I Love To Go A Gardening
Growing Our Life in Northern Michigan
Terror in the Enchanted Forest
This afternoon JJ wanted me to go with him while he ran some errands in the Enchanted Forest. We went into the garage, opened the big door, and then we saw it in the doorway right behind the car: The HUGE SCARY SPIDER. I swear that it was the size of a baby’s hand.
I told JJ to take a picture of it while I ran in to get EJ, who has not yet seen the size of these spiders. He saw the dead, curled up corpse of the one that had gotten just inside the door–and at which we had sprayed half a can of Ant and Roach Killer before it finally died–but he had not seen a live one. EJ came out into the garage and was suitably impressed. After he saw it, I yelled in panic, “Ok, Now KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IT!” I didn’t mean for him to stomped on it with his bare foot. Squish. Eeeewwwww!
One of my friends at Facebook said that it was a wolf spider. Another friend said, “If it was a wolf spider, you’re fortunate it was not a female with a hundred babies on her back. They would have jumped off and scattered all over your garage.”
I’ve never liked creepy crawlies, but I had formed an uneasy truce with them. If they are outside, I promised to leave them alone because that is THEIR territory. If they are in my house, however, their lives would be forfeit because they are in MY territory. If any crawl on me, whether inside or outside, I will scream, jump around in my panicked “GET IT OFF!” dance, and THEN I will kill it.
These HUGE spiders scare me so I consider the truce over. Only….they are so HUGE that I’m afraid to get close enough to kill them. I can kill little spiders, but not HUGE ones. So I tell EJ that HE needs to kill them. However, he is still keeping the truce: if they are outside, they can live. He was doing me a favor by killing the one in the garage today. If he hadn’t killed it, I would have run over it with the car.
I thought huge spiders lived only in Australia, or Africa, or the Middle East, or the rain forest, or Texas. It never occurred to me that the spiders in the North would be so freakin’ HUGE. They shouldn’t be where it’s cold and snowy, they should be where it’s hot. I guess I should have known better. In every story about Enchanted Forests, there are always huge scary spiders. Duh.
The huge spiders have made me jumpy. I’m always on the watch for spiders, and I check shoes and stuff before I put them on. Tonight when I took Danny outside, I scanned my surroundings, looking for huge scary spiders. I spotted one on the front porch, about a foot from the door. It was huge. I nervously got Danny and myself in the house. I got my camera and was going to take a picture or video of it, but I was too scared. I imagined it having hundreds of babies, all of which invade my house.
Yikes!
Before and After, Ending and Beginning
Just a few days ago–on Friday–we had our first snow of the year. EJ and I took Danny outside at about 11:30 p.m. and we had fun playing with the snow and the flashlights I had recently bought from Amazon. The flashlights only cost $8, but they are very powerful. We can make the beam very big so it lights up a large area or we can make it very small and focused so we can light up a long distance. We can use the narrow beam as a pointer to point out stars in the sky, we can light up the tops of the trees, and I often point the light at the edge of the forest to see if I see eyes of animals or other strange beasts watching me. So far, nothing. On Friday night, EJ and I pointed our flashlights straight up and watched the snow showering down on us from the sky. It was fun.
Saturday morning when I woke up, it was snowing hard. I took my camera and walked out into it. It was magical–like being in a snow globe. It made me feel like dancing in the snow. I took photos and this video:
JJ kind of freaked out about the weather because he had to go to work and he is inexperienced at driving in snow. I told him that he’s going to have to get used to it because this snow is nothing compared to what’s coming. Everyone tells us that our area really gets snow dumped on it. EJ’s co-workers told him it would be a really good idea to pack a sleeping bag and change of clothes in his vehicle during the winter in case there’s a snowstorm and he can’t make it home. I passed that info on to JJ and he said, “Are you serious??? I’m not sure I want to live here anymore!” I said, “Well, it’s a little late now!”
The snow motivated EJ and me into going out in the garage to look for our winter boots. We have been so busy either working on the driveway or going to the old house that we haven’t had time to unpack all the boxes. I thought I had at least gotten all the clothes unpacked, but I found a box of my clothes, a box of EJ’s clothes, and a box or two of coats. It was kind of fun unpacking the boxes and rediscovering clothes I had forgotten about. I spent several hours washing the clothes and coats and hats and mittens–not only because they had been sitting in the garage for several months, but also because I wanted to kill any spiders that might have decided to hide in them. Oh, and I also found the boots.
As we sorted through the boxes, we got EJ’s garage a little bit more organized. There is a lot to do, but we can work on it little by little. I also made a comfy “house” for the outside cats on a bottom shelf. I draped an old blanket over the shelf above so that it hung down front and back, and over that I draped a large carpet remnant from JJ’s old bedroom downstate, curling it onto the bottom shelf so the cats could lay on it. Over that I draped a mat that the treadmill used to set on. On top of the carpet remnant on the bottom shelf I put an old carharts coat, and then a blanket on top of that to provide a bed for the cats. The cats now have an enclosed little house that is pretty well insulated. EJ suggested we put a heating pad in there when the days get colder.
The weather warmed up and the temperatures reached into the 60s today. A thunderstorm moved in about the time EJ had to leave for work this evening. I took a video–well, actually, several–of the lightning and rain and clouds. I captured a few streaks and flashes of lightning in this last one:
Yesterday I came across an article at FB entitled, “How Each Personality Type Responds To Nature.” If you recall my delight in nature and the wildlife that wanders through our land, and my longing to find peace and refreshment in our Enchanted Forest, then you will recognize that this description about INFJs described me exactly:
INFJs often feel a deep connection to nature. They enjoy the purity of wildlife and enjoy immersing themselves in it. An INFJ might enjoy the idea of living in the countryside and being able to experience some peace and quiet. There is something very relaxing and rejuvenating about nature for the INFJ. Being surrounded by nature can truly help the INFJ connect with their intuition on a deeper level. Letting go of all the harsh surroundings and just enjoying what the world has to offer. They enjoy the innocence and whimsical feeling of being surrounded by nature. Something about being encircled by wildlife makes the INFJ feel balanced and at peace.
That explains why I was so desperate and relieved to move up north. I think that mid-Michigan is pretty with its fields and farmlands, but I love wild forests and lakes best. Mid-Michigan had become a “harsh” place for us with our experiences of abusive people, and difficult workplaces, and battles with illness. I felt hungry to look out my window and see something other than houses and to look up into a night sky that is not dimmed by light pollution. My spirit has felt so dry that I needed to move to an area where I could be refreshed. Everyday we thank God for bringing us north.
This morning EJ went with me to the ophthalmologist’s office so I could order my glasses. I know the way, but besides the fact that EJ and I enjoy spending time together, he went with me in case there was a problem with our insurance. We were unable to order my new glass at my first appointment because there was no record of EJ having vision insurance. The next time we went to the office to order my glasses, the receptionist found that EJ was covered, but not that I was. This time the computers were down. I sighed, thinking I’d have to leave without my glasses ordered yet again. However, the receptionist took down all the measurements and information and said she’d complete the order when she was in the main office in the Emerald City this afternoon. My new glasses should arrive in a week or two. Yay!
The drive to and from the ophthalmologist was breathtaking. Click, click, click went my camera. I think that the normal camera setting doesn’t bring out the beautiful colors so I used the “Super Vivid” setting. However, I thought that setting made the colors too garish. It’s hard to photograph the colors of the leaves as they really are. On the way home, we stopped at a store. While EJ got gas, I ran in the store to grab two gallons of milk. My spirits sunk when I saw only one checkout lane open, and the woman ahead of me had a cart overflowing with groceries. I was so astounded when the cashier said to the customer, “Would you mind continuing to unload your cart while I go to the other cash register and ring this lady (me) out?” I have let people go ahead of me when they had fewer groceries than I did, and I have had people let me go ahead of them, but I’ve never had a cashier do what this one did. I think the people are truly amazing up here.
On the way to and from the ophthalmologist’s office, EJ and I talked, as we always do when we drive anywhere. The following is sort of what we talked about, with a few explanations for your benefit:
We have encountered many toxic people–not just family, but also friends. You don’t choose your family, of course, but you do choose your friends, so why would anyone choose toxic friends? You can read more details about emotional abuse and my own story here. However, to sum up, I will say that the thing about emotional abusers such as narcissists is that they are very insidious. They can appear to be very charming and loving to outsiders while they are abusing their victims. That’s so if the victim ever speaks up, no one will believe that such a charming, loving person could ever be abusive, and they will believe that the victim is the one who is abusive, unstable, unloving, and unforgiving. Therefore, the victim becomes victimized many times over: by the abuser and by all those who support him in accusing her. Also, through skillful manipulation, the abuser can “groom” the victim to accept abuse by eroding her confidence and identity so that she believes that she really is the awful abusive, unstable, unloving, and unforgiving person she is accused of being. Emotional abusers are described in the Bible in verses such as Psalms 55:22:
What he said sounded smoother than butter, but his heart was at war. His words seemed more soothing than oil, but in fact they were sharp swords.
Emotional abusers specifically target people who are very moral, compassionate, and forgiving because those people will try hard to salvage a relationship, especially if they think they are responsible–in whole or in part– for its failure. Abusers, like any predator, go where their “prey” is, and since Christians are taught to put others first, to love unconditionally, and to forgive without question, many abusers can be found in places like churches. The Bible also warned about this when it described wolves in sheep’s clothing.
In addition, victims tend to encounter multiple abusers because 1. either they grew up in an abusive family and never learned to set healthy boundaries, or 2. their boundaries were undermined and eroded by abusers. Part of recovery involves the victim learning to set boundaries and to say “No.”
I share all this to explain that we have encountered many toxic people in our lives–not just family, but also friends. None of them look as if they would be toxic. They have not looked like scary criminals or drug addicts or psychopaths in movies. They are parents, teachers, pastors, deacons, church members, farmers, or anyone. You can’t tell from the beginning that these people are emotionally abusive and it’s only when we have invested time and love into a relationship that we have finally uncovered that this deacon is manipulative and deceptive, or that friend who says he is a Christian uses people and has little integrity, or that pastor is extremely controlling and abusive, or that co-worker friend whom we’ve helped move twice is jealous and tried to get EJ fired and also said that if society fell apart he would first steal from us. I’m not making this stuff up. Some experts say that personality disorders such as Narcissism is increasing to epidemic levels, which actually verifies what 2 Timothy 3:1-5 says.
Moreover, understand this: in the Last Days will come trying times. People will be self-loving, money-loving, proud, arrogant, insulting, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, uncontrolled, brutal, hateful of good, traitorous, headstrong, swollen with conceit, loving pleasure rather than God, as they retain the outer form of religion but deny its power. Stay away from these people!
I don’t really understand why people have so much trouble believing these types of people exist when God says they do. And notice the Bible also says to stay away from them.
There are moments or experiences in life that I have used as a sort of Before and After or an Ending and Beginning. Moving up North is our Before and After and our Ending and Beginning. Before, we were ignorant of abuse, but After we experienced it, we learned to recognize and understand it, we struggled and battled it, and we grew from it. All through our lives, God has used every difficult, painful, heartbreaking experience to teach us something important. Each encounter with an abusive person has taught us many deep and important truths about concepts such as abuse, love, forgiveness, repentance, and reconciliation. Each encounter has taught us about who we are and about healthy boundaries as well.
Still, abuse causes damage and there are a lot of entanglements for us downstate. If you haven’t experienced abuse, then you probably are unaware that places can trigger memories–of either happier times or painful times that now cause pain. And every time you go to a store, you find yourself scanning the crowd (even if you try not to) and planning what you will do if you encounter an abusive person. And if you do encounter them, it causes you anguish. There are friends who remain in your life, who you care about, but who constantly disregard boundaries or use every opportunity to take advantage of you.
Before there were toxic people in our lives. Moving up North was the Ending of our tolerance of such behaviors. We decided that we will set boundaries, we will not accept toxic friendships–old or new–up here. Some people have not been given our new phone numbers, our new emails, or our address. Others have become very limited friends. The Enchanted Forest is the Beginning of our healing, it will be our sanctuary.
EJ and I discussed these things on the way home from the ophthalmologist today. I remembered an awesome teaching from Ethics of the Fathers, ethical teachings found in the Talmud. I had studied these teachings with my Israeli friend and JJ and I studied The Book of Jewish Values, based largely on Ethics of the Fathers, in homeschool several years ago. We found them to be very practical and thought-provoking. We learned things such as that the Biblical command “Do not steal” doesn’t just mean don’t steal a person’s money or possessions, but also don’t steal his time or knowledge. For example, asking a store salesman for information about a product while actually planning to buy it from another store is stealing the salesman time and knowledge–because in taking his time by asking him about a product you have no intention of buying from him, you are preventing him from earning a commission from customers who would buy the product from him. You are actually stealing his living from him. We also learned that we should “judge all men (people) favorably.” For example, if you know a person is always honest, but one day appears to not be telling the truth, assume that you might not have all the facts and give him the benefit of the doubt. Don’t quickly assume he’s a liar. However, “Don’t associate with a bad neighbor.” In other words, if someone habitually lies, that’s not a one-time thing, that’s a serious character flaw. He’s a liar so don’t associate with him. Very practical.
Anyway, on the way home, I told EJ that I remembered an ethical teaching by an ancient Jewish sage named Hillel. I could remember only part of it, so I googled it when I got home.
“If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, when?” (Ethics of the Fathers, 1:14)
The quote was part of an article called, “Me, Myself, and I.” My post is getting a bit too long, so you can click on the link to read the whole teaching, but the author explained that the first part of the quote–If I am not for myself, who will be for me?–has to do with the struggle with identity, which is something that abuse victims struggle with. There’s a difference between our true self and the “self” that comes from others, the author wrote. The idea is that only by breaking away from the external forces that operate upon our “selves” can we hope to come to our true “selves.” This has to do with knowing who we are, and being who we are, which, really, also involves setting healthy boundaries.
I understand the second part–But if I am only for myself, who am I?–as meaning that after we have “discovered and learned to express our identity and individuality we need to take the next step and bring it out into the world to others. Each of us has something unique to contribute and no one else can bring it into the world.”
The third part–If not now, when?–means that we have to begin to put these things into practice. Not later, but now.
This is all very important to abuse victims because in an abusive family, there is a “group think” type of relationship. The abuser(s) is in control, and everyone has to think the same, believe the same, act the same, or say–or not say–the things the abuser tells them to. So in a very real sense, a victim loses her identity to the abuser who presses HIS (or her) thoughts, beliefs, actions, and words onto her. The person who resists is guilted, shamed, smeared, or otherwise punished. A victim has to be very strong, she has to be for herself enough to fight to break free, to value herself, to have her own thoughts and beliefs and actions and words, and to set boundaries.
At the same time, as EJ and I have seen, there are so many people who are only for themselves. They always seek the advantage, they are willing to lie or steal if it benefits them, they will betray friendships, they use people until they use them all up…and then they find someone else to use. If we are only for ourselves, I think we become the people described in 2 Timothy 3, which I quoted above.
So we have to be for ourselves, but also for others. And that is a vital thing to understand.
A Minute in My Mind
There are some memes that appear on my Facebook timeline now and then that I really hate because although they can seem true, and may be somewhat true in some circumstances, I think they are mostly just blarney, especially if you think about them for a minute. Here are a couple such memes that I dislike as well as my reasons for disliking them:
Seriously? Everything? So the abused child chose to suffer the damage of abuse? The cancer patient and his family chose to get cancer and the affect it has on them? The Christians being persecuted in other parts of the world are choosing it? I don’t think so.
Right. So if a person gets a life-threatening disease, is abused, raped, murdered…it’s because “Life is an Echo,” what he gave he gets, so he deserved it. If life is always an echo, then Jesus must have done something really bad to have crucifixtion “echoed” back. While there is a reaping and sowing concept described in the Bible, 2 Tim 3:12 also says: “In fact, everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted.” In other words life isn’t always an echo. Sometimes the wicked attack the innocent. Sometimes people give love and goodness and suffer for it.
I do think that our attitude and thoughts are important when it comes to handling the difficulties of life. However, such a meme is too simplistic, acting as if all we have to do is have “positive thinking.” There are actually studies that show that positive thinking can sometimes be dangerous if it causes a person to deny or not prepare for reality. Most importantly, such advice ignores the courageous struggles of millions of people who battle to overcome anxiety, depression, and PTSD due to trauma that they didn’t choose and didn’t deserve. They might appear “negative” but they are in reality warriors fighting terrible battles.
An estimated 40 million American adults live with anxiety disorders, which includes Post-Tramatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). 350 million people worldwide suffer from depression. Anxiety, PTSD, and depression can be caused by military service, abuse, life-threatening illness, being a caretaker of those who are ill, and so forth.
Between us, EJ, JJ, and I have suffered abuse, chronic pain, chronic illness, as well as other things. What affects one of us affects us all so we all have gone through a lot as a family. JJ told me last week that when he “dumped everything out” to his new counselor, the counselor said, “Wow, you really should write a book about your life. Your life sounds like the movie, Shawshank Redemption.” (EJ says that Shawshank Redemption is a very difficult movie to watch, and I’m not old enough to watch it. LOL.) It’s difficult to describe our experiences because people tend to disbelief the abuse, assume we are merely being negative or unforgiving, or invalidate our experiences in some other way.
A
ll those experiences were difficult and damaging–and then JJ was diagnosed with cancer. Cancer is a traumatic event and can cause patients and their caregivers to develop PTSD. Our nephew, who is an ex-soldier suffering from PTSD, described it as “a normal response to an abnormal experience.” As I wrote in my post Aftermath, cancer has had a deep effect on us, similar to the destructive aftermath of a tornado. We had not yet recovered from the trauma of cancer when we decided we absolutely had to move to get a fresh start in a beautiful place. While the move has been very, very good for us and we are happier than we’ve ever been before, moving and settling into a new place is stressful, which has added to our exhaustion.
The other day a FB friend who is going through a lot of difficulties told me that her doctor had given her information about “Caregiver Burnout.” WebMD says that “Caregiver burnout is a state of physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion that can occur when caregivers don’t get the help they need, or if they try to do more than they are able — either physically or financially.” In other words, they stay too strong for too long. “Caregivers who are “burned out” may experience fatigue, stress, anxiety, and depression. When you’re burned out, it’s tough to do anything, let alone look after someone else. That’s why making time to rest, relax, and recharge isn’t a luxury.”
After I read this, I told EJ, “I think we are experiencing Caregiver Burnout. But there seems to be such a similarity between the symptoms of Burnout and PTSD that I wonder what the difference between the two are and which we have?” He said, “I think we are suffering from both.”
I guess in many ways this post is an attempt to educate the family and friends of those who have experienced traumatic events in their lives and who are suffering from PTSD, Anxiety, and/or Caregiver Burnout.
When JJ was little, I was diagnosed with chronic sinus infections, two bouts of Mono, and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome–all at the same time. (I tell you, our lives have been crazy.) Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (with the other complications) was very difficult because a normal person can exert himself and recover after rest. With CFS, I was always very fatigued, and if I tried to exert myself I just depleted my strength further. Rest didn’t restore me. I often felt as if my life vitality was like a piece of elastic with no elasticity in it–all limp and no stretchiness or bounce. In many ways, I feel as if EJ, JJ, and I are suffering from burnout so severe that it’s sort of like an emotional Chronic Fatigue. We are easily exhausted, easily overwhelmed, we have anxiety attacks, insomnia, and other symptoms.
It used to be that when something “extra” was required, we could find the energy to do it, knowing that we could rest afterwards. These days we feel as if there is nothing in reserve to get us through stuff that normally would just be annoyances or inconveniences. It takes a lot of energy to care for each other, to finish settling in to our new home, into new jobs, to find new stores, and new doctors. It’s financially, physically, and emotionally draining to have to keep making the long trip to the old house to move another load of possessions. (We are tired and depressed for days afterwards.) Any extra demands or expectations–even good ones–can exhaust and overwhelm us and trigger an anxiety attack.
We moved North so we could refresh and renew our spirits, diminish our chronic stress, recover from trauma, rest, and learn to enjoy life again. However, it will take time and effort for us to recover. Among other things, resting as much as possible, enjoying the quietness and beauty around us, going for drives, disconnecting from anxiety by focusing on the moment, doing fun things as a family, watching Netflix, and even coloring are all ways that we are battling the anxiety. Taking photographs and videos, writing in this blog, and studying Hebrew with my friend fills me with delight and laughter. These activities are not luxuries, they are necessities.
We also are learning to say “No.” I told EJ that I am learning to set boundaries out of desperation–because I feel like I won’t survive if I don’t. He agrees. We can’t endure much more trauma so we are very careful who we allow into our lives. We won’t allow any more abusive or toxic people into our lives who suck the energy and joy from us. We can’t.
If you are in our lives, it’s because we really want you to be. If we accept an invitation, it’s because we really want to see you. However, even people we love can deplete our limited energy, so we have to be careful about overdoing. Little expectations, requests, and demands are not little to us. It’s all we can do to care for the routine demands of our day. It’s tough to do anything, let alone look after someone else. So please accept the boundaries we set. If we say we can’t handle something, we really can’t handle it. If we shorten a visit, it’s because a long one is too overwhelming.
It’s not about you. Right now, it’s about us.
Firsts
This morning I studied Hebrew with my friend again on Google+. We are probably two of the slowest Hebrew students ever, but we love it so much and want to learn it so much that I think God should just give us an “A” for effort. Studying Hebrew with my friend is one of the highlights of my life because we laugh and have so much fun.
While we were studying, the Propane Guy came to fill up our propane tank. Poor EJ hadn’t been to bed very long, but I woke him up to deal with the Propane Guy because I have never, ever before lived in a house using propane and I felt out of my depth. There probably was nothing to it except to point to the tank and then write a check, but dealing with the Gravel Guy seemed simple too until he asked me questions that I had no idea how to answer. When the Propane Guy came to our door so we could pay him, I saw him pick up Tesla and cuddle her, which automatically made me like him.
I have a lot of Irish in my ancestry, so the name of our propane company is appealing: Blarney Castle. A week or so ago EJ told me that he had been practicing what he would say when he called to order the propane. In an Irish brogue he said, “Sure, an’ I’ll be needin’ some pro-pane brought to me wee humble cottage, the one at the top o’ the hill on the road to our little valley.” He didn’t actually say that, but we had a bit of a laugh at the thought.
Sometimes I think about all the “firsts” I am experiencing up here in the north: This is the first time I lived in a house using propane. This is the first time I’ve had well water. This is the first time I ever lived in the country. I’ve only ever lived in a town. This is the first time I’ve ever had more property than a city yard. This is the first time I’ve ever lived in a place where I can’t see my neighbors. This is the first time I’ve ever lived surrounded by a forest. This is the first time I’ve ever experience a darkness so dark, and a quietness so quiet. This is the first time I didn’t have to rake leaves in the autumn. In fact, the decaying leaves will be beneficial to our soil up here. This is the first time I’ve ever had wildlife wandering through my yard. The firsts go on and on and on, and they are really fun to think about. Every day I say to myself, “This is the first time…”
Today was another first: It was the first time I have ever been in Northern Michigan when it snowed. This morning it started out raining, and then it switched to snow, and then it went right back to rain in the blink of an eye–but it was actually snow. I thought that was the most we’d get, but then towards evening EJ pointed to the window and I looked outside and it was snowing, snowing, snowing. Excited, I ran outside with my camera and took a video of it.
This is the first time I have seen it snow so early in the year in a long, long time–and maybe ever. When I was a child growing up in mid-Michigan, I remember getting snow in November and even a little in late October. However, for years and years we have had late snow–sometimes not even until January. Snow this early in the year is amazing.
Winter weather is rapidly arriving and I’m not sure I’m ready for winter. I’m not quite sure what to expect from a Northern Michigan winter. However, it’s coming whether I am ready or not. I think it will be an adventure.
A Crazy Day in Michigan
When I wrote the other day about soon needing to exchange jackets for winter coats, I didn’t expect it to occur so quickly. Meteorologists are forecasting snow for our area this weekend, although I don’t think it’s going to be measurable.
Meanwhile, today’s weather was rather crazy. The morning started out sunny and then clouds moved in. A lot of people don’t like Michigan’s cloudy weather, which is caused by the Great Lakes, but I love the dramatic touch they add to the scenery. A little later, pouring rain came in with a few rumbles of thunder. I looked out the window but didn’t see any lightning. However, we did get some half-inch hail, which bounced in the yard like popcorn.
Later in the day, the wind picked up and I looked out the window and saw leaves pouring from the trees like a different kind of rain. If the rain of leaves continues, it won’t be long before the trees are bare.
JJ texted me from work tonight and he said he saw snow. Brrr. I don’t miss all the hard work of gathering a winter’s supply of firewood, but there is nothing like heat from a woodstove and I will miss its warmth.
Not long after we moved up to Northern Michigan, I contacted Cancer Services at the hospital to find JJ a counselor or support group. Cancer really affects people in his age group and it doesn’t hurt to get help in processing the trauma. I talked to several very nice people and found JJ a counselor, but we couldn’t keep her because she wasn’t covered by our insurance. JJ asked me to find him another counselor, so I researched on-line and finally found two that I thought sounded good. He made the final selection. One of the counselors had the same name as the psychiatrist in the Batman stories who often used treatment sessions to experiment on patients at Arkham Asylum. JJ did not choose that therapist to be his counselor. It’s best to be careful.
JJ chose the other counselor instead and he had his first appointment today. He asked me to go with him this time. Since I wanted to get cat food at a store not too far away anyway, I agreed. We started off at about 9 a.m.
Oh, my goodness, the drive was absolutely gorgeous. There is nothing like driving through miles of forest that is dressed in vivid yellows, oranges, and reds. It’s a wonder that we didn’t end up in a ditch because I could hardly keep my eyes on the road. If I had not been driving, I would have taken millions of pictures.
The counselor’s house, which is where he had his sessions, was located on a beautiful peninsula. The road ran along the bay, with only a narrow strip of land separating the two. Because of the location, most of the houses were very beautiful and expensive. I really do love our more humble home and wouldn’t want to live anywhere else, but both EJ and I enjoy the architecture and landscaping of more expensive places. We don’t begrudge people enjoying the fruit of their labors. The counselor’s house was located up a steep driveway–much steeper even then ours. Unlike most places, there was no “turn-around” spot at the top so after JJ had met and gone off with the counselor, I had to back down the hill. I was still feeling the effects of yesterday’s anxiety attack so backing down such a driveway stressed me.
Viki, our GPS, helped me locate the “feed and seed” store where I bought two huge bags of cat food. I don’t want to run out of cat food in the winter and buying bulk is cheaper than the little bags at the grocery stores. I had lots of time left before I had to pick up JJ, so with Viki’s help I went back to the peninsula and wandered the winding, steep hills. I drove along the beautiful coast, and past many large beautiful vineyards and apple and cherry orchards. I pulled off the road at a scenic turnout and was stunned by the beautiful view: a large vineyard in the foreground with beautiful trees separating it from the lake. Click, click, click, went my camera.
Finally, I made my way back to the counselor’s. I didn’t want to go back up–or back down–that driveway, so I parked at an almost turn-around spot toward the bottom. I always carry a book in my purse, so I got comfy and read while I waited for JJ’s session to be over.
I consider JJ’s sessions to be private between him and his counselor so I don’t pry. However, JJ told me on the way home that he really likes this counselor. The counselor was amazed at all that we have been through as a family and he said he was very proud of the progress JJ has made. We have told JJ this as well, but sometimes it feels more believable if it comes from a stranger.
Aftermath
Last night JJ returned home from work in a very happy mood. “I love living up here. I really like my job!” he exclaimed. He says his co-workers are all extremely nice and friendly and helpful. Also, at a meeting that day he had been praised because a customer had given him a “10”–the highest score possible–on a review card customers can fill out rating the quality of service they received from employees. This is not the first “perfect” JJ has received from customers. I love seeing JJ so happy and doing so well.
This morning as soon as I woke up, I got dressed, I made coffee, I fed the pets, and I sat down at my laptop and logged-on to Google+ to study Hebrew with my friend. She lives in another state, but we study Hebrew together via videochat. We love studying Hebrew together. Hebrew is unlike any other language. It is more than simply learning vocabulary words and grammar. The letters and words have deep meaning and teach about God and faith and life. Studying always leads us into deep discussions and we have the greatest time. We had to stop studying together when JJ was diagnosed with cancer and today was our first day back. It felt good.
My friend co-administers a Hebraic website (His-Israel) with an awesome Israeli Hebrew/Bible scholar. I have become friends with this woman as well, and have even had the wonderful opportunity to study with her. I have learned so much from her! She is very gracious and EJ thinks her voice sounds as soft and gentle as a cooing dove. My friend told me today that when she mentioned to our Israeli friend that we were going to study Hebrew again, our Israeli friend reminded her that when Jewish people make aliyah, which means they immigrate to Israel, it is traditional for them to change their names–especially if they have nonHebrew names–to reflect their new ties with the land and people of Israel. She said, “You and TJ have such a love for the people of Israel that I think you should adopt Hebrew names to use whenever you study Hebrew together.” My friend asked her what names she would suggest and our Israeli friend chose Hebrew names for us that she felt described our characters. The name she gave me is Tali, which means the gentle rain that falls from Heaven, or dew from Heaven. Being given a beautiful Hebrew name chosen just for me feels like receiving a formal blessing.
I felt deep, deep joy and contentment today.
And then our realtor called EJ and told him that it is good that he removed more possessions from our old house and that we need to keep going down there to remove more so that the house shows better.
Then I had an anxiety attack that was so severe that I felt as if I couldn’t breath and I felt sick to my stomach. I told EJ that I don’t want him to drive down to the old house and try to load heavy things by himself, but I’m not sure how many more times I can endure going down there.
There are some very good people downstate and there are people who love that area, but for us it has become a place of struggle, abuse (my family of origin), sickness, pain, loss, and heartache. Sometimes I try to describe our experiences–and I have just now spent a long time trying again to describe them, but I erased it all–because it’s impossible to put it into believable words. We have always been thankful, counted our blessings, and tried to bloom where we were planted, and we have always prayed that God would give us strength to get through trials and to teach us through them. However, early last year we finally reached the point at which I begged God to get us out of there and into a better place. And He did.
When I was a child, my siblings would sometimes watch those old classic horror movies about mummies or vampires. Those movies terrified me because no matter how hard they tried, the people could never escape from the terrible monsters that threatened them. The woman would stumble or the car wouldn’t start or rain would wash out the road. Sometimes our old house feels like being caught in an old horror movie. At his old job EJ often had to work long hours, at a difficult company, for many weeks without a day off. When he finally did get a rare day off, he was exhausted, sick, and in pain, but he’d have to choose between working on the house or resting and not getting urgent projects done. We rarely were able to just have fun. We poured a lot of time, effort, and money into that house. We want to close that chapter of our lives, but we are still being pulled back: We still have to pour limited physical, emotional, and financial resources into that house. It’s disheartening because with the bad housing market, our house is listed at far below what we paid for it years ago. And just when we start to think we can have a moment of enjoyment up here, the realtor calls to yank us back down there.
It’s not as if the realtor and we don’t know that we are doing the best we can to get down there. We really don’t need the reminders. And it’s not as if our house is filled with junk. It’s not. Mostly we just have stuff from the basement to move. It’s going slow because we don’t have many people to help us, and even when a person volunteers, we don’t have a truck or trailer to haul the stuff and we can’t afford to rent another Uhaul.
I just want God to please, pretty please, get us the help we need and sell the house so the tortuous burden can be lifted from us. We were strong for a really long time, but JJ’s cancer–on top of everything else–broke our stamina and strength.
Cancer and its recovery reminds me of The Beecher Tornado and it’s aftermath.
The Beecher Tornado touched down just north of Flint, Michigan, at about 8:30 pm, on Monday evening, June 8, 1953. Most people living in the area were at home with the children in bed. By the time people heard the storm’s roar their houses were being torn apart. Most of the casualties and damage occurred in the unincorporated community of Beecher, a suburb on the northern edge of the city of Flint. Large sections of neighborhoods were completely blown away, with only building foundations left. The slow-moving tornado wrecked 340 houses, severely damaged many others and injured 844 persons. The Beecher tornado was the last single tornado to cause over 100 deaths in the United States. It is ranked the 9th deadliest tornado in U. S. history.
Most people have probably never heard of this tornado but it has great significance for EJ’s family. His paternal grandmother was injured in the tornado and spent about six months in the hospital. His father was coming home from his job at an automotive factory and noticed a flock of birds flying strangely in the sky. Then he realized that they weren’t birds, they were the roofs of houses being destroyed by the tornado. EJ’s mother was babysitting some kids at their house when the tornado struck. They made it through safely, but the house next door was totally destroyed and the family killed.
The Beecher Tornado struck years before EJ was born (and, I think, before his parents even knew each other). However, the tornado has affected EJ’s grandmother, his parents, and him. I had never even heard of it before I married EJ but he has told me the story many times because it’s in his family’s history and psyche and so it has become part of my life as well. Because of the Beecher Tornado, we stay very alert to weather conditions. We all love storms, but we also respect their power and danger.
When a trauma like a tornado or cancer occurs, people gather around to give aide and support. However, long after supporters have moved on, the victims must continue to deal with the destruction and work to rebuild their lives, which can take weeks or months or years. The effect of the trauma can be life-long and affect generations.
So even though it’s been more than a year since JJ’s cancer treatment ended, we are still in recovery. Life is not yet “back to normal” for us. Sometimes I wonder if it takes everyone this long to recover or only us? But then I get hints that recovery is difficult for most everyone. For example, a young guy that EJ used to work at his old company had the same type of cancer as JJ. EJ asked him how he recovered from cancer after his treatment. The guy said, “I drink and do drugs.” Uhm. Not an option for us. The young guy’s cancer returned and recently took his life. Scary.
We still feel apprehensive when JJ has a blood draw or CT scan, we still feel fear when he has strange pains, and it’s totally scary to read that people who have suffered cancer as teens or young adults tend to struggle in life and to have a high risk of getting cancer again. We also are still very tired, stressed, and easily overwhelmed. What seems like a small expectation, request, or event to others can feel overwhelming to us, even if it’s “good.” I haven’t yet figured out how to tell people that we appreciate it…or we’d like to help…or we’d normally love it…but it’s just too much right now. Mostly we’re just trying to deal with the anxiety and to rest. I’d like to say, “Keep it small, keep it short, or ask someone else.”
We’re Living, Living, Living in Northern Michigan
It began to rain last night and it has been raining off and on all day. I love how rain makes our forest appear wrapped in mist. The various weather changes the appearance of our forest from day to day–and even hour by hour.
With the rain came cooler temperatures so we have to wear jackets. Soon enough we will need to exchange our jackets for winter coats, hats, mittens, and boots. I washed all the coats a week ago in preparation for colder weather. I will have to hunt for our boots. They are somewhere among the boxes still in the garage.
The trees were even more colorful this morning. In fact, I almost think I can see the leaves becoming more vivid right before my eyes. I wonder if it’s possible to overdose on beauty? If so, I’m sure I’m nearing that point. Every time I glance out a window, I have to pause in amazement and say, “Thank You!”
The meteorologists are saying that the color peak will occur in a few days. Already the leaves are beginning to fall. We can see the red roof of the neighbor’s house more clearly now. The red roof makes me think of Lincoln Logs cabins. I told EJ and JJ that we will have to plant evergreen trees at the bottom of the driveway so no one can see us even when the other trees lose their leaves. I like feeling safely hidden in our secret Enchanted Forest.
I took my camera outside with me this morning in yet another attempt to capture the beauty of the leaves. I laughed as I envisioned myself taking millions of pictures of our Enchanted Forest every year so that there would be billions and billions of photos of our trees left behind after I died.
I thought that maybe a video would be better than photos at capturing the autumn colors so I took a video as Danny and I walked down to the mailbox this morning. I was afraid that I had lost the video by accidentally turning off the camera instead of pushing the video stop button which, to my dismay, sometimes happens. I never said that I was a good photographer, or even an adequate one. Just in case I had lost the first video, I took another one as we were walking back up the driveway after getting the mail. It turned out that I didn’t lose either video, but then I couldn’t decide which one to share here. I liked them both because they each show a slightly unique perspective of the forest and also of Danny. The first video is shorter than the second one but doesn’t show as much of Danny’s personality. I have a friend whose cute dog is very energetic and races all over, but Danny just quietly goes where he wants at his own pace. Well, I decided I’d share both videos and let you decide which one–or both–that you want to watch.
A flock of turkeys walked through our yard early this afternoon. EJ saw them first and whispered, “The turkey’s are here!” I don’t know why we always whisper when we see the turkeys, even though they can’t possibly hear us when we are in the house with the windows closed. I think we are just so thrilled each time we see them. We always pause and watch them when they appear. We have developed a love for the beautiful birds.
This weekend was rather difficult for JJ. It was the two-year anniversary of his cancer diagnosis and first surgery, he went back to the old house with his Dad, and then he’s trying to figure out how to enroll in college next year. Very emotional stuff. Not long ago I read an article that said a study revealed that teens and young adults are greatly affected by cancer because it happens at a time of important development–when they are beginning to become more independent from their parents and preparing to leave the nest. Because this was interrupted, they often really struggle to get back on track. JJ sometimes feels that he needs to catch up to his peers who have forged ahead with their life plans, and some of his peers who don’t understand cancer or PTSD tell him that he is simply unmotivated, etc. It’s really hard. I tell him that he has a job, he’s working towards college, and he’s doing really well, so stop putting so much pressure on himself.
I also just read that there is a high risk that people who get cancer as teens or young adults have a high chance of getting cancer again later in life. That is really, really scary. I don’t know if we could endure cancer again. The experience sure has affected us all. But we keep telling each other that we are up in the beautiful North to recover, and to rest, and to enjoy life again. We will get through this.
The UPS truck brought us a box from Amazon today. When I was growing up, we never spelled out the name of the company: U-P-S. Instead, we called it UPS, like the opposite of down. We would yell, “The UPS Man is here!” like he was some sort of superhero. Maybe he is–after all, he brings us lots of good stuff. I still yell “The UPS Man is here!” sometimes. Old habits are hard to break and I think UPS sounds more whimsical than U-P-S letters. Anyway, we order quite a few things from Amazon because it’s often easier and cheaper than trying to get to a store. We have Amazon Prime so the shipping is free and, hey, why not just have stuff delivered right to our door?
Today the UPS Man brought the three flashlights I had ordered. Our current flashlights aren’t powerful enough to light up the dark Enchanted Forest night. The new flashlights were very inexpensive and the reviews said they were very powerful and their light reached a good distance. I want to have a chance to see what is getting ready to pounce and eat me when I take Danny out at night. A couple of weeks ago, when EJ and I took Danny out, we saw eyes shining from the forest, but we couldn’t see what animal it was. EJ said he didn’t think it was a deer or bear because of their color and size. He guesses maybe a coyote.
The UPS Man also delivered brackets so we can build simple inexpensive floor-to-ceiling bookshelves in the library. We don’t have the wood for the shelves yet, and with EJ working overtime I don’t know when he will have the time to build them, but at least I have the brackets. With brackets, I can dream of getting the books out of the boxes.
This morning one of the Northern Michigan Facebook pages shared a video that really describes the beauty and joy of living in Northern Michigan. This area has a bit of everything: incredible natural beauty, outdoor summer and winter activities, history, cultural events, libraries, and food. Many people who have visited this area long to return and people who move into this area say that it’s like heaven and they will never move south again. I told EJ that I found our theme song. He said, “We don’t need a theme song!” Then I played the video for him and he said, “Ok. So I guess we do have a theme song.”
Can you believe it? This is where we live now! We are living, living, living in Northern Michigan!
A Colorful Day
As soon as I got out of bed this morning, I peeked out our bedroom curtain and saw the forest glowing with a golden light. It was beautiful.
Overnight the trees of our Enchanted Forest have bloomed with color. The beauty is breathtaking and I couldn’t help pausing often to drink it in with wonder. I realized yesterday as EJ and I drove on M-22 to enjoy the colorful foliage that I have always been in Northern Michigan in the summer, and never ever in the autumn or winter or spring. So these beautiful seasons are all enchantingly new to me.
After the golden light faded, the clouds made the sky gray–just a gray color with no dramatic clouds. Later the sky became blue with wispy white clouds. It was a beautiful warm autumn day. EJ read that we’ve been having temperatures that are 25 degrees above normal but that’s about to change and we will begin to get cooler weather. Over the next week or two, the highs are forecasted to be in the upper 50s and the lows in the 40s…and even dipping into the 30s.
Throughout the day, I kept going outside to photograph our colorful forest, but my camera is an inexpensive one and just can’t capture the full beauty. (Plus, I’m not exactly a knowledgeable photographer.) I think that the light of the sky darkens pictures of the forest at the end of the drive? In reality the colors are more vivid than in the photos. Tesla followed me as I walked around the yard with my camera and I was able to get a cute picture of her sitting on the park bench.
Later EJ and I walked down to the mailbox to get the mail. As usual, Danny came with us and Tesla also followed us. I always feel magical with EJ and his staff and the pets following us down the driveway. EJ always scoops up Tesla on the way back and carries her home.
I told EJ that it makes me happy that Danny gets to spend the second half of his life in the Enchanted Forest. Down south at the old house, he could only roam our small fenced-in yard. Up here in the North, he has a many times more area to enjoy. Many times Danny looks up at me with a grin, and I think he is as happy as we are to live in such a beautiful place.
EJ’s work hours have changed for a few weeks, so he now goes to work in the evening and gets home very early in the morning. Early this afternoon we unloaded the Suburban that was filled with stuff that EJ and JJ brought up from the old house on Saturday. The “stuff” included my last two birdhouses. I had not brought them before because baby sparrows were still in them. EJ was able to pull one of the birdhouses up, pole and all. The other house was on a post that formed part of Danny’s old dog pen so EJ couldn’t just pull it up. He was going to unscrew the birdhouse from the post but he didn’t have a ladder down there–but he did have a saw so he just sawed off the top of the post with the house on it.
For weeks I have been pondering where to put these last two birdhouses. At our old house, I had them right outside the windows so we could easily see inside. That was cool. Up here, though, birds have the whole Enchanted Forest to nest in and I didn’t think that they would find it appealing to nest near the house. I didn’t want these last two houses to be too close to the birdhouses I already put up earlier in the summer because in the south the sparrows fought if the houses were too close. I also didn’t want anything to block my beautiful view. I decided, finally, to put one house several feet to the left of our park bench. I carried the birdhouse and post to the chosen spot this afternoon while EJ carried the posthole digger. He dug the hole and I positioned the post in the hole and then he filled the dirt in and stamped it down.
The birdhouse we put up today has three “apartments.” After we got it up, EJ noticed that one of the three entrance holes was gnawed, as if a bird or animal had tried to enlarge it. I’m not sure what sort of critter would have done that.
EJ will unscrew the other house from the post and then fasten it to a post that was already in the yard when we moved in–up near the big rocks.
America’s Best Scenic Autumn Drive
EJ has been told by his company that he can expect to work a lot overtime in the next few weeks, so we decided to get out and enjoy the fall colors while we still can. We invited JJ to go along with us but he was tired from yesterday’s long trip to and from the old house so he chose to have a quiet day at home. He doesn’t enjoy drives as much as we do.
EJ and I drove along M-22 which, according to USA TODAY, is the most scenic drive in the country to view fall foliage. The drive took us through vividly colored forests, along beautiful lakes that were each a different color of blue, and past sand dunes, wineries, apple orchards, and quaint towns. The day was sunny without a cloud in the deep blue sky. The temperature was chilly and breezy, just right for sweatshirts and jeans.
This is a Pure Michigan video about M-22 that was filmed in 2010 and is narrated by Tim Allen:
The drive was so amazingly beautiful that at times we actually cried tears of joy, which has never happened to me before. It’s impossible to describe the amazement and wonder, the contentment and joy, we feel about living in beautiful Northern Michigan. We are only a day-trip away from all the beauty we loved as children when our families vacationed in this region of the state.
EJ was going to take me out to eat at a restaurant, but many of the restaurants were crowded so we decided instead to stop at a grocery store for simple picnic foods. We drove to a small park on a lake to eat. We were going to eat at a picnic table in the pavilion, but it was a bit too windy so we ate in the Buggy.
Here are photos I took during our travels today. Most of them were taken as we drove along, but we stopped in a couple of places to enjoy the views. The photos show many of the different lakes we drove by. You can also see some of the beautiful trees.
Later this evening, EJ, Danny, and I walked around our property and then sat on our park bench to enjoy the evening. There is a word that I came across at Facebook a few months ago. I can’t remember the word, and I cannot find it, but it means something like “To reach a place where you feel you finally belong, a place that feels like home.” That is what we feel living here. Throughout the day, as we do on many days, we exclaimed in wonder, “Can you believe that we really live here? I can’t believe that we actually had the chutzpah to move here!”
Van Gogh in the Elevator
I had an eye exam on Monday. I was excited because it’s been a few years since my last eye exam, and a year or two ago my glasses got a small scratch on them which makes them hard to clean. No matter how much I clean my glasses, there’s always a smudge where the scratch is.
My new ophthalmologist’s office is located in the hospital in Eureka, which is the same place where my new doctor’s office is located. I like that they are all in the same place and that they aren’t far away. When I made the appointment, the receptionist took down all my insurance information. The Friday before my eye appointment–October 2nd–the receptionist called to tell me that she didn’t see any insurance coverage for vision care. EJ contacted his HR department at work, but they didn’t get back to him until after my appointment. When we arrived at ophthalmologist’s for my appointment, the receptionist explained that without insurance information, my exam would cost $95 unless the ophthalmologist found a medical condition so that they could charge it to our medical insurance. Sigh. I went ahead with the appointment. Fortunately–or maybe unfortunately–the ophthalmologist found the beginnings of cataracts in one eye–a medical condition–so we only had to pay $35 for the appointment. I asked the ophthalmologist how quickly cataracts worsened enough for surgery, and he said that I had until my late 60s or 70s, so that’s good. He said otherwise my eyes are really good. In fact, my vision has improved. Yay!
I couldn’t choose new glasses on Monday since we had to verify the insurance information. Later the woman at EJ’s HR department called and told him that vision is covered for all three of us under our insurance plan, and she gave him the details. So yesterday EJ and I went back to the ophthalmologist to pick out my new frames. The receptionist looked up the information and could verify only that EJ was covered under the vision insurance and not me. Sigh. EJ called the HR department again and when the woman got back to him, she told him that, yes, we are all covered, and she will get everything straightened out for us by early next week. Moving to a new area and finding doctors and everything is sort of a hassle.
However, at least I was able to choose my new glasses, which will be ordered next week after we can tell the ophthalmologist that I do indeed have vision insurance. I always take EJ with me to choose glasses because I have trouble deciding what looks good on me. This time we also had help from strangers. My ophthalmologist’s office is on the second floor of the hospital. Another couple got in the elevator with us when we arrived yesterday. There was a picture of a famous painting–with the addition of a surgical mask–in the elevator instructing everyone to cover their cough. The other guy said, “That’s a Picasso painting.” EJ corrected, “No, that’s Van Gogh” and the man said, “Oh, you are right!” I thought it was cool to discuss artists in the elevator.
The other couple also were on their way to the ophthalmologist. We had established a rapport in the elevator, so when the other woman and I tried on frames, we all chatted with each other. EJ helped me narrow down my choices of frames to two, and I tried first one on and then the other, and then the one and then the other as we tried to decide which looked best. The other couple said, “Oh, we definitely think that that frame looks better on you,” which I was glad because I liked that frame the best of the two–I just wasn’t sure which looked best on me. I told the couple that the next time I choose new frames, we should contact them so they can help me choose. The receptionist wrote down the information so she can order my new frames as soon as we get this insurance stuff settled.
With EJ’s health concerns and then the work we had to do on our eroding driveway, we weren’t able to get down to our old house to bring up another load of stuff. We don’t have that much more down there, but the things that are left behind are large things–like EJ’s toolboxes and some tires–and we can only fit so much in the Suburban. I was anxious to get down there before the weather turns cold to turn on the furnace so the pipes don’t freeze. Also, I want to bring up my last two birdhouses. I didn’t bring them up earlier because I didn’t want to disturb the babies in the nests.
JJ volunteered to go with his Dad on this trip. We had wanted to make the trip last week but JJ wasn’t able to get the days off until this weekend. And then we weren’t sure they were going to be able to drive down because there was a possibility that EJ would have to work this weekend. His company is alerting them that there will be more overtime in the next few weeks. However, at the last moment EJ found out that he’d have Saturday and Sunday off so the trip was back on. EJ and JJ left at about 6 a.m. this morning. They planned to drive down, spend an hour or two quickly loading up the Suburban, and then driving back home.
When the guys first arrived at the house, the realtor was showing people through the house so they had to delay until they were gone. JJ hasn’t been back to the old house since he came up north in April so he’s never seen it empty. I wasn’t sure how he’d feel about it. Also, two years ago today JJ was diagnosed with cancer and two days later–on October 12th, 2013–he had his first surgery to remove the mass. The anniversary was stressing him, and I wasn’t sure how he would handle that stress in addition to being at the old house. JJ called me after the realtor and house hunters left and he had entered the empty house. “I really don’t like it here,” he said, “But I’m doing ok.”
One of us always has to stay behind to care for the pets when a trip is made to the old house. I was really relieved that this trip the person who was left behind was me. We all find it difficult to go back to our old village because it triggers a lot of stress and anxiety–due to EJ’s experiences at his old company, my abusive family, JJ’s cancer, and other things. I also feel a lot of anxiety about getting everything moved up here, about the expenses associated with the old house (we still have to pay for utilities and taxes down there), about getting the house sold, and so on. We’d really like to be able to end our old lives down there and concentrate on building our new lives up here in the North.
We absolutely love our lives in the North. Our new house, our beautiful surroundings, the wildlife that wanders in our yard, the many attractions in the area, the better companies that EJ and JJ work at–everything–is really everything we have always wanted. We feel such deep stirrings of joy and contentment. Almost every day we exclaim, “I can’t believe we actually live here!!!”
It was kind of surprising to us, then, that when we are so happy living up here we all have been suffering from severe anxiety attacks. I have never experienced such attacks as these. However, I’ve been reading articles from stress, anxiety, and PTSD sites and pages and one article, titled How Stress Breaks Down Your Mind and Body and How to Fight Back, explained,
We have a few different stress hormones that affect our bodies. Adrenaline, noradrenaline and cortisol are stress hormones called glucocorticoids that are essential for us to function properly in the face of danger. While these hormones can be useful in helping us to learn and form new memories, too much of them can be unhealthy. When our lives are filled with chronic stress, we can enter a state called cortisol dominance, which negatively affects learning, attention span, and memory…
Tania Glenn is a social worker and psychologist who has done some fascinating work on the science of stress and in particular, PTSD. In a talk given to members of the United States Air Force, Tania said that the foundation of stress is the fight or flight response. For those who experience long periods of the fight or flight state, they are often prone to feeling symptoms of withdrawal when they return to a nonthreatening environment, as their bodies readjust. I thought it was really interesting how Tania described this process:
“You’re tired, but you can’t sleep; you want to sit still, but you are compelled to get up and move. Your body is literally detoxing from exhilaration… And just like any detox, coming off the extra adrenaline, glucose and cortisol is unpleasant.”
It makes sense that after leaving behind a life of chronic stress and moving to an area that we love, we are now experiencing anxiety attacks. We are detoxing. The anxiety attacks are very awful, but we tell each other each day, “We will get through this” and we are doing what we can to deal with the attacks. The articles about dealing with PTSD and anxiety are very helpful. We are taking vitamins and supplements and eating foods that fight stress, and we are learning to fight anxious thoughts by not dwelling on the things we can’t do anything about, by living in the moment, by thanking God for the blessings of our new life, by enjoying the beauty around us–and there is a lot of beauty around us.
This morning I got up with EJ and JJ at 5 a.m. After they left for their trip south, I went to bed for a little more sleep. When I woke again, I had a very quiet day to myself. The morning started out with beautiful autumn blue skies. By the time Danny and I walked down to the mailbox, it was becoming cloudier and windier, which I think is beautiful too. The temperatures are chillier now and I get to wear my warm hoodie. I like this weather.
Every day the autumn trees are becoming more colorful. The trees of the forest surrounding our home are still quite green, but whenever we drive places–like for medical appointments or to the grocery store–we see more and more color. I love living in a forest. One of the reasons that I like to paint my interior walls a neutral color is because I don’t want the colors to detract from the beautiful view outside the windows. I see my home as a sort of art gallery, with windows framing living landscapes.
Here are some pictures that I took this week of our beautiful North. We had beautiful blue skies, clouds, rainy days, and colorful trees.
The Gift of Autumn
Because my husband and son have different days off from work, I couldn’t celebrate my birthday (which is next week) with both of them at the same time. So I had a wonderful day celebrating my birthday with JJ on Friday and a wonderful day celebrating my birthday with EJ today.
EJ gave me the gift of Autumn for my birthday. We went on a long drive to enjoy the beautiful autumn scenery. EJ drove north hoping we might see more colorful trees, but the trees won’t reach their peak color for another week or two because September was so warm. However, Northern Michigan is beautiful during every season so we enjoyed the drive. EJ contemplated driving to Hartwick Pines, which contains the largest stand of virgin white pines remaining in the lower peninsula. I have never been there and have always wanted to go. However, we decided to just drive north today and enjoy spontaneous fun. We felt that today’s trip shouldn’t be about a destination but the journey itself.
The day was cloudy and at times it rained, but we loved it. I enjoy sunny days which highlight the vivid colors of the trees, but I also enjoy cloudy days because I think they add drama.
We drove along M-119, which gave us views of Lake Michigan, gave us glimpses of some of Michigan’s sand dunes, and also took us on narrow twisting roads through the beautiful Tunnel of Trees. MyNorth.com says, “The Tunnel of Trees has been ranked among the most scenic roads in Michigan and holds its own with the great natural beauties of the entire nation…The Tunnel of Trees is named for the hardwoods and evergreens that crowd up to the edge of the road, their crowns knit into a comforting ceiling over motorists and bicyclists….”
At Harbor Springs we saw a sign advertising free autumn chairlift rides at a ski resort called Boyne Highlands. Years ago, when EJ and I were first married, I worked at a company that every few years paid for all its employees and their families to stay several days at Boyne Highlands. It’s a beautiful place and it was kind of fun to revisit it.
I wasn’t sure that EJ would want to go on the chairlift because he is afraid of heights. I am also a bit afraid of heights, although I thought I was less so than EJ because I’ve had no trouble going on airplane and helicopter rides, and I’d like someday to go on a hot air balloon ride. Surprisingly, he had absolutely no problem going on the chairlift and I was rather nervous. However, I wouldn’t have missed it for the world! It gave us such a unique view of the beautiful countryside. We both said we’d love to go again.
M-119 took us through Wilderness State Park and we eventually ended up in Mackinaw City, where we stopped at a restaurant for a late lunch. After we ate, we drove to a park near Lake Michigan so I could take a picture of the beautiful Mackinac Bridge. We took a different route home, meandering through a lot of towns with names like Charlevoix, Topinabee, Cheboygan and Wolverine.
I took 156 pictures and a couple of videos of our birthday adventure. Here are some of the pictures:
EJ and I had an incredibly wonderful day. It was an awesome gift.
A Magical Day
My birthday is next week. The gift I usually ask for is a memory-making experience. We usually celebrate the weekend preceding my birthday and in the past we have gone to wild bird sanctuaries or cider mills or simply on drives through the beautiful autumn countryside.
This year I was looking forward to going on a drive through the beautiful North country and stopping at whatever places looked beautiful, interesting, quaint, or fun. EJ’s and JJ’s work schedule are rarely the same. EJ usually works four ten-hour days and then has Friday, Saturday, and Sunday off. JJ rarely has the weekend off, but this week his day off was today, Friday, which would have been perfect except this week EJ has to work Friday and Saturday. This means there is no day in which we can all go adventuring together. Bummer. Since I can’t have both guys with me on the same day and today is the only day JJ can celebrate with me, we decided to celebrate my birthday together by going to a matinée movie at the theater in Storybrooke.
We arrived in Storybrooke much too early so we went to an antique store nearby. It was an old building filled with rooms and nooks and crannies cluttered with all sort of interesting things. We could have gotten lost in it for hours or days or maybe even weeks, but we spent only a few minutes wandering through it, just to get a feel for it. JJ said it felt like something out of the Harry Potter world.
At the antique shop, I saw some wonderful old ladders leaning against the outside of the building. I think we could have used them to build wonderful bookshelves. We could have put boards across the rungs for shelves to hold the books. They didn’t even cost all that much. However, I think the ladders were much too tall and the bases were too wide. Bummer. It was very difficult to walk away from these ladders.
After we left the antique store, we still had time so we wandered down main street. We came to a beautiful gateway. Of course I found it irresistable–because you never know what fantastic world a gate or door or path will lead to. I was totally not disappointed because when we went through the gate, we crossed a bridge over a pretty little stream, that led to a small island, on which stood a mystical portal that led to many different lands and worlds with adventures in all of space and time: We were at the cutest library EVER. It looked like a beachside cottage–which it sort of once was.
I wandered through the library in delight, and then went to the circulation desk to ask how I could get a library card. The lady asked me what county I was from and then told me that the best thing to do would be to get a card from my own county library (which I already have, duh). I would have had to give them my firstborn son to get a library card–and, well, he was standing right next to me–but I decided against it. Actually, we would have had to pay a $20 annual fee to get an out-of-district card to this library. The fees are used to help support the library and out-of-district fees vary in different counties. The cost was much too much. I mostly wanted to get the card so I could order e-books through their library–and so I could spend an afternoon or two there every now and then. Besides, I’m collecting library cards like kids used to collect Pokemon cards. I have three so far. When the librarian denied me a card, I felt as if the librarians were really evil dragon guardians who would not let me enter magical lands. I was bitterly disappointed.
JJ led me out of the library, across the bridge, through the gate, and back down the street. Earlier we had passed a shop called a “rug studio” and I had asked JJ, “What is a rug studio?” but he didn’t know either. As we walked passed it again, we saw that the door was open and a woman was sitting over a table working on a canvas. I paused, curious about what she was doing. She looked up and saw us and said, “You can come inside if you want” so we did. I told her I had wondered what a “rug studio” was. She pointed to shelves of brightly colored yard and said that she dies all the yarn herself, and then uses it to create her own rugs using a method of punch needle rug hooking. She said she sells them but also teaches classes on how to make them. She let us take a picture of her. I think that someday it might be fun to take a class there. It might help me meet people.
When we left her shop, it was time to go to the movie theater. This theater was built in 1940 and has one screen and old-fashioned charm. It had a cool mural on the ceiling painted with a perspective that looked as if we were looking up into the tops of evergreen trees. JJ had only gone to a modern multi-screen IMAX theater before so this was a new experience for him. He said that he felt this was the first real theater he has ever gone to. I told the guy at the concession stand, who I believe was the owner, that this was our first time there and that we had moved to the area from mid-Michigan. He described the theater to us, where the bathrooms were located, and that the seats at the sides were regular seats while the ones in the middle section were rocking chairs. He said that the lights would be dim during the previews but darken during the movie–and if they didn’t dim, come get him because something was wrong. Meanwhile, he said, the music that was playing was Beethoven Symphony #6. We bought popcorn and soft drinks, which were far cheaper than at more modern theaters. I considered buying a huge bucket of popcorn, “Of my own…” I told JJ. However, when he chose a smaller size, I decided to also so I wouldn’t appear to be greedy. The owner then told us a story about two old ladies who used to come regularly to the theater and every time they came, they each bought the hugest size bucket of popcorn. He and his staff couldn’t believe that the little old ladies were eating that much popcorn so they actually spied on them to see what they were doing with it. To their amazement, the ladies ate it all, leaving not even a kernel in their buckets. LOL.
The owner told us that today was homecoming so he wasn’t expecting many to come to the theater. In fact, only a group of three other people arrived after us and they sat behind us so it was as if we had the theater completely to ourselves–our own private showing. It was rather cool, and not an experience that will happen often. JJ and I chose the middle section with the rocking chairs–about halfway down. The movie we watched was “Ant-Man.” We really enjoyed the movie. It was exciting, but also had humorous parts.
As we were leaving, the owner of the theater owner reminded us that the homecoming parade was about to start and we’d have to hurry if didn’t want to get stuck in town. “Of course, the parade is very short,” he said. We could see the parade approaching and although we could probably have hurried out of town, we decided that we’d wait. It was short–and fun. After it passed we got in the Buggy and drove away, but the parade crossed in front of us at a major intersection and then turned down the road we needed to take. We followed it for a bit, but then turned down a side street and was able to get around it.
All in all we had a great day. We hope to go to the theater again. I love Storybrooke!
The New New Doctor
Usually I don’t walk down to the mailbox in the late afternoon but last Friday I decided to put a couple of things in the mailbox to be picked up the next morning. I didn’t want to miss the mailperson and have to wait until Monday. I asked Danny if he wanted to go with me. He did. I opened the door and he started to trot down the driveway ahead of me, and then he broke into a run, and suddenly the turkeys that were coming up the driveway scattered and one flew across the driveway into the forest. I urgently called Danny and he obediently returned to me and we went back into the house. I’m always surprised when Danny obeys because he was never really officially trained and I would think it would be a huge temptation to chase wild things. Danny is such a good dog.
I was worried the turkeys would be permanently scared away, but they weren’t. I love watching the flocks of turkeys. In the past, “turkey” always meant the store-bought turkeys that we eat on Thanksgiving. Now “turkey” means a beautiful, interesting, intelligent bird that wanders across our land. I think it’s interesting that the adults act as sentries to watch out for threats and that the little ones scratch the leaves to find bugs to eat. I hope they eat gigantic spiders.
A few mornings ago, when I took Danny outside, I came across some mushroom-ish things. I don’t know what they are exactly, but I thought they were beautiful.
I have always loved watching the night sky–stars, meteorites, comets, eclipses, northern lights–so I was really excited about the super blood moon lunar eclipse that happened Sunday night. All last week we had beautiful weather with clear skies, but on Sunday the clouds moved in and totally blocked our view of the moon. I was so disappointed! However, we were able to watch it on-line, which is better than nothing.
Last week was very difficult emotionally. I continued to feel upset about the doctor, even though I thought it was silly. I couldn’t sleep and felt very stressed and anxious. I finally decided that “I don’t have to go to this doctor if she makes me feel so upset,” so I went to the Patient Portal and cancelled my appointment. I was asked to give a reason for the cancellation, so I did and said I was looking for a new doctor. I felt relieved about not seeing the doctor again, but also second-guessed myself, wondering if I was overreacting, or if I should have explained why I was cancelling, or if I should have spoken or remained silent. Whether I speak or am silent, I always feel that I should have done the other thing. Welcome to my world. At least after I canceled, I slept better.
On Sunday, it suddenly occurred to me that chronic stress can cause vital nutrients to be depleted, which can make it difficult for a person to handle additional stress. I probably should have thought of this before, but with all the craziness of the last couple of years, I totally forgot. I decided to intentionally start taking supplements and eating foods that will replace nutrients that are depleted by stress. We shall see how it goes.
Yesterday someone in an INFJ group asked if other INFJs have trouble with anxiety, and there were a lot of people who said they struggled with a great deal of anxiety. Joy Rabon, a member of the group, commented, “INFJs are prone to anxiety and depression because we feel things and experience things so deeply and see perspectives that are completely invisible to others and it’s frustrating. Also, along with that, if you have a high IQ, that is common as well. We just look at things differently.” I thought that was interesting.
This morning I came across an interesting article called “Why Empaths Freeze Around Inauthentic People.” The article began,
Ever spent time with someone who on the surface seemed as nice as pie but when with them you feel awful and struggle to form a sentence? This is caused by your Empathic antenna sensing that all is not what it seems. You are detecting that what this person is showing is a fake persona created to hide something from others.
When an Empath comes across fake people it is common for them to shut down as a form of protection. This can be seen as stumbling over words or one’s memory and thought process being affected. Anyone who is not emanating truthful vibes will put an Empath on high alert.
I thought that was interesting because it was exactly how I felt when I went to my New Patient Appointment. I walked into the exam room and at the doctor’s first question I began crying and couldn’t stop. I have never ever reacted that way before. My brain seemed to shut down and I couldn’t say what I wanted to say. Of course, it didn’t help that the doctor kept interrupting.
Speaking of the traits of INFJs or Empaths, and other such things, can seem very mystical but I think that people are “fearfully and wonderfully made.” Not only can our bodies be affected by stress and helped through nutrition, but I believe that various experiences can develop certain traits in us. For example, they say that when a person is blinded, his other senses often grow stronger–so, he can hear much more than a sighted person can. In the same way, I think that a person who has experienced pain often grows very compassionate. A person who has been abused often develops a strong ability to “read” body language–that ability can save her life. Narcissists often lie, deceive, withhold information, and twist the truth, so a victim of narcissistic abuse tends to develop a love for truth and genuineness, and an ability to discern lies and falseness. And so forth. Is not a “mystical power” as much as the way our bodies and minds work.
Furthermore, I believe that the Bible teaches that God gives His people special gifts, such as wisdom, discernment, mercy, giving. So various traits or gifts are not anti-Biblical.
Anyway, today I had an appointment with a new new doctor. This doctor was friendly, but in a professional way, not in a “my new best friend” way. Her first question was “Do you have any health concerns?” I explained that my family–including me–feel exhausted, stressed, and anxious and I explained why (abusive family, JJ’s cancer, EJ’s job). She asked, “How do you want to handle it?” And I told her that in many ways I believe we have begun to handle it–by removing ourselves from the things that caused us stress and by moving to an area that we love. I told her that I realized that stress could have depleted my body of necessary nutrients so I have begun changing my diet and taking supplements to replenish them. She suggested adding Vitamin D to the supplements I am taking. She, as expected, suggested a physical, but when I told her that I’d like to postpone it because I felt it was more important right now to not add to my busy schedule, she agreed and told me to call in a few months–after I’ve had time to reduce stress–and set up the physical. At this appointment I never felt the doctor leaped to conclusions, I never felt unheard, I never felt pressured, and I felt that my choices were respected. So I’m content with this new new doctor.
The new new doctor’s office is located in a hospital in Eureka, rather than the Emerald City, so everything medical can be handled in one place. It’s also in the same town as our pharmacy, which will make it easier to get prescriptions filled. Its actually much closer and easier to get to this doctor’s office than to the previous new doctor. Once I get to town, it’s just a right turn at the traffic light and then a left into the hospital. Easy peasy. I felt thrilled that I am beginning to find my way around this new area. Of course, when I left the hospital, I went straight instead of turning and found myself in an unfamiliar area and didn’t know how to get to the main street. I turned around and found the hospital again and then located the correct street–but then I went the wrong way and ended up in the cemetery. I found the hospital again and, finally, I was on the correct street and in the correct direction and after that I easily found my way home. My super power is finding lost items and it totally amazes EJ and JJ. However, my super weakness is that I am severely directionally challenged and I always lose myself.
Next week I have an eye exam. It’s been a while since I’ve had an eye exam or new glasses, so I am looking forward to it. The eye doctor’s office is also located in the hospital in Eureka.
The Dog Pooped and the Cat Peed
Today sucked. If fact, the suckiness of the day cascaded, ending with the dog pooping and the cat peeing, but I’ll get to that later.
Yesterday a couple people said, “Just find a new doctor. You don’t have to waste time or energy giving your doctor any explanations.” I thought that, of course, they were right and that it was stupid of me to be so agitated about the doctor, and yet, on the other hand, I think that people, emotions, and situations are always more complicated than they may first appear. Maybe for some people things might be simpler, but not me.
For me, it has to do with being an INFJ personality type and also having experienced emotional abuse. The two are intertwined. Whenever I mention the traits of an INFJ, JJ says that he thinks it’s all baloney. Maybe I would think so too except the traits of an INFJ describe me with eerie accuracy so I don’t think it’s as much baloney as JJ does. Often when I want to explain something about myself, I find it easier to describe me in the context of the characteristics of an INFJ.
INFJs hold within themselves paradoxes. Every trait is accompanied by its opposite. These opposite traits can tug at us so we can feel pulled in two–or more–different directions at the same time. There are so many complex contradictions within us that I find it difficult to describe them all–and yet we live our lives within the contradictions and it’s these contradictions that often cause us to be misunderstood. For example, on the one hand we are empaths who actually feel the sufferings of others so negativity and conflict causes us pain. Because of this, we seek peaceful resolutions to avoid conflict. We are very loving, understanding, and forgiving. We forgive longer than most other personality types even when we are being hurt–but only until we know the relationship isn’t savable.
Qualities like these can make people think we are wimpy, weak pleasers who never stand up for ourselves. But they are wrong. There is another part of us that is very independent. We care deeply about others and will fiercely defend them if they are being hurt. We will do what is right no matter what it costs us. We might look a bit ragged and messy on the outside, but underneath we have a very fierce toughness.
INFJ’s care very much about truth and genuineness. We are very intuitive and can often “know” things about people without knowing how we know. Because we can’t point to logic for why we know what we know, people often don’t believe us and we also second-guess ourselves and ignore our intuition–often to our regret. From the beginning, I sensed that my problems with my Mom wasn’t a mere tiff, but was an intense power struggle for control, but others told me that she was just wounded and I needed to love and forgive her, which filled me with doubt about my intuition. Although I resisted the abuse, I also kept second-guessing myself and stayed in the abuse for far too long.
I have had many cases in which I have described to EJ situations that I couldn’t possibly have known about, but they turned out to be so true that is as if I had written a script that people acted out. One was a time in which an elderly acquaintance who was beginning to suffer from dementia wanted us to buy him books from Amazon. He said he’d pay us back. I was upset but didn’t know why. EJ said, “He’s just a lonely old man and I’d like to be nice to him.” I felt guilty and second-guessed myself, wondering if I was being selfish and uncaring. I sorted through my feelings and thoughts and then told EJ that something wasn’t right. “I think the man’s wife has taken over the finances because his dementia is making him unable to handle the money. He resents this and is using us to get back at his wife. Buying books could get us caught in a struggle between them.” When EJ graciously told the old man that we would give him the books as a gift this time but couldn’t buy him any more, he grumbled that his wife didn’t let him buy anything and “What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.” I was exactly right. EJ asked, “How did you know?” I said, “I have no idea.”
I sometimes wonder if the gifts of INFJ–empathy, understanding, ability to see many perspectives, love of truth, intuition–have been heightened by abuse. Abuse victims often care about truth. They learn to be good observers who can read a person or situation–for their own safety. They also tend to second-guess themselves. Of course, not every abuse victim is an INFJ so I don’t think that abuse causes a person to be an INFJ, but it’s possible that abuse heightens their natural traits. I once asked an INFJ group at Facebook how many of them had been abused and many said they had.
Anyway, this all applies to my struggle with the doctor. This morning I told EJ that I needed to discuss this with him but I didn’t think I needed his advice as much as I needed him to just listen while I sorted it out. INFJs are really strange in the way they process information. They ponder a situation, and explore different aspects, and they have to discuss the thoughts as they float to the surface of their mind–so they keep talking until they understand a problem. EJ has learned to understand most of my INFJness and he has legendary endurance when it comes to listening. He really is awesome.
To me, it’s not just a simple matter of deciding to switch doctors. It affects my INFJness and abuse. My compassion, understanding, and forgiveness recognizes that the doctor might really be a compassionate doctor–but perhaps clueless or overzealous in thinking she had me all figured out even before my appointment with her. On the other hand, her wrongly labeling me, not listening, jumping to conclusions, and pressuring me triggered memories of abuse. EJ said that he thought she was compassionate and just trying to help me and wasn’t abusive because abuse is intentional, but I think unintentional acts can still cause damage. Besides, it’s not easy to see beneath the mask of an emotional abuser. Narcissists can appear to be the most loving, sweet people who “only want to help.” They turn meanly abusive when they are opposed. Because we really can’t discern hidden motives, it’s only possible to judge behaviors, and this doctor made me feel so emotionally battered that I know I don’t trust her to be my doctor. I felt rising panic about “giving her another chance” and continuing as her patient. I decided that I would find a new doctor.
However, the question for me is whether I just quietly fade away or confront the doctor before I go. On the one hand, people told me I don’t owe the doctor an explanation. This is true. However, part of me feels that slinking away is sort of a…victim type of thing to do. I want to stand up to her and say, “This is what you did and how you made me feel!” Yet, I hate conflict. If EJ and JJ continue going to her, I will still see her when I accompany them to their appointments. EJ said, “You don’t need to go with me…” but I would still go with him and JJ because I refuse to let anyone cause me to not be there for my family. If I go with them, a confrontation may be inevitable? I mean, if she mentions me making an appointment with her, I would honestly tell her why I won’t. Part of me wants to tell her that even if a victim seems to fit a profile exactly, a victim still needs to be treated as an individual, and to be heard, and to have her choices respected.
JJ came out of his room and said that he thought I was overreacting and that since the doctor is the expert, I should just do whatever she tells me to. This triggered my memories of abuse and caused my panic to rise higher. In emotionally abusive families, members are pressured to think and act as a group rather than individuals. I need the freedom to think, believe, act, choose. Later I was able to explain to JJ why I was struggling with this doctor and he understood. He told me that I might as well find him a new doctor too. I told him that he could stay with the current doctor if he preferred, but he wants me to accompany him to appointments and doesn’t want to risk there being any tension.
After EJ went to work, I researched a new doctor in a closer town. I found one that had really good reviews and called the number listed on the site. Before I could say that I wanted to see this particular doctor, the receptionist asked for a bunch of information. Later, she said that the doctor I asked for doesn’t work there anymore. I was so stressed that I went ahead and made an appointment anyway, even though I have no idea who I will be seeing or if she is a good doctor. Then I second-guessed myself and wondered if I was doing the right thing in looking for a new doctor. Sigh.
Meanwhile, JJ wanted me to help him get information about college. I helped him, and when he saw how much college would cost, his PTSD was triggered. He didn’t see how he can ever get to college or on with his life. I had a book waiting for me at the library, so I dragged JJ with me just to get us a change in scenery. However, it didn’t help. We were both stressed and panicky.
When we got home, JJ went into the house and I sat in the car and cried a bit. I felt I was having a panic attack. Waves of stress hit me. When I was struggling with emotional abuse, everyone told me that my Mom/family was just wounded, and no doubt really loved me, and was doing the best they could, and I just needed to love and forgive her/them more. They didn’t understand the abuse and didn’t hear me. Being unheard makes me feel as if I have been buried alive in a coffin and no one hears me screaming for help.
I only cried a little, and then JJ came back outside and said, “Mom: I don’t have cancer. I am happier up here. I have a job. Dad got rid of his awful factory and has a good job. We got rid of your awful family….” and he listed all the good things in our lives that he could think of. I told him that he said exactly what we needed to hear.
JJ and I were able to calm ourselves down, but the rest of the day still had it’s challenges and rather sucked. JJ’s Internet friends made insensitive and hurtful jokes about his type of cancer that hit him in his fears. He confronted them about how their jokes made him feel and explained the effects of cancer, but he was dispirited that they don’t understand. Then he saw that some of his peers have graduated from college, and he feels he is being left in the dust. Reassuring him that he doesn’t have to compare himself and that he is doing remarkably well after battling cancer doesn’t help on days like this.
Meanwhile, I dragged Danny into the shower when I saw his poopy butt. When he was younger, he got out of his dog pen and ran in front of a van. He wasn’t directly hit, but the van ran over his beautifully feathered tail and broke it and also stretched his spine a bit. He had to have his tail removed and now poop occasionally accumulates back there and I have to pull and/or wash it off. A dirty job that both Danny and I hate, but it has to be done. Our new bathroom has a very deep tub and also a separate shower. It’s easier to drag him into the shower than try to lift him into the tub. Poor Danny.
A little later I saw that the cat dish was empty and as I dump in a scoop of food, I saw–too late–that Luke had peed in it. Sigh. So I dumped the urine-soaked food into the trash, washed the dish, and refilled it with clean food.
It has really been a dog poop and cat pee type of day. Fortunately, most of our days aren’t so difficult.
The Forest At Night
Late Sunday afternoon the younger Gravel Guy and his wife delivered a trailer filled with potato stones. Potato stones are rocks that are about the same size and shape as potatoes. They are great for allowing water to drain through them without causing erosion. I think it’s really funny that mixed in with our load of potato stones are real potatoes. I have no idea why. Each afternoon this week I have gone out and sorted through the potatoes/stones, tossing the potatoes to the side and putting the stones in the wheelbarrow to dump along the sides of the driveway. Since the forecast isn’t predicting rain anytime soon, I have been taking it easy–only taking a few loads of stones down the driveway each day. EJ and I can work harder during the weekend when he doesn’t have to work.
JJ is hoping to go to college eventually, although he said he wants to wait until after winter because we have no idea how bad the weather will get. Also, he–and we–need time to adjust to this new area. So yesterday he asked me to find his high school transcript, which sort of made me panic because I wasn’t sure where it was. Since I put together his transcript after he graduated from high school (we homeschooled), I have gotten a new computer because my old one had crashed, which means anything I put on the old computer was gone. I thought I might have put backup copies of his transcript on thumb drives, but I found only one of the three thumb drives I own in my little case and that thumb drive didn’t have JJ transcript on it. JJ sometimes borrows my thumb drives and he isn’t always careful to return them so I searched his room and finally found both of them–and there was no transcript on either of them. My only hope then was to find a hard copy, but before we had moved I had gone through files and thrown a lot of old papers away–what if I had thrown away his transcript? Trying to put it together again from memory was daunting. And if I still had a hardcopy, it could have ended up anywhere in the chaos of our move. Yikes!
In my attempt to find JJ’s transcript yesterday, I first worked on organizing our library. We had originally put the file cabinet in the closet, but I wasn’t satisfied with the way it fit. It was bigger than I had thought and it wasn’t easy to open the drawers. I pushed and shoved the heavy file cabinet across the room next to the desk and then I quickly looked through the files to see if there was a folder for homeschool stuff. Nothing. With the file cabinet out of the way, I put a lot of the boxes of books in the closet, as many as I could fit. There are still a pile of boxes of books in the room, but fewer than there were. (I also still have many boxes of books stored in the pantry. I can’t wait until we have time to get the bookshelves built.) As I moved boxes, I occasionally came across not-yet-unpacked boxes filled with papers, so I went through them. Nothing. I also went through the boxes of old papers and bills in the pantry. Still nothing. Then I went through the boxes of JJ’s things that are in his room. No luck. I was about ready to give up in defeat, but I don’t give up easily, so I went through the file cabinet one more time. In the very back of one drawer I finally found a manilla envelope with JJ’s school records in it. Whew! Success! AND I got the library more organized, even though I don’t have bookshelves yet.
Every year when the weather grows warm, I put my house plants outside so they can enjoy the sun and warmth. Every autumn when the weather grows cool, I bring them back inside. Every winter the cats almost destroy my spider plant, which I have had for years. They like to sleep on it and attack it. By the end of winter it is mostly dead, but safe outside again, it revives over the summer into a beautiful flourishing plant. And so it goes. I put my spider plant on top of the file cabinet and the cats are already seeking to destroy it .
Last night at about 11 p.m., Danny wanted to go outside to use his “facilities.” I slipped his leash on him and grabbed my headlight, which carried in my hand and turned on as soon as we got outside. Danny went pee near the clothesline and he was just beginning to pull me farther down the driveway when I heard a strange noise. I wasn’t sure if it was a bellow of an animal or our neighbor making a noise. I’m still not sure. But then I heard a loud snort and a stamping noise. I shone my headlight down the driveway, but its light doesn’t reach very far so I couldn’t see anything. I suspected it was a deer warning me away. EJ later agreed that it was probably a buck warning me off. He said they begin to get an increase in testosterone at this time of year in preparation for mating. I didn’t want to risk an angry animal chasing me so I quickly pulled Danny back into the house. Yikes!
I told EJ that I will try to make sure I take Danny out before it gets dark–although he doesn’t always need to go when I tell him to. EJ said that he would get us all more powerful flashlights to light up the driveway. I still want a light on a walking stick–my wizard staff. I have always wanted to shout, “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!” if something threatens me in the night. Unless it’s a threatening buck. Or a bear. Or anything really scary.
The forest can be kind of scary at night especially when there is no moon and I hear strange animal noises. The other night I took a video of the darkness. Of course, you can’t really see anything in the video because everything is so black…but that is my point: It is very dark in the forest at night. But it’s also beautiful.
This morning EJ and I walked down to the mailbox. We saw deer tracks near the bottom of the driveway, but none so close that a buck would have wanted to warn me off. EJ said that it’s likely the deer crossed the driveway and then headed up the grassy hill where they’d leave no footprints. Danny walked down to get the mail with us…and our cat Tesla followed behind. We always have quite a parade–both human and animal–whenever we go get the mail. I stayed away from the road with the animals while EJ went to the mailbox. On the way back, he picked up Tesla and carried her up the driveway, as he often does. Tesla is getting quite old but she still follows us around.
I am trying to decide what to do about my new doctor. I don’t think she is a monster. She was extremely compassionate with EJ and JJ and until my own appointment, I felt thrilled I had found us such a good doctor. During EJ’s appointment, he shared some of the stresses we have been under, including that we had struggled with my family’s emotional abuse. This helped the doctor make the diagnosis that EJ’s health issue was stress-related. However, based on the doctor’s repeated comment to me during my appointment that she “truly understands how I feel,” I think she has had experience with abuse–either herself or someone she knows. I have found that people–most of us–tend to view life through their own experiences and perspectives without understanding that even when situations are similar, they are never exactly the same, and the people involved are not the same, and in the case of abuse, no victim is at the exact same stage of recovery or works through recovery in the same way. I felt that during my appointment, the doctor saw me as a victim of abuse, a profile, a statistic, as herself or someone she knows struggling with abuse. She didn’t see ME. She didn’t listen to me, didn’t let me finish a thought, jumped to assumptions and leaped to conclusions, pressured me to take medication that I knew I didn’t need and didn’t want. She may had had the best intention to “help” me, and she may think that the reason that I cried during my appointment was because I suddenly was overcome by an awareness that finally I was getting cared for. The truth is, I think I cried because I was overtired and with her very first comment, she made me feel ambushed, unheard, and bullied.
I can’t remain a patient of this doctor unless I set some definite boundaries with her. I want a doctor who works with me, listens to me, and respects my decisions. I don’t want the doctor to become a “parent” who forces on me what she thinks is best for me. Honestly, I don’t know if I even want to remain her patient because I resent her treatment of me and I no longer trust her. I think I’d just quietly find another doctor except–assuming EJ and JJ keep going to her–I’ll end up going with them on their appointments, which means I’ll see her again. So I thought I might as well be direct with her and either define my boundaries or tell her why I’m getting a new doctor. Besides, INFJ personality types crave closure. It was suggested to me that I just email her rather than waste my time on an appointment. However, any email I send her will go first to the office staff and I don’t want to cause EJ or JJ any discomfort or the doctor any embarrassment by my complaint becoming “public.” So either I keep my appointment with the current doctor and confront her one-on-one or I find a new doctor–and probably end up explaining why she’s no longer my doctor when I accompany EJ to his appointments.
I don’t look forward to any of it. I have imaginary conversations with my doctor, trying to prepare to talk to her.
Sigh.
I Love To Go A Gardening 