I Love To Go A Gardening
Growing Our Life in Northern Michigan
SOS Prayer
I try not to write more than one post a day, but there is an urgent need for prayer. Today when EJ went into work, he learned that a work friend was severely beaten up. She is in ICU and it is uncertain whether or not she will live.
Her name is Tammy. She needs all the prayers she can get.
Thank you!
On The First Day of Chemo…
My alarm was set for 6:30 a.m. this morning, but I woke before 5 a.m and couldn’t get back to sleep. So I made coffee, got the fire going in the woodstove, let Danny outside (and back in), did a load of laundry in my new washer and dryer (jumping for joy), checked FB, and all that.
I woke my guys up at 6 a.m., we got ready, and off we went to the Cancer Center. We had had some snow, but EJ drives well and it wasn’t a problem. We had to be at the Center at 9 a.m.
We only had to wait a couple minutes before we were taken back to the Infusion Room where JJ would receive his Chemo. Chris, the guy who took us back into the Infusion areas, is very upbeat and likeable.
I was surprised at how tiny the room was. I was expecting something a bit bigger. JJ sat in a comfy recliner. There was barely enough room for another chair–and we had to fit two chairs in for EJ and me. JJ’s nurse, Sue, said that after this they’d try to get us a bigger room.
I was not able to stay in the room while the nurse hooked the tubes up to JJ’s port. Since childhood I have struggled with fainting in doctor’s offices, hospitals, and science classes whenever I heard about, saw, or experienced medical procedures, accidents, or diseases. EJ and I think it’s because my empathy sensitivity is very, very high so I suffer deeply when others suffer. When I was in my mid-20’s I went to a behavioral modification counselor who taught me how to deal with it. Since that time, I have had surgeries, IV’s, blood transfusions, and so forth without a problem. But now this is my son suffering, and so I’m once again struggling with too much empathy as I used to do all those years ago. I stayed out of the room until the port was hooked up, but when I got back into the room, the nurse was explaining what to expect through the day, and I became very hot and clammy and nauseous. I was able–barely–not to faint or vomit, and after going from hot, clammy, and nauseous to cold and shaky, I was finally ok. JJ just looked on with amusement. He doesn’t like all this, but he’s not struggling with it as much as I am. He and EJ have heard me talk about how much I used to struggle with medical stuff when I was young, but they have never seen me like this.
Nurse Sue explained everything she was doing at each step. JJ was given several bags of various things–such as saline solution and anti-nausea medication–one after the other in preparation for the Chemo. It wasn’t until noon that JJ actually started receiving bags of the Chemo. Through the day, he had about three different Chemo medications, as well as more saline and Benadryl and I can’t remember what all else. After awhile the names and information all flow together into one big word. Chemo is so toxic that each time Sue brought in a bag of Chemo, she had to wear a gown to protect her if the bag ripped or anything. Also, each time a bag of Chemo was brought in, JJ had to recite his name and birthday, and Sue read off the information on the bag while another nurse double-checked the forms to make sure he was getting the right meds. It’s pretty serious.
There is a small refreshment area that was located outside JJ’s room today. It had coffee, water, and various juices that we could get whenever we wanted at no charge. The nurse told us it is important that JJ keeps hydrated and eats well. There is also a small fridge so we could bring in food from home, or we could bring in food from the hospital cafeteria or a restaurant or anything. Today EJ brought us food from the cafeteria. We will probably do that during his treatments. I think we will be too tired when we get home each day to worry about fixing meals for the next day. My friend has bought us gift certificates at our local diner. I called ahead and we picked up some food for JJ on the way home from the Cancer Center. The nurse said that some of the meds will make JJ very hungry–and he was hungry today.
Early afternoon EJ left to go to the repair shop to pick up our HHR. He said it drives like a dream now. EJ is our “go-fer” guy since he can find his way through a maze of hallways and roads without getting lost. I tell JJ that I am the comic relief…because I make him laugh. He thinks it’s funny that I keep almost fainting. Plus I tell him silly things that make him laugh. I also kept my guys supplied with refreshments and I ask the nurse questions.
I think the best part of the day was the visit from Sam the therapy dog. All three of us love animals, and we were delighted to meet Sam and give him lovings. At one point, Sam sat down very serious, and his handler said, “Oh, Sam, aren’t you going to smile for them?” And Sam gave the biggest grin ever. We adore Sam.
We left the Cancer Center a little after 4:30 p.m. However, our day isn’t really finished. I have to care for JJ while EJ still has to go to work. We got home about a half hour before he had to leave for work. We are thankful that his company is allowing him to work half days while JJ is on Chemo so he can be with us during treatment. JJ has to take anti-nausea pills every eight hours, so I have set my phone alarm clock to remind me when it’s time for him to take another one. Next one is at 2 a.m.
In some ways the Chemo day is’t as bad as what we’ve experienced the last couple of weeks because we don’t have to rush all over keeping appointments. EJ is able to sleep in the chair a bit. However, it is tiring to be at the hospital all day. Tomorrow we have to be at the Cancer Center for five hours. As far as I can tell, we will have to be at the Cancer Center almost every day for the next four months. The schedule is grueling and we are exhausted. However, our spirits are remaining strong.
The Night Before Chemo…
I combined Saturday and Sunday’s events into this one post.
Saturday
Staying up until the wee hours of the morning was a mistake because EJ and I had to get up at 6:30 a.m. to take the car to the service center at the dealership for repairs. Morning came too early and it was difficult to get moving.
The service guy at the dealership said that it might take an hour before they could begin running diagnostics on our car. We hadn’t had time to eat before we left this morning, and we were starving, so since the service guy had EJ’s cellphone number, we decided to search for provisions. There were stores around the dealership, but none very close. We walked for a bit in the cold 20 degree morning and came first to a Sam’s Club. We don’t have a membership, but we thought maybe we could buy one so we could shop for food…or maybe they had a deli in the store? We were stopped just inside the door and told that the store was open, but only to people buying for businesses. Bummer. At least we got to warm up a little while the “bouncer” talked to us. So we moved on and eventually came to a Target store. They had a deli, but it wasn’t open quite yet. Rats. So we continued on our way and finally came to a restaurant called Steak ‘n Shake. It was open and served breakfast. Yay! We ordered hot coffee and a breakfast of blueberry pancakes and eggs.
After breakfast, we walked the cold half-mile back to the dealership and sat in their lounge. The cushioned chairs were taken, so we sat at a table and drank free coffee. We were exhausted from too many early mornings and long days. I said, “They should have Lazy Boy chairs in this lounge so we could sit back and take a nap…” Then we fantasized, “Too bad there isn’t a mattress store nearby. We could lie on the mattress to test it….for an hour or two.” There was a theater nearby. “If we knew the car repairs was going to be a few hours, we could go to the theater and watch a movie.”
When the service guy came to talk to us, we learned that the car repairs will be more extensive than we thought. Many of the problems were major safety issues. Rather than court death, we approved the work that will cost us almost $1,500. Yikes. We did not need this on top of the washer/dryer and medical bills that are starting to come in. Also, JJ loves his Tablet and takes it everywhere with him, but he is also longing for his laptop to get fixed because his favorite on-line game is complex and needs a very good graphics card to run. The Tablet can’t handle the game and neither can EJ or my laptops. Mostly he has a community of friends at the game that he misses. We told him we will get his laptop fixed if at all possible, but it might not be possible. However, I told him that God knows our needs, including his longing to have his computer fixed so he can connect with his friends, so we must trust Him.
Thankfully, the dealership is loaning us a courtesy car while our car is in the shop so we weren’t stuck at the dealership for 2-3 days. They loaned us a Malibu with only 2,000 miles on it.
On the way home, we drove close to the meat market. EJ suggested we stop in to get Old Fashioned All-Beef Bologna, which enables us to fix delicious quick meals when we are busy or tired. We were delightfully surprised to find tables set up with samples of delicious treats. It looked almost like a holiday office party. I found later on Facebook that today was their annual Taste of the Holidays event. We were able to sample the most delicious roasts, salmon, cheese and crackers, pickles and other things. We also had a taste of a nonalcoholic Glogg, which I learned today is a Scandinavian mulled wine. I never had Glogg before and, oh, my goodness, it tasted like spiced apple rings. EJ bought a bottle of it for us to enjoy at home. Because it was nonaloholic, JJ was able to drink some. (Nothing alcoholic while on chemo.)
When we got home, EJ put the homemade chili I had made yesterday on the woodstove to heat and we took naps.
Later my friend texted me that she and her husband had bought us another gift certificate at Chubby’s for the days when we are too tired to cook. EJ and I walked to the restaurant to pick up the gift certificate and chatted with the owner for quite a while. People are awesome.
Despite everything, this was an awesome day.
Sunday
We are running out of time to get things done. Tomorrow morning chemo begins.
EJ stayed up until 4 a.m. hooking up the new washer and dryer. It is quite computerized. Before we washed clothes, we had to run the washer empty. We tried it this afternoon but we got an error code. EJ read through the manual and figured out what was wrong. Yay! I have been washing clothes at home for the first time in more than a year. When the washer or dryer is finished, it has a pleasant song instead of the scary heart-stopping alarm our old washer/dryer had.
First thing this morning I went grocery shopping. I filled the cart with last-minute things we need and also tempting food for JJ to eat during chemo. There can be no bulk foods, no raw foods, no canned food. Chemo causes a metallic taste in the mouth and canned foods can make the metallic taste worse. Even silverware can increase the metallic taste so JJ might have to use plastic silverware. Everything must be prewrapped.
I got disinfectant wipes and told JJ that I will be sorely disappointment if he doesn’t say “Wipe! Wipe!” at least once like Monk did on the TV show.
When I got home and had put away the groceries, I got to work cleaning the house. I dusted and swept and washed and mopped and disinfected. I’m still not done, but I am mostly done.
We were told that JJ will be sitting in a recliner during chemo, and that there is a TV in the room, and that JJ can bring snacks and items from home. I have been adding to our “chemo bag,” filling it with things to occupy us all for the seven hours we will be at the hospital tomorrow. I packed books, and DVDs, and snacks. I packed JJ’s Prayer Blanket that the local church gave him, and also his Bear Hat. Once I know more of what to expect, I hope I can bring my laptop with me. I don’t want to bring it if I can’t use it. EJ is hoping we have comfy chairs to sit in so he can finally sleep.
I do not know if chemo will make life more hectic and exhausting for us or less.
Backstory
I think there are people who are singers, and their language is song, so they need to sing. There are people who are dancers, and their language is dance, and they need to dance. There are people who are artists, or healers, or givers, and their language is art or healing or giving, and they need to do those things. If they don’t, they wither and die for lack of expression.
I am a person who writes, and my language is writing, and I need to write. If I don’t, the story builds inside me, threatening to explode, until I release it. I release it through blogging.
In storywriting or telling, there is something called a “backstory.” Dictionary.com defines a backstory as a “narrative providing a history or background context, especially for a character or situation in a literary work, film, or dramatic series.” In other words, a backstory is the characters’ personal history which explains why they are as they are and why they act as they do.
I think every person’s life is a story, and every person has a backstory. People have experiences and wounds and struggles that have shaped them and caused them to act as they do. A person who was physically abused as a child might flinch at an angry voice or sudden movement, for example, or a child who grew up in poverty might become a workaholic. Of course, understanding that a person had a difficult past can help us be more compassionate, but that doesn’t give that person the right to be nasty to others. Everyone has wounds and scars that hurt and ache, so we need to be as kind to others as we want others to be toward us. But even if we try to be compassionate, we can’t always know what triggers a reaction in another.
I like what EJ told me that his mother often said as he was growing up: “The bad things that happen to a child is wrong and not his fault. However, once a person becomes an adult, he is accountable for his actions.”
My backstory is that I have family that is very dysfunctional. I would call them emotionally abusive. Such abuse is tricky for even the victim to understand because it is very subtle and the abuser can seem like a very caring person who only wants what is best for his or her victim. Often the victim is very caring and compassionate, and the abuser skillfully uses that against her. With lies, deception, half-truths, shame, guilt, anger…an abuser makes his/her victim doubt herself, robs her of self-confidence, and overwhelms her identity. Like a physical abuser who hits and then sends flowers to apologize but hits again, emotional abusers engage in cycles of “niceness,” guilting and shaming and blaming, anger and unforgiveness, that keeps their victim off-balanced.
A website about brainwashing has an excerpt from the book, In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People, that explains this sort of abuse very, very well. It is well worth reading and understanding. An example of an emotional abuser can be found in the movie Tangled, where the witch who kidnapped Rapunzel undermines, insults, and controls her while seeming to be a loving mother who only wants what’s best for her daughter. Tangled is not merely a sweet, funny movie. It’s a tale of an emotionally abused girl’s fight to be free. The novel T is for Trespass by Sue Grafton also describes such abuse so accurately that I had trouble reading it and only finished it for closure. I had to know that the abuser was defeated.
I have worked through many things over the years as I became aware of the emotional abuse. I struggled to learn how to set healthy boundaries, how to form my own opinions, how to stop second-guessing myself, how to value myself, and how to forge my own identity. I still find myself struggling with these things at times. Sometimes I find myself reacting and resisting when I feel someone is telling me what to think or feel or when I feel that my freedom to form my own opinions and make my own choices is threatened.
My backstory causes me to question and challenge things I have been told or taught because I’ve experienced people pretending to be something they are not, and distorting and twisting words and events. I greatly value and write about truth and honesty and the freedom to question because I have found Truth to be a knife that cuts through deception, manipulation, and lies. If we know the Truth, the Bible says, it will set us free.
For more than 20 years, I struggled with questions of what it means to repent and forgive, what love really is, and many, many other things too numerous to explain here. And I have grown and been strengthened through it all, and have learned to love my Messiah even deeper. I’m becoming more and more the Me that God designed me to be.
One of the many things I have learned is that we all have strengths and weaknesses, good qualities and bad. We all say or do things that we shouldn’t have, or we don’t say/do things that we should have. Not one person, no matter how good or strong or loving or trustworthy, never fails. Except God, of course. Therefore, acknowledging and repenting of our own wrongdoings and forgiving others for theirs is essential in a relationship. Without a willingness from both sides in a conflict to repent and forgive, a relationship dies, no matter how much one might love the other or want to reconcile with him. Furthermore, if a person refuses to repent or forgive, he cuts himself off from receiving forgiveness because a person cannot receive forgiveness for a wrong that he refuses to acknowledge he committed.
I love and have been helped by a Jewish teaching that says that
1. If I offend a person, I am obligated before God to repent and ask him for forgiveness.
2. If someone offends me, and truly repents and asks me to forgive him, I am obligated before God to forgive him.
3. If someone offends me but is not repentant, I must not forgive him because to do so would allow him to continue in his sin and to continue causing damage. This, of course, does not mean that we hate that person, but rather that we do not allow him into our lives.
This is actually very Biblical. For example, Luke 17:3-4 says:
Watch yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. Also, if seven times in one day he sins against you, and seven times he comes to you and says, ‘I repent,’ you are to forgive him.” (Luke 17:3-4)
The repentance, of course, must be genuine, not fake. I think that’s why Joseph tested his brothers in Genesis. If he had found them still filled with murderous hatred, I doubt he would have revealed himself to them. It’s only when he saw genuine repentance and change that he told them who he was.
2 Timothy 3:1-5 says:
Moreover, understand this: in the last days will come trying times. People will be self-loving, money-loving, proud, arrogant, insulting, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, uncontrolled, brutal, hateful of good, traitorous, headstrong, swollen with conceit, loving pleasure rather than God, as they retain the outer form of religion but deny its power. Stay away from these people!
And there are other such Scriptures. While we are to be compassionate, forgiving, and give people the benefit of the doubt, I do not think that means that we are to allow unrepentant abuse to continue.
A few years ago, after an especially tumultuous year with my family, a year in which I offered love and forgiveness and a willingness to “start over” and it was angrily rejected, I finally recognized that I could not endure the turmoil any more and I had to protect myself, my EJ, and my JJ. I do not hate my family, I truly forgive them, I pray for God to work in their lives in whatever way He knows they need, and I wish them well, but I acknowledge that sometimes relationship is simply not possible. There comes a point when “enough is enough,” the relationship is unfixable, and we have to protect ourselves and our own families from further damage. Even if there isn’t abuse, sometimes relationships die or grow apart and it’s best to accept that and move on.
I have shared a bit of my backstory tonight only because I have a reason to suspect that my family has discovered my blog. I do not share my real name on this blog because my family has searched for and found previous blogs that I wrote in the past. They criticized and became angry at what I wrote, and tried to control what I wrote, so I finally just ended the blog and thought, “It’s no use, I will just not write again.”
But I am a person who writes, and my language is writing, and I need to write. If I don’t, the story builds inside me, threatening to explode, until I release it. I release it through blogging. There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside me. So I started this blog. Of all the blogs I have written, I love this one the most because I love the readers here. You are so wonderfully supportive and compassionate and make writing a joy.
It takes intentional effort to find a specific person’s blog. It takes deliberate looking. So in order to find my blog, my family needed to have sought it out. I just don’t understand why they bother. Although my family doesn’t value me, they won’t let me go either. They won’t forgive, but neither will they let me go my separate way. At one time, I really wanted them a part of my life, but that is no longer the case. After more than 20 years of trying to reconcile with them, after 20 years of turmoil, I have accepted that friendship is not possible, and I no longer want them in my life. I feel sad for what could have been, and isn’t, but no longer have any secret yearnings to reconnect. There has been too much turmoil and too much damage. I want my wishes to be left alone to be respected, as I respect their privacy. I do not seek out my family on the Internet, I do not try to find out information about them. I can’t understand why they can’t just move on and enjoy their own lives and let me enjoy mine. I mean, can’t they find anything better to do with their time then to stalk me?
I remember when I was in 6th grade, a bully harassed my friend. Even though I was introspective and quiet, I went up to the bully and said to her that no one likes everyone, and that’s ok. We don’t have to be friends with everyone. However, if we don’t like a person, we don’t have to torment her and make her life miserable either. We could just let her be to live her life in peace and live our life in peace too. I asked the bully to please let my friend live her life without harassment. The bully did just that. She left my friend alone.
I wish everyone would do that.
Ema Dov’s Popcorn
When JJ was first diagnosed with testicular cancer, I talked to a woman from a cancer center in California. She was very caring and gave me some advice, including the fact that I must be our son’s advocate. “You must be a Mama Bear,” she urged. “Ask questions. Insist on answers. Remember, you are fighting for your son’s life.”
I told my friend who studies Hebrew with me that I was told that I must be a Mama Bear, and she nicknamed me דוב אמא (Ema Dov), which is “Mama Bear” in Hebrew. I think it is a very beautiful nickname, and it reminds me that I must be a Mama Bear for my son.
Today I was a Mama Bear. To be honest, I do not know when a person is being a Mama Bear and when she crosses the line into being a jerk, but I growled a bit.
This morning EJ drove JJ to the Big City (but not the Very Big City) for his blood test. I stayed home to make challah bread, and lunch, and clean the house a bit.
After the blood work, they drove to the tire place and got two new front tires. EJ was told that the control arm on the left side of the car was pushing on the tire and shredding it. I don’t really know what a control arm is, but I do understand that the tire was shredded and ruined. The control arm will shred the new tires if we don’t get it fixed as soon as possible. So EJ and I drove to our friend’s and borrowed his truck until the car gets fixed. (EJ and his friend often help each other out.) EJ tried to call the service department at a car dealership before work but he got put on hold for 9 minutes and then shuffled around to various departments. He finally gave up in frustration and disgust and left for work.
This is where my growling began. Because we don’t have much more time to get stuff done. Next week we will be with JJ as he has chemo for hours every day, and then EJ will have to go to work, and we won’t have time for anything else. So I texted EJ with a desperate Mama Bear growl and offered to call dealerships because we need the work done NOW. He told me which dealerships to call. One was in a city in the opposite direction and they couldn’t get us in until Tuesday, which totally wouldn’t work. Finally EJ told me to call the first dealership, which is where he wanted to go anyway. They do good work, they just don’t answer the phone well. In fact, the first time I called, I got disconnected, but I was able to get through the second time and make an appointment to get the car fixed tomorrow at 8:30. It means getting up at 6:30 a.m.–another early morning–but I am so relieved to have the car repaired before chemo starts.
This weekend EJ has to finish hooking up the washer/dryer because I absolutely can’t be running to the laundromat during chemo. I plan to go grocery shopping this weekend, and clean the house really well on Sunday, disinfecting it as well as I can.
After I arranged for the car to get fixed, and had gone to the post office for our mail (JJ’s cases of Boost arrived today), and had brought in firewood, and had washed dishes, I made popcorn. Popcorn is my comfort food. Not microwave popcorn, but real honest-to-goodness popcorn made the old-fashioned way on the stove. I melted cheese in the butter and poured it over the popcorn. Oh, yum. EJ says I make the tastiest popcorn he’s ever had, the best in all the world, and I have to agree. I grew up in a family that loved popcorn, and I was quite young when I became the family popcorn maker. I know how to make popcorn.
My favorite popcorn story is when I visited my brother years ago, when he was in the Army and stationed in Colorado Springs. One evening we craved popcorn but he had run out, so we asked his wife to buy us some on her way to…wherever it was she had to be. However, she said she didn’t have time to stop at the store. We begged her, pleading that this was an absolute Popcorn Emergency and we wouldn’t survive without it. She drove off, and a few minutes later we heard the beep-beep of a car horn. We looked out the window just in time to see her throw the bag of popcorn out the window as she drove past. She didn’t even slow down. The bag of popcorn sailed through the air and landed intact on the grass. We joyfully ran out and retrieved it. I made popcorn. Yum.
Anyway, today I was stressed, and forgetful, and I poured the popcorn in the pan, put the lid on the pan, turned on the burner, and then went into the other room to sit for a moment. I listened for the popping to begin, signalling me to go to the kitchen and begin shaking the pan. After a couple of minutes I didn’t hear popping so I went into the kitchen to check. Smoke was pouring out of the pan. Oh, no! I had forgotten to add the peanut oil. I NEVER do that! The kernels were blackened and melted into the bottom of the pan. I scraped the hot kernels out into a bowl and put the smoking bowl out on the back porch, and then I scrubbed the pan and made more popcorn, this time remembering the peanut oil.
Yum.
After a frustrating day, I no longer feel like growling. I am finally relaxing as I enjoy popcorn, my delicious comfort food.
A Fellowship of Friends
Yesterday evening JJ and I were relaxing at home when the power unexpectedly went out and we were plunged into deep darkness. Since there were no storms or anything, we weren’t prepared for a power outage. I used my cell phone to find a head light but the battery was weak so it was pretty much useless. So I found candles and matches and used the lit candle to locate the battery powered lantern after I texted EJ to find out where it was. It was in the basement. The power returned after about 15 minutes. I found out from a local FB friend that a pole caught fire at school during the afternoon and they were replacing it. Nothing was said about what kind of pole or why it caught on fire.
When the power went out, I was dismayed because I needed an alarm to wake us up at 5 a.m. I usually use my phone alarm, but the battery was low-ish. So I texted several friends and asked them to please pray that the power didn’t stay off! Two friends told me they’d be willing to call me to wake me up. Fortunately, the power came back on. I informed my friends and immediately plugged my cell phone in to recharge it…just in case.
At 5 a.m., my phone alarm went off. Immediately afterwards, I got a text that said,
“Need to get up! Rise and shine! Drive careful.”
My friend lives out of state and would have had to get up at 4 a.m. her time to wake me at 5 a.m. my time. I have the coolest, sweetest friends.
Our local friends are awesome too. One read my blog yesterday about Amazon Prime and wrote:
My dearest TJ, do not forget that your dear neighbor lady works in a grocery store. Anything you need, [Friend-Amazon] can deliver as well. Pm me your order and it shall come to your door, free of charge.
Another out-of-state friend occasionally buys us gift certificates at our favorite local diner. She says that if she lived nearby she’d bring us food, but since she can’t do that, she buys us the gift certificates, especially when she knows that we have had a long tiring day. The people at the diner are tremendously caring toward JJ. It’s kind of awesome that the restaurant owners recognize my friend’s voice now. A benefit of living in a small town, I guess. Wherever I go in our little village–post office, bank, library, restaurant, store–people ask how he is doing.
And there are so very many, many other friends, who show us love in so many ways, through encouragement and prayers, including you who read this blog. No action is too small. All are Hugs from Heaven. You are all so loving that you bring tears to my eyes.
Anyway, this morning we got ourselves up and on the road before sunrise for our final visit to the sperm bank. There is a risk that chemo could make JJ sterile, so it was recommended we go to a sperm bank to help ensure he can have children later. They recommend five trips before chemo begins because each deposit is considered a “try” and not every woman gets pregnant on her first try. So five deposits increase the chances of success. We only had time to fit in four trips.
EJ and I actually love drives because we enjoy beautiful scenery and long talks. However, we do not enjoy long drives in Big Cities. Near the Very Big City, we got caught in another traffic jam, slowing at times to a crawl. I can’t believe that people drive to work in such traffic every morning. This time the drive didn’t stress me as much as the previous time, although it was bad enough. Maybe it’s like the time I visited my sister in California and we spent all day at Disneyland. Toward the end of the day, we were so tired that we went on roller coaster rides just so we could sit down. While everyone else was screaming, we sat like zombies. Maybe I was tired like that and too tired to scream about the rushing traffic.
I really enjoy beautiful or interesting buildings, and the sperm bank is beautiful inside, so I brought my camera with me today and discreetly took pictures. I know, I know, I am nuts, but my FB friends know that I love and collect pictures of interesting buildings which I share in a FB album. I love the green and white colors, and had once thought of painting our living/dining room those colors. However, our rooms are darkish and we need lighter colors to brighten them. You can click on the pictures below to enlarge them.
The staff at the sperm bank are very warm and compassionate. The one who was there today had fought and won a battle with cancer. She had had a port for 18 months and she reassured JJ that in a week he would hardly be aware that he had a port. She said that it’s only about a five minute procedure to take it out and she showed us her scar so we could see how little it was. She also told us that when she was having Chemo, a fellow patient told her about a pain cream that really helped her if her port ached while having chemo. She told us the name and I called JJ’s doctor on the way home. The doctor’s office called in a prescription of it for him.
I am finding that cancer patients/survivors form a sort of fellowship and they help each other out with encouragement and tips. But all my friends both near and far, are helping us through.
On the way home, we discussed that we had heard that Amazon’s CEO had announced that his company is hoping to develop delivery via drone. We discussed the idea, how we thought it would work (or not), and ended up pretty much developing a science fiction story about it between the three of us. We are a family of storytellers.
EJ was so tired that he sort of drifted off to sleep several times as he drove home. As soon as we got home, EJ fell asleep in his Lazyboy chair and JJ fell asleep on the couch. EJ slept until shortly before he had to leave for work, and JJ slept all afternoon. I drove to the post office for our mail and then came home and fixed lunch. I made Thanksgiving Leftover Casserole. I had made it yesterday and they liked it so much that they wanted it again. I put it in the oven and then fell asleep on the loveseat. I actually slept too long so the casserole was in the oven for an hour too long, but it still turned out perfectly.
Tomorrow JJ has to have yet another blood test. He has to have a blood test every week from now on so the doctors can see how his body is handling the chemo. After tomorrow’s blood test is out of the way, EJ will stop to get new tires put on the car. We decided that tomorrow I will stay home so that I can make Challah Bread for Shabbat. We so desperately need a Shabbat rest this week.
We are really tired right now, but our spirits are actually quite strong. We are so very aware of God strengthening us and meeting our needs in so many ways.
Mid-Week Rushing
Yesterday evening I was so tired that I fell asleep on the loveseat. I woke when EJ got home from work, and after chatting with him for a few minutes, I went to bed.
As soon as the sun started to rise this morning, I loaded the baskets of dirty laundry into the car and drove the two blocks to the laundromat. We have been so busy rushing here and there that EJ hasn’t had time to finish hooking up the new washer/dryer and the hamper was overflowing with dirty clothes. I figured that one more trip to the laundromat would be helpful. Usually I only washed the clothes and then brought them home to dry in the dryer. However, when the delivery men brought in the new stackable washer/dryer, they took out the old one, which means today I had to dry the clothes at the laundromat as well as wash them.
I had never really used the laundromat dryers before. I loaded up four dryers: two on top and two beneath. I put four quarters in one of the dryers, then pushed the “hot” and start buttons, and then went to the next dryer and got it going. Then I noticed that the first dryer wasn’t running and the time had reset to nothing. I put in another quarter, thinking I had done something wrong, and then a lady told me that that dryer and the one underneath were broken. So I had to take out the wet clothes and put them into different dryers. I had planned to load up the dryers and then run errands, but with the problem with the broken dryers and my ignorance, the times of the dryers were staggered: some running for 30 mins, some for 20 mins, and some for 10 mins. Don’t ask me how I managed it. I think I put in different numbers of quarters or something. So I had to stay put in the laundromat and feed quarters into dryers whose clothes weren’t yet dry. I felt kinda of stupid, but, oh, well, I’ve never used the dryers before. This will be the very last time I have to go to the laundromat.
Tomorrow we get up at 5 a.m. to drive to the sperm bank in the Very Big City one last time. I’m concerned about the tires, and had so hoped we could have gotten them changed today. But EJ called the tire place and discovered they have to order the tires we need for our car. He made an appointment to get new tires on the car on Friday. We have to be in that city anyway because JJ needs a blood test. It might be hard for him to wait around for tires to be changed, but we are running out of time to get things done. Hopefully it won’t take too long. Soon EJ is going to take the car in to have several problems fixed on it. One of the problems is that the hub is breaking or something–not the hub cap, but the hub. I am not sure what a hub is, but it sounds as if it breaking is a Very Bad Thing and could kill us all. EJ says he when we get the time and the money–very soon–he will take the car in and say, “Fix all the problems.” I’ll just pray that we make it to and from the Very Big City safely and that the car holds up until we can get it fixed.
JJ has felt pain and fatigue from yesterday’s surgery. He is a bit discouraged today–he is getting tired of surgeries, blood tests, and pain. And he’s not looking forward to going to the sperm bank tomorrow. If I had known sooner that he was dreading it, I would have cancelled it, but he didn’t tell me until too late in the day. I’m hoping he will feel better by tomorrow so it won’t be too much of an ordeal for him.
This afternoon I ordered more things from Amazon. Amazon Prime, with its free shipping, has become a lifesaver. I am able to order necessities that we don’t have time to run to the store for. I’ve ordered things like medical masks (so we can keep germs from JJ if we get sick), gloves, and a digital thermometer to use when JJ begins Chemo. We were told during Chemo class that we have to have one to keep track of his temperature if he gets sick. I was thrilled that I also was able to order Boost, a nutritional high protein drink that we’ve been buying to try to fatten JJ up before Chemo. Also, it will be a good drink for him if he gets sick during Chemo and can’t keep food down. He loves the chocolate and drinks several a day. I also found healthy probiotic jello for JJ from a company called Jeannie. I bought a box of 12 assorted flavors, but it arrived with 14 boxes and a nice note from the owner that she was including two extra. I liked her on Facebook and told her I appreciated it!
I’ve also bought things like socks, and toilet cleaner, and the high-efficiency laundry detergent that my new washer/dryer requires at Amazon. Anything I need but I don’t have time to shop for at the store, I am having sent to me. Often I can get the items cheaper on Amazon–and it’s shipped free right to my door! Being able to shop from home is such a blessing. As I said, it’s a life-saver. Plus, I’ve always thought it fun to get packages in the mail, even if it’s only toilet cleaner. 🙂
I also splurged just a bit and bought the bird feeders and the hook thing to hang them on. The hook arrived earlier this week, and that afternoon I dug a hole outside our big living room window and set it up. This morning the bird feeders arrived so I filled them with seed and hung them up. I think the feeders I chose are very pretty and suit the style of our house. I also have window feeders, one on the big window and one on a window that JJ can see as he lies on the couch. Watching the birds will be a spirit-lifter for us all. I can’t wait until the birds start using it. I’ve heard it takes a few days for them to become aware of new feeders.
Port Surgery
We got up at 4:30 a.m. this morning to drive to the hospital. We left a little early because the weather was a “wintry mix” and there was ice on the roads. The roads were a bit slick and EJ drove slower than normal, but we made it to the hospital for JJ’s 7 a.m. check in time without any trouble.
The nurses called JJ back to prep him for surgery. We were supposed to be called as soon as he was ready so we could be with him before they took him away for surgery, but we waited and waited. EJ finally went to ask when we could join our son when we were called back. Supposedly we could have joined him 15 minutes earlier. Talking to the nurse who was attending JJ, we surmised that the soft-spoken elderly volunteer probably informed the wrong family that JJ was ready since the nurse said she had been told that “JJ’s parents and girlfriend” had been notified.
We spent about an hour–maybe more–with JJ before he was wheeled away to surgery. Then we went to the surgical lounge to wait. In the surgical lounge were several electronic status boards on the walls that had patient names, their surgeon and medical staff, and where they were in the process–whether in pre-op, surgery, or recovery–so we could be updated on what was happening to JJ. We were also given a pager so we could be paged when JJ woke up and we could join him.
EJ was so tired that he lay down on a long cushioned bench in the lounge and slept while we waited. I sat next to him and drank coffee and played with JJ’s new Tablet that our friends bought him to keep him company while he is in Chemo. He brought it along with him to play with in the car, and then handed it over for my safe-keeping, telling me I could use it and briefly showing me how.
It wasn’t long before the surgeon came to get us. He told us the surgery went well, and we were led to the recovery room. After a brief wait, we were on our way home. I called ahead for food from the little restaurant in our town and after helping JJ into the house, I went on to pick up the food and after we ate, we all took naps. We were exhausted.
Through the afternoon, JJ has been in some discomfort, but he is mostly doing well.
This morning EJ asked me what is on the schedule for tomorrow. I told him that sleep is on our schedule. We were so looking forward to a day to sleep in. However, our day quickly got filled again: EJ says that with all the traveling we are doing, we need to have good tires and he can get that done tomorrow. He hasn’t yet had time to finish hooking up the washer/dryer (he will get it done before Chemo starts) so I am planning to take the clothes to the laundromat one last time.
The Very Big City
We got up before the sun did this morning to drive to the sperm bank in the Very Big City. This is JJ’s third trip there.
I can appreciate that Very Big Cities have wonderful museums, performing arts centers, libraries, international restaurants, zoos, and other marvels, all of which I think are amazing. However, I hate Very Big Cities. I hate people and buildings everywhere, and the frantic pace, and the aggressive attitudes, and the awful traffic. This morning there was an accident, which we never saw, somewhere ahead of us that caused traffic to back up for miles and miles. We and hundreds of thousands of others slowed to a crawl and sometimes to a stop. At one point, a pickup started to move left into our lane. He almost sideswiped us. I sort of screamed. “Don’t ever, ever scream while I am driving,” EJ said. Yeah, right, how can a person not scream when she sees death approaching? A scream is not always a conscious act. All the time we were in the clutches of the Very Big City, I felt like this:
We have only one more trip to the sperm bank in the Very Big City–on Thursday–and then maybe we will never have to go there again. I hope not. I am so completely a small town girl.
My guys curled up on couch and chair and napped as soon as we got home. I quickly prepared lunch and then also tried to nap, but I only slightly dozed.
Tomorrow we have to get up early again. JJ has surgery to put his port in at 9 a.m. EST. Tonight is going to be a long ordeal because he is dreading it so much. The drive to the hospital might also be an ordeal if we get the freezing rain that I’ve heard is possible.
The Prayer Blanket
Today was my and EJ’s anniversary. We have been married for 23 years. I am glad he is my husband and my very best friend.
To celebrate, we ordered food from our favorite local restaurant, and they delivered it to our door. Other than that, EJ caught up on some much-needed sleep and I took the time to pay bills. It’s a relief to get that task out of the way.
JJ was a member of the local Boy Scout troop for several years. This last Spring he became an Eagle Scout. An Eagle Scout is the highest rank attainable in the Boy Scouts of America. Not many achieve this rank. In order to become an Eagle Scout, a boy must earn at least 21 merit badges and demonstrate Scout Spirit through the Boy Scout Oath and Law, service, and leadership. This includes an extensive service project that the Scout plans, organizes, leads, and manages. JJ’s project was cleaning up and installing a new liner in a pond in a community park the village is developing.
When a Scout turns 18-years-old, he is no longer a member of the troop unless he becomes an adult leader. However, a couple of days ago, the Scoutmaster of JJ’s troop called to ask him if he would attend the Court of Honor at the local church tonight. A Court of Honor is a ceremony held twice a year in which Scouts are awarded the merit badges they have earned and advance in rank. After the Court of Honor in December there is usually a potluck.
After we had eaten, but without bringing JJ embarrassing attention, JJ was given a card that all the members of the troop had signed. He was also given a blanket that the ladies of the church had made. The Scoutmaster told us that the congregation had prayed over it before giving it to JJ. An accompanying card said:
Someone Cares
This Blanket was prayerfully made for you by the United Methodist Women’s Local Ministries Group, and has been blessed by our congregation. May it bring you comfort as you heal.
I thought it was very sweet, especially since we have only ever gone to this church for Scout meetings and events. JJ will take it with him to Chemo next week. It is very warm and has wolves all over it. We laughed that he is an Eagle Scout, has a Bear hat, and now a Wolf blanket. He seems to be collecting animals.
I thought the Scoutmaster was close to tears several times as he talked to us and JJ tonight.
Tomorrow we have to get up at 5 a.m. to make another two-hour trip to the sperm bank. Tuesday we have to get up early again to go to the hospital to have the port put in. JJ is extremely nervous about the port.
JJ said tonight that his armpits ached a bit. This concerns me that maybe his cancer has spread. We didn’t recognize the symptoms of cancer before. Now every ache is suspect. I will be glad when his treatment begins so we can’t start actively fighting it.
Whirlwind of Busyness
The last week has been a whirlwind of busyness. The busyness exhausts us, but mostly our spirits are good.
Monday morning JJ had an appointment with the surgeon who will be putting in the port on this coming Tuesday. He showed us what a port looks like. I only half looked and listened because it makes me nauseous. Of all the things that has happened in JJ’s life in the last month, this makes him the most nervous. He’s really struggling with it.
Monday afternoon JJ had a Pulmonary Function Test, which measures his lung capacity. Only one of us could be with him during the hour-long test, so EJ chose to go this time while I sort of dozed in a small waiting room.
Tuesday we had an appointment at the sperm bank in a large city that was two hours away. EJ almost never gets lost, but we were tired, and we got turned around in the big city, called the sperm bank for directions, got turned around again, and finally arrived at the appointment an hour late. Fortunately, the people at the sperm bank are incredibly nice and understanding and weren’t upset that we were late. They were also very informative about the process and procedures. I found the whole thing very sci-fi and fascinating.
Wednesday JJ needed a blood test for his port surgery. I ended up staying home because our friend was going to return JJ’s computer, which he was repairing. It turns out JJ will need a new computer tower. He’s frustrated by the lack of a computer because his favorite game is very complex and only a gaming computer can handle it. I’d love to get him a new tower, but I don’t know when or how that will happen. While my guys were gone, I began to clean and organize the house in preparation for Chemo. I got the downstairs cleaned.
Thursday was Thanksgiving. EJ’s sister had invited us to their house, but there was going to be a lot of people there and we didn’t want to risk JJ getting sick and having his treatment delayed so we stayed home. I like large Thanksgiving gatherings, but I’m very glad we stayed home because we were utterly exhausted. EJ put the turkey in the roaster and I prepared yams and stuffing and made two pumpkin pies and a mincemeat pie. Then we sat and relaxed for a bit, watching the parade and football.
Later in the afternoon, I cleaned and organized the upstairs. Until JJ was diagnosed with cancer, we had been getting ready to build bookshelves downstairs, so I had not worried about finding space for new books because I thought we’d be bringing them all downstairs. So books were everywhere in the library/guest room. We have five bookcases in the library/guest room and books are double and tripled stacked and piled high. We love books. I mostly needed to clean that room so JJ can use the treadmill which is also in the room. The doctors say it will be important that he gets some exercise through all this. It will be easier for him to take a moment or two to walk on the treadmill than to go for a walk outside, especially if the weather turns nasty.
Later in the afternoon, EJ began preparations for the new washing and dryer. Years ago, our friend’s son-in-law hit a rough time and needed some money, so we paid him to do some construction work. The young man’s Dad owned a construction business and he had been learning the trade too. The problem is that the guy never listened to what we wanted. We had him put in our old stackable washer/dryer, which required some electrical work to put in a new socket (or something) but rather than do that, he hard-wired the stackable into the electrical box. That’s just crazy. So yesterday EJ had to unwire it so he could move the old stackable out of the bathroom. He was very careful, but something loosened up and we lost half the electricity in our house. It took an hour or two to track down the loose connection and restore power. EJ needs to put in a socket for the washer/dryer (the job he had originally wanted the young man to do), as well as other work. He didn’t have all the supplies he needed and the home improvement stores were closed, so he couldn’t finish the work. Just as well, we were all exhausted.
Friday EJ drove JJ back to the sperm bank while I stayed home to wait for the new washer/dryer to be delivered. While I waited, I made Challah Bread and homemade turkey pot pies. I also brought in wood and walked to the local little store for milk. I was really glad that the delivery men didn’t arrive until my guys got home. In fact, they arrived seconds after my guys did. EJ was able to tell them exactly what he wanted them to do. After the washer/dryer was brought in and the delivery guys had left, I fed my guys and then JJ went to his room for a nap while EJ and I drove to the hardware store (the little near one, not the big farther one) for supplies. He spent the next few hours working in the basement to do the necessary work to hook up the washer/dryer. He made great progress, but didn’t get it all finished.
We recently bought Amazon Prime, which allows us to get free shipping on many items we order at Amazon. Since we haven’t been able to find time to get to the store, I have been ordering things on Amazon. I have bought things to use at home when Chemo starts–like medical gloves and masks and a digital thermometer and healthy jello. And since we need to keep our spirits strong, I ordered a couple of bird feeders and a hook-thing to hang them on. EJ has been wanting to feed the birds for years now so this is for him, although we will all enjoy it. We will put the feeders outside the living room window. It will be fun and relaxing to watch the birds. I’ve already found our bird identification books and put them nearby. I hope we will get more than sparrows, but even they will be fun to watch.
As we sat in the waiting room a week or two ago waiting for the Chemo Class to begin, JJ made a bet with me about whether or not I would faint during the class. He lost–I did NOT faint–so I ordered him a dorky bear hat from Amazon. It arrived this last week. He told me that he has to complain about it in order to safeguard his masculinity, but secretly he really likes it. It keeps his head very warm. The sides go down into a scarf and ends with paws. The paws are actually pockets. I think he’s very adorable, my cub sitting there with his bear hat on.
Our car needs new tires and because we have so much to do and so little time to do it, we were going to get it done today, even though it’s Shabbat when we take a day to simply rest. EJ also needs to finish up the washer-dryer hookup this weekend. However, we are so exhausted that I think we can’t push ourselves anymore. We absolutely need this day to rest. We can wait until tomorrow to finish the work.
Hanukkah began Wednesday evening. It’s a beautiful holiday about letting our lights shine in the darkness, and not letting the darkness of the culture overcome us or our faith. It is probably during this holiday that Yeshua (Jesus) was conceived. (His birthday was probably during Sukkot, the Feast of Tabernacles, in which God became flesh and dwelt–or tabernacled–among us). I love the beauty and meaning of Hanukkah.
Hanukkah lasts for eight days. So last night, at sunset, we stopped working and lit our Hanukkah candles. Then we celebrated the beginning of Shabbat. As the beautiful candles were lit, we felt peace descend.
Now we rest.
More about Hanukkah:
Hebrew for Christians: Information about Hanukkah
Biblical Holidays: Why Are Christians Celebrating Hanukkah?
The Adventurers
Writing about stories and adventures made me think of a couple of poems I wrote a couple of years ago. They were inspired by The Hobbit and my own life. I’ve really always been quite a Hobbit at heart.
The Adventurer
I sit by the fire
In my nice cozy nest
Content to read books
Of knights on great quests
It’s not that I mind
Adventures or danger
Or travel to lands
That grow ever stranger
I’ll gladly climb mountains
And sail stormy seas
If I’m able to do it
While sipping hot teas
I’ll boldly steal treasure
From the fierce dragon’s lair
If I’m snuggled quite safely
In my old rocking chair.
The Safe Adventurer
Or put down the book.
In-Between Chapters
Today was extremely busy.
This morning I washed our clothes at the laundromat. I told EJ that he didn’t have to go with me since he had just woke up and his back hurt, but when I got to the laundromat I realized I had forgotten the detergent so I called him and he walked to the laundromat to deliver it to me. Then he walked back home to finish his breakfast.
After I got home and the first load of wet clothes in the dryer, I took out the garbage and then went into the back yard to stack wood. We had had two face cords delivered yesterday. I didn’t tell EJ that I was stacking wood because I wanted him to rest his back. I got more than half the wood stacked before he discovered me, and then he helped me finish.
Back in the house, EJ started cooking lunch while I helped JJ with the forms he has to fill out in preparation for the appointment with the surgeon tomorrow. I also printed out maps for our appointments for the next two days. All are at places we have never been to before.
I looked through the packet of information that we were given at the Chemo Class a few days ago so I would know what foods and items JJ will need when he has Chemo, and which things he needs to avoid. There is a lot to learn and remember. One thing I learned is that if JJ gets any bodily fluids on any clothing, we have to immediately wash them TWICE. I was content to wash my clothes at the laundromat each week, but since it would be unreasonable and exhausting and impossible to immediately run to the laundromat if/whenever JJ vomits, EJ and I decided it was time to buy a new washer and dryer.
Our washer/dryer is in our downstairs bathroom. The space is only big enough for a stackable washer/dryer. A couple of years ago the washer part broke and money has been a bit tight, so we’ve been washing our clothes at the laundromat and bringing them home to dry–either in the dryer part or outside on the clothesline. A few months ago we brainstormed about possibly reconfiguring our bathroom so we could fit in a separate washer and dryer. That way if one broke we’d only have to replace that one and not both. But we don’t have time to reconfigure bathrooms right now so EJ found a stackable at Lowes website and off we went.
We stopped first at our friend RB’s house to borrow his truck because we were planning to bring the washer/dryer home with us. Then we drove on to Lowes. They didn’t have any stackables in stock. Stackables are a special order item and would not be delivered until the day before JJ begins Chemo, which is too late to get it set up. With all the appointments we will be driving to in the next couple weeks, we really needed to buy a stackable today, but it looked like we couldn’t. As soon as we got in the truck, I prayed that God would help us find one. Then I opened my eyes and saw Sears. “Oh! Let’s try Sears!” I urged. So we went into the store. We found washers and dryers that are separate and can be placed side by side or they can be stacked one on top of the other. They are pretty cool. That’s just perfect. They will fit in our bathroom space, but if one breaks, both don’t need to be replaced. They will be delivered on Black Friday, and I think the delivery men will set them up and help hook them up. Now I won’t have to worry about running to the laundromat during JJ’s Chemo.
On the way home, we stopped at RB’s to drop off his truck and retrieve our car. We ended up visiting with him and his 18-year-old daughter for longer than we expected. We talked a lot about suffering and faith.
RB’s daughter reads this blog [Hi, CB!], and she said that she thinks my blog is written in layers. She said she doesn’t know how to explain it, but in one layer she reads emotions like pain, fear, weariness, and so forth, but in another layer she thinks it’s almost as if we enjoy suffering because I write about how God is working in our lives through everything. I really do not like suffering, of course, and she realizes that, but I have experienced God doing some amazing things in and around me through it. I think CB pretty much understands.
A few weeks ago I wrote about being in the middle of the story. A related topic that I have been pondering is that I sometimes feel as if some motivational stories are lacking something. I’m probably just very weird because I know that motivational stories can be very inspiring. And I realize, of course, that a lot of times people have limited time to share their stories, and they want to get across the very real truth that they have found God to be faithful in every difficulty. I really do get it.
But sometimes the stories feel unfinished to me, as if the speaker began with Chapter 1 and then jumped to the last Chapter. I supposed any story could actually be summed up in a sentence or two. Like: “Frodo traveled to Mordor with Sam and threw the One Ring into the fire of Mt. Doom. The End.” But what kind of story is that? All stories describe not just the beginning and the end, but the journey in-between. I think a reader has to follow the heroes through all the chapters of the story, sharing in the dangers, the temptations, the agony, the pain. He has to wonder if the hero will overcome and survive the journey. Only then can he understand the victory at the end.
I believe that our lives are stories, and I love to hear about the journey. When people share only the first and last chapters of their stories (“I encountered a difficulty…God delivered me.) I always wonder what happened in the chapters in-between. I believe that God can give a person supernatural peace and strength to make it through a difficulty. Of course He can. But I also think that our lives are a journey of faith, a process in which we grow through the story, and most people don’t go through life without some in-between chapters. Hearing only the first and last chapters of a person’s story make it sound (to me) as if there was nothing but unwavering faith, unassailable doubt, and joyful songs. But surely in between the beginning of the difficulty and the end of it, there must have been struggle, tears, heartache, at least at some point? So I want to know “What’s the whole story?”
I love stories. I love all the chapters of a story, even the scary and sad parts in the middle when all seems lost. For example, my favorite part of Star Wars The Phantom Menace is when everything seems lost: the group storming the palace are captured. Those fighting on the battlefield are defeated by the droids. Little Anakin accidentally hit the autopilot on the plane and is taken to the space station where he is surrounded by the enemy. The odds are overwhelming. Everyone is defeated. Everything is hopeless. I love this part because it sets the stage for the glorious victory later. I can’t understand the victory without understanding the pain. I can’t understand the destination without sharing the journey. If I don’t read the in-between chapters of the story, I can’t understand the ending. At least, that’s what I think.
That’s why I don’t just write about the good, happy, strong days. I also write about the tiring days, and the scary days, and the discouraging days of my journey. Good stories have danger, risk, temptation, weakness, pain, and/or enemies that need to be overcome. In good stories, readers don’t know if the heroes will survive. In good stories, the characters are transformed on the journey.
I love good stories. I love reading them and I love telling them. Our battle with cancer is a story. People reading it should wonder if we will survive the journey? Will we overcome the danger? Will we be transformed? Only boring stories have no danger and predictable endings.
Sometimes when I complain that our own story is getting a bit too scary, EJ says, “You don’t want our life to be a boring story, do you?”
I want to end this post with a YouTube video. I think songs are stories set to music. In this hilarious video, comedian Tim Hawkins shortens some musical stories to one sentence or verse. As you can see, without all the verses, a lot of the story is lost.
Appointment Controller
I am beginning to feel like an air traffic controller, only I am directing appointments instead of airplanes. So many appointments are being set up now, and I have to try to make sure they don’t collide with each other. It’s hectic.
We had almost forgotten the appointment EJ had made months ago for a physical. We realized Wednesday that the appointment was Friday and that he needed lab work done. EJ actually called the doctor’s office to cancel because he didn’t think that the lab would have time to send the results to the doctor. The receptionist encouraged EJ to go to the appointment anyway. So Thursday EJ and I got up early to drive about 45 minutes or so to the lab. There weren’t many people in the waiting room, so he quickly was taken back…and then quickly returned. The blood couldn’t be drawn because he hadn’t fasted as he was supposed to have done. Oops. As we walked out to the car, we decided that we don’t have time or energy for this so we’d just reschedule. I called while EJ drove home. The first available appointment for a physical is in March. That will work.
Thursday afternoon the surgeon’s office called to set up a consultation appointment on Monday morning. At that appointment, we will make an appointment to put in the port. The receptionist emailed me forms to be filled out before the appointment, and I saw that we have to bring JJ’s CT Scans with us to the appointment. So I called the place where his scans were done and arranged to pick them up on Friday. So it’s just as well that EJ had to cancel his physical.
Yesterday morning I got a call from the Cancer Center to set up an appointment for a Pulmonary Function Test (PFT), which is a group of tests that measure how well the lungs take in and release air and how well they move gases such as oxygen from the atmosphere into the body’s circulation. (I am learning all sorts of new words and procedures these days.) I pointed out that the appointment was after Chemo begins, and I asked if that was a problem. “I’ll have to talk to the doctor and get back to you,” she said. She called back in the afternoon with a new appointment scheduled for this Monday, the same day as our appointment with the surgeon.
The surgeon’s office is in one city, the PFT is at a hospital in another city, and the appointments are only 2 1/2 hours apart. So I called the surgeon’s office to see how long the consultation was expected to take (45-60 mins) and I used Google maps to see how long the trip between cities will take (30 mins) and I think we can make both with no problem. I was proud of my thinking to do this. Hopefully there are no long delays.
When the Cancer Center called yesterday morning, I was also given a phone number so I could make an appointment with the Sperm Bank. There is a risk that Chemo could cause sterility, so many men choose to bank their sperm so they can have children later. The Cancer Center receptionist said that insurance will probably not cover it. I said that I know that she can’t give me specific answers since she doesn’t work for the Sperm Bank, but did she have any general idea of how much this costs? She said there was an initial consultation fee of about $300-$500. She understood that JJ would have to make five “deposits” before Chemo begins, and each would cost about $250, and then there are fees to store the sperm. Ouch.
On the way to pick up the scans, EJ, JJ, and I discussed the various aspects of this: the reality of the expense (in addition to lots of other medical expenses), the future hope of having children, the emotional ramifications of having our family line cease if we decide we can’t do the Sperm Bank, and where faith comes into all this. We decided that we’d set up the initial consultation to find out more information and then decide whether to continue or stop.
I called the Sperm Bank when we got home. I told the receptionist about JJ having testicular cancer and said I know nothing about Sperm Banks. She very kindly told me that she’d answer all my questions. She verified that insurance usually doesn’t cover Sperm Banks because even though a man is doing this because of cancer, the “mean ol’ insurance companies” consider this a choice, not a necessity. She said five deposits are required because each deposit is considered a “try” and a woman doesn’t always get pregnant on the first try. Each deposit must be made at least 48 hours apart. There is an initial consultation fee (I have $500 written down but don’t know if that’s correct), and includes testing for various things. Each deposit is $230, which covers testing and 6 months of storage. After that, each deposit costs $95 a year to store. Yikes. She said that they’d really work with us financially because JJ is on a stringent schedule and can’t wait until we have enough money in hand, and they don’t want to prevent him from having future children because of finances. So I made an appointment for Tuesday morning.
The Sperm Bank is about 1 1/2 hours away and we have to go there five times. This in addition to the PFT test, lab tests, surgeon consultation, port surgery, and who knows what else, all needing to be done before Chemo starts on December 9th. This is a grueling schedule, especially for an introvert who needs quiet to regain energy. We also have to fill out paperwork in preparation for the consultation with the surgeon on Monday. Serious decisions have to be made quickly and there’s not a lot of time to think. In addition, I have to read the info about Chemo and get in my mind what JJ can eat/not eat, and do/not do. I will need to shop for food and other items he will need before we get busy with Chemo. In addition there are all the routine tasks like cooking, cleaning, and laundry. Plus the firewood guy delivered firewood today. Poor Eric has to drive us here and there and still work his normal shift–and often overtime.
All this is why we often feel overloaded with new information and overwhelmed by exhaustion. When a family gets overloaded and overwhelmed, they can get physically stressed. Physical stress can cause emotional stress. I am trying to remind myself that it’s not a lack of faith or hope that causes us to feel as we do. With everything that’s happening, I think we are normal. Well, as normal as we can be.
The woman from the Sperm Bank was awesome. She was extremely compassionate. In addition to answering all my questions, she told me that she knows that when a Mom hears that her child has the dreadful “C word,” there is a surge of anguish. “You’d take your child’s cancer in a heartbeat if you could,” she said. “There is the utter exhaustion from all the appointments and decisions and the stress it causes.” I felt like sobbing because she described it all so accurately. She continued, “But I want to reassure you that of all the types of cancer a person can get, testicular cancer is the one to have because it is very treatable.” She said that Lance Armstrong is sort of their “poster boy” because he had had testicular cancer and it had spread to his brain and lungs. But he beat it. Also, he went on to have four children from sperm that he had banked. She said she had worked at the Sperm Bank for 25 years and she has witnessed many men going on to have children and live full lives. “Your son will beat this cancer and have a very good life,” she encouraged. She also said that she, herself, had battled cancer. She had had both Chemo and Radiation, and she didn’t even vomit. “The drugs they have now to prevent vomiting are awesome,” she said. She said she also had a port put in. She explained a little–but not too much–about the procedure and said she had to have the port in for 18 months but was hardly aware it was there. “There’s no discomfort,” she said. That was a comfort to me because the thought of my son having a port in him horrifies me and makes me feel like vomiting whenever I think of it. At the end of our conversation, I told her that she had greatly encouragement me. “It was such a pleasure to talk to you,” I said.
The people we meet, here and there, who deeply understand what it’s like are a life-line. It reminds me of the time, years ago, after I went through the same sort of difficulties that a friend had suffered. “I always knew you cared,” she said, “but now I know you understand.”
However, I think that the love and compassion of EVERYONE in this journey with us is awesome beyond description. The people who haven’t been through the battles might not “deeply understand,” but I really, honestly, don’t think their love is less. Only the understanding is less. Having “less understanding” isn’t wrong. Sometimes I look back in the past and I’m appalled by my absolute ignorance of what others have had to suffer, and I know there will always be sufferings that I am absolutely ignorant of. But then I remind myself that, really, as far as I know, none of us can truly understand what we haven’t experienced. How can we?
I know lots of people who have had cancer, and I always so very much care, but I had no idea what it’s like to face it, or to be a caregiver, until now. There’s absolutely no way, that I know of, to understand until I suffered it. Even then, I think each cancer journey is different–the treatment, the emotions, the coping skills are all different even when the journey seems similar. I don’t know what it’s like to have a spouse or parent battle cancer. I suspect it might feel different than having a child battle cancer. And I don’t really know what it’s like for another family whose child is battling cancer, only what it’s like for us. I have a friend who is now in her own cancer journey. She is choosing to fight it with natural methods. I have no idea what it’s like to fight it that way. I think it’s expensive and very labor intensive. I don’t really know how to encourage this friend in her battle. I don’t know what she finds encouraging, only what we find encouraging. I do not have the resources, time, or energy, to be there for her as much as I wish right now, but I do my best to let her know that I care and to pray for her. I think “our best” is the best that any of us can do, and “our best” is an awesome gift even though it may not feel as if it’s enough.
I am so thankful for everyone that God is using in our lives right now. You are all AWESOME.
The tablet my friends bought JJ arrived yesterday, and JJ is absolutely astounded by it, and overwhelmed by the love and generosity of the gift. He video-chatted with the friend who orchestrated the gift to thank her. Then she asked if he had headphones for it. No? “Then find headphones on Amazon and send me the link and I will buy them for you so you can listen to your tablet during Chemo and not disturb any others who might be in the same room.” JJ struggled with accepting more because she has already given so much and he didn’t want to feel as if he was taking advantage of her. I told my friend this, and she explained that she feels deeply for hurting friends, and feels helpless to help them, so giving them gifts makes her feel like she’s doing something. Giving to others blesses her. “Ok,” I told JJ. “Do you understand the concept of ‘Paying Forward’?” He said yes. “So someday in the future this dear friend might need your help, or there might be others who need your help. When they do, think of the love and generosity being shown to you now, and pour out love and generosity onto them. Ok?”
Although this journey is difficult, God’s love is everywhere through every person. He is showing us through each of you how much He loves us and is present with us.
A Question of Faith
From a young age, I’ve asked God to please teach me His truth and His ways. I also asked Him to make me Real. For years my family has prayed together that God would “teach us His truth and help us follow Him no matter where He leads us or what it costs us.” Such prayers are what I call “dangerous prayers” because they result in being led out of our safe Hobbit Hole in the Shire and into all sorts of Adventures that change us forever. It’s hard to explain, but the Adventure can be terrifying, and yet also good. Sort of like an Adventure with Doctor Who, which is life-threatening and very scary, but when he invites us for another Adventure we leap at the chance to be with him. We learn that we travel with a Lion who is very good, but not tame. Ok, I am mixing stories, but they all fit.
These days it seems that if a person disagrees with someone’s beliefs, that person is called nasty names like “intolerant” or “hater” but I think that’s totally illogical. Not every belief is true, and there ought to be room for disagreement, dialogue and debate about ideas while also respecting and caring about people. (There is a thought-provoking article about this called When Tolerance is Intolerant.)
I’ve always asked questions, but the trickle of questions have become a flood over the years. I don’t think any of us correctly understands everything, and so I try to honestly ask myself if a belief is true or not, rather than if it lines up to what I already have been taught or believe. It’s challenging to ask and explore questions, twisting a belief this way and that, like a Rubic’s Cube, holding to what I have found is true, letting go of what I have found is not true, seeing that I have more questions than answers, but also accepting that I might never find the answers to many questions. Being willing to ask questions is sort of like letting go of a safe shore where I know everything, and launching out into the vast unknown ocean.
I think there can be a temptation, as a person asks questions and uncovers awesome treasures that he wouldn’t have found if he had not asked, to become frustrated and arrogant about “those ignorant people” who do not seek or find. I remember several years ago, I learned something life-changing, and I was getting frustrated because those around me didn’t live it. A friend said to me, “Tell me: How many years did it take you to learn this truth?” I sort of said, “Mumble, mumble years.” “It took you that many years to learn this,” my friend said, “and yet now that you know it, you expect others to learn it overnight????” I felt brought down a few notches, and rightly so. I now try to keep in mind that we are all different, and we are all in different places, and God deals with us differently, so who am I to say “You should be in the same place as I am at this time?” I believe I am not wise enough to know what God is doing in others’ lives or how they ought to be. I might be further along than some people, but there are thousands and thousands ahead of me, being patient with my ignorance.
I love when Jesus (Yeshua) was telling Peter in John 21 what would happen to him in the future, and Peter pointed to another disciple and asked, “Lord, what about him?” Jesus answered, “If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me.” In other words, stop looking at others and focus on following Yeshua yourself. Aslan in the Chronicles of Narnia often said it this way: That’s his story, not yours.
I wrote all this because I want to share some thoughts and I want you to know that my questions are things that I began to ponder a long time ago, and which I continue to ponder. My questions reflect where I am at, not where anyone else is. If you can learn from them, fine. If they stir up questions in you, maybe you can start exploring them yourself. If not, I’m fine with that too.
So here goes:
Some things I have been taught and believed all my life no longer make sense to me. I think often people–me included–say we believe something, but it seems to me that we live the opposite.
Some of those beliefs are things like: “Waiting for God.” There have been times when I felt most definitely that I should “wait on God,” as in “not move forward until God tells me to.” But I’ve often heard “How can God direct you if you are not moving? We need to put feet on our prayers.” Is this true? When did waiting mean moving? When my son was very young and he ran ahead of me as we walked down the sidewalk, I often shouted, “Wait for me at the corner.” I didn’t mean keep going. I meant stop. Could it be that waiting means waiting to God too? I love Numbers 9:16-23 which describes how God led His people with a pillar of cloud and fire:
That is how it continued to be; the cloud covered it, and at night it looked like fire. Whenever the cloud lifted from above the tent, the Israelites set out; wherever the cloud settled, the Israelites encamped. At the Lord’s command the Israelites set out, and at his command they encamped. As long as the cloud stayed over the tabernacle, they remained in camp.When the cloud remained over the tabernacle a long time, the Israelites obeyed the Lord’s order and did not set out. Sometimes the cloud was over the tabernacle only a few days; at the Lord’s command they would encamp, and then at his command they would set out. Sometimes the cloud stayed only from evening till morning, and when it lifted in the morning, they set out. Whether by day or by night, whenever the cloud lifted, they set out. Whether the cloud stayed over the tabernacle for two days or a month or a year, the Israelites would remain in camp and not set out; but when it lifted, they would set out. At the Lord’s command they encamped, and at the Lord’s command they set out. They obeyed the Lord’s order, in accordance with his command through Moses.
In other words, the Israelites didn’t keep moving if God didn’t move. They kept still. So I think that to God waiting means waiting. Not move. Not go run ahead. Wait. Period.
These are the types of questions I ask myself all the time. Are the things I believe really, really true? Do I live what I say I believe?
Other questions I have relate more closely to suffering.
I Corinthians 1 says: “God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him.” Paul said in 2 Corinthians 12:10 that “when I am weak I am strong.” However, when a person actually reveals weakness, people tell him that he must be strong, so it seems to me that we really don’t believe that when we are weak we are strong, but that when we are weak we are weak and when we are strong we are strong. Myself included.
Many times I have heard people describe how we need to live in brokenness. Do we ever stop to ponder what this means or looks like? Would we appreciate it if we saw it in a person?
I sort of think brokenness might look like being real, as the Skin Horse described it to the Velveteen Rabbit:
“Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”
But, honestly, I think that when we see people whose hair has been loved off, and eyes dropped out, who are loose in the joints and very shabby, we think they are ugly and weak in faith, not beautifully real. So I agree with Larry Crabb, who wrote:
“We often hear that brokenness is the pathway to a deeper relationship with God, but we rarely see it modeled. I sometimes think we want others to believe we know God by demonstrating how unbroken we are.”
Brokenness is the realization that life is too much for us, not just because there is too much pain but also because we’re too selfish. Brokenness is realizing He is all we have…
I often ponder if Real Faith doesn’t look at all like what we expect. For example, I heard all my life about the patience and faith of Job. But have you ever really looked at what he said? He said things like this:
“My sighing serves in place of my food, and my groans pour out in a torrent; for the thing I feared has overwhelmed me, what I dreaded has happened to me. I have no peace, no quiet, no rest; and anguish keeps coming.” Job 3:23-25
“Therefore I will not restrain my mouth but will speak in my anguish of spirit and complain in my bitterness of soul. Am I the sea, or some sea monster, that you put a guard over me? When I think that my bed will comfort me, that my couch will relieve my complaint, then you terrify me with dreams and frighten me with visions. I would rather be strangled; death would be better than these bones of mine. I hate it! I won’t live forever, so leave me alone, for my life means nothing. Job 7:11-16
Even today my complaint is bitter; his hand is heavy in spite of my groaning. If only I knew where to find him; if only I could go to his dwelling! I would state my case before him and fill my mouth with arguments. I would find out what he would answer me, and consider what he would say to me. Job 23:2-5
If I said that to you, would you think I had faith? If you said it, would I believe you had faith? Probably not. Yet, at the end of the book, God said to Job’s friend, “My anger is blazing against you and your two friends, because, unlike my servant Job, you have not spoken rightly about me…My servant Job will pray for you — because him I will accept — so that I won’t punish you as your boorishness deserves; because you have not spoken rightly about me, as my servant Job has.”
Job was real with God. He accused Him, questioned Him, and challenged Him. Yet, God said he spoke rightly about Him while He was angry with his friends who said the religious stuff. Hmmm. It’s something I have pondered.
Several years ago, EJ told me that the best way to lose weight is to start weight-lifting. He said he would teach me. So one day we all went down to the basement where EJ’s weight-lifting equipment is. EJ told me that he’d start me with 10 pounds of weight, and when I could lift 10 pounds easily, he’d put on another 10 pounds, and when I could lift that easily, he would add another 10 pounds, constantly increasing the weight. I pondered then that every time more weight is added, a person will begin to struggle all over again to lift it. It would almost seem as if he has accomplished nothing. Yet, the struggle is over greater and greater weights and the person, despite the struggling at each new step, is actually getting stronger and stronger. I thought that if I went into a gym and saw two people lifting weights, one lifting the weights easily while the other groaned and strained, I might think that the first was stronger than the second. In reality, however, the first person might only be lifting lighter weights that he could easily handle, while the second was straining to lift heavier weights that pushed him beyond his capability so that he could gain greater strength. So who is the stronger?
That helped me understand faith better. Appearances can often be deceiving. Anyone can have strong faith while staying safe in a Hobbit Hole. It takes great faith to run off on an Adventure to fight trolls, dragons, and orcs. Who is braver? The person in the Hobbit Hole or the one fighting dragons? Yes, the person on the Adventure might feel more fear, but he’s also overcoming more fear.
I’m not saying that a person who appears strong is always weaker. Sometimes a person who appears strong IS strong because God has given him strength. However, not everyone who appears strong is strong, and not everyone who appears weak is weak. As I said, appearances can be deceiving.
I don’t know how anyone else’s faith journeys ought to be like, but I know that I have often been pushed beyond my ability to cope. If I remain “strong” during suffering and able to handle it then the problems keep coming and coming and coming until my strength is totally used up and I am crushed. But I have found that when I am pressed beyond my strength into weakness, amazing things happen. I relate so deeply to the following poem because I have found it to be very true in my life:
Pressed beyond measure and pressed to all length;
Pressed so intensely, it seems beyond strength;
Pressed in the body, and pressed in the soul;
Pressed in the mind, till the dark surges roll.
Pressure by foes, and pressure by friends –
Pressure on pressure, till life nearly ends.Pressed into knowing no helper but God;
Pressed into loving the staff and the rod.
Pressed into liberty where nothing clings;
Pressed into faith for impossible things.
Pressed into living a life in the Lord;
Pressed into living a Christlife outpoured.
I don’t mind very much being pressured into weakness because when I am utterly weak, God takes over. Even so, the falling into weakness can be a frightening, messy, ugly thing. It can look so abhorrent to ourselves and others so that we try anything to prevent the fall. But is that what should happen? Maybe weakness is where we should be! When we fall into weakness maybe we fall into strength.
I also find that during suffering, many things rise to the top: a variety of fears, anger, dysfunctions, attitudes, and weaknesses that were hidden from view before. I don’t think this is necessarily bad. Long ago I read Psalms 66:10 which says “For you, God, tested us; you refined us like silver” and it occurred to me that during the refinement process, silver is heated until the impurities float to the top where they are then skimmed off. The impurities might make the silver look awful, but the truth is that they were always there, hidden, and the refinement process merely exposed them so they could be taken away. I think the same sort of thing can happen in suffering. Because impurities rise to the top, it might look as if a person is worse when actually he is being refined. A person can’t deal with things he doesn’t know is there.
I supposed in many ways the refinement process can be like cancer treatment. Ignoring that there is something wrong doesn’t make the bad go away, it just allows it to grow and eventually kill you. But honestly facing that you have cancer means that you face the horror and you pursue healing. The process of healing can be scary, humiliating, painful, and tiring, but a person goes through treatment anyway because he hopes that in the end he will be healed and find life. So at the same time a person hates it all and yet pursues it because of the end result.
So I don’t really fear the process of refinement even though it’s difficult and unpleasant. I’m not going to pretend that it’s not sometimes scary or painful. It is. But even if (or maybe because) I struggle at times, I absolutely trust that God will work all things for my good.
Larry Crabb wrote, “We’re all struggling. Beneath the surface of every personality–even the one that seems most ‘together’–a spiritual battle is raging that will only be won with the help of community….” I have always believed that God wants me to be honest, even if it looks as messy and ugly. In my blog posts, I am merely letting you see the deep struggles and wrestlings of faith. I want to reassure my dear friends that despite what it looks like, I am not falling from God, I am falling towards Him. Into His arms. He and I have a relationship of realness with each other. I tell Him what I think and feel, even the nasty stuff. But I honestly believe that God is absolutely loving and that He is taking me on another wondrously scary Adventure. We’ve got each other’s hearts.
So don’t worry if things look messy with me. I’m where God has me.
He knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold. Job 23:10
I Love To Go A Gardening 