I Love To Go A Gardening
Growing Our Life in Northern Michigan
JJ’s Northern Adventure
There’s really not much to do in our area and JJ never found a close friend who shares his interests. Over the years we’ve looked for interest or hobby groups but none were available. Last February we finally found a writing class offered through the community program at a public school in a nearby town. JJ was disappointed that he was the only student since he was hoping to meet people his age with similar interests. However, it turned out to be a blessing. The teacher was a writer and journalist who helped him with the book he is writing. She actually made few suggestions or corrections but encouraged him greatly. In fact, she felt he was such a wonderful writer that after the four-week class ended, she continued working with him at no charge. He called her last week to tell her that he wouldn’t be able to continue the class–I’ll describe the reason in the next paragraph. At their last session she hugged him, offered to be a job reference for him, gave him a $25 gift certificate to Barnes & Noble and a card in which she wrote, “Never forget you’re a wonderful writer! It’s been a joy working with you.” JJ was incredibly touched and encouraged.
Anyway, JJ was feeling bored, discouraged, and restless so I suggested he go up north with his Dad. He couldn’t go last week because he had to have his port flushed at the Cancer Center. We told the nurse flushing his port that we were moving to the Emerald City. She told us that while she wouldn’t want to live up there where it’s so cold and snowy in the winter, it’s a beautiful and amazing place. She said one winter she went there and the large waves of the nearby Great Lake had frozen. Crowds of people were walking onto the frozen lake and climbing the waves. When we got home, I look found pictures of it on the Internet. It’s beautifully amazing and I can’t wait to climb frozen waves in the winter.
Last Friday EJ arranged for a two-bed hotel room so JJ could stay with him. The receptionist didn’t even charge him extra for JJ, which I thought was nice.
When I suggested JJ join his Dad, EJ was working from 7 p.m. until 3:30 am., which is in sync with JJ’s night owl schedule. JJ would be still awake when EJ got home from work, they’d sleep at the same time, and then they could spend the day together. However, last week EJ began working first shift, which means their schedule is incompatible and JJ would be alone most of the day and spend only a few hours with EJ before he has to go to bed. I didn’t know how that would work. I encouraged JJ to not stay in his hotel room, but to explore and interact with people.
When they reached TC yesterday, EJ showed JJ where some of the main roads are located. We ordered a GPS from Amazon last weekend to help him (and later me) find our way in the area, but JJ won’t be able to get it until next weekend, so he has to learn his way this week. In many ways I think it’s beneficial to JJ because he can learn to find his own way and have his own adventures.
This morning JJ dropped EJ off at work and then he went exploring. He stopped at a restaurant for breakfast. He is keeping me updated on his adventures through text and phone calls. He told me, “I am terrified, but I am making myself be bold.” At the restaurant he talked to some of the locals, including the owner. JJ found out that the owner is scoutmaster and he told him he is an Eagle Scout. The owner gave JJ some suggestions about where to look for a job.
I found the location of the library on Google maps and told JJ where it was. The library in the town we live is very small. JJ was amazed that the library up north is HUGE and two stories and filled with all sorts of wonders and amazements. He sent me several texts:
“It is HEEEEAAAVEN!”
“Am now lost inside library.”
“They have copies of fav comic…”
“I am having fun”
“Talked to library peeps about card. I do need an address but, aw well, am awesome at the moment.”
“I am in natural element. This is so cooool!”
I couldn’t resist warning him to be careful of the shadows in the library, which is a reference to a Doctor Who episode in which the Doctor and his companion landed in the 51st century to visit the greatest library in the universe, encompassing an entire planet, but are baffled when they find it deserted. They discover the Vashta Nerada, carnivorous creatures living in the shadows, are responsible. All they have is one warning—count the shadows. After my warning to JJ, I told him that I was glad he was enjoying the library and to have fun with his exploring. He later called me to describe all the wonders he was discovering at the library. “This is the best library EVER!” He said books and movies can be borrowed or they can be downloaded onto computers and tablets. He told me that he can look out the window and see the Lake. “I also saw a poster for a Film Festival in the Emerald City!” he exclaimed. I told him that the Emerald City has lots of festivals and activities going on all the time. I suggested he ask the librarians if they knew of any writing groups. He did and said they weren’t aware of any, but they did have several Book Clubs meet in the library. JJ might explore those.
JJ said, “I finally know why you and Dad love Michigan so much. This is an awesome area and very beautiful. There is so much to do here! I love it!”
I love hearing about his adventures, but I mostly love hearing the delight, joy, and wonder in his voice. This move has been so good for my guys. Now they just need to get me up there.
They are working on it. Last week the realtor showed EJ a really nice house–which I mentioned in my last post. EJ says it’s the best place he has seen so far. The house is in the Enchanted Forest. It sits on a hill, surrounded by trees, and can’t be seen from the road. It’s on five acres, although some of the land includes deep gullies to either side, making only about 3 acres usable. That doesn’t bother us because EJ says that no one will ever be able to build right next to us, which gives us space and privacy. I think of it as being a castle with a moat around it. There’s lots of storage, including a pantry that is bigger than our current kitchen. The carpet could use replacing, and we’d paint the walls to colors we prefer, but otherwise it’s move-in ready. The garage is as big as the house so EJ would have an awesome shop. It sounds perfect.
EJ wrote an offer after he saw the house. The house is about $5,000 more than we are qualified for so we offered less. The problem is that the sellers still owe about that much on the house, which means they cannot lower their price. We really wanted a less expensive house, but EJ says this house is more than worth the price. So he has to talk to our loan person at the bank and see what we can do, and then decide whether to get the house or look for another. The price makes me a bit nervous, but the house is a good one and I really want to join my family.
So we shall see what happens next.
Much and Nothing
I haven’t written for almost two weeks! In that time, it feels as if life has been filled with busyness and with many ups and downs–and yet not a lot has changed. Yet.
JJ was sick last week. He felt miserable for a few days but he’s already pretty much over it. I, on the other hand, am still coughing, gagging on phlegm, and struggling to feel motivated after more than three weeks. This sickness has been awful.
Spring is slowly arriving. The temperatures are gradually creeping in, I see tiny buds on the lilac bush, the Robins are back (which is one of the signs of Spring in our area) and we are getting rain instead of snow. The weather was warm and nice on Monday so I made myself go out and do yard work. I made a lot of progress, but it’s rained every day since so I haven’t gotten back outside. Today I can hear the wind howling outside. We have high wind advisories.
It’s been over 20 years since EJ and I moved into our current house, and I had forgotten what an ordeal finding and buying a house is. We looked for a house for 18 months before we found our house. We don’t have that sort of time to find a house this time. We miss each other too much and living in a motel is too expensive.
Our search for a house near the Emerald City has been filled with ups and downs and hopes and disappointments. First, we made an offer on the house in the Enchanted Forest. The sellers verbally accepted it and then changed their minds before they signed anything. EJ was actually relieved because he thought the house was too old. A week later, we found a quirky house on 10 acres in a beautiful area on the other side of the Emerald City. EJ loved it. He arranged to look at it with the realtor, declaring that if it didn’t have major problems he was going to make an offer. The pictures on the real estate site must have been taken several years ago, however, because they looked a lot better than the house did. EJ said the house was a money pit. Next, we found a house that was perfect: in good condition, on 5 acres, with a wonderful garage, in a beautiful setting, at just the right distance from work. Although EJ quickly arranged to see it with the realtor, it was sold before he got out of work. It had been on the market for less than a day. Bummer.
Yesterday EJ looked at another house with the realtor not too far from the first house. EJ said it looked really good and he’s going to make an offer on it. It’s actually too expensive, but it’s been on the market for 80 days and the listing says that the seller is “very motivated” so and EJ is going to offer less and see if we can get it. We shall see how that goes. I’m trying not to get too attached to it, but whenever we find a house that we consider buying, I begin to imagine moving and living there which makes it a disappointment when we don’t get the house.
Last week EJ’s sister and her husband visited him in the Emerald City. They live only a couple of hours away. She called me later and said that EJ was really looking good–much less gray and sick. I have also noticed that he is healthier and happier. That makes the move worth the difficulties and risks we are taking.
Now we are working at getting JJ up there so he can also thrive. JJ has been feeling restless, feeling that he ought to be getting on with his life. Having a major disease like cancer really takes a toll on a person both physically and emotionally–as well as on his family. I actually think that the last year has been emotionally more difficult for us than going through the actual cancer treatment. During the treatments, we lived in the moment and did what we had to do when we had to do it. We pushed weariness aside. After the treatments were finished, we physically and emotionally crashed. I see it as a good sign that JJ is now getting restless to get back into life. We decided that he could join his Dad and start looking for a job. Transportation might be tricky because they will have only one vehicle between them, but they can work it out somehow. Once JJ saves a little money, he can buy his own vehicle. He needs to get a four-wheel drive vehicle to handle the winter weather up there. It will be more expensive with JJ living up there, but if they have to, he and his Dad will find a monthly apartment/cabin to rent, which will be cheaper than motels.
I long to join them, but I need to stay down here and take care of the pets and bills and stuff. I will also have to find a new oncologist for JJ up there. I’m hoping and praying we find our house SOON so we can all be together.
The Journey to the Enchanted Forest
We are all in various stages of this respiratory infection. It’s been a terrible sickness in which we’ve had nightmares, periods of chills and sweats, terrible deep coughs, loss of voice, lethargy, and other symptoms. After a month, EJ is mostly healthy, although he still has a bit of a cough. After almost two weeks, I am finally beginning to feel better, although my cough is still terrible and wakes me in the night. JJ is currently at the lowest point, feeling absolutely miserable, cough, and vomiting mucous. This sickness has been awful.
EJ comes home from the Emerald City every Saturday morning and leaves on Sunday afternoon. We are always excited to see him. EJ said that when he came through the door this last Saturday, Kee Kee loudly scolded him for being away.
Last Wednesday we wrote an offer on the house in the Enchanted Forest. We didn’t hear anything until Saturday morning, when the sellers wrote a counter-offer and we wrote a counter-offer to their counter-offer. We waited and waited and didn’t hear anything. EJ began to wonder if we should have accepted the counter offer and then he began to wonder if we actually wanted the house at all. It has almost everything we are looking for except that it is an older manufactured house.
The Emerald City/Enchanted Forest area is a highly desired area. It’s hard to find a house that suits us. We wanted a one story house on a few acres that didn’t need much work, wasn’t too expensive, and was not too close to the city where prices and taxes are high–but not too far either because the area gets tons of snow and winter driving can be a challenge. We thought we might need to compromise some of our desires, but the thought of living close to neighbors made me (us) felt claustrophobic, and our current house is a fixer upper and it feels as if we are always pouring money and effort into it and still can’t keep up. We don’t want a too expensive house because we’d like someday to get debt-free. I looked at houses that were $50,000 more than we really felt comfortable buying and still didn’t find houses that we liked. When we crossed off all the houses on the real estate sites, we were always, always left with the house in the Enchanted Forest.
It turns out that the sellers are older and don’t have computers or email–and maybe not cell phones?–so they were hard to reach. They accepted our counter offer which means the house is OURS. Well, IF it passes inspections, and the financing goes through ok, and all that. I don’t like to count my chickens before they are hatched. As the old adage says, “it ain’t over till the fat lady sings–and all the other appropriate metaphors to express that I won’t really consider the house ours until all the obstacles are overcome and we have the keys in our hands.
Now I fluctuate between anxiety (“Oh, my goodness, what have we done???”) to joy and excitement–mostly joy and excitement.
The anxiety comes because it’s such a huge scary risk for us, and we can see all the ways it can end in complete disaster. I find that circumstances often bring a person–or at least me–to confront insecurities, anxieties, and fears. In addition, people who have suffered from abuse often struggle with fear of risk and failure, second-guessing, and need for security. Taking such a huge financial risk has made me confront these types of fears. I don’t think that is a bad thing–because often strength grows when fears are confronted and overcome. It’s only bad if the fear wins. Our journey to the Emerald City and the Enchanted Forest is in many ways an emotional and spiritual journey. It involves facing anxiety, letting go of security and taking risk in order to grow.
Still, it’s not easy. I don’t know if we would have taken such risks if life wasn’t becoming intolerable. EJ’s old job was abusively stressful. The company fired people often so everyone lived under the threat of losing their jobs. EJ had to lift heavy parts and crawl into machines, which was very bad for his back. The smoky factory was affecting his lungs and the coolant was eating his skin. EJ was often exhausted and in great pain when he was home. Also, EJ grew up on a farm so he found living in town difficult.
We currently life close to my abusive family. I’ve become weary of the turmoil they have caused. I no longer seek contact with them, but occasionally they contact me and it’s always negative. I don’t fear them, but their closeness and the possibility of unexpected encounters feels psychologically burdening. I long to get out of reach of contact. Also, I want to live in a beautiful area where I can enjoy nature and where the sky is not blocked by houses and the stars are not drowned by light pollution. We always go outside to look at meteorite showers, but it’s been years since I’ve seen any meteorites streaking across the night sky.
And JJ, also, is wearied and wants a new beginning. We have all felt as if our spirits couldn’t breathe and if we didn’t make changes NOW, we’d merely “live lives of quiet desperation” until we died. Sounds melodramatic, I know, but that’s how it felt.
So far the changes are good and it feels as if we are coming back to life and that is so exciting.
EJ says his new job is probably the most challenging job he’s ever had. However, it’s also the best job he’s ever had. The factory is not smoky, not noisy, and EJ never has to lift heavy parts. He has taken only one pain pill since he’s been at the new job. The coolant doesn’t eat his skin. Although the sickness he had was terrible, it caused him to cough up the magnesium dust he had breathed in the old factory for 17 years, ridding his lungs of it.
Saturday evening EJ and I heard there was a possibility to see the Northern Lights, so we went outside. We could hardly see any stars in the light-washed sky. EJ said that in the new area, the towns are like outposts of civilization surrounded by wilderness. Because of the vast forests and huge lakes, there aren’t many lights so the sky is the blackest black imaginable and the stars are so many and bright and close that it seems like he can reach up and touch them.
He said our new house is located “in a little valley, like a delicious sublime secret.” There are many state forests in the area and several nature/wildlife sanctuaries located nearby. There are deer, foxes, wolves, bald eagles, martens, fishers, weasels, a possibility of bears, and all sorts of other wildlife in the area.
It sounds enchanting, and well worth the risks, obstacles, and dangers we must encounter to reach it. Sometimes it’s worth throwing caution to the wind and reaching for the dream. I really can’t wait to get there. I’m so excited!
Offer
I am beginning my second week of being sick with the nasty respiratory infection that EJ gave me. He was sick with it for at least two weeks, so I kind of expect the same. I am very congested, swimmy-headed, and tired, and I have a nasty cough which wakes me every few hours throughout the night. Usually I start out sleeping in my bed but then move downstairs to sleep propped up in EJ’s lazy-boy chair. During the day I get the tasks done that I absolutely need to get done and then I doze in the lazy-boy. It’s awful.
A couple of days ago JJ started coming down with the sickness too. He doesn’t seem to have it so bad (yet) and is complaining mostly of a headache and an earache.
After searching and discussing and searching and discussing, EJ and I finally decided that the house in the Enchanted Forest is the one that best met our needs so we are putting an offer on the house. I don’t know how it’s done in other countries, but in the USA it means that we present to the seller the price, terms we are willing to offer for the house and then they can either present a counter-offer, reject it, or accept it. The terms/conditions are usually that we will buy the house if the surveys and inspections are favorable and we can get financing. Buyers can also ask that problems are fixed or that the seller pay for some of the closing costs or inspections–anything. If the sellers accept the offer, then the inspections and surveys will be done and all that.
EJ says that it’s really quiet and peaceful in the Enchanted Forest. I am really excited about moving there. I can’t wait to see darker skies and more stars and northern lights. I can’t wait to settle into a new area with wonderful natural beauty.
But it’s also scary too. We are taking a huge risk in making these changes. I’m a Hobbit and adventurous change is scary.
But then I think of EJ telling me that he is really enjoying his new job and doing well at it. And he says that he has only had to take his pain killers once since he’s been working in the Emerald City–instead of every day. He is so much more happier than he has been in the soul-crushing struggle down here.
And that makes it all worth the risk.
There’s No Place Like Home
JJ and my packing came to an abrupt stop until the middle of last week when I got sick. I think I probably caught EJ’s respiratory infection when he came home the weekend before. I think catching his infection was a small price to pay for having him home for the weekend. Still, I have felt quite miserable with terrible congestion and cough. And during last night, I lost my voice which makes it hard to communicate.
EJ came home again this weekend. He gets out of work at 3 a.m. and he left immediately for home, getting here about 8:30 a.m. It is always wonderful to have him home but we miss each other so much that it’s getting more difficult to let him leave. JJ’s birthday was Saturday. We let him choose a gift from Amazon and got take out pizza from Little Caesars. None of us were feeling well, but we didn’t want to skip JJ’s birthday. It all seemed kind of pathetic though. But we told JJ that when we get to the Emerald City, we will buy celebrate more thoroughly.
We are anxious to find a house so that we can join EJ. Besides missing each other terribly, living apart is expensive and we don’t want to fritter away our savings. It doesn’t help that EJ’s old company canceled our insurance the day he left, instead of paying the insurance to the end of the month in which he quit, which they have always done before. EJ has work hard and faithfully at the company for 17 years and it just seems especially nasty that they did this to him. It will cost us more than $1,000 extra to pay for COBRA for the extra month because they did this. EJ is actually considering looking into whether it’s legal for them to do this. If it’s not, he might file a complaint. Doing such things is not our usually style (as in, we never make a fuss) but the company is so terrible to its employees that it might be worth pursuing. I tried to look at whether it’s legal on-line but I get different answers. We do know that if the employee handbook states that they pay for insurance coverage until the end of the month, we do have basis for a complaint. We are rather disgusted with the company.
By the way, he is really enjoying the new company. EJ says this appears to be the best company he has ever worked for.
Anyway, EJ, JJ and I are anxious to be together in the Emerald City and he is anxious for us to join him too. We keep looking and looking for houses but none is exactly right. We keep wondering which of our “requirements” we can compromise on, but we really can’t bear to have neighbors who are too close, or to have too little land, or to have a house that is too far away, or that requires too much work, or is too expensive, or some other thing that makes it unacceptable. It’s not all just “want.” A house that is too far away will take longer to drive, put more wear and tear on the vehicles, be expensive if gas goes up, and will take JJ away from the college activities and friendships. Living in a town or on too little land means EJ and I sacrifice our dream of having space. After living in town for so many years, the thought of having neighbors too close makes me feel claustrophobic. And EJ hasn’t been happy living in town. And so on.
The house that seems to best suits are needs is the one in the Enchanted Forest. It has five acres near beautiful nature areas. It’s not terribly far from the Emerald City and is quite near a town that is large enough so JJ could easily get a job and we could get groceries. It’s practically perfect. EJ said he saw nothing about the house that caused him concern except that it’s a manufactured house that was built in the 80’s. He thinks that it’s a bit too old. In 20 years, it will be a 50-year-old manufactured house and it’s value will probably have decreased. He says that a good quality manufactured house might not be as good quality as a house manufactured later. I, also, would prefer a regular site-built house, but I think most of them are out of reach financially–or have too little land, etc. EJ’s co-workers tell him that there are a lot of manufactured houses near the Emerald City. So do we risk this one or risk being apart longer and maybe frittering away our money on motel rooms, which will get more expensive when tourist season hits?
Sigh.
EJ and I have to decide what to do soon, but it’s really difficult to know what to do.
Maybe I should click my heels together three times and repeat, “There’s no place like home…” It worked for Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz.
The Enchanted Forest
EJ came home for the weekend. He got home from on Saturday afternoon and left on Sunday afternoon. It was so wonderful to see him! We went to the store together and EJ encountered a couple of his former co-workers. The joy on his face as he talked about his new job was a delight to me. He exclaimed that there is no smoke at his new company, no heavy parts to lift, and it’s not terribly noisy. Plus, he works with some nice people. I haven’t heard such joy for quite some time.
We stopped at the pharmacy so EJ could pick up a prescription. We found out when we tried to pay for the medication that EJ’s former company had canceled our insurance on the day he left the company. Usually they provide insurance until the end of the month, but when EJ called them this morning, he was told they don’t do that anymore. So now we have to buy COBRA until EJ gets regular insurance after he has worked at the new company for 90 days. I’m so glad he is out of the old company.
This morning I drove JJ to visit his oncologist for his three-month checkup. Everything is clear. The oncologist said that he thinks the shadow on the CT scan was scar tissue–and they will keep an eye on that. We told him that we were in the process of moving to the Emerald City. He said that we could have the CT scans and lab work done up there and just come down for the follow-up visits. Or, if we preferred, he would recommend a good oncologist up near the Emerald City. We told him we’d let him know.
While EJ was home, we looked at and discussed the houses on real estate websites together. We decided against the one he was planning to look at because EJ’s new co-workers had advised him against the area. Also, the realtor had said that since the house was a foreclosure, banks might be reluctant to finance it. We finally decided on a house that has been on our “possibilities list” for a few weeks. EJ was tempted to cross it off when he heard that there was going to be road construction on the route he’d take to work each day and also that it would get clogged with tourists during the summer. However, I reminded him that the construction would be temporary and there would be lots of tourists no matter where we lived up there. This house was absolutely the best house I had seen for the price. I liked the place and it wasn’t a foreclosure.
EJ met a realtor this morning at the house. He said it looks really nice. It’s on five acres surrounded by trees. He said the setting is so beautiful that he didn’t want to leave it. He took a wrong turn driving there (or maybe driving away from it) and ended up having to almost four-wheel on the road so he said getting four-wheeled vehicles would be a must. We already have the Xterra, but we’d need to replace the HHR with a four-wheel vehicle. The roads get plowed in the winter, which is a necessity since there’s lots of snow there. The realtor would actually be a neighbor. Here are pictures of the house:
EJ talked to a mortgage person on the phone when he got back to the hotel. He asked me to fax some documents to her and he will meet with her tomorrow morning. If we get a pre-approval, EJ will write an offer for the house. I really pray we get this house. The area is beautiful! We could watch stars, and meteorite showers, and the northern lights. We could enjoy storms rolling in. We could see wonderful birds and other wildlife. We would be not far from lakes.
EJ said that it’s amazing to him that the towns are like little outposts surrounded by wilderness. He said he’d make sure we all had smartphones so that we had GPS.
I told EJ that he might work in the Emerald City, but if we get this house, we’d live at the edge of the Enchanted Forest.
I’m so excited.
Possibilities
We are making good progress packing up the house. All the rooms, closets, and drawers are nearly empty except for the kitchen and bathroom. I am leaving those for last. After that I will have to work on the back porch and basement. I’m not sure how much progress I can make on the basement, but I want to at least get started. I also want to do a little yard work. I have so much to do.
The only room in the house that is getting more full instead of more empty is the living room. I have pushed all the living room furniture to one end of the room. At the other end, boxes are creeping away from the wall and consuming floor space like a monster. Poor Danny has less and less room to navigate. However, Kee Kee loves to sleep in empty boxes and Timmy and Little Bear are enjoying climbing the mountains of boxes and hiding in nooks and crannies. Luke just enjoys cuddling with JJ.
It’s rather interesting watching our lives get reduced to boxes in the living room.
As rooms empty and boxes accumulate, JJ says he is getting really excited. He sort of fluctuates between excitement and nervousness. I mean, what if it’s not a change for the better? What if he doesn’t find friends? I told him that we know what to expect where we now live, but the really wonderful thing about the move is the possibilities it opens up for us. We have a chance at a new beginning–we will have no personal history up there and the future is filled with mysterious possibilities to explore. It’s like the poem Bilbo Baggins recited in The Lord of the Rings:
The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way,
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say.
And there’s also a different version of the poem that Bilbo first recited in The Hobbit. This version reminds me of the many places of natural beauty we can explore in the new location.
Roads go ever ever on,
Over rock and under tree,
By caves where never sun has shone,
By streams that never find the sea;
Over snow by winter sown,
And through the merry flowers of June,
Over grass and over stone,
And under mountains in the moon.
Roads go ever ever on
Under cloud and under star,
Yet feet that wandering have gone
Turn at last to home afar.
Eyes that fire and sword have seen
And horror in the halls of stone
Look at last on meadows green
And trees and hills they long have known.
Last week when EJ and I opened new accounts at the bank with branches both here and there, Anne, the Branch Financial Sales Consultant, told me that she would help me set up on-line banking once the accounts were all set up and we had received our ATM cards. I finally had time yesterday so I drove into the bank. (Ok, I didn’t really drive “into” the bank, but into the town to where the bank is.) Anne was busy but the branch manager sat down with me and helped me set up the on-line banking and learn to use their ATM. I felt a bit like an old lady who needs her grandchildren to teach her how to turn on the DVD player, but I have never done on-line banking before and we almost never use an ATM. These newfangled technologies change all time so it was good to get updated. I think it will be handy to do on-line banking with EJ living in one place and we in another.
When I look at real estate sites, especially those with maps, I think “Somewhere in this area is our new home.” That is exciting. I don’t particularly enjoy packing up a lifetime of possessions in our old house, but I get excited at the thought of unpacking and settling in a new home. Building the new is more enjoyable than deconstructing the old, I think.
Yesterday afternoon EJ drove to a couple of possible houses that we had found on real estate sites.
The first house was a foreclosure on 8 acres selling for $54,000. In 2011 it had sold for $176,000. The realtor had told EJ that it was a tremendous bargain. EJ couldn’t find the house so he called me. I’m EJ’s “hero support”–when he needs info or directions, he calls me and I looked it up on the Internet. I saw that the house–as well as a few others–was actually on a drive off the main road. EJ said the actual road was a private road and very rough–a person almost needed four-wheel drive to travel on it. He decided not to try to go on the smaller drive. He said it was too wild of an area and the road too rough and “adventurous” so we crossed the house off our list.
The next house he drove to is actually his favorite of the houses available on the real estate sites. It is a house on 3.7 acres for $65,000. It has a basement, garage, and two pole barns. I think the kitchen is cheerful. EJ said the place and the neighborhood looks nice. He called the realtor and made an appointment to look at it on Monday. The problem is that the house is a foreclosed manufactured house so it might be difficult to get financing. Also, it is sold “as is” which is sort of scary.
We are hoping to find a three bedroom house that isn’t too close to the Emerald City (where the taxes are higher). However, because the area gets tons of snow, we don’t want to live too far away either. In the summer, there also will be lots of tourists which will increase traffic and could make getting to work time-consuming. I told EJ to remember that summer is “tourist season” and he doesn’t even need a license. JJ laughed and said that I was very terrible.
EJ grew up on a farm so living in a town has felt too restrictive to him. I also want to have more space. Therefore, we want to have at least a couple of acres–more would be better. We’d like a finished basement or a garage–or both–so EJ has room for his “guy stuff.” We don’t have that in our current house and it’s been a frustration because EJ has no area to putter. We also don’t want a house that will need a ton of work. We are moving to “vacation” area so when EJ is not working, we’d like to be able to enjoy our surroundings rather than have to always work on a house. However, we would like to have a chance at being debt-free so we don’t want a really expensive house. It’s difficult to find a house that fits all these parameters. I know, I know, we could loosen our restrictions, and we have looked at houses with less land or for more money. But having a small lot feels intolerable and slightly more expensive houses (up to $110,000) don’t look much better than the less expensive houses. We do find houses, but they are usually either manufactured houses or foreclosures. We don’t mind either, but we are unsure how to get financing because sometimes banks are reluctant to loan money for them. That’s one thing EJ will need to discuss with the loan person up in the Emerald City. We probably could find a good house if we had time, but it’s expensive for EJ to live in motels and we all want to be together again ASAP. We are praying that God helps us to quickly find the house that is “just right.”
EJ is driving down today to spend time with us. He should arrive at mid-afternoon. He will return to the Emerald City on Sunday. I can’t wait to see him.
The Saga Continues
The saga of our move continues…
I’ve been spending my days packing. I’m trying to get everything packed as soon as possible so we will be ready to move as soon as EJ finds us a house. Upstairs we have the library all packed, most of JJ’s room packed, and a good start on our master bedroom. Downstairs the media closet under the stairs is emptied, as well as the china cabinet, desks, and end table drawers. I will pack the kitchen and bathroom last–and only the nonessential things. Then we can start on the back porch and basement. Ugh. Not looking forward to those.
JJ has been very helpful to me as we pack. He carries items for me to pack and then carries then moves the filled boxes where I direct. Three times this week we have gone to Meijers, a store somewhat like Wal-mart, for more boxes. We have developed a system: We first shop for items we need, such as plastic totes. We are putting our more precious items like picture albums, extra-special books, and breakable keepsakes in the totes where they will be more protected. After we buy the items, we take them out to the car, and then return to the store. We go to the produce section, find a produce employee, and beg for empty boxes. They are always really friendly and they cheerfully go in the back rooms and return with a large double-decker cart full of empty apple and banana boxes. While JJ pulls the cart through the store, I hurry to the car and drive it up to the door. Then we stuff the car full of as many boxes as it can hold. Then JJ returns the cart and off we go home to back.
EJ has had a tough first week at his new job. Besides starting a new job, which I think is always overwhelming, he has been very sick. He said this is his in his top 5 list of “The Sickest I’ve Ever Been.”
And then last night EJ texted me that he had to have some documents and if he didn’t have them, he “couldn’t be here.” Seriously? You have got to be kidding! I didn’t know if that meant he couldn’t return to work until he had them or that he’d be fired. I had packed all the desks and drawers and important papers just the day before, so I wasn’t sure where to find the documents. So I unpacked boxes and went through all the paperwork, and found one but not the other. I continued my search this morning but couldn’t find the second document. Yikes! I saw our dreams disappearing!
As soon as EJ got out of work at 3 a.m., he started driving for home to retrieve the one document I found. He got home at about 8:30 a.m. It was really good to see him!!!!! He slept for a few hours. He had hardly slept all week because he was so sick. When he woke, I made him steak and eggs. He told me then that he only needed one or the other document, not both. Whew! He turned in the paperwork to the HR department and, since he hadn’t slept for about 25 hours, they said he didn’t have to come in to work tonight.
I’m so totally ready for less drama in our lives. There has been so many I almost crises in our lives that JJ and I keep quoting from a scene from The Emperor’s New Groove:
Uh-oh.
Don’t tell me. We’re about to go over a huge waterfall.
Yep.
Sharp rocks at the bottom?
Most likely.
Bring it on.
After EJ left, I drove JJ to the city to get his blood drawn in preparation for his appointment with his oncologist on Monday. JJ told me as we drove along that his Scoutmaster had said that the troop would help us load the vehicles when we were ready to move. I thought that was really nice.
We are totally excited about moving, but I recognize that there are also people in this area that we will miss.
JJ and I were really tired when we got home today so after we ate, we decided to take naps. JJ fell asleep right away, but I couldn’t sleep so I decided to take Danny for a walk. My poor dog hasn’t had a walk in a long time. February was filled with sub-zero temperatures and even lower windchills so I didn’t want to take him out. Also, there was a lot of ice making sidewalks and roads very slippery and both Danny and I often slipped. This last week the temperatures have skyrocketed and a lot of the snow has melted. There are huge patches of green. However, I have been so busy packing that I didn’t have time or energy to walk Danny. Today was so nice, though, and I feel sorry for Danny because as we pack more and more of the house, the boxes are taking up more floor space, so now JJ, Danny, the cats, and I have to navigate through a maze. Ok, not quite that bad, but it’s getting pretty crowded. I felt sorry for Danny so I took him for a walk. It was really nice to get outside. Danny was excited about his walk. Even though it’s only in the 40s, it felt very Springlike and kids were out in short sleeves playing basketball.
The sparrows are beginning to build their nests in the birdhouses. I really want to take the birdhouses with us, but I do not want to be responsible for the deaths of baby birds. I might have to leave them unless I can take them down after one group of babies have left the nest and the parents lay more eggs.
Separation
This morning my dear hubby drove off to the Emerald City. I missed him before he even left and I teared up as he drove away. Except for a few days when he was off hunting, we have never been apart. I really miss him.
I’m very concerned for EJ because he is feeling quite sick, but he can’t be sick because he starts his new job tomorrow. Please pray that he will feel better by tomorrow so he can start his new job with a strong body and a clear mind. I know that it’s difficult to be the “new guy” and that first weeks can be difficult. I am praying this week will go well and that this company will be wonderful to work for. I am also praying EJ can find us a house quickly so we can join him soon.
To help me not miss EJ so much, I am keeping busy. I have tons to do.
After EJ drove away, JJ and I drove to a large grocery store. At EJ’s suggestion, we bought some plastic totes to protect our more precious books and picture albums. I also bought a couple banker boxes for the important papers in our file cabinet. Well, sort of. I couldn’t find any banker’s boxes, so I asked a store employee and she didn’t know what they were. She led me to some little safes. She finally found me an older store employee were knew what they were. After searching and checking with another employee, he told me that they used to have banker’s boxes but they didn’t have them anymore. So I went back to the aisle where I got the totes and we found some plastic boxes made especially for files. That worked.
After we purchased our totes and carried them out to the car, we returned to find some free empty boxes. We started out at the Customer service desk and the woman there directed us to the deli, and the woman there told us that the produce department and really good, strong boxes. When we asked the employee in the produce department, he went back into the stores innards, and pulled out a huge cart filled with many boxes. He said we could take the cart to our car and take the boxes we wanted. So we pulled the cart through the store and JJ waited just inside the store with the cart while I pulled the car up. Then we loaded the boxes into the car. Thanks to JJ’s efforts, we were able to get ten boxes into the car in addition to the plastic totes. JJ pulled cart with the remaining boxes back into the store intended to take them back to the produce man, but the greeter said she’d take care of it.
Once we reached home, we ate lunch and then JJ emptied the books on the three bookcases in his room. He got tired of bringing them down by the armloads so I gave him a laundry basket to fill and bring down. I fit the books he brought down into the boxes, along with the books filling the china cabinet and the closet under the stairs. We have now finished packing all the books, except for the cookbooks in the kitchen. We didn’t count, but I think we have about 50 or 60 boxes of books.
Next we will begin packing other stuff. Packing up a house feels overwhelming. I’d much rather unpack it all.
I really miss EJ.
Busy
We have been very, very busy.
Yesterday morning EJ and I drove to the city to buy him new machinist tools. Machinists always have their own tools. I felt as if we were buy him supplies for the first day of school.
On the way home, we stopped at the grocery store to see if they had any more boxes, but they didn’t. We stopped at our little gas station store and they said they only have boxes on Tuesday. A few FB friends suggested asking a liquor store for boxes–their boxes tend to be very sturdy, they said. So I called the local store and was told they had lots. JJ and I made two trips and brought home 2-3 dozen boxes. We spent some time packing books. Mostly JJ brought armloads of books downstairs and I packed them. We worked all today and finally got all the books in the library packed. Now we have the books from JJ’s room, which fills three bookcases, as well as the books in the china cabinet downstairs. I think we are going to have to rent a moving van just for the books. I have decided that a person can NEVER have too many books….UNLESS they are moving.
While we packed, the cats went racing around the house, always seeming to know where they’d be most in the way.
Earlier this afternoon a co-worker–well, now a former co-worker–stopped by and took away our TV. Last April the screen went dark and we just didn’t care about getting it fixed. The guy thinks it’s something minor so we gave it to him. Just one less than to have to try to move.
Yesterday was EJ’s last day at the old job. He came home early–mostly because he wasn’t feeling well. He was going to try to finish more drywalling–maybe to the point where I could paint, but he is feeling really miserable. I hope he can get to feeling really soon because tomorrow he has to make the long drive to the new location and start the new job on Monday. It’s going to be tough enough starting a job without being sick. I’m rather concerned about him. Please keep him in your prayers.
I will be so glad when EJ is settled in his new job and we are settled in the new location. The transition is not fun.
The (Im)possible Dream
We have had very cold days for the last month or so. Occasionally we’d have a slightly warmer day and the snow would melt just enough to make everything slippery when the temperatures dropped again. A couple of times we had freezing rain or drizzle. We didn’t have a huge ice storm or anything but was enough to make it slippery. A few days ago we had a freezing drizzle which formed a hard glaze over the snow. I’ve never seen anything quite like it. It was really pretty. I tried to take pictures, but they don’t do it justice. You can see the shiny glaze if you click on the pictures.
Because it has been so cold and slippery outside, poor Danny hasn’t gotten many walks lately.
EJ and I were very busy today. Every day is packed with things to do. After weeks of difficulties, now the things we need to get done seem to be moving more smoothly. It’s a relief.
This morning we opened a checking account in a bank that has branches here and also up in the Emerald City so both EJ and I can access our funds. It was EJ’s brilliant idea. We also were able to talk to a loan officer this morning and get pre-approval for a loan. That makes it easier and quicker to buy a house.
After we were done at the bank, we stopped at the grocery store for a few items. I was able to get a few empty boxes so we could begin packing. In the USA, we stores let people have the boxes that once held produce and other items. All we have to do is ask. We will need to have lots and lots of boxes.
A couple of weeks ago EJ and I started to pack our books. After we had filled the boxes, we realized that the boxes were heavy and it was going to be a chore to carry the boxes downstairs. So we decided it would be easier to just bring the books downstairs to fill the boxes. JJ helped me bring the heavy already-filled boxes downstairs and then I brought and then I filled the boxes we got today. I thought I’d get the books packed first since we won’t really have time to read them until after we get settled. We have about 9 bookcases upstairs with books double-shelved and also piled on top of other books. We also have a china cabinet downstairs crammed with books instead of china.
I think the Emerald City still feels like a dream. However, with every task we complete, it feels less like an impossible dream and more like a possible one. Thinking about impossible dreams made me think of an old song called “The Impossible Dream”:
A Tale of Two Stories
This morning EJ and I finalized financial matters so we have money for the move to the Emerald City.
EJ also selected a motel and reserved a room for next week when he begins his new job. He is going without us because it would be too expensive for us to all stay in the motel. EJ and I have never been apart from each other for more than a week–when he went up North during deer season–so being apart will be difficult. However, while he’s up there, he will search for a house for us so we can join him as soon as possible. Meanwhile JJ and I will stay home to care for the pets and start packing.
We have so much to do. I wish that we could have gotten all the projects done–but we have run out of time and will just have to work on the projects when we can. Everything has gone so fast. From the time that EJ first put his resume on the Internet until now has been about a month.
I feel as if we have somehow stepped into two different fairy tales.
The first is the story of The Hobbit. I love an article by Susan Morris that I found today at omnivoracious.com. The article begins:
Hobbits are very concerned about the idea of adventure. As Bilbo said, adventures are “Nasty disturbing uncomfortable things! Make you late for dinner!” And I can’t say I much disagree! You have to be a little bit cracked to want to go on an adventure. Think about it. If you had the choice between a comfortable life where you have all the jammy muffins and frosted scones you could wish for, a warm home filled with creature comforts, a strong community–and sleeping outside on the rocky ground in the cold rain eating what sour berries you come across (and perhaps a mangy squirrel if you’re lucky), risking life, limb, and happiness to accomplish some goal you think is for the greater good, which would you choose?
“Sorry! I don’t want any adventures, thank you. Not today. Good morning!”
But somehow, something “Tookish” wakes in us, and we wish to see great mountains, hear pine trees and waterfalls, explore caves, and trade our walking sticks for swords. And more than that, we actually do it. Drawn into adventure–into risking it all–against our better judgment. So what drives us reluctant heroes to abandon elevensies in favor of hard tack…?
EJ and I are both very Hobbit-ish in that we have a love of family and the coziness of home. but I think we must have a bit of Took in us. The Tooks were a branch of the Baggins family who enjoyed going off on adventures.
I think that we would have been content to have no adventures at all if it weren’t that we became so tired of battling wicked witches, flying monkeys, evil apple trees in gloomy forests, and enchanted soldiers that we found ourselves falling asleep in the poppy field. Especially since JJ’s battle with cancer, we felt so weary that we were in danger of falling asleep in an enchanted field of poppies. We thought, “If we don’t wake up now, we might never wake up.”
So we told God that we wanted to go on an adventure–probably it was actually God’s idea to drag us out of our sleep–and we began our journey along the yellow brick road to the Emerald City, which is our dream destination.
In every telling of the great stories, the Hero’s Journey, the Hero must take leave of what has been comfortable and normal for him or her. We must do this as well when we strike out on a new adventure, and awaken from slumber to the quest. ~ Matt Ragland, 12 Quotes and Lessons From The Hobbit
It’s all kind of scary, but something “Tookish” woke in us, and we wish to see hear pine trees and waterfalls, explore caves, see the stars and northern lights…And more than that, we are actually doing it. Drawn into adventure–into risking it all–against our better judgment...Before, we all felt as if we were merely existing, plodding through our days, but as we go off on our adventure to the Emerald City, in the midst of the stress and scary things, we echo Bilbo Baggins’ words,
“Go back? No good at all! Go sideways? Impossible! Go forward? Only thing to do! On we go!” So up he got, and trotted along with his little sword held in front of him and one hand feeling the wall, and his heart all of a patter and a pitter.
It’s rewarding to see excitement seeping back into our eyes. With each hurdle that we overcome, we exclaim, “I can’t believe this is really happening! WOOT!”
Several years ago, I was thinking about The Hobbit and adventures and I wrote a couple of poems. It seems appropriate to share them here. The first poem is about a reluctant traveler who fearfully goes off on an adventure.
The Adventurer
Content to read books
Of knights on great quests
It’s not that I mind
Adventures or danger
Or travel to lands
That grow ever stranger
I’ll gladly climb mountains
And sail stormy seas
If I’m able to do it
While sipping hot tea
I’ll boldly steal treasure
From the fierce dragon’s lair
If I’m snuggled quite safely
In my old rocking chair.
I invited You in
As my most honored guest
Not suspecting You’ll take me
On an adventurous quest
With a laugh You hold on
To my trembling hands
And urge me to travel
To faraway lands
You prod me up mountains
And across wild seas
While I yearn for safe places
And cups of hot teas
We search for great treasure
Fight dragons and more
And then journey still onward
To another far shore
When weary and shaken
I plead for a rest
I sit for a moment
And think of my nest
Then realize in wonder
That I’ve lost all desire
To be sitting at home
In my chair by the fire
I’m not quite as bold
As I was in my chair
For I shake and I scream
When I enter dark lairs
But I’ve been given a taste
Of adventurous lands
And everything else
Seems spiceless and bland
Right after I wrote this poem, I wrote a poem about a Safe Adventurer. Both adventurers started out content to sit in their rocking chairs and read about adventures, but the true Adventurer actually went out and had the adventures–and grew through them. The Safe Adventurer never did. He never faced the danger and never reaped the benefits.
I sit by the fireThe wonderful thing
Or put down the book.
Those Who Go Down To The Sea In Ships
Yesterday the occupational doctor put a restriction in her report that EJ could only lift 30 lbs. It was so frustrating that she could have trapped him at a job that was definitely affecting his health while blocking him from a physically easier job. The doctor also mentioned to EJ that he had psoriasis. He told her that the rash is not psoriasis but is caused by the coolant used at work. She didn’t listen. I don’t think much of this doctor.
JJ and I were so stressed by the possibility that EJ’s could lose his chance at the new job that we had a mini tantrum last night.
Last night EJ texted me from work that we had insurance until the end of March.
This cliffhanging drama is killing me. It’s not that I am totally without faith. I am an INFJ personality type, and uncertainties and chaos totally drain us–sometimes to the point where we shut down. Furthermore, God has taken me through a lot of really difficult, heartbreaking, painful experiences in my life and I can handle a lot of stuff with great faith, courage, and strength. However, God often doesn’t stop at the point at which I can handle things. He keeps piling on the problems until I finally break, my faith gets messy, I ask seriously raw questions, and I desperately cry out to Him for help. At that point, I often learn very deep things about Him.
The more I struggle, the more I need to release it in some way–usually through writing. I can’t just pretend that I don’t feel what I feel. As an INFJ, honesty and realness is vital to me, as is thinking deeply and asking raw questions. I wish I could hide myself away when my faith gets messy because I think that sometimes my faith is too messy, my questions too intense, and my honesty too raw for people. I don’t blame people for this because sometimes my faith is too messy, my questions too intense, and my honesty is too raw for me too. I ask questions not only about faith in general, or the faith of others, but also my own faith.
INFJs think deeply and complexly, we see many different perspectives, and we have deep insight into people. We are often said to be able to tell when someone is telling the truth or lying. However, we struggle to find words to put our thoughts, perspectives, and insight into words and we are often misunderstood. Sometimes I feel like Cassandra in Greek mythology. She was blessed with the gift of prophecy but cursed so that no one would ever believe her. That is how it feels like to be an INFJ when we have thoughts, perspectives, insights, honesty, questions, but can’t communicate them in a way that others understand. Sometimes we don’t even understand ourselves.
I thought I’d share a glimpse into some thoughts of my complicated mind. I’m just sort of free-writing–letting my mind go wherever it wanders. My mind works like this all the time:
I used to have discussions with a friend who often said that a strong Christian–and in particular leaders–can’t reveal weakness because it would cause weaker Christians to stumble. She also sometimes manipulated and withheld truth–to the point of deception–because, she said, “People can’t handle truth.” I disagreed because the Bible says that it’s the truth that sets us free, not comfortable lies. I think that leaders who aren’t honest model hypocrisy to their congregations. How can they expect people to be honest if they aren’t? Yet, I also know that if a pastor is honest, some congregations will tear them apart because “leaders must be above reproach.” I don’t understand why we expect leaders to have more integrity than nonleaders. If we are God’s people, shouldn’t we all live with integrity? I think many churches are caught in a Catch 22 in which leaders are taught to pretend to a perfection that they don’t have (because no one is perfect), which models hypocrisy to the congregation, but congregations hold them to a standard they, themselves, don’t live up to, and if a pastor was honest, he’d be destroyed, but if he isn’t honest, he is a hypocrite. So what’s the answer? Under those circumstances, it would take great faith and courage to be real.
Why can’t people be real? What power would be unleashed if we told the truth instead of hide it?
But what does realness really look like? Is it telling everything to everyone? The problem is that emotional abusers often find out the weaknesses of their potential victims and then shapeshift so they appear to be exactly what their victim desires. So a person has to be careful about what he says to whom and to set healthy boundaries. Furthermore, I know people with chronic illnesses who don’t talk much about their health problems because they don’t want their illness to define who they are. They aren’t nonreal, they just want to focus on what they can do, not what they can’t. I also know people who don’t reveal their thoughts because they don’t want to be misunderstood or condemned. I totally understand this.
Realness is vital to me and I strive to be real–it’s difficult for me to not. However, it’s not always easy to define realness. I don’t think it’s being nonreal to not share everything (although it could be nonreal to not share anything), but I think realness is being who you are and not deliberately living a lie. I once told a family friend that my mother had the ability to make lies sound like absolute truth. He said that he knew someone who could do that also. I said, “Really? Who?” and he replied, “Myself.” That was scary since he has always been a leader in the church. I think that there are people who truly love God and seek to follow him. I am not against believers (I am one, after all) but I am against liars, fakers, pretenders, and abusers. A former police officer, and also abuse sites, including a site that quoted a psychopath, have mentioned that predators go where the prey is. For example, child molesters will become things like teachers or clowns–that’s where their prey is. Emotional abusers prey on compassionate and forgiving people, so they go places where they find such people, which includes churches. I sometimes wonder if they go into leadership so they can groom congregations to become victims–to unconditionally love and forgive abusers without requiring repentance. Forgiveness without repentance is not Biblical. Not everyone who says he is a Christian is really one.
Sometimes it’s difficult to know who is genuine and who is not. However, I think that, as Frodo Baggins said, “I would think that a servant of the Enemy would look fair and feel foul.” Strider, who was Aragorn in disguise, laughed, “Ah, and I look foul and feel fair?”
That’s why I write about appearances sometimes being deceiving. Evil people can look good and good people can look messy. I think faith is often messy. Most of the time I am calm, but when I get to the end of my strength, I tend to be very messy. I yell at God. I ask raw questions. I cry. I think it looks as if I am angry, rejecting God, or something. It can feel that way to me too. However, in reality, I am feeling as if all the ugly dross is rising to the top, my weaknesses are being exposed, and the deep questions rip out of me:
Why do people suffer?
Why doesn’t God change things?
Why does He sometimes answer trivial prayers and not desperate prayers?
Why do evil people prosper?
Yesterday I wrote about a FB friend who praised God for finding a parking space for her, and I asked why God finds parking spaces for people but why He won’t help us with major things? The truth is that God cares about big and little things, and that sometimes there are good reasons to pray for a parking place, and I have sometimes prayed for similar things. This wasn’t a condemnation of my friend, but an honest question born of struggle: All over the world there are people who are enduring great suffering: Parents sit at the bedside of their child as he fights for his life, people are losing jobs and facing homelessness, people are suffering abuse of all kinds, and many other tragedies. Suffering hurts me. It seems a miscarriage of compassion that their prayers seem to go unheard while God finds others parking spaces. Why? In light of immense suffering, a parking space is trivial–whether someone else prays for it or I do. My prayers are sometimes trivial. I consider all the deep suffering that is happening around the world, and I think that even praying that we can move to The Emerald City seems rather trivial. Even so, I pray that God would allow us this new beginning to revive our spirits because, trivial or not, we are weary. I also want God to answer more desperate prayers than mine, and usually I don’t mind that He just answers trivial ones. In fact, the prayers He chooses to answer and the ways in which He does it is really His business and not mine. Sometimes maybe a person is having a truly awful day and could use a parking space.
(Notice all the perspectives my INFJ mind sees?)
Anyway, I think that raw questions can lead to greater faith. Last night JJ was upset at the possibility that we wouldn’t get to The Emerald City and that, in fact, we could be jobless…and homeless. He ranted, “Where is God? Why doesn’t He ever HELP us? Is He even real? How do I know He isn’t a figment of our imaginations? I’m giving Him TWO HOURS to provide TANGIBLE evidence to prove that He exists. If He is God and He is real, He can do it. If He doesn’t, I’m becoming an atheist!” I asked, “What would you accept as proof of His existence?” JJ said, “Uhm….a meteorite comes streaking out of the sky and hits our porch and it’s worth a lot of money so we can move.” I said, “Please, I don’t want a meteorite hitting our porch. It might set our house on fire or be radioactive or something.” JJ said, “Ok….so maybe there’s a knock on the door and producers want to use our house as a setting for a movie, and they pay us.” “Ugh, I don’t want a bunch of people making a movie in our house,” I said. JJ said, “I don’t care. God can do it if He is real.” So JJ waited for two hours and nothing happened. I thought, “Sheesh, God, would it have hurt You to answer JJ’s prayer with some sort of tangible presence?” JJ declared “I am now an ATHIEST and I’m going to live any way I want!” and he repeated it to his friends on the Internet. Later that night, after a bit of ranting, he said, “Even if God isn’t real, I think the Bible has good principles to live by.” This morning he said to both EJ and me and to his Internet friends, “I’m not really going to be an athiest. I was just upset.” And then he explained to his friends what he believed. He had made it through his crisis of faith.
I love messy people. I love messy people in the Bible. I can relate to messy people more than perfect people because my faith is messy and imperfect. One of my favorite (of many) passages in the Bible is Psalms 107:23-31. The psalm describes a terrifying storm at sea:
For at his word the storm-wind arose,
lifting up towering waves.
The sailors were raised up to the sky,
then plunged into the depths.
At the danger, their courage failed them,
they reeled and staggered like drunk men,
and all their skill was swallowed up.
I think the storm must have been something like the one in this video, only probably worse:
Before describing the terrifying storm, the psalmist says:
Those who go down to the sea in ships,
plying their trade on the great ocean,
saw the works of Adonai,
his wonders in the deep.
In other words, the terrified sailors were the ones who encountered Adonai–not the people safe and fearless on the shore. After describing the storm, Psalms 107 continues:
In their trouble they cried to Adonai,
and he rescued them from their distress.
He silenced the storm and stilled its waves,
and they rejoiced as the sea grew calm.
Then he brought them safely
to their desired port.
Let them give thanks to Adonai for his grace,
for his wonders bestowed on humanity!
It is something to think about.
This morning I staggered downstairs, poured a cup of coffee, and sat down to browse the Internet. After about five minutes–or maybe ten–EJ said calmly, “I got a telephone call this morning…” My heart thumping, I braced for bad news. “It was the new company. They wanted to know my size so they could have my uniforms ready.” Later, EJ received an email from the HR guy at the company: “I wanted to reach out to you and let you know we have everything in place for you to start on Monday March 9, 2015…”
Whew! Now all we have to do is find some money, find a house, finish this house and sell it, and a trillion million other things. Tonight EJ texted from work: “Dang my job is posted. Must be real.”
God sure loves drama. He loves it much more than I do. Sometimes I feel like a sailor who goes down to the sea in ships–or poor Bilbo Baggins who was dragged off on an adventure he didn’t want:
The Next Cliffhanger Installment
Since EJ was scheduled to begin work on March 9th, which is next Monday, we working really hard on the house this weekend. I painted the ceiling and stained some doors, while EJ working on hanging more drywall. Saturday we worked until about midnight and Sunday we worked until 9 or 10 p.m.
The HR guy from the new company had told EJ that he didn’t need an appointment, but when he showed up for the testing last Friday, he was told that while he didn’t need an appointment for the drug testing, he did need one for the physical. So although both test and physical are usually done at the same visit, EJ had to do them separately, which meant that we had to make an extra trip (an hour drive) and wait several days to find out all the results.
I had expected some difficulty with the drug testing because of the meds EJ takes, but he passed with flying colors. Therefore, I was very hopeful about EJ’s physical this morning. However, the doctor who did the testing wrote on the report that will be given to the new company that EJ has a restriction of not lifting more than 30 lbs. This restriction could very well be enough to prevent the company from hiring EJ. The frustrating thing is that this doctor could have barred EJ from a job that is much, much easier physically than EJ’s current job.
Furthermore, EJ has already given his notice to his current company. which means we potentially could have no income, no insurance, no medical care for JJ, nothing.
I hate to sound like “poor me, life sucks” because I think everyone has difficulties–many worse than mine. However, this sort of thing has happened to us over and over through the years. Disasters constantly hit us and whenever we try to make positive changes–even small ones–they fall apart. Stuff like this is why I am cautious about believing everything will work out and dreams will come true.
I’m sort of mad at God today and not talking to Him. Or, rather, I am yelling at Him, when I speak to Him at all, that all these problems didn’t have to happen. He could have easily helped us–today and throughout the years.
A few days ago, a FB friend posted a praise that God had found her a parking space in a full parking lot. I think, He finds parking spaces but He won’t help us with major things? I mean, why not help those who REALLY need help?
I’m losing hope and I am in a rather negative mood.
I have no idea what will happen next. I’d sigh, “What next?” but I really don’t want to know.
I expect homelessness and starvation.
I hate cliffhangers.
A Cliffhanger Life
Photo: marshaamoore.blogspot.com
The definition of a cliffhanger is “a melodramatic adventure serial in which each installment ends in suspense in order to interest the reader or viewer in the next installment.”
I really think God has a fondness for cliffhangers because not only are there melodramatic adventure stories in the Bible (such as in Exodus 14 or the story of Esther) but my family has our lives are a series of heart-stopping adventures.
Here is the next installment of our cliffhanger life:
I called the Cancer Center yesterday morning to get the results of JJ’s PET Scan. We waited for several anxious hours for the oncologist to call back. When he finally called us, he said that JJ’s scan was clear–no cancer!–and we’d go back to the regular tests and appointments of CT scans, blood tests, port-flushings, and followup appointments every other month or so. I felt weak with relief and overcome with joy. I felt like dancing.
I texted EJ the good news and he was so excited that he immediately gave his notice at work. I understood his excitement, but I immediately felt stressed because I feel as if we weren’t yet ready. There are still major things that need to happen and if they don’t happen. It scared me. So I was like this:
But I am better now.
EJ had his drug test for the new job today. I went with him and we talked on the way about how scary and stressful this move is for us. Major change and uncertainty, and chaos is always very difficult for us, but usually I am not so stressed. 
However, since JJ’s cancer treatments ended, I have felt an increased sensitivity to stressers so that everything is making me feel almost as if I am having panic attacks. I know, I know, trust God, but that is easier said than done when every time we overcome one problem, we are hit with another. Every day we are reaching “Points of No Return” and burning bridges. Soon we won’t be able to go back even if we wanted to–which we don’t. We are moving forward because we can’t endure staying where we are. We need a fresh start.
The HR guy at the new company had told EJ that he didn’t need an appointment, but when we got to the clinic the receptionist told him that the form they set him indicated that the new company wanted him to have a physical too, which requires an appointment. So EJ had the drug test, which he passed, and then made an appointment for the physical on Monday morning.
When we reached our village, EJ stopped in at the post office so we could pick up our mail. Our village is so small that there is no in-town delivery. All residents have post office boxes. When we first moved here and I learned that there was no mail delivery, “Who ever heard of such a thing? What kind of place have we moved to?” But it wasn’t long before I enjoyed the daily walk to get the mail.
Today EJ waited in the car when I went into the post office to get the mail. I saw a dreaded envelope that I have been expecting. I walked back to the car and said to EJ, “Well, do you want to hear the latest installment of our cliffhanger life? You got your Jury Summons.” He is supposed to report for Jury Duty at the end of March. Seriously?
The form said that EJ could get excused from Jury Duty for several things, including moving out of the area. In order to be excused because of a move, EJ would have to copy his driver’s license showing his new address and mail it back to the Court. Only, of course, we haven’t yet moved, and we don’t yet have a house, and EJ will be living in a hotel for a while–unless he has to live in his car. EJ called the Court to explain our dilemma and the coordinator said his new company could send them a letter verifying that we are relocating.
I said to God, “Seriously, can’t You just dial down a bit of the drama? I don’t know about You, but I’m getting all funned out.”
I Love To Go A Gardening 