I Love To Go A Gardening
Growing Our Life in Northern Michigan
Michi-Centric
Yesterday I went grocery shopping at our local store. I always feel such a delighted sense of freedom that I have the Xterra to use whenever I want. JJ had driven it to work, school, and his girlfriend’s for the last couple years so I had to plan errands around his busy schedule or I had to wait until EJ’s suburban was free. When EJ is home we like to be together so he usually went with me–we enjoy shopping together–but it helps to get shopping done so we can do other things together.
As soon as I regained use of the Xterra, I bought a GPS for it. I get lost easily so a GPS is a necessity. EJ has one for his suburban–not because he needs it for directions, but because the speedometer doesn’t work and the GPS displays the speed. We named his GPS VIKI after the murderous computer in the movie I, Robot. I thought and thought about what to name my GPS. If it had a male voice, I would have named it HAL after the murderous computer in 2001: A Space Odyssey. Actually, I wanted to name it Dave so I could quote, “I’m sorry, Dave, I’m afraid I can’t do that” whenever I wanted to ignore the directions. However, EJ said that I had to name it after the computer and not the human. But that’s all a moot point because my GPS’ voice is female. I finally named it Ziva after the Israeli agent in NCIS. The name is interesting and I liked the character in the series. Plus, I don’t think Ziva ever got lost. Last weekend EJ attached Ziva to the dashboard where I wanted it–accessible, but out of the way.
Anyway, back to grocery shopping. In addition to the regular items on our list, I bought us some Moomer’s Ice Cream, which is made by a small family-owned creamery near Traverse City. I think it’s the best ice cream on the planet. They make 160 heavenly flavors. This time I chose Raspberry White Chocolate for me and Mocha Almond Fudge for EJ. If you ever get to Traverse City, you must try Moomer’s Ice Cream.
EJ has been wanting to get some pure Michigan maple syrup, so I bought us a bottle as another special treat. This maple syrup is made in Charlevoix, a charming town in Northern Michigan. The description on the back of the bottle says: “The Parsons family has been making pure maple syrup on the shores of Harwood Lake since the late 1800’s. Gathering sap from the same sugar maple trees as our ancestors, we’re still making it today after five generations on the Parson’s farm.”
EJ says that I am “Michi-centric” and I agree that I am totally Michi-centric. I was born, raised, and lived all my life in Michigan, as was EJ. I love Michigan’s beauty and uniqueness, and I have no desire to live elsewhere. We lived downstate until 2015 when we moved north. Northern Michigan is where both our hearts have always been. By the way, we bought the sign at the top of this post from Michigan in Metal. They have beautiful metal art, and I always drool when I browse through their site.
Today the US National Weather Service says our chance of rain has risen from 30% to 60% tonight and tomorrow. I really hope we get rain because it is so dry here. Our county and surrounding areas have issued “Red Flag Warnings,” which means there is very high fire danger.
We never really had to worry about forest fires downstate. All of Michigan has trees. I am always surprised when we return to Michigan from out-of-state to see just how many trees we have compared to other states. I usually exclaim, “Dang! Michigan is a forest!” But there is more farmland than forest downstate and worrying about forest fires never really entered my mind. I don’t ever remember any big fires in Michigan like they have out west but it’s more of a concern now that we live in Northern Michigan, which is mostly forest. Some people don’t like Michigan because of all its trees and the clouds. We have many cloudy days because of moisture from the Great Lakes. But I have always, always loved trees, and I think clouds are interesting.
I’ve been cleaning the house today because we are expecting a guest. Every few months, EJ’s long-time friend TH stops by. He lives almost in a straight line across from us on the Lake Huron side of the state. He usually spends the night and then drives down to visit his daughter’s family, who lives in the area we used to live. I know that he probably wouldn’t care–or even notice–if the house is extra clean, but I care and notice. This time he can sleep in JJ’s old bed instead of the couch. I’ve washed the sheets, made sure his bathroom is sparkling, vacuumed, etc. Yesterday I made potato salad to eat with hot dogs. I never know when EJ will get home from work, and since TH will be eating with us, I wanted something to heat up last minute so nothing gets cold or overdone.
I walked Hannah to the mailbox with me, as usual. Apparently she was really enjoying this beautiful Spring day because she started rolling in the grass. I was able to get a partial video. I had to cut it off at the end because she started racing full speed to the end of her leash. My injured hand is doing really well, but it still doesn’t have the strength it once did so I had to grip her leash with both hands so she wouldn’t get away from me. She is such a delightfully funny dog.
Tomorrow morning I am going to try to wake up early to watch the royal wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. EJ asked, “Why do you want to watch the wedding?” I replied, as I always do, “Because it’s history.” When I was growing up, my parents always took us on vacation to historical places. Mom made us sit in front of the tv to watch things like President Nixon resign “because it’s history.” So I gained a love of history, and I like to watch things that are historic. That way, I can say, “I saw that when it was happening…because it’s history!” I watched Prince William and Kate’s wedding and now I’m determined to watch Harry and Meghan’s wedding. EJ isn’t interested in royal weddings, but he watches them with me so I have someone to share the experience with.
Are any of you going to watch the wedding?
Madeline’s Tactics
Yesterday I felt very unmotivated. I had trouble getting started. I eventually did get a few things done. Today I was more motivated.
Our grass is getting long enough to mow. I knew it was going to get hot later–reaching 80 degrees–so I went out early to mow the lawn while it was still blissfully cool. Southern Michigan is getting many days of rain, but our skies here in the North have been sunny and our weather dry. In fact, it’s a bit too dry here. We have very high fire danger.
I got the lawn mower out of the garage, and tried to pull start it. Nothing. I pulled again and again. Nothing. I hissed, “Start, dang it, you stupid piece of crap, or I will take you to the junk yard!” I don’t usually get nasty with machinery (or anyone), but lawn mowers and I have had a very hostile relationship for many years. I can never get them started. I think they deliberately refuse to start just to annoy and frustrate me. I texted EJ and he replied that he usually cleans the spark plug first thing in the Spring. I hope he can do it this weekend. I don’t want to let the grass get too long because, you know, ticks.
Since I couldn’t mow the lawn this morning, I did laundry and hung the clothes to dry on the clothesline. I really enjoy this task. I enjoy the peaceful beauty around me as I hang up the clothes.
We just bought a 100 foot garden hose for the front yard a couple of weeks ago. It reaches to the apple trees, but not the cherry trees across the driveway, so I lugged a few kitty litter buckets of water to them. I didn’t feel like pulling out the hose, so I filled the bucket again and took it to the new apple trees.
I also spent an hour or so organizing EJ’s garage. I don’t know where he wants a lot of the items, so I mostly just bagged stuff that I knew needed to be thrown away. I also moved the section of lockers to where he had said he wanted them. I actually was able to make some good progress.
There was a small vacuum cleaner in the garage. We don’t need it. It actually isn’t adequate for our house of pets–I think we bought it for the RV, which we sold when JJ was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago. I put it in the Xterra to donate at Goodwill. I also went to the pantry and dragged out a couple of boxes to donate. We had thought to sell them, but people are selling books for one cent (plus shipping) at Amazon so selling them isn’t worth the effort. We have multiple boxes of books that we no longer want–JJ’s old school books, duplicates, and so forth. We take one or two boxes at a time.
By this time, the day had heated up and I was tired, so I took it easy until it was time to fix supper. I made Ohm Rice, which is a simple meal that my Korean sister-in-law taught my family how to make years ago. I brown ground beef, put in grated carrots until they are cooked, then put it on top of rice. I make a simple egg omelet to put on top of the mixture and squirt ketchup on it. EJ puts salsa on his omelet. I used three eggs each (instead of two) for a thicker omelet tonight because we have a surplus of eggs from our chickens. The meal is very yummy.
A few days ago I put chicken fencing around the posts to prevent Miss Madeline Meadows from getting to the birdhouses. At first I put the fencing at the bottom, but I watched her leap above it and climb the post. I shouted her away, and then I loosely fastened the fencing at the top of the post, making it swirl, to prevent her from climbing on or under it. This evening we watched Madeline sit on the big rock and study the new configuration for a minute or two:
Then she walked all the way around the post and stood up to examine it more closely.
Suddenly, she climbed the post, going UNDER the fencing.
When she reached the top and started going for the birdhouse, which I believe has chickadees in it–if she hasn’t scared them off–I ran out and scared her away. Then I tried to reconfigure the fencing to thwart her next attempt. I wired closed the top of the fencing so if she does get underneath it, she won’t be able to go any further. That’s the plan anyway. It wouldn’t surprise me if Madeline figured out how to get past my security measures. She’s very intelligent and kind of scary.
The other day I saw a Rose-breasted Grosbeak up near the house! It didn’t stay long and I haven’t seen it since, but it was a treat to see it. This evening Ej and I saw a hummingbird outside the window. We never get tired of the birds.
Before he went to bed, EJ said that he read that there could be “massive northern lights” tonight. I might try to stay up for awhile to see them–if I can stay awake.
EJ’s Mother’s Day Gift (And Mine)
I didn’t get around to posting yesterday, but I hope that the mothers had a wonderful Mother’s Day. I am aware that Mother’s Day is very difficult for many women, so I especially want them to know that I was thinking of them yesterday.
Mother’s Day is one of my least favorite days. because I don’t have a good relationship with my Mom and my first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage just before Mother’s Day. While I understand the idea of honoring older Mom’s, it seems to me that it’s the Moms with younger children who could really use a day off and some pampering. If given the opportunity, I will babysit grandchildren on Mother’s Day so that the young Mom could get away for some relaxing time. That’s just my opinion.
At the end of last week, EJ bought five fruit trees–three cherry trees and two apple trees–because they were 30% off at our local nursery. I joked that they were his Mother’s Day gift. The morning-glory plant I bought got killed by three days of frost so EJ bought me another morning-glory. We waited until the frost warnings ended before we planted anything. Hopefully we won’t get any more frost, although we read that there is always a risk of frost in our area until the end of May.
Usually we try to have restful days on Saturdays, but EJ had to get the fruit trees planted and I had to plant my morning-glory before they died. EJ planted his apple trees with the others near the big rocks, and the cherry trees across the driveway not far from the large park bench. I planted my morning-glory near the deck.
We saw Miss Madeline Meadows climbing the post and trying to look into the blue birdhouse, so while EJ was planting his trees, I put chicken wire fencing around all the birdhouse posts to try to keep birds safe from her. She has gotten so bloodthirsty that I am contemplating re-homing her. We really like her, but it’s really bothering me to keep finding dead bodies of beautiful critters. I also put fencing around the deck for the morning-glories to climb and also to keep Hannah Joy from trampling them. I can’t wait until the morning-glories start climbing the fencing, making a flowery hedge around the deck.
I couldn’t find my pedestal birdbath so I ordered one from Amazon. I ordered a hanging birdbath to try to keep Madeline from ambushing unsuspecting birds. It arrived on Friday, and I hung it on the post with the blue birdhouse, thinking Madeline wouldn’t be able to reach it, especially since the post has thorny roses climbing up it. But, of course, Madeline did climb the post. Grrrr.
Sunday I transplanted another wheelbarrow full of lilies along the driveway. I also scattered more wildflower seeds. The day was sunny and warm and the work made me overheated so I took frequent breaks in the house with the fan turned on me. The temperature did not reach 70 degrees and I thought, “Oh, boy, if this weather feels too hot, I’m totally not going to survive the warmer summer temperatures.” Sometimes I suspect that I must have snowman DNA because warm days make me melt. EJ said that many of his co-workers who were born and raised in this area begin complaining that it’s too hot when the temperature hits 70 degrees so I guess I’m where I really belong. EJ promised that if we ever move again, it will be north and not south.
There is some sort of tiny insects that keep swarming us when we go outside. For lack of identification, we’ve been calling them “gnats” but I think they are actually a little bigger than gnats. Whatever they are, they are very annoying. Warm weather would be much more pleasant without insects.
I hear that downstate is getting a lot of rain, but we have only a tiny chance (20-30%) of rain tonight and then no rain until the weekend. So this morning I filled the wheelbarrow with old straw that I had raked out of the coop (which was still moist from the last snow/rain we had) and I covered the wildflower seeds along the driveway with it to hold in the moisture, which is what the nursery lady suggested I do when I bought wildflower seed last year. The land in our area is primarily sand, which doesn’t retain moisture. Sometimes when I work in the yard, I can’t help humming the children’s song I learned years ago in Sunday School
The foolish man built his house upon the sand,
The foolish man built his house upon the sand,
The foolish man built his house upon the sand,
And the rains came tumbling down.
The rains came down and the floods came up,
The rains came down and the floods came up,
The rains came down and the floods came up,
And the house on the sand fell flat…
Hopefully, our house built on a sandy hill won’t ever come tumbling down. At least, living on a hill, we won’t ever have to worry about flooding.
This morning I finally got out my favorite cheerful yellow chicken work shoes that I wear in the summer when I do my poultry chores. I shook them, sprayed them with spider spray, and then shook them again just in case spiders had moved in over the winter. I kept imagining wolf spiders, brown recluses, black widows–or, really, any type of spider–in my shoes and I didn’t want to stick my feet in them until I was absolutely sure they were spiderless. You can’t be too careful. I wasn’t sure if it would be healthy to wear shoes that had been drenched with toxic spider spray so after giving time for any spiders in the shoes to all die, I took the shoes outside and sprayed them with the hose. Then I hung them on posts in the sun to dry. I think they will now be safe to wear…unless spiders moved in while the shoes were hanging on the posts.
Trees and Captain AmeROOca
I am drinking hot coffee on a chilly, rainy morning as I begin writing today’s post. I like rainy days. They feel cozily soporific.
In late March/early April our county and several others sold trees for a pittance. I really, really wanted to buy some, but early Spring is an expensive time for us with EJ and JJ’s birthdays, our vehicle registrations due, and tax day approaching. This year we also got the HHR repaired for JJ. So….no money for trees. Boo hoo! But one of EJ’s co-workers was selling evergreens this week. I’m not sure why he had evergreens to sell. Maybe he was involved in the county sale? Maybe he bought too many from the county? Whatever, he sold his surplus of nine trees to EJ for 80 cents each. EJ brought them home on Tuesday and after supper we went out and planted them on the far side of the hill where they will block our view of our neighbors-on-the-other-hill when they grow tall. We don’t dislike our neighbors. They go to Florida in the winter so we only see them for a few months anyway. We just would prefer to look at nature instead of a house. The evergreens will also provide habitat for wild critters.
EJ dug the holes and I planted the trees. We took Hannah outside with us while we worked. I attached her leash to the nearest t-post. When she saw EJ digging holes, she started to dig too, but I stopped her with an anguished “Nooooo!” because she was digging along the driveway where I have been building rock dams and planting lilies and wildflowers to stop erosion. The next day I dug up a lily and put it in the hole she had dug. Perfect!
Yesterday I surveyed our tiny forest and flashed back to memories of walking through evergreen forests so silent and peaceful that they make me think of the word “sanctuary.” I’ve always wanted to have a sitting place in the middle of an evergreen grove where I can absorb the quiet and pray–sort of a natural chapel. I’ve been very tempted to re-locate our new trees into an incomplete circle with space in the middle for a bench. I don’t want to traumatize the newly planted trees but now is the time to plan ahead…If I want a quiet sanctuary later, I have to plant it now. Well, I will wait until it stops raining.
Fruit trees are 30% off at our local plant nursery until Mother’s Day. While I love evergreens, EJ has been working on mini-orchards. For the last couple years he has been planting apple trees. Now he wants to begin planting cherry trees. He hopes to buy a few, but we are going to wait until Friday or Saturday to buy them because tonight the temperatures will plunge down into the low 30s and we are expecting heavy frost. We don’t want to risk killing the trees before they have a chance to get started.
Sometimes I think that it’s kind of funny to plant more trees when we already live in a forest. It’s sort of like “bringing coal to Newcastle” or “selling snow to Eskimos” as the sayings go. But evergreens are for soothing silence and fruit trees are for delicious enjoyment.
Last year I sowed four pounds of wildflower seeds along the driveway among the lilies. Yesterday morning I planted four more pounds of wildflower seeds along the driveway. Since there is no such thing as too many wildflowers, I drove to the plant nursery and bought two more two-pound bags of wildflower seeds, which I will plant soon. I want a riot of colorful beauty leading up to the house. Plus….erosion control.
At the plant nursery, I also bought a morning-glory plant. I have planted some morning-glory seeds, and there are some seedlings growing from last year, but I wanted to make absolutely sure I’d have morning glories. I planted the morning-glory next to the bird feeder pole. I also strung twine from post to post so the morning-glory(s) will grow up to form a living hedge around the deck.
We have several computer disks that are obsolete. They are installation disks from computer stuff we no longer have, and other such things. I used leftover twine to hang the disks from the apple trees. I’m hoping they will scare the critters away from the trees. The deer munched on our apple trees during the winter.
I found a…I guess you’d call it a “wind sock” in the pantry. I forgot we had it and I don’t remember where we got it. It is colorful and has ladybugs on it. I dragged the ladder to one of the tall wooden posts in the duck pen and fastened the wind sock to it. It might scare predators away from our garden and ducks–although actually the crows keep the flying predators away. At the very least it will tell us which way the wind is blowing. Plus, it’s quite cheerful waving in the wind.
It began to rain late yesterday afternoon. It rained and rained. The ducks love the rain and were out playing happily in the puddles. It’s impossible to herd the chickens into the coop before they are ready, but I thought the gloom would drive them into the coop early. I saw on radar that we would soon get heavier rain and possibly thunder, and I was anticipating getting my evening chores done early and snuggling into my chair in my pjs, so I went out early to shut them in for the night. I did a head count: one, two, three….there were seven chickens in the coop. One rooster was missing. I was surprised he wasn’t in there because it was pouring rain. So I went out of the coop and around to their pen and I found Captain AmeROOca in the plastic dog kennel. I kind of tipped it up, but he didn’t come out, so with a sigh I trudged back into the house, utterly soaked with rain dripping from my hair. I felt like a wet hen.
I waited a few more minutes until the sky had darkened further and then I put on my soaked chore coat and went back out. One, two, three…seven chickens were in the coop. I went around to the pen and Captain AmeROOca was still standing in the kennel. I gently nudged him out with the cane that I call my “rooster whacker.” I don’t really whack roosters with it. I actually use my cane like a shepherd’s staff. The rooster wanted in the coop, but refused to go in. I peered through their little door and saw the feet of Sassy, our alpha rooster, standing just inside. Captain AmeROOca must have been banished to the doghouse–both literally and figuratively–for some offense. Maybe he had seduced one of Sassy’s harem? He didn’t want to go in with Sassy right there. Several of the chickens in the coop saw me and came out of the coop. Sassy was one of them. With Sassy out of the way, Captain AmeROOca quickly went into the coop and hopped up on the perch. I walked around into the coop and the rest of the chickens came inside and I quickly shut them in.
The ducks were still outside playing in the puddles. They are easy to get in the coop. All I have to do is call, “Time for bed!” and they start marching into the coop. Even so, some of the ducks tried to made a break for it before going into the coop. They didn’t want to stop playing. I finally got all the poultry in the coop–but not much earlier than usual. I walked back into the house dripping wet.
Yesterday afternoon I found a dead cardinal in the garage. I was horrified and felt my heart break into tiny pieces. Miss Madeline Meadows’ bloodthirstiness is becoming a problem. I wish she’d stick to mice and shrews and leave the beautiful other critters alone. I wish she’d stop bringing her kills into the garage for me to see. She looks sweet, but she is a scary serial killer cat.
I’ve been struggling with abusive wounds. I felt that either I would be utterly destroyed by abuse or I would rise from it stronger and knowing who I am, not letting others define me–there was no middle ground. Last night I received a FB message from a friend who insisted that abusers CHOOSE to abuse. She said that she was angry that I was abused, and that she would listen to me if I needed to talk, that she had my back, and would do battle for me. She was like Wonder Woman! Her letter was so beautifully supportive that I cried when I read it. And I was strengthened and no longer feel as if I will be destroyed. Most abuse victims are not heard, believed, or supported so when someone IS there, it’s extremely healing and strengthening.
Life is good.
Lilies and Life
On Sunday EJ and I went to TSC so he could buy some work boots. His old ones were too worn. While we were there, I bought a box of 32 cans of cat food, another bale of straw, some poultry feed, and some cracked corn for the chickens. I’ve been giving them a scoop at night and when they see me coming to do my evening chores, they all come running in for their treat, which makes it easier to get them all shut up in the coop. I told EJ that I had to buy the corn because I didn’t want to see the disappointed accusations in their eyes if I ran out. I’m easily guilted by animals.
We also bought a 100 foot garden hose for the front of the house from TSC. Then we headed to Joanne Fabrics because I needed some paint pens. We stopped at Meijers, a regional store somewhat similar to Walmart for a couple items. We were going to stop at the local plant nursery, but decided to skip it for now.
Monday, I dragged the TSC poultry supplies out of the back of the Xterra and scooped the feed and cracked corn into the kitty litter buckets. The buckets keep the feed safe from rodents and are easier to lug into the coop. We use empty kitty litter buckets for everything.
Yesterday the weather was nice enough that I hung the clothes out on the clothesline for the first time this year. I have to lug the baskets across the driveway and up hill, but it’s always so peaceful hanging the clothes. I listen to the birds sing in the forest and watch them fly from perch to perch.
Today the weather was forecast to be warmer than yesterday–up into the high 70s, although my thermometer says that it’s in the low 80s. While it was still morning cool, I walked down the driveway and repainted the numbers on my address sign. Many of the wooden letters I had used hadn’t survived the winter, but the numbers were still outlined so I just colored them in directly on the board with the paint pen. I will probably repaint it several times.
Then I spent an hour or two digging up lilies from around the big rocks and replanting them on both sides of the driveway. Our cat Josette helped me for a while; she loves accompanying us when we do chores. Last year I had transplanted many of the lilies to the driveway, but there are so many lilies spreading around the big rocks that I am continuing the job. It’s not easy digging up the lilies; I have to do it in the spring while they are still small. In a day or two, I will sow the wildflower seeds I bought at TSC along the driveway as well. Not only will the wildflowers and lilies look beautiful, but they help hold the soil so it doesn’t erode into deep gullies when the rain rushes down the hill. When we first moved here, there were deep gullies along and across the driveway. We hand-shoveled 90 tons of gravel and soil into the gullies, and I built rock dams to stop the water carrying it all away. The plants are the next stage of my erosion control…and it is actually all working.
Of course, deer consider lilies a yummy delicacy so they eat them. But I’m hoping the lilies will spread and the deer won’t be able to eat them all.
I took Hannah down the driveway with me while I worked because she gets into trouble in the house. She obeys me when I’m watching her (mostly), but when we are out of sight she goes through the pet door into the entrance hall, gets into the pantry, and eats the cats’ food. I have tried various methods to make the food dish inaccessible to Hannah and accessible to the cats, some of whom are older, but Hannah is clever and determined. I tell her that when her vet reprimands us because she’s gaining weight, I’m going to tell the vet that we measure out exactly the amount of food Hannah is supposed to have (a cup twice a day), but Hannah steals the cats’ food–and any other thing she can find to eat.
Yesterday when I had Hannah in the house while I worked outside a little, I came back to find that she had poked her head through the storm door in the living room. It was a little ripped from the previous owners, but she totally push her head through. Fortunately it wasn’t open that far so she couldn’t get out–although the cats could have escaped (but didn’t). So now we have to keep the big door closed until we can get the screen fixed. I’m not sure when that will happen–we have other projects we want to work at this summer.
Hannah is very stubborn, but also smart and very cute. Whenever EJ kisses me–when he leaves for work or arrives home, or a goodnight kiss when he heads to bed–Hannah rushes up for a kiss too. I took this video the other night when EJ kissed me goodnight. Hannah came running with a bark to get her lovings. Although the lights were on in the house, the video is a little dark, but you can still see her running up.
I slid the handle of Hannah’s retractable leash over the t-posts so she could roam a bit without running free while I worked today. She found a tennis ball in the weeds and played with that for a while, chasing it when it rolled down the driveway.
By the time I had planted all the lilies in my wheelbarrow, I was sweating with the heat. I trudged back up the driveway and put away the wheelbarrow and shovel. I have to laugh because I have a friend who lives in southern Texas. Sometimes she said, “Brrrr! It’s really cold today! I had to wear a jacket.” And I say, “Whew, it’s super hot here in Michigan.” We ask each other what the temperature is where the other one is. She says, “It’s 85 degrees. Brrrr!” I say, “It’s 76 here! I’m melting!”
With the warmer weather (but cold for Texas), I can see a smudge of green on the trees as their leaves start to unfold. I’m quite sure there is more green this afternoon than there was even this morning. Spring has sprung! But the low is expected to plunged down to 32 degrees Thursday night so I haven’t yet taken my house plants out on the deck for the summer, and I haven’t yet uncovered my garden.
After the inactivity of this winter, I find that I tire easily. When I need to take a break, I sit in my chair by the window drinking ice tea and watching the chickadees bringing grass and moss into the birdhouse just outside.
I took a video of the Pileated Woodpeckers’ damage to our trees. They really shred the trees, although their holes do provide homes for other birds and critters. Here is a video I took of some of the trees:
I am pleased that I can do all this hard work. There is still a little bruising and my fingers are still stiff but I’m still doing my hand exercises every day and I can do more with less discomfort. My hand is healing and strengthening! Yay! I can even crochet, although because of my stiff fingers working with the smaller crochet cotton is more difficult than regular worsted weight. Still…I’m getting there.
I’m focusing on the peace and delights in our Enchanted Forest to balance the deep sadness in my heart. On the one hand, I think that EJ and I can no longer endure being insulted and having our boundaries–which are just basic politeness and consideration–ignored. EJ and I have endured so many abusive family relationships that have battered us. We need peace and healing. On the other hand, we didn’t want the relationship to fall apart. We deeply love the person and preferred that he/she had chosen to cease the insults rather than stay away. We never wanted no relationship at all. I wish I was a person who could easily shrug things like this off, but I always struggle. Loss of relationship always feels like death to me. I keep thinking: Did we do the right thing in setting this boundary? When we repeatedly tell someone to stop and they don’t, what else can we do? How could we have endured the way things were? We couldn’t. How can we endure the way things are now? We can’t. Sometimes there is no winning.
Life is tough.
But Spring eventually follows Winter.
Right?
May Days…and Nights
During the week, I get up when EJ does. While he gets ready for work, I feed Hannah, who gobbles down her food in a flash. Then I take her outside to “do her business.” After that, I feed in the inside cats and continue into the garage to feed the outside cats. I go through the garage back door to care for the ducks and chickens, which involves filling the drinking buckets and the duck pool, opening the small duck and chicken doors, and making sure they all have food.
Thursday morning I fed Hannah and took her outside as usual. As we stepped back on the porch to go into the house, I spotted a HUGE wolf spider at the corner of the door. It was not as big as Shelob, the monster I discovered in our back yard last summer, but it was still very big. I obviously had walked over it on my way outside with Hannah [shudder], but I was not going to walk over it now that I knew it was there. If I opened the door, it could easily drop into the house. I pulled Hannah over to the deck and I knocked on the door opening into the living room. I had neglected to take my keys with me. EJ let me in, and I explained about the HUGE wolf spider. He did not appreciate the horror of it. I grabbed my can of Raid spider killer, which was almost empty, and sprayed and sprayed it until it was dead.
Later in the day I went to get groceries at our local grocery store. I made sure to find the aisle of death where all the creepy crawly sprays are. I was horrified that there was no spider spray on the shelf, but fortunately an employee was filling empty shelves with new supplies and she had a box full of spider spray. Whew. I also bought a can of ant spray because sometimes ants get the house. I told the employee that NOW I am ready for warm weather!
I have been noticing that our male duck, Cuddles, doesn’t seem to be acting like his old self. He had really loved Esther, so I wonder if he is still grieving her death a month or so ago. We got Esther from EJ’s sister. She was an older duck who was lame. I’m sure she died of old age. Once we brought her home, Cuddles had eyes only for her and spent all his time with her. Now he’s just kind of hanging out by himself and isn’t interested in the other females.
Yesterday was quite raining. Rainy days make me feel cozy and unmotivated. It didn’t help that I hadn’t slept well the night before so I was very tired. I did finally get myself going and got a few things done.
I haven’t seen the bluebirds in a couple of days, so I think they moved out of the birdhouse. I suspect that maybe the common grackles I saw in the area might have chased them out? I’m sorry the bluebirds aren’t there, but we still have chickadees in the birdhouse near the deck.
Today, Saturday, EJ and I had a quiet, restful day. We walked down to the mailbox with Hannah and then took a detour through the forest. EJ was hoping to find some morel mushrooms. He didn’t see any, but we did see some yellow trout lilies. I don’t know why they are called trout lilies, but they are very pretty. They are growing all through our forest. Later I found some Dutchman’s Breeches. I think it’s the first time I’ve ever seen them outside of a photo so I was really excited. I knew immediately what they were because they look just like breeches.
The weather was so beautiful that EJ and I decided to have a campfire–our first this year. EJ found branches and built the fire while I made popcorn. We sat and talked around the warm fire while the night grew dark and the air grew chilly. There were billions of stars glittering in the sky. Some shone through the branches of the trees like Christmas tree lights. EJ saw several meteorites, but I always seemed to be looking the wrong way. Our cat Josette and stayed with us until our fire died and we went into the house.
Death & Destruction
Yesterday the temperature climbed all the way up into the low 80s! That was nice, although a wee bit too hot. I wouldn’t mind a balance between frigid cold and sweltering hot. I saw a few tiny spots of snow yesterday afternoon. It’s all gone today.
Today is a bit cooler with a high of 67 degrees. It stormed overnight. I didn’t hear the thunder, but EJ did. He saw that Hannah was a bit nervous so he slept the rest of the night in his chair with her on his lap.
With the warmer temps, Spring is springing. The lilac bushes are budding almost over night, and I’ve seen crocuses and daffodils in blossom. I often see the bluebirds at one of the birdhouses near the big rocks so they definitely have moved in. Their bright colors always fills me with delight and I’m thrilled that I get to watch them. I think that chickadees have moved into the birdhouse near the deck–just outside my window. Although Miss Madeline Meadows stood at the bottom of the posts chittering at them–I scared her away. I didn’t see the chickadees for a while after that and I wasn’t sure whether to be sad if they didn’t nest in the birdhouse or relieved that they might find someplace safer. They did return though. I really think Madeline is exceeding the parameters of her job and I might have to put a reprimand in her permanent file.
This is the first time since we’ve moved here that the birds have been interested in the birdhouses. I think it’s thrilling and delightful.
Yesterday morning I cleaned out the poultry coop. In previous winters I raked out the soiled straw through the winter, but this year I couldn’t do it with my fractured risk–and EJ was busy, tired, and in pain to do more than feed, water, and collect eggs. So cleaning out the winter’s accumulation was a very difficult, sweaty job. I stuck to it and with a shovel, potato fork (using it like a pitchfork), and rake I got it done, and now it looks really nice.
This morning when I went out to let ducks and chickens out of the coop, I found Butterfly dead in the straw. It made me sad. She was my second favorite hen. She always had a lot of gossip to tell me. All the other chickens were silent and huddled together at the top of their perch. I checked to make sure there was no predator lurking in the coop but I didn’t see any. I asked EJ if chickens grieved when one of the flock died, and he replied, “Of course they do.” I didn’t see any obvious cause of death. EJ wondered if she might have gotten startled by a crash of thunder or something. Poor thing. 😥
When I got back into the house after finishing my morning chores, EJ told me that he had read on Facebook that there was an explosion and massive fire at the magnesium company he had worked at for 17 years downstate. I’m glad he no longer works there. Magnesium is very explosive and over the years there has been quite a few explosions and fires but none like this, of course. The company is one of the biggest magnesium plants in the world. It makes parts for many automakers, including Ford, GM, BMW, Fiat and Daimler Chrysler. The fire could lead to an adverse affect on the auto industry and Michigan’s economy.
Fortunately, there were no serious injuries or deaths from the explosion.
Open Windows
Weather in Michigan is a big thing. Maybe because it changes so much. I heard that the week of the last snowstorm we got, we had every possible type of weather except hurricanes–sun/warmth, cold, snow, sleet, rain, wind….This last weekend, the overnight lows dipped down into the low 20s. The water froze in my garden hose and when I turned on the faucet to fill the duck pool, it pushed out ice cubes. But today it is 72 degrees. Whoo hoo! As soon the temperature rose to the high 60s, I opened the windows. Tomorrow the high is supposed to be near 80! EJ said that will be too hot. LOL.
Our local National Weather Service posted a high fire danger warning for our area. That makes no sense to me. How can we go from 40 inches of snow this month to “it’s so dry there is fire danger”?
With the snow mostly gone–although, amazingly, I still see a few small piles of snow–I’ve been walking Hannah down to the mailbox, which I haven’t done much since I broke my arm. I’m teaching Hannah the Hebrew word for “with me” to teach her to walk with me. It makes me laugh when she walks with me before I command her to. I know she’s doing it because she walks right next to me with her eyes on my face, hoping for her treat. She’s very food motivated.
Last Thursday I walked Hannah down to get the mail. Our cat Josette walked down with us. She’s such a sweetheart–very friendly. She loves to accompany us when we take care of the ducks and chickens.
I was dismayed to find a jury summons in the mailbox–my second in the three years we’ve lived here. I am not surprised to get frequent jury summons because there are less than 20,000 people living in our whole county. That’s not a large pool to draw from. However, I think it’s terribly unfair that EJ has not yet received any summons. In fact, in his whole life, he has only gotten a summons ONE TIME–and he was excused because he had already moved north. Me? I have probably received close to a dozen summons in my life. I haven’t yet had to serve as juror, but I’m sure sooner or later I will. At least I know have my own vehicle so I don’t have to worry about transportation.
Thursday afternoon my shelves were delivered. I put them together with Hannah’s help. She sat next to me…and ate plastic pieces from the box. The first time I saw her eating something…I gasped in dismay. The second time, I pried open her jaws…which wasn’t easy. Then I realized she was only eating the spacers used to separate and protect the shelves during shipping. I tried to keep the pieces safe from her but she almost got a fastener I needed. At last, however, even with Hannah’s distraction, I got the shelves together and in the closet in our library.
The next day I happily organized my craft closet. It looks really nice with the two shelving units in it.
My broken wrist is feeling better so I am going to begin trying to crochet again. I’m not sure I can crochet for long periods of time, but I’ll at least give it a try–and I’m quite sure the crocheting movements will help exercise my wrist and strengthen it.
Saturday EJ and I had an enjoyably quiet, peaceful day. Sunday I cleaned the house while he did a bit of maintenance on the vehicles.
I’ve seen the bluebirds back at the birdhouses a few times. I was hoping that they had decided to move in but in this video it looks as if they are taking nest material out of the birdhouse to use elsewhere. Oh, well, just knowing that there are bluebirds in our forest fills me with happiness.
Who I Am
I used to watch a TV series called NCIS. I haven’t watched it in a long time. I stopped watching when Ziva left. In the series, Special Agent Leroy Gibbs had a list of rules that he lived by. They were rules like “Always wear gloves at a crime scene” or “Don’t believe what you are told. Always double-check.”
I also have rules that I try to live by. Well, I call them principles. They are:
- Be kind to people. Life is difficult and people suffer enough without deliberately hurting them.
- People have the right to make decisions for themselves and their immediate families, whether or not others agree with them, but they don’t have the right to make decisions for others. I think too often people try to make their own personal preferences binding on others.
- People shouldn’t demand from others what they are unwilling to give. So, for example, if you want people to respect your boundaries, you ought to respect theirs. If you want people to take care of items they borrowed from you, you ought to take care of items you borrow.
- I am not offended if people don’t ask for my advice. If they do ask for my advice, I tell them what I did in a similar situation and why, or I give them principles that I think might be applicable. However, I think they should have the freedom to decide whether to take or reject the advice. I believe that no two situations are identical, and the people involved are different, so the dynamics are different. If a person is helped by what I say, great, but they have to decide if the advice works for them in their situation.
- I try to be flexible. Sometimes a person has to cancel a scheduled event because something unexpected happens. I’ve heard that some people get angry when a plan is canceled. I can’t image why angry. Life happens. My best friend and I always cancel on each other–because we don’t feel well, we didn’t sleep the night before, we had an unexpected problem. We always say, “No problem.” Life happens.
- I think we should repent when we screw up, and that we should forgive those who repent when they screw up. I used to believe that we should forgive people whether they repented or not, but then I painfully learned that relationships are impossible with such people–and the Bible teaches that we are to forgive those who REPENT, and stay away from arrogant, evil people. I could say a lot about this topic but…moving on.
So these are some of my life principles, I could list others, but basically they boil down to I try to “do unto others as I would have them do unto me,” and not do unto others what I would hate to have done to me.
I used to think that if we treated people with kindness, compassion, respect, forgiveness, and freedom, they would treat us with love and forgiveness. Then I learned that there are people who enjoy cruelty and who thirst for power and control. Their hearts aren’t melted by kind-hearted people. Instead, they view kind-hearted people as wimps, easy marks, sheep to be sheared. In fact, these predators specifically target kind-hearted people because they know that they will show them compassion, keep forgiving, keep trying, even while they are being destroyed. (What Kind of Woman Does an Abusive Man Go For?) Using tactics such as anger/kindness, gaslighting, lies, blame, criticism, insults, belittling, minimizing, and others, an abuser is able to make his victim believe that the abuse is her fault–she is not loving enough, forgiving enough, trusting enough, capable enough, generous enough, etc. Dr. George Simon, who has worked with “character disturbed people” for decades, describes these tactics very well on his website. It’s eye-opening. I wrote about the abuse cycle the other day, and mentioned many of these things.
One tactic an abuser uses is to provoke, becoming more and more insulting until the victim reacts. If she defends herself, he might accuse her of always thinking she is right. If she confronts his behavior, he might accuse her of being critical and never saying anything good about him. If she breaks down and cries, he will accuse her of being over-sensitive and crying about “nothing.” If she got angry, he accuses her of being angry and bitter. If she refuses to respond and keeps silent, he accuses her of being passive-aggressive or never wanting to deal with the issues. Every response can be used against her. There is no way to win.
The effect on the victim is damaging. She believes she is not over-critical, over-sensitive, or always thinks she is right, but she did say some negative things. She did cry or get angry. She is asserting that she is right. She thinks he is the aggressor, but what if he is right about what he says about her?
This, I think, is where a victim’s identity crumbles–when she doesn’t know who or what she is. I’ve told EJ now and then that I don’t really know who I am. I don’t know if I am good or evil, kind or mean–a monster? Who am I? There is a scene in a Doctor Who episode called The Bells of St. John that hits me really hard. In the scene, there are many people crying, “I don’t know where I am!” It always echoes my cries but in my mind I change the words to: “I don’t know who I am.”
I don’t know where [who] I am.
It’s like I’m breaking into a million different pieces… (Clara, Doctor Who)
I can recognize that it’s abusive to yell at me for hours, to get angry at me when I say “no,” to insult me, swear at me, to tell me that I am a waste of air. I know it’s abusive to tell me that I am “a daughter from Hell, the worst daughter a mother can have.” (For most of my life until I got engaged, my Mom always called me “the Caring One” and “the one I can count on to be helpful.”) I can recognize it’s abuse when it’s happening.
But later, I think “What if what they said is true? What if I really am the daughter from Hell? The monster? What if I am unaware of my awfulness just like a person can’t smell his own bad body odor but everyone else can?”
But then I remember that it is never ok to yell, insult, belittle people or to accuse them of doing things they never did, or to disregard their boundaries. A person MUST set healthy boundaries or they will live in torment forever.
But then I wonder (in agony) what if they are acting this way because of me? What if I am a failure? What if I have violated all the principles that I value and want to live? What if I am overly sensitive and misunderstanding this person?
But then I read descriptions of abusers and the effect on victims and it’s exactly what I’ve experienced. Exactly. So it’s not me. I must protect myself by refusing to accept their accusations.
And back and forth and back and forth it goes: One moment determined, the next wracked with guilt and shame. I am a monster. I am not a monster. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know who I am. I totally relate to this scene in the movie Tangled. All my friends thought this movie was humorous, but I cried because it’s such an accurate depiction of emotional abuse.
But as Natalie Hoffman wrote in her blog, Flying Free:
SHE IS COURAGEOUS. SHE SURVIVES THE REJECTION OF HER LOVE AND THE DEHUMANIZATION OF HER SPIRIT, AND STILL SHE GOES INTO EACH DAY WITH HOPE.
During her marriage [or other abusive relationship; EJ is awesome but our families aren’t] she would get up each day with a renewed sense of hope and faith. She would love her family and care for her home in spite of chronic rejection and criticism.
When she takes steps to get out of her abusive environment, she will need this courage—because getting out is a red-hot hellish journey. She will now need to survive rejection from her religious community, her extended family, some of her friends (the “fair weather” ones), and sometimes of her own adult children (sadly – very common).
Yet, she will rise. Given time, this woman WILL RISE because her faith isn’t in people. It’s in Jesus.
Bluebird of Happiness
Today is overcast with a high in the mid-40s (with expected overnight low only 22! Yikes).
However, beginning last week the temperatures have gradually risen into the 40s, 50s, 60s, and it even reach 70 yesterday! It was so warm that I didn’t wear a jacket. With the days of warm temperatures, I think it’s funny that we still have areas of snow. Even the warm days couldn’t completely melt all the snow we had! Most of the snow is on the north sides of hills or in low lying areas.
I’ve been continuing to do the hand exercises that my occupational therapists gave me. Although my hand is still quite swollen, stiff, and sore and some movements are awkward, it is getting stronger and I am able to do more tasks. I am now able to care for the poultry without EJ’s help. Having a garden hose to fill water buckets and the duck pool is easier than lugging buckets of water. The coop needs a good cleaning. I will probably need EJ’s help for that because raking and shoveling is still difficult.
Yesterday I put the screens back in the windows. I didn’t open the windows because I got the screens in later in the day and I knew the temps would begin cooling. But….soon!
I also set up a long tie-out so Hannah can be outside without us holding a leash. I had position it just right so she couldn’t get tangled up in anything. I’m not sure she will enjoy being tied outside because she always wants to be near us. I told EJ that I think she is part Klingon because she is so clingy.
I’ve been removing a section of the snow fence every few days and this morning I finished the last of it. I doubt we will try putting it up next winter (or any winter) because it really didn’t work. Oh, well. It was worth a try.
I removed the bird feeders yesterday. We can’t keep them up when the bears are active because it attracts them. The last thing I want is bears near the house! This morning I moved the feeder post closer to the corner of the deck so it doesn’t block my view so much. We will probably hang potted flowers on the hooks.
Late yesterday afternoon I was looking out the window and saw a blue and red bird at the birdhouse near the big rocks. I gasped, grabbed my camera, and zoomed waaaay in. Just as I suspected, it was a BLUE BIRD! And not just one, but TWO! I haven’t seen a blue bird for years and years. I was so thrilled! The birds checked out all the birdhouses. I was hoping they’d move in, but I haven’t seen them today. Oh, well. I feel fortunate just to have seen them. With Madeline around, they might not have been safe.
I’ve been seeing lone turkey hens wandering about our property. I’ve been wondering if they are looking for places to lay their eggs. Yesterday I saw Miss Madeline Meadows, our sweet serial killer cat, walking toward a turkey. I watched and whispered, “Please don’t attack the turkey! Please don’t attack the turkey!” Madeline has never bothered the turkeys before, but usually there are several–and she is such a blood-thirsty killer that it wouldn’t surprise me if she went after one. However, the turkey escaped unharmed yesterday.
I ordered a narrow wire bookcase from Amazon. I had ordered one a couple of years ago to put in my craft closet to hold my yarn. It fit perfectly so I ordered another one to put on the other side of the same closet. Is will arrive tomorrow, so I cleaned out that side of the closet this morning in preparation. I can’t wait to get better organized! I’m going to put my crochet cotton on it, a well as my shipping supplies.
In spite of the delight of the last few days, and seeing the bluebird of happiness, I have felt very sad. We have had to set strict boundaries with someone we love very deeply. However, we have asked, we have confronted, we have been patient and we finally gave the person a choice: Stop insulting, etc., or stop contact. I think the person is/will choose to stop contact. Even though I realize that we can’t tolerate the person’s behavior, I feel very, very heartbroken. We would prefer to keep the relationship. Loss of relationship always feels like agonizing death to me. I think that sometimes there is no good option, there is no winning, there is only losing.
I’ve Been Thinking…
I’ve been thinking deeply about things during the last month or more. I’ve attempted to write about my thoughts several times but I haven’t been able to find the right words. My brain sees many, many connections between related topics, that connect to other topics, and still more topics, so when I write about something complicated, it’s difficult to know where to jump in or which strand to follow. In following one line of thought, there are many other equally important related topics that go untold.
I want to write about an aspect of abuse that I’ve struggled with. It relates to a reason I think many victims find it difficult to leave their abusers. It relates to the abuse cycle. Which relates to abuse dynamics. Which relates to emotional abuse. Which also relates to Psalms 55:12-14. And also what characteristics an abuser looks for when choosing a victim. Much could be written about any one of these things. I’m not sure which point to address first or where to go from there. If a person doesn’t understand any one of those topics, perhaps he can’t fully understand the one I’m writing about. Usually when I write, I lay a basic foundation and build on it, but how far back do I go? I could get bogged down laying the foundation and never get to what I am trying to write about. See my problem? Oy
It feels complicated, vast, and overwhelming.
Sometimes people compare different forms of abuse, rating one form as worse than another. I think that’s a lot like comparing different forms of murder. Which is worse, to be strangled, stabbed, shot, poisoned, hung? Which is the worst kind of abuse: sexual, physical, financial, or emotional? I think all is bad. In the end, no matter how a victim was murdered, he is dead. Dead is dead. There is no better way to be murdered, ok? Neither is there a better way to be abused.
The tactics used by the abuser in each form of abuse is very similar. So are the effects on the victim. So is the way bystanders react to accounts of abuse.
Victims of every form of abuse get caught in what is called the “abuse cycle.” The cycle is like this:
I’ve experienced emotional abuse, mostly from family. I’ve experienced abusers provoking a conflict, then exploding in rage, insulting, accusing, belittling, blaming. The provoking/rage is crazy and there is no way to win because every action is wrong no matter what it is.
Many times in the face of such rage, I have remained calm and not defended myself. This doesn’t work either. I’ve had an abusive person keep provoking and provoking, getting more and more insulting until I finally had enough and react, and then I’ve been criticized for reacting. Often I’ve witnessed the abuser become really calm when I react, and then he (or she) has accused me of being the provoker, over-emotional, and “you need to apologize” or “we both have issues we need to work on.” I’ve had an abuser keep re-igniting the conflict–I think it’s over but he returns to say “I’m sorry, but….” and then the conflict restarts. If I try to explain my position, he (or she) says that I’m keeping the conflict going. Grrrrr.
After the time of anger is the period of reconciliation. The abuser acts like nothing happen–sweetly chats as if there wasn’t just a huge conflict just a short time before. Or he says it wasn’t that bad, he did nothing wrong and I got upset or cried for nothing. Or he says he’s sorry…and then acts slightly offended if he is not immediately forgiven (and everything forgotten.)
Although the period of anger is very battering, I think the reconciliation/calmness is almost more damaging. Because it’s then that the victim begins to wonder if maybe she did over-react, or misunderstand, and maybe she is really unloving and unforgiving. And if she said something unkind in reaction to the abuse, she feels overwhelmed with guilt and doubts and second-guesses herself. And “maybe the abuser is really genuinely sorry”? So she forgives. This is the time she isn’t sure what is real or who she is: Is she good or evil? Is she right or wrong? Is she the monster???? I think it was Dr. George Simon who said that if a “character disturbed person” can get a victim to doubt herself, he is able to then easily manipulate her. Simon has studied such people for decades. His website is full of very good information.
Most people will apologize if they have done something to hurt another person, and they will genuinely try to change. There will be noticeable improvement in behavior. That’s called repentance. But an abuser will not improve. The cycle repeats, and repeats, and repeats and the abuser’s behavior in each part of the cycle never changes. In fact, it often grows worse.
So why doesn’t a victim “get wise” and just leave?
There are several reasons.
First, there is Psalms 55:12-14:
For it was not an enemy who insulted me;
if it had been, I could have borne it.
It was not my adversary who treated me with scorn;
if it had been, I could have hidden myself.
But it was you, a man of my own kind,
my companion, whom I knew well.
We used to share our hearts with each other;
in the house of God we walked with the crowd.
Anyone can recognize an enemy if he looks evil, like Darth Vader. Duh. When we recognize an enemy as an enemy, we can easily endure, hide, or defend ourselves. The problem is when the “enemy” wears the face of someone you love–your family member, or best friend, or other trusted person.
Most of my abusers have been family members. Because I loved them so deeply, I wanted to see the best in them, and I wanted to forgive them, and I wanted to work on the relationship, and I didn’t want to give up on them, and I wanted to believe that they were really sorry when they hurt me, or that they didn’t mean it, or it was some misunderstanding. I even excused and endured their abuse because I thought they were wounded inside and needed unconditional love and forgiveness. So I kept trying and trying and trying. When nothing worked, I felt that if only I had explain differently or better, they would understand that I love them. So I kept trying: again and again and again.
Abusers specifically target people who are very conscientious, compassionate, loving, forgiving, and willing to see the best in people because these people will keep trying and not give up on them. Natalie Hoffman describes this very well in her post, What Kind of Woman Does an Abusive Man Go For? She writes about intimate relationships, but it applies to any sort of relationship. I’ve been reading Natalie’s blog lately. It’s very, very good.
The victim recovers less and less quickly from the battering of the explosive rage in the cycle, and she sees that the “sorrys” are hollow because they aren’t genuine. The abuser never improves, his explosive rages are just as bad as the one before (or worse). She has tried to be more loving, more forgiving, more patient. She has explained to the abuser how he has hurt her and confronted him. Nothing has worked. Eventually, the victim has had ENOUGH.
Natalie Hoffman has written an amazing article called Seven Predictable Things Your Emotional Abuser Does When You Set Boundaries. The things she described are very accurate. It takes a while for a victim to finally escape because at first she believes the abuser wants to change, and she gets drawn back into the abuse cycle. But eventually, as Natalie wrote, after she has unsuccessfully tried and tried and tried to restore the relationship,
She senses everything slipping away, and she makes the decision to go for all or nothing. This empowers her to establish more powerful consequences in a a last attempt to demonstrate the seriousness of the issue.
It is here that she chooses to separate. She is now ready to take her last stand, finally accepting the fact that she cannot control her abusive partner and his flying monkeys, but she CAN control her own choices and what she will or will not put up with.
Natalie also wrote:
“The most loving thing you can do to an offender is give them a boundary. When you give an unrepentant offender a boundary, they fling their stuff on you and go running the other direction! So you have to be willing to say goodbye. Until you are, you’ll be stuck trying to make it work by yourself, and that will mean pretending, placating, avoiding, and stuffing. You think that’s a real relationship?”
This is a difficult heartbreaking decision because this person was “my companion, whom I knew well [or thought I did]. We used to share our hearts with each other.” But finally, finally, the victim sets the boundaries of what she will accept and what she will not, and she separates. It’s not that she never set boundaries or confronted before, but now she’s going for “all or nothing” and willing to say goodbye.
The victim has been very strong and courageous to reach this point. But this is when things really get rough because the abuser unleashes his full anger and smears her reputation, and tries to turn others–her family, her friends, her church–against her by appearing to be charming and repentant. More often than not, he is successful and she loses almost everyone she loved and trusted. The victim (now a survivor) has courageously stood up to her abuser. Now she must stand up against everyone else. Knowingly or not, they become the accomplice of the abuser. They batter her with the very same messages her abuser did: “It’s your fault. You must have provoked him (or her). You need to be more loving and forgiving. You need to work on your sins. You are critical, negative, angry, bitter, unsupportive, without grace. If you leave the relationship, you are dishonoring God.”
I think this is a very lonely, difficult time for an abuse survivor. She has lost almost everyone in her life. She wonders if maybe she is really the monster that everyone believes she is. She wonders if she has done the right thing. She feels guilt. But she knows she must escape the abuse and she holds firm. Gradually, away from the abusive situation, she recovers and she finds new freedom and peace.
Dr. George Simon says that “character-disturbed people” are becoming more and more common. Abusive people can appear to be very charming and nice to everyone except their victims, which they hurt in private. I absolutely believe that people need to educate themselves on the dynamics of abuse so they do not become the abuser’s victim or accomplice. Knowledge and understanding is of utmost importance.
The End of Winter?
The difference between last weekend and this weekend is totally amazing. Last weekend we got 20 inches of new snow. During the week the temperatures steadily rose into the 30s, 40s, and then 50s. Today the temp reached 60! Whoo hoo! The snow is quickly disappearing. Again. I’ve lost count of how many times the snow has melted and fallen. I’m hoping that this time Spring has finally come to stay.
During each day last week the warm temperatures melted more of the snow. At night the temps cooled and the melted snow refroze. It formed a hard glaze on the surface of the snow, which was very slippery. It was so slippery that EJ parked at the bottom of the driveway and walked to and from the suburban at the beginning and ending of each work day. He didn’t try to drive up to the house until Friday afternoon. I was very careful whenever I had to go outside.
In addition to the wild birds and deer, I saw turkeys wandering through our yard several times last week. The males were displaying their beautiful plumage in hopes of getting the attention of the females. They got my attention: I whispered, “Oh, my goodness! You are BEAUTIFUL!”
A couple mornings ago when I was in the garage giving the outside cats their portion of canned food, I saw Miss Madeline Meadows through the pet door flap. The cats usually are waiting for me in the mornings, and I couldn’t imagine why Madeline was remaining outside. I opened the door and discovered the reason why. Miss Madeline had killed a full-sized rabbit and was trying to take it through the pet door. I’m not even sure how she was able to carry it! I closed the door and went into the house. Later I found the gnawed rabbit in the garage near the cats’ food dishes. I didn’t take a photo of the rabbit because it was sad. I am glad Madeline gets the mice, shrews, voles, and moles, but I am sad that she also kills squirrels and rabbits. Miss Madeline Meadows is truly a serial killer cat.
This morning when I got up, I found EJ and Hannah sleeping together on the couch. EJ told me later that he when he first got out of bed, he found Hannah on the couch looking sad. I had shut her out of the bedroom because a large dog and 3-4 cats in the bed makes it too crowded to sleep. EJ and Hannah looked cute together. Then I saw Hannah with a really goofy expression on her face so I took her picture and told her I was going to share it on my blog. Ha ha!
This afternoon EJ and I drove to TSC to buy some poultry feed, dog food, and a garden hose. Next we stopped at Goodwill. I found a few Michiganian t-shirts and a book called Michigan Seasons – Classic Tales of Life Outdoors. Hey, there’s a reason EJ calls me “Michi-centric”–I love my state. Since we hadn’t had lunch, we stopped at Culver’s. It was so nice outside that we ate our meal at their outside picnic tables where we could enjoy the sunshine and a view of the bay.
We took Hannah with us. She always wants to climb into the front seat with us, where she’s a huge distraction for the driver so a few weeks ago I bought a harness with a seat belt attachment to keep her in the back seat. Even with the restraints, she tried to stretch to get into the front seat with us–and then whimpered when she couldn’t. She has some learning to do.
We ended our outing by stopping at a boat launch to look at the beauty of the lake. There were a lot of people in their boats fishing. We had to wait for one group to reload their boat on their trailer and drive off, but then we walked Hannah to the water’s edge. She wasn’t quite sure what to think of it.
I look forward to going on adventures when the weather gets warm.
Wild, Wacky, Weather Award
Wow. Michigan gets some crazy weather at times, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen a weekend with such wild, wacky weather like this one! With rain, freezing rain, sleet, and snow, I think Michigan is deserving of a major Award.
Yesterday morning I woke to snow. It snowed and snowed all day. This morning I woke to freezing rain/sleet. It has freezing rained and sleeted all day.
The Sheriff Departments in the region are warning people not to travel unless they absolutely have to and a local County Road Commission posted on FB:
Today brings an interesting mix of winter weather – rain, freezing rain, sleet and snow. We are running everything that has drifted. If a road is passable and protected from drifting, we will skip it till tomorrow. Here is the problem….freezing rain on a nicely plowed road could end up being much slipperier than with snow on it. Biggest problem right now is wind and drifting. This weather is forecast to continue through the night. Night shift is still working, concentrating on state highways and main county roads.
One county emergency department that is known for its sense of humor, posted on their FB page:
There are a lot of people asking how the roads are, And here is the update. If your road ends in the following, it’s bad:
Rd.
St.
Ave.
Pkwy
Blvd
Pvt
Way
Rdg
Hwy
Pl
Ln
Dr
Ct
Trail
Circle
Trace
Terrace
Commons
Center
Run
Row
Bluff
Hills
Pass
North/South/East/West
Our power went out at about 2 a.m. last night. EJ got out of bed and turned our propane heater back on so we stayed as snug as a bug in a rug. The power was restored about 8 a.m. this morning–and shortly after that we got our Internet connection back. The most difficult thing about having no power first thing in the morning is not being able to make coffee or take a shower. So as soon as the power came back on, I quickly made the coffee and took a shower, and then began a load of laundry–trying to get all the things done that require electricity, just in case. With all this freezing rain, we are aware that we could lose our power again at any time. We feel thankful that we only lost our power for a few hours–not days or weeks.
EJ went out this afternoon and snow-blowed some of the driveway. It was a miserable job because of the rain/sleet and the wet heavy snow on the ground. It really hurt his back. Poor guy. Usually I would have taken my turn with the snow-blower, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to manage it this time.
EJ read that people are reporting seeing bears on the move, which means they are waking from hibernation. Normally we would put away the bird feeders at this time so they don’t attract the very hungry bears, but EJ also read that the birds are struggling during this weekend’s storm, so we are risking the bears and keeping the feeders filled. The birds are enjoying it…and the deer.
The deer looked rather wet and miserable. I saw one little deer with icicles hanging from its mouth. Poor thing.
This post took a long time to write because Hannah Joy (aka Hannah Banana) wanted me to play with her NOW, and then she wanted to go outside NOW. I tried to ignore her but she pokes her head around my laptop. If I ignore her, she touches the screen with her nose. My laptop has a touch screen so when her nose touches the screen, my work is messed up. When I finally gave up and walked with her to the door, I told her that, unlike her, Danny was a polite and patient dog. Hannah didn’t care. She is so irrepressible. We do love her!
In The Midst of the Storm
I slept in late this morning, and while I slept EJ did most of my morning chores for me, which I thought was incredibly kind.
I opened my eyes to a beautiful snow-covered world. I also woke up to no Internet. A couple hours later we lost our power. EJ hooked up our little propane heater, and we were toasty warm all day.
We felt totally cut off from civilization. We read, napped, and watched the weather outside the window, feeling very cozy. It was very quiet and peaceful. At some point in the night we had had freezing rain, but it snowed through the day. There was a gusty wind that swayed the trees and blew the snow around.
Wild birds feasted at our feeders, and I saw a line of turkeys walk through the yard. EJ said he saw a deer at the feeder early this morning.
In the afternoon, EJ turned on his battery-powered radio so we could hear weather reports and see if the world had ended while we were peacefully disconnected. The DJ was not panicky, so the world was still out there.
About 5 p.m. I was surprised when our power suddenly came back on. I had expected it to be out for several days. I was also surprised that we got an Internet connection. Our Internet is sort of weird because there is a line of about five littletowers privately owned by individuals that are between us and our provider. Our neighbor across the street is one of those individuals. If one of those towers goes out, we lose our connection.
When I took Hannah out, I measured the snow on the patio table with a ruler. We have about 9 inches of snow. Other areas have a lot more. Here are a couple videos I took of the storm outside the window:
We are expecting another wave of the storm to hit tonight and continue through tomorrow. The National Weather Service says:
Another round of heavy, wintry precipitation will overspread northern Michigan from SW to NE late tonight into Sunday morning, continuing through the day. This will include more of a mix of freezing rain, sleet, and snow across northern Lower and mainly snow across eastern Upper. Significant accumulations of heavy/wet snow expected across eastern Upper and significant accumulations of ice expected south of M-72. Travel will become very hazardous, and additional power outages are likely.
I quickly wrote this post in case we lose our internet and/or power again.
Mixed-up Storm
Two days after her after her spay/hernia surgery, Hannah Joy was acting like her normal self. The vet said we have to try to keep her from running or jumping for ten days while her incision heals, which isn’t easy because she is exuberant and irrepressible. I pretend to complain that it’s a bit unfair that my dog is back to normal within a couple days of her surgery while I’m still dealing with recovery more than two months after my hand surgery. Of course, in reality I’m glad that Hannah-Banana is doing so well.
JJ dropped by yesterday to pick up some more of his possessions. When JJ saw Hannah, he asked, “Why is she wearing a t-shirt?” I told him it was because Hannah was our daughter. He said, “Ok, really, why is she wearing a shirt?” I replied that the vet had told us that if Hannah starts to lick her incision–which she is doing–we can put an old t-shirt on her to prevent it. She looks rather cute in it. EJ put his hat on her for a photo. However, I had to take the shirt off her today when she began to eat it.
I faithfully do my four pages of hand exercises four times a day. It sometimes feels as if the majority of my day is spent on the exercises, but I work hard at them because I want to restore mobility in my hand. In some ways it feels as if progress is slow. My hand still feels a bit sore, swollen, and uncomfortable, and it stiffens between sessions of exercises. However, I notice my hand feeling stronger and I am able to do more tasks with less awkwardness, so I’m getting there. Slowly. Not quickly like Hannah.
Today I organized the library, which had gotten a bit messy while I was dealing with my injury. It looks really nice and organized now, which lifts my spirits. I’m thinking about buying another shelf to put in the closet to further organize it. I already have one shelf that holds my yarn.
I drove the Xterra to the grocery store this morning to pick up a couple items. JJ had been driving our Xterra for several years to go to school and work. If I wanted to go anywhere, I had to wait until JJ was home, which was seldom. Most of the time I planned errands so EJ and I could go together in the Suburban. After JJ moved out, we fixed the fuel line on the HHR and gave it to him, which means that we have the Xterra back in our “stable.” I’m so enjoying the freedom of having transportation whenever I want it.
A major winter storm began moving into Michigan this afternoon. The storm is supposed to last through the weekend. I’ve heard we could get quite a bit of snow, or maybe freezing rain and ice, and wind. Earlier today I saw rain, snow, sleet, and graupel, and I’ve heard a few rumbles of thunder. At one point I saw it snowing hard while also hearing the tap-tap-tapping sound of rain on the roof, which was really weird. The National Weather Service for our area says that the winds and heavy snow will likely cause power outages. I’ve heard that roads could become hazardous or impossible to travel on.
It sounds as if mid-Michigan will get a lot of freezing rain and ice. I think the dividing line between snow and ice is quite close to us here in the north. I’m really hoping that we get more snow than ice because ice is much more dangerous.
When we took Hannah outside for the last time tonight, it was snowing. Now I hear rain tapping on the roof again. Yuck.
EJ and I are just going to hunker down this weekend. We have a propane heater handy in case we lose our power. We will stay warm, and we can cook our food on a camp stove. We have flashlights, lanterns, and candles for light. I hate losing power but, meh, we will do ok. We won’t be able to connect to the Internet, but we have hundreds of books in our library.
This winter sure has been wild with numerous thaws and snows.
I Love To Go A Gardening 