprehend how people can only see from their own perspective or why they are so blind to the damage their words and actions do to others. I cannot comprehend why they can’t understand that if others’ criticisms hurt them, their criticism likely also hurts others.
Ok. This isn’t really what I intended to write. I have been thinking so deeply about so many different things relating to this subject that I cannot really explain them. That, too, is an INFJ trait. We are like this:
Perhaps it’s enough to simply say
She understands.
She doesn’t comprehend.
Although, maybe, I understand and comprehend more than I realize. Not everyone is good-hearted. There are behaviors that are unacceptable. I will not accept people treating my unique differences like flaws. (I am not too quiet and I don’t think too much.) My boundaries need to be respected. I will accept responsibility only for wrongs that I am actually guilty of. And I will let someone go if they can’t treat me with kindness and respect.
Maybe…
She understands.
She does comprehend.
Species and Breeds
This is a more serious post than usual. Sometimes it is helpful for me to write out my deep thoughts, especially if I am wrestling with something. A few months ago, a friend hurt me deeply at a time when I did not have the physically, emotionally and spiritually exhausted–right after JJ’s cancer treatment ended. The situation with my friend has caused me a lot of heartbreak because we were friends for a long time and I love(d) her very much. In the process of coming to terms with this, a lot of emotions have been resurfacing. I have been pondering the ways in which people are different, how we treat those who are different from us, and many other things.
This will probably be a two-part post. I will start by discussing zoology.
Zoologists group animals according to species, breeds, etc. There is a difference between the species of dogs and cats. They are different species and have different characteristics and behaviors. Cats, for example, aren’t much good at taking long walks on a leash. Neither are they suitable for guarding homes against thieves. However, cats don’t usually ask to go outside to pee at 1 a.m., they are great mousers, and, BEST OF ALL, they purr. My dog is totally oblivious to mice. I don’t even know if he knows what they are. Some people label themselves cat or dog people, according to which animals they prefer. I enjoy both because I value their differences. I don’t expect my cats to behave like a dog or my dog to act like a cat.
Source: conchokennelclub.org
Within each species are different breeds. Our veterinarian has a poster of dog breeds in one of his exams rooms. We love looking at them every time we take a pet to the vet, reading aloud the characteristics of each breed. Some breeds are large, others are small. Some dogs are bred to be protective, others to herd animals, others to hunt, others to run, and others to cuddle on your lap. Some bark a lot; others (like Danny) hardly bark at all.
Within each breed, there are differences in temperament. Some dogs are naturally more playful or friendly. Others, not so much. Temperament is also developed by how the dog was raised. For example, an abused dog will behaved differently–either more timid or more aggressive, depending on its personality–than one who grew up in a loving home.
Knowing the species and breed and temperament of an animal helps us to understand its behavior and help a person choose the best type and breed of animal for themselves. I once had a co-worker who loved to run. She bought a whippet, a medium-sized dog who was born to run, so they could run together. It was a perfect match.
The reason why I have just spent all this time discussing animal species, breeds, and temperaments is because in recent months EJ and I have been pondering and discussing personality types and I see similarities between zoological classifications and personality types. This is a topic that is very interesting to me.
I think people can be divided into two “species”: Extrovert and Introvert. They are as different as….uhm….dogs and cats. They each have unique strengths and gifts…as well as weaknesses. Neither is inferior to the other. They are just different. I think it’s especially important for Extroverts to understand this because many tend to view Introverts as flawed and broken rather than uniquely different. Most Introverts could describe many occasions in which Extroverts told them they were too quiet, thought too much, needed to get out more, needed to learn how to have more fun, and so on. That’s like trying to drag a cat for a walk or expecting a cat to herd sheep or do tricks on command. That’s like expecting Danny to catch mice or purr. It’s not going to happen.
Within the species of Extrovert and Introvert, there are different “breeds” or types. While every Extrovert has common traits and every Introvert has common traits, there are differences among types of Extroverts and among types of Introverts. The Myers-Brigg Personality Test divides personalities into 16 different types. And, of course, individuals within each type–or “breed”–has different temperaments and have been shaped by different experiences.
My species is “Introvert” and my breed is an INFJ. INFJs are extremely complex people who think very deeply. We observe everything, we process information differently than others, we make connections that others cannot see, and we can see from many different perspectives. Because of this, we have deep cunning insight into people and situations. We often understand people better than they understand themselves. We can’t always articulate all our deep, complex thoughts–we might have “insight” into people but not be able to explain why. We care very deeply about people and genuinely want to help them–we have no hidden agendas or thirst for power. We tend to be extremely gentle, compassionate, and empathetic to the point where we feel others’ suffering. We are excellent listeners and tend to be nonjudgmental. Because we are so empathetic, conflict and negativity takes a huge toll on us both emotionally and physically–so don’t expect us to be quick to engage in battle. However, that does not mean that we are spineless wimps. While we are very patient and understanding, we also are very protective of those we love, and we will fiercely defend our loved ones against those who threaten them. We are also very private people, very much the introvert, and very independent. We value integrity. Because we are so empathetic, we tend to attract emotional abusers who feed off our empathy and compassion. These are just a few of our traits.
Understanding personality traits has helped me understand myself. (The desire to understand myself and others is an INFJ trait.) For one thing, it validates that I am not merely a broken extrovert who needs to speak more, think less, and be more social. I am ME and ME is a good thing to be. The fact that I love books, study, gardening, animals, walking, and even writing and that I am deep thinking, empathetic, understanding, and protective are all part of my INFJ personality. After learning of our types, EJ and I have discussed how often my insights about people are absolutely correct–to the point where I can often predict what a person will say or do under certain conditions with great accuracy, even though I cannot explain how I know. We pondered the times when we ignored my “gut feeling” and how often that led us into being hurt by unscrupulous people. We also have discussed how we can recognize the emotional abusers and prevent them from damaging us. This is vital.
I will stop here. I will write more later.
Really, Most Sincerely Dead
This morning, after I had drank (drunk?) one cup of coffee (or maybe two), I got dressed and then went to the grocery store in the next town over. On the way home, I stopped at the grain elevator at the end of our street to buy some cat and dog food. After I got the groceries unloaded and put away, I made a quick lunch for my guys and then brought in firewood. I knew that the weather was supposed to turn nasty so I wanted to get all my tasks done.
Poor Danny didn’t get his walk today because as EJ was leaving for work, I saw that the wind was blowing hard…like the wolf in the story of The Three Little Pigs. The wind huffed and it puffed and it blew the leaves off the trees in a golden shower. It also began to rain quite hard. I said, “Sorry, Danny, not today.” Later in the afternoon it began to snow. It actually snowed harder than I expected…but not enough to stick to the ground.
Tonight was Halloween. The weather was cold and damp and snowy and very windy.
I remember how much fun I had as a child dressing up in costumes and going trick-or-treating for candy. As an adult, I became aware of the darker side to the holiday. I think the meanings of holidays matter. It’s been “tricky” knowing how to deal with the holiday. If we lived in the country, I would have chosen to ignore it altogether, but we live in town and hundreds of children pass by our house. When JJ was little, I often chose to give out candy in order to reach out to the children in the neighborhood. Sometimes we have invited relatives over and had a movie night. In recent years, JJ and I have turn off all the lights and hidden from all the monsters and witches and princesses walking by our house as we snack on candy and chips in the dark. I bought a bag of candy–assorted Reeses and Hershey candy bars–this morning when I went to the store. I was appalled at how expensive a bag of candy was. If we were giving out candy, we could easily have spent hundreds of dollars. Yikes.
We have one family–friends of ours–who stops by each year and we give them a handful of our candy. We choose not to act all nasty and hostile if people celebrate holidays that we don’t. This year their little three-year-old panda ran around the house chasing our cats. Our cats are not used to three-year-old pandas so they ran helter skelter around the house and then they hid.
Yesterday evening the cats caught a mouse. I always wait until the mice are “not only merely dead, but really, most sincerely dead” before I sweep them up into a dustpan and throw them outside. I don’t want to risk a mouse climbing on me. JJ said he was sure the mouse was dead, but I couldn’t find it. Then the cats caught another mouse, which they played with until it was really most sincerely dead and then I threw it out. I was not sure if the cats had caught one mouse or two. This morning. I found the second mouse, however, and I threw it outside.
Our house was mostly dark tonight because we were hiding from the little monsters going from door to door begging for candy. On my way to the kitchen, I saw a candy wrapper on the floor. I reached down to pick it up. It was a DEAD MOUSE. EWWWWW! I yelled and then ran out into the kitchen and washed my hands with soap and then with sanitizer while JJ laughed at me. I swept the mouse into dustpan and threw it outside. Then I washed my hands again. I’m still traumatized by touching the third dead mouse.
I think the mice are moving into the house to get away from the nasty weather. Thank goodness we have cats.
I Love To Go A Gardening 