I Love To Go A Gardening
Growing Our Life in Northern Michigan
Hand Therapy
The weather has been very nice. The nighttime temperatures often dropped below 20, but the daytime temps rose into the high 30s and 40s. Our snow is mostly gone, but we are supposed to get several inches soon–tonight, I think. Yuck, I like winter, but this one has been tough and I’m ready for it to end.
My appointment with my hand surgeon was this morning. The nurse used some sort of power tool to saw the cast off. I didn’t look because I imagined the tool accidentally cutting into my arm. I gave my camera to JJ and asked him to take a few photos of the saw cutting through the cast so I could gradually look later when I was ready and see what it looked like. I was disappointed–but I suppose not really surprised–that he didn’t take any closeup photos of my arm. He thought it was funnier to take photos of my stressed face. I’ve never, ever liked photos of myself and certainly not when I look distressed. Bummer. This is why I usually stay behind the camera instead of in front of it.
I am super empathetic, which makes medical appointments difficult because I tend to faint. But I did not faint when the cast was taken off and I did not faint this time when x-rays were taken of my hand. I managed to wash my hand at the sink after the x-ray without fainting. I didn’t faint even though I was appalled when I saw my swollen and misshapen hand. I didn’t look on the inside of my wrist because I didn’t want to see the scar. I definitely would have fainted then because I can’t help but imagine the surgeon’s knife opening up my hand. But I looked at the x-ray photos the doctor showed me without fainting. I did get faint when she asked me to move my hand and fingers this way and that. I was barely able to move them at all.
After the doctor appointment, I had to go to occupational therapy, which is located in a different section of the doctor’s office. I was afraid that it would be unpleasant and I would faint again. It is very unpleasant to faint. The therapist saw how dry my skin and she massaged lotion into it. I was surprised at how gentle and good the massage felt to my injured hand.
The therapist said that on this first visit she would most concentrate on getting my splint on. She put a sort of sock on my arm. Then she heated up some sort of material until it was flexible and formed it around my wrist. She cut away parts until it fit well on me and then put on velcro straps. This is a removable splint. I have to wear it all the time for two weeks–except when I do my hand exercises or shower. Then for two weeks, I need to wear it only when I go away from home or do chores. Then for two weeks I can wear it occasionally–like when I do chores.
The therapist gave me instructions on how to move my fingers and hand indifferent ways, much as the doctor had. I have very little movement. I could barely bend my fingers or wrist, I couldn’t straighten my fingers all the way, and I can’t twist my wrist. She showed me how to do various stretching exercises, each of which I have to repeat 10 times four times a day. My arm is sore and the exercises aren’t comfortable so I watch Netflix when I do them to distract my mind.
The therapist offered me the option of having the therapy done at the hospital that is closer to our home, but when I called them they said their OT only works 20 hours per week and isn’t available when JJ can take me, so I called today’s therapist back. I have another appointment with her this Thursday. She said that usually they like patients to come twice a week at first, but she knows I have to work around JJ’s schedule so she said we’d discuss how to work that out on Thursday. I feel bad that JJ has to take me so often, and he wasn’t thrilled either, but I need this therapy so my hand will work. EJ can’t get so much time off work and I can’t drive myself, so I’m hoping JJ will be patient about taking me. I told him that as soon as I am able, I will drive myself so it shouldn’t be too many weeks that he has to take me. I hope.
JJ’s Apartment (And Hannah’s Bedroom)
The plan was that JJ would drive to the house to pick up a few more of his possessions, and I would go with him so I could see his new apartment. Depending on timing and how man trips JJ made, either he would take me back home or EJ would pick me up after work.
I didn’t know when JJ would get here. I figured that he probably wouldn’t have much patience to pack stuff so I did a lot of it. I emptied his dresser, desk drawers, and most of his closet, and dragged boxes and bags to the kitchen. He doesn’t have a lot of possessions. Mostly I just packed his clothes. He still has computer cables and accessories to take, as well as his books, but he can get those little by little. After I got the clothes out of the way, I picked up empty envelopes, wrappers, etc., from the floor and vacuumed. JJ took most of his blankets with him last night, but I told him I wanted to keep the bedspread. I put it and a couple other blankets in the wash. JJ hasn’t been the neatest person ever, and it felt good to get the room tidy. Too much clutter and mess tends to depress my spirits.
I laughed because Hannah kept lying on the bed as if she was claiming JJ’s room for herself. She even set her favorite toy on the bed. I went into the bedroom later and saw TWO balls on the bed. I’ve begun calling the room “Hannah’s bedroom.” Hannah is such a funny dog. Whenever EJ hugs or kisses me, she runs up for some lovings too.
JJ arrived in the early afternoon. He hadn’t slept well on the floor last night so he ended up taking a short nap on the couch. Kee-Kee and Hannah cuddled with him.
Plans changed. JJ wanted to visit his girlfriend–she lives about a half hour further than us from JJ’s apartment. I said, “No problem.” I really want to tour JJ’s new apartment, but if I couldn’t get there tonight, I told JJ that I could always visit after my doctor appointment on Monday. After texting his Dad to see if it was agreeable, we decided that EJ and I will take the mattress to JJ tonight after EJ gets home from work. If possible, maybe we can also bring him the recliner we are giving him.
The mattress was on the top shelf in our pantry/storage room. I had JJ get it down, and I also had him get down the tote with the single sheets in it so he could take them with him. I also let him have the extra coffee machine, and I let him take some of his favorite coffee cups, some extra pots, pans, and plates we no longer use. Then we loaded the Xterra and off he went.
Before he left, he hugged me and told me that he’s rather terrified about moving and “I’m going to miss all this.” I told him that before he knows it, he will be settled in and loving it.
Later
EJ came home from work and put the ducks in their coop for the night. He tried to put the chickens in, but it was still light out and they always refuse to go into the coop until twilight. EJ loaded the mattress into the suburban and I grabbed JJ’s work shirts, a bag of clothes hangers, and the plant his girlfriend gave him and we set off for JJ’s new apartment.
I was very surprised at how big the complex is. I looked at Google maps when we got home and counted twelve large three-story apartment buildings. The complex has a pool, gym, hot tub, children’s playground, and dog park JJ lives in a second story 2 bedroom apartment with a balcony. There is a washer and dryer in their apartment. It was quite nice. They don’t really have any furniture yet, but that will come. We will let JJ have one of our recliners but we couldn’t fit it in the sub to take it to him tonight.
When we got home, EJ went out to shut the chickens in the coop and then we relaxed for the rest of the evening. We both agreed that we are glad that JJ is growing up and gaining his independence, we are excited about this new period of our lives, but it will all take some adjustment.
Empty Nest
Well, JJ received the keys to his new apartment today!
The new apartment is in the same town where EJ works so he stopped to look at it when he got out of work. I have to wait until tomorrow to see it because I didn’t have transportation–and even if I had, I couldn’t have driven with my broken arm.
JJ had to work today, but he stopped by this evening to take a few basic things back to the apartment. The first thing in the car was his computer, which is his most valued possession. He took some items we are giving him, a few clothes, his pillow and blankets, and probably not much else. His Dad could have put a mattress in the sub this morning and dropped it off for him, but JJ wasn’t very definite about his moving plans. Oh, well. It won’t kill him to sleep on the floor and it will actually be an adventure.
JJ is skipping his college class tomorrow to move more stuff. I don’t think he’s worry about moving everything all at once. He’ll just take things back when he visits. I will go with him tomorrow, although there’s not much I can really do to help. I will enjoy seeing his new place though. I will take photos.
Once JJ is mostly moved out, I will begin cleaning and organizing his old bedroom. In fact, I really want to do some Spring cleaning and organize the whole house. Drat this injured arm–it is going to slow me down!
EJ and I now have moved into the “empty nest” stage of our lives.
I have such mixed feelings. I’m a bit sad because it’s such a big ending. Having an empty nest makes me feel old. However, I’m excited for this new stage in JJ’s life and excited about the new stage in our life. There are things I will miss and things I won’t miss. I would write about this in more detail, but my arm feels swollen and it’s painful to write tonight. Maybe I have been trying to do too much.
Spring Fever
Last night I told EJ that if he would make sure the ducks and chickens had plenty of food and water when he shut them in the coop at night, I thought I could let them out in the mornings. EJ is always short of time in the mornings. Mostly what has stopped me from letting the poultry out before now is the slippery icy path to the coop. Most of our snow/icy has melted, but the path is still icy because it is on the north side of the house. I successfully opened the coop this morning. I made sure to do it while EJ was still here in case I ran into problems, which I didn’t.
The temperature was in the high 50s today. Whoo hoo! We could get snow on Thursday, but Winter won’t last forever. Spring is approaching.
I have a touch of Spring Fever.
If I hadn’t injured my arm, I would be out rolling up the chicken fencing that I had put around the deck to keep Miss Madeline Meadows, our sweet serial killer cat, from stalking the birds at the feeders. The fencing didn’t work because the deer trampled it when they came to eat from the feeders but, hey, it was worth a try. I’d also be dismantling the snow fence along the driveway. I’d be putting away the sleds and setting up the patio table on the deck. But all those tasks are beyond me right now.
So instead I took Hannah Joy for a short walk around the house. I don’t trust Hannah to be outside unsupervised and unleashed, but if I could find the long chain we used when we took Danny camping, I would tether Hannah outside so she could enjoy the fresh air. I assume it’s somewhere in the garage. When I got Hannah back inside after our walk, I went back out to the duck pen. The ducks have been playing in the dirty melted snow in their little pool. I dumped out the water, dragged the pool closer to the gate, and dumped several buckets of clean water in it. I can’t manage to fill their drinking buckets because it takes two hands and more control. However, I can fill a bucket with water and carry it to the pool with my good hand. Then I just put the bucket in the pool and knock it over. I didn’t put much water in the pool, but as soon as I finished, the ducks got into it. They love–and need–water. With the nicer weather, both the ducks and the chickens have been going outside their coop. It’s fun looking out our bedroom window and watching them play.
JJ officially signs his lease for his new apartment tomorrow–and, yes, we will help him out, even though we said we wouldn’t. But when he really needs some help, we are there. He tried to figure out how to pay the initial rent himself but couldn’t come up with it so when he asked for help, EJ and I silently communicated with each other with looks–in the way married couples can–and said we would help. We want him to be able to accomplish his goals and dreams. We have lent him money when he didn’t quite have enough for a college semester. We put it on a credit card which he then is responsible for paying off. It’s rather a risk for us, but so far he has been very good at paying it every month.
I asked JJ what his plan is for moving and how we can help. He said he doesn’t know. I don’t think he has packed a single item. The few times I moved from one place to another, I was completely packed by moving day. In fact, the last time we moved, I began packing the house as soon as EJ got a job here in Northern Michigan. He stayed in motels and looked for a house while I stayed in the old house packing and caring for the pets. Anyway…I figure that this is JJ’s move and he gets to do it his way. We will let him tell us what help he needs. But today when I did laundry, I set aside a few old towels, wash cloths, dish towels, dish cloths, and hot pads for him if he wants them.
I have so many mixed feelings about this new stage of our lives. I feel so thrilled for JJ because I think it’s an exciting adventure for him. And I look forward to the adventure EJ and I will have together as JJ moves on. On the other hand, it’s also an ending and I feel a little weepy about it. The bad thing about having only one child is that we experience the emotions of the first child leaving home and the last child leaving home all at one time. I also am feeling kind of old now without a child at home.
JJ called me on his way home from school today to ask if I’d get his waiver form ready to hand to him as soon as he pulled in. He was going to his girlfriend’s and wanted to drop the form off at the police station on the way. He is going to go on ride-alongs with the sheriff a few times. I read the form while I waited for him. It stated things such as he is required to stay in the police car during traffic stops, and if the officer had to go to dangerous situation, JJ would be dropped off in a safe place and another officer would be called to pick him up. The form said, “I understand that there is a risk of severe injury or death….” because, of course, despite precautions, a situation could become unexpectedly dangerous. When I handed the form over, I told JJ, “Please don’t have any severe injury or death when you do this.” That would totally suck.
This Monday I go to the doctor to have my cast replaced with a splint. The doctor said this will be a custom splint and will take about an hour to put on. I do not know how this splint will differ from the previous splints that I had put on in the ER after I fell and then after the surgery. I wonder how they will put it on me? I wonder how flexible it will be? I wonder how long I will have to wear it? I guess I will find out. I hope I don’t faint again. That’s no fun.
Seasons
We had a bit of rain on Saturday night and strong winds through Sunday afternoon. We had just a bit of rain–not like the flooding rains that areas were getting in southern Michigan. It’s interesting living in a forest when the winds is strong. The trees wildly sway back and forth, and sometimes they creak, squeak, or come crashing down. I always imagine upset Ents–or strange creatures like sasquatch, especially at night when I take the dog out.
Temperatures are warming up. They are climbing into the high 30s, the 40s, and even occasionally into the 50s during the day. Our snow is rapidly melting and we have more bare ground than snowy ground. Our neighbor’s property on the hill across the road is still mostly snow-covered, but they are on the north side of the hill and don’t get as much sun. I’m enjoying the more Spring-like weather but I remind myself that it’s only February so we could still get measurable snow.
With the ice disappearing, I’m thinking that maybe I can begin letting the poultry out of their coop in the mornings, as long as EJ can make sure their water buckets and food buckets are filled the night before. They are too heavy for me to handle. I might also be able to walk down to get the mail as long as I don’t take Hannah. However, I’ve slipped even in the summer on loose gravel, so I’m a little nervous about that. I really don’t want to risk falling and messing up my arm even more. I never used to worry about falling. Now it’s a concern.
The winds were swirling last autumns leaves around and Hannah chased them when I took her out on Sunday morning. She is such a cute dog with a strong personality. She likes being involved in everything. When EJ kisses or hugs me, she runs up for lovings too, and she always, always wants to play–and eat. When she doesn’t immediately get what she wants, she grumbles and growls, which looks and sounds fiercer than she actually is. When the cats wrestle, she runs in to break it up. Here are a couple of videos of her:
We really need to get Hannah into the vet to get spayed and I’ve noticed a lump on her belly that has me a bit concerned. Our vet is in the same little town as JJ’s girlfriend so we have discussed the possibility of him dropping Hannah off to get spayed, spending the day with his girlfriend, and then bringing Hannah home later. However, JJ has limited days free, and right now I need him to be able to take me to the doctor. The vet has said that we have several months to get Hannah spayed before she goes into heat again. However, I would like to have the vet look at the lump. EJ said that I could drop him off at work so I would have the sub to take Hannah to the vet, but I seriously do not feel up to driving–especially in traffic–with a mostly useless arm. And Hannah is not particularly calm in the car. I have doubts about handling her alone in the car when I have two good arms, I really don’t think I could handle her with just one. It’s frustrating to have limitations of both not having transportation and not having two working arms. I’ve been trying to figure out how to get Hannah to the vet. I’m thinking that we can postpone getting Hannah fixed and if I can get an appointment for Saturday for the vet to look at the lump, EJ could drive us.
Sunday morning EJ and I went grocery shopping at our little local store. Besides buying groceries for us, we bought a few things for JJ as a housewarming gift. We bought basics that he might not think of getting–such as flour, sugar, salt and pepper, laundry detergent, dish soap, toilet paper, paper towels, storage and trash bags, etc. We are also giving him extra stuff from home if he needs/wants it. We have a few extra dishes he can have, as well as an old kitchen table and one of our living room recliners. We want to keep EJ’s great granny’s bed and the antique dresser that JJ has been using since we’ve moved here, but he can take the mattresses that were on his single bed downstate. It’s kind of bittersweet that JJ is moving out. It’s a fun/exciting adventure but a strange new step, a new season, for us all.
JJ wasn’t expecting to be able to move until about mid-March so he’s not quite prepared to move in this Wednesday. He doesn’t have all the necessary rent. It’s my understanding that his roommate has to move out of wherever he’s living soon so he can’t really delay moving into the apartment. We can help in some ways, but we will not help JJ with rent or his monthly bills. We have our own bills and expenses to pay and cannot help him financially–especially now with our medical bills, taxes coming due, and stuff. We also think it’s important that JJ learns about expenses and budgeting. We’ve told JJ that he can live here while he goes to college, but if he is adult enough to move out, he’s adult enough to pay his own bills. JJ is smart. He and his roommate can figure out the initial rent shortfall problem.
I think that learning about budgeting and caring for a home is vital. This is a good time to learn these things while he’s on his own. It would be tougher if he had a family to be responsible for.
Independence Day
My life is normally simple and quiet–I like it that way–but lately I think it is boring, at least to write or read about.
With a broken arm, there is not much I can do. The most exciting part of a day involves being able to accomplish a new task. I can almost do all of my regular chores–mostly, with some limitations. A few days ago, I managed to put clean sheets on the bed and make the bed–although I’m still sleeping on the couch because it’s easier to position my arm somewhat comfortably. Yesterday, I was able to fold the towels–more or less–which had defeated me before because they were bulkier and heavier than my broken arm could handle. Folding the sheets after I washed them ended in failure because, although light, they were too big. I wadded them up and stuffed them in the drawer. Opening cans is still an ordeal. Sometimes I am successful in getting them open and sometimes I am not. I still can’t care for the poultry. Although more and more snow is melting, the path to the coop is still icy and slippery and the water buckets are too heavy for me to lift and pour. I can’t wait until I can take back this chore too. Although trivial, I feel a sense of accomplishment when I can manage another task.
The most exciting event in our lives is that this Wednesday JJ and his friend will be moving into their own apartment. It’s a huge new step and stage of his life and it’s rather terrifying. He worries he won’t have enough money, etc., and I expect that finances will be tight for him for a while as he learns to budget. It’s one thing to pay some bills while living with your parents. It’s quite another to be responsible for paying for rent, utilities, and food yourself. However, I think that he will soon enjoy his independence.
I think JJ is ready to be out on his own. He said today, “No, offense, Mom, but I’ve been feeling trapped living at home.” I think it’s normal and healthy for a young person to want his (or her) independence. To, be honest, although we love JJ and his leaving will be an adjustment for us too, EJ and I are also ready for this new stage.
There are some characteristics that we all share–we love learning, history, science fiction, witty quotes, and have a similar sense of humor. However, JJ has a very different personality, and many different interests and needs than EJ and I do. He is much more strong-willed and assertive; we are more gentle. JJ is good at setting his own boundaries, I think we are better at respecting others’ boundaries. He yearns for challenges and risks, while we crave peace and quiet. JJ likes intense debate and mostly handles conflict well. We enjoy friendly discussions and conflict totally drains us. He needs interaction with people, while we are content with more solitude. We love nature–gardening, walks, drives, and rockhounding, while he seems to prefer the computer. He is a night owl; we are morning people. We all care about justice, but JJ is more of a warrior–like Batman–who has no problem with dealing with evil doers. He doesn’t care if someone had a bad day, if they misbehave at the mall where he works as a security guard, he will ban them for the day, a year, or forever, depending on their offense. JJ is very suited to a career in law enforcement. EJ and I are more like healers–we love and help those who have been wounded by evil.
I value differences. I think the world needs both warriors and healers, extroverts and introverts, doers and dreamers. I think each type of person has gifts that can make the world a better place. However I also think that a person’s greatest gifts also has its weakness. For example, a person with a gift of organization can accomplish great endeavors, but if he isn’t careful, he can become domineering. A person who is gifted with the ability to motivate others can give people courage to endure hardship and do all sorts of heroic things–or he can manipulate and motivate people to despair and evil deeds. Generosity is an awesome gift, but can make a person susceptible to being exploited. Our differences can cause friction, especially if we don’t recognize the value of other gifts. A warrior might view a healer as weak. A healer might view a warrior as overwhelming. We have to each learn to use our gifts wisely and to value each other. I think we can learn from each other.
Because EJ, JJ, and I are different, we do have friction occasionally. So, yeah, we all love each other very much, but I think we all really need our independence. I am really excited about JJ’s new adventure. I think there will be adjustment and tears (I’m feeling a little teary as I write this), but I think he will do well and enjoy his more independent life. And it will be easier to set and maintain boundaries with each other, I think.
Superheroes and Magic Tables
My hand doctor told me to make sure I move my fingers so they don’t stiffen up so I am trying to type two-handed. I think that typing provides good finger exercises. But my left arm feels like a heavy block of wood and I don’t have the flexibility or freedom of movement that makes it easy or comfortable. My left hand is still mostly just pecking at the keyboard.
I hate this cast, although it is a pretty color and both EJ and JJ signed it last night. EJ even drew cute cartoon animals on it. But I never knew how rigid, sweaty, itchy, and uncomfortable a cast could be. I am trying very hard to imagine my cast being like Wonder Woman’s golden bracelets, which can repel bullets, but although my cast does repel threatening dog and cat claws, my arm seems to have a mind and an imagination of its own. My arm feels imprisoned and claustrophobic and it wants to growl and smash the cast off like the Hulk breaking out of restraints. I have to keep calming my arm down, encouraging it to patiently endure and not smash itself out of the cast. I keep telling myself, “Be Wonder Woman, not the Hulk.” Only two weeks. I can do this. GRRRRR
I will have greater understanding and compassion now when I see a person in a cast. There are many things we really don’t understand until we experience them. EJ says that he doesn’t notice me having much of a bad attitude. I’m actually able to do at least a part of most of my chores. I’m mostly writing about inner frustrations and discouragement to highlight how very difficult life can be for those suffering pain or illness. Most of the time, these dear people present a cheerful face to the world, never mentioning the pain, discouragement, and difficulties they endure every day. I know that when someone asks EJ how he is doing, he usually says that he is “good.” He doesn’t tell everyone how much chronic pain he suffers from his back injury.
JJ and his friend’s application for the apartment has been accepted so he will be moving out in a few weeks–he is not sure of the date. This will be a new season for us all, but I’m excited about this new adventure. I think JJ is more than ready for more independence. I also think that it will be a valuable learning experience. For example, he will learn more about how much household expenses cost, he will learn that he can’t afford a lot of extras, and he will learn the effort it takes to keep a home clean, living with a roommate instead of parents, and other such things. There are no magic baskets or tables like in this humorous video:
The video is funny, but although a person might think he knows some of these things, there are some experiences and levels of maturity a person can’t gain until they move from their parents’ house. Honestly, I think most guys could learn a thing or two about cleaning up after themselves. It doesn’t just happen. I love my son deeply, but I look forward to not having battles about dirty clothes on the floor and lights not turned off. Enough said.
I will say that while I didn’t have a problem keeping a home clean when I moved into my first apartment years ago, I learned a lot about independence and budgeting, and I matured a lot. I’m glad I had the experience before getting married.
Twice An Idiot
I feel like an idiot today. Twice an idiot. An idiot times two.
I was triggered and had a bit of a meltdown.
I don’t know if you know much about triggers. The concept of “triggers” has kind of lost its real meaning these days when it seems as if many are triggered when they simply hear something they don’t like or they disagree with. Such people need to grow up and develop a thicker skin. In contrast, real triggers are a real response to a real trauma, such as soldiers or abuse victims experience. It’s not fake, it’s not voluntary, it’s not being overly dramatic or weak. Just as a person can’t help her reaction to physical pain when someone bumps into her broken arm, so a trauma victim can’t help her reaction when something triggers the emotional/psychological wound.
So…I’ve written that it’s very difficult for me to be dependent, vulnerable, needy, helpless, which is what I’ve struggled with since I’ve broken my arm. I’ve been a bit anxious about getting to the doctor to have my cast put on. EJ was worried about having to miss work to take me–I think his company would not have a problem with him doing so, but he worked for 17 years at a company that often fired people for minor reasons–even such things as looking for another job–and that sort of concern can stick with a person. JJ had promised to take me to the doctor for my cast but I wasn’t sure if he would still take me if he made plans that conflicted with my appointment. He made an appointment for this morning, but promised to be home by noon, but then his girlfriend’s family had a crisis and he said that he would be home at 1 p.m., which was roughly the time I needed to leave. I panicked, thinking what would I do if he forgot, or just blew it off, or something delayed him on the way home. He was my transportation. Without him I was helpless to get to the doctor. I panicked.
JJ arrived in time to take me to the doctor. and on the way to the doctor’s he reassured me that he would never have just blown me off–that we are family. But you have to understand our experiences with family. I don’t really feel like going into details, but our relatives are emotionally abusive. My family was so awful that when EJ and I were meeting with our pastor before our wedding years ago, he told us that in all his 30 years of being a pastor, he had never encountered a family as difficult as mine. They didn’t get any better. EJ’s family tried to pressure us to have unlimited contact with their toxic brother, whom every abuse expert we’ve talked to said was definitely trying to victim-groom our son. So, yeah. We know that we can’t count on relatives for much help. I think that it’s difficult to bear the abuse of an enemy, but even harder when the enemy is a relative or friend.
JJ and I had a good talk on the way to the doctor. I felt stupid for having a panic attack. But he reminded me that we all understand about triggers because we all struggle with PTSD symptoms from abuse by our families, from EJ’s work situation downstate, from JJ’s cancer, and many other difficulties. I was triggered today by the anxiety of needing help but the fear that a family member wouldn’t help me. I sort of fell apart into feeling helpless, unloved, unvalued. It wasn’t pretty. I stopped taking the pain meds yesterday. They can be addictive. EJ suggested that maybe my meltdown was caused by a bit of withdrawal. I don’t know one way or another. Both JJ and EJ say I am loved and not a burden
JJ was a big help at the hand specialist’s. He came into the exam room with me. The nurse came in and let me choose the color that I wanted for my cast. It was difficult, but I finally chose a pretty bright orange. Then the nurse unwrapped my arm. I didn’t look. She said that I would have an x-ray taken of my hand–no doubt to see how my hand was doing. She said that when I got back, I could wash my arm in the sink if I wanted to wash off the orange painted on it during surgery. I couldn’t imagine that taking place. I was right. I was already on the edge of feeling faint.
JJ stayed in the exam room while I was taken to the x-ray room down the hall. I had to have three x-rays with my bare hand in different positions. By the third, I was feeling faint, clammy and nauseous. The technician brought me cool wet cloths for my head and apple juice to drink. JJ told me later that he heard staff talking about the person in x-ray who was fainting and he knew it was me. I lay with my head down for several minutes–which felt like an eternity–until I felt able to walk back to the exam room.
The doctor joined us and showed us the x-ray. She said that one break needed the metal plate but the other didn’t and was left alone. I looked briefly–I saw the plate in my arm–but it made me feel faint again so I lay my head on the table and continued drinking my juice. The doctor let JJ hold my hand up while she put the cast on. I didn’t watch but JJ said that she wound a netting cloth on, and then wound the cast on. The cast hardened in about 10 minutes. I feel as if my arm is more protected, but its hardness is not as comfortable as the more flexible splint. My hand feels claustrophobic.
The doctor told me to make sure to move my fingers so they don’t stiffen, and that I mustn’t submerge my cast but I can take a shower with it. She said that I can lift as much as 10 pounds but no more–I don’t feel strong enough to lift anything. In two weeks I must return and the cast will come off. I will be sent to physical therapy where they will put on another splint. This will be a custom fit and will take about an hour to put on.
Through all this information, I felt faint and had my head on the table. I felt like an idiot–the second time today–like I always do when I get faint at medical places. Everyone assured me that this happens often and not to feel bad. JJ kept joking to distract me, and that did help–just as it helped him when I joked when he had chemo. After a bit I was able to get up and we left.
JJ bought me a peanut butter malt at Culvers on the way home, even though I told him that he needs to save his money.
When EJ got home, he said he struggled all day with terrible back pain. JJ and I got very upset with him when he went out to care for the poultry alone even though JJ said he would help. JJ and I were like, “Why didn’t you wait for JJ? What will we do it you injure your back? How will we manage if my arm is broken and your back is out? Don’t do this!!! LET JJ HELP!”
EJ, JJ, and JJ’s girlfriend are going to all sign my cast. But not today. It was a tough day. My arm hurts.
Nemesis
We had two days of warmer temperatures–up into the mid- to high 40s. The snow was melting and dripping off the roof. The chickens and ducks were out enjoying the weather. However, once again our yard and driveway has become a treacherous glare of ice. The photo at the top of this post is of the icy driveway. Today it is snowing. The snow is covering the ice, repeating the conditions that caused me to fall and fracture my arm. I’m being even more cautious when I take Hannah out and only letting her go the length of her 6 foot retractable leash while I stay on the pavement near the porch. If I were a superhero, my villanous nemesis would be ice. Sadly, I’m not a superhero, but my nemesis is still ice.
Hannah Joy is a sweet, adorable, interesting, funny, fun, delightful, and much-loved dog, but she is not particularly calming to be around while I recover from my injury. When she wants something, she wants it NOW. If she isn’t asking to go outside, she’s bringing her toys to me and demanding to play, or wanting food, or trying to steal my kleenex, which she eats and later poops out. She has become quite a skilled pickpocket, stealing kleenex from my pocket as she sits innocently on my lap. If I ignore Hannah, she gets very vocal or climbs into my lap and paws at me. I feel as if I am constantly taking her outside, constantly throwing her ball, or constantly trying to protect myself, my food, or my kleenex from her. It’s not her fault. She is young and energetic, and has things to learn. If it weren’t for my arm and the nemesis ice, I would be taking her for frequent walks to use up some of her energy, and I would be teaching her. I can’t do that right now. Poor dog. And poor me because sometimes I need a bit of a break.
When Hannah, isn’t demanding attention, the cats want lovings. I love cuddling with them, but they don’t understand that they must not walk on my damaged arm on their way to my lap. Little Bear shows lovings by kneading with his claws out. I definitely do not need additional pokey pain. I dearly love all my critters, but sometimes want to shout “CAN YOU JUST GIVE ME SOME SPACE AND LEAVE ME ALONE FOR A BIT!”
A couple of days ago when I took Hannah out, Miss Madeline Meadows, our sweet serial killer cat, was lurking under the bird feeder. I’ve been keeping Hannah away from Madeline because Madeline is skittish and I didn’t want Hannah to scare her. But yesterday Hannah got a little closer than usual and Madeline didn’t run away, so I let Hannah go right up to her–although I was prepared to pull her away if there was a problem. Madeline just sat there completely unconcerned as Hannah sniffed her. I thought that, wow, Madeline has chutzpah, she has nerves of ice and steel. Nothing scares her, not even a big galooty dog.
Ever since I was sick with a bad cold a couple months ago, I have felt as if my sinuses have been swollen. Tuesday I blew my nose and filled a paper towel with mucus. Gross, I know, but to quote Shrek, “Better out than in, I always say.” I still feel as if my sinuses need more clearing, but I can breathe a little better now. I woke at 3 a.m. Wednesday morning with a headache and feeling nauseous and I felt that way most of the day. I didn’t know if the cause was connected to my sinuses, if I was getting sick (broken hand plus flu would really be special!), or if my pain meds were causing it. My pain meds come with a warning about addiction, which worries me. I have no problem taking them for pain, but I don’t want to risk addiction. I’ve never been addicted to drugs but I’ve heard stories a people getting addicted to pain meds and I don’t want to be one of them. After a couple of days of taking whole pills, I reduced them to half. I did fine on half so yesterday I tried taking only OTC pain meds. I lasted most of the day but then I couldn’t endure the increased pain so I gave in and took the prescription med. I am now trying to lengthen the time between taking the prescription med.
The other day I apologized to EJ for my bad attitude. He said that he hadn’t noticed me having any bad attitude. That’s good because I was afraid my attitude has been less than good. Although exhausting and frustrating to have minor tasks turned into major endeavors, I think I’m mostly meeting the challenges with creativity. I’m able to do dishes, laundry, vacuum, clean the litter boxes, set up the coffee machine, and even prepare simple meals one-handed. It just takes a while. It took me about 15-20 minutes to figure out how to open a can of baked beans with the electric can opener when my injured hand can’t hold the can or press the lever that grips and opens the can but, hey, I eventually did it, through trial and error, by putting the can on top of a thermos lid that I put on top of a cutting board to raise the can to the necessary height. That’s not nothing.
My frustration and discouragement rises when my guys–mostly EJ because JJ is seldom home these days–have to do tasks that I cannot manage. I hate that EJ has to lug heavy buckets of clean water for the ducks and chickens when his back is killing him (we can use the garden hose in warm months but not in winter). I hate having to ask him to take out the garbage when I know he’s very tired.
And JJ brings up other frustrations and fears. He took me to the initial consultation with the hand specialist, but he had to cancel taking me to have my surgery because it interfered with a class he couldn’t miss. That’s ok. I was actually relieved that EJ took me. But JJ said he would take me to get my cast on Monday and he has twice implied that he might not be able to take me. Then he told me to not worry because he would definitely take me, but the fear is already stirred up that I am dependent upon him, I am helpless to get myself there, and what will I do if he cancels at the last minute so EJ doesn’t have time to arrange to take me? Getting the cast is not a frivolous thing that can be blown off; it’s a necessity. Also this triggers fears of being like my Mom, who was abusively manipulative and controlling. I don’t want to be the guilting, controlling, manipulative Mom who thinks she is more important than anyone else and her kids should submit to her demands because they owe it to her because she raised them. I try to be careful to encourage and respect JJ’s independence. I will never demand that JJ put me ahead of his spouse, as my Mom did me, and I will never get angry if he chooses not to spend a holiday–or whatever–with us. I think things should be given freely out of love, not forced with demands, manipulation, or anger. But, dog-gone-it, sometimes everyone needs help. I need JJ to either get me to my appointment as he offered and promised he would or give us enough notice that his Dad can arrange to take me. Not being sure of what is going to happen, one way or another, is stressful. This is more about my emotions/fears being triggered than JJ’s reliability. He will take me if he can, and if he can’t for some reason, EJ will.
About 20 years ago, I suffered through a few years of chronic health problems. During that time, I struggled with fears of being a burden, being abandoned, and being dependent, vulnerable, and helpless. In spite of all the heartwarming quotes about family always being there, EJ and my experiences with both our families of origin is that they are more noticeable by their lack of loving support than the reverse. We know we can’t count on most of them to be there. I faced those fears back then, I learned to relax about the tasks I couldn’t do, I learned that I could survive unloving family/people, and I learned of God’s faithful love at a deeper level. Some of these fears are resurfacing a bit now. I know that eventually I will survive, relax, and grow this time just as I did last time. I just feel as if I’m in the messy emotional stage now. I will be ok–and better than ok.
JJ had to go to the courthouse this morning for jury selection. He wasn’t chosen to be a juror. This is his first time having this experience.I have had to go to jury selection several times over the years–I think it is an interesting experience. Like JJ, I have never actually had to serve as a juror. JJ thinks he won’t ever be selected because of his pursuing a career in law enforcement.
The other day EJ and JJ told me that the metal plate in my hand will set off detectors in places like courthouses or airports. Wow, that’s alarming (pun intended 🙂 ) as well as interesting. I wonder what would happen next? Would I be dragged off to a small dark room and searched and interrogated for hours? Will they somehow x-ray my arm? It’s sort of interesting to consider.
As I write this post, I have been watching about a dozen squirrels eating and chasing each other at the bird feeder. They are fun to watch.
Mostly Good
I really didn’t mean to go so long without posting an update…oops.
I am doing mostly good in a lot of ways. I had been afraid that I would be in much more pain after the surgery, but I am actually in much less. No doubt the metal plate in my wrist has stabilized the bones. I still feel pain, of course, but the pain meds help tremendously. The first few days I took whole pills, but on Sunday I began to take half pills and I’m doing fine on the lower dosage.
My new splint is more comfortable than the first one. The splint doesn’t cover my fingers so they aren’t all crushed together. I can move my fingers which is wonderful. My arm was painted with something orange during surgery so it looks as if I’ve been eating Cheetoes–or as if I’m turning into an Oompa Loompa from Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.
Before the surgery I was in so much pain that I could only sleep an hour or two at a time. After the surgery I slept much better. In fact, I don’t know if it’s because of the injury to my body or the meds I am taking but I have been sleeping a lot. One moment I’m awake and alert and the next I suddenly can’t keep my eyes open so I go take a nap. This tiredness is why I haven’t posted. I am so tired that it feels as if it takes too much effort to peck out a post. Mostly when I’m awake I do a few tasks, watch Netflix or Amazon Prime videos…and then take naps.
Mostly I have a good attitude about everything, but every now and then I have a very down day. It is frustrating and physically tiring to struggle to complete the simplest tasks but the emotional struggle is even worse. I worry about EJ because he lives with such chronic pain and fatigue every day. I always try to do as much as I can around the house so he can rest when he is home. Even with my injured hand I’m trying to do everything I can to help out, but there are many things I just can’t do and EJ has to take over many of my chores. It’s difficult knowing EJ has to care for my poultry before and after work when he is exhausted and hurting yet if he doesn’t keep their coop clean and give them clean water every day, they could get sick and die. I’m torn between wanting him to relax and wanting my poultry cared for so they don’t get sick. Sometimes EJ just wants to relax but if he doesn’t take Hannah outside then she paws at me, which is stressful because I’m afraid she will paw my injured arm and hurt it. So I take the dog out as often as I can to try to spare both EJ and me, but it requires effort and sometimes I am tired and don’t want to take her out. But I don’t want to nag EJ to do it.
I think JJ sees me doing a lot of tasks and he assumes I’m almost back to normal. I felt like crying when I asked JJ to please take Hannah out for me before my surgery and he complained that the only reason I was asking him to do it was because I didn’t want to do it myself. I wanted to snap that, no, the only reason I take the dog out is when I’m alone and she needs to go out, and I’m trying not to be a burden. In reality, I’m in excruciating pain, and it’s an effort to take Hannah out, and I’m always scared that I’m going to slip and fall outside and injure myself further. I don’t want to have to plead for help. I don’t want to feel like a burden.
So I struggle to do simple tasks, I feel like a burden (the guys wouldn’t have to do my chores if I hadn’t fallen), I’m trying not to place too many demands on the guys, I feel dependent, vulnerable, and helpless. I am tired, and frustrated, stressed and sometimes anxious. Sometimes all these emotions grow too overpowering and I have a low day where I feel depressed, frustrated, impatient, and I cry. On those days I don’t want to talk to any friends so I don’t burden them with my emotions.
But not every day is low and mostly I am doing well.
JJ is going to be moving out. He and a friend will be getting an apartment together. It’s actually quite a nice apartment and the complex has a pool, gym, and so on. It will be an adjustment to have him no longer living with us, but I think he is really ready for independence. I think there are valuable lessons and maturity to be gained by moving out that he can’t learn while he is a kid living with his parents. I know I learned a lot when I moved from my parents years ago and I value the experience. JJ is excited and nervous about this huge step, but I tell him that I’m sure he will do fine and will soon enjoy his independence.
We are selling JJ our Xterra. This is a bit of a sacrifice for us because we liked the Xterra and without it I won’t have any transportation, and we won’t have a backup vehicle if something goes wrong with the sub. However, JJ has been driving it all the time anyway and he needs to have a vehicle.
Last weekend southern Michigan was hit with a snowstorm. The storm didn’t reach our area. I’m glad because EJ didn’t have to snowblow the driveway.
During and After
I survived my surgery. It was done at a surgery center, not the hospital. Apparently, they specialize in surgery. It is a very modern facility.
I was so glad EJ was with me. I appreciate and trust JJ taking me to the other medical appointments, but EJ had the maturity, experience, authority, and love to a be the patient advocate I needed while getting. Plus, EJ was able to pay our bill and help with dressing before and after surgery. I never could have manage to tie the hospital gown behind me without his assistance. I liked the socks the gave me to wear. they were called, “pillow paws” and they had a happy face on the bottom. I told EJ that I had happy feet. After surgery, I held up a foot and asked EJ if my feet were still happy. He said they were.
The nurses and surgical staff were all very kind and caring. I made sure they were aware that I was nervous and that I have been known to faint so they could be forewarned. The last thing I wanted was to suddenly faint and maybe injure myself further. They all promised to take good care of me–and they did.
One moment I was lying on the table in the operating room, and the next I was being wheeled through the hallway to the recovery room. The nurse kept asking me about my pain level and putting more pain medication in the IV until I told her my pain level was at 3. The Anesthesiologist had told me before the surgery that he would put a numbing med in the IV to deaden pain. It worked. I couldn’t feel my fingers for the rest of the day. They didn’t even feel as they belonged to me. My pain so far has been less than what I’ve felt over the last week. I don’t know what the pain will be like when the surgery meds wear off. I don’t want the pain to have a chance to become overwhelming. so I plan to take the full strength prescription meds for a couple of days before cutting them in half (as suggested). I figure I was given pain meds for a reason, and by golly I’m going to use them!
When I went to the hospital ER after I fell, I was told to keep my arm elevated and iced. My bandages/splint were so thick that I couldn’t feel the ice and I didn’t know if it was doing any good. The recovery nurse at the Surgery Center explained that keeping my arm elevated prevents the blood from rushing into my arm, which reduces pain. She said that because my bandages are so thick, it’s better to put the ice pack on my arm above the cast. The ice will slow blood flow going into my arm. and reduce pain and swelling. This info is helpful.
We read in the patient info that I needed to have someone stay with me for 24 hours after surgery. We asked the nurse how important this was because EJ needed to decide whether to take another day off work. She said that it would be totally fine for him to go to work…as long as I didn’t plan to drive or use power tools. I exclaimed that that was a bummer because I had absolutely planned to use power tools the day after surgery.
My only concern about being alone today is how to handle Hannah Joy. Not only will EJ be gone all day, but I knew JJ was working today and he usually works 10-12 hour shifts. This means that at some point I would have to get Hannah outside. I’m not sure I could manage it. My concerns grew when we got home yesterday. Hannah was very difficult. She wouldn’t calm down. She constantly grunted, growled, barked, or pawed–her methods of communication–for attention. EJ took her outside, gave her extra food, played with her, and petted her countless times but she wouldn’t calm down. I had to be constantly on guard to prevent her from pawing me or bumping into my arm. (I also had to watch that one or other of the cats wasn’t stepping on my arm on their way to my lap.) I realize this has all been upsetting to Hannah. She hasn’t had any walks since I’ve injured my arm, I’m sure she got lonely while we were gone for so many hours, and no doubt she sensed that something was wrong with me. However, I was exhausted after a week of pain, sleeplessness, and then surgery, and I was very groggy from the lingering anesthesia. It was very frustrating and stressful to have to handle Hannah and not be able to have peace and be able to sleep.
So imagine my utter relief when JJ came home and told us that he didn’t have to leave for work today until 2 p.m. He will be able to take Hannah outside for me so I don’t have to attempt it. And then EJ will be home for the weekend.
I decided to sleep in my chair last night. I thought I’d be able to keep my arm elevated better and protect my arm from the pets more. However, I couldn’t get comfortable and the recliner bounced every time Hannah jumped on/off the footstool. I finally said “Screw this!” and I went over to the couch. Hannah settled quietly (finally!) on the couch at my feet and I slept well until 3:30 am. I’ve been awake since then but hope to nap as soon as I can take more meds. It’s almost time for more. I can’t sleep if I am in pain. Hannah is calmer today–at least so far
On a different note, JJ came home Wednesday night with his 90 day work review. He got almost perfect marks–I think he has a score of 96 out of a possible 100. I think the decrease was due to the state of the desk–crumbs and such–which all employees are being marked down for because the desk is shared. JJ is really excelling at his job. After 2 months of employment, he was just promoted to SGT. He said he is actually taking on the responsibilities of a lieutenant–making work schedules and training new employees–so I wouldn’t be surprised if he gets promoted again soon.
Oh! It’s time for more drugs…and hopefully a nap.
Update
I’m home. I survived surgery. It went well. I will write later.
The Billing Lady
I spent much of the morning doing laundry, washing dishes, and paying bills so we don’t have to bother with any of it right after my surgery. As directed, I called the surgical center early this afternoon to learn the time my surgery is scheduled for. I was told that I need to arrive at the surgical center at 9:45 am. The surgery will begin an hour later. Yes, it’s outpatient surgery. It seems as if every surgery is these days.
JJ had offered to take me tomorrow but the time of the surgery conflicts with his class. I believed he would have skipped class except he said that tomorrow is a presentation day and he will lose 15% of his final grade if he misses it. So I texted EJ at work and he was able to get the day off to take me. Whew!
JJ did well taking me to the specialist yesterday and he will take me to followup appointments in the coming weeks, but I am relieved that EJ will be with me for the surgery. He is my rock who makes me feel secure and he will be able to handle any problems or decisions that may arise.
I was even more relieved that EJ will be with me after the woman called from the billing department at the surgery center to discuss payment. Our medical insurance deductible has not yet been met for the year so we will need to pay for just about everything out-of-pocket. They want half paid tomorrow and the remainder paid within a year. And we will have medical bills from the emergency visit and who knows who else–it feels as if every doctor, appointment, test, and procedure is an additional separate expense. Of course, after the bill from the surgical center, the deductible will have been reached so the insurance company will pay 80% of future bills but the surgical center payment will be difficult in itself without anything extra added on. We are frugal, but medical bills have sucked us dry over the last few years. We had really good insurance when JJ had cancer, which paid for most of his treatment, but we still had to pay thousands in medical bills. We sold our RV and EJ sold some of his prize collections to help pay the bills.We were just getting to a place where we had a little extra money to pay down some other debt and maybe build up a little savings and now here we are again with more medical bills to pay.
I actually felt quite upbeat today until the billing lady called. She really sucked away my calm. I felt like telling her, “My arm is all messed up. I am in pain, I haven’t slept well, surgery is stressful…and you think that I need to worry about finances now on top of all that???” I realize that they do have to discuss payment but this doesn’t help me feel less stressed.
We will probably be ok. I just wish we could have some time to breathe without worries. I really, really, really wish I hadn’t fallen on the stupid ice. Sigh.
Surgical Plans
JJ drove me to the hand surgeon today. It was actually a consultation, not the surgery. EJ had been sick when he called to set up the appointment with the surgeon so I think he misunderstood. Sickness can sort of make the brain a bit fuzzy.
The hand surgery office was very pretty. I liked the exam room I was taken to. It had artistic photos of hands on the wall. They weren’t medical ones like in most doctor offices.
The surgeon was very friendly and comforting. She explained that I actually have THREE breaks, the knobby bone in my wrist was sheared off a bit, and my hand is bent backwards a little. Because of this, I need surgery to fix it. She will put a metal plate in my arm, which will be permanent. The surgery will be scheduled for Thursday–the day after tomorrow. I have to call tomorrow to find out the time. The surgeon said that I will have to arrive one hour before the surgery, the surgery will take about an hour, and then I’ll be in recovery for an hour before going home. If I understood correctly, my arm will be in a splint for two weeks, then I will have a cast for two weeks, and if the weather is still wintry, I will probably get another splint to provide protection. She said the cast/splint will not cover my fingers like my current splint so I will have more finger movement. I will have to have some physical therapy. The surgeon said that I will lose about 20 percent mobility. If my injury had been higher on the wrist I probably would have lost 50 percent.
The surgeon mentioned pain medication after surgery. I told her I’m in a lot of pain now, I’m out of the meds prescribed at the hospital, and I asked what meds I can take now to help. She wrote me the prescription today rather than wait until after the surgery so I can take some now. That was helpful because we will have the meds at home and won’t have to worry about getting to the pharmacy after the surgery–and maybe not having pain meds if we don’t get there in time. EJ went to pick up the meds this evening and I went with him. These pain meds are the same drug but twice as strong as those the ER doctor prescribed.
When EJ took me to the Emergency Room the day I fell–January 30–we were told that half of the people who had been coming to the hospital had fallen on the ice and broken bones. The hand surgeon said today that the number of people coming to them with injuries from falling on the ice on January 29-30 is more than they usually get in a three-month period. We told this to the pharmacist when we were paying for the meds and she rolled up her sleeve to show us her elbow that was badly bruised when she fell on the ice. Fortunately she didn’t break any bones. Those were two days of very treacherous ice.
JJ’s schedule is a bit more flexible than his Dad’s so offered to take me to get my surgery done as well as mt appointment two weeks later to get my cast. I thought that was sweet of him.
As soon as we can, we will let you know how the surgery went. I might not feel up to posting and EJ is not familiar with blogging so it might take a day or two. We will do our best.
Low Day
This afternoon my best friend called me to tell me that she and her husband had bought me an Amazon gift card to cheer me. She knows I love Amazon gift cards.
While we talked my friend asked me questions such as if I had to fast for the surgery, how long would the surgery take, and so on. I told her that I had no idea. She told me that was odd and I really needed to call to find out this information. I also thought it was strange that they hadn’t call to tell me these things, but this is the first broken bone I’ve ever had so how do I know what is “normal”? I thought that maybe surgery for broken bones needs to be done quickly before the bones begin to heal wrong. Mostly, though, I have been so nervous about the surgery and nauseous whenever I thought about it. I didn’t want to ask questions and be told very scary details. I still remember when I had to have sinus surgery years ago. The ENT described the surgery in great detail including everything that could go wrong. I was horrified and told him that I would rather not know and could he just tell EJ. The ENT had said he had to inform me of the risks.
So, seriously, I was scared to ask questions. But I called the hand specialist’s office this afternoon and told the receptionist that I have an appointment tomorrow but I don’t know what to expect. She said that there was nothing about surgery so it was probably just a consultation.
After we finished our conversation, I sat and cried. Because although I really dread the surgery, i had hope that the pain would begin to decrease afterwards and I could begin counting off 6-8 weeks to complete healing. To just have tomorrow be a consultation means the start of the countdown is delayed. The splint is uncomfortable, my pain is constant, even the smallest task takes exhausting effort, and I hate EJ having to do my chores when he has enough to do. Any delay feels like an eternity has been added to my sentence.
Today is a low day.
