I Love To Go A Gardening
Growing Our Life in Northern Michigan
Haircuts!
JJ had been urging me to make him an appointment to get his hair cut, so I finally did. As usual, I made an appointment for me as well. It saves time and trips that way. I haven’t had my hair cut since May 2013. I made an appointment for this morning. Of course, after I made the appointment, the meteorologists began predicting snow. The forecast kept changing, but we were on the edge of Not Too Much Snow (1-3 inches) and Quite a Bit (6-10 inches). I had planned to drive JJ myself, but even though he was really tired, EJ offered to drive us because he knows I hate driving if the weather is bad. He is a superb driver in all kinds of weather. We ended up only getting maybe an inch of snow, but EJ drove us anyway. He is my hero.
We adore the couple who cut our hair. They are a husband and wife who have been cutting our hair since JJ was quite young. They converted their attached garage into a beauty salon some time before we met them. Usually Linda cuts my hair and Bob cuts JJ’s…and sometimes EJ’s. (Most of the time, EJ just buzzes off his own hair.) Bob and Linda are truly the most awesome, loving people. They always give us lots of hugs and they keep us in their prayers. As we drove away today, JJ said, “They feel like they are grandparents.”
Before we left, I took a picture of Bob, Linda, and JJ. I was going to ask if I could share their picture here, but we got to talking and then I forget. I don’t want to share their picture without their permission because some people (like me) hate getting our pictures taken. I will share JJ’s picture though. JJ looks tremendous with his new haircut, so we took his picture when we got home.
We were all really tired because none of us slept well, so after we got home, we all took naps. After EJ left for work, I took Danny for his walk. We took a shorter route and I didn’t let Danny meander as long as he usually does because the strong wind kept slapping my face with a cold hand. Brrrrr. When we finally got home, the heat of the wood stove felt extra wonderful. Our cat Luke agrees. His new favorite sleeping place is underneath it. I would sleep there too if I fit.
Last week I took JJ to the doctor because he wanted to discuss a few things. I suggested he go to the oncologist, but he finds it difficult to go to the Cancer Center, so he wanted to visit our family doctor. That’s fine. The doctor ordered a few tests to make sure all is good, and she also diagnosed JJ with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. PTSD was once called shell shock or battle fatigue syndrome. It can develop after a person has experienced or witnessed a traumatic or terrifying event in which serious physical harm occurred or was threatened. I read that families of victims can also develop PTSD.
Emotionally, I almost think that the Recovery Period is more difficult than the actual cancer treatments. We had the faith, strength, courage, and sense of humor to do what we had to do and go where we had to go for the medical appointments, chemotherapy, and surgeries, but once they were over, we seemed to have physically and emotionally crashed. We seem to have no reserves of strength and are easily depleted, overwhelmed, and stressed. Sometimes we suffer from insomnia. I find myself unusually emotional if I get too depleted, including occasional crying, feeling more touched by others’ suffering, and feeling less tolerance towards those who are unkind. Not every day is like this, of course. Many days we do relatively well. Occasionally, we had a difficult day, especially when there is more problems. We are helping each other through this stretch with patience and kindness, but recovery is taking longer than we expected. We always thought that the cancer battle was over when the treatments ended, but we are finding that that is not necessary true.
The Reese’s Cup Wrapper
It did not rain today, but dark, dramatic clouds filled the sky. It was beautiful.
I love the different moods of the days and seasons.
On Halloween night, kids often drop candy and wrappers as they go from house to house gathering sweet loot. In the days and weeks that follow, they continue to drop wrappers as they consume their candy as they play outdoors.
Walking Danny in the days and weeks after Halloween is a challenge. Danny’s leash is retractable and when we walk near houses I have him on a shorter leash but in wilder areas, I let him wander on a longer leash. He loves to wander about, sniffing this and that. Usually, that’s no problem and I can let him sniff about without paying close attention. However, after Halloween, Danny pretends to wander innocently as he sniffs out candy and candy wrappers. He can remember the location of a piece of candy from day-to-day. I tend to forget until he’s meandered over to it the next day and begins to eat it.
Today, Danny wandered around in the field and appeared with a sucker stick in his mouth. I exclaimed, “No, Danny!” and pulled it out of his mouth. As we continued on our walk, he found a few dropped items that he gobbled down before I could see what they were. Then I saw a Reese’s Cup wrapper on the ground. He grabbed it before I could stop him. “No, Danny! No!” I yelled. I tugged it, but he refused to let go. He only obeys when he wants to, which is most of the time but not all of the time. We had a stubborn tug-of-war on the sidewalk. I tried to open his mouth but he gritted his teeth. Finally, I got him to drop the wrapper and I pulled him away. Usually I pick up litter, but I couldn’t grab the wrapper and keep Danny from it too. Danny will find the Reese’s wrapper tomorrow or the next day when I’ve forgotten all about it.
I can’t really blame Danny for not wanting to let go of the Reese’s Cup wrapper. I love Reese’s Cups too, and if I had one in my mouth, I would not easily let go either.
Eventually the snow will cover the candy wrappers or the wind will blow them away, and we can go back to non-vigilant wandering.
Misty November
Yesterday as Danny and I were nearing the end of our walk, about a block away from home, I saw our cat Rikki-Tikki-Tabby walking down the sidewalk toward us. When he reached us, I picked him up and gave him lovings as we continued on toward home. Rikki used to sometimes follow us on our walks. If he continued to followed us too far, I always turned around toward home. I didn’t want him to get too far from home or too near a busier street. One day I encountered an elderly lady who lives on our route. She said, “Are you the one who walks her cat? I told my sister, who lives on the other side of town, about your cat who goes on walks with you!”
Last night after EJ got home from work, we were surfing the Internet on our laptops and talking when EJ suddenly said he couldn’t stand hearing the distressed mouse. I hadn’t even heard it until he spoke up. This, for those who are counting, is mouse #6. EJ got up and put the live mouse in a can and took it outside. My guys are a bit more compassionate toward the mice than I am. Whenever I see a mouse in the house, I think not only of the rat infestation in the movie of Ratatouille but also of the Black Death, which killed 75 to 200 million people during the years 1346–53. It is thought to have been spread by fleas on rats. I also think of the children’s story in which the Pied Piper agreed to rid a town of a horde of rats and ended up stealing the town’s children as well. Ok, those stories are all about rats, but mice are practically rats and they also are not safe. I have a policy: Rodents and insects are safe as long as they remain outside. I think they are cute and I have compassion for them if they stay outside. If they come into my house, that is a different story.
Anyway, I asked EJ where he dumped out the mouse. He said he stood on the front porch and tossed the mouse near the car. He thought the mouse was probably safe enough….unless it hit the stone wall. “Well, I did accidentally throw it kind of high into the air…but it probably was ok.” He continued on, “Although, I did hear it thud as it hit the stone wall….So maybe it’s not ok. Maybe it’s dead.”
I laughed…not at the thought of an injured mouse, but at EJ’s description beginning with the likelihood of the mouse being alive and ending with it, well, maybe not. I glanced around for the possibly dead mouse after Danny and I got home from our walk today, but didn’t see any body. Of course, there are a lot of leaves all around so it might have blended in. And Something might have eaten it.
I hate these mice. When it comes to mice, I am completely on the side of the cats.
I almost didn’t take Danny for his walk because it was rainy-ish, but he told me he REALLY wanted a walk today. I knew a few “words” in the dog language. I had a dog named K.D. when I was a child. K.D. is pronounced Kay-Dee. She was named after my brother’s initials (first and middle names) since he brought her home to our family. K.D. taught me that gruntings mean “I love you.” I learned from K.D. that if you listen to a dog’s little gruntings when she’s giving you lovings and if you grunt them back, the dog always licks your face in joy. Danny always gives emphatic sneezes when he strongly wants something. (Hey, what can I say? I always wanted to be Doctor Doolittle and talk to the animals.) Today Danny put his head on my lap and grunted “I love you” and then he sneezed emphatically several times with pleading eyes–so I knew he really, really wanted to go for a walk today and I had to take him.
The weather was very gray and it was misty. As we walked, I kept thinking, “One misty, moisty morning when cloudy was the weather…” That is actually the first lines of an old nursery rhymes. It goes:
One misty, moisty, morning,
When cloudy was the weather,
There I met an old man
All clothed in leather
All clothed in leather,
With a cap under his chin.
How do you do?
And how do you do?
And how do you do again?
I was thinking of only taking Danny for a very short walk because I thought it might rain, but we ended up walking almost the whole route. A little grayness and mistiness never hurts anyone. As we neared home, the mist turned into a light rain so we skipped the last block. We had a really enjoyable walk. The leaves are completely gone now…well, except for a few trees who are stubbornly holding on. The day looked completely Novemberish. I used to think November was drab and depressing, but now I love all the moods of all the seasons. The pictures below were taken between 2 p.m. and 3 p.m. today.
Mouse-capades
Last weekend–from Friday to Sunday–we have had FIVE mice in the house. That is the most mice we have ever had in our house in such a short time. Usually there are weeks or months between mouse sightings and killings.
I already wrote about the three mice on Halloween. Saturday morning I found a fourth dead mouse. Sunday afternoon I went out into the kitchen to wash dishes and a mouse scurried across the floor. The cats who followed me into the kitchen ran after it and chased it under the stove. All afternoon, Little Bear sat in the kitchen and waited for the most to come out. It was interesting watching his stealthy hunting technique. Ok, so mostly he just sat and waited, but I thought his patient watchfulness was remarkable. When the mouse hadn’t come out by evening, I decided to help things along by moving the stove. I am an accessory to mouse killings. I think mice are only cute in cartoons and theme parks. Whenever I start to feel sorry for a mouse, I think of the scene in the movie Ratatouille in which a horde of rats fell out of the old lady’s ceiling. Imagining hordes of disease-laden rodents multiplying in my walls causes me to lose all sympathy for the little vermin. Shudder.
So I moved the stove and Little Bear and a couple other cats moved in. Scared, the mouse ran for it with the cats in hot pursuit. The mouse was able to get into an inaccessible spot behind a loose baseboard. I could tell exactly where he was because the cats gathered in that area. So I kicked the baseboard (further down, not where the mouse was) hoping to scare him out of hiding. He didn’t come out, so I moved the baseboard. The mouse was not moving. I had either stunned him or killed him. The cats grabbed him and took turns swatting him around the floor like a game of mouse soccer ball. Then Luke swatted the for-sure completely dead mouse and he slid out of reach under the refrigerator. Seriously? Under the fridge? I could not let a mouse decompose under the fridge. I didn’t want to try to move the fridge so I looked around for something long and thin to stick under it and sweep the mouse out. I worked for about 10 minutes, sweeping all sorts of milk lids and rings that the cats had played with from under the fridge before I finally got the mouse out. I swept him into the dustpan with the broom and threw him outside. If this keeps up, we will have a whole pile of mouse skeletons in our yard by Spring.
Tangled Trip Into Mordor
Writing about topics such as abuse feels to me like journeying through Mordor: it’s like journeying through a dark place filled with evil things. There are many different perspectives about writing about abuse. Some people believe that you shouldn’t write about it because it involves speaking evil of others and it can bring public humiliation. Others believe that abusers gain power through secrecy so it’s best to bring abuse out into the open in order to defeat it. In addition, honesty about abuse can educate others and help them escape it. Also, sharing experiences can help a person process the pain and damage and begin to heal. However, there are also those who seem to get stuck in their pain and never move on to healing. My INFJ eyes see all these perspectives and I see truth in all of them so I really don’t know whether it’s best to speak or be silent. Maybe all these are necessary parts of the healing process, part of recognizing and dealing with the damage. Maybe everyone needs to make the difficult journey to Mordor to overcome the abuse that “rules them all” and bring closure. But no one should thoughtlessly journey to Mordor or build their home there.
Sometimes when I have had a brush with abusive-type behavior, I feel myself yanked back into turmoil and I have to re-process it, battle self-doubt, and regrasp truth. I’ve learned that an INFJ needs to verbalize things in order to process it–either through talking or writing it out. It certainly has been true for me. Sometimes I feel as if toxic turmoil begins to fill me until I can dump it out in writing, which is why I am writing this. But I try to be careful and not write too many details, and I do not want to stay here for very long. I want to leave Mordor behind and get back to writing about my Hobbit-ish life in the Shire.
Emotional abusers (narcissists, sociopaths, etc.) are dangerous shapeshifters who create “false realities in which the false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity. I was trying to figure out how to describe such people and then I came across an article that describes the techniques that abusers use. The article is called 23 Covert Emotional Manipulation Techniques. It’s worth reading.
Mother Gothel in the movie Tangled is an excellent example of an emotionally abusive mother. It’s interesting to observe her actions and to see its affects on Rapunzel. Rapunzel’s face and body language speaks volumes. Deep down Rapunzel knows she is being abused, but she struggles to fight it…until the end of the movie, when she finally understands what’s happening. When Gothel realizes that Rapunzel has discovered the true, she releases her rage. This movie, though very humorous, is deadly serious.
Rapunzel’s battle with guilt, self-doubt, and self-blame is a struggle victims have. Flynn’s manipulation in the following scene is also part of the abuse: Many abusers are able to deceive others who end up contributing to the abuse by urging the victim to reconcile with her abuser.
Many fairy tales are actually stories about abuse. Rapunzel, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Giselle (in the movie Enchanted) are all stories about abuse, describing how the victims were affected by it, grew to recognize it, and then courageously fought to be free of it. The evil queens’ enchanting offers, their shapeshifting masks, and their draconic rage when confronted are manipulative tactics.
“Sometimes fairy stories say best what needs to be said.” ~ C.S. Lewis
“Fairy tales are more than true: not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.” ~ Neil Gaiman
Because a victim’s self-confidence, perceptions, and identity has been attacked, it takes a lot to recover from it. I have found that learning about Personality Tests has helped me in two ways. First, it helps me to recognize my unique gifts and strengths. Secondly, it helps me to understand my weaknesses so I can strengthen my ability to recognize, avoid, or deal with emotional abuse. INFJ types seem to attract them, so this is important.
The problem with emotional abuse is that it fills a victim with self-doubt and blame. A victim is made to feel that she can’t handle life, she has more flaws than strengths, everything is her fault, she is over-reacting, things didn’t happen the way she said, etc. So she looks at herself and thinks, “Am I over-reacting? Are my boundaries cruel? Am I wrong to be angry? Am I unforgiving and unloving? Did I cause them pain? Am I the monster?”
I find that truth helps cut through the distorted reality of manipulation. A victim cannot free herself from abuse if she can’t see things as they really are and if she is powerless to set boundaries. The truth is that everyone has weaknesses. Everyone sometimes gets angry, sometimes over steps boundaries, sometimes is selfish, sometimes is emotionally messy, sometimes needs help, sometimes engages in self-pity, or is sometimes a jerk. Sooner or later, everyone will fail. This doesn’t make a person an abuser. It makes them human. So what is an abuser? I think the difference between a fallible human and an abuser is frequency and intensity. (It’s similar to the difference between occasionally having a glass of wine and being an alcoholic.) An abuser will have a lifestyle of abusiveness. He
- will have little or no true empathy or compassion
- will not consider how his words and actions affect others
- will focus on their own problems and not listen to others
- will not allow others the freedom to be different or to disagree,
- will shift blame so that it’s always your fault and not theirs.
- will feel you can’t handle truth so you need them to protect you (by distorting or hiding truth).
- will frequently criticize you and try to fix your flaws–sometimes very nicely
- will insult and belittle–sometimes very nicely
- will quickly and dramatically change their behavior if you do not respond as they wish
- will ignore and/or invade boundaries
- will grow angry if you challenge them
Even with a list like this, it’s hard to tell the differences between a person having a temporary “bad day” and an emotional abuser. It’s important to recognize abusive people so you don’t become a victim, but it can be difficult because the abuser wears a mask. So I think it’s important to know how to set good boundaries, to decide which behaviors are acceptable or unacceptable. While we should be willing to be compassionate and understanding, some behaviors (such as insults and lies) are always unacceptable. To me, one huge sign of an abuser is whether or not a person is willing to acknowledge his own wrongs. We all fail, we all say or do things we shouldn’t, but an abuser will always shift blame.
Ok. Now that I have battled through Mordor and re-processed the ring of abuse, I can go back to my regular Hobbit-ish life.
She Understands. She Doesn’t Comprehend.
One of our favorite TV series is a science fiction show called Firefly. It ran for only one season (2002-2003) but developed a cult following. As Wikipedia describes it, “The show explores the lives of a group of people who fought on the losing side of a civil war and others who now make a living on the outskirts of society, as part of the pioneer culture that exists on the fringes of their star system. In this future, the only two surviving superpowers, the United States and China, fused to form the central federal government, called the Alliance, resulting in the fusion of the two cultures.” One of the characters is River, a child prodigy, whose brain was subjected to experiments at the hands of Alliance scientists at a secret government institution. As a result, she appears crazy. It is later revealed that she is one who possesses telepathic abilities. She wasn’t crazy, she just knew and felt more than she could express. Her brother Simon gave up a career as a highly successful trauma surgeon to rescue her from the Alliance and as a result of this rescue they are both wanted fugitives. In the pilot episode, Simon joined the crew as a paying passenger with River smuggled on board as cargo.
I love all the characters in Firefly, but I think I most closely identify with River. I think she was an INFJ personality type because she was very complex, intelligent, and insightful but couldn’t articulate her thoughts. She felt everything. As her brother explained, “She couldn’t not feel.” She could fight fiercely when she needed to protect her loved ones. In one episode she said, in referring to herself, “She understands. She doesn’t comprehend.” That has been coming to my mind a lot lately. There are many things that I understand about people. I understand their thoughts, motives, sufferings, behavior, and reactions. However, sometimes I don’t comprehend.
INFJ Personality types are not easy to understand because we are so deep and complex and we see and connect information that others can’t. We think so many things that we aren’t always able to put it all into words. And while we are gentle and caring, we also tend to be private and introspective. We hate conflict, but are very protective. I believe we are filled with paradoxes.
We INFJs tend to attract emotional bullies and abusers. One site said abusers love empaths (people who are highly in tune with others’ emotions). They seek us because they are drawn to our emotionally sensitive traits. They have an ability to become what we most want or need in order to “hook” us. It’s only later, after we are under their control, that they reveal their true selves. EJ says that sometimes it feels as if there has been a parade of crazily difficult people through our lives.
This post is not about emotional abusers and the damage they cause. Other sites describe that. This post is about trying to figure out how to recognize them, and how to guard against them, and how to heal from them. No. That’s not quite it either. This post is about behaviors that I understand but do not comprehend. It’s about behaviors that I recognize that I can no longer tolerate. For years I gave love and understanding to people who lied, insulted, belittled, excessively controlled, and manipulated, creating a false reality that filled me with self-doubt and uncertainty. I accepted the false blame that was shifted onto me as I tried to reconcile with people who wanted only to control my beliefs, thoughts, and actions. When I tried to set boundaries, they ignored and invaded them, not allowing ME to be different than THEY. Sometimes I almost lost who I was. I have a deep love for the wounded and suffering ones, but gradually I have come to realize that just because someone’s pain is understandable it doesn’t mean his behavior is acceptable.
No matter how deeply wounded a person is, he doesn’t have the right to disrespect, manipulate, and hurt others. Caring, understanding, empathy, forgiveness and repentance must flow two ways. I hate the meme that states that we are to “forgive people who are not sorry.” While it’s important to not become filled with hatred, it’s also important to recognize that the Bible never says we are to forgive the unrepentant (not sorry) person. Luke 17:3-4 says “Watch yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. Also, if seven times in one day he sins against you, and seven times he comes to you and says, ‘I repent,’ you are to forgive him.” Forgiveness is dependent on the offender’s repentance. Biblical repentance, by the way, doesn’t mean a simple “I’m sorry” and then continuing in the wrong behavior. It means turning from the behavior. It means change.
Furthermore, after describing that in the last days “People will be self-loving, money-loving, proud, arrogant, insulting, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, uncontrolled, brutal, hateful of good, traitorous, headstrong, swollen with conceit, loving pleasure rather than God, as they retain the outer form of religion but deny its power” 2 Timothy 3:2-5 goes on to warn, “Stay away from these people!”
“Forgiving those who are not sorry” gives power to the abuser and allows him to continue to torment his victims. It takes away a victim’s power to set boundaries and stop the abuse. I endured years of emotional turmoil because of statements like these, I continued to try harder and harder and harder to love enough and forgive enough to reconcile with someone who said that all my efforts to reconcile were a mere drop in a teacup and no matter how hard I tried, she’d never forgive me (for not accepting her control). Understand that a healthy person will be willing to recognize and acknowledge his own wrongdoing. He will be genuinely repentant if he causes you pain. I always ask a person to forgive me if I have hurt him–even inadvertently. However, I have been learning not to accept blame that is falsely shifted onto me.
Sometimes I feel caught in a sort of illogical logic loop–like Norman, one of Harry Mudd’s androids in Star Trek. I want to cry “Illogical! Illogical!” as my brain smokes and shuts down because of illogical things that don’t make sense. While I understand that abusive people exist, I still struggle to comprehend why they seek to cause suffering to others. I understand but cannot comprehend how people can be so offended and hurt by the very sorts of things they inflict on others. I cannot comprehend why they cannot give to others the very things they are desperate to have. I cannot comprehend how people can only see from their own perspective or why they are so blind to the damage their words and actions do to others. I cannot comprehend why they can’t understand that if others’ criticisms hurt them, their criticism likely also hurts others.
Ok. This isn’t really what I intended to write. I have been thinking so deeply about so many different things relating to this subject that I cannot really explain them. That, too, is an INFJ trait. We are like this:
Perhaps it’s enough to simply say
She understands.
She doesn’t comprehend.
Although, maybe, I understand and comprehend more than I realize. Not everyone is good-hearted. There are behaviors that are unacceptable. I will not accept people treating my unique differences like flaws. (I am not too quiet and I don’t think too much.) My boundaries need to be respected. I will accept responsibility only for wrongs that I am actually guilty of. And I will let someone go if they can’t treat me with kindness and respect.
Maybe…
She understands.
She does comprehend.
Species and Breeds
This is a more serious post than usual. Sometimes it is helpful for me to write out my deep thoughts, especially if I am wrestling with something. A few months ago, a friend hurt me deeply at a time when I did not have the physically, emotionally and spiritually exhausted–right after JJ’s cancer treatment ended. The situation with my friend has caused me a lot of heartbreak because we were friends for a long time and I love(d) her very much. In the process of coming to terms with this, a lot of emotions have been resurfacing. I have been pondering the ways in which people are different, how we treat those who are different from us, and many other things.
This will probably be a two-part post. I will start by discussing zoology.
Zoologists group animals according to species, breeds, etc. There is a difference between the species of dogs and cats. They are different species and have different characteristics and behaviors. Cats, for example, aren’t much good at taking long walks on a leash. Neither are they suitable for guarding homes against thieves. However, cats don’t usually ask to go outside to pee at 1 a.m., they are great mousers, and, BEST OF ALL, they purr. My dog is totally oblivious to mice. I don’t even know if he knows what they are. Some people label themselves cat or dog people, according to which animals they prefer. I enjoy both because I value their differences. I don’t expect my cats to behave like a dog or my dog to act like a cat.
Source: conchokennelclub.org
Within each species are different breeds. Our veterinarian has a poster of dog breeds in one of his exams rooms. We love looking at them every time we take a pet to the vet, reading aloud the characteristics of each breed. Some breeds are large, others are small. Some dogs are bred to be protective, others to herd animals, others to hunt, others to run, and others to cuddle on your lap. Some bark a lot; others (like Danny) hardly bark at all.
Within each breed, there are differences in temperament. Some dogs are naturally more playful or friendly. Others, not so much. Temperament is also developed by how the dog was raised. For example, an abused dog will behaved differently–either more timid or more aggressive, depending on its personality–than one who grew up in a loving home.
Knowing the species and breed and temperament of an animal helps us to understand its behavior and help a person choose the best type and breed of animal for themselves. I once had a co-worker who loved to run. She bought a whippet, a medium-sized dog who was born to run, so they could run together. It was a perfect match.
The reason why I have just spent all this time discussing animal species, breeds, and temperaments is because in recent months EJ and I have been pondering and discussing personality types and I see similarities between zoological classifications and personality types. This is a topic that is very interesting to me.
I think people can be divided into two “species”: Extrovert and Introvert. They are as different as….uhm….dogs and cats. They each have unique strengths and gifts…as well as weaknesses. Neither is inferior to the other. They are just different. I think it’s especially important for Extroverts to understand this because many tend to view Introverts as flawed and broken rather than uniquely different. Most Introverts could describe many occasions in which Extroverts told them they were too quiet, thought too much, needed to get out more, needed to learn how to have more fun, and so on. That’s like trying to drag a cat for a walk or expecting a cat to herd sheep or do tricks on command. That’s like expecting Danny to catch mice or purr. It’s not going to happen.
Within the species of Extrovert and Introvert, there are different “breeds” or types. While every Extrovert has common traits and every Introvert has common traits, there are differences among types of Extroverts and among types of Introverts. The Myers-Brigg Personality Test divides personalities into 16 different types. And, of course, individuals within each type–or “breed”–has different temperaments and have been shaped by different experiences.
My species is “Introvert” and my breed is an INFJ. INFJs are extremely complex people who think very deeply. We observe everything, we process information differently than others, we make connections that others cannot see, and we can see from many different perspectives. Because of this, we have deep cunning insight into people and situations. We often understand people better than they understand themselves. We can’t always articulate all our deep, complex thoughts–we might have “insight” into people but not be able to explain why. We care very deeply about people and genuinely want to help them–we have no hidden agendas or thirst for power. We tend to be extremely gentle, compassionate, and empathetic to the point where we feel others’ suffering. We are excellent listeners and tend to be nonjudgmental. Because we are so empathetic, conflict and negativity takes a huge toll on us both emotionally and physically–so don’t expect us to be quick to engage in battle. However, that does not mean that we are spineless wimps. While we are very patient and understanding, we also are very protective of those we love, and we will fiercely defend our loved ones against those who threaten them. We are also very private people, very much the introvert, and very independent. We value integrity. Because we are so empathetic, we tend to attract emotional abusers who feed off our empathy and compassion. These are just a few of our traits.
Understanding personality traits has helped me understand myself. (The desire to understand myself and others is an INFJ trait.) For one thing, it validates that I am not merely a broken extrovert who needs to speak more, think less, and be more social. I am ME and ME is a good thing to be. The fact that I love books, study, gardening, animals, walking, and even writing and that I am deep thinking, empathetic, understanding, and protective are all part of my INFJ personality. After learning of our types, EJ and I have discussed how often my insights about people are absolutely correct–to the point where I can often predict what a person will say or do under certain conditions with great accuracy, even though I cannot explain how I know. We pondered the times when we ignored my “gut feeling” and how often that led us into being hurt by unscrupulous people. We also have discussed how we can recognize the emotional abusers and prevent them from damaging us. This is vital.
I will stop here. I will write more later.
Really, Most Sincerely Dead
This morning, after I had drank (drunk?) one cup of coffee (or maybe two), I got dressed and then went to the grocery store in the next town over. On the way home, I stopped at the grain elevator at the end of our street to buy some cat and dog food. After I got the groceries unloaded and put away, I made a quick lunch for my guys and then brought in firewood. I knew that the weather was supposed to turn nasty so I wanted to get all my tasks done.
Poor Danny didn’t get his walk today because as EJ was leaving for work, I saw that the wind was blowing hard…like the wolf in the story of The Three Little Pigs. The wind huffed and it puffed and it blew the leaves off the trees in a golden shower. It also began to rain quite hard. I said, “Sorry, Danny, not today.” Later in the afternoon it began to snow. It actually snowed harder than I expected…but not enough to stick to the ground.
Tonight was Halloween. The weather was cold and damp and snowy and very windy.
I remember how much fun I had as a child dressing up in costumes and going trick-or-treating for candy. As an adult, I became aware of the darker side to the holiday. I think the meanings of holidays matter. It’s been “tricky” knowing how to deal with the holiday. If we lived in the country, I would have chosen to ignore it altogether, but we live in town and hundreds of children pass by our house. When JJ was little, I often chose to give out candy in order to reach out to the children in the neighborhood. Sometimes we have invited relatives over and had a movie night. In recent years, JJ and I have turn off all the lights and hidden from all the monsters and witches and princesses walking by our house as we snack on candy and chips in the dark. I bought a bag of candy–assorted Reeses and Hershey candy bars–this morning when I went to the store. I was appalled at how expensive a bag of candy was. If we were giving out candy, we could easily have spent hundreds of dollars. Yikes.
We have one family–friends of ours–who stops by each year and we give them a handful of our candy. We choose not to act all nasty and hostile if people celebrate holidays that we don’t. This year their little three-year-old panda ran around the house chasing our cats. Our cats are not used to three-year-old pandas so they ran helter skelter around the house and then they hid.
Yesterday evening the cats caught a mouse. I always wait until the mice are “not only merely dead, but really, most sincerely dead” before I sweep them up into a dustpan and throw them outside. I don’t want to risk a mouse climbing on me. JJ said he was sure the mouse was dead, but I couldn’t find it. Then the cats caught another mouse, which they played with until it was really most sincerely dead and then I threw it out. I was not sure if the cats had caught one mouse or two. This morning. I found the second mouse, however, and I threw it outside.
Our house was mostly dark tonight because we were hiding from the little monsters going from door to door begging for candy. On my way to the kitchen, I saw a candy wrapper on the floor. I reached down to pick it up. It was a DEAD MOUSE. EWWWWW! I yelled and then ran out into the kitchen and washed my hands with soap and then with sanitizer while JJ laughed at me. I swept the mouse into dustpan and threw it outside. Then I washed my hands again. I’m still traumatized by touching the third dead mouse.
I think the mice are moving into the house to get away from the nasty weather. Thank goodness we have cats.
The Musical Annie
This post is about the musical Annie. It’s not about Annie, the delightful Broadway musical, but about our cat named Annie who has the most musical meow that I have ever heard.
We adopted Annie from a yard sale years ago. A cat had had kittens in my friend’s garage. Since my friend couldn’t keep them because she is very allergic to cats, I suggested she give them away at her yard sale. “But,” I said, “hide them when EJ comes to your sale or he will bring one (or more) of the kittens home.” Of course, my friend did not hide the kittens in time and, as expected, EJ brought home Annie.
We thought Annie was a boy at first so we named her Anakin. JJ was really into Star Wars at the time so we were naming our cats after Star War characters. JJ’s cat Luke is named after Luke Skywalker, of course. We had gotten Luke from the “free to good home” cage at the veterinarian. There were actually two black kittens in that cage–brothers–and we didn’t know which to choose so we adopted them both. We named the other kitten Han. Luke bonded strongly with JJ and Han bonded strongly with EJ. EJ loved his Han and would often sing Tom Jones’ song “Pussy Cat, Pussy Cat, I Love You” to him as he cradled him. Sadly, Han died of a blood clot when he was just a couple of years old.
When we realized that Anakin was actually a girl, we renamed her Annie. The name Annie really suits her because she has the most beautifully musical meow ever. No one except EJ, JJ, and I has ever heard her beautiful meow because she never sang when others were around. However, this morning I went outside and videotaped her. You are privileged to be the first person outside of my family who has ever heard Annie’s musical meow.
Cloudy, Windy Days
When Danny sees EJ preparing to leave for work, he perks up and starts watching me intently. If I put on my shoes then he gets excited because he knows it’s time for his walk. Usually I don’t start preparing for our walk until EJ is walking out the door, but yesterday I put on my shoes while EJ was just getting around to shutting down his laptop on so Danny was really excited. I told Danny, “Don’t look at me, I’m not the one delaying our walk…EJ is.” Danny immediately went over to EJ, and nudged his hand to hurry him along. I thought that was very smart.
Danny and I had a nice walk. It had rained earlier in the day but had cleared up by the time we went for our walk. The wind was pretty strong and blew a lot of the leaves from the trees. Later in the afternoon, I made a video of the wind making the leaves dance down the street. The wind has blown a lot of leaves into our yard so there is even more than there were before I mowed the other day. My cats Rikki-Tikki-Tabby and Tesla are also in the video. Annie didn’t show up until after I stopped videoing, but here is a picture I took the other day of her. One day I will get a video of her. She has the most musical meow EVER! Annie is half manx so she has a stubby little tail.
After Danny and I got back from our walk, I walked to the post office for our mail. There was a card from my friend. This time I opened it very carefully in case she had sent me more spider confetti. The card was very beautiful and there were no spiders in it. My friend had written my favorite fall poem inside the card and put in some beautiful leaf confetti. I was so very touched. My friend is very creative and caring.
After I got back from the post office, I studied Hebrew with my friend and then I made delicious homemade pizza.
Today the weather was much cooler than yesterday. The high temperature was in the 40s. I actually built a fire in the wood stove today, which I haven’t done for several weeks. I wore a coat and hat when I walked Danny. It was breezy and the clouds were very dramatic. I love cloudy, windy autumn days.
Autumn Prank
After EJ left for work today, I took Danny for his walk. The sky was mostly cloudy, but the weather was warm–almost 60 degrees! When I turned onto our street, I saw a large dog loose about halfway down the block so I turned around and went an additional block to avoid him. I didn’t want to risk us getting into a hostile dog situation. You never can predict how two strange dogs will react.
Although there are still leaves on some of our neighbors’ trees, most of the leaves are off the trees in our yard so, since it was a warm afternoon, I decided I’d mow the lawn one last time. Mostly I wanted to mow the leaves. Mowing is easier than raking and bagging. I had to walk to the gas station to get more gas because EJ had to use the mower gas for the car the other day because someone has been stealing the gas from our car. EJ has been only putting in a little gas in the car so thieves can’t get a lot and he’s been parking the car along our stone wall to make it more difficult for them, but our gas is still getting stolen. I hate thieves!!! Anyway, all my mower gas was gone so I had to walk down to the gas station to get more. I didn’t want to bring the gas can into the store with me while I paid for it and I didn’t want to leave it outside where someone could walk off with it, so JJ went with me and stood guard while I want in to pay for it.
When we got home, JJ told me that I had something in my hair–it was a leaf…no, it was a bug. I said, “Get it off! Get it off!” but he took his own sweet time, telling me that he was having trouble getting it out of my hair. He pulled me into the bathroom so I could see it in my hair, but I didn’t want to see it. Since JJ wasn’t quick enough, I grabbed my brush to brush it out of my hair. What fell out was one of the spider confetti that my friend had put in the card she sent me earlier this week. I gave JJ THE LOOK and said, “Seriously? Seriously, JJ?” He laughed. I told him, just wait, I’ll get my revenge sooner or later.
I went outside, filled the mower with the gas, and got to mowing the yard. The leaves were so thick that the mower was like a snow plow pushing a growing pile ahead of it. Plus, the mower kept getting stuck in mole holes. It was hard work and I thought that I’d never have the energy to mow the whole lawn. So I stop and raised the mower so it wasn’t so low to the ground. After that it went easier and I was able to mow the leaves into little bits. I mowed every part of the yard except where the birdfeeders are because there is not much grass there and the leaves will blanket the plants there. After I finished, I put the mower in the garage for the winter. I’m sure more leaves will fall and get blown into our yard, but it’s enough that I got these leaves mowed.
The initial effort with the mower fatigued me so much that when I finished mowing, I came inside and collapsed on the couch for a while. Then I did a few small chores and made popcorn. I am now snuggled on the couch writing and surfing the Internet while I snack on my popcorn.
Life is good.
But I will be plotting my spidery revenge on my dear, sweet son.
Color Me Autumn
I usually wait up for EJ to get home from work and we talk for a while before I go to bed. Last night he texted me that he had to work late and didn’t know when he would get home so I went to bed. I didn’t sleep well until I heard him arrive home at around 3 a.m. I could hear him talking to JJ as I drifted off to sleep.
I heard a ruckus outside this morning. I looked out my kitchen window and saw a Common Grackle sitting on the bird house while a male and female sparrow attacked him. They were all very agitated. I have seen sparrows taking grasses into the various birdhouses as if they are building nests. Since it’s not the season for them to raise young, I’m assuming that they are making their nests warm and comfy for winter.
I needed to go to the store to pick up a few items that I forgot to put on the list when EJ and JJ went shopping Sunday night. I waited until about 11 a.m. to leave to give the thick fog a chance to dissipate. I love to walk in the fog–it makes everything look mysterious and I always have the sensation that the fog might take me back in time. However, I hate to drive in fog. I always remember that my the husband of my sister’s best friend in high school died in a head-on collision in thick fog years ago. So I waited for the fog to clear this morning. EJ said there was freezing fog as he drove home from work last night….or, rather, early this morning. He offered to come with me–we love to shop together–but I knew he was exhausted so I told him to stay home.
The grocery store is in a nearby town. The sky was mostly blue but at the horizon I could see where the fog was lifting. I thought it looked like smoke from a forest fire. The trees were gorgeous and the leaves fell constantly in a rain of gold and red. It was very beautiful. If EJ had been with me, I would have taken pictures.
I drove along drinking in the beautiful colors. Autumn colors fill me with deep happiness. Years ago, our single’s group (where EJ and I met) were led by a husband and wife. The wife was a Color Me Beautiful beauty consultant and one day she analyzed all of us to determine what colors looked best on us. We had a lot of fun that day. The color palettes are categorized by seasons: Winter colors are bold “cool” colors and Autumn colors are bold warm colors–the browns, golds, reds, and olive greens seen in the autumn. Spring and Summer colors are pastel–I believe Spring is a warmer palette and Summer is a cooler palette, but can’t quite remember. My colors that look best on me are the autumn colors Surprise! Maybe that’s another reason why I love autumn so much.
If a person doesn’t have a beauty consultant, she can get an idea of the colors that look best on her (or him) by looking at the colors their clothes tend to be or the colors in their houses. A person will usually choose colors they are drawn to and those are the colors that often look best on them.
After EJ left for work, Danny and I went for our walk. The day was very gorgeous and I couldn’t resist taking more pictures. I loved the deep blue sky. The leaves are rapidly falling off the trees so it won’t be too many days before the trees are all bare.
Every night when EJ comes home from work, the pets run up to welcome him home. It’s really cute. Tonight I was finally able to get it on video. All the pets ran up to him, but a couple of the cats were just out of camera view. Most of our pets are black so they are a little difficult to see.
Confessions of an Ewok Killer
EJ and I had a quiet morning browsing Facebook. (JJ was up all night so he slept until afternoon). Often we share with each other interesting or cute things we find while surfing the Internet. EJ shared a picture of a cute little dog that he thought looked like an Ewok, the teddy bear creature from Star Wars. The dog looked much like this one:
Whenever I think of Ewoks, I am reminded of our favorite Playstation game that we all liked to play together when JJ was younger. It was a Star Wars game called Battlefront. We owned both Battlefront I and Battlefront II. In the games, we could travel to various Star Wars planets and participate in battles. Usually we played as the Rebels and fought against either the droids or the clones. One planet we fought at was Endor, the planet where the Ewoks lived. I often liked to hide among the trees and snipe at the enemy, and it totally irritated me when the Ewoks kept following me and shouting “Ai-yi-yi-yi-yi!” I’d say, “Ssssshhhh! You are giving away my position! Get away! Shoo!” but they kept at it. “Ai-yi-yi-yi-yi!” “Stupid teddy bears,” I’d growl. “They are giving me a headache!” So I’d shoot one. JJ would always shout, “Mom! You can’t shoot the Ewoks! They are on OUR side!” “Ha! Watch me!” I’d say as I shot another one. ” Ok, so they were cute…but those little beasties really irritated me with all their yelling. JJ started ordering me not to shoot the Ewoks. “Oops! That time was an accident, JJ! I swear it!” After awhile, he refused to let me go to that planet at all.
I just asked JJ if he remembered me shooting the Ewoks. He gave me “THE LOOK.” LOL. Honestly, I don’t think shooting Ewoks is much worse than what JJ did in another PS2 game in which he drove the wrong way down the NASCAR track and deliberately crashed into other drivers–specifically targeting Jeff Gordon for some reason we never understood. I admit, the NASCAR demolition derby was exciting and we all had fun. Ok, so we are a bit weird.
Danny and I went for our longer walk today. Although it was cool outside, it was almost, but not quite, too warm for a coat. I have a friend who has a dog who is incredibly photogenic. I think he should be a dog model or something. It’s very difficult to take good pictures of my Danny because he usually just appears as a black blob and his personality doesn’t shine through. However, today I was able to take a couple of cute pictures of him.
We suddenly have a lot of tiny little moths flying fluttering around in our house. We haven’t figured out where they are coming from. They are getting annoying. I feel like a cat chasing them down and swatting at them and I think EJ looks like a cat when he goes after them. We sort of look like Simon’s Cat in this video: Cat Chasing Fly.
Little Bear has been such a stinker ever since he escaped from the house a couple of months ago. Whenever we open the front door, he dashes for freedom. If we stop him then he waits until we open the door to come back inside and then he makes his break. I have lost count of all the times I have had to run out after him to bring him back inside. Sometimes I pause to slip on some shoes and sometimes I dash out in my socks which get all wet and dirty. I wonder if he thinks it’s a game? If Little Bear can’t get out, he stands by the door and meows plaintively. Until he started escaping, Little Bear hasn’t been outside since he was a tiny little black fluff who showed up at our door on a cold, snowy Hanukkah evening crying to be let in. We don’t want him to go outside at any time…and especially not this close to Halloween. It’s not safe for black cats.
Danny, the Introverted Dog
Sunday we were hoping to visit EJ’s family, but EJ has had some challenging days at work and he was so depleted that we stayed home instead so he could rest. We find that we are all very easily depleted these days. We have enough energy to accomplish normal tasks and chores but not much else. In some ways, I think this recovery period is almost more difficult than the actual cancer treatment because during treatment we simply did and endured what we had to and we had a lot of support. Now, during this recovery period, we are so easily tired and overwhelmed but there’s not a lot that anyone can do to help. I assume that one day we will feel more like ourselves. Sometimes I wonder if it takes everyone so long to recover or if it takes more time for introverts (who need quiet to recharge) than it does for extroverts? But then I think that each person is different and it will take as long as it takes. Meanwhile, life goes on, we do what we must while not pushing ourselves, and we enjoy small moments of joy.
EJ slept most of Sunday and JJ’s sleep patterns are out of whack again so they went grocery shopping Sunday evening. Even though I was tired, I considered forcing myself to go along but JJ wanted this “adventure” with his Dad so I stayed behind and enjoyed a quiet evening. When they returned, JJ was exhausted so EJ and I brought in the groceries and then I put them away.
Monday morning I went to the post office for the mail. Usually I walk to the post office but this time I drove because it was almost time for EJ to leave for work. I found a card from my friend in our post office box. She makes the most wonderfully creative cards ever and I always enjoy them! When I got home, I eagerly opened the envelope and pulled out the card. It was very autumnish with a pretty pumpkin on the front. I opened it up and a bunch of spiders LEAPED out at me and scattered all over the floor! Boo! My friend had filled the card with tiny black spider confetti. After the initial surprise–my friend is scared of spiders and so am I–I laughed and laughed. JJ said, “You know I’m going to scare you with these spiders in the future, right?” Yup. I carefully picked up every spider and put them back in the card. I might do a bit of scaring too, once JJ has forgotten about these spiders.
EJ hasn’t been able to walk with me and Danny this week, so we have gone alone. I’ve wanted to take longer walks so I figured out a route within our village limits that is at least twice as long as our previous walks, but without walking over the same territory too much.
The trees are continuing to blaze with colors. We’ve had some blustery days that have torn the leaves off the trees so while there are still beautiful leaves on the trees, some trees are becoming bare.
Today the temperature reached only up to the high 40s. It was dramatically cloudy and rather blustery. With the temps so cool, I was surprised to see a live bug crawling on the road. It was quite big–over an inch long. Maybe two inches. It was sort of an emerald color so I wondered it if was an Emerald Ash Borer. If so, it’s not a good insect. I considered stepping on it, but it was so big that I imagined the “squishing” of its body. I couldn’t quite stomach it, so I let it be.
A few weeks ago I saw this HUGE insect fly past me as Danny and I were walking. It was HUGE. By the time I remembered to look it up, I couldn’t really remember the details of what it looked like. I think it might have been some HUGE sort of dragonfly. Or else an alien insect that will attach itself to a person’s neck and suck the life out of him.
Over the summer, we all took on-line personality tests to see what our personality type is. EJ and I have found our results to be extremely accurate and we have had a lot of discussions about the topic. Last week while we were walking, I told EJ that I thought Danny was an Introvert too because he is so very quiet and gentle. We are always surprised when we hear him bark because he barks so seldom. If Danny doesn’t want to obey, he doesn’t growl or complain, he just stands stubbornly in place and grins. When we go for walks, Danny just sort of meanders along, wandering here and there, sniffing this and that. He loves to get “lovings” from people, especially children, and whines when he sees them and then stands quietly and happily while they shower him with attention. If he can’t get lovings, he doesn’t complain about it but allows himself to be pulled away. He’s just the best dog.
The biggest problem we have with him is that he’s such a “mooch.” Last week as EJ and I were walking him, he found a large piece of pizza alongside the road. Of course, he grabbed it. I don’t like him to eat food he finds along the road because, who knows, it could be poisoned or something. So I said, “No!” to Danny and we had a short tug-of-war over the pizza. It tore in two and Danny ate half of it while I flung the other half into the field. I totally forget about it, but Danny didn’t. Yesterday he looked like he was just meandering into the field as he always does, but he went straight over to the pizza piece and ate it before I could stop him. Silly dog.
Another problem with Danny is that he is so quiet and uncomplaining that sometimes I forget that he is outside. I try to give myself reminders–like, lately, I leave my shoes in the middle of the floor so that I will see them out-of-place and remember that my dog is outside instead of quietly sleeping under the table. Saturday I forgot to leave myself a reminder and I totally forgot Danny. EJ came home from work and said, “There is a sad dog crying at the gate.” In horror I rushed outside and there was poor Danny, all wet from the rain. I hadn’t even realized it was raining out. Danny does have a dog house he can go into, but apparently chose not to. I brought Danny in and toweled him dry-ish (it takes his fur forever to dry) and gave him lots of lovings and told him how sorry I was and what a terrible owner I was. Poor Danny. He should learn to complain a little bit more.
I told EJ that if I were artistic, I would create a comic strip about Danny, the Introverted Dog, filled with stories about the situations he gets himself into. Alas, I am not an artist.
Come Little Leaves
The weather this week has been warm and rainy and rather gloomy. I don’t mind, however. I think rainy gloomy days in the autumn are just as beautiful as blue skies. Today it was a bit windy and the wind tore the leaves off the tree so it looked as if it were raining leaves. I was going to take a picture or video of it, but I forgot.
The other day as I was walking in front of my house on the way to the post office, a squirrel suddenly ran across the sidewalk in front of me. That’s not unusual. We have lots of squirrels in our area. However, this one made me laugh because he had a large ear of corn in his mouth. I’m assuming he stole from a neighbor’s feeder. He ran up my neighbor’s tree. I had my camera with me and wanted to get a picture of him, but he scurried to the other side of the tree so I couldn’t see him.
I moved the large tray bird feeder from the pole under the pine tree to the pole right outside the window so I could see it better. I saw a squirrel sitting in the feeder eating the fruits and nuts. Maybe it was the same squirrel as the run who had carried the ear of corn? I’m not sure how he got into the feeder since it’s not close to anything that he could climb. I called JJ over and we watched the squirrel together.
I have been watching the sparrows entering the birdhouses. I haven’t seen them entering the houses since they finished raising their last brood of babies at the end summer. I wonder if they seek shelter in the houses during the winter? This will be the first winter that I’ve ever had birdhouses, so it will be interesting to find out.
This morning I looked out my kitchen window and saw a little chipmunk scampering along the garden path. This is the first time I’ve ever seen a chipmunk in my yard. I enjoy the variety of wildlife that enjoys my yard.
When I was 2-years-old, and later my younger sister when she was 3-years-old, an elderly neighbor began taking us to church. Since we were from a family of six children and we were the only two who went to church, it was easier for us to spend Saturday night with our neighbor and then go to church with her on Sunday morning. All through my childhood until she died during my senior year of high school, we spent Saturday night and all day Sunday with my neighbor. It was a very special time and she gave us some special memories. Every autumn my neighbor would recite a poem. When we got older. We recited it with her. After she died, I continued to recite it. I used to recite it as JJ was growing up. I still recite it every autumn when I see the leaves dancing in the wind:
