I Love To Go A Gardening
Growing Our Life in Northern Michigan
The Silence of the Lambs
I have been reading through the articles at a blog called Narcissists Suck. It is my new favorite website. The blogger writes about narcissism in a clear, concise, interesting, and Biblical way, which I am finding very helpful and refreshing, especially now when frustration at the way most people respond to victims of emotional abuse sits like a lump in my stomach. I have felt frustrated ever since I spoke up about why I strongly disliked that video about the seemingly lonely old man who pretended to be dead so his children would visit at Christmas. Writing for me is a type of therapy–I explore ideas or experiences and I also dump out thoughts so they don’t stay in my mind. I’m finding my frustration is staying in my mind so, sorry, I am going to pour my thoughts out here.
The video triggered memories of abuse because it has classic, textbook characteristics of Narcissistic abuse: 1. The old man appears very loving, a lonely victim of children who do not visit on Christmas. 2. He lies, deceives, and manipulates his adult children into doing what he wants. 3. He convinces others into helping him manipulate his children since, obviously, he couldn’t, himself, inform them that he was dead. 4. The one who points it out is not believed.
I have been told several times since I expressed my dislike for this video that it was merely perspective and others had a different perspective. I get that people have different perspectives, opinions, beliefs, interpretations, and paradigms. However, I don’t see how pointing out that this old man was a liar, deceiver, and manipulator is merely a matter of perspective. The man was alive, not dead. His death was the “not truth,” it was a lie, which means he was a liar. He made a situation appear one way (he was “dead”) when it was really another (he was actually alive). That’s deception. He used dishonest tactics to get what he wanted. That’s manipulation. God clearly says that He hates lies. That, to me, is clear and undebatable. Jesus called Satan a liar and a murderer. I believe He connected these words–liar and murderer–because a person who lies actually murders another’s reality, freewill, trust, love, spirit, identity. I don’t see how any Christian can hold up a liar as an example of truth. It’s an oxymoron.
I hate that when a victim of abuse speaks up, people assume that she/he is angry, bitter, unforgiving, filled with oozing emotional pain, and that that disqualifies her perspective. In reality, 1. A person can speak with pain and still be speaking the truth. 2. Just because she speaks about abuse doesn’t mean that she is bitter and unforgiving or oozing with pain. 3. A person can be righteously angry without being bitter and unforgiving, etc.–and I believe that there are things we ought to be angry about. And 4….I will talk about 4 in more detail throughout this post.
Whenever one of my friends mentions struggling with an illness, disorder, or other form of suffering, I research it because I care about them. I have friends who are suffering from Multiple Sclerosis, Crohn’s Disease, Hashimoto’s Disease, PTSD, and with a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), among others things. Some of these conditions I had never heard about before my friends suffered from it. Some I had heard about before but I looked more deeply into what sort of daily challenges my friends had to face–because it’s one thing to know in general about a disease or disorder and quite another thing to understand what a personal friend is actually suffering. I have also asked several of my friends directly about their problems. It helps me understand. I don’t doubt my friends’ descriptions of their sufferings. I don’t downplay their symptoms, I don’t tell them what to feel, I don’t tell them what they should do. I consider them more qualified than I am to speak about their challenges because they are experiencing it.
However, when a victim speaks up about abuse, many people disbelieve and downplay it, and act as if the victim’s words are invalid because “her perspective is off” because she has been hurt. I say poppycock. She is more qualified to speak about the dynamics of abuse because she has lived it and experienced its damage. Rather than dismiss her perspective, or re-imagine what happened, or tell her that she is over-reacting, or declare what they think she should feel, think, or do, or imagine possible motives of the abuser, they ought to listen to the victim with the intent of understanding. Listening is a gift you give to the hurting. Also, it could be very likely that the victim has important things to say and you could learn from her so that 1. you don’t become a victim or 2. you don’t make the suffering of victims greater.
I might, as a survivor of Narcissistic abuse, seem to be overly sensitive to this sort of situation. However, it’s also very possible–likely even–that because of my experience, I can see things that others are blind to. It’s like…EJ used to drink a lot, back before we met and married. Sometimes we are driving along–him driving, me riding–and he will say, “That guy in the car ahead is drunk. He’s all over the road.” I look and I don’t see what he sees. I mean, I think of “being all over the road” as, you know, WEAVING WILDLY from one side of the road to the next, leaving S-shaped black marks in the pavement–like in the movies. But I trust that EJ can pick up on subtle behaviors that I can’t see because I never had that lifestyle and he did. He KNOWS in ways that I don’t. In the same way, I can pick up on lies, deceit, and manipulative behavior that others might not see because of what I’ve experienced. In fact, there have been several times when I have warned EJ that someone was manipulating us. One such time was about a year ago, when I warned told EJ that–for real–the fragile old man he was feeling sorry for was actually manipulating us to get back at his wife. EJ said, “No, he’s just an old man and I want to help him…” So I told him in detail what I thought the man was doing and how it would affect us if we allowed ourselves to be used by him. We protected ourselves, avoided a mess, and we found out that I had been completely correct in every detail which totally amazed EJ because he didn’t know how I knew. I picked up on the subtle clues because I know about liars, deception, and manipulation.
Narcissist abuse experts say that a strange gift that Narcissists give to their victims is a hatred of lies and a love for truth. I believe it’s because victims understand firsthand how lies destroy lives. They know that the only way they escaped the web of lies was to hold on and fight with truth. They know that it is only the truth that sets us free. If you want to understand the power of lies and truth, good and evil, talk to a recovering victim of Narcissistic abuse.
So I want to share just a little about emotional abuse. Emotional abusers include Narcissists, Psychopaths, and Sociopaths. It has been said that not all Narcissists are Psychopaths but all Psychopaths are Narcissists. I would assume the same is true of Sociopaths as well. I will speak about Narcissistic abuse because that is what I am familiar with. If you want to understand this sort of abuse–and I hope you do–the website Narcissists Suck is an extremely good website to learn from. I will quote some of her articles here but it would be worthwhile to read the entirety of the articles which I am linking to. She really is an excellent writer.
It is said that emotional abuse is even more dangerous to a victim than physical abuse. Physical abuse is very terrible. Emotional abuse is a component of every type of abuse, including physical. However, physical abuse is more easily recognized and believed than purely emotional abuse because there is evidence of it–bruises and broken bones. Because of this, victims tend to get more validation and support from others. Emotional abuse has been described as brainwashing and psychological torture. It is especially dangerous because it is so subtle and there’s no evidence to prove its existence. Because of this, people tend to disbelieve it which means the victims don’t get validation or support. Also, physical abuse usually happens in isolated episodes while emotional abuse is constant torment.
A Narcissist is an extremely skilled liar who can make cruelty seem loving, evil appear good, lies appear true, black appear white, and ugliness appear beautiful so that even victims don’t always realize they are being abused until the damage has been done and they wake up one day feeling emotionally raped and not knowing who they are.
Narcissists hide their abuse, tormenting their victims in secret. They skillfully make themselves appear to outsiders to be very sweet, loving, and even spiritual. Because of this, the victim is often not believed and is seen as the Attacker of a Good Person. She often finds herself in a lose-lose situation: If she is silent about the abuse, lies go unchallenged and the Narcissist is free to assassinate her character and to capture more victims in his web. If she speaks up, she appears to be everything the Narcissist accused her of being: angry, bitter, unloving, unforgiving. I highly respect people such as Narcissists Suck who have the courage to speak up and are very articulate. I have compassion for the victims who do not speak up because they are weary of trying to defend themselves from those who disbelieve and condemn them. Sometimes I speak up and then become frustrated when people don’t listen–don’t understand–what I am saying. They make me feel patronized. Sometimes I write about the abuse and then delete it because it feels as if I’m slogging through muck or because I think no one will understand–and often they don’t. (In fact, I deleted my last post.) As experts say, “Narcissistic abuse can’t be described by those who are inside it and is not understood by those outside of it.”
On the other hand, while many don’t understand, usually when I share about abuse a few abuse victims will message me privately with their own stories. That makes sharing worthwhile and I’m glad to pass along things I’ve learned, but their stories make me sad and increase my frustration of the bystanders who refuse to hear. Some friends are willing to ask me to explain about Narcissistic abuse. I greatly value them because they are rare.
I cannot comprehend evil people. I cannot comprehend those who enjoy causing misery and pain to others. I am angry at unrepentant abusers and my heart is broken for the victims. However, I understand and accept that a Narcissist is a predator and predators act according to their nature. Predators are roaring lions who seek those they can devour. That’s who they are. Twisted people who devour others.
The people who anger me most at this time are the bystanders. It is very difficult for a victim to break free from Narcissistic abuse. When she does, the road to recovery is long because her core identity has been damaged. She has to rewrite lies with the truth, she has re-learn who she is, she has to learn to trust again. Often she struggles with PTSD, depression, or anxiety. The journey is much more difficult when bystanders trample over the victim as they rush to excuse, justify, support, and unconditionally forgive the unrepentant abusers. Bystanders tend to minimize the abuse and disbelieve and accuse the victim which increases the damage to her. I stayed in abuse much longer than I might otherwise have because I was told that the abusers were just wounded, didn’t know better, didn’t mean to, actually loved me, and I should love and forgive them more. I went to pastors, mentors, and Christian friends for help when I was confused and hurting. Not one really listened to me or believed me, not one told me that what I was experiencing was abuse, not one criticized the abuser, and not one told me that I didn’t have to endure it. I think God taught me little by little and what I learned was verified when I eventually found on-line abuse websites and groups. I am especially glad there are now Christians understanding and writing about abuse.
In Matthew 7:15 Jesus warned, “Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.” EJ has been told by an ex-policeman co-worker and I have read at abuse sites that predators go where the prey is and very often their prey is in the church. The religious abuser uses Scripture as a tool of abuse, twisting it to make the victim believe that if she resists her abuser, she is opposing God Himself. The Christian bystander often aids the abuser by defending him while accusing the victim with their misunderstanding of Biblical truths. They often tell the victim that in leaving her abuser, she is being unloving, unforgiving, and unChristian. Pressuring a victim to stay in an abuser’s torment is wrong and to use God to do it is heinous. Narcissists Sucks began her post, Not All Enemies Are Created Equal with
As difficult as you know it to be to extricate from a narcissist, especially a family narcissist, Christians are rendered much more susceptible to narcissist control because of the powerful clubs that misinformed Christianity hands over to malignant narcissists. So, hopefully, you’ll be patient when my posts focus on problems for Christians, especially Bible-verse-twisting antics of the narcissists and ill-informed Christians who often unwittingly support the narcissists.
Narcissists Suck refers to the unwitting supporters of the Narcissists as ill-formed. I think that the tragedy is that most of the Narissist’s supporters believe they are righteous and wise and know Scripture, which makes them unable or unwilling to hear anything other than their own opinions. They become unteachable.
In another post, the blogger wrote:
The narcissist appeasers [bystanders] always have a cloak of righteousness they wrap around themselves when approaching those of us who have finally seen the evil doer for what they are and are trying to protect ourselves and our loved ones from them. Regardless of whether the person is religious, or Christian, in profession…this self-righteousness always accompanies the narcissist appeasers. They find a way to assume a moral superiority to you and then smash you to bits. They are simply co-abusers with the narcissist and I find them every bit as dangerous…possibly more so…than the narcissist him or her self.
The Bible says that Satan can appear to be an angel of light. The most evil abusers can appear charming. The most awful lies can look beautiful. Narcissists Suck, who is a Christian, has written in her post They Hide From Truth Because Their Deeds Are Evil:
...There is an interesting point of religious doctrine on this that has been largely forgotten since the Middle Ages. It is that evil lurks beneath a beautiful exterior. In the vernacular today, we say that Beauty runs skin deep. We see this principle reflected in medieval paintings of the fall of the bad angels. They aren’t depicted as ugly demons; they are depicted as beautiful spirits indistinguishable outwardly from the good angels. In other words, malevolence disguises itself with sanctimony…
Evil must mask itself with good in order for it to make a living. Evil must hide itself by hiding the truth of who and what they are. Therefore, full truth (light) is anathema to evil…Evil is an absence of truth which is why it must attach itself to some semblance of truth in order to exist. Evil is parasitic. It cannot stand alone. Pure lies don’t sell. It is the truth that the lie attaches itself to that makes the lie attractive…or at least palatable. The lies of evil need to attach to goodness and truth in order to successfully hide in plain sight. Potential victims must not be warned off by the horrific sight and smell of their villainy. Even though the narcissist despises truth they are dependent on a certain amount of it in order to survive. I tell you this so you are not surprised by the mixture of truth amongst the big lies…
She also wrote, in her post From Such Turn Away:
Evil must disguise itself in order to stalk it’s prey…religion shouldn’t be faulted for being used by those seeking cover for their nefarious deeds. If you will fault religion then, to be consistent, you must fault many other worthy institutions of service and human welfare. The helping professions (teachers, doctors, social workers, etc.) are all ready disguises for the evil person who wants to present himself as harmless and trustworthy. The simple reality is that a person will cloak themselves with their opposite. If they are a pedophile, they may become a Scout leader, a teacher or a priest. Or a clown for kids’ parties. It gives them close access to their preferred prey and the advantage of the trust and authority these positions offer. A woman who gets her kicks controlling and abusing children may become a foster care parent. Examples are legion. Because most religious people are decent, religion is another place evil can hide itself. So don’t think that all religion is bad because some wolves use it to hide in and then savage the sheep…
The blogger also wrote in her post When Good is Bad:
The most dangerous predators among us are ingeniously veiled. They carefully surround themselves with people entirely unlike themselves, that is, with deeply empathic human beings who wish to please others, who are slow to judge, who are excessively tolerant and who have an eye for the good to be found in others. They know how to exploit to their own advantage such character traits. It is their association with such people that maximizes their chances of perpetuating the facade and keeping themselves from exposure. “Narcissism & the Dynamics of Evil“
I want to focus your attention for a moment on the kind of good person, good qualities, and good intentions which are used to support and hide “the most dangerous predators”. If good is used for the evil purposes of predators then good itself becomes dangerous. We really must make determined efforts to not allow good to be used as a cloak for evil, especially if that good resides in ourselves. We are responsible to others to make sure our good natures and qualities are not used by predators to get within striking distance of their victims.
A group of people who admire and cultivate the qualities of being “deeply empathic”, people pleasers, reluctant to judge, “excessively tolerant” and who choose to see only the good in others, are Christians. You do not have to be a Christian to value and hold these qualities, but as a group Christians tend to value and emphasize and reward these qualities. So I’m talking especially to Christians…
There is something fundamentally wrong with our idea of how “good” people should be if we are not discriminating enough to make sure our “good” is not used to facilitate evil. If the “good” qualities we boast of are used as weapons in the hands of a predator then our “good” is actually turned to evil. This is very serious business.
Christians…listen up. All the platitudes and bromides you’ve been weaned on do not apply to narcissists. Quit coddling, excusing, justifying and enabling evil to thrive. Your well-intentioned desire to “save” the narcissist is back-firing. You are supporting evil when you don’t hold evil people accountable for their behavior.
Christians, of all people, should be the last ones who excuse or support evil people, yet, somehow, they do it everyday thinking themselves to be good Christians by giving a pass to out right evil behaviors just so they look like “nice” people. Turn on your brains and think. Stop acting how you think you should act in order to impress all your friends with your great Christian heart. Sometimes the right thing to do isn’t necessarily the “nice” thing. The Gospel of Nice is not the Gospel of Christ. You are morally weak if you are giving a pass to evil narcissists. Period. Yes, even if that narcissist is your parent.
…It is no small thing to let your goodness be exploited, used, and manipulated by predatory narcissists. Your good qualities are only good if they support good. All too often people fall for the notion that their eternal patience and determined belief in the good of all people will cause others to rise to the occasion. The narcissist will never rise to this occasion in the way you hope. They will only see opportunity for protective coloration by standing very close to you and letting your goodness hide their badness.
It is imperative for you, your family, and your social circle that you engage your rational powers and start discerning between good and evil. Discernment = judgment. Not a bad word. I have said before that “nice people suck”. In this context, of how “nice” people often let themselves be used by evil people, I am speaking. There is a time for everything. Always being “nice” is a sign that you do not understand there is a time to not be “nice”. There is a time to judge. A time to take an unpopular stand. A time to hold evil-doers to account no matter the cost to you. A time to protect the innocent and abused from those who have very successfully hidden their malignancy heretofore. A time for war.
The Bible is filled with descriptions of evil people, and it warns that in the last days, people will be…well…evil (2 Tim 3). It also says that people will appear godly but deny its power and also that they give heed to seducing spirits and doctrines of demons. It says that there are wolves among the sheep. However, if someone speaks up about actual abuse, evil people, wolves in sheep’s clothing…bystanders shush them up and disbelieve it. That doesn’t make sense. Not everyone is evil, but the Bible does describe evil people and we ought to believe that they exist rather than treat them as if they are fantasy characters in a storybook.
The title of this post refers to two types of silent lambs. One is those bystanders who are silent when it comes to confronting evil and defending victims. The other silent lambs are those victims who are silent because no one really listens to them. It is said that Narcissism is on the rise so the chances of you encountering one is increasing. I challenge my readers to learn about Narcissistic abuse so you will not become a victim or be used by abusers to victimize others. I also urge them to stop silencing the victims. Listen. Educate yourself. Be teachable.
Fairy Tales
Many good things happened this week that I have wanted to share, but I have been busy and haven’t taken the time.
I have been spending most of my time crocheting items to sell at Teric’s Treasures, my Etsy store. I am super proud of a couple decorative pillows that I made. It was a complicated pattern, but the pillows turned out beautifully. I made them in a light blue and dark blue. I’d like to someday make one in green and the other in red, but I needed a break so I moved on to making cute hearts that can be used as coasters or strung together in a garland. I also made a really cute Owl cup cozy, but I’m not satisfied with the way it fits our coffee cups so I think I will change the pattern a little. I haven’t yet taken pictures of the hearts (or Owl) but I have taken a picture of the pillows, which I have posted for sale at my store. Oh, and I made a woven heart basket which was constructed very cleverly. It also is posted at the store. Here are the items:
This last week EJ, Danny, and I took several walks through our forest. I always love how Danny just meanders around in our general direction. He loves the little meadow where the deer tend to rest. We know they rest there because the grass is flattened in that area. I also saw more pileated woodpecker damage. I think it’s amazing how they shred a tree.
Earlier in the week I went with JJ to the college because he wanted to buy his books. First, though, he went into the Admissions office to ask why their site lists his status as “Pending.” It prevents him from getting student aid. He was told that the computer is showing that he is missing some…prerequisites or requirements (or something) for admission, but they can’t find anything that he is actually missing so they think it’s a computer error. They have an expert looking into it but they told him not to buy his books until that matter is taken care of. He was a bit disappointment and frustrated.
We’ve had fun celebrating Hanukkah. We light the candles together when we can, but when EJ or JJ are working, I celebrate alone. I’ve only had to celebrate alone once or twice. JJ bought peanut M&Ms earlier in the week so we could play the dreidal game on a night we were all home together, but we ate all the candy before we could play the game. Oh, well.
There is one thing in my week that distressed me:
There is a “heart-melting” video that is making the rounds on FB. It is actually a German commercial and as the accompanying article describes, it “shows an elderly man spending several Christmases alone; with his children providing a different excuse each year: ‘I just wanted to call and let you know that we can’t make it for Christmas this year… we’ll try again next year. It’ll work out, I promise. Merry Christmas Daddy!’ Time passes and tragically the children receive news of their father passing away. The advert shows each child wishing they spent more time with their now departed dad. The children return to the family home to attend his funeral and pay respects; but as they enter the dining room, their father appears and says: ‘How else could I have brought you all together?’
Many seemed to think that this video was heartwarming, touching, true, but it did not melt my heart. Instead, it greatly distressed me. The man in the video was not loving. He was an emotional abuser. How do I know? Because he lied, deceived, and manipulated his children in a terrible way by pretending he was dead. And since he obviously couldn’t call his children to inform them of his “death,” he no doubt drew in others to help him pull off the deception. This is classic Narcissistic Abuse.
When I commented about this to one FB friend, she said, “But the children wanted to be with their dad, left him loving messages, and at the end they laughed and enjoyed a wonderful time together.” However, that was merely a fantasy story created by a skilled storyteller to tug at heart-strings. It is not reality. I would have said nothing, but such a video creates a false reality, encourages a myth, that adds to the pain of parental emotional abuse victims who already have to struggle with the general belief that if there is a schism between parents and adult children it is always the fault of the children. Now that’s not to say that children can’t be abusers. Some are. ANYONE can be abusive. I’m writing about parental abuse because that is my experience and because the video is about an abusive father who lied, deceived, and manipulated his adult children into visiting him.
People are quick to fall for a skillfully-told story. Emotional abusers are excellent storytellers, able to create a false reality in which they can appear extremely loving to others while either making them their victims or drawing them into helping them abuse victims. They escape accountability because their stories are so well-told and people don’t pause long enough to figure out whether or not it’s true.
The Disney movie Tangled is actually a story of emotional abuse, as many fairy tales are. The witch wraps her abuse of Rapunzel in loving-sounding words that can be laughed away if confronted. Only at the end, when Rapunzel understands and opposes the witch does the witch reveal her ugliness, which is the way Narcissists are. The TV series, Once Upon a Time also describes emotional abuse in an episode in which a wicked queen has manipulated her daughter, Regina, into marrying Snow White’s widowed father. In a scene in the video below, the queen very “lovingly” manipulated Snow White into revealing Regina’s secret love (a stable boy) by exploiting Snow White’s love and longing for her own mother. Once Snow White revealed her secret, the queen killed her own daughter’s true love. This caused a lot of pain and ruined lives for years afterwards.
In reality, lies, deceit, and manipulation erode trust and destroy relationships. Just to be clear, I am defining these words in the following way: Lying means not telling the truth. Deceit is creating a false reality–making something appear to be something that it is not. Manipulation is using dishonest tactics–such as lies, deceit, guilt, shame, twisting truth, withholding information–to make others do what you want them to do. Those who use such tactics can make themselves appear to be loving–especially to outsiders–but they actually have a deep selfishness, lack of love, and disrespect of their victims. It’s all about the abuser and what he or she wants, without consideration for others.
In the German video, after he revealed that–surprise!–he’s actually not dead, the Dad asks, “How else could I have brought you all together?” How about with honesty? How about giving your children the freedom to make their own choices? How about choosing a different day for a visit if Christmas doesn’t work. Or maybe the Dad going to visit them? How about asking God to work things out? Duh. Do you understand the complications that could arise from this deception? Finances adversely affected (if they have to miss work or can’t afford a trip), schedules needing to be altered and possibly ruining others’ holiday plans, arranging bereavement days off from work. All for a lie. Let me tell you that a loving family will not need to use lies, deceit, or manipulation to motivate them to spend time together. They will be honest, respectful, and understanding toward each other and allow each other the freedom to make their own decisions based on TRUTH. Dishonest tactics will not draw a dysfunctional family closer. Instead, the victim will end up feeling used, disrespected, angry, resentful, hurt, distrustful. Lies, deceit, and manipulation will drive relationships farther apart until they are eventually destroyed.
Abuse experts say that predators always go where their prey is. This includes human predators. Child molesters, for example, will become teachers, Scout leaders, Sunday School teachers, or clowns at birthday parties–anything that will put them in the path of children. Churches are often the hunting ground of Emotional Abusers because there they find people with a conscience who seek to love and forgive unconditionally. Emotional Abusers usually groom their victims to accept abuse by first pouring on love and acceptance and then by slowly taking it away and eroding self-confidence and self-esteem. I sometimes wonder if abusive church leaders groom their flock to accept abuse by teaching them that they must unconditionally love and forgive even if there is no repentance. By teaching potential victims that it’s unBiblical to defend yourself or hold others accountable, they make their prey powerless to escape. Does this surprise you? Jesus warned that many would come in as wolves among sheep to destroy the flock and that it would increase in the Last Days. Ps. 37 says:
The wicked plots against the righteous and grinds his teeth at him…The wicked have unsheathed their swords, they have strung their bows to bring down the poor and needy, to slaughter those whose way is upright.
I think that one of the most horrendous things is that not only does a victim suffer at the hands of an abuser, but she (or he) also often suffers at the hands of those who disbelieve her and who defend the abuser. Many times Christians will rush to “give grace” and “not judge” the abuser because “he’s wounded” or “he needs to be loved to Christ.” (Here’s an interesting article called An Unholy Alliance: When Mob Forgiveness Meets Selective Grace.)
Meanwhile, victims are told things like
Are you sure you are not overreacting?
How can you say she is abusive? She’s so nice.
I don’t think he’s manipulative. He’s just clueless.
You must have done something to deserve it.
You need to be more loving, more forgiving.
Do not judge.
No one is perfect.
You need to stop being so negative and bitter.
If you see the problem, you are the problem.
You should never give up on anyone.
Your perspective is flawed because you are seeing through the trauma of abuse.
The last one I listed is one that I encountered several times this week. It frustrates me because if someone told me about their challenges of raising special needs children, I’d believe them because they are experiencing it. The same is true if they described their challenges of having a child with a life-threatening disease, or of living on a farm, or of struggles at work, or whatever their experience is. But when it comes to abuse, including the effects of dishonesty on relationships, people assume that the victim’s perspective is skewed because she was wounded. How about believing the victim because she has experienced it and knows firsthand the damage it causes?
Today I read a blog written by a victim of parental narcissistic abuse. Her story is horrendous. In one post she wrote: You would think that if you told someone about the abuse you suffered at the hands of your mother, that person would be understanding and sympathetic. You’d be wrong. Suddenly, you’re the one with the problem because you just can’t see all the things your mother did for you, how hard she worked, how much she sacrificed. Talking to someone like this and getting these responses is like being abused all over again. Why don’t people understand? Why are they so quick to blame the victim when there’s abuse? Why in the world do they question your account of what you suffered at the hands of your Narcissistic parent?
In another post, the blogger shared a link to Project Unbreakable which is a photography project aiming to give a voice to survivors of sexual assault, domestic violence, and child abuse. Victims were photographed holding signs on which they had written things their abusers–or those they confided in–had told them. I went to the site and it was hearbreaking. After sharing the link on her post, the blogger continued,
“I should make a poster that reads the following: “How would you feel if you were gang-raped? You couldn’t handle that.”
This was said to her by her mother after she had told her about the older foster child in her home who molested her.
This blogger also writes a different blog called Narcissists Suck. It’s an extremely thoughtful and well-written blog in which she describes Narcissistic abuse and the Biblical response. A few of her awesome posts include:
No Contact: Because Their Evil is Contagious
From Such Turn Away
The High Cost of Peace At Any Cost
The Voice of God or the Devil: The Expose
Ok, so now back to the German video:
My perspective about this isn’t skewed because I am seeing it only through the eyes of one who has been wounded. Yes, of course, people have different perspectives, beliefs, opinions, interpretations about many things but this isn’t merely about a difference of perspective, belief, opinion or interpretation. While people can debate differences, the Dad in this video LIED about his death. He DECEIVED his children into believing he was dead, and obviously had help since he could hardly contact his children himself to tell them he was dead. HE ALSO MANIPULATED them, using dishonest means to trick them into doing what he wants. Listen! The Bible very clearly reveals God’s view of lies and there’s no room for debate. Proverbs 6:16-19 says:
There are six things Adonai hates,
seven which he detests:
17 a haughty look, a lying tongue,
hands that shed innocent blood,
18 a heart that plots wicked schemes,
feet swift in running to do evil,
19 a false witness who lies with every breath,
and him who sows strife among brothers.
The Bible also says this about lies and truth:
Now, therefore, fear the LORD and serve Him in sincerity and truth (Joshua 24:14)
God is not a man, so he does not lie. (Numbers 23:19)
9 Never lie to one another; because you have stripped away the old self, with its ways, 10 and have put on the new self, which is continually being renewed in fuller and fuller knowledge, closer and closer to the image of its Creator. (Colossians 3:9-12)
We will then no longer be infants tossed about by the waves and blown along by every wind of teaching, at the mercy of people clever in devising ways to deceive. 15 Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in every respect grow up into him who is the head, the Messiah. (Eph 4:14-15)
44 You belong to your father, Satan, and you want to carry out your father’s desires. From the start he was a murderer, and he has never stood by the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he tells a lie, he is speaking in character; because he is a liar — indeed, the inventor of the lie! 45 But as for me, because I tell the truth you don’t believe me. 46 Which one of you can show me where I’m wrong? If I’m telling the truth, why don’t you believe me? 47 Whoever belongs to God listens to what God says; the reason you don’t listen is that you don’t belong to God.” (John 8:44-47)
Woe to those who call evil good
and good evil,
who change darkness into light
and light into darkness,
who change bitter into sweet
and sweet into bitter! (Isa 5:20)
And there are countless other verses. God NEVER condones lies and deceptions. He hates the lying tongue and those who plot evil schemes and causes strife. He instructs us to speak the truth and follow Him in sincerity and truth. Those who tell lies or support liars are not walking in the truth and, at the very least, are adding their voices to Satan’s. Those who call lies “truth” and truth “lies” are in danger, as are those who join with the wicked in oppressing the innocent.
“Truth is life. Lies are deadly. Evil traffics in lies hence evil kills.”
~ Narcissism Sucks
So this video is not a “heart-warming” story of a father’s love for his children and his longing to see them. Take away the wrapping of skillful storytelling and you are left with a horrendous story of abuse.
The First Night
I have desperately needed to get a hair cut but I have dreaded trying to find new hair stylists here in the north. I really miss Bob and Linda, a husband and wife who have cut our hair since JJ was very young. They have always treated us like family and prayed for us faithfully. It’s hard to find anyone like them who love us so much. Besides the fact that I didn’t look forward to finding new stylists, we are also trying to be careful with our money so….I asked EJ if he’d cut my hair. He has sometimes cut his own, JJ’s, and a friend’s hair. He isn’t trained, but he does quite well. He has never cut women’s hair before but I figured that it’s winter so if he totally botched it I could just wear a hat whenever I left our forest until my hair grew back. EJ did research about cutting women’s hair as well as about cutting very fine hair like mine. On Thursday night he texted me from work, “Do you trust me?” I replied, “YOLO!” Which means, “You only live once!”
So Friday morning EJ sat me down on a stool, studied my face, and began to cut. I was a little concerned when he kept cutting shorter and shorter but….YOLO! When he finished, I looked in the mirror and, oh, my goodness, I loved it! He did great. I think I have found my new hair stylist! JJ was at work when his Dad cut my hair, and I wondered what he would think when he saw my new style. He was surprised but he has repeated many times that he really thinks it looks good.
Tonight is the first of the eight days of Hanukkah. We have been celebrating Hanukkah since 2009 after we began to learn Hebrew in our homeschool. This is one of my most favorite holidays because it is so deeply meaningful and relevant. As Chabad.org explains, “More than twenty-one centuries ago, the Holy Land was ruled by the Seleucids (Syrian-Greeks), who sought to forcefully Hellenize the people of Israel. Against all odds, a small band of faithful Jews defeated one of the mightiest armies on earth, drove the Greeks from the land, reclaimed the Holy Temple in Jerusalem and rededicated it to the service of G-d. When they sought to light the Temple’s menorah (the seven-branched candelabrum), they found only a single cruse of olive oil that had escaped contamination by the Greeks;miraculously, the one-day supply burned for eight days, until new oil could be prepared under conditions of ritual purity.”
You can read about the history of Hanukkah at Hebrew4Christians. The Biblical Holidays website has several articles about the celebration, including one titled Why Are Christians Celebrating Hanukkah.
Hanukkah is very relevant to the world today because it teaches about not allowing ourselves to get assimilated by the culture around us and letting our faith shine in the darkness.
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through him, and without him was not any thing made that was made. In him was life, and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. – John 1:1-4
The hours JJ had to work today prevented him from celebrating Hanukkah with us tonight so I made latkes for him for lunch so he could enjoy them before he left. I also made more later for EJ and me. I use my friend’s grandmother’s latke recipe. When my friend gave me the recipe, she shared some of her grandma’s comments. I wrote them on my recipe card and enjoy them every year when I make latkes at Hanukkah. To make latkes, a person has to grate potatoes, and my friend shared:
Grandma says if you get your knuckles it just means you really put yourself into your cooking – LOL If you have a better way, go for it! Grandma’s card says that when you make them, some people will behave like they haven’t eaten in years. “And when you are cooking for people who enjoy them so much you won’t mind grating potatoes all day long. ho ho!” she says.
I took my laptop to the kitchen and while I made latkes I listened to the Maccabeats’ song on Youtube called Latke Recipe, which is a really fun song that made me feel like dancing in the kitchen. I also like the Maccabeats’ song Candlelight and Eight Nights as well as many others. They have amazing voices. EJ and I also listened to many other songs throughout the day–like the Hanukkah Rock of Ages, which is hilarious. There are also some beautiful songs, such Chanuka, Oh Chanuka by Tzlil V’Zemer Boys. As JJ walked out to his car, he was humming the last song.
We have an eight-branch Hanukkah menorah, called a chanukiah, which we light every year. This afternoon I was thinking about Hanukkah and not letting the darkness overcome our light and about how very dark our Enchanted Forest is at night. I thought that it would be awesome to take our chanukiah outside and place it on the large rocks where it could blaze in the blackness. However, our chanukiah is small and I didn’t think it would be steady on the rocks. Then I remembered seeing pictures of beautiful chanukiahs made out of tree branches. I told EJ and we walked into our forest and found a large fallen branch from which he cut into a useable length to make into a chanukiah. It seems very special to make our own chanukiah from our forest for our first Hanukkah in our new home.
EJ fashioned the branch so it would be steady. He drilled holes for the candles. The Servant candle is used to light the others and is always set higher than the others. On many chanukiahs it is set in the middle of the other candles. However EJ placed the Servant candle in a slightly elevated position at the right. I found a box of large candles in our pantry that we could use. I set our chanukiah out on the big rock in preparation for lighting them. When it was dark, EJ and I read a beautifully meaningful Hanukkah devotional, which a friend has written. (I have the most awesome friends!)
Then we went outside to light the candles in the dark night. Danny came with us. There was a slight breeze that didn’t seem much but it was enough to threaten the light of our candles so after we had read the blessings and lit the candles, we carefully brought it inside. We set it on our heart-shaped stool in front of the windows in the living room, turned off all the lights, and are enjoying the light of the candles as they slowly burn down.
I took a few pictures outside, but with Danny tugging at his leash, I wasn’t able to get good pictures. But here are a couple. You can click on them to make them bigger and read the captions.
This weekend was a weekend of joy, culminating in immense joy today. As I went about my day I thought that it feels as if we are finally emerging from weariness into rest, from sadness into renewed joy.
Life on the Run
This was one of those absolutely crazy days that feels as if life is a comedy routine. It was running here, dropping EJ there, dropping JJ there, picking up EJ. It was sort of funny.
Both EJ and JJ had appointments they had to go to. EJ to his doctor and JJ to his counselor. The appointments were scheduled about an hour apart and located 15 minutes apart in the Emerald City. It didn’t make sense for them to drive separately, but there was no certainty that EJ could finish his appointment in time to take JJ to his. So I went with them.
We all got up early. EJ drove us to his doctor’s. As soon as he got out of the Buggy, I quickly got in the driver’s seat and JJ got in the front passenger seat and we drove off, leaving EJ behind. We had about an hour before JJ had to be at his appointment, so I stopped at Joann Fabrics and had a few delightful moments of wandering the aisles while JJ waited in the Buggy because he was tired, getting sick, a bit stressed from trying to figure out college finances, and rather grumpy. I bought a couple of skeins of crochet thread. I drooled a bit over the wonderful storage containers that would be awesome for keeping my store inventory organized. I mostly make items when they are ordered, but I do make one of each item before I list it, and I would like to keep at least one of each item made up. The storage containers were more than I wanted to pay so I didn’t buy any. When I exited the store, I noticed a Dollar Store and went in there. I found some decorative tins that are just right for storing my bookmarks so I bought a few for just a dollar each.
Then it was time to drop JJ off at his appointment. Before we reached his counselor’s, EJ texted and said he was done with his appointment. If we had a little more time, we could have picked him up before dropping JJ off. EJ didn’t want to wait 20-30 minutes at the doctor’s office so he said he would start walking our way. At first I was like, “No! No! You can’t go wandering about! You have to stay at a place where I can program Viki, our GPS, to find you!” but JJ told me that the counselor had texted him that he might be running a bit late so I texted EJ, “Ok, go ahead and walk and I hope I can find you!” After I dropped JJ off, I followed Viki’s directions along the route to the doctor’s office and hoped EJ was walking the same route. Surprise!–I did actually find him although I would have missed him if he hadn’t called me when he saw me turning left at an intersection instead of going straight.
When I spotted EJ, I pulled into a parking lot and waited for him to get to the Buggy. I traded seats so he could drive from that point on. He drove us to the college so he could pay for JJ’s tuition. JJ won’t have the money in time to pay for his own classes. He got his own credit card but as a student and first-time credit card owner, they aren’t giving him enough credit, so we are paying for his classes with the firm instruction that he absolutely must faithfully make payments every month or we are SCREWED. The other day I pretended to be a mobster and told him that if he misses a payment we are gonna breaka his fingers. (Don’t worry. I’m not going to really.)
EJ pulled into a metered parking space at the college but the meter was a monster that swallowed his coins without giving us any “time.” EJ was like, “Oh, well. Let’s forget it and just go in” but I knew that if we parked at a meter with no time on it, our Buggy would be towed away before we returned. So EJ headed towards the admissions office while I tried to find a parking space in a nearby unmetered parking lot. The parking lot was completely full so I ended up driving back to the metered lot, only this time I parked in a space in which the meter actually worked. I put in a couple of coins and then went to find EJ. I could have just stayed in the Buggy and waited for him to return, but I wanted to get a look at the college that JJ is going to attend. I followed signs and actually found the correct building, and then I was actually able to find the Admission’s office, which is amazing. However, I didn’t find EJ. Then I realized that I had accidentally left my phone in the car, and I thought “Oh, no! I better hope I can find my way back to the Buggy because there is no calling for help if I get lost.” I exited the building and almost immediately I saw EJ heading for the unmetered parking lot to look for me. I shouted to him and when he joined me he said that the Admissions Office told him that they don’t accept credit/debt card payments in person–which sounds illogical–but he could pay via credit card on-line, which he did later. JJ is now enrolled in college and will start his classes in early January.
We made our way back to the Buggy and drove to pick up JJ. This is the first time EJ has been to JJ’s counselor. The route goes along the coast, just a few feet from the water’s edge, winding among expensive houses and beautiful mansions. I truly like our own little humble home best, but I can appreciate the beauty of mansions, palaces, and castles, all set like jewels in beautiful settings. It’s an awesome drive.
When JJ joined us, he said the counselor had told him that he was a really good guy with a wise head on his shoulders. I said, “So! It seems that your Dad and I haven’t totally messed you up after all!” EJ added, “….Yet.”
We made it home. EJ did a few tasks in the garage while I prepared my orders to mail. I would have gone to the post office and mailed them today, but we were running out of time and energy. After EJ left for work, JJ and I were so tired that we both took naps. We had stayed up too late last night and gotten up too early this morning.
I didn’t get much crocheting done today, but after I do a few more household chores, I will sit down with Doctor Who on Netflix and maybe crochet a bit.
Anniversary
Today was my and EJ’s 25th wedding anniversary. Anniversaries are always a time to reflect on memories of the years we’ve spent together: Pleasant and difficult times, laughter and tears, joys and sorrows. I think the card EJ gave me really describes our marriage:
The day we promised
for better or worse,
there was no way
we could have known
what that would mean.
But as the years have gone by,
We’ve come to understand.
It means that whether things
are running smoothly around here
or they get a little crazy…
whether I need
a best friend in my corner
or just one of your smiles
to remind me
everything will be okay…
whether we’re sharing
a magic moment
or just the day-to-day of it all…
It means that our love is real,
we’re here for each other,
and we’re in this together–
for better, for worse, for always.
EJ also bought me a Willow Tree figurine–the one pictured above. I was very touched by what it symbolized. I love the Willow Tree figurines. I have three now and they each symbolize a part of me: One was given to me by a friend who appreciated me listening to her. Another shows my love for my cats (and Danny).
For the last month or two EJ’s has been going to work later and arriving home at 6 a.m. Today his work hours changed back to his old schedule. He got home this morning at 6 a.m. and then had to go back in at 2 p.m. He was very tired and spent most of his day sleeping. I spent most of my day crocheting.
I had thought it would take a few weeks or months to start receiving orders from Teric’s Treasures, but I have already received three orders! It’s such a surprise to me every time I get an order. The first two orders were from friends, which really helped me to gain a little experience with the process of running an on-line store. I was able to iron out a few wrinkles. I’ve never done anything like this before so I’m sort of learning as I go. The third order was from a stranger!
I’ve been crocheting, crocheting, crocheting until late at night. When I’m not crocheting to fulfill orders, I’m trying to finish a few more items so I can list them. In addition to crocheting, I’ve worked more at setting up the Etsy store–like finding a store icon, making my shipping policies and prices, writing my profile information, and stuff like that. I’m also learning about receiving and printing off orders and shipping receipts. In addition, I’ve made Teric’s Treasures mailing labels and I’m working on Care Instructions to send with the items I sell. I’m trying to set up file folders for my store so I can keep finances, orders, and patterns organized.
It’s all rather exciting.
Teric’s Treasures
After all the busyness of the last few days, I finally was able to work on my Etsy store today in between the normal interruptions–making turkey pot pie, washing dishes, taking Danny outside, finding lost items, and so on. I didn’t get around to making the bed or doing laundry.
I discovered that it takes a lot of effort to set up an on-line store. It took me a long time and lots of attempts to take pictures of the items I am selling. Then I had to list them on the store, and decide how to describe each item, what prices to charge, and so on. I didn’t get all my items listed–I lost the good daylight in which to photograph the items and then my camera battery died. I also have several items that aren’t quite finished. Some items I’m trying to do in multiple colors. I also still have to try to find a company logo and store description, and all that.
We named our store Teric’s Treasures. All my items are handmade. EJ would eventually like to start making items to sell as well. I don’t yet ship out of the USA because I want to get familiar with managing a store first, but I hope to be able to ship to other countries soon. I hope you all will visit my store. You can find it here:
You can find it here: Teric’s Treasures.
Here are items I am currently selling:
Thanksgiving
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
Two days too late, I know, but I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Well, those of you who live in the USA anyway. I hope those outside the USA had a wonderful week.
This last week has been so busy for us, but it was a very good busy.
Earlier this week JJ came home with “Just Because” gifts for us. He had seen A Christmas Story mug filled with a package of hot chocolate at his store and he just had to buy it for his Dad. JJ didn’t want me to feel left out so he bought me a cup with hot chocolate too. He said he couldn’t find a gift that was as unique to me as his Dad’s cup was to him. I told him that I won’t ever feel hurt if he gets his Dad a gift and not me, and that any gift he gives is special to me. My cup was an elegant plain black and the package said, “Chalk up some Holiday Cheer.” I showed JJ that a piece of chalk had come with the gift which I thought was a little weird but I figure it was part of a sales gimmick. JJ suddenly exclaimed, “Oh! Your cup is like a chalkboard and you can write on it with the chalk! Your gift is very special after all!” I agreed. I’ve been having fun writing on the cup every time I use it.
Wednesday morning I made three pies for Thanksgiving. I was only going to make two pumpkin pies–the canned pumpkin makes enough for two pies–but I accidentally made too much pie dough so I also made a mincemeat pie. My guys didn’t mind my mistake.
JJ didn’t have to work on Wednesday so as soon as the pies were cooked and EJ left for work, we took a trip to Joann Fabrics in the Emerald City so I could buy some brown crochet thread for some of the items I am making. There were a lot of Thanksgiving sales at the store, but I am being careful with my money and only bought what I needed. Actually, JJ bought it. He bought himself a santa hat to wear at work and he offered to buy my item too since it didn’t cost that much. That was nice. Then we went to the new grocery store because I needed a few items. JJ wore his new santa hat into the store. We had a lot of fun together.
One of EJ’s sisters invited us to spend Thanksgiving with her and her husband, but JJ had to work and we didn’t want him to spend the day alone so we decided to stay home. We invited his sister and hubby to join us at our house, but they wanted to have a quiet day at home so it was just EJ, JJ, and me for Thanksgiving dinner. We didn’t mind. For the last week or two we have constantly declared how thankful we are to live in the Enchanted Forest, and how we love this beautiful area, and how we love our house. One day when JJ and I drove home from the store, JJ looked at the snow-covered world and said, “This is what it looked like when I first came up North. It is beautiful here, and I love living here!” With so much thankfulness pouring out of us, we had a wonderful Thanksgiving Day celebration.
Every Thanksgiving EJ is in charge of the turkey while I make everything else. I put a tablecloth on our table and set the table nicely. Everything was delicious, if I do say so myself. We had Apple Glogg to drink, which was a nonalcoholic mulled wine with cinnamon and other spices. It was so very delicious!
When JJ came home from work, he said it had been absolutely crazy. There were crowds of customers at the store. Because he had a helpful, cheerful attitude, most of his customers were nice.
EJ and I absolutely despise the busyness and nastiness of Black Friday–the day after Thanksgiving when there are huge sales at the stores–and we try to stay away from stores on that day. However, we really needed to get a meat grinder to grind our deer into ground venison and EJ had seen that there was a good sale at Gander Mountain, a sporting goods store, so we bravely left home in the afternoon. Fortunately, most of the insane crowds were gone by the time we went to the stores. The clerk at Gander Mountain said that the store had been open for 16 hours on Thanksgiving Day and the grinders were quickly sold. The only ones left were very expensive ones. So we went on to Lowes and Home Depot but neither store had any. We finally found one–the very last one on the shelf–at Meijer. We bought it and then stayed up until almost 2 a.m. grinding venison. EJ ground the meat while I packaged it and put it in the freezer. It was fun.
This morning Danny wanted outside as soon as I got up. We went outside and I could see that he was alertly sniffing something so I prepared to grab him if he chased the whatever-it-was. I didn’t even see the deer that had been standing in the yard. I only got a glimpse of its tail as it leaped over the hill and disappeared into the forest. However, I did see the pileated woodpecker that was in our trees earlier in the week. I watched it for about ten minutes before it flew off over our house. I know they cause a lot of damage to trees, but I think they are amazing and I’m glad one lives in our Enchanted Forest.
Thanks to El Nino, this year has been very mild in the North with very little snow. We live in an area that usually gets tons of snow dumped on it, so I have been nervous because we don’t yet have a way to plow out our long driveway. Because we had to fix our driveway last summer, we don’t really have much money to spend on a plow or big enough snowblower. The big enough snowblowers in the stores are $1,000 and up. Yikes. Then EJ’s friend told him that his cousin is selling a snowblower for much less. We wouldn’t be able to find such a good snowblower for such a low price so today we drove through the beautiful northern forests to the other side of the state to buy it. It really is a wonderful snowblower. It is in like-new condition and even has a plastic “cab.” I think it is appropriate that the cousin had bought it from a library. Now I feel more prepared for winter snow.
EJ’s friend was also at his cousin’s house and we had a nice chat before driving back home. All our family and friends tell us that we all look so much happier and healthier now that we have moved to the North.
Oh, on the way to get the snowblower, we saw Scooby Doo’s Mystery Machine parked in a parking lot. At my request, EJ drove into the parking lot so I could get a picture. So cool. EJ reminded me of his theory that Shaggy and Scooby often got high in that van, which is why they were always giggling and always had the munchies. EJ has totally twisted the children’s cartoon for me.
When we got home, I made a homemade turkey pot pie from Thanksgiving leftovers. I made a lot of filling, but I am tired so I only cooked one pie and I will make others tomorrow.
Plan A – B + C
This week has been interesting with its ups and downs and twists and turns.
EJ went hunting last weekend and brought home two deer. When he got them home on Sunday night, he hung them up in the garage. JJ and I climbed up the ladder and when EJ lifted up the deer we pulled on the rope and tied it off. While I was on the ladder, the deer was right next to me but I tried not to look at it because I hate seeing dead things–although I am very thankful that we have venison to fill our freezer.
EJ has been having some health problems and ended up missing two days of work–one day last week and one day this week. I worry about EJ’s health and also about him not feeling too sick to work when we need the money. EJ went to the doctor and she thinks the probiotics in his intestines is depleted from stress so she gave him some probiotics and put him on a very bland diet for a couple of weeks. Otherwise EJ’s health is pretty good.
A couple of days ago I got a call from the new large grocery store asking me if I was interested in coming in for an interview. I was so shocked that my mind both froze and raced at the same time. I totally didn’t know what to tell the guy because really I don’t really want to work outside the home, and since I filled out the on-line application I have been thinking more of starting an on-line store, but I don’t really know if my store will make enough money soon enough, so maybe I need to get an outside job…To give myself time to think, I said, “Do you mind if I think about this and call you back?” The guy said that was fine, but I know that it’s really not fine because employers want employees who are eager for a job, not ones who have to think about whether or not they want it.
After I hung up the phone, I told EJ about the call and burst into tears because I didn’t know what to do. Usually I don’t go around bursting into tears, but we have been under chronic stress for so long and we are so tired out that it is affecting our health in different ways. Stress causes EJ to have physical problems and it causes me to get emotional and my brain to freeze.
Anyway, I decided to at least call the guy back and try to arrange for an interview, even though I didn’t think I would get one. The man I had talked to had gone to lunch but when I told the woman that I had been called to set up an interview, she leafed through the applications and said, “Hmm. I can’t find yours here.” I suspected that my application had already been tossed, but I told her that I could give her my phone number and she could call me back when (if) she found it. She said, “No, that’s ok. I’ll set up an interview and find your application later.” So I scheduled the interview for Friday morning, and then felt depressed about it all day. The next day I got an email from the store saying that they appreciated my interest in applying for the job, but they have decided to pursue other applicants. No surprise there. EJ laughed because it was really quite funny but at first I just felt really stupid because I know I handled it all wrong. I was planning for this store to be my Plan B if I couldn’t make enough money from my digital store because it’s new and they need lots of employees. So much for Plan B. But after I stopped saying, “Ugh! I am SO STUPID! I am so very STUPID!” then I actually felt relieved. I would rather make money at home doing something I enjoy then forcing myself to work elsewhere. I had asked God to show me want to do and, well, there it is. I can’t exactly go back in time and handle the call differently.
I did begin Plan C: I emailed my resume to the little grocery store a couple miles from us. Being so close, I wouldn’t have to worry so much about driving in the snow if I worked there, the employees all seem really nice, and it’s not huge with tons of people like the other store. The store nicely emailed me that they aren’t currently hiring, but they are keeping my resume on file. I will try to be prepared if they ever call.
When I am not cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, and other chores, I spend all my time crocheting so I can have enough items to open my store. I don’t know anything about selling on-line, but I have a wonderful friend who has experience with it, so she showed me how to order boxes and mailing labels from the post office, and she told me about setting up an Amazon store, and together we looked on the Internet to see what people are selling similar items for so I could price my items reasonably. I really could not do this without her help and encouragement. As soon as I get the boxes from the post office, I will set up my Etsy store. EJ and I also want to sell books on Amazon or Ebay so this morning we set up an Amazon seller account and we place one book for sale just to try it out. We are starting getting excited about this opportunity.
I’m also excited because I have been unable to unpack my boxes of books because I don’t have shelves in our library because we haven’t had the money to get shelves. That’s not the exciting part. The exciting part is that when EJ came home from hunting last weekend, he said that 30 years ago he helped his friend cut down trees and make them into lumber. His friend still has many of the boards they made and he is going to give them to EJ for our shelves. So soon I will have my library shelves at no cost AND they will be very special because EJ made them. It’s difficult sorting through the books we want to keep and those we want to sell when they are all in boxes stacked one on top of another so shelves will help us get organized. We are going to have one section of bookshelves where we place our “sell” books. I can’t wait.
Tomorrow JJ has his orientation for college. EJ is going to go with him for a Father-Son time.
Most of the week–including today–the weather has been crazy windy. We can hear the wind roaring outside the house. It makes the trees in our enchanted forest sway back and forth and twirls the leaves around in a wild dance. Yesterday evening it also rained very hard. We could hear it coming down in a downpour–and then it rained even harder and harder. Today the temperature dropped and we could get 3-6 inches of snow this weekend.
Daddy’s Gone A-Hunting
It’s looking very November. One afternoon last week EJ, Danny, and I walked through one of our little meadows and into the forest on our way back from the mailbox. In the meadow we saw an area of flattened grass where EJ said the deer have been laying. Danny explored that area with his nose for a long time. We let him snuffle around for a bit, but just before our route would cause us to lose sight of him, we called “Com’n, Danny!” He ignored our first few calls and he followed only after increasingly insistent calls. Danny always makes me laugh because he makes his own path in his own time as he slowly and randomly meanders after us.
I sent my pictures of the shredded fallen trees to the Michigan Department of Natural Resources last week. They messaged me: “We asked our wildlife staff about this and they believe it could be woodpecker damage. The damage is likely caused from pileated woodpeckers as they are known to cause some significant damage to trees.” I had thought it might be a large predator with sharp claws–like a bear or cougar or dragon–that had shredded the tree and I’m relieved that that is not the case because I’d hate to encounter one on our daily walks to the mailbox or when I take Danny outside after dark. However, I’m totally amazed that woodpeckers could shred a tree like that.
Speaking of scary things: I haven’t seen any giant spiders on the porch for over a week. Either the news has spread via the spider world-wide web that I kill spiders or….I remember that the spider in Charlotte’s Web died after laying her eggs so maybe they are all dead. But like all horror stories, somewhere there is a generation of new giant spiders breeding so they can terrorize me! EJ told me that the spiders are not specifically targeting me, but I’m not convinced.
On Friday JJ took the compass test at the college. I drove him because he was having severe anxiety attacks about it. He was especially anxious about the math section because he feels he is stupid when it comes to that subject. Because he thinks he is stupid, he approaches math with much anxiety which doesn’t help. I have told him that I believed he would have the ability to do math if it ever became important to him. “It IS important to me to do well at math,” he says. “No,” I reply. “It’s only important to you because you want to do well on the test or the class. It’s not relevant to you in life yet.” I reminded him of times when he has played complicated computer games and he easily used math to figure out complicated formulas.
I also reminded JJ of writing. Through elementary and middle school, I couldn’t get him to write a decent sentence. I tried everything: giving him a topic to write about that was suggested in our curriculum, giving him a topic about subjects that I knew he was interested in to write about, letting choose his own topics to write about. Nothing worked. His writing was horrible except for rare moments when he saw something that sparked his imagination and he spontaneously sat down and wrote about it in beautiful, funny, witty ways. Those moments made me think that he had the ability to write well if he ever really had a reason to. Then one day in 9th grade, he suddenly announced, “I’m going to write a book!” and he sat down and wrote an amazing, mature, and deeply profound beginnings of a story that left me stunned. It’s as if his writing went from kindergarten to college level in a single bound. His writing has only become better since then. Just before we moved North, he was meeting with a jounalist/writer who told him that he was an excellent writer and he needed to keep at it. I expect him to be a famous bestselling author some day.
Not surprisingly, JJ didn’t do well on the math sections of the compass text but he excelled at the writing sections. In fact, he was only one point away from being placed in an honor’s writing class. He beat himself up about the math, but I said, “Boo hoo hoo! So you aren’t perfect in every subject. Stop focusing on the one area you didn’t do so well in and celebrate all the other subjects that you did great at. Math is just a skill to be learned and you will learn it in time. It’s not the end of the world that you have to take some classes to build your skill and confidence.” So then he started feeling better.
After the test, JJ asked me to drive him to the Admissions Office where he signed up for the college orientation at the end of next week. I have strongly suggested that he restart his college career by taking just one class that he really enjoys. Besides the fact that he couldn’t afford to pay for a full load of classes, cancer interrupted his first semester of college and he needs to rebuild his confidence and not get overwhelmed. I think that JJ is doing amazingly well to have started working again just a year after his chemo ended and now to be working towards going back to college. I have read that teens who had cancer are less likely to have college degrees and have more struggles with depression, anxiety, and memory so I think he needs to ease into college.
I have continued to find and try out crochet patterns all week. Whenever I am not doing anything else, I am crocheting so that I can get enough items done to open my digital store. I had to buy a variety of yarns, which made me cringe because we are trying to decrease spending, not increase it. If we can succeed in selling these items, it will be worth it, but if not…? I fluctuate between excitement that this could be a wonderful opportunity and fear that it’s going to totally flop. Sometimes I think that I should just find a job outside the home–and maybe I would if it weren’t for the fact that I am nervous about winter and one of us would have to drive a car that doesn’t do well in snow. I guess JJ is not the only one who needs to build confidence.
We met with our insurance agent last week and were able to cut $100 from our monthly payment by increasing deductibles and reducing coverage on a few things. We had to balance increase risk with decreased expense. We can eventually add some of the coverage back after we get through this tricky financial season. Once we sell the house (please, God, sell our house soon) and pay off some of the bills medical bills, we will be in a better place.
When the insurance agent walked us back to his office, he apologized for the behavior of our previous agent. “Most State Farm agents do not act like he did,” he said. I said I felt that we should be the ones to apologize because our previous agent had screamed at both the new agent and his secretary for “stealing his clients.” What a jerk.
Yesterday afternoon EJ left to go to his hunting place. He always hunts at his friend’s parents’ hundred acre woods. EJ has been friends with this guy since he was a teen and he knows the family well. The trip is much shorter now that we live in the North. This is the first time EJ has been able to go hunting since before JJ had cancer. As I kissed EJ goodbye, I told him to have fun and make sure he gets us a deer or two because it will fill our freezer and help with food costs. EJ loves hunting because he finds quietly sitting in the woods is a time of reflection and connection to himself and God.
I love to ponder the differences between our new home and our old home. I had always lived in a town so I find differences between town life and country life, and differences between living in south Michigan and northern Michigan, and differences between living in an area of farmland and forests, and differences in the animals that I see. Some of the changes are in perception rather than reality. For example, although there are some different wildlife up here, many of the animals are the same, but living in town I rarely saw them. I am much more aware of the changes in the seasons in the north because I am surrounded by nature rather than houses. The night feels darker in the north because we are a few degrees of latitude higher and because with all the large forests and lakes there is not as much light pollution. In the south, I heard gunshots during hunting season, but they were occasional and far off. Here in the north, surrounded by state and national forests and not in town, I hear more frequent and closer gunshots.
Our Life So Far
We have done a lot of thinking and discussing and planning and doing since last week when we realized that with the extra expenses, we are going to run out of money sooner than later and we will need a bit more income.
We first considered that I would need to get a job. However, there are a few dilemmas: Such as the fact that EJ works nights and I’d work days which means we likely wouldn’t see each other much. Also, it’s been 20 years since I last had a job and my job skills are now outdated. I’d probably have to get a job working in a store, which is very nightmarish for an introvert. I’d get a job anyway to help out, but winter is coming and only two of our three cars is four-wheel drive and handles the snow well and I don’t want either of us put at risk. I was discouraged by all this.
But then I talked to my friend and we began to plot about ways that we could both make money from our homes. She has ideas for herself and we discussed that I could always sell some of my books on Amazon. None of the books we love, of course, but I have others that I pick up at yard sales and thrift shops to read and I could get rid of my not-favorites. My friend also suggested that I open an on-line store at Etsy. I would rather make items and give them away as gifts than sell them. I know nothing about pricing, or how to set up a digital store, or how to mail items, or anything. However, this option would allow me to be home to take care of my family AND I wouldn’t have to drive through deep snow AND although I will need time to get set up, once I got started I could potentially earn more money than I could at a part-time minimum wage job. EJ is also pondering things he could sell at our “store.” So I can learn what I have to learn to accomplish as many goals as I can.
I have spent my time in the last week considering items that I can crochet and sell, finding patterns, and making the items to see how they turn out and to give myself a beginning inventory. I haven’t crocheted anything since JJ was a preschooler–I kept busy homeschooling, scrapbooking, and writing. I no longer have a supply of yarn so I bought/ordered yarn to get me started. I was surprised at the many varieties of yarns that didn’t exist before. I need different types, sizes, and colors so I have a good selection for my digital store.
All that has taken up hours of my days.
A new store–similar to Wal-mart–opened on Thursday relatively close to us. JJ and I went there on Friday because I wanted to check out their yarn supply and buy a few skeins to get me started on projects. The store is a competitor of the store JJ works at. He walked into the beautiful, large store with a greater selection than his store has and said, “My store is so screwed.” He likes his job, but he’s been looking into getting a new job.
The Taurid meteorite shower has been going on this month. This particular meteorite shower tends to send a lot of fireballs our way. Every time I take Danny outside at night, I look up to see if I can spot any. I saw only one–EJ was with me this weekend when we saw one streak across the sky. Pretty cool. JJ went out with me last night. We didn’t see any fireballs, but we did see eyes in the forest. We couldn’t tell what it was. We know there are a lot of deer on our property. I haven’t seen a deer in a couple of months, but whenever I walk down to get the mail, I see many, many deer prints all along the driveway, just out of sight of the house. There are some prints that are large and very deep which EJ says indicates it’s a big buck.
The weather this month has been unseasonably warm and very nice but tomorrow night we are supposed to get high winds that could cause downed trees and power outages. It looks on the weather maps as if the center of the storm is headed straight for us. Oh, joy!
EJ came home from work early yesterday because he wasn’t feeling well. He still wasn’t feeling great today, but because the warm weather isn’t going to last forever, he climbed up on the roof of the house this afternoon to caulk around the skylights to make sure they are weather proof. He is scared of heights, but unlike our old house, our new house is only one story and he is able to climb up there without too much difficulty. When EJ was safely back to the ground, he changed the oil in the suburban.
I didn’t want to have EJ working on the roof alone in case he fell, so while he was up there working, I stayed outside within view. I figured EJ was pretty safe just lying up there, so Danny and I wandered into the forest a bit. The bare trees allowed me to see EJ without difficulty. At the end of our walk, just a short distance from the edge of the forest, I saw a couple of fallen trees that looked as if they had recently been ripped open by claws. There were wood chips on the ground near the logs. I know that many animals–including deer and bears–rub against or claw standing trees, but I don’t know of animals that claw fallen logs. I took photos and sent them to the Michigan Department of Natural Resources to see if they could tell me what sort of animal would do that. Bear? Cougar?
I learned this week about Coywolves, which are a hybrid species between coyotes and wolves. They are bigger than coyotes, smaller than wolves, and are very intelligent. They are thought to have first appeared in Canada in the early 1990s, but have been spreading–even making their homes in large cities. I googled to see if there are any in Michigan and learned that they were sighted in February 2015 in a nearby county in Northern Michigan.
I am beginning to wonder whose eyes JJ and I saw looking at us from the forest last night.
More Than I Imagine
Life seems to be one nail-biting cliffhanger after another. This is another chapter to our continuing saga.
Those of you who have been reading our family’s story we recall that last Winter I looked at EJ and saw that his company was destroying his health, and I looked at JJ and saw that he was discouraged and struggling to recover from cancer, and I looked at myself, and knew that my emotionally abusive family was wearying me. We had talked and dreamed and hoped to move for years, but never could until last Spring when I began to pray desperately that God would move us away. From that moment, things began to happen and in a very short time we were living in a place that was everything we dreamed of. When I consider everything that has happened, and when I see renewed hope and joy on my guys’ faces, I can only believe that God has moved us here.
Of course there has been challenges. We all are suffering from various forms of chronic stress, PTSD, and burnout, which has caused us to have anxiety attacks. But we moved here to get a fresh start, and to get away from the chronic stress, and to be able to rest and recover.
It was all a huge risk, and it took everything we had to move here. We expected our house to sell for a decent enough price but because of a bad housing market downstate, we weren’t able to get even close to the price we hoped for our house. Despite setting a low price on our house, it’s not selling as quickly as we anticipated. With having to keep the utilities on at the old house, needing to pay taxes, and so forth, the house is a financial drain on us. We weren’t able to move everything up at one time, and frequent trips south have also been a drain.
In addition, we have JJ’s medical bills to pay off down at the old Cancer Center. We are on a payment plan and have only a little over $2,000 left, but it’s still a monthly expense that will take time to pay off. Because we are in a new hospital system up here, we also have bills up here–getting JJ’s port removed and his CT scans, for example. And although the doctor suspected EJ’s symptoms were due to anxiety, she had him wear a monitor a couple of months ago to make sure he wasn’t having heart problems. That was also much more expensive than anticipated even with insurance.
We scraped together a decent savings to enable us to move. However, the expense of the old house, and the medical bills, and having to fix the driveway, and needing to prepare for winter has drained our savings, so that we don’t have much left. The driveway was terribly expensive, but the work absolutely had to be done or we would have needed mules to travel up and down our drive. We still need to get a snowblower or something to plow out our driveway this winter because our area usually gets tons of snow, so after we buy that, we’ll have maybe two months of savings left. Maybe. Then we are screwed.
I have been anxious about how we would manage when our savings ran out. Whenever I think that maybe we will be ok, I find another large bill–usually medical–in the mailbox. Yesterday I wrote down all our monthly expenses and it was worse than I thought. When our savings are exhausted, we might have enough money to pay all our monthly expenses if we don’t buy groceries or gas for our vehicles or have any more unexpected expenses. I presented this to EJ and JJ and then burst into tears because, of course, we need to eat and buy gas.
I am seriously looking into getting a job, which might seem to be a trivial matter to those families who have both spouses working outside the home, but I haven’t worked in over 20 years, and I never wanted or anticipated having to return to work, and my skills are all out-dated, and I am not sure I will be hireable. Also, only two of our vehicles can handle snow, which means I would have to find a job very close by so I wouldn’t have to drive far. I am so dreading getting a job, most especially because we are so physically, emotionally, and spiritually burned out and are craving time to rest and enjoy life for a bit. We didn’t want to have to worry about bills or me finding a job. I would stiffen my resolve and suck it up, but the hardest thing is that since EJ works nights and I would work days, we probably wouldn’t see each other much, which is unendurable because we enjoy being together and we miss each other terribly when we are apart.
None of us want me to have to get a job, so we are looking at our finances and trying to cut everything we possibly can. We need to reduce our monthly expenses to increase our cash flow. If the old house sells, even if we don’t get much out of it, we can probably pay off one of our bills–which would free up some cash. December has three paychecks instead of two, so we can use the extra to reduce or pay off another bill. We are going to talk to the insurance agency about reducing our insurance costs. For example, if I don’t work, we could keep insurance on only two of the vehicles and store the HHR for the winter since it doesn’t have 4-wheel drive. EJ was told that his new company usually gives huge yearly bonuses in January, which would help us tremendously. However, EJ said today that an employee made a mistake that will cost the company a couple million dollars so it’s unlikely that they will get the bonuses. That figures. Bummer.
JJ, bless his heart, said that we are all in this together and he will help with the bills until we get through this. He has been looking for a better paying job, but he currently works part-time at minimum wage and he is giving half his monthly earnings to help out–and he has offered more if needed. This, of course, may affect or delay his going back to college but we won’t be able to manage without it. JJ also said that if I have to work, we can divide up the chores at home so I don’t have to do it all.
I am fervently praying for some more miracles. Ephesians 20 says, “Now to him who by his power working in us is able to do far beyond anything we can ask or imagine…” I said to God, “You know I can imagine an awful lot–like walking to the mailbox and instead of finding another huge bill, finding a huge check that would totally pay off our house…” I’m just saying. I have a really good imagination. But I actually would be content if He’d sell our old house for us, and that He’d somehow make it so we could eliminate some of our bills, and that He would enable us to recover from all the stress we’ve had in our lives. I’m begging for some miracles. I wouldn’t mind you all praying too.
This morning JJ asked if I would please, please, please take him to his counseling session so he didn’t have to drive there and back again alone. Since I could tell he was stressed, I agreed. The weather has been very warm this week so after I dropped JJ off, I drove to a nearby park and enjoyed the beauty surrounding me while I talked on the phone to my dear friend. Here are photos of the view. Oh, and also a few from our beautiful Enchanted Forest.
November
Last week we had a lot of blustery rainy days which blew most of the leaves off the trees. There are just a few determined leaves hanging on. It is looking very November-ish now with bare trees and gray skies. Even though it’s not as colorful, there is still beauty. Without the leaves hindering our view, we are able to see more of the horizon, which means that we will be able to see sunrises, sunsets, the moon rise, and the Northern Lights.
This morning Danny wanted outside shortly after I woke up, so I was able to see the sun peeking through the bare trees. As soon as the sun was able to rise above our eastern hill, it shone on the carpet of leaves and lit up the forest with a golden light. It was very beautiful but impossible to capture with a camera. Photographs just don’t allow you to see deep into the forest or the beauty of the shadows cast by the trees.
Photographs also cannot capture the beautiful fragrance of the trees. Sometimes as we have driven through miles of forest, EJ and I have rolled down our windows and stuck out our heads to breath in the forest fragrances. Other times we have walked in our Enchanted Forest and breathed deeply: Ahhhhhh!
Saturday night we moved our clocks back an hour. I really hate the time change because I don’t see much sense in it, I hate having to adjust to a new time, and I hate that it gets darker an hour earlier. It is so very, very black in the Enchanted Forest that when I look out my window, I see nothing but blackness. Having the dark arrive an hour earlier is not enjoyable (especially since the giant spiders come out at night). We are actually planning to buy full spectrum lights for our living room lamps, which mimic the light of the sun and help prevent Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) which is caused by reduced sunlight during winter.
The really good thing about having darkness come early is that we will see the night sky earlier. Tonight a very strong geomagnetic storm is forecast to hit the earth which means that the changes of seeing the Northern Lights are very strong. I’m really excited and I’m hoping the clouds will clear so we can see the sky. I keep checking the Aurora sites to see how strong the geomagnetic activity levels are. I have two sites that I go to.
Soft Serve News – Aurora Forecast
This morning I got a call from the ophthalmologist’s office that my new glasses had arrived! Yay! EJ and JJ were both sleeping, so I left them a note and drove into the town that we have nicknamed Eureka. I always love the drives to and from various places because they are so beautiful. Whenever I go anywhere, I am thankful that we actually live in such a beautifully awesome place. I really like my new glasses. I don’t know how well it shows up in the photo, but they are a pretty dark coppery color.
Sunday EJ and I did a few winterizing activities: We cleared out the old nests from the birdhouses and put up the last of the birdhouses that we brought from the old house. We also moved the park benches and lawn chairs into the garage for winter storage. EJ went down into the crawl space to make sure everything was good and he also checked the furnace filter. Well, we actually don’t have a regular furnace, we have a geothermal heat pump, which somehow brings up hot (or cool) air from the earth to heat (or cool) the house. It’s expensive to install but very energy efficient and cheap to run. EJ has always wanted to have one, and this house came with it! Anyway, I don’t understand it all, but even though it’s not like a regular furnace, it has a filter. EJ said it was a very good filter so we won’t need to replace it yet.
EJ had told me that “we” needed to go check out the crawl space, but I replied “What do you mean WE? I’m not going down there, no way.” I watched him climb down into the crawl space with apprehension. Would he find Giant spiders? Snakes? Rats? Goblins? But he actually said that it was very nice down there.
JJ has been working on enrolling in the local college and last week he got an acceptance letter. I think he is planning to take some classes next semester. He wants to be a writer. When we still lived downstate, JJ took a writing class through the community education program at a local school. He was disappointed that he was the only student in the class but the teacher, who was a journalist and a writer, was so impressed by his talent that she kept meeting with him…for free! At his last class before moving north, she gave him a card telling him that she thought he was an awesome writer and to keep writing.
JJ came home from work last night really excited. He is a cashier at a retail store and two people he waited on told him that they were impressed by him and would like him to work for them. One was the owner of a landscape business and the other was a woman from a bank–I’m not sure of her position but I would assume she had some say in who gets hired. He has had job offers from others he has waited on as well in previous months. This morning he applied on-line at the bank and plans to stop in at the landscape company on his next day off.
JJ told me last week that he feels that his life is really going somewhere now, which he didn’t feel when we lived downstate. I’m so happy that my guys are both so happy up here.
I loved Halloween this year…because for the first time ever I live in a place where we don’t have hundreds of trick-or-treaters walking through our neighborhood. I remember how fun it was as a child to dress up and go door-to-door for free candy, but when I became an adult and understood where the Halloween traditions came from, I grew to dislike it. Halloween had its roots in druid beliefs. In fact, most pagan celebrations, including “harvest” celebrations, were directly connected to the worship of idols. Even secular people today understand that Halloween is connected with demons, witches, darkness, and death. Just look at the type of movies shown at this time of year. I often wonder what people who think we can “redeem” a pagan holiday think the verses mean that say we are to “not do as the pagans do,” or “come out from among them and be separate,” or “have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness.” What makes Halloween so special that we feel we must cling to it? I believe that G-d never endorses mixing a pagan holiday in with worship of Him. As 2 Corinthians 6:14-16 asks:
What fellowship does light have with darkness? What harmony can there be between the Messiah and B’liya‘al? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement can there be between the temple of God and idols? (Complete Jewish Bible)
I do not believe we can redeem a pagan holiday. However, I am not really here to debate the issue of Halloween. I am just presenting some thoughts to consider. I know that Halloween is a controversial topic and no one is going to change unless they are convinced that it’s necessary–so ultimately it’s an issue between a person and G-d. As much as I try to pursue and live truth, I think that in the world to come, I will find that many things I believed were in error–because who of us understands all truth perfectly? Certainly not me. I think that all those who love G-d are on a journey from what we were to what we will become, from old beliefs to new ones, from error to truth, from darkness to light. It’s not an easy journey and it’s often a struggle–and takes time–to sort through beliefs, traditions, and ways of living.
I am sadden not by people who struggle to change and grow, but by those who refuse to even consider that maybe they might be wrong in some of their beliefs or who refuse to honestly search whether or not what they believe is actually truth. I think that we should be willing to honestly seek the truth and to let go of any beliefs or traditions–no matter how cherished–that are not truth. I’m saddened by how many people defend their beliefs without honestly searching out what G-d actually says. I’ve had several Christians tell me when shown Scripture that contradicted their beliefs that, “Even though the Bible says that…” or “Even though Jesus said that….” “I still believe that….” And I think, “Did you just hear what you just said?” You claim to obey the Bible and yet whether or not the Bible supports what you believe, you say you are still going to believe what you choose to believe. It is illogical.
Some things just don’t make sense to me. I just don’t get it. I’m just very glad that my October 31st was very quiet this year.
Bare Trees
I woke up this morning with a lot of congestion and a deep cough. My neck also felt itchy–and I realized that I had been scratching it in my sleep. I looked in the mirror and saw that I have a rash that looks like hives. Seriously? I have no idea what is causing it. Ugh. EJ had only had minor cold symptoms but now he seems to be getting sicker.
JJ had his appointment with his counselor this morning and he wanted me to go with him because he hates going alone, but I told him that I really felt too sick so he needed to go alone.
I was really too tired, but I had a lot of leftover chicken that needed to taken care of so after JJ left I made three homemade chicken pot pies. I cooked one for lunch and froze the other two. After we devoured most of it, I sat down in the living room. I wasn’t sitting long when Danny came to get me. I followed him out into the kitchen, thinking he was telling me that he wanted to go outside. Instead, he led me to the stove where the remainder of the potpie was. Apparently, he thought it was his portion. I don’t think so, Danny Boy.
We were out of a few essentials–like kitty litter–so EJ and I drove to the grocery store after lunch. I managed the little shopping cart until I kept running into things. Then EJ said, “You want me to drive?” because my mind was all fuzzy. I gladly let him take control of the cart. When we got back home and the groceries were unloaded, he fell asleep in his chair. I tried to nap on the love seat, but wasn’t able to fall asleep.
Last night rain began to fall and the wind began to blow, and both rain and wind has continued throughout today. The rain and wind have torn a lot of leaves from the trees so that now there appears to be more bare trees than leafy ones. However, the Enchanted Forest is still very lovely. The good thing about bare trees is that we are able to see more of the horizon, which means that we might be able to see sunrises and sunsets and the Northern Lights.
This afternoon I looked out the window and saw that a bit of sunshine had lit up some golden trees against a sky of dark clouds. It was gorgeous. I ran outside with my camera: Click, click, click.
Today one of the Michigan pages at Facebook asked if people were excited or terrified about winter approaching. I commented that I was both because I like winter but we had just moved to this area and I had no idea what to expect. Everyone tells us that the particular area in which we live gets a lot snow dumped on it. Does that mean we will get a few feet of snow? Or will the snow be so deep that it buries the house and we will have to dig tunnels and get sled dogs? I will be glad when we get through our first winter so I know what to expect and can prepare for it. I do sort of look forward to observing the tracks of animals in the snow. It will be interesting to identify what animals are traveling across our property. I bet there are more than deer and wild turkeys and the little rabbit that lives at the bottom of the driveway.
A few days ago I “lost” the visitor map at the right side of my blog. I tried to get it back but it no longer works right. I have contacted support and I’ve also tried to find new visitor maps but most use “Java” and don’t work on WordPress blogs. There are others that sort of work, but I don’t really like them. So if you see weird coding or an item that is there one day and gone the next, that is me playing around with stuff. I’ll figure it out eventually.
Lothlorien
I had wondered what colors our forest would wear in the autumn. Most of the trees turned golden with just a little splash of red here and there. Our forest turned so golden that it reminded me of Lothlorien in The Lord of the Rings, which was considered one of the most beautiful and elvish places in Middle-earth. It was often called the Golden Wood, referring to the golden mallorn trees that grew in that land. It was also called the “Valley of Singing Gold.” (Yes, I admit it, I really love Middle-earth.)
Every day more and more leaves fall in a golden rain. It’s awesome! More trees are becoming bare, which means we can see deeper into the forest which is now covered with a golden carpet. The bare trees reveal secrets: I spotted a huge wasp or hornet nest hanging from a tree. I’ve never seen one so large. The biggest one I had ever seen before this was when I was a child. The nest was in the peak of our two-story house and my Dad, who was involved in archery tournaments, shot it down with his bow. For years there were a couple of arrows stuck in the house.
I tried to capture some of the showers of leaves on video today, and I also videoed Danny racing around the yard. Most of the time he just sort of slowly meanders, but now and then he races around as if he is so excited he can’t contain himself. By the time I turned on my camera he was mostly done running, but I caught a little of it.
Danny looked so awesome sitting in the leaves today that I took photos of him. The photos turned out exceptionally well and he looks regal. Usually I just get a black blob with eyes and a nose.
Today I read an article that said that the Snowy Owls were beginning to migrate south for the winter. There have been sightings not too far from here. I have never seen a Snowy Owl, and I would love to see one, so I am keeping my eyes open. I saw a huge bird soaring overhead this weekend and called for EJ to “Hurry! Come! Look!” He said he thought it was a red-tailed hawk. I have seen hawks before, but this one looked big. It was awesome.
EJ’s Mom and sister came to visit this last weekend. Because we don’t have a guest room (our third bedroom is our library), they stayed in a nearby motel and visited on Friday and Saturday afternoons. It was really nice to see them. EJ’s Mom is getting more feeble each time we see her.
JJ got sick with some sort of respiratory infection late last week. He came home early from work on Thursday. He talked to Grandma a little, but didn’t get too close because he didn’t want to risk making her sick. He seemed to get over it quickly, so he was able to have breakfast with his Dad, Grandma, and Aunt at a restaurant on Sunday morning before Grandma and Aunt made the long trip home. I, on the other hand, got sick on Saturday night and spent Sunday in bed with a bad headache, body aches, congestion, and sneezes. I’m improving now, but I’m still not feeling particularly well. I think it hit me hardest because I am so depleted.
On Friday night EJ stopped at a grocery store after work and bought some Sambucus, which is an elderberry extract that is supposed to diminish the effects of colds and such. When he got home, he poured us each a dose into medicine cups. It was a thick dark purple liquid. JJ saw it and asked a couple of times, “What is it? What is it?” I suddenly remembered when he was in preschool. I babysat a few kids at the time, and they used to come out to the kitchen where I was making lunch and asked repeatedly, “What are you making? What are we having for lunch?” At first I answered honestly, but they all asked so often that I started making up wild creative answers: “We are having boiled worms today” or “I’m making baked shark” or “This is fried octopus.” Whichever child asked the question would run into the other room yelling, “Yuck! She said she’s making boiled worms!” Back to the present: Friday night EJ started telling JJ that he was giving him Sambucus, but I interrupted and said, “It’s Dragon’s Blood. If you drink it, or so they say, you will be able to understand the speech of animals. If you make friends with a dragon, he sometimes will let you have a few drops.” Since then, we’ve been referring to the elderberry extract as Dragon’s Blood. “Have you had any Dragon’s Blood yet today?” we ask. I probably read too many fantasy stories.
Last night Danny asked to go outside at about midnight. He danced with impatience, so I knew the need was urgent. I put his leash on him, as I do every night, because I don’t want to risk losing him in the black darkness of the night. I opened the door and he ran out ahead of me, and then I saw it. The GIANT SPIDER in the middle of the porch. I screamed and slammed the door, with Danny outside and me holding the handle of the retractable leash inside. Since the door would hold the leash and prevent Danny from wandering away, I dropped the handle, grabbed the Spider Killer spray, and went out the other door and around to the porch. With sickening fear I approached the vile creature and sprayed and sprayed and sprayed him. He crawled off, leaving a spider outline in the foam–like a crime scene drawing. He was mostly dead but still alive, so with pounding heart I stepped over him and opened the door holding Danny’s leash. I took Danny off to use his “facilities.” I swear this spider was the biggest yet. I wanted proof of his size and I thought the spider outline would make an interesting photo so with a thudding heart and many looks around to make sure no other giant spiders were sneaking up on me, I took my camera outside and took a picture. Later I went out again with a tape measure so I could have a scale to compare him to. I felt like a homicide detective.
JJ laughed at my fear and then kept exclaiming, “Oh! There’s a spider on you!” He used to do that to me a lot when he was a kid, and usually I tried to keep my cool but sometimes I forgot and totally freaked out. I never particularly liked the scares, but it seems something boys like to do, and I could pretty much handle it down where the spiders were small. But up here, the spiders are so big that they have me completely scared. EJ reassured me today that there are no spiders on earth that hunt humans and that wolf spiders are not harmful. I’m not convinced. However, I think I am scared of spiders because of all the corny now-classic horror movies that were on TV on Saturday afternoons when I was a kid. I never liked horror movies, but I had a bunch of older siblings…Some of the movies had gigantic spiders that terrorized a city. Then there were the movies in the 1970s in which someone nasty would always place a tarantula in a house to terrorize a victim and it would sloooowly creep across the bed toward her. And then there is the giant spiders in fantasy movies like The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings. Spiders are the stuff of nightmares. Shudder. I told JJ today that it’s not funny anymore. I would never ever scare anyone with the thing that scares them and he needs to stop scaring me. He apologized and said he won’t….but I expect he will forget.
Even though the huge spiders scare me, they don’t immobilize me. I still go out and kill them, which takes courage. JJ can tease me, but he was just as scared when the one got inside the door a few weeks ago…and he’s not out there confronting the spiders and killing them. It’s easy to be brave when you don’t have to deal with the spiders.
Spiders and Trees
Yesterday I bought some spider spray so I’d be armed if I encountered anymore giant spiders. They really do scare me, and I found my “spider senses” are tingling with alertness.
I especially scan the front porch when Danny wants out at night because several times I’ve spotted the giant spiders lurking there. Last night when Danny wanted out at about 11 p.m., I grabbed my spider killer spray and looked through the door window. At first I didn’t see any spiders but then I spied a very giant spider right in the middle of the porch where we would have walked! Shudder! So Danny and I went out the other door and came around to the porch and sprayed the spider with the spray. He crawled so I sprayed him again, and then sprayed him again. He (or she) crawled off into a crack. I moved the pets water dish and there was another one near it. EEEEEKKKK! I screamed and jumped back and I was able to spray him before he scurried off. I sprayed the crack that he disappeared into. I didn’t know if they were dead or alive, but this morning I found the corpse of a spider very close to the front door. Since that is not where he was originally I suspect he was trying to crawl into the house to terrorize me when he died.
I almost regret killing spiders outside because they eat other insects that I don’t like. However, I absolutely don’t want them invading my house.
I’ve had a terrible headache off and on all week–not a migraine. We think it’s due to stress. This week has been a busy one, and JJ is sick, and EJ isn’t feeling well. We are trying to relax, rest, and recover but we haven’t really had much of a chance yet to really just rest in our new home–not as much as we need to. It took us a long time to get this burned out and it’s going to take a long time to get out of it. The world doesn’t stop because we need it to. I told EJ today that I do not really understand how to regain our energy when everything totally drains us.
But it helps that we live in a beautiful area. Beauty feeds and soothes my spirit. I drove JJ to some appointments a couple of days this week and we did some of my errands too. Whenever we go anywhere, the beauty is so amazing and indescribable. I hate driving up here–only because whenever I drive, I tend to go too slow because I want to drink in the beauty and take pictures. I can’t drive and take pictures at the same time. However, the beauty on our property is also amazing and I took some photos this morning when EJ, Danny, and I walked to get the mail. (You can click on the photos to make them bigger and read the captions.)
In spite of the spiders, I am so glad we live here.
I Love To Go A Gardening 